UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
HM,
I’m so glad you like it!
That’s our little Spath survivor song.
It made me cry a little at first listen.
🙂
“Normal” people don’t understand what we went through sometimes. I still hear comments like “you could have stayed friends. Or ” he is still your sons father ” . They just don’t know.
I am feeling so sad right now. and lifeless.
I see my psychologist tonight and she is beginning EMDR therapy with me?
anyone experienced it?
HOW THE HELL DID I FALL INTO THIS?
Kitty,
I’m sorry you are sad…
I’m sad and disappointed and disgusted today myself.
Good luck at therapy.
I haven’t tried that mode yet…
Chin up!
Thistoo,
Thank you for writing even though you are tired.
This week has been a little tiring.
So, I got the chills a bit reading what you said about being an empath and needing downtime and being an introvert!
I have always worked with the public and have always been socialable BUT yes, I always need my down time.
When I met him my 2 friends had just passed and I was staying at my mom’s and I was telling him a few times how I am in battery recharge mode. I was depressed a bit and he acted so caring and kind although too much, and I never got to recharge or heal because it was game-on after hooking up!
The gut the gut- screaming the whole time, but I wanted it I wanted it bad…. you know the song.
In the beginning I remember him getting an attitude or something because I said I was a loner. So weird.
I think I have come to the conclusion that he is a hater. We know how haters are, but he is an under-cover hater. That’s the problem.
How nice the kids performed to that song!
When I had my first surgery I remember looking across the room in pre-op and you could see baby hospital beds, I got so friggin sad and said to my dad about little babies having surgery.
I can’t look at people in car accidents, I turn away and pray for them.
What makes people empaths? Are we born like that like some paths are born that way? I should look that up. Hmmmmm.
Remember,
Do some research on introverts/extroverts. I used to consider myself an omnivert of sorts. The true difference between introverts and extroverts…after a hard day/week do you seek comfort and energy from others or do you need to seek solace to recharge?
Both my spaths needed constant activity/entertainment. At first they would pretend they were happy with my part time “loner” status. They would hang out with me when I needed time away from activity. Both ended up getting bored with that.
Haters, yup. Spath #1 was a hater more than #2, on the surface at least. What a loser!
I get your sadness. When I drive by accidents, people slow down. I pray. I here sirens and I pray.
I wish I knew what made us empaths. I used to consider my sensitivity a curse. I had a therapist for a decade who made me realize that being sensitive was also a blessing and a gift. 8 years into our therapy, I was 26, she told me God had given me a gift. A gift of survival, intuition and insight. Trauma in my life began at the age of 5, at least that’s the first time I can recall. She told me I was a gift from God and that most people wouldn’t survive, at least mentally, from the experiences I had.
At the time I thought that was nice but I didn’t understand:
1. I was spiritual and didn’t believe in God (even though I had gone to church from birth and had good experiences)
2. I didn’t know for 8 yrs my therapist believed in God.
3. In my eyes at the time I decrepitude myself. Everyone has had it hard, right?
I’m going to share a lot right now, because I’m in a mood. But growing up I was suicidal, from the time I was a small child, I wanted and prayed to die. I was hospitalized a couple of times in my teens. I prevailed. Then I was put in a situation of an acquaintance of a best friend who died by committing suicide at 20. I swore I would never try again. And I haven’t. I don’t use never lightly. But I NEVER will try again.
Years later, when I was married, an abuser from my past shot himself in the head and died. It triggered my trauma. I hospitalized myself to stay safe so I wouldn’t harm myself. I did that. On my own. It was when I admitted myself to the hospital that my doctor pulled my ex husband aside. He said “Your wife has been through more than most people should ever go through in a lifetime.”
It hit me then, not everyone had led a life like mine, by the age of 28. We all have struggles. I’ve felt blessed to endure struggles early in hope that I am at peace as I mature, rather than life hit me in my 70’s (which I pray our spaths will have by then or earlier). It is my goal to keep moving forward, despite my troubles. You’ve said it best Remember, “Keep on keeping’ on!” I I LIVE by that.
Now I believe in God. I get what my therapist told me. I found God through mediation at 33. My best year to date.
