UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Don’t feel bad about believing these outrageous lies. I did the same. I believed the craziest stuff. Thinking about it now is like “omg how did I believe this ? ”
Because I wanted to believe his crap, I wanted to see the good in him that I hoped for, I wanted to keep my marriage intact. All wrong reasons. Che laughed about me with his coworker. “See how stupid this crazy wife of mine is, she believes all my lies.”
Only when I removed myself by iniatating and remaining in no contact with him, did I not believe his stupid lies any longer. All of a sudden I knew that everything out of his mouth was worthless. Just lies and betrayals.
We can be so happy we are not at the receiving end of these deceits anymore. There is nothing good about them. No good looks, no charm, no money. Nothing his worth being with those evil monsters.
Thistoo,
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
I won’t get into it now but, my 6 1/2 yr bf isn’t an angel either like everyone thinks. My whole family loves him, and he did kinda come to support me after this spath, I broke his heart but he left me alone to be with psycho.
Anyways, i’ve recently been realizing that he was a form of emotionally abusive to me.
He stonewalled me for 6 years!!!!!!!!!! That’s why I finally left after trying endlessly to fix.
Anyways, how was your last few days? How is it going with all the security issues? How have you been feeling about all that?
Remember,
Isn’t is strange to start realizing that a person you thought was kind was actually an abuser of sorts? My family LOVED my ex husband. In fact, when I moved in with my parents my dad told me to “fix it”. Then he started reading the emails and seeing things. Now my ex is not allowed to have a name in my family. He is referred to as “Asshole.” Nothing more. Hahaha. My dad came up with that one. 🙂
I’m sorry about your ex. Share more when you want, I’m here!!!
How have I been? Hmmm. This was my last day of school. I’m now on summer break. I’m not feeling great about it…at the moment. Worried that I’ll be in my head too much. So I’ve done something my secluded self doesn’t normally do…I’ve made plans for the next week! And I’m actually looking forward to my social events. I’m even looking forward to going to the DMV!
Security is so so. My computer is still jacked. I’m taking it in AGAIN this week. It’s only over a year old. I just hope they give me a new one. Whatever is happening is not good. What kind of corrupt software can cause this much damage? I mean, they’ve practically replaced my computer with all the fixing they’ve done. I don’t get it. I’m not trusting my computer right now.
I’m still not feeling in the clear. No unknown calls or unknown texts with no messages for the past few days, so that’s something. Hopefully it’s all over now. Haven’t heard from #1 and it’s anniversary time!!! 🙂
How’re you??? I’ve seen you posting today and have read some but it’s hard to keep up. Especially when I’m in my own head.
I thought I was in a good marriage, aside from no fighting and no sex. I thought the bad divorce was him handling it poorly, although ultimately it was his doing. Realizing I was abused, which I was and it’s sinking in, has rocked my world!!!
Remember,
You don’t have to share right now…if you feel like sharing I’d like to know how your “nice” ex stonewalled you?
Why do we attract this??
My social worker neighbor asked me why I attracted my spaths? She reminded me of the work she’s in. I consider her a friend, despite her question, and she keeps me safer and stays on guard for me. Still, I was offered by her question because she implied it was because of issues I may have (she doesn’t know about my past). I stuck up for myself and told her “This is NOT MY doing, they SOUGHT ME out.” I went on to say I am a nice, caring and vulnerable person. I told her I respect her profession but in NO WAY will I take responsibility for THEIR actions and their pursuit of me. I saw something click in her. She questioned me no more. Felt good.
Remember,
Reading my long post to Annette on here, I viewed it as an outsider. Could my ex husband have been a spath?
1. Narc tendencies
2, Nice/charismatic guy
3. He had control of me
4. He discarded me and left me with nothing, although he promised he would take care of me emotionally/financially (the day before he said he wanted a divorce)
5. He ruined my reputation with everyone but my close few friends and family
I don’t want to read into things, you know? I’m just trying to make sense of this. Not every bad person is a spath.
Thistoo,
When I read your post back to Anette I thought hmm, he sounds off.
There was definitely something going on there. Not wanting sex isn’t healthy, controlling money and you…not healthy.
