UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Not what- you give really good advice too..you are very to the point..I hope I can get to that point where he is not WINNING everything!
You win when you quit playing the game with him, when you quit dancing the dance with him. You win when you are off doing other things with your life that are real, that have meaning, that involve interactions with people who appreciate you and care about you.
Well said Ann
You win when you are able learn from the wrongs he did to you. The best revenge on a sociopath is for you to live your life well and to enjoy your child and appreciate the people you know love you. I could go on about the things the sociopath did to me (oh could I ever) but I realized that it was like reliving over and over again. When I would go out that’s all I talked about. Then I realized by still speaking of the sociopath – that the sociopath was still in control of me. That even tho the sociopath was not physically with me, mentally they were still there. You have to take your power back.
I had to take a technology break at one point because I wanted to look and see the social media like Facebook and Twitter. So I didn’t get online for about 5 days. That’s a long time for me! But it helped .
I have come a long way from those days. It wasn’t easy. But I have a lot of great friends and family that are supportive and love me. And my loving husband who understands what I have been through.
Hon, he’s not winning. He’s losing.
He can’t win ANYTHING.
He’s a LOSER!
He will only EVER be a loser.
He’s only EVER been a loser.
You don’t want a loser.
He’s a
L
O
S
E
R.
I sometimes feel guilty and I feel sorry for him. Ive felt as though I punishing him for a disorder he has no control over – he was born a sociopath and doesn’t realise any difference…has anyone else done this?
Example; after my investigation and discovery that my instincts were spot on…I made a plan to escape. There was a time line involved as I’m no spring chicken and at the time didn’t have my self worth back so assumed no one would want a bankrupt 50 year old (I don’t think that anymore) so armed with my plan, I set about getting out of debt enough to handle life on my own but stopped having sex with him (our sex life is a whole other story which seriously lacked intimacy, made me feel ugly and undesirable and that sex with me was a chore for him)
This was working fine until he crossed the line and was stood down pending the ongoing investigation. My husband didn’t notice the lack of sex in our life up to that point, then he switched identities from confident arrogant sexual predator to devoted husband and father so he could convince his colleagues that he wasn’t the person he was accused of being….After a heated exchange one day where I pointed out that this new fake identity wasn’t going to work if he’d driven us all away, he started to ask for sex but I’m not going there! I didn’t make excuses- just said no (I’ve worked out that I’ll be the only one hurt by trying to explain ANYTHING) then I started feeling sorry for him or guilty for my actions. What is that shit?
That shit, my dear, is HORSESHIT!
True dat 🙂
~~hugs~~
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
I wish it was horseshit (if this is just not a different terminology because of different locations?) Horseshit in Australia means I’m bullshitting…
I think I get you meaning though.
My girlfriend had the same response when I repeated the story to her – oh poor spath so I’m not alone in the compassion stakes – sadly 😉
Yes, I meant it is BS for u to feel that way. It is a sick way we get to thinking becuz we’re caught up in the crazymaking of the spath or other disordered personality. And in trying to make sense of it post-trauma. It’s part of PTSD. As you heal, you won’t feel responsible for any of it nor feel sad for the parasitic subhuman that is the spath.
Poor spath, my ass…ur gf is ignorant, bless her heart.
Oh thanks that is what I was thinking ♥
Women are often naturally giving, nurturing, forgiving, and give others the benefit of the doubt; especially women who are targeted by P’s because they can so easily exploit these wonderful traits. We tend to look for the good in everyone and make excuses for others, which is what the P’s want us to do. My ex P often used the excuse that he couldn’t do any differently due to some vague handicap or something.
I sometimes felt like I should have compassion for the ex P, but I overall discerned that he made a lot of evil choices over the course of his life that created his character. Our actions and especially our moral choices affect how our physical brain is structured and how it functions. Consider how it’s easier to tell a lie the second time, even when one is really torn the first time. If one tells the truth when it’s difficult to do, it becomes easier to tell the truth even when it’s not convenient and harder to lie.
I concluded that I can’t know for sure if my ex P deserves compassion or blame, how much of his evil is his choices, how much is due to some brain defect. So I turn it over to my Higher Power to heal and re educate him or to punish him appropriately. I try to feel as neutral and as little as possible for him and about him.
AnnettePK
I’ve been able to do that several times and my strength is growing now to be able to live without any emotional involvement most of the time…
The last time I shut him out completely and treated my situation as share accommodation, it only took 2 weeks for his karma to surface – thanks for your wisdom, it reminds me to stay out of his energy and allow the consequences of his sctions to come back to him ss karma x
Another thing, he used to do when he would be caught in a lie..is say he is turning to his Pastor for help. He actually brought me to meet his familys Pastor the last time he was caught in a big lie over rent..he said he wanted me to meet the pastor because he was a close family friend..and wanted this Pastor to marry us.
