UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
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Good for you HM. Yes, we slip back occasionally, but not as quickly or as far or for as long. You ARE making progress, and I am glad to see you giving yourself credit.
To the one who must disappear for awhile…you know who you are…I am sorry to lose you and your wisdom, but your priority is YOU right now. I will be praying for your continued strength.
God bless us all!
Annette
I totally agree with you. “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” The devil hates being ignored, hates being mocked, hates being rejected. I found that staying strong in my faith, memorizing bible verses, and completely cutting of communication is the best weapon and most effective against evil. I received a note yesterday in the Postal mail, my ex wrote :” Can I please have your email address?” This is after 2 years of no contact, after him sending me to the mental institution, after him trying to place an injunction against me, after being left financially stranded with his son. He has the nerve to ask for my email address.
Unlike me, he does not think that divorce is forever…not a temporarily thing, not a revenge thing. When I filed for divorce I made it loud and clear that this will be the end of any commitment we have to each other. And that includes not being in contact or being “friends”. He just does not get it. He is in some kind of fantasy land of his….unbelievable.
I will never undo my hard work of over 2 years by responding to his crap. If he needs companionship he should contact one of his minion. The minions that took priority over his family 2 years ago. The minions who were so much more fun than me, so much sexier, so much younger, so exciting…..
Now the bible verse “you reap what you sow”…is appropriate…
He ended any commitment he had to your marriage by breaking all of them.
He may ‘get it’ on some level, but for some reason he thinks that he will be able to engage you, or maybe he is getting enough glee out of knowing that his constant nagging for attention is irritating to you. It’s bound to be annoying, and it keeps reminding you of him. There is some reason that makes sense to a spath that he continues to try to engage, even when he consistently gets no response.
No, they don’t think marriage is forever nor divorce. My ex psychopath never really was married to me (or his first ex wife), nor was he really divorced. He just goes to and fro in life trying to see what he can get, what he can stir up.
Kaya,
Beautifully spoken.
Amen.
Thank you!
Thanks
and yes it makes sense..Even though he never gets a response from me he wants me to think of him, to know he still exists…they are so evil. It must give them satisfaction to send those notes.
“Yes, pride has deceived you heart, into believing that though you fly high now _ having plenty, no need of anything or ANYONE – yet God will bring you down into judgment; for no one can put off forever his reckoning day with God.”
You are right..he never had any committment with me…I was just his convenience, his source of ego kibbles, his option. When a better source came around, he got rid of me and his son. And now thinks that everything is forgotten and that we can be “best friends”…..
There is no hope for them, as they are full of evil and pride. And God hates pride because it robs Him of His glory. A proud, haughty, conceited, boastful man is a child of the devil, a child of Satan. The sin is centered around I…the middle letter of SIN. I MUST have my pleasure, I MUST have my way, I MUST have everything my heart desires no matter what it costs me or others. When they put “I” on the throne they are taking the place that belongs to God.
And was my ex husband ever conceited, arrogant and prideful….every day of his life evolved around him, his desires, his wants…..everyone else was an idiot.
He thought I was the biggest fool of wife, the idiot who cannot figure out that he was screwing his co worker every shift he worked…the idiot who did not have the guts to get an attorney and file for divorce….
He was so wrong, he totally underestimated me.
Sounds like he underestimated God, too. My son said about my ex psychopath (his step father while I was ‘married’ to the spath), “Mom, (he) wants to be God.”
The only sin that is unpardonable is sin that is willful and unrepented of. How can God forgive someone who doesn’t want forgiveness, who thinks that whatever he does is right without regard to what is really right and wrong, and who continues to do wrong by choice?
“God is the Author of peace and not confusion.” My ex wanted me live in confusion , in a stage where questionedy self worth, my everything about me. It was exhausting and do confusing. I used to pray to God to bring my husband back home to his family. God had other plans, according to him I was not to be reunited with my husband. Back then I never realized how powerful and awesome Gods plan was. And what I learned out of his entire drama with my husband of 20 years is that God is Always in control.
Kaya48
God is ALWAYS in control. I, too, prayed for many years for my life to be better with my ex. I divorced him 8 years ago but continue to have problems with him. He continues to accuse me of things and dragging me into court again and again. I understand that all the ex wants to do is deplete me of all my money by paying legal fees to defend myself. I know that God is in control and HE is very very good. I am now very happily remarried for almost 3 years to a wonderful, kind and loving man. I never thought this would be possible — but it is.
Your story is my story and many others. Take comfort in the fact that these spaths will get their “just desserts” at some point in time. We may never see it, but God surely will.
Be thankful, as I am every single day, that I am no longer in a dangerous, psychologically damaging and controlling marriage. I have learned very valuable lessons and hopefully have helped others along the way. Sometime I can even recognize a spath because of my experiences with my ex.
Read your Psalms and Proverbs every day. You will find peace that only Jesus and provide.
Blessings
Out of There
Thank you so much for your wise words. It is great to hear from someone who has been for 8 years..wow. And it is encouraging to hear that you are remarried to a wonderful man. It shows me that it is possible.
I have only been out a for like 2-1/2 years. While I admit that the first year after the discard was very challenging and “in a fog like”, especially going through legal battles, I can honestly say now that I arrived at the “other end”. I am no longer angry or sad, I am happy and at peace. I don’t feel any hate towards him, just indifference, but I will not forget what he has done to me and my son. By filing for divorce, staying no contact, I got the closure that I never received from him.