Ok, my ex was the story I was gonna tell you a while back lol
He was so cute, he didn’t play games, he would call or come over every day. He is not a smooth talker, not so articulate, he is bi-lingual but speaks spanish to his widow mom all day…
He had a house right near me. He owns it, but it’s him, his mom and older brother. Toxic. Yellers, controllers, arguers.
He moved in with me I think the 1st month. I was in love he was great but had a BAD temper.
He wouldn’t yell at me, but at everything!! He had no patience and got mad at drivers, putting something together etc.
Quit drinking before he met me, still doesn’t. Loyal, no friends really just with him his mom and brother in their crazy world.
Stonewalling:
I tried n tried to help him, his anger, guilt, ofhis past…dad got hit by a bus on a bike (that he gave him) and died. Dad was an ABUSER!! Beat mom, etc…..
So, anytime I tried to express my feelings about anything in our relationship he said NOTHING. Not a word. Shake his leg or walk away.
No fighting, no feedback ever. Worst communicator ever!!!
I was dependent financially for a while on him, and co-dependent.
The non-talker. Shut down.
And so the jabber jaw spath was attractive to me at first!!!!!!
Thistoo,
The spath salesman who didn’t shut up!
Becareful what you wish for!!!!
One extreme to the next.
Remember,
There has to be nothing worse than being in love with a person who can’t communicate, especially when you can! Nothing worse but salesman spath of course!!
It definitely sounds like your ex’s past is why he stonewalled. His dad was abusive, meaning he was abused as well. Even if the abuse wasn’t directed at him. Which, as we know, if must’ve been. An abuser doesn’t just stop at mom. It must’ve been hard on him that his dad died like that. Especially because he knew what his dad was and would never have the chance for his dad to change (not that he would). Were they close before his dad died? How old was your ex at the time?
His stonewalling, bad temper (not against you aside) and him controlling money sounds like an issue. He sounds like he has control and abusive tendencies. Clearly I’m new to this abusive world so I don’t know what to make of it. He seems like he could be abusive or just messed up from his past?
Do you feel like he abused you but you can’t put your finger on it?
Remember,
Another thought. Where was his family from? A cultural aspect could also be a part of this. Not that it’s an excuse for his stonewalling, but could also play a part paired with abuse. Culture and communication often go hand and hand. Just curious…
TT,
And congrats on summer break!
Good that you made plans for the week.
We gotta keep on keepin on!
Your poor computer. I hope they fix it right.
Remember,
Thanks. I know he has something to do with my computer. Just hope I can get it solved.
Yay for summer break!!! Now I can self care. And blog during the day. 🙂
Thistoo,
Blogging in the day!!
Hahaaaa.
Yes, it’s cultural too. His parents were from cuba.
His dad, alcoholic abuseer. My ex is the youngest. His 2 sisters got married and left as soon as they could!
Dad died in the 90’s I think my ex was in his 20’s. He was always the fixer. The referee.
His older brother is awful! Even to the mom who does everything for him. The boys are married to mom. Lol
I domesticated him a little, but he has never lived on his own.
He is the co-dependant caretaker, needs approval. Mom controls, guil trips, causes drama, smothers daily! I was staying at his house at the end until I lost it on his brother over a cancer topic. Lol
I believe yes, it was emotionally abusive, the rage outs, and stonewalling.
I was his first long girlfriend.
My dog is our dog. He still hangs around here with me on weekends. We talk about it.
He knows I am in recovery from my whole life.
It will be good to talk to your counselor about your ex hubby for sure!
I wrote down topics for the new therapist.
Uhhhhhhh…what a life huh?!
Remember,
What a life! For sure!! I’m just now coming to terms with what a life I’ve led!! My mom and a close friend of mine what me to write a memoir to help other people…What a thought! I’m pretty sure all of us on here could write a good memoir. And I say that in a joking/serous manner. We could do it! 🙂
Speaking of which, you started one, right? In the hospital that day. You still working on it? I hope so.
So when you say you talk to your “about it”, his abuse toward you? Or your recovery from your whole life?
Recovery of your whole life! 🙂 It makes me laugh. Not to be insensitive or to say you’re over exaggerating. I GET it. Guess I’m in recovery of my whole life too!!! That’s what it is. I never thought of it that way. Thank you. What a life and what a ride! Yet here we are…keeping keepin’ on! And smiling along the way when we’re not feeling too down. We’re awesome! I’m so happy for this site. I’ve never encountered other people like us in life recovery. We are a blessing to each other!