At the end of the service we went up to the front alter, and my ex introduced me and asked the pastor to pray for strength in our relationship. I fell for all this. I just cant believe I am alone..i am 36 years old, and the man I love with all my heart is with someone else just like that. And I am alone. He doesn’t care he shut off the tv, the internet is in his name that soon will be too. Its just so terrible..the pain, confusion, hurt I feel.
I asked him the other day, why wouldn’t he just come home and talk about things. He said “if you had not exposed me and trashed me I would have”. Exposed him and trashed him. He cheated with COWORKERS. he is not seeing any wrong he did.
It’s over the top insane horror. You think you’ll wake up and it’ll all be a nightmare.
My ex kept involving the ministry, too, trying to get them on his side against me, to get me under his control. He succeeded to some extent, I lost some friends at Church, and he seriously disrupted my friendship with some.
My ex P is a pathological liar; it sounds like your ex spath is also a pathological liar. And an accuser. If you cut him off and go no contact, remember that if he does come to his senses and become a normal loving honest man (he won’t), you can always go back to interacting with him. There’s really nothing to lose by not reading his texts, hearing his messages, etc.
I think you and he are not married, is that right? I don’t think you have children together. If you are, it might be good to talk to a good lawyer. Even if you’re not, if your lives are entwined financially and logistically, you still might talk to an attorney.
If he has any passwords, access to bank accounts, credit cards, secure those immediately. If he has keys to your house or car or work or anything, get the locks changed. Change the passwords to any social media or voice mail he has access to. Close accounts, whatever you need to do. If he is on the list of people who can pick up your children at school, get him off it. You can probably think of other things. He isn’t being nice to you, and he could harm you in any way he can get to you. He will exploit you for whatever he can get if he thinks he won’t get away with it and if it suits his purpose.
It’s very difficult changing from trusting someone to recognizing that they don’t care about your well being, but best to keep yourself safe and protect yourself as much as you can.
Tara……You wrote…”I asked him the other day, why wouldn’t he just come home and talk about things. He said “if you had not exposed me and trashed me I would have”. Exposed him and trashed him. He cheated with COWORKERS. he is not seeing any wrong he did.”……. He totally used that as another way to make you feel like everything is your fault and it totally takes focus off of what he did in the first place and if you ever try to put the focus back on what he did, he will just twist it right back to blaming you for something….He may know that what he does is wrong, but he does not care because he is disordered. He does not have feelings like you and I do. If you leave your house and forget to feed your pet, you would probably feel guilt and turn around and go back because you cared for it, a spath does not have those kinds of feelings…They can pretend to but only by mirroring how they have seen normal people like you and I act. He might go back and do it because he knows he is “supposed” to, but he will not feel the guilt or care the way we do. They are like actors. He likes being in control, he likes that you are so upset and practically begging him. It makes him feel like a god. That is what they do. He does not care what he did to you, or that he left you with nothing..he just doesn’t care. He is a sociopath and he has no conscience. My ex spath used to do to me what yours is doing to you…he would say, “I was going to come back to you, but I can’t get past the fact that you talked to my mother” He made it all my fault and made me think if only I hadn’t talked to his mother he would have come back…they work you in circles and the blame always comes back on you no matter what it was that they did in the first place to cause your reaction. He never had any intention of coming back no matter what, he just had fun making me feel like it was my fault and then liked to hear me apologize and beg him to stay. Then they make you second guess what you did… Mine used to cheat on me and do horrible things but he would somehow twist it so badly that I would end up apologizing to him. Crazy right?? You cannot win with somebody who has no conscience… The best thing you can do is go no contact. Stop looking, stop communicating and try your best to stop obsessing. It is the only way to get through this. You know the reasons why and how he has done this…because he is a sociopath. You will not get answers. You have to create your own closure with a sociopath by going no contact. They will usually leave the door open just a little bit to keep you hanging on by a thread because they enjoy toying with you. If you go no contact, he may bother you more, or he may stay quiet..but either way it does not matter. You need to worry about YOU and your well being. Who cares at this point what he does or who he is with..it doesn’t matter! You are not going to heal and overcome this if you continue communicating with him. Even if he does know that what he did was wrong…he DOES NOT CARE. I’m sorry that you are going through this…but once you force yourself to go no contact, one day it will all click and you will see him for who he really is and you will wonder why in the world you wasted so much time dwelling on someone like that when there are so many other better things you could have been doing with your time.
