UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I’m having a moment. I’ve been going to the doctors and my appointments and doing what I need to do to heal from the surgery ( yes, my body is taking forever to heal) and I go tomorrow for a scan to see if the tumors have regrown. I get to speak to the doctors that had one on one with him. I am still no closer to finding what the heck really went on behind my back. I am tempted to even show up at his work and start asking around. Or at his parents house and ask for my things back. Well my pets remains. I can live without a computer or ï¸cell phone if I have to. What for me today was I was going through old emails. One especially strung a cord. It was after he silenced me. Him and his silent treatments. I was in turmoil at that point. It was very clear. I also can’t forget what his silent treatments would do to me emotionally. The pain. I sometimes wish someone could erase those memories. I was reading his emails. Looking to see if any signs were there. Any red flags. Anything I could have missed or done differently. The email was him apologizing for our “arguement” ( me not knowing what happened, what I said wrong or if I said or did anything wrong. Just one moment he was there the next he left like normal and he refused to talk to me for two weeks). It was at the middle stages. The end stages he made it known he was ticked and would call me names. Or gaslight to the degree that I wouldn’t know what was going on. Even saying hello instead of hi would bring him to go on a rage session and blame me for “starting something”, and he would call me names and grab his things and silence me. But while reading this particular email he actually admits he is selfish and sees I am sensitive probably because of my childhood. He tells me he doesn’t think being selfish is that bad. It’s actually a good thing and I need to deal. He then goes on to say he has no idea when he’s hurting someone. He never learned it because of his family dynamic. ( really you can tell when the person who loves you and would do absolutely anything for you- is asking you to please stop doing **** and if you continue she cries? Really? You really can’t tell?)
The email then goes into promising me a life of equality and unconditional love and for him to work on communicating. Then it quickly goes to explaining how when he is ticked he needs time alone. ( I guess saying hi ticked him off for two weeks?) and he goes on to promising me he’ll never do it it again and wants to make it up to me. How we love each other… Needless to say he did it. Over and over. And each time he did I swore I wouldn’t go back to him because he hurt me that way too much. But I couldn’t stop myself. ( why couldn’t I stop myself?) that was how he dealt with a problem. That was his control and manipulation and I see now abuse. I knew it was abusive to an extent. I only felt that deep sorrow and pain when I was a kid. But everytime I would talk about it he would put me down. Down shadow and I was a wolf crying abuse. Then he would tell me what I should have done. It didn’t matter I learn I would do what he asked. It didn’t matter. He would always get mad eventually and then another silent treatment.
Why do I feel like he is going to contact me? Why right now. When I read that email I cry. ( I have been crying for a good 2-3 hrs). My goal was to go through it and delete the account.
I have an appointment with a lawyer in a week, hopefully I can get my things back. I realize now also he had said when I told him I was diagnosed with cancer his reaction wasn’t sad. It wasn’t heart break. It was emotionless eyes. The stare he always had. And he told me that his life will not stop because of my diagnosis. That’s what he said. No I’ll help you. Don’t worry. It was all him.
I guess he was telling me the truth. In all this time all he had to do was say ” I no longer want a relationship with you”, and I would accept that. But just like all the other times. He left. Complete abandonment at the hospital. No conclusion. Nothing. He even has my things they sent to him. So why. Why hold on to my things. My Pets remains. Everything that’s irreplaceable and meaningful? It’s not like he would answer. He never answers when he would silence me. Is he baiting me? Wanting me to show up at his parents house? Why torture someone like that. I don’t know if I’m making sense. I’m hurting. I’m trying to figure out what’s the truth and why he would hurt someone that much. I mean he saw how much I was breaking whenever he would silence me. The sad part is I never knew what I did wrong. He never told me. He never had the conversation of wtf happened. It always bothered me. This time why did he abandon me in the hospital? Did he just find someone else and was sick of me dealing with my sickness and if that’s the case why not break up with me? No fuss no muss. Sure I’d hurt but I’d get over it. Why keep my things? Why?
If you’ve moved on to someone else give back everything to the person you’ve let go.
I’m a mess.
bluelight,
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and doing what you need to medically heal.
I’m glad you have an appointment with a lawyer. Please wait until then to make any actions. I know you’re hurting. Please know, he wants you to pursue your loses, whether to make you seem crazy, make a point, etc.
His silence treatment has a purpose. I’ve gone through this. He knows it causes you pain and he knows it will make you want to reach out.
Yet…he’s giving you the silent treatment and at the same time you feel he is going to reach out. I’ve had this too. This is your gut response: You know what he wants you to do (reach out to others in his life and/or him) and if you don’t do that, he will contact you.
Just wait, time will tell. Speak to the lawyer. For now, focus on you and getting better.
Have faith that you will get your precious pet back without dealing with him directly or with people he knows. ((hugs))
Thank you for your response. It makes sense. I was just emotional I wasn’t thinking logically. I’m sorry I didn’t reply until now just been exhausted as of late with the doctors.
