UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
annette
wow thanks for the post to Thistoo…especially this part:
if one doesn’t tell the truth and keep one’s commitments, the only purpose of using words is to deceive and manipulate. Otherwise what’s the point of saying anything..
i have copied and pasted this in my notes..
honest is my most important quality i expect in others…a friend, husband, child, parent…any relationship. there is NO relationship based on lies..
when i had found out all of what mine had planned on doing with another woman a couple short weeks after we had been on vacation, he said to me :
“i didn’t lie to you, i just masked the truth so you wouldn’t get hurt”
of course he lied to me…he didn’t tell me one thing that this other woman and he were planning…that is a huge lie.
when i asked him in our last year of our relationship, does she mean anything at all to you?
his response was always, “no she is just someone who is pursuing me, she is somewhat nice though”he never put her down or spoke badly of her during a one to one conversation with him. when it came time for his “sexual needs to be met” all of a sudden he would say the most horrible things about her…she was trash, a low life, scum, ugly, she smelled, no way does he want a future with this type of woman…i mean really really horrible things. but this was ONLY during sex….immediately when sex was finished, he would go back to saying “she was a nice girl and nobody knows the future, but he has no intentions on being with her”
in a way, i try to see maybe he was warning me?? did i not read into this enough and i just assumed he was telling me the truth, because honesty is my number one quality? at times i feel he did warn me and he isn’t a wacko and its me who didn’t see it..
don’t get me wrong, i know logically, that any person who behaves like this is truly disturbed..(before knowing about S or N, i just found him odd to say these things) and perhaps i would have left him down the road…but at times (more times during the discard i would say) i wonder if i misinterpreted his intentions and he is normal???
but when i weigh his good and bad qualities, there are numerous traits that point to sociopathic behaviour than what i am getting into in this post…his many other women, much lying about everything, different aliases, sleeping around while he was involved with me and so on….
The things you quote him as saying are infuriating BS, lies, contradictions and word salad. What he did was what had real meaning. Even if he ‘warned’ you, he’s still harmful to you and anyone else he interacts with.
Modern culture programs us to give people the benefit of the doubt and many chances. ‘Judging’ others and having absolute instead of relative morality, is discouraged. People are not encouraged to enforce boundaries in the form of what is right/wrong and acceptable/not acceptable. Being open minded is good to a point, but it is detrimental in excess.
Annette
Thanks for the confirmation, that he is harmful and he speaks BS. I do know this realistically but at times when I get that doubt in my head I just question how I dealt with it and what I believed.
I also believe that if he is speaking about people in a horrible manner, he is doing the same behind my back.
Odd that at the time when we were together I would be in such disbelief at times and ask a close friend what they thought about his behavior…although I don’t discuss my feelings with them any longer, they were in complete disbelief over the way he spoke about his then fiancé.
I really wish I’d listened.
During times when he wanted sex and he spoke badly of her to me, perhaps it goes back to treating women with disrespect and thinks this of his mother who supposedly raped him…
I’m just trying to make sense of it , I’d never heard of anyone who got sexually turned on by verbally putting someone down like he did.
When he wasn’t asking for sex, it was almost a chore to get him to answer any questions about the other women that i asked, and she was suddenly a nice girl, but had no problem during sex…yuck
It doesn’t sound like he was providing you with a relationship that was good for you. Consider if you even want to be talking about other women or even seeing someone who has other women. What are you willing to accept? There’s a saying, ‘you get whatever you’re willing to put up with.’
It may be a good thing that you can’t make sense of such evil and horror. There is some bad stuff out there – things we don’t want to even think about.
Annette
The saying is true and I will not tolerate that behavior nor will I play second fiddle.
It certainly isn’t what he led
Me to believe our relationship was headed for and in a moments flash, he was doing and saying the same to someone else.
I don’t tolerate lying and unfaithfulness, especially a now married man. To think he has a masters in psychology…
Delete….