And one more thing….even if he did ever “come back”…he would fool you for awhile into thinking that he “realized” and that he had “changed” …but it would just be another trick…he would let you feel secure for a little while and would then turn around and do the same thing to you if not worse…just like that. and not care. Because that is what they do.
Oh, yes, my ex P said “I’ve changed” and came back a zillion times, each time more horrible than the last. He discovered it hurt me when he left so he pretty much did nothing but leave and come back for a couple of years – it took me forever to figure it out.
I went back with my ex after finding out what a monster he was. I actually believed that he “realized his mistakes”!
The pain of leaving after my return was actually MORE painful than the first discard. I look at Taralav and know that as much as she hurts, if she gets him to come back, her pain on the next discard will be multiplied. Be careful what you wish for when the other is a sociopath!
Yes, exactly AnnettePK and notwhat! After mine did it to me so many times, I started to think he was bipolar or something so I started researching personality disorders…between all my online research, counseling, books, and finding lovefraud I finally figured out exactly what he was. He would tell me we were going to have a destination wedding and tell me how much he loved me and then the next day he would tell me to leave and never to contact him again. That he had an epiphany and no longer wanted to be with me. He would say that it was not up for discussion and that he had the right to change his mind and did not have to give me a reason. He always made sure though to throw a few things in to place the blame on me. I remember driving home that day from his house (well, his parents house where he lived) in shock…like what had just happened…what could I have possibly done? He did things like that many different times and I kept letting him get away with it bc I thought I could help him, fix him, make him realize, make him better, get things back to the way they were in the beginning when they seemed too good to be true, start over fresh, etc… it was all just a waste of my time and tears and years that I could have been doing other things like going to the beach or spending time with friends…I wish I would have realized it sooner and not have wasted so much time being addicted to a love that never really existed. It was all real to me but none of it was real to him. I was just a little puppet for him to play with. You cannot fix a sociopath and they cannot change. You cannot believe a word they say. Taralav, if he never comes back again you might not realize it now, but you are extremely lucky because if he did come back it would be just to further emotionally abuse you. Who would want somebody like that? You would constantly live on edge and always feel like if you did not constantly monitor his every move he would do something awful to hurt you. And let me tell you, even with constant monitoring they still manage to do it because they just DON’T CARE. Don’t play his game anymore. I can’t stress enough how important “no contact” is. We have all lived this and are all in the different stages of healing and some recovered, so please take the advice you receive on here it is the pathway to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now you are stuck in the dark and foggy tunnel. You will get to the light eventually. No contact 🙂
Taralev
These people are so right. He does not care what he did to you, in his eyes it’s all your fault and it was justified. Believe me that the only option you have at this time and probably for ever is the no contact. He will notice that he is losing control when you cut of all contact. You have no minor children together so let him go and let him live his miserable life. If he comes back to you and discards you again , your pain will be multiplied by 100. Don’t do it. You cannot make him love or miss you. You can’t.
My ex said that he does not love me anymore when he left. When I cried he said “why are you crying, what’s wrong with you, you just don’t get it.” After 20 years, no I did not get it. But they don’t see it this way. They are selfish , evil losers , cowards.
Try one day at a time. That’s what I did. I occupied myself with work , talking to my friends, being there for my son and pets, going for a walk , spending time on the beach. It does not have to cost anything. And I was praying a lot. One time God told me “I had to take him out of your life so you can have peace. I put this little “Delilah” in front of him knowing he could not resist “. She saved my life. She now is at the receiving end of his lies and abuse and deception. I would not want to trade places.
Everytime I receive a pharmacy statement showing he purchases Viagra (don’t know why he can’t change the address) I smile and think “glad I got rid of this pathetic loser “.
Taralev. I am telling you the truth. No contact is your only option
Kaya is right!
NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY OPTION! Nothing a sociopath says is true or real. They lie with no rhyme or reason. Sometimes they lie just to hurt you. No one knows why they do this. No therapist can find an cure because the sociopath will never be honest enough to get help from anyone. Honestly with a sociopath it’s like your dealing with a sub-species of human. They look like us but they are nothing like us. There is nothing you can say to a sociopath to make them feel bad for you. Crying tears seems to enrage the sociopath. It’s like if they see you crying, they see weakness and they kick you even harder while you are down.
It’s always a very hard situation when dealing with a sociopath. It’s hard for the person who is the victim, and it’s hard to watch as someone looking at what a sociopath is doing to a victim. Because it’s so hard to tell someone what is best for them, when it just hasn’t sank in yet to the victim that the person they love is incapable of loving them or anyone else. It’s hard for a normal person with a conscience to understand that some people do not have any compassion for others. Especially when there was a short little time in the beginning when things were once so “good”. That’s what a sociopath does…. He shows you how could it can be then he takes it away! And it’s like he hangs the proverbial carrot in front of you.
