UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Remember
For me, the entire process was very personal, very painful. It cost me my time, my heart, my self esteem and my finances. I put everything I had into this marriage and I gave everything I could to that relationship. It became my entire life.
For him, the whole process was not really personal. And yes, he will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. It was not about me. It was never about the other woman or women who were set against me to compete for him. It was validating his ego, to give him pleasure, to meet his every need. He did not cheat with them, because they were superior to me. He was with them to use them, just like me. He might have used them for different purposes than he used me, but all with them devastating effect. He will do the same to them. He will eventually devalue and discard. Just like a rinse and repeat.
Kaya,
My ex doesn’t leave his relationships. They end up breaking up with him or ending.
That’s why I get confused. However, I have read that devalue and discard is not always physically dumping the women.
They can devalue us while still together and be discarding…so, if that’s true, it would make sense.
His 7 yr, they are friends, close. (She is shady too)
His 10 year she left him and I left him.
All we did was go round and round. There was never that settling into a comfortable place in the relationship, like most relationships get to after the beginning stagess.
Hi, I am new to this site and really still struggling with the whole process of recovery. Wondering if there is anyone who can offer help. Well where do I begin, I am very ashamed that I stayed with such a person for seven years and eventually ended up with a child from him. From the very start I should have know there were serious issues and he talked about it daughter mom like she was the devil. He told me had been molested by an uncle tears and all two weeks in and I found out five years later the uncle was dead for two years by the time he was five years old. I did all these crazy, irrational things when we were together and made him my entire life. He cheated on me and when I would find out about all these other women, practically just rub my face in it and when I was pregnant with our son even tattooed the women he had ran off with at the time name on his ring finger. I wanted to kill myself at a certain point and think I might have been crazier them him at a certain point. In the end after I have totally sacrificed everything and had no dignity left and had been abused in every way possible, he totally left us like we never existed and married a lady with three children. She is highly educated and has a very good job. Now it has been two years and they are still together. She calls sometimes to tell me how wonderful he is and even sent me a two page letter and his mom had said he is a totally different person since he married her. Since she is a probation officer is she just better at me at handling difficult people? Why was my son a faggit and ratart and all these horrible things and he can go play house with a new family. My son and I doing great and I am about to graduate from college. I enjoy life more then ever now and, have repaired a lot of things that went wrong because, of my bad choices. My son is the nicest three year old a mother could ask for. His father doesn’t have anything to do with my son and come out like cancer and has his mom call to see him on the holidays. I know that my son and I are so much better off and that my son deserves so much more. However, why do I still think of this person daily and I will never get over him being nice to her children and forgetting ours. I don’t want him in his son’s life because, I know it will hurt him but, how do I stop? I threw him out over two years ago when he threatened to shake our son and, now he has transformed himself into a family man. He calls every once a year or so to ask how I am doing and say weird random things like our son is a good dancer is this all part of the game?
Alive,
It sounds like you are doing great; congratulations on getting that abusive, lying, cheating psychopath out of your life, furthering your education, and raising your son.
Your experience with your ex spath as you describe it is typical. You did not know that he had serious issues, because he was doing everything he could to deceive you so he could exploit you and abuse you. Many of us victims of spaths were driven to bad behavior because the spaths do everything they can to push our buttons to make us act out. They want to bring us down to their level and to act badly so they can blame and accuse us. They tailor make their abuse according to the specific vulnerabilities of their victims. You made good and rational decisions like throwing him out when he threatened to shake your son. Sadly, I allowed my ex psychopath to abuse my son emotionally and somewhat physically also, before I finally got rid of him.
It is unlikely that his present ‘marriage’ is so wonderful. He is the same to everyone – it just happens that his current game playing abuse includes triangulating his current ‘wife’ with you and manipulating her to write you letters based on whatever lies he is telling her. Who knows what her issues are, but it is disordered and unhealthy of her to write you a long critical letter. She doesn’t really know you. Who knows if the letter really is from her. Your ex is using her to abuse you. and he is abusing you by contacting you periodically and speaking word salad that has no meaning except to annoy and confuse you. Everything spaths do is a game to them.
You are right to keep the ex spath away from your son. Experience shows that it is harmful to children to have contact with spath parents. You might consider consulting an attorney to be sure that you are doing all you can legally to ensure that the ex spath can’t have contact with your son. Spaths will assert their parental rights and get visitation with their children in order to engage and harm the mothers, even thought the spaths don’t care about the children. Spaths don’t care about anyone’s well being. Most are sadistic and feel glee when they harm people.
Is there a way you can avoid your ex’s annual calls, and not read anything he or his current ‘wife’ send you?
Aliveagain,
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR COLLEGE DEGREE!!!
So Awesome!! In your darkest days you found the light!! That is Powerful!!
You have proved that you are a very strong & SMART woman!!
You should be so proud of yourself…what a great role model for your young son.
I also want to congratulate you on getting this evil man out of your life. That is not an easy feat…pat yourself on your back for this too!
I agree with AnnettePk…he is attempting to triangulate you against his new gf so that he has control over both of you and so that you both hate each other and will never compare notes. He is pretending to be “happy” in his marriage…most likely he has a few victims on the side maybe the same women that were on the side with your marriage. Sociopaths don’t like to give up supply (victims) ever.
All sociopaths use people for money, sex, a place to live, etc…what is he needing from his latest victim maybe power over a police officer?? Who knows now.
Your ex conditioned you to think about him continuously….they use brain washing, mind control, trance, hypnosis, reward & punishment techniques etc to train their victims (so crazy & scary to think of the great lengths they go through to have power & control over all their victims.
The best advise I can give you is every time you think of him come to Lovefraud and read, read, read and then relate it to your marriage….this will open your mind up and you will see him for who he really is = pure evil.
Also watch the videos at the top of this site under the red tab.
See also psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com for more info.
See The “book store” at the top of this site to see Donna’s books & her book recommendation.
See Onemomsbattle. com, her books & their Facebook page under the same name. Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so you can chat freely. Be happy your ex is not in your son’s life now…but he will come boomerang back with this new relationship goes bad and his new victims finally leaves him…this will happen. This is a great support site for victims dealing with children & ex’s/court issues.
What ever you do DO NOT engage in his triangulation game against his latest victims…she too is a victim but he is lying to her about you = triangulating you against her. Don’t believe his con game. Keep your focus on him only.
Do a search on LF & on the net for the following:
sociopath triangulation
sociopath smear campaign (the lies he is telling her about you now to triangulate her/you)
gas lighting abuse
Check your local library to see if there are books on the subject for you to read also.
Keep asking question here & also vent when needed it really does help to clear the mind and so you know that you are not alone 🙂 Glad you found your way to LF it’s a wonderful site to fully educate yourself & for support.
Congratulations again on your upcoming graduation from College 🙂 🙂 🙂
aliveagain,
I am so sorry you’ve had to endure this. It sounds like you’re making good moves! Congrats on your degree and staying away from your ex! That’s a lot to go through….