Your strong boundaries will serve you well. That masters in psychology may enhance his manipulation skills. He knows what motivates others; he just chooses to exploit.
annette
i had also forgotten to include
that when he re contacts me he starts up with his now wifes horrible qualities, childish, immature, why did he do this to us, she is ugly, a lowlife begged…and unreal things…
just wanted to add this in.. thanks 🙂
Bad mouthing others to that degree is a red flag; and spaths are liars so it may or may not be true. If a person bad mouths someone he will bad mouth anyone, if it suits his purpose.
JD,
It is nice, he was the only one there when I had my major depression or breakdown after the psycho. Him and 1 other friend. My ex best friend betrayed me then and kicked me when I was down. She is disordered bad.
Sometimes though I do get freaked out about us hanging out- we have a dog together lol, and I have to tell him, remind him, how things were and why we broke up and that I did think I was going to be with spath for a long time (barf). That i’m not over it, and I don’t wantany relationship.
One day though, will I want to date someone new? I’m sure I would, but Ifeel I won’t meet anyone ever. Lol
And so, i’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
For now, one day at a time.
Are you in contact with your ex? I saw you said today you found out stuff…
Remember
I’m sure you may want to meet another person, don’t put that on the back burner. It just takes time and you will get your trust back hopefully when you have a full understanding of what’s going on.
It is nice to have your ex there to a degree. You can get a mans perspective on things and I’m sure he’d be the first to not want to see you getting hurt.
No I am not in touch presently with my ex. He came back to haunt me more than a few times when i had been NC. I finally blocked him because he was going heavy on the love bombing and then a discard the day after..he has done this four times since he’s left. At first I believed he was leaving his new wife as he told me, and we were going to be together as promised, I fell for it. He then contacted me the very next day to apologize that he will not be leaving her. He has done this four times since he left and finally I had enough and had to block him.
Like you said, one day at a time.
janedoe and Remember,
My counselor suggested instead of thinking about my next partner and what that would look like, think of what I’d want in a friend. Deal breakers, etc. For example, I have a new friend. We connected about 4-5 months ago. My counselor asked if I instantly shared with her/her with me. I said no, we grew to trust in time and now share everything! We respect each other and perhaps one of the things we have in common most is respecting boundaries, truth for ourselves, and loving people, including their flaws. We are in the same place of growing spiritually as women and not accepting others bs and inconsistencies with others reactions to us. If that makes sense. I am finding that the beginning of our relationship, taking time and our values is something I want in a relationship with a man. It’s a start, right!
janedoe,
I’m happy for you that you finally went NC. His patterns say a lot. How are you feeling with the NC?
I struggled with it in the past, but since my last contact with him and deleting all forms of contact, I haven’t looked back. I haven’t even felt the need to contact him. And this was before I found out I’ve been being spied on a week ago! That makes it even easier for me now. 🙂
This too
Hi this too yes I have been NC. First time was from August Til December and he contacted me with major love bombs and big promises only to take it back and tell me he’s devoted to his new wife. He wanted to continue corresponding after that but he didn’t and I wasn’t contacting him. About two months if NC went by and he resurfaced with the same thing to turn around the next day and tell me he’s devoted to his wife. Again I went NC for 2 months and he once again turned up with the same thing and took it back the next day. Another period went by and he resurfaced and did it again and since I have blocked him. He is not normal. And each time he reappeared I told him this and he begge and promised to fulfill his promises, and of course he did not. Enough is enough…
Yes it makes it so much easier to stay NC when they act inappropriate. If he is stalking you he has a problem. Imagine if you were with him and he were obsessed with you like that? That could be harmful. You need to be on constant look out and be “up” your radar, there’s nothing wrong with being better safe than sorry…seems they are capable of things we never thought was possible. We really didn’t know them all that well
Annette
I once told him “you have most f the traits of a sociopath” after he duped me
His response was “do you even know what one is?” And he denied it..
Funny when he knows what it is having studied it, and he has all the typical qualities of one, he still denies it..