Sociopaths are sick people – mentally. Their thoughts are sick. Their actions are sick. They are not living in the same reality as us. Everything they portray is false – fake – ITS NOT REAL. They will write on their social media pages how WONDERFUL their new life is and post their pictures with their next victim. But I promise nothing is wonderful. It’s all the same old crap. They are playing the same old game they have been playing their entire life.
Sociosugar- I really liked reading this post because I relate to it so much. There was so much time things were good..then slowly..the lies started. Not even lies that made sense. Like he told me he had started a new job at one company- and really he was working somewhere else.
I lived with him!! And he was lying about where he worked? It doesn’t make sense. He would like about what he had for lunch..just weird things. In conversation with his ex babys mother- when she first got pregnant she obviously wanted to meet his family. He told her his MOTHER WAS DEAD.
Until she MET HIS MOM. It just is bizarre. I see the issues- the pain of the discard still is strong
Tara I definitely think you’re understanding and seeing what is the reality of the situation. And I guess the reality would be that there is no understanding the sociopath. And why they do what they do. So it’s usually just best to keep it simple and realize that you’re dealing with the monster, rather they were born that way and cannot help it there still a monster. The point is they do know right from wrong. They have a sickness and unfortunately that sickness usually hurts everyone else but them.
I stopped trying to figure out why the sociopath was a pathological liar. Because a lot of the lies made no sense, they gained no benefit for themselves, and it didn’t really matter. It was things that were said were so stupid what was the point in even wasting time to tell it. But my sociopath wasted a lot of my time.
Sociopaths lying about parents is all about gaining your some sympathy and looking like a poor poor victim of their own circumstances. Sociopaths lie even when the truth would lead to a better outcome. They go out of their way to lie. It really is crazy.
I guess that is why they call it the mask of sanity, because they wear a mask that makes them look like they’re actually sane. But when you take the mask off underneath all that is a screwed up, lunatic, whacko, nut job
I agree! Lunatic wacko nut job pretty much sums it up beautifully…
Taralev
Do You See This:
I want to meet your mom.
My mom is dead.
This is an onfire RED FLAG. PSYCHO here.
There is NO way to back out of this and be a normal person. It was simply a matter of time b4 he let lose his spathiness on you, full blast, so you could not deny it any longer.
I realize this happened to his 1st wife, but when she told you this, you should have taken off.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL PERSON BEHAVIOR. This is psychotic.
You had to tangle up your mental processes to incorporate this into your psyche.
You need to untangle yourself now. From him, from his actions, his words. You Can Not *DO* This WITHOUT having no further contact with him!
You are nailing ur own coffin here hon.
Stop.
Aint I know..i am hearing you and I am trying trying..I wont stop trying that is why I write to you al first thing when I get to work. I love your posts too..yes.it is crazy. Just like last year..we were going to visit my family for vacation in Florida.
Well- turns out he got fired from his job 2 days before vacation. Never told me. He said he did not want to ruin the trip. He acted carefree and never did I suspect anything wrong. How could you LOSE A JOB..and act like things were fine for a week vacation. Ugh. Aint- I wish you could slap some sense into me
LOL, they have a corner on this market.
My natural father (whom I never knew, or missed) explained to Mom in DETAIL how his father had passed away … clinging to his hand, begging him to take care of his mother.
Then, she said, one day there came a knock at the door. The “corpse” had come for a visit. Oops!
I asked her, What did he say to explain this?! She said, What could he say? — there was his father in the living room, and he was supposed to be dead. Now I understand (and so do all of you): she just added it to the List, right? the one with the woman who’d called to warn her, the driver’s license with a different year than the one he said he’d been born, and eventually the OW who was PG along with her before I was born.
At the time, it must have seemed as though “the OW won” because he left — but actually, that poor woman ended up with the List! which finally included entries like Tax Fraud and, of course, a second Divorce.
Someplace out there I have a number of younger half-siblings … but I figure they also consider him essentially MIA, sort of a non-entity, and oddly I’ve never felt the need to connect with them nor (apparently) do they with me. Anybody who needs sympathy for a dead father who’s still breathing is not really “in there” but more like a humanoid in a good-looking skin suit.
Thank you all I don’t know what I would do without this site and every one of you. I am praying and going to really try one day at a time. To go NC. Its like a addiction but he truly is a loser and mean inside. Even if I had met someone else I would never do something like this to him. I have feelings and compassion.
