UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I have been a Christian my entire life, but fully embraced a personal relationship with Christ in the ’90s. I married him, while we were both catholics and him telling me that he would go to church with me and raise our children catholic. Let me tell you, after the marriage he tells me that he is atheist. Imagine That! Had he told me all of that while we were dating he would never have even gotten a second date.
The closer I got to God, then he claimed “he was a born again Christian” went through all the motions going to church with us, doing a bible study, etc etc etc. After the divorce never went to church again and even went as far to say on his Match.com account that he is atheist.
That, my sister in Christ, is a one way ticket to a red velvet, front row seat, with his name on it in HELL.
We need to pray for their souls. I do not wish that eternal life for anyone to be in hell.
Yes, we do need to pray for them. One time I received a note from my ex that said “When you go to your church, ask your God, if this right, that I have to pay you alimony every month.” It has been almost a year since the divorce is final and he still attacks me on this level.
He does not ask for forgiveness, he does not take any responsibility. I changed my email and phone no but he can send me the notes through the postal system. Often I just file them away, I don’t even want to read this stupid stuff.
Wow, your ex claims to be an Atheist on match.com…how sad is that?
Kaya
Yes, we were only separated for 3 weeks and he had a match.com account. My neighbor told me and he claimed that he was divorced. At the time, he said that he was atheist. But now, he is living in the bible belt of the US, the southern states, where church and faith are really a big deal. Now he claims to be a Christian.
May I suggest that you get into a bible study. My faith and knowledge grew by leaps and bounds. My husband and I do not attend a catholic church, but a church that preaches the Good News only. A bible based church.
The bible study that is international is called BSF Bible Study Fellowship. They will be, for the first time, tackling Revelation. Just go on the internet to see if there is a class near you. They have classes all over the world. I will hopefully be attending in the fall . The classes usually begin in August/September and you will need to sign up. Some are in the evening, while others are during the day. They are for woman only and men only and even have classes for young adults like your son and children beginning at age 3. My youngest child attended for 7 years and really loved it.
Same lesson taught each week around the world. I absolutely loved it.
Another one that is really good is called Precepts Ministries. Really good too.
You may want to read Issiah. Its really long, but the first 40 chapters are God destruction of Israel and warnings and the last 40 chapters his blessings.
If you are having trouble with your faith, read James. Excellent book about keeping the faith. It really helped me to stay the course and never doubt Jesus.
My very favorite book is Proverbs and Matthew.
A very very good daly devotional is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It seems to always have words that I just need to hear on that given day.
Daily Bread is free. Go on the internet and they will deliver it to you. I really love that too. Very practical and can relate to modern times.
I may not ever see you here on this earth — but I know I will see you my sister in Christ on the other side. Keep the faith and always pray for their souls and for our country.
This is a Bible Study Course I worked through twice. You can do the lessons on line, or they will send paper copies of the lessons. http://online.twbiblecourse.org/
Thanks to everyone
I will check on that bible study. And yes ,Annette, I one percent agree with you.
How can God forgive someone who does not want to repent? And continue to be evil. My ex also thought he was God.
I removed him from his throne by divorcing him and ignoring him. But I am sure some bed co worker /girlfriend pug him back. What a sad life they live.
I meant one hundred percent agree with you. Not one percent. Wish there was an edit option. 🙂
No more wool
wow…the expression “Mc Donalds paper bag” came from a therapist of mine. She told that is exactly how much I meant to my ex husband…when you no longer need it, you throw it in the trash, just like a Mc Donald paper bag. No more use for it, no value, no attachment to it, no worries in the world what will happen to it after disposal.
And that is exactly how I felt after being discarded. My ex rewrote history and demonized the entire 20 years plus marriage, I became the biggest obstacle for him when I accomplished to be the best detective I could be. When I found out his dirty secrets I was to be “disposed’ of so I can create further harm to him, like calling the co worker and “embarrassing” him that he was so dumb he could not even hide his affair. He became careless and stupid in his actions.
A Mc Donalds paperbag has no further use once you are done with it. I turned the tables now and this is exactly what he means to me now…nothing.. He is worthless, he is a liar, he is an abuser and a betrayer and I am done with him. That is why he divorced him, because I will not stay married to someone who makes me an “option”. I was his wife and mother of his child and not one of his co worker w****, who he put before his family. Everything in life has consequences, he must deal with his now.