Annette and Jan7 give valuable advice. Try to go NC. You clearly have done research, which is how you’ve come to this site. My suggestion for now is to read, read, read. Keep educating yourself. It will help you tremendously!
We are all here for you. You’ve come to the right place! Xxxxx
A tip for you ladies (and gentlemen)
Don’t (DO NOT)try to WARN their next victim about them. They know them “better” than you do, You were the Cause of his/her behavior, YOU never ‘understood’ him/her etc. etc. I’m vomiting here…
I made the mistake of trying to warn the next woman he decided to get involved with. NOW I am the CRAZY person.. stalking him sheesh… When I went to get the diamond ring I had hidden from him it was gone. A thorough search produced…nada. But HE is engaged now… wonder if he gave her MY ring (not from him) to show her how much she means to him. That’s what he did TO ME! They won’t believe you no matter what proof you put in their face.
The lesson is – we all have a lesson to learn from these animals – trying to teach a pig to sing is just going to frustrate you and annoy the pig! I tried to warn her because she has a little girl – he has predatory instincts towards people who cannot defend themselves – he made one Hell of a Mistake being a predator to me!
However, I’m the one with a problem according to Her. So, it’s her lesson to learn, I just pray he doesn’t harm the little girl along with her. After what she said to me, I hope she gets her eyes open before he opens the floodgates to his psychopathy!
I guess that IS good advice (not to warn the next victim)…I have been tempted to.
I was burned SOOO inconceivably badly, that I am just trying my best to let everything go.
I’m in the midst of PTSD (100% because of HER) as it is…..I know for a fact she lies about me every chance she gets to our little “circle of friends/co-workers”. I did NOTHING BUT reach out to help this person and treat her with total respect for 18 months and she took the opportunity to abuse, use, and emotionally rape me.
She convinced me she lives alone with her 3 kids and can’t make ends meet. We went on a date to an NBA playoff game in ’14, met at Starbucks, etc……I mentioned I had planned to buy a car for a family once I met the right one. She tricked me all along for 10 weeks after our 2 “dates” just so I would buy her the car, which I did. (25grand for car & 8 grand in cash over 6 months). Found out later, she drove that car straight home to her “fellow snake” husband of 10 years.
She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. I met with an attorney who told me I have no case because everything would be seen as a gift and lying is not a crime.
I replied, “but, isn’t lying FOR FINANCIAL GAIN a crime?” You should’ve seen the look on his face. He knew I was right, but, regardless, HE didn’t want any part of this case.
A different attorney told me I do possibly have a case. So, I am just about to the point that I’m about to transfer completely out of state just so I don’t have to be near such an entire family of snakes who only live 10 miles from me. I wouldn’t be able to withstand another “win” for her. She would be “over the moon” thrilled with another win.
Her favorite lie is to say, “(he) came up to me CRYING the other day….” just to belittle any man for her own amusement. I KNOW she would say that about me and probably HAS. There has been ZERO contact for over 7 months and will stay that way.
So, YES, I’m pissed beyond comprehension. People have been murdered over less than a FRACTION of what she did to me. I am choosing the “high road” and will let them continue to live out the rest of their pathetic, evil, serpent lives as the miserable snakes they are. I sure hope what I’ve been reading is right that the best revenge is to heal and be happy. I am on the way to doing just that.
Sorry that you were lied to. There are a couple of things in your post I’m not clear on.
Do I understand you correctly that you are saying that you are ‘choosing the high road’ by ‘allowing them to continue to live out the rest of their….lives’ and not murdering?
What was the context during your first date where you said you were looking for a family to buy a car for? Is this part of a charity you work for?
No. I will never harm anyone. Read my long post from 5/28 explaining almost everything. I do not run or work for a charity. I chose to do this out of the kindness of my own heart. I could NOT have picked a worse human being, but, it wasn’t my fault. Thank you for your concern and comments.
Victim of Female.
your post is very inspiring and comforting to me.
thank you.
“I am choosing the “high road” and will let them continue to live out the rest of their pathetic, evil, serpent lives as the miserable snakes they are. I sure hope what I’ve been reading is right that the best revenge is to heal and be happy. I am on the way to doing just that”
Uncannie,
Have you considered reporting your ring stolen? Do you have any photos of it that would help prove its identity if it is found? If you have a suspect the police may be able to recover it for you.
Uncannie1,
I actually think you want to warn the new victims anonymously by just sending a letter with the statement something like below as it will plant a seed in her mind and when she finally sees the sociopaths mask slip she will have the information at hand to get out of her abusive relationship sooner:
“I am concerned for your safety, please look at these sites/books and ask yourself “Am I dating a sociopath? 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths.
Sites to educate yourself Lovefraud. com, Lisascott. com, Psychopathfree, Psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com.
Books Lovefraud by Donna Anderson, The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout and Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown.
Google: Sociopath smear campaign, Sociopath triangulation, narcissist No contact rule
Please protect yourself by asking a friend/family to help you understand all this information on sociopaths and how it relates to your current mate.”
As we all know You can not tell the new victims what the abuser did to you…that is your word against his but what you can do is give the new victim factual information on how to spot a danger soul sociopath by just directing them to wonderful sites like Lovefraud etc. No need to reinvent the wheel Donna has done a amazing job with this wonderful library full of info on LF.
How many of us would have loved for someone to have send a anonymous letter to us with this information long before we left our abuser. Obviously you must be in a safe place and free from the sociopath fully so that he does not think you sent the letter. But for me this would have saved me sooner.
I am sorry that he was able to create a smear campaign against you & take your ring. Glad he is out of your life now.
This could help, but there can be a downside to anonymous communications.
Another approach is to write a short note saying that if [the new victim] ever has any questions or would like to speak to you, that you would be happy to talk with her.
Remember
It really is the same…if he leaves or the partner. He just pushes his discard so she leaves the relationship. I was just so brainwashed after 20 years that out of fear I would have never left. He deeply wished that I would leave, it would have made it easier for him, also portray him even more as the victim.
His plan was to have me committed to a mental institution. That is why he was pushing the mental issues. He attended a class for police officer about 3 months before the discard. The class was about “involuntarily committing someone to a mental institution.” Only it was not that easy. Even though he was a cop he was able to send me there, but the psychiatrist saw his evil plan and released me right away. That is when he started the injunction stuff to go a different route, maybe criminal charges would put me away. He was on a mission, believe me.
But God was on my side, nobody believed him. His “charges” against me were so outrageous that even the judge was like “get out of here, dont waste my time.”
In a way, all his antics opened my eyes, let me see the truth. Let me see what he is capable of and it truly scared me. All it took was one person who would believe him and that was it. It was a very scary time in my life. And the worst part was that he was the cause of it, my own husband of 20 some years, did that to me.
We all here have endured so much pain caused by the ones who claim they love us….but in reality they work for Satan.
Kaya,
Thank you for explaining the discard, it makes sense.
I got the feeling that he pushed her (childs mother) and she left. The fact that she left when he was at work with 2 small children says something.