Taralev
My ex’s lies became so bizarre but for some strange reason I believed them. Looking back now I still don’t understand how. Like I said he would tell me he went to his cop shift and act like he was so tired coming home in the morning. In reality he was tired because he was having sex with her all night. They can look at you and come up with the craziest lies. And then when I exposed him all hell broke lose. He wanted to portray me as a mentally ill person. How could someone do this to you, when they claim they love you. I don’t think much about it anymore because it will never make sense.
I am over it now. I showed him that I am strong and that I am worth so much more. And that is why I filed for divorce. I know he wanted so badly to serve me with divorce papers. But he went on a cruise instead and that gave me a week advantage and my lawyer filed the petition. That fact alone empowered me. Even though I was discarded I put an end to all of this. Because it was enough. I chose the most aggressive male attorney. Because divorcibg a sociopath is like going into “the battle of your life”. You must have the most powerful weapons going into it. I had that in form of my awesome lawyer. To this day I owe him. It cost me 14000$ but I escaped hell. And that’s priceless.
Kaya- when he was fired from his job, he had called me excited and said he got a job as a manager for Hertz. So, on his first day I messaged him..asked him how it was going. He sent a picture to me of him..with a HERTZ logo sign in the background smiling.
He never got the job at Hertz. He literally went and found a hertz sign and posed in front if it.
SICK?!!!Whyyy ..why would someone do that. The things I dealt with are just insane. The young girl he now is with..he told me no he thought she was ugly they were just friends from work. They are together. and I am just here trying to glue myself together. 🙁
taralav
We all have these stories….same M.O!
Mine got busted on AdultFriendFinder.com (loads of shit went down that day but for the purpose of this response….)
This site appears to be the perfect playground for lying cheating sociopaths!
He convinced me, at the time, that he’d been set up and they had fraudulently used his credit card to make a profile. He even got dressed in a suit and said he was going to court for it as part of a class action against AdultFriendFinder.com… I rang the courthouse he told me he was going to and asked what cases were being heard but nothing about it came up – I made all sorts of excuses for him, anything that would make him right and me wrong so I could save my marriage.
This was the pattern for 14 years until I realised I was in a crazy relationship that drove me crazy, so I investigated him and discovered the truth…
I could right a book about the lies…
ironic…yep…mine used to play around on adultfriendfinder too… when i found out about it he finally admitted it and i was so disgusted that the picture he had of himself on there was just a close up of his abs. ugh. Then I was constantly checking sites looking for him..I found one on match.com also..and his headline was “just looking for fun”…He had some ridiculous lie to try to talk his way out of that one. I don’t know how I ever just let him get away with all of that. I would just brush off the lies, justify it to myself somehow, let it go and continue on and just hope that I would win his love and that he would decide and realize that I was the one he wanted out of all the others. It turned into a competition for me to try to win him away from all the others. Even though I knew there were others, I still thought that ultimately I was going to be “the one.” If there is anything that I am mad about to this day it is the fact that I was so easily brainwashed and let that horrible man treat me like garbage. It was like I was in some kind of trance that I couldn’t snap out of. When I finally got away from him and came to my senses my friends and family told me that I was like a zombie.
Mendingthebrokenpieces
I look back on all the episodes during the past 14 years with total clarity now and wonder how I’d given him so much power over me? But then there’s so much I’m truly grateful for; emotionally I’m bullet proof now, if my instincts scream get out of a relationship I’m hauling ass faster than a lighting strike! I no longer need proof of anything = my instincts have been proven right the whole time and I trust that more than anyone’s words from the moment I was liberated from the confusion by the evidence I saw.
Brightest of blessings to you ♥
Taralev
Wow. He found a Hertz sign and posted in front of it, how crazy is that. My ex claimed he went fishing sometimes (we live by the ocean) and strangely Everytime my son wanted to go the plans were cancelled. When he ended up going fishing, his shirt smelled like perfume. When I mentioned it, he said “that’s the smell of the beach and ocean”. Ha. Lies after lies.
When I was discarded and he left his phone was still in my name. The first thing he did was call her and they talked for 183 minutes. But he “had to leave because I was mentally ill”. And I still begged him to come home. It will take you a while to clear that fog. It took me 3 months and then once I realized everything there was a big relief. It is like a death and once you accept it things will get a little easier. I had to deal with a messy divorce. You are not married, so that’s good. To seperate a life of 20 years is exhausting. In court I never looked at him. I did not want to see his ugly face. Him and his attorney tried little games. They threatened to have me fired at my job, silly things. But I had my attorney to handle that and “fire back “. Looking back now none of his B/S worked. Most of the judges know the lies and blaming. They can see the truth. I had lot of faith in the court system. I know it’s not always like that but in my case it worked very well and to my advantage. For once he was not able to use his so called “cop status “. He was just the liar he always was.
