UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Not
Thanks for all your great input. Very valuable to me. Yes biggest revenge is letting him the percent he wants to be and live my life to the fullest. I have 20 years to catch up.
Good night. 🙂
A message to spath #1 and #2:
Thank you for setting me free. For helping me know my potential and self worth. For giving me the power to realize and discover my self love. I protect my inner child now. I didn’t do that before you. I didn’t know how. I love her now and keep her from harms way. Far away from people like you. I would never let a child near you if I had known what you are.
You may think that by stalking me you are holding me in your control, when if fact you are setting me free! I may not be able to ever safely create a new email account, phone number, or obtain a new personal address without you knowing. You may succeed in that, but you do not control me. Maybe you’d like to think you’d control me in all ways, forever. Good luck with that. All I know that matters: I control ME. Always and forever.
This is MY life. Not YOURS. I love ME. You never did. You will never love. Even if you think you will control me virtually, always, in your sick and manipulative ways, I will ALWAYS LOVE ME more. That’s what I do. I LOVE. All life and good things. Myself first.
Isn’t that what you “loved” about me? My capacity to love, be sensitive? And interact well with others? I’ve been a cover to your disorder. A good one at that. Turns out, I am not your lover or cover, as much as you’d like to play me as yours. I am not “crazy” or “sick.” I am loving of life. The OPPOSITE of you. Keep “loving” your victims. Keep “loving” your problems. Project as you will. I will pray for you, as though you are worthy, because that’s what I do. I let you go, and I let God.
I thank GOD everyday, for I am free.
This too,
Just got my email now.
GET RID of the router.
All he needs to know is the routers skin/ model and he can figure out.
Your network can be compromised.
New router means new configurations so he cannot access anything.
If he knows your provider ( if he’s on any lists or old lists of your account) he can still weasle his way some information.
Make sure all your connections on your laptop via any network or network sharing is on off. Even printing.
With a new router set it up with password. Set the name of your network and put the keys on. Change everything from is original state. To something not you. Write it down so you won’t forget.
From now on use your cpu only through the wire form to router to cpu. And see if any of this occurs. Keep it like that for six months at least.
Even this can’t keep them out 100% but you’ll know for sure unless he is good at being dormant. That’ll depend on what your guy says. The more you have anything open via wifi means if he is motivated and knows how to he most probably can hack it.
Mine was relentless. I learned the hard way during his silent treatments he was silent but he was always keeping on eye on me.
It also depends on what on you cpu is opening. It could be malware opening. ( most cpu companies install anti viruses that require monthly payment. Delete those and get one that you trust. ) or it simply can be him trying to trigger you and show his ” power”.
But if he gave you the router. Toss it. Run over it with your car if that makes you feel better. :p and then toss it. It’s garbage and will not help. The key with keeping them at bay is to not let them know what router or model or number you have and to change any likely details of it to the norm so they can’t figure it out.
Each model has their own configs. If they know computers they know all of them. They’ll bost about it. ( I don’t quite understand but I saw mine do it all the time).
Technically he can’t get into accounts with passwords. He would only be able to get a lot of your usage. In order to actually get pass words to account ( like emails or this site) he would need something on your computer. Since you had your computer wiped by Apple I doubt whatever he put on your cpu is still there. Unless they didn’t fully wipe it. The paper of diagnostic they gave back to you should let you know what they in fact did.
Sigh
You don’t deserve this. One problem with this is site is you can still see the comments of people even when not logged in. No privacy and can harm the ones trying to heal if their spaths know its them and figures things out. There should be more of a membership aspect and privacy aspect. Yes we need a membership to comment but we should also need that to read.
I’m sorry I didn’t reply sooner I know how stressful this can be but don’t worry there are ways around their idocencracies. Mine spied on me for a long time until I slowly figured it out and and seeked help with another it person. ( he had an uncontrollable rage fit and you bet your bottoms I got the silent treatment for it but I couldn’t change it all back like he required because I really didn’t write everything down so I stood by ground that’s the one thing I did. Plus I’m not interesting to spy on anyway he “lost interest”, but still tried form time to time.
I wish you good luck.
The are no coincidences when it comes to them and these machines. Especially if they take it to heart. They will bost and litterslly think it’s their right.