I also have to hear this song you guys mentioned. Seems like it will help.
I’m glad I found this site so much. Until now anytime I would ask anyone I knew if their significant other would silence them they would give me strange looks like I was crazy. No one understood. No one. ( which of course reinforced that I was to blame). I still don’t understand. If you have something to say to someone. Say it.
But I’ll listen to your advice. I’ll see the lawyer before I do anything. To be honest I just want my pets remains. I’m so drained. Trying to figure out everything. What a waste of years.
I’m also sorry you had your email hacked. Yes without w doubt you know who it is. My advice. Start new. New Google phone number new email. Even if you have to forward your original address to the new one. He can have fun with the old one but you can filter it so your new one is not effected. You can have it go to direct folders so your friends can go into a friend folder and his can go to the trash and you never have to deal with it.
I tell you you don’t deserve it. But it’s without a doubt. Him. Mine used to do that at the beginning. Until I didn’t give a reaction. Then it stopped.
I’m sorry you have this stress in your life. Please know it’s one of the sick power control maneuvers these computer people like to do. They also like to see your online activity. ( what you order offline, what groups you’re in). Mine had fun with those and would say sly comments whenever he was in an arguementative mood.
Please note it has nothing to do with you. It’s their ego power and control behaviors. Also screw the unknown numbers. Try to get in the habit of ignoring them. If the person can’t show their number or leave w message it’s their loss. 🙂 you deserve better lady!
Blue,
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing so much grief. Feeling your feelings and thinking your thoughts is the only way to move through it. You will feel better. All that crying is cleansing your body of stress chemicals, so it’s not really a bad thing. When you feel better, you might move upwards to a new plateau of feeling better than you have for awhile.
It’s not possible to really understand spaths – their motivations are evil. Always remember that his behavior had nothing to do with you personally. You didn’t do anything wrong to make him leave. He planned to leave and he pretended it was your fault to justify his behavior, and because spaths like to torture their victims for the power and control rush they get. They use our normal emotions, desires, responses, to manipulate and control us.
He has never wanted a relationship with anyone and he has never had a relationship with anyone. He will never move on to someone else, and he never really was with you. The lack of closure from spaths makes it very difficult for victims to move on.
Everything good in the relationship was from you, and was about you, and who you are. He offered nothing but fakery. All the good things you gave and felt and thought are yours to take with you wherever you go in life. He never gave you anything worthwhile; he just hitched a ride on your good qualities.
Annette
Thank you. I will totally have to print this out one day. Everything you say here is true. I just have to accept it.
He was the unlikable one in the group of friends. I was the like able one. I was so cheery so fun and loving when we first met and he slowly drained me. Until I was just a sad young women and then a Cancer patient.
I truly believe he was going to leave. He made so many comments of me being so unenergetic when I got diagnosed. He made so many comments of his new friends at work were how I used to be. I was so nervous that because I was drained and dealing with Cancer it was my fault. It’s not. I was doing the best I could and people who care and love me would get that. He never did. Ever. He probably didn’t introduce me to them because to them I didn’t exist. Or I was the evil one. He kept telling me he couldn’t trust me not to make a scene. I never understood what that meant. But I blamed me. Now I think it’s because of he did something you shouldn’t and didn’t want me to let everyone know his true colors. It was easier to cut me out. Then he didn’t have to deal with being nice to me building on being a good character. A trust worthy man. A communicative respectful one. This way he had both until I was incapacitated. He was looking for a way out. Always.
I can only hope the people can start seeing through his mask.
I remember he used to say ” I can’t be late to them like I am with you. I can’t afford loosing their friendship”. It made me feel like crap. He treated all of them so well. Me I was garbage. All I know is he couldn’t keep it up with me so I hope he can’t with them.
I hope they see him for who he is.
Thank you for your post. I still get stuck blaming myself. I have to really accept that I couldn’t have done anything else. It was his decisions. He was never connected with me. It’s clear. Because I know I could never treat anyone as discustingly as he had to me.
How are you guys doing today?
Bluelight,
I’m so sorry you are having a bad night.
You deserve 100 times better than that.
You have been going through so much health stuff, and being sad over him on top of that is awful.
I will pray for you to feel at peace with this. All of us. We all deserve real compassion. So much better than them.
Hugs thank you!
I forget sometimes. I get lost into the thinking of ” what did I do?” ” what could I have done differently?” Because really that’s the brain washing. He wanted me to believe it was my fault. Because isn’t that how they think? We are all slaves to them.
I know he used to listen to this spiritual guru. A cult leader that he made me listen to his tapings. It made my stomach turn of discust. It would make you try to believe why it’s okay to be unfaithful and teach you how not to feel guilty. He found it when he was silencing me one time. ( the time he ran out on me for five months). He came back a new and changed man. ( yeah right). He meditated. He had gone to counselling.