Lots of sharing here. I don’t worry about #2 reading this. He knows it all and more. After all, he got his hooks in and can use my trauma as me being “crazy.” A crazy person doesn’t seek help for their problems on their own.
I am grateful for you, Remember. For my friends on LF and support. I am grateful for my counselor who encourages me and lifts me up. For my support system. My true friends, my parents who were crappy/absent parents growing up and now support me fully (some people can change!).
Thanks for reading. Guess I needed to get that out. 🙂
So yes, empaths from birth.
Remember,
I read back on my post. Not sure I’ve ever used the word “decrepitude”. I meant devalued. Thanks spell check:)
thisto….
Um… I am ready your post and seeing a ton of similiarities with myself.
when I was a little girl… I could feel other peoples’ pain. I became musical and channeled it that way. I got into acting and was able to so become the part… let’s say Maria in West Side Story….. that I would grieve and get ill when the show was over.
ooops… got to run…. I cant get over your post and I thank you so much for having the courage to be so vulnerable.
hugs and support to you today.
Kitty,
Thank you for your response. Like you, music was my savior (still is)! I religiously drowned myself in it from the time I was 9 until 28. When I felt others pain, or when I was upset I would practice, practice, practice! I had a professor in college who said, “Has anyone told you that you play with anger?” Haha. I had to change some things around because of that. 🙂
At the age of 9 I knew I wanted to be a musician for life. That and help angry people. I wan’t interested in pursuing physiology so I had know idea what that meant for me. Funny because I was a professional flutist for many years. I worked my butt off to do so. Technically speaking, I’m still a professional musician, I just do it in my down time. And even funnier, I’ve been teaching kids/young adults for the past 7 years who have behavioral disorders and autism.
I felt a little nervous about being so vulnerable last night but I felt the need to share.
Thank you for your support. 🙂
thistoshallpass…..
i love it!!!!!! thank you for sharing about your nusic… you are amazing
our posts have shared so much about your life that mirror mine, and your posts have provided some wise and deeply-sought answers to many of my why questions. I thank you for posting with vulnerability; we never know how our personal story will help someone else. I wanted to tell you that you have helped me.
neveragain,
Thank you for sharing this. It gives me comfort that my story has helped you in some ways. Our lives…what mysterious things. And yet here we are, bonding together after encountering these monstrous people. On top of so much life has already dealt us. I may not know your story, but considering you can relate to me, my heart goes out to you. I’m here for you. Thank you for being here for me.
Hugs to you!
Thistoo,
Awww, thank you for sharing that. See, I feel your emotions.
He used that on me. He would lay on my bed and cry, because his kids were gone, she took his kids. I thought he was sad. He should be an actor- oh yea, he is, he closes phone sales. Acts ALL day long.
Mine would sit around with me. He didn’t want to go socialize much, only go eat or shopping. Lol. He isolated me, but in a covert way.
My ex best friend tried to commit suicide a few times as a teen, she was traumatized as a kid and as I mentioned before she became a drug addict of the worst kind.
Crazy people don’t go to help themselves on their own. I love that. I believe it to be true.
I was into meditation and spirituality for a while when I met him, and among my peer group alot of them were posting and claimi g certain beliefs, but yet, if I look at them, they don’t really act that way. It all became too confusing. My ex best friend too, we would go to reiki and she would trash the reiki instructor and hate on everyone. She got real bad, and I was dealing with her AND the spath, and my own needs.
He tried to act all spiritual too, but it was all a hoax. He would meditate with me and listen to stuff I told him about, but no way, it was all fake! My then therapist said oh yes, there are alot of weirdo’s in the spiritual commu ity.
I don’t do alot of the things I used to do anymore, like meditate and go to reiki, I went back to basics, and just talk with God. 🙂
To answer your question- after work or going out I need my down time my alone time, 100%
Life is crazy, what a ride it’s been. Today I thought ugh, hu anity sucks, so many poor addicts and disordered people having kids, the poor kids.
I had to shake that negative vibe off of me. I asked God to please take the bad thoughts from me.
I thought when I die, who will care? There are people who care. There are people I must accept wouldn’t care though. It’s hard accepting heartless people.