Too bad I didn’t see it as a red flag then. I believed his sad story and tears. He told it so well…
Annette
Thank you for this comment. “Interaction with him always causes damage.” It just assures me that I am doing the right thing by staying no contact. And yes memories fade , you are so right . I noticed lately that I don’t think about “the good” memories anymore. The damage he did to me and his son cancelled out anything that I perceived as good.
Just today my son I were talking about the beginning of my discard. I think it was years before it happened. We remembered how he demonized both of us. How he checked out of this family. It was so obvious looking back now.
We are living a peaceful , sane and happy life now. My son will be a senior in college and all is well. No more eggshell walking or trying to please my ex. Even for my son life is better now. My ex was never a father because he was not capable of loving anyone but himself in the mirror. He loved his reflection but I know he hates who is really is.
Uncannie1
I totally agree with you. You should never confront the next minion. Never.
I made a huge mistake by calling the co worker if my now ex husband. I told her that she destroyed my marriage and so on. Of course I was the “crazy wife, the mentally ill wife, the b***)”. The next thing I knew he filed an injunction against me which costs me a lot of money to get dismissed.
I was in the “angry stage”. The other woman was nothing special , nothing superior to me. She was just available. She did not have any comittment to me , maybe she was a w****, but whatever she was, it was not my cause to bring that 3 rd person into my marriage. HE AND ONLY HE is to blame.
Instead of contacting the other person , just focus on your healing. On your new journey and your life.
If I could do it over again , I would have filed for divorce the day he discarded me. I would have never given him 3 months to chose his “option”. I was his wife and not an option.
Uncannie,
You’re right, good luck to her.
That’s messed up if he stole your ring.
If I run into my ex, I will keep on walking like I don’t see him!
Remember and bluelight,
Guess who’s new email account was hacked today and password changed?? That’s right, Mine!!! I was finally able to get back in using the verification system.
I found no suspicious activity on my email account. Nothing was changed. I’m still checking accounts to see if they’ve been effected and am changing important passwords. Thank God none of my passwords matched my email password.
This is a MIGHTY coincidence. I mean, I made this email a while ago but didn’t use it AT ALL until I deleted my other accounts 3 weeks ago. I have few contacts, no spam, no random emails, no strange links. It’s a squeaky clean new account.
I called my counselor. We made an updated safety plan. I’m just too tired to put it in place right now.
Fuck.
Kitty
I think you taking in thenew kitten is very loving. Don’t worry. I’ve worked at vets, and shelters and have a background in animal behavior. Follow the advice already posted. The cat is going through its stage of grief. Every animal goes through that shock when they get rehomed. It lasts longer if it was the only animal on the household. I feel for the kitten too as reading your post. Keep them seperate when you aren’t home, and try to keep their claws cut short so no scratching will occur. The best type of nail trimming are the mini scissors you can get at any local walmart, target or pet smart.
Try to introduce them ( or open the door when you’re home). Try to coax her out of under the bed or give her a towel to snuggle. In due time she will come out. It usually takes 2 weeks to a month to settle new cats together and another 2 months for them to adjust and accept. This lil kitty is going through a process. Don’t give up. Be patient. You’re giving him/ her a new loving home and in due time they’ll be friends. You’ll see.
Also try not to be afraid of the hissing. Like a commenter said its a boundary thing. It’s how cats communicate. There’s also different levels of hissing. Ex:”don’t come closer”, “I said no beware “, ” I’m going to yell at you and now I’m going to paw you to exert my lesson”.
You’ll hear most of the differences. Depending on the pitch and force you’ll be able to tell if they will attack. If that goes on a lot get a spray bottle or water gun and spray the one who is attacking. In time they’ll calm down. Also when not home it recommended leave a radio on. Low volume either talk radios or a classical. Studies show it helps pets be at ease when the human is gone. ( Oh and also if someone is being naughty cats don’t like it it you blow site on them softly. If you do that and say no they’ll stop being naughty. )
Hope that helps! You’re doing good. You’re a good mama!
HI Love Fraud Folks…
I worked really hard today and now I am home and have to kick butt on a work project due tomorrow.
All Of a sudden… I have gone from singing “The Rain In Spain” and playing piano to my elderly residents today…
to coming home, sitting down to work….
and plunge….
that missing him.
not the real him.
the man I loved and nurtured and financially supported (bc it was “temporary”) and laughed with and talked about crazy stuff with and shared dreams with.. and cooked for… even tho I hate cooking…and yet.. I enjoyed cooking for him b/c it was an expression of love.
this makes no sense
how can he get away with this? then again… we do not know if he has… and I am not about to care or look into it..
I have to focus on myself… my health. my future. My life. My friends.
I just cant believe it sometimes. I feel like he is in the next room… and I want to yell.. “I love you baby.” as we always did.
please pray for me.
I was doing great. then came home… and have now gone into a dark place ….
and … I am not happy that I took on one of my best friend’s cats
I already have a kitty. she had to et rid of their beloved cat… b/c her dad died and her mommo0ving in with her fam… and allergic.
It’s a sweet kitty. a big, fat, calico.
but….
she will not come out from under the bed… b/c of my kitty.
she does come out and eat and drink and go potty.. but she is scared.
I held her the first night I had her… this past sunday…. I cried for her… bc I can relate to her situation in many ways.
she has been discarded from her home.
her family.
her safety
she is shocked as to why and how she is suddenly alone in a strange place….. and her family are gone.
she too is starting over.
poor baby….. she also sheds b/c she has short hair. My awesome, fat, black kitty, Natasha.. has long hair… so she does not shed.. just the hair that comes out when I brush her.
uggggggggg……
could not say no to a friend with whom I have been iwht since 1988…. majoring in music and in a Chamber Choir Together outside of Chicago. she has been there for me thru 3 spaths… anorexia, depression and more.
anyone know much about kitties? I have read it can take awhile for the cats to get along. My kitty has no interest in meeting her.. and hisses… whenever she walks by the bed… or into the same room that she knows the new cat is in.
they have not met yet face to face. Vet said not to.
but it is not looking good with the other kitty still under bed and scared.
why did I take on more responsibility?
then again….
I just got rid of a 6 foot five inch.. 250 lb.. ahole, 46 year old …
I am sure I can handle a sweet, kind, gentle, scared kitty who does abuse or lie or steal from me… just fine. 😉
xoxoxox
kittylover, I know about cats. You need to be patient and let them take their own time. It is very likely that one day”they will just be ok with each other. And the wonderful thing about our furry friends is that their memories are short for the most part.
Almost 3 years ago (about a year after I was discarded), I decided to add a kitten to my home with my 4 year old cat. The kitten was a goofy love bug, and my older cat hissed and growled until he actually lost his voice. I kept them in separate rooms when I was at work, and supervised when I was home. It took a couple of weeks and all of a sudden”it was like they had always been besties. They are now inseparable.
I ached for them during those hard first weeks, and wondered if I had made a big mistake and ruined all of our lives, but it was so worth it. Hang in there!
thank you…Hanalie
I have a cat also. And 2 little Yorkies. My ex left me the pets, I am very grateful for that as their love is unconditional and never ending. Unlike my ex.