No more wool, please be careful. I know from experience what they are capable of…my lawyer always warned me. He has seen it many times being a criminal attorney. I trusted this lawyer and I still listen to his advice.
I haven’t been able to keep up with what is going on with everyone as much as usual lately, but the idea that someone’s sociopath is lurking here is beyond creepy. Isn’t anything safe?!
Take good care, NoMoreWool, be safe.
It’s very creepy to hear it confirmed, although it makes sense that they would be here stalking individuals or just in general. If they didn’t come here, they wouldn’t be who they are.
Annette, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.
There is an Instagram called “bye Felipe” that posts horrible messages women get on online dating sites. The depth of the misogyny and utter disrespect for another human being is beyond shocking. I am afraid people are becoming desensitized.
I’m just disgusted.
It was a wake up call for me, too. Even though we know, hearing it confirmed via the McDonald’s paper bag reference, kind of jolted me. I’m pretty sure, but not certain, that my ex P isn’t here, but it’s still creepy any of them are here reading our posts. Sadly, I’m considering not posting any more. However, there are zillions of my posts spanning years here that can be read forever by anyone. I knew that, but the big picture kind of crept up on me. I didn’t try very hard to be anonymous. Anyone who wanted to could figure out who I am; and anyone who knows me would find my posts by searching on the name I’m using, which is not much of a disguise.
I have not been thinking ahead; and harbored a false sense of security.
Annette, I’m considering not posting anymore either.
I’ve got several years of posts myself. For a long time, I was vague when I talked about my own situation, and in the past year or so, I’ve written many more details, when I thought they could help others. At this point, I’ve given enough details in my posts that my ex, and a few others would know who I am if they read them.
I had a false sense of security because I always thought out of the volumes of articles here and the huge numbers of comments attached to them, it would be like finding a needle in a haystack for someone to read a comment with enough detail to lead them to figure out who I am.
It really is a wake up call that we can never let our guard down. I think sharing our experiences really helps others, as well as ourselves, but it is terrible to think that our posts may be feeding voyeuristic sociopaths. In the beginning I was very paranoid and it was a big step for me to even start posting.
Maybe I was starting to feel too safe.
H Moon,
If I google “AnnettePK” my posts on this site come up. I kept tabs on my ex spath for awhile and I was able to find out a surprising amount of info.
I don’t think my ex spath is smart enough or cares enough to look here, but who knows? I also just don’t like the idea of any spaths on here.
Annette, I wonder if Donna can fix it so that the names aren’t google-able? I know nothing about websites.
I know I don’t post any comments on FB since some comments I had posted came up in a google search. I don’t even want my ex to know what book I’ve read.
I doubt if my ex would be looking here either, but then I would never have believed he did the things he did to me, either.
I also don’t like spaths being on here.
NMW, bulelight and friends,
I am breaking my silence on here now because of today’s running conversation today about privacy. I know it’s not safe for me to be on here anymore and I believe, like Annette said, he doesn’t need to know what I’m up to, how I feel, what’s about him and what’s not.
I’ve always felt off that my ex may read what’s on here. So what did I do, share away! It’s helped me tremendously.
NMW, I’m so sorry to hear about the McDonald’s paper bag. I loved it so much when Kaya sent itI saved it. I confirmed this weekend, through experts in the field and through apple but I have been being surveillanced through both my computer and the router/modem my ex insisted on setting up for me (even though mine were fine). This means, I have been being watched since August. Almost a year now. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
Bluelight, Thank you for your detailed post to me. My experience was identical to yours. I took the advice you gave me and Annette’s. I’ve made a lot of changes. I’m sure there’s a good chance he’ll read this, but he already knows I’ve made changes.
So why am I posting? I’m torn. Where do I draw the line between living my life for me or for staying safe and sound because of him?
I’ve needed all of your guidance, especially the last few days. You read about this stuff happening…and it really does happen. I just can’t believe this type of surveillance has happened on me! The internet and computer activity is the window to our lives. What we do, our accounts, who we communicate, etc. Thankfully I’m pretty boring these days. A lot of Lovefraud, pinterest, news, how to fix up my house. Still….I don’t want to feed him.
I decided to write now because I would love your feedback. Whatever you have to offer. I am also writing now because when I feel torn about a situation, I’ve learned it’s best for my to take my time until I completely feel the decision I’ve made is right for me. I’m hesitating and uncertain which makes me wonder if getting off is the right choice.