Change router
Change settings
Close every wifi and open sharing on your cpu
If it wasn’t fully wiped wipe it start a new and reformat all programs not from any copies he gave you. Toss every copy he gave you.
Model is ok it’s just a box. As far as I know they can’t do anything with it but ask your it guy to make sure.
Sadly until then change everything. Passwords and such.
If you are getting phone calls its no doubt him or by flook someone else.
I wish you luck and much patience. When asking for help to the it guy always make sure you trust him. I’ve learned never go to a bf or ex bf. It always backfires if they have a thing for you.
Hugs
Please keep in mind you will be ok. They can’t do anything to you. This is the extent.
You don’t deserve any of this. It’s his sick sick way of saying he’s in charge and hoping to freak you out.
It’s their ego.
Sending you good thoughts and patience. It’s a pain in the ass to get yourself safe in this matter. But once you do the wall will be up.
Thinking of you and I hope this reached you.
bluelight,
You hit the nail on the head! Router and computer. Since August. I’m still trying to comprehend it. He was watching me while we were together and for months after! How long did yours spy on you? I’ve had suspicions for a while now. And in just 2 days everything put together and through help of outside sources has been confirmed. It’s so sick and twisted. This goes way beyond a person driving by your house…instead, they’re in your house with you. Sitting in your living room with you while you like you’re alone. Blogging with you…
Now it makes sense why he wanted me to have a new modem and router. Mine were fine. He came to my house and installed them without even asking. I told him I didn’t want him to get me a modem and router….
Thank you for your email. I’m not alone. This stuff does happen. It’s unimaginable and I am at a loss with how it makes me feel.
Now I have questions. I’m so torn. Keep posting regardless. Walk away farther into my disconnected life. Both options feel equally as bad/good to me right now.
What did you do? How did you handle this?
Annette
Thanks for your great comments.y ex preferrede to be mean also , to be a b****. Sometimes he would say “why are so quiete, why are you so nice?”I know he would love some response from me. Even me cussing him out would give him the control he wants. Me writing an email , a letter, anything. It would feed him his ego kibbles again.
So I am staying strong in the no contact. He lied to me for 20 plus years. Why would he tell the truth now ? So I gave up a long time ago and the only answer he gets his silence. Silence was my closure that I never got and maybe deserved after such a long time marriage. He also gets silence from his only child , his son. The one he also played like a fool , lied to and abondened along with me without any financial support. Silence is the only thing he will ever get. As long as I live. Realizing that it will not benefite in any way instead it will set me back to 2 years ago , gives me the power and stength to be consistent. It was exhausting, changing all emails phone numbers. Staying if any social websites. In the end it was worth it and gave me the victory I was praying for all along.
Thistoo,
I’m bummed you have to disappear.
I agree on the suggestion that you could post or email from public places etc…
What a friggn inconvenience!!
They- yes YOU Spaths!, are such a waste of time and space!
Thistoo, you have helped me so much, and we have been in the same time frame on this.
Do what you gotta do to hack the hack…
Breathe.
Use the dammit doll.
I will be praying and thinking healing thoughts on this.
My friend said can I borrow that doll until my divorce is over?
Try to enjoy the weekend love!!
🙂
xoxoxo
Remember,
I broke my silence and just posted about it.
I want to thank you for your love a support. I’m having a hard time.
Did you give your damit doll away? I personally think you could still find use for it. Maybe purchase your friend her own admit doll? Divorce sucks. Spaths suck. Dammit!
HM,
You are doing good. You see it now.
We are all learning to recognize this way that these people have. I attract them too.
I’m seeing it and getting it. I find myself slipping into my old- too nice softy ways at times, but atleast now I am aware and can check myself.
We will be pro boundary builders before you know it!
HM
Wow if I didn’t know better i wouldn’t say she (real estate agent) sounds very very manipulative. I once made a comment that I find sales ppl almost like spaths…they overload you with niceness, they follow you around like a puppy and when you show disinterest they start their duping or discard.
That agent should be banned for putting pressure on a potential client and for the way she spoke to you and made you feel…
She probably figured she’s lost a sale so why b&e nice to you..disgusting actually
Janedoe I agree with what you say. I’m sure if I had bought quickly, I would never have seen this side of her.
As you say, she was overly nice in the beginning and if I really think about the last few months, she has been making subtle comments designed to make question myself and give up and buy something that was not right for me, just to buy.
