UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Thistoo,
Wow, me too!
Our exs and their exs.
I just did what you said and read the lyrics and listened to the song. Woah.
I cried. Just a little. That song is serious! Fight for my life, I wanted it I want my life. Wow…..wow.
Tt,
The first one I downloaded someone sang the last verse other then her. I got it with just her now. Wow. Watch the video. Maybe that’s her as a little girl?
Remember,
I finally watched the video among my chaos tonight! Wow, wow! So powerful!!
No, what I saw, not like her as a child at all. Look at how she fought him, pulled him close, fought him more, fell asleep, he drew her in and she felt comfortable, she fought again. THEN she left his cage. only to return..he looked satisfied, then showed all of his faces. He tried to keep her and she left him in the cage all alone.
This is EXACTLY our experiences. She KNOWS.
Remember,
I’ve decided it’s best I go away from here. At least as Thistoo. I’ll try to give signs when I come back because I don’t feel safe sharing here anymore.
Thank you for all you’ve done for me. I love all on here but I’ve felt a special connection with you, Remember. You’ve helped me tremendously. I will always be grateful.
XOXOXOXO
Wish I could go out drama free. Eck. This sucks.
Thistoo,
I was with my friend all night since her mom started fighting with her- she’s going through a bad divorce with an N.
Anyways, i’m just catching up on the posts.
I can’t believe you are having all these technical issues!!!!
I will miss you- i’m upset I didn’t get to read your posts tonight…
Good luck and if you get to sneak back on, I will look for signs.
My friend used the dammit doll tonight.
xoxoxo
Thank you, Remember. So happy to hear from you tonight! Watch that video again!!
Look for signs, for sure.
Your friend used the dammit doll? dammit, dammit, dammit!!! Hahaha!!!
You’re doing good, lady! Love you! 🙂
This too
Hope all goes well and you continue reading and learning and doing well for yourself. Much luck and hopefully when and if you’re back, we see the “signs”. Don’t stay away too long, I’ve enjoyed your posts and your advice xx
Why do they always say we are sick, we are mentally ill , we are depressed , we need help? Is this a way to shift the blame of their guilt onto us ? I never understand why my ex portrayed me as the “crazy wife” to everyone including his son, my child. Of course my so knew the truth. I know they cheat and lie but what is it with the labeling and demonizibg my character ?
Kaya, for me, I think my ex did it so that I would question and doubt myself. I was very self confident and had my act together when I met him, and he knew that I trusted him and took him seriously. It worked. We were together 7 years and have been apart almost 4 now and I still have not gotten back up to where I was at the time I met him.
Telling others that you were the crazy wife did at least two things – get him sympathy and get people to see and possibly treat you differently”he wanted to discredit you.
Also, I guess to some degree it’s projecting”like when my ex suggested I look up borderline personality disorder. HE was the disordered one.
They want to make us lose everything, up to and including our minds and even our lives, meanwhile they look clean as a whistle and like the ones who were “duped”. Mine told me that he had to leave me in order to “protect himself” from me, and that he was the “bridegroom with the black eye”.
Kaya, also, my ex’s kids were very active in sports, and he was a coach. From what he told me, his ex wife was a nightmare and tried to discredit him and made a lot of scenes at the games.
Remember that tape of his I found? There were recordings of messages his ex wife had left on his machine where she sounded very normal and calm and she told him on more than one occasion to stop bad mouthing and spreading lies about her to the other parents at the games, that no one believed him and he was just making himself look like a fool.
He had also recorded monologs where he talked about fearing for his safety with her and that he needed to be very careful lest she hurt him. That he felt physically threatened by her. What a nut case. He was 6’2″ about 230 and she is around 5′, maybe 120. Riiight.
They are living in a movie that they’re constantly writing the script for. Hope he feels “safe” with his new wife for many years to come.
HanaleiMoon
Your post reminds me how I would be talking to my ex, and he’d reply as if I were saying really awful things. That’s how I knew he was talking in front of others, he wanted them to think I was being a bitch. At first he did that and I was asking him why would he be replying that way? and he’d say, please don’t get crazy on me, or stop yelling at me… but I wasn’t yelling or being “crazy” I was only puzzled. I’d called to ask if I should put the steaks on the grill. It was two different conversations. Answering something I wasn’t saying or asking.