Even if I go under a different name and share less, I still think he could put the pieces together. We all share, some of us may think we share little enough that we’re safe. Some of us (me included) think that our posts should be like finding a needle in a haystack. But think about it….how many of our ex’s constantly trolled, were always on electronics, etc? They take their time and will search, search, search. It’s no biggie to them.
I remember #2, saying about #1, when I told him I would search to find out more about him, “If you’re looking into him imagine how much he searches you? Even if he doesn’t find you? I bet he spends hours a day. How pathetic.” And he laughed. Now I know he knows all too well.
H Moon,
I don’t know a thing about websites either. I know that some sites require registration to read what’s in it, but that wouldn’t be much of a deterrent. If some of us here wanted to continue our conversation elsewhere, for example through group emails or a google hangout or a meeting type of thing, that would take the comments off a website accessible to anyone.
Other options to consider might be in person support groups, depending on where one lives. In my area there are various 12 step groups that meet regularly. There are probably abuse survivors’ groups as well.
No More,
If you contact Donna, she may remove your previous posts. It’s worth considering, since you got a message that he knows you’re here.
Annette –
If you notice, I don’t get very specific with personal information in my posts (except for my mistake with that single post earlier today). The incident just bumped my certainty from 99% to 100%.
Since I DON’T CARE what the sociopath does or doesn’t do, I will not let the incident deter me from continuing to read and post on here. I assume it was an attempt to prompt a mention of the incident to confirm my identity.
One downside is that if a spath knows his ex victim is posting here, it feeds his game playing if he knows that his victim is still thinking about him and talking about him. It also keeps him from getting bored due to no contact and moving away from the victim. It keeps his attention.
Hm,
I feel like people nowadays are becoming desensitized…100%
And the youth being exposed to so much more then even I was in the 80’s.
It is scary…
Thoughts… advice… please.
So I opened my facebook page today….
he is blocked.
and there was a certain photo of him…
and facebook wrote me something like….
THIS PHOTO HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM YOUR PHOTOS B/C IT WAS REPORTED AS UNAUTHORIZED!
what the heck?
Yes… I still have photos of he and I in my photos.. you know… the one year long… beautiful relationship we had… I can leave them there if I want to. they are a part of my life. my past.
I THINK one of his kids may have been in the photo… so maybe his exwife or daughter did it?
I immediately just deactivated my account.
no one can contact me d/t RO I had put on him.
why would anyone be looking in my old albums on fb of him? and someone have something in my albums… removed?
he used to have all my passwords. does not now.
last time he left me….
he had my password… which I did not know… and when I woke up…
I OPENED MY FB…. AND ANY TRACE OF HE AND I AND OUR RELATIONSHIP.. PHOTOS… POSTS… TAGS…. WERE GONE!
He made it look like we never happened. to hide from other targets I am sure.
but this? He is on RO and the judge told him that involves social media. and he is blocked. maybe his exwife or kids? but why oh why would they even be looking at my fb? we are not friends or anything on fb.
I am a little scared.
love to all of you.
thank you.
Not sure, but if he is tagged in the photos, and you blocked his profile, it may be an automatic process on the part of FB to remove from your view everything connected to his profile that your profile blocked.
You might want to google how Facebook handles photos tagged with a blocked profile person.
I am pretty sure that when I have blocked a profile on FB that everything disappears automatically – posts by the blocked person, photos tagged with the blocked person, and posts that mention a blocked person.
I don’t think anyone besides FB can make changes or delete things on your profile.
Maybe also someone in that photo blocked you and the photo was removed that way.
Definitely a good move to deactivate your account. You still have access to everything in it.
Does anyone else have your password?
Kitty
Agin I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t believe it has anything to do with you blocking anyone. I too had a simillar thing done. My pictures of him were removed. I however didn’t have him connected to my account what so ever. As far as I knew he never had an account. ( he does but that’s a secret I found out much much later). I never knew what the heck that was about! Your post just confirmed things for me. Because I had a folder of him and me. And it was erased like I never existed. It’s clear to me he doesn’t want people to know I exist. More and more odd things have happened as well. I emailed Facebook and am currently waiting for a response. I did change my password but now I’m thinking I will delete the account. These people. Isn’t it enough you have hurt us? Let us live our lives.
I’m so sorry Kitty and bullfight that you have experienced this. I had deactivate my Facebook account while we were together in Oct. I was still able to log in and see stuff and deactivate again if I wanted to. After we broke up, I would occasionally log in to check stuff out. I could see his account because we were still “friends”. Last time I logged in was for only on for 2 minutes and he deleted me during that time. Wen I questioned him he said it must’ve been on Fb’s end. Now I know how he was able to delete during the 2 minutes I was on before deactivating again. He was watching me on my computer! I was not crazy.