That is what he does, and that is what defines him as a sociopath. If he responded with recognition that he is doing these awful things, and he worked on changing, he would not be a sociopath.
If any of them would ever change, they would do it as soon as they realize their error. Once someone knows they are doing wrong, and doesn’t choose to change and do right, they are consciously and willfully choosing wrong, and they cannot change because they do not want to change. They don’t lack information or anything else. They simply like doing what they are doing.
Annette
I have to tell you, you shd think about writing a book or counsel ppl on sociopathic/narc/psych behavior because your advice is so spot on and fantastic
Have you ever considered doing anything of this sort? Or do you already do this?
Thank you for sharing that thought. I knew nothing about spaths when I was targeted in my 40’s. I was an easy target and my ex psychopath did a lot of damage to me, my health, my life, my family, my friends, etc. Like all victims I suffered horribly, experienced the injustice, frustrations, etc. etc.
I read a lot of material about abuse, pathological lying, and related disorders, probably about 50 books and material on the internet. It took forever for much of the info to sink in. The reality of spaths is a whole new reality that is difficult to understand. Everything I know I have learned from someone who was victimized, figured it out, and shared what they learned in a book or on the web.
I was married (and widowed) to an exceptionally good man before I met my ex psychopath. In the darkest confusion during the ‘marriage’ to the psychopath, I knew that I was not to blame and that I was capable of a good marriage and that I’d made my first husband very happy. I was the same person in my second ‘marriage’ and the psychopath had one failed marriage before marrying me. This was proof that although I’m not perfect of course, all the blame that was put on me was a lie.
What helped me more than anything else in actually understanding (as much as a normal person ever can) the existence of spaths, is what I learned from Bible studies about Satan and his motives, and about God’s plan to solve the problem according to His time and purpose. I have found a measure of peace in my personal understanding of theology that I don’t think I would find anywhere else.
I work as an accountant.
Annette
I’m sorry to hear about your first husband. And thank you for sharing your story. You shd think about putting your wisdom in writing or help others who don’t understand these horrible people, as you do so well on here. Thanks 🙂
Jane D,
Thank you for the encouragement. I’m not sure I have anything original to add to the books and info on the web that have already been written. There is so much good information out there these days. I can’t imagine how awful it was for victims before the internet and the support and information we can get and give.
It makes complete sense why he repeatedly tells me I am a smart woman. How his wife will not be Able to figure out he has/or had contact with me. He knows I have education and was brought up differently than him and am fairly smart and this is very untypical of the women he finds.
Now I know why his victims or his other past gfs or recent ones are very young, uneducated women who come from very poor families…and very poor countries..because they perhaps haven’t the opportunity to experience this sort of behavior due to their age and experience out of their own surrounding…makes complete sense.
He also feels superior when he takes an underprivileged person and tries
To better them and provide them with things they dont have. He has done this with past gfs and their families…it only just dawned on me as to why he didn’t remain with me, because I am not the stereotypical “women” he has been with before.
In any case he’s horrible person
Yes, Annette,
You are so knowledgeable.
Did you say your ex was a pastor?
Wow.
I mean a minister?
He preached as a minister in another church before I met him in my present church, though he had no formal training. He knows the Bible very well; he believes in God’s existence, he just doesn’t do what God says.
Once near the end of the ‘marriage’ when I discovered he was still doing porn, the first thing he blurted out was, “They’ll never make me a minister now!” He was aspiring to the ministry in our church, but I think he was somewhat unrealistic, although it’s amazing how far spaths can go in rank in organizations.
It’s my understanding that the ministry is a common profession for spaths.
Remember
what wonderful news that you have conquered a difficult battle! That would encourage me to know the hardest thing in life to overcome has been done! You’re super 🙂
Thistoo,
Girl,
You are processing alot here!
One night I started to type, what was your ex husband like?, but I stopped. Just li,e I was gonna mention my 6 yr guy but stopped until the other day.
From reading your post to Annette today, it’s almost like again, you didn’t really know him.