Remember,
Thank you for reading what I shared and for your response. Yes it is so hard accepting heartless people! I hate path #2 especially for preying on me while I was being stalked and using my past against me. After I have worked so hard to live!!
For the record, even thought I don’t know you more than this site. I would care if you died. You are a special person. You know you are. 🙂
I am so sorry about your friend. There are people who have problems and strive for the best and there are people who would rather bring down others with them. I think more often than not, people with pasts and problems bring people down, which is why it’s easy for my ex to use his nugget of truth about me to others.
It makes me sad why your “friend” chose that path. What divides us? How is our path determined? At what point do we make the choice to live, live for us and/or to forsake others? Or live just selfishly?
With my spaths, I stopped meditating, running, etc. I stopped doing the things I loved. I’m starting to do those things again. I still play my flute at churches. #2 would come when we were together and even said that he would attend church with me if I found one I could commit to. Sure…….or he would and I’d pay the price. How they molded to us!
What a ride, indeed. I get your thinking about others and the system bringing you down. I see it daily in my work. But then I think of all the good people are doing too, you know?
I’ve come to the point of good vs. bad. In my profession I see people who seem “good” and yet I know they are harmful.
It’s up to us to make a difference. We think of our lives as insignificant. We’re not. We understand good from bad. I am committed to making a difference in all ways possible. AKA, fuck the poor addicts and disordered people having kids. I totally what you are saying! It weighs on me too.
I know some kids as a product of those situations and it provides me the opportunity to help, even if in small ways. You may be in a different position, but you know life and kindness. Think of all the people you help, just by being there. By understanding, with your empathy….that may help ease some of your discomfort with humanity.
That said, humanity is making me sad. Although, we are proof good exists. I want to do so much for others. I’m realizing it starts with me. Taking better care of myself (I’m not there yet), being there for me. I know there’s not much I can do until I’m here for me, loving me, being first in my life. Than the rest will follow…
Thistoo,
Yes, it starts with us. That’s what this is all about I guess.
Loving ourself, taking care of ourself, setting boundaries (big lesson) with lovers, friends, family, co workers. Geez. Everyday we have to observe ourselves.
And value ourselves, and know that we are worth normal, mutual relationships.
I never got to the point of settling into our relationship with him, I guess because it was fake, but normally you would settle in and be comfortable with it.
Oh no, none of that. I remember looking at him in the grocery store and having a feeling of sadness, a feeling that he wasn’t really mine- or with me, for lack of better wording.
Guess it was his inability to bond with anyone. I guess I could see his fake facade, but I kept going, off to never never land.
Little by little I have rearranged my whole apartment and upgraded it. It is officially spath free, like he was never here (except a side table) because I love furniture. Loll
Oh I do plan to reschedule with the new therapist.
I want to ask Kitty if she likes hers just incase…
Well, good night my friend, sleep well, and our puppies!!
Mine is dragging her bed by me now. Lol
Remember and Kitty,
I’m also wondering about the EMDR therapist. How’d it go??
I saw a trauma/EMDR therapist for a few years. When we were about to embark on the EMDR, which was going to be quite the process because of so much trauma for years, I found myself separated and going through divorce. It wasn’t the right time.
I had a friend who watched her dog get hit by a car and die. EMDR did wonders for her. She swears by it!
emdr was greay
remember
you mentioned something in this post about being a store and looking at him feeing like he wasn’t with you. i had that feeling or similar to it..
when i had all the warning signs that he was off his rocker at the very beginning, i ignored them because he was with me and i thought “hmm ok i guess I’m paranoid”. i would look at him and think “is he really with me and is this what a two timer behaves like?” he was so normal, going about everyday chores it was impossible he was a liar and two timing, and going under alias names as i had discovered..
but i also remember hearing that these types like to live on the edge, are restless and nomadic and like the idea of not being in the same place too long…when we were together he had to visit me where i live..to him this was probably part of the ‘restless” side of him, because he was out of his own comfort zone and doing something considered edgy to most normal people (that would be flying to another country, being with one of the many women he loved and most probably cheating behind someone else who thought he belonged strictly to her, as i thought)…but i would ignore it all and look at him doing normal everyday life tasks and convince myself he isn’t anything i thought the red flags suggested..
sorry lol i think i got away from the point of your post!!!