Not long ago, she encouraged me to make an offer on a house that was quite a bit above my price range. It was accepted and I spent a sleepless night crunching numbers. In the morning I texted her and told her to withdraw my offer, since the $ didn’t pencil out for me. She bombarded me with texts and calls that day, bothering me at work, wanting me to “take my time” and rethink it, even thought I told her I was CERTAIN I wanted to withdraw the offer. In the evening she made the hail mary call, telling me that the sellers agents were upset because they thought I was perfect for the house and the neighborhood and had they said something to upset me, blah, blah. I did see this for what it was, told her SHE was upsetting me and that I was done discussing it. She ended the call saying ok, but I’m pretty sure you’re not going to find a house as nice as this one”
Yeah. I let this relationship go on too long. I’m sure she’s already forgotten I even existed.
Dupe and discard. Exactly.
HM
Even before I knew what a sociopath was it made me nervous at times to be around salespeople.
Now I see why…(some) sales ppl are so pushy and it’s just a money making business to them. They don’t care about a customer (or in a spaths case, a relationship). They say whatever they can to get you to believe them (hmm…sounds like someone I know).
Have you ever been in a store and trying something on and you do not like the way you feel in it? The sales person saunters along and starts to tell you, you look “amazing” “you need to buy it, you look fabulous”.
Some people would go along with them and buy it but i would be thinking “clearly I do not look good in this outfit, she is a hypocrit for telling me otherwise”. It’s like we have a feeling in our gut that tells us, we wouldn’t be happy if we bought it…
All those techniques, feel very similar to a relationship with a sociopath.
You did well letting your agent go, she was out for the sale and she proved herself in her actions! You did well letting that one go 🙂
HanaleiMoon
Yep, she sounds sociopathic.
I am a sales person, at core, in my profession. But I have always approached my sales as educating the client. Open and transparent disclosure, so that they are protected as they use my products.
I did eventually find a great real estate agent. It was an accident. I decided to look for houses without using a real estate agent and she was the sellers agent. I didn’t like that particular house, but she chatted with me about areas in my new city, told me about flood zones, how some houses get valued while others were buyers nightmares. I learned about the biggest nightmares, foundation issues, old plumbing, and to interview the neighbors about what they liked best/worst in their neighborhood, and lots more that was pertinent to my city only. No surprise that I ended up using her services, right?!!
I think there are LOTS of bad sales people out there, but when you find a gem, you know it. They are generous in their advice and NO HEAD GAMES or insults.
NWHSOM, I want to thank you for your comment yesterday that I would find the perfect garden”it brought tears to my eyes that someone who hasn’t even met me in person could have the kindness and compassion to respect what I want. 🙂
I can see now that she had been testing my boundaries all along and had gotten away with many mild statements so it was easy for her to let her professional mask slip to the side and completely disrespect me in that last call. Yes, she upset me and made me cry, but she didn’t get me to give in, and for that, she need to punish me, so she dumped me. And looking back at that call the day I withdrew my offer, that was VERY much like my ex, calling multiple times a day, pushing, pushing.
At the time I just though wtf, get over it, but now I see it for what it is. No doubt she thinks of me as that crazy b**ch who wouldn’t pull the trigger, just like our ex’s made up stories about us.
I had a poor agent when I put the shared house on the market in the other state. Just lazy and inept, not disrespectful like this one. I let the contract expire and went to another agent that I had interviewed. She was WONDERFUL! She knew my situation to a degree and treated me with respect, went out of her way to show my home in it’s best light and made the process as painless as possible for me. NO head games at all.
The lightness I feel since she “discarded” me is darn near life changing. I had no idea how she was bringing me down, it was happening so subtly, like putting that frog in a nice cool pot of water and then slowly turning up the heat. I started out so excited and optimistic about finding the right place and my attitude had gotten increasingly hopeless and almost desperate about it. She had me considering options that were on my “under no circumstances” list and that says it all. I now see comments like ” you’re taking so long to buy that you are being priced out of your preferred areas” for the manipulations that they were, designed to make me settle.
Thank God she went after something that truly makes me tick, my joy – the garden – and it made me bite back.
I really need more work on boundaries. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt, and she was subtly manipulating me to get me to do something I did NOT want to do.