I think that fact you still hang out with your ex and your dog is telling. Your ex may have been abusive but obviously different from a spath. You were abused by him and I don’t like it, but I’m not one to judge. Sounds like he’s there for you now. And clearly makes a better friend than boyfriend.
It reminds me of my dad. He was an abusive drunk. He got sober when I was 18, on his own. He is now one of my biggest supports and I love him to pieces. He’s a wonderful man. He wasn’t when he was a drunk. He came from an abusive past and became his past. Somehow he worked through that. It took me years to trust him but he’s consistent in his love and actions towards me. He’s proved himself and I’ve had no choice but to forgive him.
Do you consider yourself friends with you ex? Do you find trust in him? Just want to make sure you’re not getting additional toxic to your already toxic, 😉
Thistoo
you must be so happy to have your father back
having a parent do a complete turnaround like that shows he is a good man
very happy that happened to you 🙂
remember
do you think your ex has mother enmeshed qualities?
i don’t know if that is the right term, but i mean when they haven’t detached from their mother and she is their world?? he sounds dedicated to his family as well
maybe that could explain some of his behaviour…
JaneD,
This ex is the non spath.
The issues are just one big blob.
Him, his mom and his brother.
My ex feels responsible for his mom that is good she is a widow, doesn’t drive, or speak english- but she controls his life. No boundaries, guilt tripping, button pushing, victim.
He isn’t a liar. Hard worker, he was an alcoholic years ago before I knew him.
He has adhd or ptsd.
I tried to help him not have explosive anger fits for 6 years. He ruined any fun.
The fact I could trust him is what kept me.
He’s not a spath but has real issues.
We stil hang out but I put up boundaries!
Remember
Ok I get it now. I’m sorry about the confusion.
Your ex is a good person but has issues.
Yes I understand why you have to
Put up boundaries. You also don’t want to allow yourself to get too involved especially if he won’t help himself.
I thought mine had issues and I was willing, like you to help. They need an experienced doctor
To help I think. No matter what we do or say doesn’t help in the long run. Maybe for the moment it does, but they go back to dealing with their issues the way they want to, in my experience.
It is a nice thing though to be able to be with an ex, you somewhat understand one another and there are no strings that get in the way
TT,
He didn’t control the money, I just wasn’t making enough to live on my own at that time and I was dependent on him.
Thistoo
Yes I too have learned this lesson: not to believe anyone who needs to insist they aren’t anywhere online to be found…
And yes to being online endlessly…for whatever reasons he thought fooled me, I know. 100 percent he spent about 20 hours a day online claiming he was doing his studies. Yes I give him credit for getting his degree online and he is an very smart man when it comes to education. But he used that excuse to claim why he was always on a computer. It was false, because the extra curricular crap I discovered, the hours he kept ( going to bed at about 6am each day), the discrepancies in most of his stories proved all he did was troll the Internet day in and day out.
So glad to hear mine wasn’t the only Internet addict.
Thistoo,
The memoir…you should do one.
I want a ghost writer. I found the first chapter of mine over Christmas while cleaning out stuff. I didn’t read it. I should! After I typed the starting of the next chapter and lost it, I never tried again! Lol
I talk about his non-communication with him. I really think he is ADHD. I’m not a Dr. but we talk about it, or maybe he has ptsd.
Yes, I think you are right I love him more as a friend.
He is a hard, talented worker and loyal. Those are good qualities, so in the trust department and providing department, and sex, all yes. But for long term, you gotta communicate, and I know men aren’t good with emotional stuff, but there has to be some at least.
I don’t think he could change living with those two ever. They will never change they are happy in turmoil.
His mom stays loyal to her dead evil abuser and never got help, and controls and guilt trips and pitty plays my ex, the older one says no. My ex does everything. She pulls his strings- talk about a puppet!
Anyways, he had some denial about us, but the more awake and educated I get he sees himself. I have to remind him, (yesterday) i’m not over the spath relationship and i’m still going through healing.
Yes, we are all travellers, we have all been through stuff and pain and are seeking answers and healing. My friend snd I would say we’re not survivors of cancer we are survivors of life!
Everyone I met back then when I had it- they are all dead.
They all passed from it. Younger then me and some older.
Freaky!!
Crazy too there was a time that I wished to have regular problems not life or death cancer problems!!!