The young co worker can now make his lunch and be at the receiving end if his crap. I hope it won’t take her 20 years to see the truth.
kaya48…I really admire you. You made a good point when you said separating a 20 year life is exhausting. This is why most people just don’t do it. They remain married even if they are miserable…even if they are married to a spath who cheats and cheats…loses jobs…drinks…is critical…on and on. They can’t see how to extricate themselves even if they tried. They have invested way too much time…over 20 years of their life and they feel stuck. You were so VERY brave to just say enough is enough and get rid of him. Well, I realize he discarded you, but even still, I LOVE how you went totally no contact. He got what he deserved. He deserves for you to never look at him again!!!! You go girl!! 🙂 🙂
I hope my cop gets 20 years!
Lol karma is a bitch when you’re an asshole! Stupid spath crossed the line with one huge jump and will now pay the price for his arrogance…one easy way out of this nightmare in my book!
Oh and no more victims which is the bonus for society.
Yep… × ×§×‘×ª סוציופת ×”×™× ×¢×œ הלוח ×”×–×” שכבר ×ורב לי. ×”×¡×™×¤×•×¨×™× ×©×”×™× ×ž×¡×¤×¨×ª ×œ×”× ×›×ילו ×”×™× ×× ×™. ×× ×™ ×ž× ×™×— ×©×ž× ×¡×” להבין ×יך ×× ×™ יכול להתמודד ×¢× ×”×ž×¦×‘. מ××– ×©×”×™× ×”×™× ×¤×¡×™×›×•×¤×˜ ×œ×œ× ×¨×’×©×•×ª ×× ×•×©×™×™× ×מיתיי×, ×©×”×™× ×¨×•×¦×” לה×כיל בחזרה מ××—×¨×™× ×›×“×™ ×©×”×™× ×ª×•×›×œ לחזות ×יך תגיב למה ×©×”×™× ×™×›×•×œ×” לעשות לצדי. ×× ×™ ×מרתי ×ת ×–×” לדון ×מרה הכתובת ××™× ×” הכתובת של המטורף ×ורבת לי. פסיכופט ×©×™× ×” כתובות רבות ולכן ×”×™× ×™×›×•×œ×” להשמיץ ×ותי ב××™× ×˜×¨× ×˜
Taralav and Kaya48,
How sick is it that they will go to such lengths with their pointless lies. The HERTZ sign story reminds me of all the times my husband sent me pictures of his hotel room to prove he was alone. It never made sense because I knew that if he was with someone, they could just step to the bathroom to get out of the picture. But one day I came across a bunch of hotel room pictures on his phone, he had taken them off the internet to be able to send them to me when he was really somewhere else.
And one day he sent me a picture of a cloud that looked like a cross. He said he was just driving along and he saw it. I thought it was cool and posted it on my Twitter. He freaked! He said it was his property and it was a personal moment. Ugh, no….it was a picture he’d gotten from his girlfriend and was afraid she would see it on my account. Just a stupid lie for attention.
They never stop. Lie after lie after lie. You just can’t believe a word they say!
Ugh..mine did the same thing with pictures…he would send me pictures of him in the gym…pictures of the gym..pictures of him at the house in the mirror… he just had those pictures in his phone. But if I asked him to take a picture of something specific..I was crazy because he had already sent me a pic and that would just have to be good enough and I would just have to trust him blah blah blahhh… after I ended up finding out and talking to the other girl he had been with (who he had met on an adult porn site) I found out that he had also sent all the same exact pictures to her. He once told me that I could trust him so much that he would be willing to be on a gps finder so I could always see where he was…Well, he managed to rig it up w/ certain addresses or he would shut it off but try to tell me that it was on and there just must have been a problem with it. I look back now and say, why did I put myself through all of that nonsense?? If it is that much work to be with somebody it is not right. I was so manipulated and obsessed. He would not answer his phone, his excuses consisted of it never rang, it was overheated, he must have accidentally put it in airplane mode, etc. etc… Being with somebody like that is nothing but a life of anxiety and stress and heartbreak. I remember pacing back and forth in my kitchen..just pacing waiting for him to show up when he was supposed to…I used to get physically sick from the stress…but yet I still put up with it until I eventually realized what I was dealing with and that he wasn’t going to change. For the longest time…I didn’t trust anybody and a lot of times I still don’t..if somebody was supposed to go somewhere with me I wouldn’t actually believe them until they were in my car. I am finally getting a little better from some of those after effects that have still been lingering. But….I still question people on everything like, “if you were at your mom’s house, why did you turn into the driveway from the other direction?”…or if I am at my bf’s house..I will say, “where did that plate come from..I’ve never seen it?” or..ask his son…oh were you drinking dr pepper the other day?..or..I even looked in the trash a few times…..I am not sure that will ever go away. I guess that happens to a person after they have been lied to for years about the most ridiculous things.