Like I’ve said, I was a slow learner. He sure did make a fool of me, easy to do because I was so frickin’ trusting.
NWHSOM, I had the same experience of having the two different conversations many times. He’d also recall conversations completely differently. He used that as ammo to suggest that I was mentally unstable. Once he “kindly” told me that he couldn’t take my behavior anymore (what behavior I said) because he KNEW that I didn’t realize how disordered I was and it wasn’t intentional. Whew!
I was a slow learner and so trusting too. But we were brainwashed. I remember once him whipping me (with words) into such an emotional frenzy that I literally thought I was losing my mind. I was backed up against the door from the kitchen to the garage and he was keeping a “safe” distance and trying to “talk me down” and kept repeating how I was scaring him. I recall having the completely lucid thought of WTF YOU are the one who pushed me to act this way”but I was powerless to act rationally and remove myself from the situation.
As time goes on, I realize more and more how completely insane things were with him. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
One time my ex took me to Disneyland (the Happiest Place on Earth!!) and I was really having a good time. In a happy haze, I mentioned something about the future (this was about two years into what I thought was an exclusive relationship) and he stopped in his tracks, looked at me with a terrible look on his face and said that he hadn’t decided if he wanted to be with me, and in fact, was thinking he wanted to have two or three women living with him in his house”and now could I go buy him a cup of coffee? I remember standing in line for his coffee and feeling so, so terrible. I didn’t say a word for the rest of the time we were there. I guess that was really a victory for him. And of course, it just went away like it never happened.
I used to beat myself up for not walking out on the hundreds of things like that he did to me, but I get it now. After that, he wanted to go back to Disneyland many times, and I always refused. I will never go back again, it has such terrible memories.
He always seemed to wait until I was feeling really good before dropping the worst bombs. More payoff, I guess.
YES HanaleiMoon
Strange how the WORST things happened when everything was going good, the biz was good, the weather was good, we were in sync. Then boom, he’d pop the bubble of contentment. I learned to fear having good times.
I “like” a fb page about Narcissists that said “If we started to keep a notebook to remember conversations, we are being manipulated. Another YEP. I am lucky though. I kept all mine. A full bankers box of them. My attorney told me they are proof of his abuse. It showed a pattern. I listed dates, names of people present, the conversation, and of course all my crazy trying to figure out what stuff meant. When, sadly, it meant I was being mindf* by a liar.
When I left him, I actually created a list of things I would not miss. Having to write down conversations was one of them. I never did it before him, nor since.
kaya48
One of the incidents that made me so hopeless and depressed was finding that my ex consulted with an online divorce attorney who laid out the “game plan” to divorce me. One of the items was to get their story out there first. It was a plan to implement a smear campaign so the wife could “take HIS assets” (they were not HIS, they were OURS). They talked how wives would try to claim alimony and how to prevent that because we wives were just lazy, staying at home while we lived off “their” income. It was a really depressing site, the way they characterized long term marriages where the wife gave up her career and all the work she did was worth ZERO.
Not that my ex needed encouragement or validation to trash me, but that website laid it out like I deserved it, and he followed a lot of the recommendations, including transferring ALL our bank accounts to another bank in his name so I had NO money in order to pay for a place to live or an attorney.
My ex gravitated to answers and websites that fit his personality. There were probably plenty that might have laid out his responsibilities in ending a marriage but he didn’t see any of those.
A Pre-emptive strike makes sense knowing that they KNEW they were a*…les. They HAD to smear us because they knew they are so scummy.
There are also plenty of websites and other sources of information on how to be a good husband, how to fulfill his responsibilities in a marriage.
AnnettePK
I was on those sites, written for the wife! Since I grew up in an awful home, I was sure that I was the problem. So I bought books and searched the web for how to be a good partner. I read Dr Laura Slessingher (sp) and I did it all to feed his insecurities, to tell him that he was our hero (me and my daughter). NOT ONE of those books suggested that if I was looking for what I wasn’t doing enough of or doing wrong, that maybe I should look at HIS behavior.
He used my efforts as proof that he was stuck with a bad wife. He’d say, “I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation.” which is how he justified cheating scamming defrauding and smearing me.
As you wrote below, my ex did it to me and to all his girlfriends. That he was such a nice guy and victim to women who took advantage of him. Yet ALL of them moved away, I wasn’t the only one who moved thousands of miles away, I was just the only wife to do so.