Do we ever really know someone? I feel like I do know my non spath ex. Tnat’s why I stayed.
Looks like you have some new info to take back to your therapist for sure.
We are reviewing all our relationships now.
I realize that I haven’t hung around or had relationships with too many healthy people. I think I had 2 good.
I am ove the cancer- lol, NEVER thought I would say that.
It’s ok I guess that i’m recovering from a spath. Mine didn’t target me like so e of you guys, but he did find me on fb and after I deleted him before ever talking, he refriended me.
I talked to him first. I was a great target or whatever, I was sad and reaching out, and he pretended to be so kind, and caring, and hurt, like a puppy. Barf! He is the boogey man. That was one of his names on something.
Just take care of yourself the best you can. If you need to cry, cry. I cried last night. I’m not trying to stop feeling like I did before.
Remember,
Sounds like your ex did target you! You defriending him on fb and him refriending you is a sign in my book! Spath #1 pursued via fb for over a year!
Boogey man! Haha. Wait, he actually had that name on something? What do you mean?
Crazy how they are so able to con us into thinking they are support and so sensitive in their own lives. All of mine were babies, including my ex husband! They all cried at the drop of a hat and were so sensitive.
You know what I realized today? All 3 of these men said I love you to soon and made me feel uncomfortable. All of them! I remember not liking it when they said I love you for the first time. I feel like there’s a pattern there. Huge red flag! Constant contact was normal to me. Dating other people who gave me distance always made me feel insecure, like they didn’t like me enough. Turns out, it’s healthy!
I’m glad you’re letting yourself feel. I feel strange. Numb maybe? Overwhelmed? More than anything, I think uncomfortable is the best to describe the state I’m in right now. i’m a little numb from being monitored and now the stuff about my ex husband.
Despite all of this, I’m grateful. I feel like my healing can finally begin. I also feel like my spaths are at a distance. I’m not feeling afraid. Or maybe that’s because I’m numb to things right now?
I wrote back, but it doesn’t show….. rats
It makes me sad when that happens! I’ve started copy my posts before I submit.
Amille2
Yes you make perfect sense
Everything about them is a lie. Mine was in the military and knowing his capability of lying I am seriously starting to question it you have the proof at least.
Why would yours feel he had to lie about his past to keep you from his family? You did not know about them, right?
They do know eventually someone will come along and not believe their bs..they must be mentally exhausted having to try to be one step ahead all of the time. It’s mentally exhausting taking each word or sentence they say and analyzing it. And when we have to do this, we know this is a red flag now
Jane,
I am so sorry yours keeps playing games with your emotions. How long has it been since you have talked with him? Is he still married? Did you ever meet his friends and family?
I met his parents and daughter once. However, it was very brief. So yes, I did know about them.
He obviously did not want me to interact with them given he is married and/or living with someone else! Therefore, early in the relationship he told me things about them…..negative childhood stories. That way it set the stage as to why he didn’t invite me to family functions. He was protecting me from them.
Yeah right.
Amille
It has been a little over two months since we have spoken. Had I not blocked him I would expect him to re contact me any time soon. Yes he is newly married to someone 30 years younger who he met once, or so I’m told.
I had not met family members, there was only his daughter and son and himself and he doesn’t live in the same country as I do, so it was much easier for him to cheat, lie and twist stories around on me.
Your ex told you all the stories about his family, so you would not want to meet them? For instance, his parents did some horrible things to him so you would already be against them? When you met his daughter and parents what if they had said something about his wife/gf? Yes of course he said he was protecting you…what that meant was “I don’t want her finding out anything from my family that I’m a cheater and lying SOB…”
How was it you came about finding everything out?
He married someone he only met once? Who does that? Perhaps he had been seeing for quite sometime? Are you sure he really is married?
Yes, long distance relationships would be ideal for spaths. They could lie and cheat with great ease.
