UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
No
You could have not done something different for him to stay. It has nothing to do with you. No weight loss, no nothing will keep him once you make that devalue and discard stage. He will demonized you and your entire relationship. I lost so much weight because my ex called me names, like “fat” , old, short hair, boring and so on. I could have been miss America , or a super model , young, a college professor , whatever, he would have still left me. You can never forget that they are evil, heartless, and selfish. It is all about him. He wanted a young , sexy girl with long hair next to him so that’s what he went to get. He had no regards to my emotions, feelings or the commitment of our marriage. He did not think about his integrity , his son, nothing.
Remember that “the greatest lie the devil has ever told to the world is that he does not exist. “
Amille
My ex found his minions always at work. While he was in the army , they were fellow female soldiers, wife’s or soldiers. When he became a cop they were his co workers. They all knew he was married with a family but could not resist him because he was CPT AMERICA. I laugh about it now. They deserve each other.
Update……..the other woman who moved into my house and sent me all the nasty messages about throwing away all my clothes, giving away my animals etc…….well funny thing, my stepdaughter posted pictures lastnight of being out with my husband and ANOTHER WOMAN….Little miss sunshine who just moved in and decided to be evil to me, has been discarded already!!! KARMA I LOVE YOU!!!
Debbie, what an sob your husband soon to be ex is….glad you are rid of him!!
Keep her emails that she threw away your things for divorce court!!
Glad you are coming here to vent Debbie it really does help.
Hugs to you not an easy day but it’s a great reminder that it’s better to be alone then with him.
Take care 🙂
Jan
I also went to a marriage counselor with him. My mistake it was a female one and he manipulated her left and right. Each session left me more confused than ever and at the end I believed I was the “crazy ” one. I remember once she said “well you have to forgive him and not mention the minions anymore “. I was in shock.
He left always with a stupid smirk on his face and carried on with his affairs.
Then he said “well I tried everything with you, even counseling , but you are so mentally ill.” What an evil games, isn’t it ?
And yes, karma exists. But I will leave that up to God. He will act according to HIS plan. I will just continue to put my trust in him.
Kaya48, marriage counseling is the biggest joke!! I told the counselor the first day that he lied about everything, showed no guilt or remorse, cheated, manipulated etc etc and I even said he would manipulated her and her response was “he can’t manipulate me”….HA guess what he manipulated her too!!
Yes, I left dazed and confused each time too…and we paid her $100…that part really ticks me off. She took our money and never told me the truth…never did she explain what emotional & mental abuse was or ask me if he was abusing me in any way. It was not until 7 years later that I literally escaped..and the marriage counselors should have known they should have helped me out of my marriage. they did not.
OMG…OMG…OMG….I can’t believe she said that to you, that you have to “forgive him” sick.
Yes, God does work wonders…cant wait to see what he has in store for our ex’s. LOL
Jan7 and Kaya….I’m sorry that the people…can we call them people?…that promised to love and honor treated you as they did.
And WTH with the therapists? I can’t believe the “forgive and don’t bring it up again” advice. Was she sleeping with him too?
I guess the suggestion to go to therapy is straight from the spath playbook? Mine suggested that the day I asked him to leave.
Jan7 after I found the obit…..I did much searching and it all points to her living with him. It doesn’t matter if I can’t prove they are married….even if they aren’t….I know he lied and deceived in ways that I find unforgivable. I refuse to be treated like that. I/we all deserve so much better
Amille, the obit is not going to be wrong…at least the funeral home we have used you write your own obit then they give it to the newspaper. So her listed as the “spouse/wife” is correct. I am with you no need to have more prof…his behavior after saying “you have the facts” says it all…yes, he is married.
I just wanted to let you know that I believe that my ex cheated on me 8-12 times looking back so most of these women knew I was his gf/fiancé/then wife. The coworker he had a two year affair with she was married with kids and knew that he was married to me and at the end several of the women knew he was married while the women out of stated did not. Not sure what he did with his wedding ring in those cases but all the rest he wore his wedding band. Funny he is the one that wanted to wear a wedding band. Like I have posted my counselors told me that it was more like 3 to 4 times the amount that I thought he cheated. I was just a Atm/responsible person/cover to make him look normal in society.
LOL was he going to invite his wife to therapy too??!??! That’s a WHAT?!?! moment right there…they are really unbelievable…they never give up their con game do they….seriously…just mind blowing that he wanted to go to counseling with you…bet he/his wife have been/or she wanted him to go otherwise he might not have asked you to go with him. Funny my ex wanted to go to counseling when I was not willing, I wanted a divorce right then and there…going to marriage counseling caused me to stay in hell for another 7 years and the hell got worse everyday because he knew that I wanted to leave him so he turned on the mind games even more to push me over the edge.
No, they are not human beings they are pure evil no human forms.
Yes, we all deserve better…I would rather be alone then ever be back with my ex.
I agree on the obit. That’s why it hit me so hard when I first read it. Why I printed it out and keep it……so when I start to miss what I thought I had…..it is an instant reality check.
He claims that she is stalking him. An obit? Really? I know that typically a family writes an obit together. If she really were stalking him, someone in the family would have put their foot down and said they were not going to include him.
However, in my initial shock I felt as if I needed to validate more. There were just so many lies that surfaced in that one instant that I guess I just needed to justify that I was right about the situation. It was so overwhelming and surreal. It is amazing (and scary) what you can find on the internet about someone.
Interesting on how the 8-12 mistresses is 3 to 4 times that. It is like with my ex husband. The counselor I saw at that time told me the same about his drinking. If he said he had 5 or 6 beers double or triple the amount.