Annette
I truly like your statement “nice people are nice all the time “. In my over 20 years marriage I can probably count on one hand when my ex was nice to me. He usually woke up with hate in his eyes, wth dislike that I wAs his wife, not appreciating anything, his home , his family, his life. I think the only time he was “happy” in his own ways was when he watched his porn or took picture of himself.
And in the divorce he took it to the highest level of nastiness . Divorce is never easy, divorcing a narcissust takes to levels you would not imagine. Whenever the mistress got mentioned I was threatened to lose my job, or whatever his lawyer cane up with. My lawyer was able to use all of his claims to our advAbtage. “Well if she is so mentally unstable she is in need of higher alimony as she cannot fully support herself .”
It was just a nightmare. But I survived it. Like I said before if God is for us who can be against us. My ex stood no chance to “win”. I still think of him as satans worker.
Why would I want to talk to him now ? He lied for 20 years and will definitely not tell the truth now. Instead the gas lighting and crazy making would just continue in a different way. He can find new minions who can put him on his “throne ” and worship his Cpt America status.
You guys are right about nice people being nice. See, that’s where the confusion comes in I guess, when he said it’s just because he’s mad or I scared him because I would break up with him.
There was always a reason. When I get mad I don’t call people curse words and dispicable names.
Reading what i’m saying, it sounds silly like a no brainer.
He showed me a Christmas card from his ex after she left with the kids, he said to show me there were no hard feelings. The card was really gray rock to me, it simply read, X, the kids wanted to send you a Christmas card. In 2014 I hope you find happiness. K.
Then he had to lie about how he got the card, because he supposedly moved after she left, so did she know his new address? but really they all lived right there together so she sent it to her address.
I do not know why he lied about them not living there from day 1.
Everything went around that lie because it sprung up other lies to cover that lie. I had no reason at first not to believe him. Why would you lie about that? If she left you she left you, what does it matter that ypu all were living at this place?
I guess because he tries to act like he is money man and that place was dumpy, and 1 bedroom for 4 people and a dog?
He told me I work in the financial markets when we met. He works at a nice call center and closes sales.
Fake. Fake. Fake. And on and on the lies went.
remembertofrget…..
If I had only read a post like yours a year ago. IT IS EXACLTY WHAT HE DID TO ME AND WHY I KEPT TAKING HIM BACK.. which is what my friends do not understand. He was “scared” or “insecure” thinking I would break up with him….
that is why he acted out.. but he wants me and he wants us to work and ten times a day, “Do you love me Megan?”
I was paying his bills. letting him stay with me rent free. letting him use my car. nurturing him. supporting him. having sex and cooking like crazy… taking care of his kids as if they were my own… (WHen he had to see them…)…
and yet… he would say he was INSECURE?
He was insecure….BECAUSE HE WAS A LYING WHORE.
When he was asking me ten times a day… texting me.. messaging me “Do you love me?”
WHAT HE WAS REALLY SAYING WAS…..
“HAVE YOU CAUGHT ME IN OR GOTTEN ANY TIPS OF MY EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES YET?”
He was checking his meal ticket stance. He was living under my roof and would be homeless any second if I found out he was wearing a mask of love and sanity.
I AM SOOOOO ANGRY AT GOD… AT HIM…. AT LIFE… AT MYSELF… FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT I DID NOT KNOW. For addressing all concerns and doubts and suspicions with him… and having me tell me… taking me a sunset on a pier on a beach in fla just 5 weeks ago…. looking me in the eye and saying, “Megan.. no person or situation could ever come between us. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I put my arms around my big guy…. and I literally looked at the pink sky and thanked God for this beautiful man and for his love and for this being real… that I was just paranoid.
two days later….
I got the pocket dial of him being sexually and emotionally intimate with another woman after he had just texted me. “Baby… I am at Dr’s Appt. I LOVE YOU.”
how am I even alive after experiencing such pure… deliberate cruelty…. and being taken advantage of.. like candy from a baby?