He told me I was sick and I should listen to this guru. I almost threw up. It goes to telling how a women’s life needs to be spiritually connected with a man. Not for love but to achieve higher wisdoms and our jobs are to take care of our man.. Also how we basically are slaves to them in every shape and form to them. I never finished what he wanted me to listen to but I was curious the other day. I went to go listen. It explains and rids of how men shouldn’t feel guilty keeping secrets. To them it isn’t a secret because it’s to a women and we are just stones to their pathway of enlightenment. All this bs. I am seeing that he probably believes this abusive horse radish.
He never spoke about it except that once. So I gave it a listen and felt sick ( still not knowing what it was really about because they try to speak like philosophers and I left it still in the introduction phase). Any case I’m glad I’m seeing him for who he is.
It’s amazing how people like this are walking in our society.
Just know I am thankful for each and everyone of you and that I met you.
You guys helps me everyday. Sending hugs to all of you.
Agreed. Very empowering.
Not what he said of me
Thanks for your great post and advice. I also laugh about it now. Before I always cried but now I can actually laugh about it. I usually receive a note with my alimony check every month. Those notes used to make my heart race, but not anymore. If I read them, sometimes I just file them away without looking at them, I usually laugh. “I do not appreciate being ignored for over 18 months now.”…one of his crazy statements. Hello, he tried to put a restraining order against me and now it bothers him that I ignore him. Unbelievable.
I also think time is one of our biggest helpers in healing. I noticed that I don’t think about what he did to me and his son anymore. It is in the past. I will never forget it but it does not occupy my brain anymore.
I find joy and happiness in things I learned to do on my own since I was discarded. Before I would never think going to take a walk on the beach by myself…it is ok now. It is ok to be on my own. I used to have this fear on being left behind but it is ok. The truth is that the times with him were exhausting, mentally draining and always ended up in some crazy making experience. I don’t recall any good vacations, any good holidays or birthdays..it always ended in drama. And most of the time it was out of my control, like the weather, the hotel, the traffic, anything. But I was to blame for everything that went wrong. Did I enjoy those times? Absolutely not. I was on edge the entire time. To be honest the best times in my marriage was when he deployed with the Army, thousands of miles away, and I was left to have peace. Peace that I have now without him….and it is great.
Keeping my fingers crossed- there is a significant date coming up soon and the sociopath’s crazymaking is escalating. I hope to come out OK on the other side.
We all have to be one step ahead of them at all times. We can understand them but they CANNOT understand us. This is a huge advantage we have dealing with a narcissist/sociopath. We educate ourselves about them, we learn his they operate. They underestimate everyone because they think they are the smartest person in the world.
In my divorce, whatever he was afraid of , like exposure, I used this to my legal advantage. Of course I did not communicate with him. Only through attorneys.
They treat us like fools and idiots but we are so much smarter than them.
Kaya,
That is good, very good!
Thank you for that point.
That was empowering!
🙂
I’m not going to do them any harm. They aren’t worth it, any way. I’m just upset that I was in such a good place in life, that I didn’t have my guard up AT ALL for this kind of evil turning my life upside down. I am guilty of NOT listening to that “inner voice/gut feeling” telling me something just “ain’t right, here”.
Here’s what happened. In summer of ’13, I noticed a few new faces at a place of business I visit every day. She was one. She and I said only hi/bye for about 2 weeks. I assumed she was one of the “temps” they hired. Days later, I asked if she was permanent or a temp. She told me she was actually a permanent hire (which was true–lying about THAT, apparently, wouldn’t accomplish giving her any kind of “thrill” or “control”—-sheesh)….
Although she DOES happen to be EXTREMELY attractive, (think Pamela Anderson, Kate Upton and Farrah Fawcett rolled into one), there were no “sparks” flying between us at all. (I’m late 40s, she’s late 30s)….By about a month in, it was now “well known” by “all” that she “lives alone with 3 kids, can’t make ends meet, and has received NO child support from her “exes”….” (THREE MASTERFULLY PLAYED LIES) By now, she has “charmed” everyone with her “over-the-top CHARISMA, (a complete facade!) People liked being around this new charmer. All her 1000+ Facebook “friends” (all other social sites as well) are all told the SAME LIE.
She would state that this “guy” who’s been taking her to football games just suddenly didn’t contact her and ended up taking a different girl and “stood her up”. (Later found out that’s a “pity play” for our sympathy)…Of course, I replied, “wow, what kind of idiot would stand YOUUUU up?” and it HONESTLY was said ONLY to make her feel better because THAT’S the kind of person I am.
In late December, she just happened to be fiddling with her phone when I walked in. She said “Let me get your number in case I might need it”….we texted every 10 days, then every 8, 6, 4, then by mid-February, EVERY day. Her supervisor was so sympathetic to her “story”, that she set up a funding website for the psychopath, and wouldn’t you know it, this charming “piece of work” TURNED on her supervisor, claimed she didn’t receive any money from it, accused her of stealing the funds and ranted endlessly on Facebook to the point her supervisor had to threaten a law suit if she didn’t stop…. Her supervisor went into a depression over it and almost lost HER job! (Found out later she’s a “serial con-artist” doing this from job to job.)