(I was discarded because of who I am, because I became old and boring and mentally “unstable”). That was his reasons. No mention of the year long affairs he carried on with many of his cop co workers.
I learned that the failure of this marriage had nothing to do with me or my looks or behavior, rather than his insecurities and lack of empathy and compassion.
When I was first discarded I decided not to fear and let God be in control. It saved me many tears and big worries.
It is sad that they love to drain us through legal fees. There are no minor children involved with me and so far he follows court orders. I truly hope it stays this way, but like you said, it could all change.
I dont live in the past anymore, rather for today. I am grateful that God took him out of my life and gave me peace and a new life. I am very blessed to have the love of my son, my mom and brother, my pets…that I live in a beautiful place, have a fulfilling job , great bosses and co workers, a church that I absolutely love ….what else can I ask for?
In comparison , my ex has nothing left but his coworkers, sex and being able to be a pervert…..so I am definitely the winner….yes, I lost 20 long years of my life but this drama has brought me much closer to God…
thank you again for giving us hope and belief here on this website.
Kayla
I don’t want you to think that my divorce was easy …. none of them ever are when dealing with these evil, devilish people. I lost everything I had — even money, homes and furnishings I had prior to my 17 year marriage. I was horrified by it all. My health failed too. I was awarded sole and separate custody of our minor children also. However, through Parental Alienation, he bought them. To this very day, I have not heard from either of my now adult children ages 20 and 22 for 8 very long years. It is very difficult. The last time I heard from my oldest child after sending flowers for V-Day, was I never want to hear from you again, no texts, cards, emails nothing. I wish you were dead. I have come to a quiet acceptance and, at times, cry for days. But I am also and continually reassured that God and Jesus loves me. My ex may have taken all of the material things from me, but he will never take my faith in Jesus Christ, my wonderful husband and an education.
I do believe that God’s vengance will come on these people. I am very thankful for all of my friends, family and this web site for the assistance and encouragement they have given me on this journey. I will be forever eternally grateful that I am not living in that horrific situation any longer. I have a very peaceful home — something I never ever could have imagined possible. We struggle financially, but God will always provide shelter, food, clothing and medical care because He loves us.
Like you said, God is the author of peace and order — not of confusion and chaos.
Blessings to You
Read your PSALMS and PROVERBS. They will give you unconditional peace.
Thank you, I know what you mean. I also lost everything I worked for in my entire adult life. Lost it to poor and evil choices he made. I am very sorry to hear that your ex was able to “get” your children on his side. Luckily my son witnessed what my ex has done, his lies and betrayals and his evilness. After the discard he left us with basically nothing while he was sipping champagne on cruises, taken her out for lavish dinners, buying her clothes and jewelry. He stopped my sons college tuition and then he “does not appreciate” that we cut of all contact with him. He must be in some kind of a denial?
Indeed, when all was getting too much for me, I asked God to take it and God did. God always came through for me, in the toughest court battles , in needy times…
I do read Psalms and Proverbs, they give me peace and hope. We must have hope even in the midst of the storm. I did and God carried me through the “high waters” even though I felt like I was drowning.
And yes there will be consequences. Like you said, we might not see it.
Revelation 21:8
“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whore-mongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone, which is the second death. “
Kaya
I am not sure if you are living in the US or overseas. Look at the world as it is today. So sad.
I, too, was left with absolutely nothing, while he makes about $350,000 a year. Yet, complains he doesn’t have any money. Look at the book of Romans Chapter1 and see what it says also about these people. God will chase after his lost sheep, but only for so long. Then he will let them to their own demise.
My oldest child is a mirror image of my ex spath — deadly, dangerous and without malice. I want to love the person that I wished for … but not the adult child who is a mirror image of my ex spath. DANGEROUS.
Now I pray for their souls. They are adults and will have to live with their choices. I know God is a righteous God.
We go to church every Sunday and the lessons have been from John Chapter 1 and 2. Read them carefully. They too will give you peace. Live every day like it may be your last. Take nothing for granted and Love like you will not see them again. Settle all arguments before the sun goes down. Never go to bed angry with someone you love.
Blessings
Yes, I do live in the US. I was born and raised in Europe but came here with my ex husband almost 26 years ago. He was with the US Army stationed overseas. So I do consider myself American and I truly love this country.
I am so sorry that one of children is following his fathers “traits”. Like I said before, my number one goal in life was to ensure that my son would turn out to be the total opposite of his father, which I accomplished. He has good morales, he is a Christian, humble and caring, empathetic and compassionate. My ex was and probably still is an Atheist. For many years it was a big struggle for me to be strong in my faith while constantly put down by my ex. After my son and I were baptized in 2012, all “hell” broke lose in our home. The abuse, the deceits, the betrayal got a thousand times worse. I always thought that it was devil rebelling against me who proclaimed my faith in Christ. It was the living hell 24/7.
So I am truly blessed that God put an end to it. I know how weak my ex was when it came to younger women…it did not take long before one of the cop co workers started the affair with him. Finding nasty pictures of them, being lied to, being made “crazy” in the head, the walking on egg shells was almost unbearable. I often sat in my “crying closet” and prayed to God to take him away, to give me peace, to give my life back to me. And God answered my prayer…it was shock to me at first , but now makes total sense.
Thank you for pointing out scripture …I really appreciate it. I want to learn so much more about Christ and I am truly at peace now. And so is my son. We finally have the life we wished for. I lost my home, many material things but I am free.