In my experience, they decide that they are going to do some unacceptable behavior – like leave or cheat. They don’t leave or cheat because there is something wrong with their wives; they leave and cheat because that’s what they like to do. In order to justify their unacceptable choice of behavior, they fake a reality where their victim is evil, crazy, etc, so they blame their leaving/cheating on the victim.
My ex psychopath did this to his first ex wife and his second ex wife, which was me.
Annette
I agree…when my ex and I were on a memorable last vacation together a few short weeks before he blurted he was marrying someone, the reason was “do you really think we had a future? I mean what type of future can I give you?”
Oh ok…so this is my fault?
But funny enough when he got back in touch with me four months after his marriage, I suddenly was the best thing that ever happened to him and NOW he was ready to have a real future and his wife wasn’t any good anymore…
I’m feeling the same way. Thank you for posting this. My best guest is to keep us passive dependant confused and they knew it would hurt us. I know that’s what it did to me. It also made my self esteem die.
It really is sick how low they go to control us. I’m only beginning to see the whole picture.
No one deserves that.
Blue light
If this is new situation yes, it is incomprehensible. I didn’t even know this type of person even existed when this happened last summer.
Only after researching “men who lie
And cheat” I found this site.
Wow everything I read, pertained to me. Every situation described him
Exactly.
I have read so much on this topic that relates to my situation it’s unbelievable.
I truly felt I was alone..being with someone who I thought was perfect, and I was his perfect match, turn around and tell me he was getting married to someone he didn’t physically meet more than one time, was really hurtful. I tried to make him
Understand what he was doing with no luck.
Then I started to see that was how he had approached me when we met. Told me we were getting married maybe a week after we had met. Told me he loved me the very same day. I found it weird for sure but I enjoyed
The attention.
So I could understand how come he was marrying someone he didn’t know. This was his way. And researching it led me to here. I’m so happy that’s where I ended up because it saved me!!
You will see, you will come to terms with what he has done. You will see clearly, slowly but surely. No contact has been a real savior and is the only way to get sanity back.
It’s hard work to get there but you are important and you need to do it for yourself
Probably just another way to get people to believe them. To get more followers, or just part of their smear campaign.
I mentioned in the beginning to my ex about being vulnerable, and how guys says girls are crazy alot.
During a fight he said, that’s why you said guys call you crazy!
What the french toast!
Maybe it’s projection- since they are the ones who should be in a padded room.
Hanalei and remember
Thanks for the comments. Makes sense. Hanalei , like your ex, mine said the same “I had to leave you so I can protect myself”. Well
Mine added “because you are so mental.
It’s such emotional and in a way physical abuse they inflict on us. I honestly had physical symptoms from the crazy making.
And yes it is best to cut contact with mutual friends also. It would give him something to potentially use against me later. Like I said , I will not risk anything. That ordeal with the injunction was over the top. He totally crossed a line when he claimed he needed protection from me. He is also 6’2, 215 pounds , retired army, cop , swat team , cert team. I remember everyone chuckling when he said he was afraid of me. I can laugh about it now but it was the worst time of my life. Besides getting sent to the mental institution by his cop friends. Unbelievable.
It was the same with me. He would say “stop yelling at me “. But I was talking on the same voice like at work. I was not yelling at all. When I questioned his where abouts I was told “wow you are so crazy ”
How awful if your ex to plan the divorce. Mine did the same. Changed all direct deposits to a new account , left his son and I without any funds. Luckily my mom was able to pay this awesome attorney. I remember finding out that he has been talking to lawyers about “how to avoid paying alimony “. So evil. But God was on my side.
All of our stories are basically the same. We are so blessed we are free now.
Kaya, Not, Hana,
My girlfriend is going through a divorce now and she had left her good job managing a salon to go work with her husbands and her- though her name is not legally on it, business, and ended up kindof getting fired/quitting because his cousin, who ran a portion of it screwed her over.
So, my friend has 3 boys, and her immature N husband would not give her a dime, bitching about her not working, he let her stay in that house with 2 of the boys and she fauht it and faught it, and got EVICTED. She has a lawyer and in the end HE will pay, but now the 2 boys are with him and she is stayi g on her mom’s couch.
He went and rented a new house with a roomate!
He also made one boy change school because it was too far to drive.