All this was going on unbeknownst to me, while she and I are just texting away like she’s the perfect little person. (Again, later found out they get a “high” out of these successful lies and cons….not to mention, they slowly find out what you like in a partner and BECOME that person….e.g. no man in her life, non-smoker, frugal saver….ALL LIES) So, needless to say, I’m thinking, yes, I think there might be “sparks” flying, after all.
The final nail was the fact that she and I came to realize we have a friend in common who happens to be a highly respected doctor in our community. I asked my doctor friend of TWENTY YEARS if she was “cool”, and she said “yes, she is” (even though the two of them hadn’t spent any time together since they were teens….I still took it as a positive and was now almost excited about my new prospective partner who comes with a ringing endorsement). She now had her hooks “fully in”.
She even attended a popular annual parade WITH MY OWN MOTHER, just to gain my trust even further….She had constantly complained about not being able to afford gas for her SUV having been sent to satellite offices farther and farther away and that the SUV’s transmission was going out, etc. Her (totally manipulated) 11-yr-old told me that the truck would make a loud “bang” when putting it in gear….I figured a kid like that wouldn’t lie to me….I was totally fine under the assumption that I now had a new “friend for life”, at the very least. I now had known her for 10 months. She passed all the “smell tests”. A few times, I said “we need to get you a nice little sedan that gets good mileage”….( I had decided in 2011 that I wanted to buy a car for a family in need once I found the right people….just my way of “giving”….I’ve done VERY well for myself over the years…..I don’t run a charity or anything like that)
She totally tricked me into a “date” to an NBA playoff game. She even had the kid sitting next to her take our pic, which I am now CONVINCED, she sent straight to her husband to give them both a sick “thrill”. I wouldn’t be surprised if they keep an album of their victims much like the old fighter pilots would stamp the side of the cockpit with the latest kill. It makes perfect sense. You see in movies all the time how the psychopath keeps photos of victims….She ALWAYS kept telling me we had a promising future “together”….
She always had a plausible excuse for why we didn’t take “things” to the next level and why I never could “come over”….sick kids, appointments, misbehaving kid, chaotic schedule, etc. I was fine with it. I did NOT fall in love with her. THANK GOD. I was fine just having a new “friend” and just wanted to make sure she had everything she needed.
The day of the car purchase…..centered around her DAY OFF…….She even had the nerve to text and request a time that was “better for her” than the time I mentioned to be there….Gotta CONTROL ME, after all.!!!! After we both signed form after form, I thought I’d play a little joke on her. I said to her, “Uhh, this sales manager is actually a reverend. These papers we just signed? You and I are now married”….Her kid said, “Ohh no, (So&So’s) gonna kill you, mom!”
I just figured “So&So” was the “jealous ex”….but, it was actually the husband waiting at home. She looked at the floor and began massaging her temples. Later, I figured out she was thinking to herself, “Shut up, (child’s name), you’re gonna blow it…. I’m ‘THIS’ CLOSE to driving away from here in a new car”
Four days later she texts, “Babe, I’m hungry” while at work on a non-busy Sunday. I swung into a drive-thru and got her a sack of food. I brought it to her. I walked in and there was a brother and sister there with the girl’s baby. They could see I was bringing lunch, but, never “took the hint” to leave. AFTER the big “psycho revelation” three months later, I put 2&2 together and realized she purposely told them NOT TO LEAVE just to get another “controlling high” and I’m sure was thrilled when I stormed out after 25 minutes. Sick. Just sick.
She managed to con me out of another $1600 after the car purchase. Then, to stoop even lower, tried tricking me into buying her teen a car by forwarding a text to me that the teen had supposedly typed….”my ultimate birthday would be to get a (color and make of a certain 2013 or ’14 car), fill it with friends and drive to…….” I didn’t fall for it.
She left the job about a month after the car purchase. I guess she grew bored with me as a toy.
There’s even more to tell like the time she tricked me into buying a ton of groceries, filled her trunk of the car I BOUGHT, then drove them home to her husband that she “doesn’t have”. That’s the night I saw the “psychopath death stare” I’ve heard so much about. It still haunts me. I didn’t know what the heck it was at the time, but once I “knew” I was “had”, I knew what I was dealing with…..Tragic. Just tragic. All of it.
Here is one of the best advice I got from my lawyer.
Stay off any social websites. Do not make fake profiles to check on him or any of the people he might know. Do not post anything about you. Avoid places he could be or his new minions could possibly be at.
Do not engage in any conversations with him. Act like he is not among the living .
This is the only way you can protect yourself. I understand how my ex thinks and operates. He had no idea about me.
No contact and not playing their games with them is the only way to healing, recovery, and filling one’s life with new and better things than the spath.
We all need to remember this :
When you were discarded, or when you broke of the relationship, when you filed for divorce. The narcissist /sociopath looks at it this way.