Help me Lord. Please.
sometimes this is so painful… that I feel death would be better. No… I am not suicidal. I do not want to die.
It’s the absolute worst feeling to have been betrayed. You will feel better.
The 10x/day texts asking if you love him, was also training you and hypnotizing you. He was not so much asking you as he was telling you that you loved him. Constant reminders to drill that into your head so you would be loyal to him and act in ways that are beneficial to him. It is a kind of hypnotic suggestion. The constant demands on your mind kept you from thinking about things, from reflecting, and from making your own decision as to whether you love him or not. Maybe you would not have chosen to fall in love with him, if he had left that decision up to you.
and let you make the decision to love him based on a longer time of getting to know him and how he acts in a variety of situations, getting to know his friends and family. The purpose of love bombing/hypnosis/mind control is to hook the victim before she has a chance to think about things and consider what is best based on reality. Spaths hide the reality of what they are and what they want and how they really feel about their victims until the victims are hooked.
I will never understand that- ehat are they hiding? That they are bad and can’t reciprocate love?
Uggh.
Just go be a swinger and a freak. Why have us?
Anette,
That’s exactly what he did to me also.
And when I was left alone- rarely- I did try to reflect and contemplate, leaving me confused or wanting to break up.
Why do they do that?
I don’t think any normal human being can ever really understand why spaths do what they do. I understand that they are motivated to get what they want by exploiting others, that they don’t care if their choices harm others, that they enjoy the power and control they get from hurting people, that they don’t want to use their strength to serve others, that they don’t value truth, honesty, reliability; that they don’t want the rewards that come from being a person of good character, and they don’t want the fulfillment from caring for and being loyal to their wife and children. It doesn’t bother them to lie and harm others. They like to get others to give them things they haven’t worked for, and to do things for them that they want, without returning favors. They are sexual deviants who want all kinds of weird things that have nothing to do with monogamous love and commitment to a woman. They don’t want to be what the general definition of a good man is. It just does not appeal to them.
Understanding what motivates a spath helps predict what they will do and say, but it’s still a mystery why they want what they want and don’t want what they don’t want.
omg ANNETTE…..
holy shite…..
YOU ARE SOOOOOO RIGHT.
my therapist said he used mind control… but I had no idea what she was talking about. he did not wave a watch on a chain in front of my face…
and then…. give you the most amazing romance and love making…. add some oxytocin….
a cocktail for a Charles Manson of a lover.
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT??///
isn’t it true… and I KNOW THAT IT IS…
these men PREFER… intelligent, independent, extroverted, kind, talented women.
we are more of a challenge and a trophy. something to earn. something to give them that adrenaline rush for wish they live…..
I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT to my friends and coworkers and family, but in reality…..
HE WOULD NOT HAVE GONE FOR ANY OF THEM!!!!
THEY HAVE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH BEING PREY.
My bestest friend who feels badly for me…. was in the Mormon church growing up… got married to a Mormon at 21…. had kids… 800,000 house…. never had to work. She got lucky… and the boy she met at temple is wonderful (tho addicted to his religion and brainwashed)….. and has been a wonderful hus and friend.
my friend is as talented and attractive as myself…. but she was never OUT THERE ALONE.
Can someone please please tell me how and why I am actually NOT an idiot for falling for this evil spell?
Hell.. mine has been with docs and lawyers…
I have a high IQ myself…. tho maybe it has dwindled… b/c if I were so smart…. I would never have stayed with a man who had a reputation as a womanizer…. but was telling me… I changed all that for him. I was THE ONE HE WANTED TO BE WITH AND COMMIT TO. hE CRIED ON MY COUCH. He was tired of sleeping around. I had everything he needed in one package.
and you know what is really sick>
HE WAS RIGHT.
I am special.
I act, sing, dance, model, take care of dying people and love the hell out of them.
so he was not wrong in saying he’d leave all the other women behind for the bucket of gold he found in me.
love you all.
Kitty….
What spaths do is against the rules, it is wrong. Lying, cheating, betrayal, is wrong.