Just like my ex. JUST like my ex. Lately, I’ve felt drained of energy and hope after spending a morning looking at homes with her, and the rest of the day was completely lost. I told myself I was looking for a needle in a haystack (an idea she put there, since my wish list is hardly outrageous and Lord knows I’m willing to compromise some things) and was even starting to doubt I’d ever find the right home. All this time it was HER that was making me feel bad.
Wow. What I’ve just written is eye opening. If I had recognized this for what it was months ago, I’d have saved myself a lot of heartache and feeling bad about myself.
Eeek. I’ve got to do a better job of watching out for myself. (I am proud of myself though for instantly putting her on the “no contact” list without even thinking twice.)
Thank you for the free therapy session!!!
HM
that was very very well written. I can tell by your words that you speak from experience and your heart 🙂
It’s ok you dealt with another “mentally disturbed” person. Now you know to be careful what to disclose about your needs to them, they will only use it to their advantage to rope you in. (HM Likes a garden? Well lets make sure to push that aspect when we are trying to get her to buy)
When we want something the best is when we aren’t expecting it and it just “falls from above”. Your house and garden will come when the timing is good 🙂
Have a wonderful Sunday HM
I perceive a spiritual component, as though you were being tested. By maintaining your boundaries, rising above the pettiness and not responding to her with anger, insults, PA behavior, etc., perhaps spaths will not target you so much anymore. I think of “resist the devil and he will flee from you.”
Hanalei
It sounds like she is a real bad real estate agent. I had the same problem buying a car. The sales guy promised a certain apr and then changed it and got angry. I told him “ther are many hi da dealers in this state, goodbye. “. I think anytime there is a commission or even lawyer fees involved the person has a little narcissistic trait. I just walk away. I am sure there is s better , more professional realtor who can help you find your dream home. Buying a house is a huge thing. I a very caring , empathetic person but I learned through this ordeal with my ex, that sometimes we have to look at our well being , our interest first. I catered to this guy left and right for 20 years and I lost so much. Except myself. And that’s who counts at the moment. Myself and my son and my pets.
If someone is nasty I just walk away. I will not argue with anyone or let them mistreat me , like the past 20 years. Life is too short and precious. I hope you find a real estate agent who is is not out for herself first.
Kaya, wise words as always! In reflecting on all this this week, and getting the great input here, I have realized that while I wish I had handled the situation a little better, I deserve to give myself more credit, because she did her best to manipulate and shame me into settling, or spending more than I am comfortable with and I didn’t allow it. I took more crap than I should have, and yes, it did affect me, but in the end, I did not allow her to manipulate me. I stood up for myself and my well being and best interest and because I did, she took the first opportunity to dump me.
Her loss, because I AM going to buy, when I find what is right for ME. Without her negative energy maybe that will be right around the corner. The funny thing is, my mom is getting ready to list her house and she was going to use this woman”so she lost a second commission too.
I wish I hadn’t let her put me in that position to defend and justify myself to her, but lesson learned. I hope by the time I need to buy a car, I’ll be a pro! 😉
Hanaleimoon
I apologise because I don’t have the time right now to respond so this is a quickie.
I had a BAD real estate agent. (2 actually). They do want the quick sale, it’s easier. I had to fire them. I do know, in my state, contracts don’t have to be formal. They can be implied. Since she is such a jerk, to cover yourself in case she tries to sue for commission when you do buy, sever the relationship formally.
Just a heads up, saves the stress later.
ps GOOD for you to wait for the house you want. The process is teaching you to stand up for yourself, so when you do find your home, it will come with self worth and the perfect garden. 🙂
Hi Folks….
ive been okay today. Now I am sinking again.
why was I so stupid?
but my psychologist said on Thursday.. would you punish a child who did now know something? of course not. But I allowed him to FORCE his way into my life, apartment, finances, everything. I though he just loved me like he said.
what If I never enjoy sex again?
why the mood swings? it has been one month NC yesterday. I am soooo proud of myself and so grateful to that judge for the restraiing order. still do not understand why he made it oly 3 months! maybe bc my ex is a fireman and it affects their job? I will be. what’s the word.. extending it…. HE WILL BE BACK IF I DO NOT…. I swear to you….. he would kill me if he could. I exposed him.. bc he was exposed to me.
the gave him the RO IN FRONT OF THE FIRE CHIEF. SHE WANTED IT SERVED TO HIM IN HER OFFICE.
how more exposed could a narc be……. and other officers have complained about and refused to work with him for years.
officers reported he was having women to fire station and having sex in cars…. after 10 pm…
and one girl in the station.
the union protects him from no getting fired.
the fire chief… is a woman. a tough, irish… rosie O’Donnell type. she believed me an sympathized with me in my office when she came to talk to me after hearing of RO and asking to meet with me.