I’m the same way. Somehow, I can’t remember how this name came up, but at some time he had a thing with a girl named Catherine. Now, every time I meet a Catherine or see Catherine on a name tag, I think…..is this her? I can’t even focus on the conversation because I am trying to see if she’s the one.
It’s so frustrating. And it’s not like Catherine was the only one. And who care who she is? I don’t at all, but my mind still goes through the process. Ugh he.
Her name was Deanna. I was the same way anytime I saw or heard the name Deanna. But like you said, she wasn’t the only one..there was also Brielle, Jen, Jenn, Katey, Brit, Jamie, etc etc etc lol.
Once he butt dialed me, most likely on purpose, and he was with a young prostitute named Courtnet. I ended up talking to the girl and showed a lot of anger towards her. But then, I felt so bad for her that I got her number and called her back and apologized. She was just a baby, 23 years old. I told her that it broke my heart that she was in the life she is in and how she is being used by filthy old men. She’s a heroine addict.
For a while, I texted her and told her I was praying for her. She always responded with a sweet reply of thanks and stated how she looked forward to getting out of the life.
My situation is tough,, but her’s is heartbreaking. I still pray for her…someone’s child, God’s daughter.
How awful. I wonder how many there really were that I don’t even know about!
How awful he was with prostitutes?!!!
I also wonder what else my ex P did that I don’t know about. I know about porn, child porn, pathological lies, sadism, abuse. For all I know he may have molested a child, killed someone, whatever. I don’t know that he did these things, but with pathological liars who desire to do evil and have no conscience, they could do anything if they think they won’t get caught. The concept of rules, morality, ethics, not harming others, is not there to deter them.
I too can’t watch the news anymore when the police are involved. I spend the whole segment wondering if he had sex with any of the women? I will never know how many, I can only assume it was way more than I will ever know about…
You’re not being able to concentrate when you meet a Catherine is a form of post traumatic stress syndrome – that’s what my doctor told me.
I pray that this reaction will end for all of us one day x
Thank you SER
I hope I can be an inspiration to some here, maybe Taralev 🙂 ? Yes indeed it is exhausting and also very expensive to seperate a 20 year marriage. At times I did not feel brave but knew I did not have any other option. I could have not done it without the financial help of my mother who lived in Europe. I don’t have any family here in the US except my 19 years old son. But I accomplished my task. With every court hearing I became stronger and more powerful. Going to court is not fun by any means but it gave me some strength I never knew I had. In away I enjoyed it when “the filth coming out of his mouth” was useless. The ex was powerless and defeated. No, he does not deserve to be looked at. His little whore can worship him now.
The no contact was very beneficial. He can beg and beg his son to speak with him now. We are done and he should accept that just like we had to accept that we were thrown away like garbage. I always believed in God to guide me through these tough times and he came through.
Thanks to all of you also.
Yes Ser- all of you are..I just need it to really sink in. I keep trying and trying. He messaged me today already and said ” there will be no talking about us working anything out until order is over” He just wants control of everything. It is sickening
He just wants a response, Tara. If you can’t find any other reason to resist him, do it just to spite him, I know you are having trouble and still hoping, but at least take his satisfaction away by not responding,
I read back over some of my post back in March and I was saying the same things you are now. I was fighting hard to hang on, against my instincts and against all advice. Everyone here told me the same things they are telling you….And they were 100% correct. They called it from the very beginning. These survivors are very wise!,,
Physical distance has helped me break the addiction to the love chemicals and you should start feeling less attachment soon. I think you are a couple of months behind me in the process. Also, the medication will kick in shortly. So I feel like you will be able to start turning the corner really soon.
I have to say, it’s so nice not to wake up crying. To go through the day without constant rumination of the events, without trying to understand Why.
I know now that Why really doesn’t matter. He is who he chooses to be. It’s not me- it’s him.
Disorder -Synonyms
confuse, derange, disarrange, disarray, discompose, dishevel, disjoint, dislocate, disorganize, disrupt, disturb, hash, jumble, mess (up), mix (up), muddle, muss, rumple, scramble, shuffle, tousle, tumble, upset
These people know right and wrong but they are disordered. (Not crazy but immoral). They live by disordered rules and seek to disorder those closest to them. Step back, and watch the storm. Don’t continue to stand in the storm. Soon, you will see that your normal life will be calm and moving forward while his is out of control.