Anyhow, cats hate being moved from one house/place of living to a new place. Add in a new owner and another cat. So she is traumatized but give it time and some love, she will be ok. Dogs adjust easier to new places. Cats get very attached to their surroundings. The hissing is just little power play they do. I think they will be ok.
As far as missing the “good times”. Totally normal. Even though my ex cheated and lied and did all these evil things , I missed him horribly. But I also knew I had to let go so I can get better. Don’t spend too much time thinking about the past. Try to live in the “now”. For me it helped when I started to “miss” him I told myself “stop it, he treated you like a fool, remember the time he came home from a night of fishing at the beach, his shirt smelling like perfume .and he told me that’s the smell of the ocean. “.
Then I laugh about it and stop thinking about him. Because he sure made a fool out of me that night .
Katy48 and kittylover
I’m with you Katy, he sure did make a fool out of me.
I found that once I accepted what he really is, a sociopath, then it became easier because I wasn’t trying to find a way back to him anymore.
My jewel of a therapist told me stop hurting myself. Because I was! I learned to discern, were these thoughts helping me or wounding me. They were so painful so cleary, they were wounding! Like the therapist said, don’t feed the dark wolf.
I stopping counting all the things that we did together. Because it was fraud done to trap me. I stopped ruminating on all in my life that was connected to him.
Instead I focused on how to make myself feel better and exchanged the thoughts that hurt with the thoughts of doing things.. whatever I enjoyed.
For a while, I found new “favorite songs”, new favorite foods, new favorite everything. After I was fully grounded in my new favorites, I went back to my favorites that were done with him and I redid them, with a twist, I personalized them to ME. I made NEW memories of enjoying my favorite places, replacing the hurtful memories of him. I fed the joyful parts of me.
And I started laughing at him. It was hard because I wanted to cry, so at first I faked it. I laughed at his obvious scams and I say it out loud, oh you fooled me then, and you fool lots of people all the time, but I’m not one of them.
The thing to be shocked about, is how we still don’t get how very evil they truly are. We THINK we know how devious they are, but it’s MORE than that. I also have a type of voodoo doll, that I call “Dick” that I treat like “Mr Bill” from Saturday NIght comedy skits. I do less and less with Mr Bill now, but every once in a while, Mr Bill becomes animated again with silly conman words and then is whirled on one leg and set flying. Oh that silly DICK, SLICK DICK. With his words that are so SLICK, he’s slimey. And I laugh. No faking my laugh, I actually think of him and laugh. And then go on to my authentic, real, joyfilled life.
Thanks for the reminder of tricks I used to help myself past the pain.
dear not what he said of me…
I have been very busy.. and I am just getting this glorious post of your now… fri night after ten.
I am so grateful and touched by it… I do not know what to say.
you are right…
I need to stop blaming myself also for falling for his trap….
the answer to all of it?
he is a sociopath.
I was perfect prey and totally alone in a new state.
this is what they do.
I am not educated…..
I now know to go with my gut.
I now know words, tears, letters, promises can be ways of simply pulling me into a lie.
actions! that is what I need to watch.
I will not have sex too soon. had only known him like a month. I was lonely. I hadn’t been with a man in over a year. he was 6 ft. 5 an very hot… a fireman… and I made the mistake of falling for the flesh…
listen to my friends and family.
oh soooo much.
but I really really want to thank you for your post.
now to read more……
<3
Thistoo,
Hmmm…Weird I had a quick little flash of a thought that you were gonna write and tell us something. It was a very quick thought.
So, you had to change the password then, so far no hatm done?
I got an appt with a new counselor, we’ll see. The other one isn’t seeing patients, she had a family emergency.
I go Monday.
Remember,
Thank you for responding! I’ve really needed to chat tonight.
Weird that you thought I might say something. Weird too that this morning on my drive to work I had a feeling something was going to happen.
It’s just a password change. Even more proof it’s one of them. i’m leaning toward #2, mainly because I was a dumbass and attached my google voice to my new email. The google voice I last talked to him through so he wouldn’t have my number. I did get a strange phishing text on my new number that few people know. My number is on my account. Reminds me of things #1 used to do….I know it’s not a normal phishing text thing. I know what this is. All my other accounts are safe and fine.
Still, even though small, I’ve had a hard time with this. I was hoping things were going away. I’m accepting where I am and am making necessary changes. More changes!!!! UGHHHH. It’s such an inconvenience. My counselor said it most likely isn’t an escalation but that he/or he may just want to remind me that he is still around.
Why did I have to be in a relationship with not 1 but 2 computer spaths?? #2 is especially skilled.
I’m so happy you finally got an appointment! Monday, finally!! How are you feeling about it? I know you already know this, but remember to trust you’re gut to see if the person is a right fit for you.
My counselor told me a while ago…the top 3 most common and dangerous (because of their ability to control) spaths:
1. Police
2. Military (or ex)
3. Computer guys
Interesting….
Interesting. 3. That’s him. It’s true.
Thistooshallpass:
Thank you for your sharing what your counselor told you about who are the most dangerous. My ex husband textbook spath has a master’s degree in comp sci.
I cannot even begin to tell you all the things he did to me.
First, Lesson to All, Get new bank accounts, put a password on them, do not bank online and insist, from your bank, that you must come physically come into the bank to make any changes to your account. I never banked on line in my entire life.
When I discovered from my bank, that “someone” had set up on-line banking. He had my SS#, DOB, mother’s maiden name, all the vital information about me. He got a copy of my bank statement, from my children, who he convinced, he needed to have it. It was a night mare. I finally found out just how many times he was in my account. Two double sided, computer printed pages of the time, location and date. After speaking with that bank about this problem, which they said I set up, the account was closed. A new bank was established with very very tight security measures taken. I have not had a problem, that I am aware of, yet.
These people are the most dangerous for sure. Thank you for posting.
Out of There,
Thank you for your response. I have been manipulated by 2 computer spaths now, as well as an ex husband computer guy who wasn’t a spath, although he was slightly narcissistic.
Your warnings are sound, although I have to admit I’m still banking online. I’ve been thinking about getting off, especially considering my current situation. Your post hit home with me. There’s such a convince to online banking. As normal people with normal hacking potential there is a risk. The world worries about unknown people stealing information/identity. With us, it’s personal. These people seek us out to cause harm.
Even my ex husband, who was a very nice man until divorce, would use my information (SSN, names, etc) to create accounts and change them unauthorized. He even once convinced a credit card company to delete my account claiming “we” were hard on times so he wouldn’t have to pay. He made very good money.
We need to watch out for these people. They are dangerous. I have now found out to the fullest extent.
As for me now, I know there are good computer people out there. Some of you may be them, so no offense if you are. But I seem to attract them. After every relationship I say never again, no computer guys, and then….
My counselor talks to me about deal breakers. I feel dating computer people, especially experts, has tainted my trust for good. Deal breaker in my possible dating future: No computer men. Period.
Out there, I didn’t realize this was one of my deal breakers until your post. Sure, I’ve thought about it but it hit hard today.