You’re not to blame for another person’s wrong choice to exploit you. Deception is a trick to make you do things you would not do if you knew the truth. The decisions you made and the things you did make sense if his lies had been true.
Spaths take advantage of our good traits – trust, loyalty, honesty. These traits work very well in relationships with normal nice people.
Another factor is the modern tendency to avoid judging people, to be overly open minded, to give everyone a chance, and the acceptability of sex outside marriage or serious commitment. A couple of generations ago, a woman was probably warned more than today that there are bad men and bad people in the world; and advised not to give her assets of her time, her resources, etc. to people who are not worthy. It is just not in vogue these days to label anyone ‘bad’ based on his bad behavior.
Due to measurable physiological differences between men and women, it harms women more often to have a sexual relationship that ends; whereas men more often are not bothered. Sex outside a committed relationship that will last, is good for men but not so good for women.
Women are not encouraged by society to end a relationship when a man makes them feel bad repeatedly. Women are generally encouraged to be patient, to give the benefit of the doubt, etc.
In my experience, lack of education is more of a problem in protection against spaths, than lack of self esteem.
And the expectation that a man be a provider and protector is not in vogue either. So women end up doing all the work in relationships and households. Women do not always recognize the lack of contribution to the relationship. Spaths tend to manipulate relationships where they are the child and the victim is the parent, with respect to their needs, including unacceptable needs, being met while the spath contributes nothing but word salad.
I understand 100%
I thought death would be better. I felt like I had sold my soul to the devil. It got so bad with his lies and crazy-making I self-harmed once.
I did that when I was young before. He took me that far back or down.
I ended up at the hospital because the wait for a new Dr. would have taken weeks- so I went in to get on some antidepressants.
I had to, I got down to 95lbs.
I have since gained 10lbs. It’s been 2 months n a few weeks.
Some days are like this for me. Ugh
remember
congrats on the weight gain! that means your body is slowly regaining its normal ways..
when i get stressed as well, i suppose the anxiety makes my adrenaline work overtime and i lost a heck of a lot as well, i had to gain it back it wasn’t a healthy place for me..
i understand how your days become saddened and miserable…
two months is not long at all hon, wow, i remember my two month point..and when i look back 8 months ago at your point, i too, was sad all of the time, it preoccupied my thoughts daily…
when they say NC works, does it ever…it must do something to the brain by making the obsessive thoughts dwindle. its a tough thing to do but what helped me along i suppose was my ex was not contacting me when i went NC..i don’t know if he had at that point how i would handle it…i just thank god he was busy telling his new wife how much he “loved” her, because it gave me my healing time…
he did contact after four months though and i hadn’t known he would…its been up and down since then for me with several hoovers from him, and finally blocked him from any contact…i have days where i feel like contacting him, but he is the type that may perhaps read what i wrote to him, but if he isn’t in the frame of mind to write back, he won’t…it could be either an immediate response or take months, depends when he feels he needs me and wants to discard his wife, who has no clue about the alter personality he has… when he hoovers he claims i am his wife and she is a disgusting scum of a woman…nice huh? i don’t know if that part is typical of a sociopath, but it is a serious symptom of something mentally incorrect that is for sure..
so NC became fairly easy for me, because i won’t wait around for a horrible man like that…
JD,
Thank you.
It’s been two months since I broke nc with him and got on medicine. It has helped.
It’s been a month since I closed the email account- so no more ways to contact me.
Yes, that back and forth with his new wife being great and then being awful and telling you that…Not normal at all.
I guess I am still going through the motions.
kittlylover
i share with you your pain..it is probably one of the worst feelings i have ever dealt with that i can imagine…hearing him say and confess how much he loves someone else over the phone!
that was probably your sign from above for you to learn at that moment, what was ahead for you…sometimes i seriously believe in situations like that. how many times can a person say, they discovered their bf or husband is having an affair by being pocket dialled? wow….truly amazing…i wish i had proof to fall in my lap..
mine had left me a week after being together with him on vacation. he had been acting strange and hadn’t contacted me since he returned home from our vacation and when i heard from him, he told me he was leaving in a few short weeks to another country to marry the woman he loved…
in your case, he can’t deny what you heard him say and with time ( and the healing process can be long). you will see what scum these kind of ppl are…it pisses me off listening to your story because it just reminds me of my similar situation…
who has the heart to be with/or tell someone how much they mean to them and turn around within a minute and text another person how much they mean to them as well…???