Not like it matters. I officially deleted every social media account (not just deactivate) 4 months ago.
blue, you don’t need to contact FB. Google search delete FB account and a different site will let you access the link to officially delete. FB makes it hard and makes it look like you can only deactivate.
Kitty,
I’may so sorry, that is messed up, but you did the right thing by deactivating your account. I have since deactivated ALL my social media accounts.
Hang in there!
This too-
The site is not allowing me to respond to your comment. I am so sorry to hear about this. You are not alone. I too have recently been worried. I’m in the process of myself implementing more security measures. Like you said where do you draw the line? I know mine wants me to keep silent. He wants me to be isolated. I see that very very clearly. I also know he had defained my name to those he works with for a fact. People who never met me hate me. It hurts. All of the lies hurt. All of the betrayal hurts. But that is the cost of telling the truth. I now know why I was discarded but I am seeing more and more how he is holding on. That’s why I haven’t heard from him.
He doesn’t need to because he is getting information elsewhere.
I would like to see Dona make this site more secure. Either make it a chat like security or something. I too hesitated to join but I needed to because really it’s invaluable. It’s helped me so much. Again I am so sorry to hear he did that to you. For me he kept on doing all sorts of things while I was going in and out of the hospital. It was friends of mine who also know the technologies that would see warning flags. To be honest he only confirmed it whenever I refused to let him use my i services. My gut screamed no and I actually listened. If you must leave is there a way Dona can give you my email address? So we can keep up conversing? Even if she gives us a safe word or something like that?
I know you can find these posts without having to log in. So my guess is any search for regular folks can too. Not to mention the fancies these guys have. To answer your question when I found out I was still with him. I didn’t know exactly what it was for sure. New items were purchased by a friend while I was actually in surgery. They wanted to see what he was up to. Just remember be safe. But don’t isolate yourself.
bluelight,
I am sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. These people are so messed up. Why do we have to go through this and take so many safety measures because of what they’ve caused? I feel like a child screaming, “IT’s NOT FAIR!”
I know my ex wants me to stay silent, which is why according to him I am “sick” and “need serious help.” It seems that yours has tried to silence you by spying. I can’t say the same for mine. 10 months of watching me without my knowing for sure, only suspicions. Why does he even care what I’m up to? In his eyes I’m pathetic. Why the need for such control? It’s so sick.
In my heart I know I need to get off of here. I’m not sure there’s a way to communicate beyond this site? Or if Donna would make that possible?
I thought #2 was laying low, which meant no stalking. I prayed for that. Hell, I’m already being stalked from #1. 2 is too many. 1 is too many. How the hell is this happening? How did I let this happen??
This stuff can’t even be made up. I sometimes wonder if this is a reality I’ve made up in my head? Then I look at the proof. I think of what people I trust tell me. My counselor says I’m not crazy. That these things happen, although unfortunate. I realize I’m not crazy, except for the occasional moments.
I’m just so tired. I was getting my strength back up. A little peace. But I am so so tired. So tired of this battle. Of being caged without my consent. So tired of feeling like I’m being raped over and over again. I just want peace. I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder anymore. I don’t want to have my suspicions confirmed anymore. I don’t want any of this. I don’t want to be tired….I just want to live fully. Fully and in peace. I am SO OVER this.
Thistoo, you are so right. It’s so not fair. If anything remotely positive can come out of these kind of obnoxious realities it’s that our observations are not paranoid, over the top, nut job analogies. The facts show that we are dealing with morally deranged individuals. I’m learning from everyone’s comments a little bit about security in the technology side. I’m sure that I could make a few adjustments too. I’m not going to try to try to sway your decision about this because you know your situation better than anyone. Whether you decide to make some small adjustments and keep rolling, lay low for a bit, or whatever, feeling safe is important. For me part of my healing process is continuing with my education and networking with others who are like minded. It’s nice to feel useful again and to make even a small difference in other people’s lives. Some have a pretty decent support system in place, so they might do fine walking away. Some not so much. Some may not want to burden or burn others out by being too needy or high maintenance as a friend. That’s what’s nice about this place, – we all have drama imposed on us, so it’s expected. Having a forum to share and encourage has really made a positive difference in my life. Even when I didn’t post much or at all, I learned so much from both the articles and the comments that they spawned. Hope some of this helps.