You must pay because you have stopped supplying ego kibbles . Kibbles are their life force. It does not matter that he has 1000 other sources of narcissistic supply, de feels entitled to yours. It’s his . You were of use and now you are not . How dare you ? And now you committed the biggest sin – you threw him of his throne, you know the real him, without his mask. You are no longer loyal to the wonderfulness that is him.
Do you see how they view things not in human terms, but in terms of ego kibbles. It makes a perverse sort of sense.
This is so very true. Spaths’ behavior becomes somewhat predictable when we know what motivates them. It’s expecting normal human ethical and compassionate behavior from them that causes confusion.
K,
Yes, I do get it, in their perverse, non human way!
He said to me during the end once, that’s it, you’re mine now.
That’s why they talk about their exs all the time- they think they still own them. And that’s why I WILL NOT be like her or any exs, that are friends with him. No WAY. NOT ME.
And normally, I would end up being nice to an ass**** way down the line…well, the buck stops here.
Kaya and Remember,
Both my spaths said you’re mine now. Actually #2 said, “You’ll never want anyone other then me.”
#2 is still friend’s with a couple of exes. They don’t see. It scares me for them.
How does a person gain this control over people? The way my ex talked about all of his exes. It made it seem like he still has control.
Yep, the buck stop here for us. Sadly, not for them and their past/future victims.
Thistoo,
They have to be either too nice, (like I have always been) or using him for something or other…attention, sex, boredom, etc…
Either way, I don’t get it. It makes me sad.
One exgirlfriend of #2 doesn’t realize she’s being victimized. They were only together a few months, although he liked to play with the timeline they were together. First it was 3 months, then 9. Then on and off. From what she’s said it’s 3. Which would make sense. She doesn’t know what he is. Now she’s in a relationship with his best friend. My counselor believes he is possible abusive too. So basically she’s being abused by her best friend (my ex) and her boyfriend. I’ve personally witnessed my ex’s abuse towards her. It breaks my heart knowing the situation she’s in and I can’t reach out to her.
Our ex’s and their ex’s. It’s one of the things that bothers me most.
Thistoo,
Happy Friday to all!
3 months doesn’t seem long enough to realize what the spath is…and if she didn’t figure it out, then sure why not be friends with him!?
My exs #1 was with him for 7 years and she still works in a strip club and stayed at his house when down seeing family, and that’s when he took over her Bmw payments. Lol, a dancer that can’t afford her car payment?? Lmao. She is pretty though. That’s the 3some one. Lol So, I say birds of a feather for that case.
His 10 year childs mother, she left him and went back to MA to family she left and didn’t talk to much, with 2 small children. She was nc when I met him, but I didn’t know that, he lied of course. I doubt she is friends with him!!
The other 1 year ex is dead… if she is even real, but I think so.
He brags i’m friends with every girl i’ve ever been with!
I just think, some don’t know and some don’t care, the shady ones.
I know mine will be in a relationship or is.
He said when we first spoke, oh no, no relationships- just a few friends, I always get hurt…I said I don’t do friends with benefits…
Remember and bluelight,
I so want to respond to the posts you wrote me today but I’m having a problem… bluelight, you have experience with this computer/email hack stuff…I’m hoping you both can help me…
So, I get home from work today and get online to write you back. My computer said it had full internet access but sites wouldn’t open. My computer kept saying that network configurations had changed. It’s taken me 3 hours to reset my computer. Problems:
1. Spath #2 got me my wireless modem (where the network had changed)
2. It took me 3 hours to reconfigure
3. I’m still on my damn computer that is still working like it’s on crack after the apple store “fixed” it and it’s only a little over ear old (I have an appt tomorrow to have it taken in AGAIN).
4. My counselor doesn’t want me to use my computer. She thinks it may be compromised. So what do I do, keep using it?!
5. When my computer said it had full internet access (and I couldn’t use it), apps like my contacts kept popping up without me opening them.
6. I think there’s a good chance I’m being hacked…paranoia aside…
7. This means I may have to get off this site. There’s a good chance he knows. Good chance he knows anyway as I told him I use this site after #1. Do I need to get off?
8. Any LF readers good with computer stuff and can tell me if my modem has been hacked, especially considering he was the one who gave it to me?
Ugh. So over this shit. Got another “unknown” call today on my new cell number. This all seems strange. Crapped out computer. Email hacked. Calls on my new number. Router shit changed. All at the same time. Coincidence?
You’re being here for me helps a lot. I’m doing okay considering. Is this all in my head? How is this even possible??
I mean, this is stuff we read about but it doesn’t really happen, right? These kinds of hacks. Sure #1 would change accounts/create them. But this is a whole new ball game.
I’m not big on coincidences with stalking spaths. So why am I questioning this? Yes, I am paranoid, in my own right, but this is different. I am not crazy. This is all happening. It’s all very strange.
Will someone please help me? If only to bring me back down. I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m so tired of my life being drama. I’m not a drama person. I just want this to stop. I want to move forward. You know what? I am moving forward…just with hurdles. It’s so frustrating. I just want to be drama free…….