seriously a person can’t be in love with two people like that. its all a game to them…i wonder how many times a day they are telling ppl they love them
i can say to you its been 10 months, its been long, but if i can keep all the bad and ugly thoughts about him, up front in my head, and think of them when i get down, it slowly turns me off about what kind of seriously mentally unstable person he is..how our time together was all about him and it was fake everything he confessed to me about our future together..slip into a bathroom and text his next victim about how he can’t wait to be with her forever and then slip out of the bathroom and resume things with me…i thought these things only happened in movies…!!
Remember,
My ex P was hiding his true motivations, because no one chooses to be exploited, used, abused, and lied to. Spaths are predators who hide their dangerousness to their victims behind a mask of caring about their victims’ well being.
My spath knew the rules and he could have chosen to follow them. He was not incapable of love, to the extent that love is a series of actions. Most people are inspired by love to some degree, but most relationships (romantic, parent-child, friendships, etc.) also require doing things one doesn’t feel like at the time, for the greater goal of making life better for everyone in the long run. My ex spath made a conscious choice to prey on me and my son (and his first wife and her children, and on at least one woman after my tenure with him), because he wanted to appear a certain way to certain people in a culture that is important to him. He was not incapable of choosing otherwise, and he was not incapable of fulfilling his wedding vows to either of his wives.
Spaths and other abusers claim that they are incapable when they don’t feel like even trying to do something they don’t feel like doing at the moment. It’s just one of many tactics they use. I noticed that my ex P would try to claim he was unable, if that didn’t work he’d try another tactic, if that didn’t work, he’d try something else – lie, bully, change the subject, twist reality, blame me, blame someone else.
My ex P memorized and recited from time to time the entire fifth chapter of Matthew, which is the first part and most of the sermon on the mount. He knows right from wrong very very well.
Remember.
His ex wife can be glad that she left. They are liars. Lying is a natural thing for them and they believe their own lies. I caught my ex constantly and I had proof like pictures and stuff and he still lied about it. I really felt like a hamster in a wheel, just running but not getting anywhere with him . I know for sure that my ex told the co worked what a crazy b**** I am. They have to protect themselves from exposure. That’s one thing that gets to them. Being ignored or being exposed, being humiliated, thrown of their pedestals. My therapist said that was number one reason I was so suddenly discarded. Because I found out the truth , his weaknesses , his dark secrets , his hidden life outside the family. It would be just too exhausting for him and even impossible to undo the exposure. So a discArd is most convenient and let’s him stay in control of power and abuse. “You are just so crazy, leaving was my only option.”
I put an end to this control with the filing of the divorce. When he was served the petition for divorce I received a message “what did you do that for””.
Unbelievable. We can only focus on our recovery. We should not worry about ex wife’s, new wife’s, new girlfriends. That does pertain to out emotional wellness. And that is what matters most. US and nothing else.
awedome post kaya. i so relate
i eill have to extend my RO. bc i am the first eoman to expose him both socially and when the fire dept called me i told them truths about him. the fire cheif ORDERED that mu R O be deliverd to him in HER OFFICE i did not plan in that happening….. nor did i aim at humiliating hum. just protecting myself. one of the smartest thingsvive ever done. how humiliating for him however and i can only imagine his fantasies of what he eill do to me when my RO ends in two months. hes 46 years old and has gotten away with murder for 12 years which includes having sex with me and other women inside the fire station when no one was there. And in cars in the parking lot while he’s on duty. The fire department said they suspected but never had evidence. i really think he will kill me if he can
Kitty,
Take yourself seriously when you say that you think he would kill you if he could. Be very careful. Consider what he might do and when and where. Would he use a fire some way? I don’t want to alarm you, but when your intuition tells you something about his motives, it’s worth listening.
Consider that the RO won’t stop him from doing anything. It will just change the way he would go about it.
Have you done Gavin deBecker’s free risk assessment questionaire?