Yes, you are correct on the family. He started grooming me very early on in the relationship as to why I would not meet his family or children. For all I know he told his parents I was merely a friend or some other lie so that they would not feel compelled to bring up his wife/live in girlfriend. Or maybe when I met them he had not married/moved in with the other woman yet? While I now suspect she was in the picture the whole time I don’t know if she was living with him or married throughout.
I found out because one night I googled her name. Don’t ask my why. Something led me to do so. Up popped an obituary of one of her relatives who died in April this year. She was listed as a survivor…along with my ex as her husband. In that instant I realized the real reason why he kept me away from his family, friends, his home, evenings, weekends,etc. And it had nothing to do with the BS stories of trauma, anxieties, PTSD, etc.
When confronted he said she was stalking him. Really? Via an obituary? As if her family would allow her to list him if they werent married.
Amille
Wow they are all the same! That is EXACTLY a story mine would tell me if that were him found in the obit section…
He always blamed whatever I found
Out about him on someone else..always.
As though the wife were stalking him and felt the need to mention he was her husband in an obit!!!
Had you put him on the spot when asking him? I found if confronted on the spot their excuses were so dumb, a child could come up
With better.
Funny thing is they think we are stupid to believe it? They know better than that..he probably thought never in a million years would you find that obit…I am stunned we fell for such stupidity sometimes.
Otherwise how are you dealing with this all?
I wanted to share with all of you what has helped me through my recovery. I listened to Christian music, first on my drive to work, then more often. And I found although the styles of music varied from loud, upbeat praise, to soft hymns, the message was and is always the same. The lyrics all proclaim God’s healing power and offered reassurance of His love. God healed my pain completely. I still continue to hear songs long after this amazing healing.
Psalm 145:9
“The Lord is good to all, he has compassion on all he has made.”
More than ever, I know this is true.
Christian music has given me so much encouragement in a dark time of my life. When I thought that I lost everything, God picked me with those lyrics, gave me hope and strength to get through this trial. And now, I am blessed beyond what I hoped for.
Everyone, being discarded,after being lied to and cheated on, it might seem as life comes to a still stand….instead it really is the beginning of your new life. I became an obstacle to my cheating and lying ex….in reality God gave me my freedom, my peace, my sanity and the chance to be eventually be loved by someone who really deserves my love.
Kaya
This is a reminder I will put in my notes to look at and pick me up when down. You said it so beautifully..
“Everyone, being discarded,after being lied to and cheated on, it might seem as life comes to a still stand….instead it really is the beginning of your new life”
I agree with Jane…..you are so right Kaya that we are starting a new chapter. Hopefully, a healthier happier one.
I’m really trying g hard to let go and let God as they say. Obviously, I have done a very poor job in choosing partners.
Although for the immediate future, I’m focusing on other aspects of life.
Thank you for sharing your posts/thoughts. I have learned much from you and others on this site.
Annette
I agree so much with your comment. The therapist I first had, my ex went to about 6 sessions with me together, was this way. She would say “it takes 2 to destroy a marriage, you have your part in it (me)….” You should have seen the smirk on my ex’s face….we left and he had even more control over me now..
“See how crazy your are, even the therapist says its your fault.”
Getting a female therapist in my opinion is not a good idea. That applies also to divorce lawyers. I felt much more in control with a male one. One that would not be manipulated by my Cpt America’s so good looks and charm. I never returned to that therapist as she knew my ex was having an affair and she still blamed me for it. Waste of money and time. I ran into her once in a store and told her that I did indeed divorce him and her response was “that’s good, its better for the 2 of you not to be married.” Another slap in my face. In other words…you had your part in it.
Now I know, even through the words of my lawyer, I had nothing to do with the failure of the marriage. It was Him and only him who lied, cheated and abondened his family. Not me. Was I perfect? Absolutely not, I had many faults…but he was the Sociopath who abused me and my son/his son and that is the truth. It took me a long time to accept his but eventually I did. I will not take any responsibility in his inappropriate behavior as a husband and father.
What a horrible therapist. Sadly, it’s common that the spaths win them over and manipulate them.