I am so. over. this. Healing is hard enough.
ThisToo,
The stalking and the hacking you’re dealing with has got to be mentally exhausting and frightening. I think that it will not be possible to heal when you’re in a situation that continually generates new PTSD symptoms.
You might consider that going to the expense, time, and trouble to get a new computer, new modem, new router, new email, and new internet service provider, might save you time and trouble in the long run. You will be safer so you will be better able to heal emotionally, and you may be more productive.
You might consider in the longer term an even bigger change – maybe move somewhere else and make enough changes in your internet presence to get the stalkers out of your life. Even though there is a huge downside, if you consider the pros and cons it may be worthwhile in the long run. Without some way of making changes that will get these stalkers out of your life, you may be stuck in your present situation which sounds like an unacceptable way to live.
Annette,
I am grateful for your response! If anything, to be confirmed. THANK you. You shared with me suggestions I’ve thought as possibilities as well. It’s just all so much….but at some point, I need MY life back.
I ended up calling a friend with IT experience. She is going to help me change some things. I don’t want to be too specific. In helping me she shared she has a coworker she’s been frustrated with because she can only contact her via work email. She found out last week her coworker has been stalked for a while so she uses no means of electronic communication other then her work email, which she has to have. I’m wondering if cutting all ties will be best.
I’ve decided to further developing my safety plan. I’ve known there’s been a big chance I have to move, Now I’m looking into deciding on a state for back up. It’a been hard knowing my safety network is here, a home and job I love. I’ve thought I could stay because sure they can check in on me but internet stuff can happen anywhere…. I’m thinking it may come down to little to no internet activity and a move.
TH
One step at a time.
This is horrible. My life shouldn’t be determined by stalking. I am so upset by all of this. I keep hanging on. I thought things were getting better but now they’re getting worse again. I just wish it’d all go away.
I may sound somewhat reasonable or maybe even strong in this post. But I’m crumbling….
Thank you for being here for me.
Thistoo, you said exactly how I feel – I am SO tired of my life being drama. I am not a drama person either.
The real estate agent I have been working with for about a year said some very unprofessional things to me on the phone on Monday”she actually made me cry. We had an appointment to see a house on Wednesday morning, and on the way, I had a tire blow out on the freeway. I texted her and told her I wasn’t going to be able to make it and was sorry for the late notice (I have never cancelled or been late to an appointment once). She texted back “why not”. Then she left me an angry voice mail saying she was on her way and for me to call her immediately because she wanted to know why I decided to cancel. I texted her and told her that I had a tire blow out and was waiting for AAA and again I was sorry.
I have never heard back from her. Not oh no, I hope you are ok. Not do you want to reschedule. Zip. And I haven’t been getting her computer generated once or twice daily new listings, so I guess she “dumped” me.
There’s got to be more to this story but I sure don’t know what it is. Drama! I guess it’s all for the best. But just”weird.
HM,
Sounds like that’s her stuff, not yours. You, like me, are just sensitive to it because of our “drama.”
Does she have any other reason to think you are drama? Does she know about your experiences? She may have just been having a bad day/days.
I’m sorry you haven’t heard back from her. Curiosity…what did she do to make you cry on Monday? She may be off because of her own stuff, or she may be sensing something in you she can manipulate.
I had a bad coworker last year. I thought she was decent, but she manipulated me and fed on me. I told my counselor about her. My counselor said, did she know about your relationship with your spath? I found that interested. Like bad people feed on the sensitive in our lives.
Drama, drama, drama!!! I am SO over it!!!!!!
HM,
At least we can be drama together! Stupid how something as simple as a tire being blown out can make us feel like we’re drama.
Thanks, spaths. Grrrrr
Thistoo, very astute question. She does know that I had a bad breakup and am trying to put things back together”very few details.
During the call on Monday, the appointment to see the house hadn’t been scheduled yet, and she was pressuring me to make an offer on it and see it later so I didn’t “lose it”. I told her no in no uncertain terms, and to schedule to see it asap. This particular house had potential but was in an area I don’t want to live. She decided to tell me that 1) I will never find a house in my preferred location, 2) I could spend more money but I won’t 3) this house would increase my daily commute by an hour but she has “the feeling” that my job isn’t going to last that long anyway and 4) I need to “get over” my insistence on having a house with a yard since “one day” I won’t be able to handle a yard (a garden is and always has been my No. 1 criteria for a house) and will be glad I don’t have the maintenance.
Outrageous behavior, right? All this is what made me cry and yes, I know I should have drawn a boundary but it was like I was having a flashback.
I just told her to schedule the appointment and ended the call.
We’ve been looking a long time and haven’t found the right house – I’ve made offers on a few that haven’t been accepted, and had two accepted – one had a defect revealed and the other I withdrew my offer because she pushed me over my budget and I had the sense to get out. I am pretty sure she WAS manipulating me – exploiting my fears and vulnerabilities (I have told her that the process is wearing me out) to shame me into buying something I don’t want.