I told her… HE IS GOING TO LIE TO YOU ABOUT ME. he is going to tell you I am crazy.
she said it did not matter and he was being put under investigation.
I have not heard from her since my RO… when I mailed her about the hearing.
what if he won her over? Made me out to be crazy ex… scorned girlfriend b/c he cheated?
then again.. she heard his voice mail on myphone. she saw his Skype photos of me… asking me to undress…. while I am at home and he is at station.. on their computers! what guts! then again… he is a tech genius.
I am in pain. if I were performing right now… id be okay.
My new musician…. is busy this weekend… probably working….
I just wish he and I were rehearsing.
do you know my self esteem is so low right now that I started crying at therapist’s b/c I had not heard from my musician/accompaniest in a few days! I said, “What if he does not want me anymore…”
this has affected every area of my life.
I love my administrator at my day job at nursing home.
I let him down.. while in my shock of my spath’s mask coming off via a pocket dial of him with another woman sexually and emotionally…. and then my kicking him out.
and then my filing a restraining order.
I have caught up at work. but when I look at my boss… I want to cry. I let him down. He took SIX MONTHS… to find the right candidate for this difficult position and hired me on the SPOT.
and then… b/c I did not know my fiancé was a cheating, lying, stealing, sociopath/narcissists who was using me for money and an car and room and board and a good cover….
IT AFFECTED MY JOB. MY REPUTATION.
I almost got fired. My boss said, “When you are here… you are not HERE.”… Meaning mentally. I was in shock and realizing my life the past year had been a lie.
so I have caught up at work. he sees me working hard. he bought a 4,000 dollar software system for my use yesterday and to make the Nursing Home a better… more professional place… a software program I informed him of… we can post residents activities on tv screens, etc.
if he did not plan on “keeping me”… he would not have made such an investment…. and taken 45 mins out of his very very busy day as exec. dir. to be on a conference call with the sales woman of the software and me in his office, right?
can someone send love…
why am I having these mood swings from this spath thing?
I m sooooo happy to be free and that I am coming out of literal brainwashing.
and then bam..
my emotional floor drops. like a rollercoaster.
can someone share if this happened to them?
I love you all. I truly truly do.
Kitty
Kitty
You are NOT alone!!
Just when I think I’m slowly back on track with my life, I am down. I get sad and I want to cry and I miss him. I usually have one day a week or so I’m like this. Something triggers and I go off track and resort to being lonely and sad. When I do finally come to my senses, something he’s done usually leads me back to sanity. I feel it’s almost a year, why am I like this.
I’m alot better than months ago, but I have done a few things to break NC temporarily until I get sane again.
If I had to go through this without support from others on here or my continual reading, I’d be a walking zombie.
It would affect my work and my social life. This is normal. This is because you are normal. You have empathy like a normal person and are going through a grieving stage and your reactions to this proves it.
It must be hard to concentrate at work. But by the sounds of your posts, you enjoy what you do. With time, knowing something I enjoyed and actually doing it, helped me along in this grieving process. Once I started to think clear and think of what I loved to do and weigh them with the things my ex did to me that made me unhappy, the positive eventually overruled the negative.
Bringing happiness to ppl in your job is a very rewarding feeling. You even said because you’re not performing you feel lost. Until you’re back performing can you so something related to it? A show or movie that relates to performing or get together with a friend to see some musicians playing around your area in a club?
Does your boss know about your traumatic experience with the spath? Perhaps by not getting too deeply into it, a brief explanation of what’s happened may make him understand.
The roller coaster feeling happens to me like I said, once a week or sometimes
Twice. More on wkds when I know I could have been with my ex. I have a lot of “why’s” that are left unanswered. I have messages I’ve put in draft folder to him. I still dwell. I get the list of good and bad about him and go over it and that really really helps me.
I don’t think there’s a time limit To when you’re supposed to feel better. Our insides have been shredded to pieces and our hearts trampled on and it’s so unfair. But there are some very wise women on here whose advice is so valuable and I’ve learned alot..keep reading and writing and venting because that’s what is what helps.