Thank you!
Annette,
Thank you for your detailed post and for taking the time to help me. This has been a hard few days for me. I couldn’t bring it in me to post yesterday. Healing from my spaths and realizing for the first time in years after divorce that I was in an abusive relationship is mind blowing. I can’t even begin to describe the emotions it’s bringing out in me. One thing I know for sure, this is where my healing finally begins. I know now that I’ve never been in a healthy relationship.
For example, I always thought constant contact was normal. Now I see how controlling it is and the purpose it serves. Spath #2 would compliment me on the fact that I would always respond to his texts. He loved it. Now I know why. He wanted me to keep responding. i’m sure strong/healthy people in his past that he dated most likely fought that kind of attention.
My divorce was horrible. HORRIBLE. I had done nothing to inspire that kind of meanness and callousness. It was hard for me to understand. I recognize now that I went grey rock. I was always proud of how I handled divorce and communication with him. Don’t get me wrong. I was a mess. I made very poor choices through my healing process. I didn’t always make healthy decisions. I was discarded and that was a hard thing to explain to people. I didn’t understand it myself. That was the hardest part to get past. That and that I didn’t know him. It caused me immeasurable pain for years.
When he didn’t want me to get a job, I told him I needed to stay with my parents for a few days to figure it out. He said he loved me and would support me financially if it lasted more than a few days. The next day he said he wanted a divorce and cut me off. So…it seemed like I left him but I always felt he was the one to leave me. It finally hit me this morning. Subconsciously I was escaping his control, putting my foot down for me. I was regaining strength in myself after suffering depression and sickness. He was done at that point.
What I’m still having a hard time is how he was when we were married. I always thought we had so much in common and shared the same beliefs, when in fact it was just me talking and him agreeing. Clearly he lied during the relationship, although I didn’t know it at the time. His ‘niceness’ and ‘kindness’ reminds me of spath #2. The difference being that #2 would cut me down. I don’t remember my ex husband doing that. He was always nice and for the most part supportive, aside from the funeral, lack of fighting, sex and not wanting me to work in the end. He was affectionate and we communicated often. We spent most of our time together. I didn’t realize he wasn’t communicating with me and that it wasn’t healthy that we rarely did things on our own.
I didn’t feel any crazy making. I didn’t feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster and that something wasn’t right. I did feel like I was settling for staying together forever with a friend rather than a partner. I thought he encouraged me spiritually and that he helped me grow as a person. Looking back, I became more withdrawn and depressed over time. I was not happy. But I thought I was happy.
It’s just so hard for me to believe he was self seeking and a bad man during marriage. I never felt that. And even then I read people well. I could generally feel when I was being manipulated. I didn’t feel that way with him. I thought he just handled divorce the way he did because it was hard on him. Even though he was the one who wanted it and hurt me for no reason while we were separated. After all, I was the one who’d lost everything. He had my house, money, a job, my friends, a dating life. He was doing just fine.
I believe his past because his family confirmed it while we were together. Although his past was a mystery to me.
Sorry if I’m being redundant. I feel I’m missing some things I can’t quite put my finger on. I wonder if memories will come in time now? I’m so uncomfortable with this. I’m not liking this part of my healing process. I didn’t expect this to come up.
Annette,
One more thing, you confirmed what my counselor has always said about my ex’s. It doesn’t matter what disorder they have or what label. It matters if they treated me bad. All that counts is what I do for me moving forward.
A thing that bothers me…my trauma therapist I was seeing before and after divorce never picked up on his abuse. Maybe because she had met him a few times during sessions? I know she like him a lot.
This Too,
That the counselor didn’t perceive the abusive behavior of your ex doesn’t mean there’s any doubt his choice of behavior was harmful to you, disordered, and classic spath behavior. The counselor may not be familiar with spaths and/or manipulated by your ex. I have read that spaths often charm therapists, and many therapists are not familiar with spaths. It is the worst kind of abuse. She is probably not the best counselor for you to deal with the damage done to you due to the abusive ex.
Many counselors believe that both partners always contribute to marriage problems, which is not the case with abusers. The best experts recommend not to do couples counseling until the marriage is abuse free for at least a year; and then other issues can be addressed as a couple. The abuser should participate in an abusers therapy group first. Most abusers don’t change.
Annette,
My therapist was a trauma therapist. I was saw her for a couple of years before my separation when my ex came to a few sessions. I was getting help on past trauma. Still, I think he made an impression on her. I can see why she didn’t see it initially. I had no major concerns about him at the time.
One would think she’d see what was happening during my separation and divorce. I liked her a lot up until then. Then I didn’t feel like I was getting much from her and would sometimes leave sessions feeling worse. I wanted to stop seeing her for a year but she kept me hanging on. If I was the woman I am now I would’ve walked away and not have taken a glance back!
I see my counselor tomorrow. I feel so blessed to be receiving counseling at my local safe house. My counselor knows her stuff in and out. I’m looking forward to talking with her about my ex husband. From the little we’ve talked about him I have the feeling she sees some of his abuse. She’s pointed out small things. I think she’s letting me work at my own pace.
Annette,
I want to personally thank you for your guidance on my ex husband being “nice.” You opened my eyes and although the realization has been tough, I am now fully aware that I was being abused.
I saw my counselor today. I didn’t tell her I thought he was abusive. But I told her about him and said I could never figure out why I had a difficult time healing. She said because he was abusive and creepy. She likes to use the word creepy for abusers. I like that she uses that word. We dug deep, at least as much as one can in one session. She pointed out ways he had isolated me, which I wasn’t aware.
She believes that his tactics through divorce were intentional to harm me and that he played many mind games.
I am in disbelief but also relieved because I can finally find closer and understanding within myself.
Let the healing begin!!!
I’m hoping this helps me come to terms with my two spaths. Looks like 3 now. It’s like I’ve won the spath lottery!!! Lucky me:)
This Too,
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot; it probably is the door and the path to healing, but it’s not easy. It sounds like you have a pretty good counselor, who can help you understand why you felt the way you did in your marriage.
I think I understand what you’re describing; and I relate to a lot of it.
You mentioned that you sense that there are some things you ‘can’t put your finger on’ yet. It sounds like your subconscious is trying to tell you something that will give you more clarity. It may be that you are protecting yourself by blocking some things. It may be that you will encounter a deep hurt and have a lot to grieve.
I hope all goes well. Prayers for your healing process.
This Too,
Good that you can see the positive difference in yourself, that you would now handle the poor therapist more assertively to protect yourself. That’s positive personal growth!
Thanks, Annette.
I’m enjoying the relief I feel today, knowing that harder days are to come as I recall more. I feel more comfortable in the fact that I have experience now with this type of healing. I’ve learned ways to better care for myself and have good coping tools, not that I always use them. Depends on the day. I’m not feeling great about the fact that I’m still dealing with stalking and healing from the others. I’m not sure what that’s going to do for me.
Good news, I’m on summer break now. I have time for self care and to do things for me! It feels good to have a summer when I won’t be answering to anyone but myself.