You’re doing very well. Three steps forward, and even if you go back two steps, you are still making progress. Hang in there,
That sentence in itself sounds ridiculous… “there will be no talking about us working anything out until order is over”. ugh.
It’s a method of baiting.
Turned inside out, it reads: Maybe we can work things out. First X has to occur (I have to be in control and you have to feel like crap).
taralev, please know that it doesn’t matter whether you look like a Playboy centerfold, this person is setting you up for abuse. First the bait (children/home/security/love) then the hook. Maybe he’s not even aware of it himself, maybe it’s unconscious or subconscious, but you are or you wouldn’t be here.
The only question is how many times you’ll let yourself get hooked. The bait in this email is so obvious that I’m hoping you see it for what it is.
Let me put it this way: You WOULD see it, if the email had my address on it instead of yours. What would you say to me? — you’d say, ummm … you’re not gonna write back to that jerk, are ya? 🙂
Tara,
If you feel like responding, write it out and post it here, or just file it somewhere. I have 100’s of pages of unsent emails – it became my journal for awhile and it got it out of my system, it was a release. When I wrote out my anguished feelings, my unanswered questions, it was easier to let go of them. It freed my mind and heart a little.
Tara, Is he violating an order by contacting you? Would you be violating an order if you contact him? Very good reason to stay away from him.
Yeah, very ridiculous. 1. He thinks you will work something out. 2. If there’s an order not to contact you, he’s violating it to do nothing but say he can’t talk to you, but he’s talking to you. Classic Psychopath. Everything they do is nuts nonsense like that.
Get another order and this time DO NOT VIOLATE IT urself.
You can keep getting orders.
idk y u got it the first time. but im sure nothings changed.
taralev U HAVE AN ORDER OF PROTECTION against this scumbag.
think about that…like WHY?
u know why hon.
Aint- He got the order on ME. As soon as I caught him cheating..he freaked out and filed a order for “telephone miss use” saying I called him repeatly. Which yes- I did. BECAUSE HE WAS CHEATING. I did nothing drastic at all..my friends said I was too calm..that I should have beat the crap out of him, beat the crap out of HER, slashed tires. All I did was telephone miss use. When we went to court..i didn’t even fight it. Mendingthe pieces in here is a good friend and drove from states away to attend court with me. I agreed to the order…and since that day he contacted me…
since I responded..I was in violation of the order. He baited me..and ever since then has been using that threat against me that “he will violate me in a heartbeat”. It doesn’t matter he messaged me..the order was on me not him. Its just so sick..ive never been in trouble in my life..i have a good job..and he is trying to just destroy me. Hes told everyone I am crazy and so forth.
But was I the one screwing coworkers? I I had done that to him he would probably have killed me
He says you’re overreacting, your friends say you’re too calm, yes, everyone will give you a different opinion, and it’s worth considering the input of those you respect. The spath’s opinion is to manipulate and harm you, there’s no point in listening to him about anything.
He may try to kill you if it suits his purpose whether you cheat or not. There is never any sense in trying to think of their behaviors rationally – there is no sense in them except to get power and control over others, to exploit others, to torture others.
It is normal for you to feel like beating the crap out of him and her. That is the way any rational person would feel. But that wouldn’t be good for you and it wouldn’t help him or her learn anything. Humans have strong emotions and we have our minds to harness them and control them. Spaths take away our self control and we become puppets to them, they push our buttons. Consider that your ex spath knew very well how you would feel and what you would do, and he tried to set you up to go off and act in ways to justify his finger pointing at you, “she’s crazy!” Consider that he did not get the TRO to keep away from you, he did it to infuriate you so you’d feel bad and act in ways he can label as ‘crazy.’ If he wanted no contact with you, he’d stop having contact with you. It’s just part of his game, and you probably don’t want to play it. You probably want to relate to normal people in mutually beneficial ways based on honesty and integrity to enhance the well being of all and make the world a better place. He doesn’t fit into this paradigm. He opposes it.
Regardless of what he did, you have control and power over yourself, you don’t have to react the way he expects. You can stop responding, stop calling him, stop reading his messages to you. You can be law abiding and obey the TRO. Consider that you don’t willingly give him anything to accuse you of, consider not interacting for awhile at least.
When you are thinking clearer and out of his control, it is likely that you won’t want to go back with a cheater who isn’t repentant and doesn’t care how his behavior affects you.
With no contact, you will still feel terrible for awhile, but you won’t feel any worse once you get through the loss of the bonds, which is like an addiction.
Taralav,
Good for you for not responding!!!!!! You are strong to resist the urge so early on, and not responding will make you stronger and stronger. You are taking good care of yourself. Keep up the good work!
kaya48…are you European? I ask because you said you have no family here in the US.