UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I am the same way. Every time I hear the name Julia. That’s ok though because I know she cannot be in a good place being in a relationship with him. Poor girl.
How sad. It’s great that you are praying for her. I used to have so much anger towards his co worker/mistress. I don’t feel this way anymore. Yes, she should have never entered this marriage as a 3rd person. But I am sure there were many others he cheated with and just did not get caught . If she thinks that starting a relationship based on lies and deception will work, that’s her problem. I am really feeling gratitude towards her now. Without her I would have never filed for divorce. Without her I would still be sitting in a closet crying. She did me a huge favor, she took him out of my life. I almost want to send her flowers and a thAnk you card. But then again, I might get served with an injunction. 🙂
I told one of my husband’s flings once, “THINK about it! If he was so wonderful, YOU wouldn’t be happening!”
I did something horrible. I used one of his flings to get away from him. I knew he was trying to spin an image to her, so I used that opportunity to get him to sign our settlement and divorce papers. I made it public so he HAD to or he would have revealed himself to the entire town.
I know my freedom cemented her role in his life, but I did try to do the right thing and warn her. I thought why should I sacrifice myself to warn people who shut their ears? So I used her delight at rubbing my face in their relationship in order to get free of him. (she wasn’t the only “other”, there were LOTS and LOTS of them competing for a married man. She “won” poor thing. She learned the competition NEVER ends.)
I feel that I owe her BIG TIME. I anonymously sent her Lundy Bancrofts book, ” Why Does He DO That?”. Even if she threw it away, when the time comes, she’ll be looking for it.
Notwahathesaidofme
Think about it…your first line is gold! I hope you don’t mind me using it?
The rest of your post relates so much to some of my thoughts of how to rid him forever. I too tried to warn some of the others but they haven’t had the person that I have had. They were subject to the lies but not in his life enough to question themselves or things just didn’t add up to the same extent as the partner that lives with them – I hope you know what I mean?
One particular victim of his hung round for 7 years until he was put in a position to confess he was married. I didn’t blame her and felt very protective of her but in the end I cut her loose because she made it a competition to win – lord knows I would have let her! But my spath was hell bent on staying with his financial security because I made him asset rich.
Stupid prick crossed the line and is going to jail so I get everything anyway!!!
Ironic,
Lemme take a moment to savor your victory (living vicariously through too-few times of justice.)
Thanks for the oh so good feeling!
Oh please do Notwahathesaidofme! I’m tickled pink!!! Blessed and EXTREMELY smug because no one in the police force believed me…if I was a detective, forensic psychologist, police chaplin or his boss I might have damn well missed it! Umm HELLO! Warning I told them all – he’s into young children, has a sex and porn addiction, is a sexual predator and will become a killer if you take his uniform off him because his arrogance and confidence is tied up in his identity with the police force. I told his boss to turn the GPS on in his car and monitor what he does and if I’m wrong then I’m wrong and we are all satisfied, this was 2 weeks before he picked up a half naked and drunk 14 year old on the job…dickhead! His boss did turn the GPS on as I suggested and he got done when she dobbed him in for child sexual assult = I win!
Taralev
Don’t answer him. Please. Just stay strong and move his message or email into a folder. Don’t look at it again. He is still playing his game. My ex did the same.
Tara, So… He has a peace order against you…so, when that expires what do you plan to do? I am just trying to understand what you are hoping to get out of this type of communication with him?
Please try to listen to kaya… if you respond you are just continuing to play his neverending game of heartbreak and lies 🙁
Yes kaya, please listen!
If I’d known about this blog years ago it wouldn’t have gone on so long. This blog gave me clarity and all the craziness finally made sense.
Mending, do you mean what does HE want to get out of communicating?
Taralav, HE messaged you, right? Maybe I misunderstood, but I took you to mean that he sent the message?
Yes, he did today. Some days it has been me to start. Once he messages it kinda goes back and forth. He blames me..he says I was this this and this. None of it matters…no one is perfect. What matters is I did not lie to cheat.