Ummmm. Careful what you wish for!
Remember,
Sorry I’m just getting back to you! I couldn’t bring myself to post yesterday. I’m going through a mental mind f**k with my ex husband stuff. It’s too much!!!
You should read your first chapter again! I wonder if it’d bring you some more insight now while you’re dealing with your current situation.
It’s not fair you battled cancer TWICE and now have to deal with this crap. You are a strong woman who is now even stronger! A true survivor of life! I’m sorry that you lost all of your friends from back then. I’m happy you survived. Your story and you support has helped me so much.
As for your normal ex, I’m glad he supported you through your depression and is supporting you in this aftermath of a horrible man. You don’t have to be a doctor to see ADHD. In fact, it’s easier for you to see then a doctor when you’re in a relationship with a person!
I believe both my spaths had it, especially #2. Or it could just be part of being a narc/spath? Not sure how that works….
TT,
I think that is awesome about your dad and how your relationship now is good.
Some people can better themselves.
I think the hard part for me or us is understanding that some people can’t or just WON’T ever better themselves.
Something i’m learning to accept.
remember
i have tried really hard not to blame my ex on his upbringing…he comes from a strange background and when you think of it, perhaps it is the way he is today,
-he never had a father that he knows personally
-he has 2 different siblings from all different fathers and his twin sister who died in the womb, i believe
-he was brought up very poor by his mother, who was an alcoholic and drugs at times.
-he does claim she was a good mother and they were close
-she sexually molested him and had sex with him at the age of 9 and upward
-she committed suicide and he found her after she had taken a bottle of pills, when he was 12
-he and his half brothers were in and out of foster care at times, lived with many of his moms drunken abusive relatives at times.
-lost contact of his brothers and only recently found one who is doing absolutely nothing in life and on welfare and another brother died
is this enough to make a person disturbed?? i would be..he claims it hasn’t affected him and he went on to marry and have two children, and he was a very devoted father to them( perhaps due to his lack of having a father), he works hard to finish his schooling and WHEN he works, its not a regular job but through contracts or agencies…
at some points i have felt perhaps he has lied about his upbringing for pity, but then again i have seen much proof of what he tells me about his upbringing. so i don’t know..
he was pretty normal most of the time when we were together and you wouldn’t think he had issues but sometimes i can’t help to think that perhaps his horrendous upbringing made him what he is…
some people do change and some people don’t, but if they are a pathological liar, how do we know if they have changed?
you have survived from cancer! that is the your main thing you should focus on! nothing else matters but YOU! when you think about it, you should care less what horrible things you’ve gone through with your ex because if you can beat cancer, thats about the hardest thing life will throw at you and you she be so happy you are where you are today!!!! you are a strong woman!!! yay to you!! xx
JD,
Wow. What a childhood your ex had!
Is it true? These people and their stories, lies mixed with truth.
Sounds like it would make one disordered for sure.
My ex spath is twisted but I just don’t know how far it goes…he told me some things- but I don’t know what’s true.
He makes up stories.
Remember
I don’t know that it’s true all the things he says. I I found out today it’s all lies, I would not be surprised.
Everything he says seems to be fabricated to some degree.
That is an important point when it comes to spaths – that they are pathological liars. It is more productive to pay attention to what they do, than what they say. If we try to pay attention to what they say, it can use up a lot of time and mental energy without any useful results. Once we understand that they are harmful and they don’t change, our resources are better used in being analytical about our own feelings, needs, desires, hobbies, plans, and healthy relationships we have with good people. Keep in mind that spaths love for us the think about them all the time forever, and they do a lot of things to hook us into doing that. Which is why it is difficult to get them out of our heads.
JD,
Oh yea, it took me 5 years to get over surviving cancer 2 times. It consumed my life, the fear.
If someone would have told me I would date this guy and be turned upside down, I woulda said no way!!!
But, I knew if I survived that I will survive this, just guess because this was a matter of the heart?
Remember
Twice? You deserve a happiness of a lifetime 🙂
JD,
Thank you!
Yes from 27-30 I had stage III melanoma, but it’s been 10 years so yaay!!!!
Now i’m on the mental health chapter! Lol
Jane D,
Unless you have corroborated from another trustworthy source what he has told you, consider taking it with a grain of salt.