I cannot wait until all this goes through, he is trying to turn it all around.
He will pay, child support and alimony, but it scares me.
Remembertoforget
This irony is that if I were what my husband said of me, he’d have been F*. I didn’t do certain things because of MY character, not because he was good to me… because he wasn’t. Sometimes he wasn’t awful, (yes I learned that lesson, as my therapist said, “The absence of hostility isn’t love.”) but he was never good or kind to me.
ps I would NEVER leave my child with my ex. In fact, because I knew she’d chose him, I didn’t leave him sooner. He didn’t want me but I would be damned if I was leaving my precious beloved child alone with that monster.
Not
I did the exact same. I gave him what he wanted. He messed with my mind so much that I could not think straight anymore. He put words in my mouth I never said. He twisted all my sentences. In the end I was a crying mess on the floor in my closet. My closet became my hiding place. Him standing outside throwing insults at me. What a life we had?
He wanted me to get medication for my mental problems he wanted me to see a psychatrist. We were the sane, normal people. He was the one who should have seemed treatment.
I was living in constant fear what he could do next. And honestly my biggest fear was losing my home. My dream house.
I am much better off without that house. Too many bad memories anyhow.
Yes Kaya, for a long time, everything went his way. But we are divorced now and he doesn’t have that power anymore. On holidays, he sends messages that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I thought about forwarding them to his girlfriend and family but I thought about it and rather respond with silence. He erased my existence, let him LIVE as if I am. LOL.
My ex LIED all the time, which means my life was FULL of UN-reality. Yet I was blamed for being “unstable”. Why? Because I was trying to make sense of NONsense??!! LOL!!!
What a powerful statement “the absence of hostility isn’t love “. So true.
Hanalei
Yes, when I was “happiest” he started throwing stuff and remarks at me. I remember on time a officers wife told my ex ,how nice and caring and beautiful I was. He said to me ” don’t you ever mingle with officers wives again, you are such a crazy b***, you embarrass me “.
I did not do anything. But I was in shock. Our kids played together and I was not allowed to ever talk to this woman again. We were stationed overseas.
And Hanalei. Remarks like “living with 3 other women. ” I heard that all the time .
It’s best to stay completely away. Hanalei how far away do you live from this ex ?
Kaya, right now I live about 60 miles away from him”in another county, and like you, I don’t cross that county line. I live in what he thought of as the “low rent district” and it is unlikely his orbit crosses this way. I have not updated my fb location (even though it is private) and my linkedin profile has a “metro area” that is adjacent. I haven’t told anyone from my past where I am, even those who would have no contact with him. I used to be so open and now”completely evasive and closed off.
Recently I was contacted by a professional contact who lives in his town and we socialized with a few times and it really freaked me out. I was cagey with her, avoided her invitation for drinks by saying I was bouncing between two different states and living in that other “metro area” and told her I’d be in touch. I just can’t risk it.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who heard that three other women thing. Not that you had to go through it, but that it wasn’t just abuse for me. 🙁
Dang. I sure do need that editing button. Sorry for the bad grammar. My keyboard seems to be very slow too.
Not
Lol. Yes trying to make sense out of this is impossible. I was lied to for over 20 years. It’s just hard for me to believe that I stayed so long.
I get stupid notes too which I respond to with my permanent silence. As always I will not give him any ego kibbles. I know that’s his life source. He can he then from someone else. I can tell it bothers him though being ignored . My victory is my silence , my total rejection of him.
I know the opposite of love is indifference. And that’s how I feel about him. No hate , not wanting revenge , no pity , no sorrow. Just indifference. Like he is a mc Donald’s paper bag. Nothing important.
kaya
Isn’t that strange? I don’t hate him anymore either. I do feel disgust at having let such slime touch me, like laying with a human leech, but no feelings of hate. … I have a healthy regard to avoid him forever but other than that, as you say, no pity, no revenge (being himself has been my “revenge”), no sorrow.
‘night all.
Sleep tight, NWHSOM, xo
Kaya –
Just in case I was wondering whether the sociopath still lurks here, I have my answer. I recently received something from the sociopath stuck into a McDonald’s paper bag. I thought it was weird but didn’t make the connection until reading your post just now. Of course, by posting this I just outed myself to the sociopath but maybe it will disappear into the old posts before the sociopath sees it….