No, HE did send the message…I am just trying to make her think about how she is benefiting by responding when he sends messages of that nature but I didn’t make my point clearly. She’s not benefiting at all…I am just trying to make her think about it and realize that there is no benefit to responding. 🙂 Because up until now she has been responding and going back and forth with him. I am trying to make her realize that she isn’t losing anything if she tries no contact and stops responding. Nothing good EVER comes from the communication with him so why keep replying. He throws out bait and then pulls it away every time. I can preach about “no contact” until I am blue in the face and it is def easier said than done, I know…but just something to think about. Do you ever feel better when you respond? Probably not because he ultimately comes back and says awful things or blames you for something. That is the cycle you are stuck in. I was addicted to the abuse too…but sometimes you have to try to really pull yourself out of the fog and think with your brain instead of your heart. Maybe I am too harsh, but when I was going through this same kind of thing, the tough love advice is the stuff that stuck. :/ You will get through this…but the only way is to really really try hard to go no contact. You can do it!
Something that helped me was to change my ex P’s name on my contacts to “Abuser” later “Psychopath.” I file his emails in a folder called “Crossdresser/Pedophile.” I kept everything b/c we were married and in case I need evidence or proof of anything, or just to establish timelines, in case of legal action.
So when my phone rang and I looked to see who it was and it came up “Abuser” it was an instant reminder of who he is and not to answer nor respond.
AnnettePK
What a great idea! I’ll also use your name crossdresser/pedophile – I always wondered why my new and expensive undies would lose the elastic so quickly until I filled the house, car and computer with spyware…
Luckily for me, my pedophile is going to jail! ! I’m sad for his victim but at least he won’t do it again!
Taralev
Read his email and laugh about how pathetic he is. That’s what my son and I do now. Occasionally the ex sends texts or emails to my son. We laugh now how desperate and ridiculous he sounds “oh my son, I miss you so much, I thought we had a better relationship…….” Really, he left us without any financial support, did not care about his son. All of a sudden when the divorce is almost finalized he misses the son. Can you believe on mothers day he sent a text “even though we hate each other, you are the mother if my only child, happy Mother’s Day.” It’s crazy making and I am done with that. Hello, I divorced you lying a…. Don’t wish me a happy Mother’s Day.
That’s how they work. Trying to reel you in and play the poor victim. You have to let go and that’s what I did.
I hope I can be a good example for you. I listened to everyone on lovefraud last year, I followed their advise and look how far I came.
Yes, exactly. Love is an action. What is he doing now? If he wanted a relationship with you, he’d be with you working to right the wrong he has done, working on himself so that he treats you right, etc. What he really is doing is timing his present cheating experience to pause about when the TRO runs out, and then he’ll lie to her to put her on hold and come dangle you for awhile.
kaya, I received a call on Mother’s Day from the girls’ father (the voice was slurred with alcohol) telling me that I’d always been a good mother and how much he loved and missed me.
It was like being contacted by Hitler with commendations on having raised such worthy victims.
As usual, I mumbled some platitudes about being busy and needing space. But the right response was exactly as you wrote it: “DON’T wish me a happy Mother’s Day!” What the kids wanted most was their family’s well-being and safety, precisely what he tore apart.
Lately, I actually prefer him when he’s openly greedy, spiteful and infantile — it’s the fake father that I can’t stand — so naturally I’m cringing inside as this Sunday approaches, ha. Am I supposed to call to leave him the same message? and, does Hallmark make a card for this? 🙂
Thank God for Father’s Day – to my Children’s Sperm Donator,
I love my kids and I thank God for the blessing of them.
I thank God that you are now gone and they are partially free.
I thank God that I don’t have to see your evil face on Father’sDay.
I thank God that while you are a scumbag, my children have the perfect example of what NOT to be to their children.
I thank God that He has spared us from your abuse.
I thank God for all the daddies in the world that really do love their children more than themselves.
I Thank God for displacing your mask and helping my children understand that I am not crazy, but that I was abused.
I thank God for loving my kids and me enough to teach them this lesson and for protecting them more than I will ever know.
I thank God for my own Dad who taught me how to love and parent.
I thank God for being my ultimate father and for rescuing me, His daughter from the hands of the devil.