This Too,
Consider that the behavior you describe, changing and deleting your accounts which are in your name without telling you, does not fit the definition of a ‘nice man.’ If he acted not nice when you divorced, he is not a nice man. Nice people are nice all the time. If a person acts ‘nice’ sometimes and acts mean other times, the ‘nice’ behavior is to manipulate, not because he is committed to nice behavior for the purpose of not harming others.
Annette, thank you for your reply. I’ve been thinking about what you said all day. It’s something that’s bothered me for years. I started recognizing after divorce that my ex definitely had some control issues. Like he controlled my money, didn’t want me looking for more work. We never fought, although I’d wanted to. He didn’t like to fight, so when I was frustrated I learned to leave the room. Our divorce was very sudden. We were married one day and BAM, it was over.
I’d finally put my foot down and started taking better care of myself. This was after being diagnosed with celiacs. I had been very sick, in and out of the hospital for 4 months. I wanted to change my lifestyle and seek work around adults. I was teaching music from home and at a local school and would perform. I needed more. He wasn’t having that, but in a “nice” way. Then our relationship was done.
I was young when I met him (early 20’s) and took his niceness as a great sign. I remember not liking how fast our relationship moved. He told me he loved me after 2 weeks and it made me uncomfortable. I thought I was happy with him for six years. Other than the fact we didn’t fight and he was interested in having sex with me. He said he would “work on it.” When we were separated I was packing up some of my things and found porn magazines in his office. Who knew?! for all I knew he didn’t even like sex!
He did so many hurtful things during the divorce. The most hurtful thing he did was lie to others about me. He acted like such a nice guy and would tell people I was the bad guy. For ex, he wanted me to keep our 3 pets and then people would approach me and say how dare you for keeping animals you can’t even care for. WTF? It was a strange experience. I lost a lot of people in my life. I knew nothing about our financial situation and was able to figure out passwords, etc. I found a boatload of stuff I never knew.
When people ask me when we divorced, my answer? I married a man I didn’t know. I still don’t know who he was. It took me YEARS to move past that to a more peaceful place. It was the ultimate betrayal to me at the time, not knowing who he was.
So nice guy, probably not. It’s just hard to put my finger on it all. He treated me with kindness when we were together. Even though subtly controlling.
Any insight on this? Maybe somewhere on the abusive spectrum?
This Too,
Having been married young, you may not have had an understanding of a healthy relationship to compare to your marriage. You may not have fully realized that you were being treated badly. Going through the process of understanding the truth of your marriage and your ex may result in unburdening yourself of feelings of confusion and blaming yourself for things out of your control.
You may feel that you don’t really know who your ex is because you have cognitive dissonance about his doing some nice and kind things while being generally abusive. Your intuition that there is more to him than you know is probably right ”“ he’s likely got more secrets besides the porn and lies you’re aware of.
My ex psychopath was a porn addict, a cross dresser, and he did child porn. He is not interested in sex with a live adult woman. He really isn’t heterosexual. He is a pathological liar. I know it is likely that what I happened to discover was probably the tip of the iceberg.
It sounds like your ex did horrible things that are not nice, which defines him as a not nice person. I would call it evil to lie to others about you. What you describe is a horrible smear campaign. The ’nice’ things he said and did were to manipulate, not for your well being. If he were nice he would care about your well being all the time in all ways, and what you describe is someone cruel and abusive, who acts with no regard of your feelings and needs.
My ex psychopath did little niceties like opening doors and helping me carry things. It was manipulation, not kindness, he was abusing me in many ways.
It is not possible to fully love someone in 2 weeks because it takes time to get to know someone well enough to love. Professing love too soon is a red flag that indicates that the victim has been targeted for exploitation without caring about who she is as an individual. If someone tells you they love you in 2 weeks they are lying. (My ex psychopath was talking about marriage in about 2 weeks.)
People in healthy relationships have disagreements, which they resolve through talking, or ’fighting.’ Your ex used the stonewalling tactic to train you to walk away rather than resolve problems. What you describe is passive aggressive abuse, also called covert aggressive. He just wants his way, he does not care about your needs nor your point of view. Caring about others and learning to work together for the well being of both partners is a rewarding joy and the core of what a relationship is. Your ex was not relating, he was bullying you.
Your ex sounds very abusive. It’s been empirically proven that emotional abuse does more emotional and physical harm and the victim takes longer to recover, than physical abuse. He betrayed you in the worst way.
There are good books and good info on the internet about emotional abuse and covert abuse. You may find that more information will help you get some clarity in understanding what your ex was doing and how it affected you.
Annette,
My head has been spinning since I read your reply and from your previous reply to me. I am so confused.
I can’t wait to see my counselor this week. She doesn’t know much about my ex husband and believes he was controlling. She was the one that suggested the relationship ended so suddenly because I finally put boundaries into place. I told him things I was going to do for me, without his opinion. I stood firm. I didn’t even think it would be a big deal…
I did research on passive aggressive and covert aggressive, He has qualities of both, but not all. I also see some qualities that he shared with my spaths, although slight. I don’t believe he’s a spath. Although interestingly, after divorce I would describe him as a narcissist (I didn’t even really know what that meant until research on my paths). I also believe his gf of many years is one. I heard through the grapevine they wrote a self help book a couple of years ago together (it’s true). How cute of them. She used to be my life coach. They play in a band together.
I wrote a list of things that stand out. I’m going to share and hope you read. I appreciate your insight. This may be long but I NEED help with this. I know you can’t “diagnosis” but for a year you have never steered me wrong.
I’m far removed now so I’ll write what I can recall.
Traits:
Let’s start with the good…
-He loved my family and friends. He would help them. He honored commitments to them. He honored commitments to me. Except for the time he didn’t attend my grandma’s funeral and it was hell for me. He had no good reason not to go.
-He had an f’ed up past. Not a good thing, but I felt it explained some things. Although he wouldn’t talk about it much. I only knew his mom died when he was 7 from cancer. He stepmom was shitty.
That’s about all on the good side. Because I didn’t know him. I always thought we got along so well. I later realized he agreed with everything I said and shared the same beliefs. It was always me talking.
Not so good:
-No feelings in his eyes. I HATED this. I swore I would never date a man with no feelings in his eyes again. I ended up with 2 more men like that.
-His stare (at the beginning of the relationship only). That bothered me.
-He talked marriage within a couple of days. In 3 months we moved in together. He convinced me to pursue my music business and took control of all finances. I thought he was looking out for my well being.
-I was isolated in my work.
-He was a chameleon. A boss of his even said he could get along with a cucumber if he wanted to. Everyone loved him! I never met a person who didn’t, EVER. I thought that was weird, even at the time I would tell him so.
-He was a procrastinator and always ran late.
-He was in constant contact with me. Always.
-He wouldn’t have sex with me. This started before we got married and got way worse. It was the hardest on me.
-He was very fake sensitive/cried a lot (like my spaths).
-He didn’t care if other men flirted with me or if I flirted with them.