4LIGHT2SHINE.
I cant believe how much you just helped me… by summing up…. in TWO WORDS….oops… three…
what truly happened to me. what I was truly with….
A
MORALLY DERANGED INDIVIDUAL.
Bada Bing! Bada Boom!
that is it. that is why NOTHING MADE SENSE.
that is why.. I kept going back when I heard his words and saw his tears and felt his passion…. and believed him when he held my hand so tight in the car… with tears coming down his face b/c of a song that reminded him of when he almost “lost me the last time”.
Can I ask you all something?
Yes… b/c of my MORALLY DERANGED (lOVE IT FORLIGHT2SHINE!)
I have lost some friends…. luckily not my best ones.
I lost respect from coworkers…..
but….
there is one friend… who is a male.. and I had met him just about the time I met my ex N. it was sad… b/c he and I would talk and have fun… and he is a true, quality person. When he…(Most of my friends are back home.) when he would take me to an Alanon meeting…. or tell me this dude was a no good sicko and I needed to get away….
I would believe him in the moment.
then… when alone…
good looking firefighter… on my doorstep…. crying about how much he cant live without me.
Id fall right back in.
well… in front of this friend now… as well as a few others.. I ACTUALLY DO NOT EVEN FEEL WORTHY OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP….
because they were all SO RIGHT…. and SO CONCERNED.
this particular friend… contacted my best girlfriend of 30 years back home…. and said…. “I can’t get Megan away from this guy… but I think you should know he is not safe… and I as her friend am worried.”
My friends say it was like a hostage or cult situation.
I feel I do not even deserve these beautiful people now.
do I tell this to them? THEY CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY WHY WHY I was going back… that I DID believe them… I trusted them…
but that a MORALLY DERANGED, NARCISSISTIC, EVIL INDIVIDUAL WAS ON THE MAKE WITH ME…. and played me like I play piano each day. with joy… ease…effortlessness.
I look like a stupid, selfish bitch who shut her friends out.
I SWEAR TO GO THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
do I still deserve these people to be my friends?
4light2shine,
I agree with what you posted. Thank you. Me too my health and understanding had been through educating and networking. It’s helped me understand really what was being done. The absurdities. The gas lighting. It has also confirmed it all just as you said. I also agree with morally deranged. Sincerely he was not equipped with a moral compass. It was left out of the womb I guess.
Thank you so much for your post. It’s put things into a perspective today.
Kitty,
I know how you are feeling. I’ve been there and there are times too I get there. I mean going in and out of the hospital and he refused to be there, holidays, would set me up just to silence me. But I always believed him. I always believed his promises. I must have looked like an idiot. Like a self absorbed idiot. But you know what? I’ve had that conversation with some friends. Even with my doctor this past week and everyone said the exact same thing. That’s part of the abuse. The mere fact we are brainwashed to the extent that that happens. We wanted to believe this person had a soul. Had morals. Had a heart and they proved they didn’t. Over and over. When you love someone it’s simple. You treat them with kindness and love. That isn’t fakeness. That’s not lying. Or cheating. It’s with dignity and respect. If they are really your friends they have already understood. Like your friend who reached out to your older friend. She may not understand 100%, but she understood the strong hold this guy had. That’s the abuse.
I too have recently deactivated my Facebook. And accounts.
He is clearly getting some info about my health somewhere ( the joys of it coming back around), and people knowing people over here. Now if he would just give me my pets remains I could call it a day and fully accept.
But in these times try not to blame yourself. You did the best you could then and if your friends judge you- they aren’t good friends to be around. You deserve to be loved and supported without judgment. With dignity and respect. And not by the morally deranged! We are so much more than McDonald’s paper bags!
Hi Kittylover.Nice to hear from you. I’m glad if some of my descriptions make sense or work for other people. I’ve borrowed plenty of em from others and I seem to get a kick out of inventing new and sometimes weird ways of describing these freaks.