It seems kind of classic – I didn’t do what she wanted me to do so she just discarded me. For sure the average person wouldn’t not respond because someone missed an appointment due to a tire problem.
I really should have ended the call when she started the attack because the things she said were pretty mean and not her business at all. It’s like everything goes along fine and then whoops! the wheels come off in a major, drama filled way.
HM,
For some reason when you said you were working with a realstate agent I took it literally…like you were working with one! haha, sorry about that. Two things you said really stood out to me:
“she was pressuring me”
“I know I should have drawn a boundary but it was like I was having a flashback”
HUGE RED FLAGS!
Do not trust this person (I know you don’t).
This is your future you’re talking about. No one should bully you into that, no matter if for a profit.
Funny thing, I realize only now, after my spaths…I wouldn’t have recognized a person like this. Possibly you wouldn’t have either. So amazing what we realize once our eyes are opened.
You go girl! I’m proud of you for recognizing you were being manipulated. So sad people like this are out there…
You are not drama. Your agent on the other hand….
You will find someone else with your best interest in mind. I trust you are looking elsewhere?
HM,
My sapth #2 brought out huge flashbacks to me but could blame it on #1 .I’ll never forget that feeling. It happened several times.I think anyone who makes us flashback is a big red flag. At least you felt/saw it. I believe those signs in all areas of our lives will forever save us…
Spaths bring everyone and everything that should not be part of a relationship. In normal relationships I was constantly thinking about and concerning myself with and he was constantly talking about, his ex, my ex, and others that had nothing to do with our ‘relationship’ had it been a real relationship. It’s another way the spath manipulates us into playing crazy games and to focus on them and things that have to do with them. This tactic prevents the victim from having her own life – interests, friends, spiritual practices, hobbies, service activities, furthering her education, rest/relaxation, etc.
In normal relationships the ex’s are in the past and they don’t come up in conversation and we don’t concern ourselves with them.
This Too,
I can only imagine the horror and injustice and frustration to have one’s life controlled by stalkers. I can only imagine having to make life changes like moving that I would not otherwise choose to do, because of a stalker. I can’t imagine myself being able to cope; your strength is an inspiration.
It is possible that your posts here are being read, along with other personal correspondence you’re writing from your computer over the internet; and if the stalker knows that he is affecting you it’s a big payoff to him.
It is so sad and unjust that you’d have to do without electronic communication and live somewhere else, but it seems like that may be the way to get your power back over your life.
Prayers for another solution to come to light. Maybe you can use public computers, like the library or coffee houses for everything, beginning with opening a new email. But if, for example, the spath knows you come here, he can come here and track you this way.
H Moon,
Sad to be let down by the Realtor, but good to know what she can be like and time to cut her out. I hope you can get out from any obligation you have to her; I know it’s sometimes difficult to do so the way realtors set up their professional relationships.
No doubt at all that her behavior is rude and unprofessional – she’s not an acceptable person to be a friend nor to do business with; although you may choose to continue to work with her if she’s good in other ways, and with your expectation that she is a rude person.
H Moon,
Sounds typical of many realtors in the business sadly, but there are some professional good ones too. Some people might choose to keep on working with her and put up with her disagreeable pressure and BS, and just say no to her pressure. Other people would choose to fire her and find another realtor. Both options are a bit of trouble. There can be other factors, too, like who knows whom in the local business scene, etc.
Annette, we had no contract so there is no obligation on either side. She WAS good in other ways, and that is why I had chosen to continue to work with her even though she had made some mild comments before.
I am sure part of it may be her frustration that I wasn’t quick money for her, but that does not excuse her unprofessional way of speaking to me. I am sure I am not the first client she has encountered who is a cautious buyer and wants to find a home they will be happy with for years to come. I have in fact loosened my requirements quite a bit during the process as a result of her input but I do still have my non negotiables and I am not going to apologize for that.
The reality is, she terminated the relationship when she didn’t respond to me when I let her know about the tire problem and then she immediately cut off the automatic mls updates she had set up for me. That sent the message loud and clear.
Just like normal people don’t end relationships unilaterally without warning or explanation, normal professionals don’t terminate business relationships in the manner she did due to a cancelled appointment without even the courtesy of an email saying she didn’t think things were working out and that I should find a new agent to work with.
I am going to take a break for a week or two and then find a new agent to work with.
Thistoo, you are so right, before my ex I wouldn’t have recognized a person like this either and it IS amazing what realize once our eyes are open.
I am much better than I was pre-ex, but I can see I’m still using training wheels when it comes to setting boundaries. If I wasn’t, I would have nipped that phone conversation in the bud and not have allowed her to beat me up and push all my buttons and get me into a position where I was defending and justifying myself and my needs to her.
I get it afterwards, but I’m not skillful enough to get it in time to protect myself. I guess I was crying because I felt blindsided and attacked by her when I set the parameters for my home search when I started doing business with her.