-He adored attention from the same sex. I thought he was either gay or asexual. But he would masterbate in his sleep. And then there are the magazines…
-He was dependent on me for relationships. He wouldn’t hang out with his friends without me. Yet my life revolved around his.
-Couldn’t argue. He made me believe this was a good thing.
-I was completely dependent on him. I depended on him for EVERYTHING. Love, affection, possessions, financial stability, self worth, opinions, etc. I was basically his emotional slave. I’d lost myself completely. It took me years to realize that after divorce. I’d just thought it was a codependent relationship.
After separation/divorce…
-I was left with nothing. I didn’t have a penny. He had it ALL. I had to live with my parents at 30. He finally gave in and gave me $200/mo until the courts stepped in. I’d quit my music business 1 yr prior for grad school and was in recovery from being sick.
-He didn’t pay bills he was ordered to. My credit went to shit. After all, I didn’t have money.
-He entered a relationship immediately after a series of sexual encounters. He would leave sex scenes at our house knowing I would be there to pack things.
-He changed the locks on my house when I complained about his sex scenes. MY dream house, btw, that I couldn’t afford.
-We had a relentless legal battle. He even fought me for my wedding ring.
-He created accounts/changed accounts/lied about money.
-People still think I horrible because of his lies. It’s still hard when I run into people. For the first time in my life, some people actually think I’m “mean”. It hurts.
That’s about all I can come up with. Know crazy making that I know? Maybe some gaslighting? I feel there’s stuff I can’t put my finger on…
Great things came out of my divorce. I found an awesome career. I built my credit back up and bought a house. I found myself and was happy. To be honest, when he told me he’d wanted a divorce I was relieved. I still don’t understand why did it took me years to recover, knowing that I was actually pleased to be apart from him.
He’s not like my path #1. Maybe like covert #2. #2 was married for 4yrs and I totally get why she doesn’t see it. I wouldn’t have unless I’d known #1.
Thank you Annette, for opening my eyes. I don’t believe he’s as wicked as my spaths but now I see that he was abusive.
I feel like my world has been rocked. How did I not know? Maybe I did? Maybe now I can finally heal….
This Too,
I’m glad you built a good life for yourself after your bad marriage. Perhaps it took a long time for you to recover because you were badly harmed by a very mean person in your marriage.
You’ve provided some good info about your ex’s behavior. You’re reexamining your perception of your ex, which will help you get clarity. What you describe is a horrible way to treat another human being especially one’s spouse. His choices of behavior hurt and cause harm. What he does is unethical. If one doesn’t tell the truth and keep one’s commitments, the only purpose of using words is to deceive and manipulate. Otherwise what’s the point of saying anything.
In trying to diagnose him, different people will come to different conclusions. It’s my understanding that it requires only a few traits on the checklist to meet the criteria for a psychopath label. You are the best judge of how he made you feel. Consider that what’s more important than labeling your ex, is whether he was good for you. Did the marriage contribute to your well being and spiritual growth? Did he appreciate and value you and what you contributed to the relationship? What were the fruits of his life – Did he enhance the lives of those he interacted with – family, friends, colleagues? Does he have good character according to your definition of right and wrong? It may be helpful for you to consider what your standards are, what is acceptable and unacceptable to you? What is a deal breaker for you? For example, honesty is very important to me. How do you feel about lying, cheating? Is productivity and hard work important to you? How you feel and what your values are is what you base your life on, and it’s important that those closest to you respect your values and share important ones.
Whatever your ex’s reason for not attending the funeral that was important to you cannot be a good one. Maybe he just wanted to hurt you for fun, maybe he was just incredibly selfish and didn’t feel like going, maybe he had a problem with someone who would be there, who knows? But there doesn’t seem to be a good reason, and at best he didn’t care how his choice not to attend affected you, which is unacceptable in a marriage that is based on a promise to “love and cherish.” If he only honors commitments some of the time, then he’s not honoring commitments ”“ he’s doing what he feels like and it’s random whether he made a related commitment or not.
Were you able to corroborate what he told you about his difficult past? You know that he is a liar, so whatever he says about anything may or may not be true. Also, many people who have difficult or abusive childhoods overcome and develop good character in spite of their past. Since your ex was aware of his difficult past, what did he do to overcome the negative influences? Do you sense that he was using his past to justify his bad behaviors?
The staring and the dead eyes you describe are common characteristics of psychopaths. I’ve read several different theories about why they stare.
Psychopaths don’t have any values of their own, and they are motivated to make a good impression on their victims because it increases their ability to control and exploit them. It is a common pattern for them to get the victim to reveal her values, needs, and aspirations; and then mirror them back, saying they are just like their victim.
Smear campaigns and perversions are also traits of psychopaths.
Isolation and constant contact are common abuser tactics to maintain control including mind control of the victim.
One spouse taking care of the finances is not necessarily a problem, if he manages the financial resources for the benefit of both spouses and shares important financial decisions. Since he took all the money when you divorced, he wasn’t interested in your well being with respect to the finances.
He had no compassion for your needs and no sense of fairness in the divorce situation. He was ruthless and dishonest and didn’t care if he harmed you. Deliberately leaving sex scenes for you to see is going out of his way to hurt you for no reason other than the thrill of harming you. That is frightening and evil.
His lack of interest in sex with his wife indicates he was using the ’marriage’ for some other reason than a fulfilling mutually beneficial relationship. Given his past behavior, the ’relationship’ he entered into after the divorce was likely him exploiting a new victim for things he wants.
His effect on your life is what his character is and what kind of a person he is. He deprived you of sex during the ’marriage.’ He harmed you by depriving you of financial resources. He harmed you by conducting the smear campaign. He ruined your credit. This is a very bad person who deliberately harmed to benefit himself. He does these things in the context of marriage which is supposed to be a love based relationship. What is your definition of love?
He lacks compassion, which is a fundamental trait of a psychopath. If he lacks compassion for you he will not care about anyone’s well being. When he acts nice, it’s because he thinks acting nice will work for him. It’s a tactic and he will change and act mean when he thinks that will work for him.
Overall, it probably does not matter so much why your ex did what he did, or what the right label is for him. What matters is the things you can control, and your life. It’s useful to focus on his disorders enough to determine he’s bad for you and what to do about it,, and then go on to spend your energy on those who deserve it: you and the good people you interact with in your life.
Thistoo,
I agree it’s probably a little message to remind you he’s there.
It probably won’t escalate.
I’m just trying to give up (on him in my mind).
I’ve been a lil off balance since the weekend.
It will be ok though.
We’ll see how this one goes (therapist) fingers crossed.
Remember,
Your weekend was tough. Thinking you may see him…people talking about him…we’d like to think we’re stronger than that but it’s still tough. I’ve been there. It usually takes me a few days to a week after something like that.
I give you until the end of this week. You’ll be feeling better soon, most likely by the time you see your new therapist.
Xoxoxox
Thistoo,
I think you are right, by the end of the week I will be better.
Sucks that you know about this, but it helps me that you know the drill.
So, yesterday you went to log in your email and you couldn’t get in?
Wow.
I’m sorry that these past few years you have had to live in fear.