I thank God for His plan for my children and for making sure that your bizarre, manipulative, perverse life will not impact His plan for them!
God is their Father. I’m thankful for His all consuming love for them!
Lovely. Amen.
Absolutely!
I Thank God your dad had a willing and easy-to-teach-about-love kid. 🙂
Thanks everyone. My daughter had just told me that she really doesn’t care if it’s Father’s Day and that she wasn’t going to “play that game”. I hate that she has to feel this way, but i respect her pain and completely understand her decision. So Fathers Day certainly doesn’t have to be about him.
Hoping
Wow, so very well written, I actually printed it out. I wish they would make a Father’s Day card with those words. You absolutely right, sperm donor. Perfect label for my ex. A real father would never destroy and cause so much pain to his own family.
Thanks Hoping.
Thanks Kaya. I think we all have that dread feeling about Fathers Day. But it doesn’t have to be about them. 🙂
In the beginning he was my hero. I married action man, big strong tough tactical response group (swat in the us) policeman. He looked so divine in his uniform while saying all the right things to make me feel safe and secure and that he would make the best head of our family….
Umm HELLO! he was supposed to protect us all from the big bad ugly world not be the big bad ugly world!
I look back over the past 14 years and each time I went into protection mode to avoid his destruction and now realise that I’m the hero, I’m the big strong tough protector of my home and family ★
Ironic,
I’m so sorry that he didn’t protect you and that you trusted him. That truly is the ultimate betrayal. That he was given the opportunity to be a good man and value a wonderful woman and he chose to manipulate and deceive. High five to you for stepping up and protecting yourself and your family. May we all be that brave!
Thank you hopingtoheal ♥
Ironic
What is he going to jail for ? I could have had both my ex and his little cop whore fired from their jobs, since they took the pictures while on duty. My attorney advised me against turning the nude pictures into the sheriffs department as it was going to hurt my alimony case. So I didn’t do it but believe wanted to so badly. I just love it how police officers should set high morale standards. Yeah right. Porn and sex that’s all he cared about . Yuck, just thinking about it makes me sick. Stupid prick, what an excellent title.
Thanks Kaya48 its actually made up of my first and last name which I think is pretty IRONIC too!
I thought about saving my access to his super in a settlement as well but in the end I couldn’t live with myself if he did something really bad and I hadn’t warned anyone. In Australia, at a certain point in time, the police have a benefit attached to their super that guaranteed a retirement income of his gross amount on top of the lump sum for the rest of his life. I felt he didn’t deserve to be paid that since he had no honor nor morals so I was prepared to for-go it too but in the end he did it all himself anyway and I feel better for it…
I told his boss 2 weeks prior to the incident that he was a sexual predator, into young children, had a sex and porn addiction and would be most likely to kill if his police identity was stripped from him. I suggested that his boss turn the GPS on in his police car and monitor what he does, 2 weeks later he picked up a half naked and drunk 14 year old and she dobbed him in for child sexual assult the next morning. His undoing was that GPS showed he stopped on his way to deliver her home and for how long = I win! Sad for the victim but great way for me to get rid of a sociopath that’s a danger to society I think!
Annette, I did exactly the same. I changed his name to what I belived he was at the time. After the discovery of his lies, deceit, cheating and totally conning me, I put his name on Skype and my mobile as The Con Man. Then when I read up about psychopathy, I changed it to PSYCHOPATH, in capitals like that. So when he boomeranged back a year later and tried to suck me in, all it did was make me shake with fear when that name came up.
I had already gone no contact the year before (without even knowing about psychopathy and the reasoning behind NC. So I wasn’t in the least interested to respond to his attempts to get me to respond. He tried flattery (you were my one true darling), shame (I cannot believe you are ignoring me it is really awful behaviour after all I’ve done for you), the victim (it’s so hard wihout you, so hard!), control (we will be together one day and you know it deep down and so do I), sentimental dates (happy birthday, happy Christmas). After 9 months of me ignoring his attempts, he stopped. Up until then I was terrified.
NC is a healer but for me it was more than that. It got rid of him.