On friendship I learned an important concept from an old fiend who one time said to me ” I’m trying to be a friend to her ” – now the other person she was referring to was not being her friend, and she knew it. Sometimes friendships are not reciprocal. I read an article that eludes me right now, but the writer helped me to understand that if I was continually asking for more than I was giving to a ‘friendship’ that it really wasn’t reciprocal. That’s perfectly fine too as there are a lot of factors and types of what some call friendships. I know lots of people. Lots. People who I can really, truly count on and trust ? Very few. Funny that this is something that has been weighing on my mind lately, that for the last several years I have been so consumed with my own personal crisis that I haven’t been much of a friend. It was all that I could do to survive. I’m hoping that I can step up my end of the equation and be there for others. Kitty I think the fact that you are asking if you are worthy shows that you are humble and realize that you really got off track as to who and what you were valuing. Hey I’ve done it too. Reminds me of a song – ” everything that glitters is not gold “
Kitty,
My friends and family were concerned about me and very very patient while they could see what was happening, when I kept taking my ex Psychopath back, letting him push my buttons, and neglecting my friends. This went on for several years. Like you, when I ‘woke up’ from under the spell, I realized how off the wall I was acting for so long and what a burden I was to friends and family, and how I neglected my relationship with these people.
Now I am grateful to them and I appreciate how much they care about me, how loyal they are, and their patience and cutting me slack regarding my substandard behavior with respect to my ex Psychopath situation.
I apologized to my friends and family for the things I did that adversely affected them. I didn’t go into a lot of details or try to explain myself. I was brief and I just let them know that I understood their point of view and that I appreciated their concern and patience.
I don’t think that whether you ‘deserve to have these people as friends’ is something you need to consider. They are your friends, they care about you, and that’s just the way it is.
You might briefly tell them that you appreciate their concern, and that you’re glad you’re out of the relationship, and that their concerns turned out to be valid. You can tell them you’re sorry to shut them out. You might consider not going into any more detail, but just focus on going forward and enjoying your friendships. Friends who care about one another are a great blessing.
4Light,
Indeed, morally deranged. Thank you for your response.
I to have found this site an encouraging positive place for me. I went only two days not posting on here after discovering I’ve been being spied on. I needed people to reach out to last weekend and felt alone. It’s hard for me to explain how all of this has made me feel. Ultimately I feel defeated and at a loss right now.
Like you mentioned, I do not want to burden people in my life and come off as too needy or high maintenance. I have a good support system but people just don’t understand. I shared today some with safe people in my life and it made me feel worse. I need an outlet outside of my safe people, and even my counselor at that.
When I get to a place of feeling overwhelmed and outside of myself, which is how I’m feeling now, I’ve recognized it’s best not to make changes or decisions until I feel more settled, regardless if my posts my feed my ex. I plan to take time to make the right decision(s) for me.
I’m feeling worn down today. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I’m accepting the place I’m in and know that maybe even tomorrow I will have more perspective. I always go up after being retraumatized. I’m just having a hard time processing this all today.
Thistoo,
Hi, I have been thinking about you!
The steps Bluelight gave the other night sound good on fixing the security issues.
That is crazy if he has been watching activity since October.
Is there any way to prove this.
Your next step is gonna have to be a restraining order or something….what a nightmare. Are you supposed to just ignore him and let him monitor you? That certainly is isolating.
You’re gonna have to go with your gut, take it one minute at a time…
Mine tried to play a blocking game on me on fb. one month after we got together I deactivated because I was sick of it and didn’t want to see girls comments- he has only females on his.
The blocking game he told me about when I went back on for a week when we broke up. I would never have known because I wasn’t looking at him.
I hate facebook. I hate sociopaths. I pray you get it all straightened out- tight security.
I missed you though!!!!!
I didn’t give the doll away! No way!!
Remember,
How have you been? So happy you kept your DD!!
I realized he wiped my computer in Oct but set up my router/modem in Aug. I’m not sure when he started but I’m realizing sooner than later. It helps me put pieces together, like how he said when we started living together he was going to hire a private investigator to follow me from time to time to look out for #1. He’s always been interested in surveilling me and apparently always has been.
Not sure if I can prove it. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I only have insight from people who know computer stuff in and out and the apple store who are suspicious. Where I live you have to prove you’re in imminent danger to get an RO, at least one longer than a temporary. I’m not sure it would help much anyway?
For now I’m going to work on focusing on me. Have to get past this whole trauma hump. I’m really tired of this shit. It’s time to do me, regardless of what they think and/or are doing. I’ll decide if I’m going to stay on here in time.
Holy crap. I’m a hot mess today. Everything is bringing me to tears. I mean everything! Even happy things. I’m on a crying train. I went to art therapy tonight. The only place I didn’t actually cry today. Go figure!
Guess I need to cry. I was numb this past weekend. So I’m letting the tears flow now! Couldn’t exactly let them flow at work. 🙂