I’m sure your ex hid the ring; wore it on his other finger; told her he was a widow and still wore it out of his undying love for his wife. My personal favorite is the, “I wear the ring to send a message that I’m taken even when I’m not. That way women leave me alone.” LOL
LOL on another What??!! moment. I think he said that hoping/knowing I would not take him up on counseling. Again with my ex, I was told that counseling is another way alcoholics…..and now I’m going to add spaths to the list…..manipulate their way into continuing their bad behavior. You go to counseling thinking there is going to be a positive outcome; they continue to drink..have affairs…and reply “Look, I’m going to counseling, I’m trying…….what more do you want?”
BTW, I told him I’d rather drive over to his parent’s and announce that he and I were in a serious, monogamous relationship. The look on his face was literally the mask slipping. It was the oddest most eerie look I have ever seen on someone’s face before. He quickly recovered and replied he was willing to do that but he didn’t think it would do any good; that he could tell my mind was already made up about leaving him.
That spoke volumes to me. At least he was right about me leaving him.
https://shellybear.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/what-couplesfamily-therapy-does-for-an-abuser-by-lundy-bancroft/
This article explains why marriage counseling makes an abuser worse. It’s an excerpt from a book by Lundy Bancroft. I have read several of his books, and they are all excellent.
Another great book, even though the title is kind of humorous, is helps the victim assess whether an abuser is likely to change. http://www.amazon.com/Ditch-That-Jerk-Dealing-Control/dp/0897932838
I totally agree with you. I got a different therapist who told me to “go get a divorce “. She recognized it all after a few sessions. The marriage counseling was indeed a joke, just wasted money. I was already on his discard list anyhow. It was just another technique of him to blame me. To declare me mentally ill. I remember he once claimed that I do not take my psychotic medication as prescribed. I never had any prescribed , nor was I treated for anything. Those things hurt me more than the cheating itself. It was a defamation of my character , of my well being , of me as a person.
This is another reason I will never talk to him again. I would be right back in the craziness. And who knows what he comes up with the next time. I could lose my entire existence based on his lies. I will never give him this opportunity again.
Jan , may I ask, are you still single and do you have children ? I know you have been out of your marriage for some time.
Thistoo,
Hi, I saw 2013 too… no I have never posted there, just read.
Kitty and all,
I, too, go through periods of “missing” him. At first I become sad…..feel pain……and then I get mad at myself.
How can I miss someone who was so cruel….intentionally cruel…..yet claimed to have loved me?
I cam across this article. It talks about the mind control…..how they manipulate……why we end up missing them.
http://datingasociopath.com/tag/mind-control/
We miss the fake person the spath pretended to be. We are normal and we bond to people, so we miss the person and the relationship that we lost, even if it was fake. It is still a loss to grieve.
You’re right, we don’t miss who the spath really is – the liar, betrayer, abuser, who never really cared for us, just pretended to.
Ameille,
No, he will not come knock on my door since I deleted the email account.
He harrassed me by phone and email after the breakup.
He called my job after I changed my number 2x.
He last emailed me in April being nice.
I found myself logging in every week to see if he had sent anything. It’s all bsh**. So I finally deleted it.
He moves on quick. I’m now remembering that he always has a relationship, usually long ones. That confuses me.
I pray now that I can move on, meaning not care anymore.
It doesn’t even matter living by his cousin because he doesn’t even talk to her. Once in a while. Her and I just spoke recently for the first time. He would hide from her when he was here. So hurtful.
Remember
You will be able to move on, not caring anymore at one point. It took me over 2 years to get there. I am not sure if I can ever forget, because it was 20 long years, but now I don’t care anymore. What he does, where he lives, who he dates, where he works. At times it used to be surreal for me to just “delete” him out of my life, but I understand and accept that it is the only way I can lead a good, happy life. He cannot be a part of it anymore. I know people stay “friends” with their ex husbands sometimes, but it is not possible with a narcissist or sociopath.
I knew the last few years before the discard, there was loss of interest in him. It was like he checked out of the marriage. From wife and mother of his child I suddenly became just an obstacle in his next pursuit. I was giving me just enough validation and attention to keep me on the hook. But then he started treating me worse and worse, because now I was less exciting in his eyes. I was starting to think less of myself, because he conditioned me to do that. I was in denial, but my fears and doubts grew. He totally withdrew emotionally, his replies were icy, he was mean spirited and then he started “punishing” me. I constantly caught him in lies, he denied everything so I would adjust again to this toxic marriage/relationship.
My self esteem was lowered so I asked myself, what I did wrong. I blamed myself that I was not good enough for him. The other women involved may have been decent human beings, the scum on this Earth or anything. But it really does not matter who and what they were. I was the wife, and not the one involved with the other women. HE AND ONLY HE was accountable for his actions.. Not me, not the other women.
So that is the evil game he plays, and he will play it with many others after me. I never want to be a part of this again, so I will remain no contact.
I also learned that he completely forgot about the qualities he once saw in me. If and when he talks about me to others, it is as he was ashamed of me. He claims he had to leave because I am a mentally ill wife. He would use all my weaknesses against me , a sign that I wast desirable enough. He exploited my honestly while he cheated and lied. I should be lucky that he was ever interested in me. But when everything is said and done, the only truth that remains is that the whole marriage was a fraud.
Kaya,
Thank you, always.
That is sad how you would again readjust to his behaviors for the relationship.
I guess it is just a matter of time, to get to not caring.
I do all the things I can do for recovery.
Do you really think he will treat otner relationships/girlfriends like crap? I guess it doesn’t matter.
That’s the part that gets me sometimes.
I’m so glad you do not live in that hell anymore.
Thank you for sharing and helping all of us on our journey.
You are an angel.