Oh just so you know, today wasn’t the greatest of days for me either 🙂
Kitty, we all do love you too. This is a hard time, questioning yourself, wondering if you did right…thinking about him. I know what you are going thru…I lost 2 jobs because my head was elsewhere because of my spath.
I am sure that the investment of time and money that your boss has made in you means that he wants to keep you. He did you a favor by giving you a heads-up that he has noticed that “you are not there.” He could have taken a more drastic action, but instead gave you a warning and bought you a state-of-the-art computer. He WANTS you to stay and needs you to stay focused. It is a reasonable request. And I know how our thoughts can commandeer our actions. As best you can, try to keep focused at work on work. When I cannot sleep thinking….I say to myself, “What can I do about this situation RIGHT NOW?” In other words, if there is some action that I can take to solve the situation at 2 am, then I SHOULD continue to think about it and get up and take the action right now. But 99% of the time, I cannot do nothing at 2 am to solve anything, so it makes more sense to sleep now and solve the problem in the daylight. Perhaps you can use that analogy to control your thoughts at work and save the emotional foreplay for a time when you can actually think more clearly and make plans when your mind is clear of work matters. I know it is easier said than done, but it would put you on the right path at work.
You might also try meditation. As you improve and can bring up your happy and peaceful place more quickly, you will find that you can also dismiss the negative thoughts more quickly.
Praying for your healing…
Kitty,
You are not alone. I am in the same place you are. I have no self esteem and he is still trying to get me to lose my job bc he wants to be promoted. I would love to chat via another email as I am not sure if someone at work saw the website and he is watching me. I feel what you are feeling and understand completely. Let me know if there is another email we can set up and then use a different one so we can be anonymous. Hang in there.
just getting this…..
yes there is another email… but how do we do this?
i can set one up in hotmail and then not use it again and that way we can chat
okay.
Kitty
I want you to know you are not alone. This has been happening to me as well. My self esteem is purely non existent. I even cried at my doctors appointment the other day.
I myself still am going through the process of trying to figure out the lies and I bounce back from blaming myself to just dealing with how this has affected me. It’s been difficult because I am still recovering and still dealing with the effects of that and trying not to blame myself or being down on myself and those can be be reason he did this or that.
In all honesty you didn’t let your boss down. You are human. You have had a very hard year. Inatead of feeling bad about it try to look at how far you’ve came. How much courage and strength you have. I know it doesn’t feel like it much right now but you my lady are impressive. At least from my point of view.
You’re feeling bad because you are a good person and you are sensitive right now. Your boss may have noticed you were mentally there at times but really who would be in your position? Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can do in this circumstance and that’s all anyone could hope for. If your boss is requiring more than my dear that’s on your boss. Not you. You need to be patient with yourself and compassionate. ( things I’m learning to do for myself and admit it’s difficult because while I’m used to doing it for others I have realized i am not for myself). This site, the books I have been reading because of Donna ( a big thank you btw) is teaching me we need to nurture ourselves. These monsters betrayed us deeply. Really really to the core.
It’s going to take some time to get back to where we used to be. And you know what? That’s ok.
Each of us works on our own timetable and our own speed. ( so if your boss has other expectations then :p).
Our self esteems are obliviated ( I know mine is), and we are left in taterred pieces but it’s ok. One step at a time. That’s all we can do right now.
Try not to be hard on yourself. You are a survivor. Your posts are inspirational Hun and know you have someone over here rooting for you.
As for you being sensitive of your musician and other parts of your life. I think that’s normal. It just speaks the volumes of how deep he hurt you.
When your core has been hurt. Everything that effects your core is effected. ( that’s what I learned in group therapy this week). So if anything try not to worry so much about it. Try to take time and be compassionate and accept your process and give your heart what it needs. If playing music by yourself ( if you have an instrument you play) makes you happy then do some. I am told slowly we will build out self esteem back up. Till then it will effect us in different ways.
Hang in there hon. Sending you hugs and good thoughts from over the ocean.
JD,
My ex is a salesman, over the phone, the worst kind!
Bleeeeeech!
NEVER like salesmen.
Uggghhh.
Slimy.
Remember
Yes slimy is putting it mildly..they don’t even deserve that title.