I like what your therapist said about others knowing about your past situation and how that could have come into play with the woman at your work. I reconnected with an old friend last spring and told her everything and you guessed it, she used it to manipulate me and hurt me. When I had enough and ended that relationship last summer, she took a last shot at me to try to hurt me as much as possible on her way out the door.
I had recently shared with the realtor that I was getting worn out with the process and was afraid that I’d never find the right home and she assured me that she was in it with me for the long haul and the right home just hadn’t presented itself yet. I guess I was giving her ammo to use against me.
I don’t want to be paranoid and closed off with everyone! Since I was discarded, I have made a new friend or two who are truly good people. They know my past and have not exploited it. They are positive, upbeat, happy people with no agenda. We don’t always agree, but they are supportive and kind and non judgmental and want the best for everyone. There is not a whiff of drama in their lives. In fact, they walk quietly away from the slightest hint of drama.
So I don’t attract ALL nut cases, but for sure, more than my fair share. This thing with the agent seems like a mini-replay of the relationship with my ex – everything was fine and dandy as long as I was doing what she wanted, but when she put the pressure on and I didn’t do what she wanted (buy something that wasn’t right for me), she came after me and then”discarded me.
I’m proud that I recognized I was being manipulated, but I wish I wouldn’t have allowed her to beat me up. I didn’t see it coming. I gotta work on that.
Man, I’m just trying to buy a house! I didn’t need a reenactment of my relationship with my ex!!
To a spath, whether we’re ‘nice’ or ‘mean’ to him, he doesn’t care. As long as we’re engaging, he wins. Mine preferred me to be ‘mean’ because he was successful at bringing me down to his level.
When we don’t interact, the spath doesn’t care – he just moves on to a new victim. Their motivation and behavior is infuriating and impossible to have a mutually beneficial relationship with them.
So when we commit to no contact with them, it is something we are doing for ourselves. Nothing we can do really affects the spath; they view everyone as objects and their victims as their toys, is the closest way to describe it. I’m glad I don’t really understand. It is evil.
Annette
I have to agree with you on this. With mine it’s all or nothing, on his terms only
During our time together it got to the point where he asked if we could be in contact every other day instead of each day…when at first when we met he would send over 25 a day. Eventually he always made a big deal out of staying in touch when we weren’t together physically. It’s normal to have daily contact, especially when you believe you are a normal couple!
If I contacted him at any time, at perhaps at an email address I knew he’d respond quicker to, he would get pretty upset for bothering him, it seemed, and tell me that’s strictly his business email and not to be used socially.
But when he felt he wanted to email me, it was different, he would try to reach me any way he could.
When he’d married at first we had very little contact. That’s because he wasn’t answering my messages. But when I decided enough is enough with his mind f**king, sociopathic ways and I stopped contact, he contacted me out of the blue on HIS terms and asked why I hadn’t been in touch over a period 4 months, which had been my NC period
Wtf kind of question is this idiot asking me?! and until I responded to his non stop messages it was only when HE wanted to contact me , otherwise, he was too busy to respond to anything i would write so I just stopped altogether. After his first contact since he is married he would Hoover each cpl months saying “I haven’t heard from you, do you think my email acct is broken babe?”
Basically I’m just stating how contact is or was his terms only and I only mattered when he wanted something or felt the need to talk to me. He always claimed he felt forced to do it each day…
Jane
Wow your post described my relationship to the tee.
All on his terms. Always.
Anytime it wasn’t I was being a bitch or he wouldn’t even respond. Ignore the email and thensome. Whenever I confronted him why things where like that and it trhere was anything I could do to make communication better he just said this is how all relationship works and I need to stop being crazy.
It hurt. In the end I see how controlling it was. How neglectful it was and really emotionally abusive. I’m proud of you for going nc.
You deserve better. Thank you in sharing your post it just reaffirms that it’s not normal and no women deserves that. Also that I’m not crazy. I’m sorry you had to suffer through that treatment. It’s hard.
I hope you’re having s good day today.
Blue light
Yes this was all part of the craziness I endured.
Only when he was available would he write me. Mine would go unanswered the whole
Entire day or even Til the next day when he “remembered”
Sometimes I swear he was two personalities. One that was nice and one that wasn’t.
His nice side was the normal person. His not so nice side was when he felt the desire to be nice for maybe 5 mins in the day.
Contact was very important because we lived in two different countries, so how else do we correspond. At first he agreed with me and eventually according to him, it was too much, eapecially with the list of things he had to do in a day.
-he didn’t have a job but managed to spend the entire day on a computer looking for one, BUT couldn’t contact me while on the computer?
He was just weird altogether. He had a daily list of things to do because he couldn’t get anything done without it..I mean stupid things too.
At times I’m so happy I didn’t go more than three years with this disturbed man because other than bejng sociopathic, he was just a “hobbit
Or recluse” I used to say.
How about yourself? Have you begun the NC? How are things for you?
Thanks for asking, I’m doing ok today 🙂 I hope your day is going well