UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Thank you,
He lied right to me when there was proof too. The whole relationship. He had me going after the McGuffin.
I was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, trying to get a real answer.
I tortured myself. I hate him, maybe I hate me.
Seriously, I broken someone’s heart before, but not tortured them or deliberately hurt them.
I am too sensitive to bad people, yet i’ve associated with so many of them my whole life.
It’s just hard to un-do my old beliefs. Growing pains maybe?
I really cannot get over how almost every time I read a post here I think it is something I have written because it sounds exactly like what I am going through. It says if we have all been with the same evil spirit and as if we are all the same kind hearted loving spirit
I believe there is a spiritual component, and a purpose for life beyond the physical realm.
Remember
So true. I never understood that part . I think they need us fir convenience, to have power and control over us, for image purposes. It would be su much easier for them to stay single , have prostitutes or casual sex, be a pervert . I think they get satisfaction out of abusing us. My ex was so distorted that he was laughing when I got hurt it was in pain. No empathy. I was a great convenience for him until the day I became an obstacle. Then I was an option. How sad is this. I moved around the world with this man because he was in the army, I gave up friends , jobs and places I liked to live. Only to he discarded when I got “too old and boring ” for him. I don’t want a man like this, coward and selfish. No way.
Kaya,
“I was a great convenience for him until the day I became an obstacle” is one of your best comments ever. So true.
I am so tired of word salad. I try to laugh, but really I am just… tired. I am keeping grey rock and minimal contact, but there is so much word salad tossed my way I just want to go relax in the hot tub and listen to silence.
No Wool,
I hope you can have some silent time in a hot tub somewhere! Maybe there is a way you can not hear/read his word salad, or save it up for when you’re up to it, and read/listen to it. Exposing yourself to his word salad might be less harmful to you if you have a trusted friend with you to share the reading/listening.
Thanks Annette – I will try. We are escalating because of a significant date. I think if things blow up it will be this weekend. I don’t dare relax in the hot tub, at least not this weekend. I can’t completely ignore the word salad because of the minor children, there might be information about them mixed in that I need to know.
Prayers for it to be over soon, and the outcome in your favor as much as is possible.
I wanted so much to expose my at work because they had sex during nightshifts on closets of the jail, in the car etc. they are both cops working in the jail .
Instead my lawyer said I should focus on myself, exposing them would hurt my alimony alwarx and he was right.
Now he can have sex with all the female cops, fireman, correction officers, anyone. Because we are divorced now and I don’t care. He did it while we were married and I am sure he is still doing it now.
Kitty,
Mine cried and cried. I fed right into that shit trying to help him and make him feel better!!!!!!!
He didn’t dangle a watch in front of me either- and I am considered street wise from growing up here and hanging around party people in the past.
HA! Lot of good that did me. I wore blindes
Oops- I wore blinders, I fell in.
You are so right Annette…they cannot be good husband..they don’t care about anyone but themselves. My ex always felt superior to other people. He was arrogant and grandiose. Even when he worked in Army hospital where they did doctors performed even heart transplants…they were all idiots, dumb idiots. Only he was the smartest, best looking, sexiest soldier. Yuck.
After he retired it just carried on to the “civilian” world. Now his cop co workers, his bosses, the sheriff, they were all idiots. I guess they were good enough for affairs and sex.
They are also lousy fathers. While my ex was not abusive to his son, he had checked out mentally of his family duties. When my son was telling him something from school, he never listened…he was absent minded, only interested in his porn.
Thinking back there was nothing good about him. He provided for me and that was about it. Once I became the obstacle, then he stopped all financial contribution and I was on my own with the son. Now he had other obligations, cruises, dinners, trips etc…
It is amazing that I am free of this drama now. Sometimes I wake up and I am in awe that I have my life back. And I thank God for taking him away.
And please to the person who is upset with God. You don’t see his work, his plan sometimes..we have to be patient, in the end you will have victory. Believe me. I prayed and prayed but I did not know that I prayed for the wrong things. Sometimes God does not agree with what we pray for. He has a much better plan. Stay strong and never lose hope. Without hope we do not have a future.
“I prayed and prayed but I did not know that I prayed for the wrong things.”
I learned a long time ago to stop trying to tell God what to do. I now believe that is why I ended up in this situation in the first place. Lesson learned, the hard way.
Consider that abusing his son’s mother, divorcing her, cheating on his marriage, doing porn, are all acts that are extremely abusive to his son.
Nomore,
Hang in there. Peaceful thoughts for the upcomming date.
Lay low as best you can!
I’m sure they try to mix in kid stuff if they really wanna get ya.
:/
Kaya,
I think you’re right it may be for power and control.
Maybe prostitutes and casual sex isn’t just enough, they want that one woman waiting for them, revolving around them, pining away for them.
The prostitutes just get paid and go home.
Thank you Annette.
You are absolutely right. Thanks for reminding me that he was indeed abusive to his son. Always value you great advice.
It is very much in vogue these days to believe that a parent can cheat on his/her spouse and/or leave a marriage for just about any reason, and still be a good parent. In my view, breaking one’s marriage vows is a betrayal of a person’s entire family, and harms everyone – spouse and children, as well as extended family. It creates difficult relationships that are not easy to deal with.
Anette,
Wow I have realized this agree very much.
Thank you for taking the time to write that post.