Mine only threatened to physically assult me when we were together. While breaking up it was all begging until I changed my number.
My threats were then that I fkd up and he would be letting me know all about it…(every girl he said).
I was still scared at first from the harrassing and light stalking, but I can’t imagine the severity of the death threats and breaking in that you experienced.
I’m sorry you, me, and we have gone through all of this.
Thank you for helping me along.
xoxo
Remember,
Wow. The moment I started listening to that song I got goosebumps. There are so many songs that tell me artists know from experience, but this…
“And I know that I can survive
I’ll walk through fire to save my life”
“You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace”
So true. This is me.
It’s up to us to save OUR lives. We will find our peace.
I’m so grateful my message gave you comfort. I get it. We get it.
I’m very protective of myself now. Surrounding myself with good people and on my terms (for now). I just had a conversation with my mom. We were talking about how I’ve made new friends, who also accept my boundaries! They may not always understand my situation, but they respect my down time and the need to not go out often. I’ve never had this. Proof my boundaries were skewed.
I can’t believe you talked to the girl he was flirting with! I remember that! Did you say anything or just a friendly hello?
I totally get wanting him to see you being in a better place and looking good. I’ve thought that as well. Then I remind myself, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. I matter the most to me. Be careful of the facebook thing. I know it’s a friend’s page but I personally would feel safer with you off his radar!
Although, on that note I’m sure he’s seen me and knows I look better….I remember when we talked after our breakup..he knew I’d cut my hair. I’m assuming he’s still around. Email hack aside. Speaking of which. I’ve received a couple of calls from an unknown number. I didn’t answer. 🙁
I keep listening to Sia’s song. You may have just given me a song with a new mantra. Thank you. 🙂
Thistoo,
Calls from an unknown number? Oh boy.
I wonder if he did try to email and got rejected.
Goodness. I’m sorry you have a real stalker there…
Wait and watch and see. Like Kaya said, we must stay one step ahead of them.
He is not on my friends fb, but you know how people like pics and they go into the news feed.
The girl he was flirting with I know her and he knows I know her, not sure if he knew then, but I told him after he flirted with her.
I just gave a friendly hello. 🙂
I’d be surprized if she didn’t tell her peeps. Lol
Like I said, I won’t be going out for a while. Now ya see me now ya don’t!
I won’t give him the pleasure of doing exactly what he said he would. Show me, and make me jealous.
I heard the song this eve, and I thought who is that and what is she saying, so I googled in the parking lot and downloaded!
It’s great.
I haven’t listened again, only once, I may tear up the next time. It sounds like someone joins in towards the end.
It’s a little sad huh? But awesome.
🙂
Remember,
Social networking and its works…everything gets around!
Your “friend” will tell her peeps for sure. He’ll know. Not that it matters! You’re doing you…I’m so proud of you!! Since we’ve been talking, we’ve both come a far way….
Read the lyrics to the song while listening to it. It resonated with me big time! I don’t think of it as sad. Her lyrics say she’s taking control! Just as we are.
Let’s not talk about #2 being a stalker, yet. I can’t handle that. Yes, I believe it was him who hacked me. You know I don’t believe in coincidences, but I need to wait on the unknown calls. Sure, it’s a new number and strange unknown calls are happening at the same time. But I’m big on patterns. If it happens more, I’ll know for sure. I refuse to have 2 stalkers. 🙂
Thistoo,
I hear ya, it’s not a sad song, just felt a little emotion from it. Tbere hasn’t really been any song to get me yet, and I believe this is the one!
Yes, new number, strange calls. I had 2 unknowns one time.
I’m happy you are making new friends!
We are moving along, we are!
Remember,
This is my song for sure! Thank you. 🙂
We will survive, we will walk through “fire” to save our lives. They did NOT break us and will fight for peace. OUR peace.
We already are! How awesome are we? All of us on here? We are SURVIVORS.
Staying a step ahead of the spath is helpful while getting out, and the ultimate goal is to get to where we don’t dance with them, walk with them, play their games with them, nor have any interactions.
Remember,
I think it’d be terrifying to be in a relationship and have my life physically threatened! I’m grateful your ex is keeping a distance for now. Although he hasn’t gone away….look at thr fact he’s visiting places he know you may show up. The fact you still have to keep your eyes wide open says enough. Hopefully the indian with big boobs will end up being your savior.
I recall you saying your ex is only in long relationships. Both my spaths were always in 4 year relationships. Maybe long enough to have a cover without having to establish a brand new relationship too frequently? From what I’ve read they put a lot of effort into love bombing potential partners who will serve them the most.
Ya, the whole email thing….what a bitch. When I tried to log in yesterday it said “email was changed one hour ago.” Thank GOD I was able to get back in. I think because I caught it quick enough. I searched through my gmail security settings/events today. It listed password changes. My password had been changed only 15min before I changed it again! It said on the initial password change that it was changed from “location unknown.” When I changed it my device was listed.
I know it was one of them, again most likely #, especially because of the google voice number thing. I knew he’d be furious with me if he emailed me and it bounced back. Looks like I was right! Hopefully he goes away now. Just wish my new number wasn’t in my security settings. If I have to get yet a new number….arghhhh
Yes, the constant stalking has been hell. It’s only been going on a year, since I broke up with #2 a year ago. All the random stalking events for years only got to me at times. I did my timeline again in my head….it’s been 18yrs, not 19. Not like it matters. 18yrs is a long time! This past year alone has seemed much longer.
How you feeling now? Still on the up and up?
Side note…I’ve been getting complemented a lot on my appearance/demeanor lately at work. Today a woman said, “What’s your trick?” I gave a vague response and said I was feeling crappy before and needed to change things up. As I walked away it occurred to me….it’s because I’m no longer in a relationship with spath! hahaha! I may be being stalked but I’m free to be me!!!!
Thank YOU for being here for me! Your support and guidance has helped me tremendously. 🙂
Thistoo,
When I read your post from last night about my weekend and it taking x amount of time to recover, it made me feel instantly peaceful. You knew exactly what I was experiencing this week. 🙂
Also, the girl he flirted with on fb a day after we broke up- I know her, she was out Saturday night so I went up and said hi. 🙂
My friend also posted pics of us on Fb where mutual friends can see of course, so all that had my mind thinking, will he hear that I was there! Lollll.
I wanted him to hear of course, or see a picture, so he could know that i’m not dead, and didn’t lay down and die, and I gained weight back and look much better then when I was with him.
Yes, I know all that doesn’t matter, but it all crossed my mind. I won’t go out for a while now either, so if he thinks he’s gonna catch me to show me him and his new victim, nope.
I bet you look 100% better these days. It’s like a weight gets lifted right off our shoulders, and then the light in your face comes back- and you shine again!
That whole email thing is crazy. Has to be him!
I thought he was leaving you alone because you are crazy or what not. Hmph. Right.
Are you familiar with the singer/writer Sia? Her new song Elastic Heart, I just heard it. I googled the lyrics, she is hard to understand- then I listened to it.
You should check it out!