Consider that it doesn’t really make sense that a mother who sexually molested him is also a good mother that he is/was close to.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, did your ex participate in any 12 step programs, trauma recovery therapy, or did he get any kind of counseling?
The hardships he described don’t necessarily make someone into a liar and exploiter. Children who witness abuse are more likely to be in abusive relationships as adults, but the outcome of the trauma he says he experienced doesn’t necessarily create a psychopath. Many psychopaths had normal childhoods, and many abused people overcome and function normally in relationships.
Annette
As far as I’m aware of he hasn’t told me about any programs he was in to council him.
And no, I didn’t hear from anyone about his background. He told me about it when we first married, had pictures of way back when he was young but I never had a chance to speak w anyone. The only sort of proof I had was when he graduated in the top of his class and he delivered a speech to the class via Skype and his childhood was mentioned in the speech.
I can not really say his background contributes to his behavior I suppose. It’s just something I wondered. As far abusive relationships on his part, I do know he has been divorced but I haven’t heard other than that his wife cheated on him and married his friend, or rather that’s what I was led to believe
In my experience, so much they say is lies that it’s not productive trying to figure out the details, once we have a general picture that this is a harmful disordered person who is not good for us to interact with. Spaths work so hard to get their hooks in us, and it’s difficult to break free. It’s worthwhile to use our energy to get the spaths out of our head once we’ve gotten them out of our lives.
Jane, my ex also suffered through childhood and teenage years, even early adulthood. His mother was a tyrant, he was brought up in a very strict religion, bullied all throughout elementary and junior high, girls turned him down for dates or were cruel in high school, his teachers would belittle him, he had a bout of anorexia and gave up a child for adoption when hee was 19. And finally the injuries he suffered in the military, sexual assault by an officer and PTSD.
There are probably more that I can’t remember off the top of my head. I am tired of thinking about it….about him.
Unlike your ex tho, he used these events to explain why he is the way he is. I didnt have to wonder as you do. In other words, his past built the house of cards that was our relationship…..There was a trauma that explained every question I had about his behavior….why I was kept at arms length though he proclaimed I was the love of his life.
Of course now I know it is all a bunch of lies. He was leading a double life. I was merely a play toy to keep him entertained during the day while his wife was at work.
It is why the betrayal cuts so deep. Most married men admit to their mistress they are married at some point. They may proclaim “my wife doesn’t understand me” or tell tales that the wife isnt meeting his needs. The mistress can then decide if she wants to continue as is.
Mine led me to believe I was the only one. The best thing that ever happened to him. That he appreciated me so much….my kindness, my love was helping him heal.
It has been difficult to reconcile how I fell for all this.
Amille2
Yeh yours seems to have had it rough as well. Under normal circumstances if it were a good friend who suffered from all they were dealt, we would have compassion and try our best to help them and give them advice. I did this all in the beginning as I’m sure you did as well.
As time went on, when i would discover indescrepancies in his actions I would excuse alot of it and blame it on his upbringing. But as Annette pointed out, it is not necessarily their upbringing that determines whether they become psychopaths or sociopaths or narcs. And she points out that perhaps it’s not even all true (in my case we were referring to) because I hadn’t spoken about it to anyone related to him and had no proof. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of his upbringing and perhaps have even spoken to people who knew him.
Do you think he would use the fact of his upbringing to get him out of lies and situations he had gotten himself into? I know you’ve been betrayed and hurt deeply..I’m wondering in your case if he believes it’s because of the way his upbringing was that he uses as the reason for his behavior and uses it to get him out of lies and cheating?
I know mine is a cheating, con and manipulator and know his upbringing isn’t the cause of this. No more excuses as to why he is the rotten man he is
Jane, the only thing I know that is true is that he was in the military. He showed me pictures from boot camp. It was like a yearbook. And the pictures of him with his family/ he in his uniforms were all dated….the photos had that look of being taken with a camera from the late 80s.
The rest of the claims? I think either had a kernal of truth that were then exaggerated or just flat out lies…
He told me all the tragedies to keep me from his house, his children, his parents, his friends. He used them to explain why he could not see me in the evening and most weekends.
His childhood had nothing to do with any of that. He was married/living with someone. That was the reason he kept me at arms length.
Therefore, his childhood stories and my belief in them was an equal betrayal….. If not moreso than the cheating.
Hope I am making sense.