UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Amille
Did his wife know about ? How did he manage all this ? Did he live with you while he was married? See, my ex started his affair with co workers or fellow female soldiers. Most of them knew he was married but they did not know me since he never invited me to function at his sheriffs dept of army functions.
The one he left me for was a cop on the same nightshifts in her 20’s. He could be her father. I sm glad he is not my problem anymore. She actually crossed his path at the right time. In my state here the wife usually gets awarded alimony in long term marriages. So on a way I am glad that “special minion” came along later in my marriage. Financially it was my win. So that was good.
Did he break up with you and went back to the wife ?
Kaya, Jane…I do not know if his wife knows about me. Given the depth of deception, he went to great lengths to keep his double life a secret from me.
When I met him my children were younger. And they come first. I also have a career, friends, etc. In other words, he was not my whole world. The “arrangement” worked for me.I certainly wasn’t looking to get married again. He is older than me;retired military. I have come to realize that I was just a play toy. Something to occupy his day while she was at work. He kept me hooked with layers of lies, love bombing, gifts, weekend trips once the kids were older, etc.
I have no doubt he expected me to believe the stalking story. Jane. I believed all his other lies and manipulation.
Kaya, your divine intervention was the other woman; mine was finding that obit. I don’t know what made me google her name that night. But I did. And the minute I read it I knew the truth. That he lied about everything. Like you and JaneD, I searched on lying and such and found this site. Realized he is a sociopath and that was it.
I told him to come get some of his things that were at my house. He played victim again…..but I held strong. Did I break up with him? I never really had him, did I? It doesn’t matter who leaves who. Their abuse leaves devastation in their wake regardless.
There is no going back. Its getting easier now with No Contact but I still have my moments of pain. The “how was I so blind?” So stupid?
In today’s technology world there is almost no need for a private investigator and longer if you are computer savvy you can find out a lot. I once asked my ex why he was texting that co worker so often. “Oh, her finance and her need some help with remodeling their house”. All I had to do google her name and there was a newspaper article that her fiancé died in an airplane crash years ago. Lies, lies and lies. Now I can laugh about it. Back then I believed them.
Kaya
Was your ex husband experienced in remodeling that she needed to even consult him?
You’re right about the Internet. I have found more than I planned on finding just by putting in the info I wanted..such as differen alias’s and numerous social websites and many many women he had as contacts.
One good thing I did find when googling: “men who manipulate and con” it led me to love fraud..thank goodness
Jane d
This how I found lovefraud also. Thank God for that. My ex enjoyed remodeling but I am sure even enjoyed it more “screwing ” her. When I confronted him with this lie his answer was “if you don’t stop investigating me I am going to leave you crazy b****”. And you know what I was scared that he would leave me I ended up apologizing for checking up on him. I absolutely had no self worth left, I was weak and afraid. That’s how he trained me to be for the 20 years. I confronted him with many more items, like the nude pics I put on the dining room table. But I still stayed. Isn’t that crazy how I was his puppet.
Only by staying no contact and divorcing him did I regain my strength and also my dignity. I was his puppet. No matter what he did I was his convenience. No matter how much he cheated and lied I was still at home preparing his lunch to take to work. No matter how much he told me how crazy I was , I still would cater to him. And this why him discarding me was a huge blessing. It was my exit gate , my realizing his abuse and deceit.
I am glad that this minion was so sexy. :).
This is a test…
For some reason I can’t post a reply to something from earlier.
At least your test works! 🙂
Wow I just typed a whole new one and nada!
Maybe both my tablet and phone are possesed.
Geeeez.
Wow. So he never told you that he was married. What liars. And of course the wife is a stalker or a crazy woman. I know that what my ex told the co worker. She is just crazy . Shortly after he left he told me “I love you but I am not in love with you anymore “. Translation. “I am getting my needs met by another woman. ”
That statement made me cry after 20 years marriage but at the same time opened my eyes. I decided then that I would file for divorce. I had it with him. And his comment “why are you crying, nothing wrong with this” assured me that I will take him to court and end it. Which I did. No more emotions for me. It was a huge wake up call. All of a sudden I could think with my brain again. No more tears, just business.
That day I promised myself that I will never talk to him again ever. I was just done. I felt it in my heart to let him go. To detach myself , to be rational , to be cold whatever pertained to him. All I needed was my powerful lawyer which I found by accident. I did not care about him in the divorce , I was out to get him for what he did to me. I would have to hurt him financially. I admit this. I was heartless and non caring. That’s the only way you can divorce a narcissist /sociopath. My advantage was that he never knew what was coming his way because of my lawyer. We were always one step ahead .
No contact now for 2 years and forever.
No he did not admit he was married or living with her. To your other post about not needing a private investigator, I did much googling after finding the obit. That’s when I found her name attached to his address for a variety of reasons. I never found a marriage announcement in our local paper but they could have married elsewhere. And again, the obit said it all.
I didn’t and don’t believe she is crazy. I feel sorry for her. What did he tell her when we took trips together? Is he mentally abusing her?
It is why I’m staying as far away as possible.
I’m glad you found a strong lawyer. After 20 years of marriage, abuse, you should at least be taken care of financially. You weren’t heartless. You were protecting yourself and your son. Standing up for yourself. You should be extremely proud of yourself.
Amille
I do believe he is mentally abusing her, he is lying to her just as he is lying to you.
He goes away with you and tells her some invalid reason why he’s leaving..business, meeting the guys, something important he has to do. Just as he lied to you about not seeing his family.
Mine had lies coming out from all over the place too. On vacation with me and most probably telling the other he was on business. He had to tell her something they were married a month later.
I don’t think anyone who cheats is honest to the others involved. That will blow their deceitfulness.
I’m certain my ex wrote everything down as to who he told what to..he had to. No way he could remember the many lies he told in a day, no way.
He had the perfect environment to cheat on many women at one time..they were never from his country. He’d be communicating with all of us at the same time online, no doubt. We are not even talking an inexperienced young guy, he is 60! And he plays games like that?!
You had asked me earlier if he met her once? I believe thy met once in person, but I could be blind to this I suppose. But it would be a very typical situation because he used to travel to meet women he spoke with online. Who flies across the world for sex with someone you have only spoken with online for a brief period..he did!
And the covering up he did at times when I discovered out things was enough to make you want to vomit. Because he had to think of something on the spot when confronted by me, even a five year old wouldnt believe what he’d say..Kind of like how yours said his wife was stalking him, and put his name jn the obit…
Thank you amille for your kind words. That exactly what I had to do. Protect myself and my son financially. Because if the court would not order him to pay he would have left us without anything. That’s what he did before the divorce was settled. He gave us nothing at all. Instead he tried to take everything away from us. He stopped paying his sons college tuition, he just did not care. Cruises with her were more important. I sure don’t want a man like this in my life. Who put sex before the welfare of his son. He is a complete loser. Since she knew he was married they totally deserve each other.
Kaya
You so feeder be everything you fought for. And two years out is a blessing and I hope by two years I will be as strong as you.
It seems as though this happened to me so long ago when in reality the actually first discard was only last summer. It’s not that I want to hold on to my situation for a long time, I’m just the type of person who can be a bit OCD with major events that happen to me and this is considered one. It does take me longer than maybe most people to get over it. Deep inside I know how bad he is and I woul never return to him, it’s the “fake” good times that get the strong hold on me at times that don’t go away so easily. But it’s coming, I know it is because I don’t wake up wanting to speak to him and I sleep peacefully now and I enjoy doing things which is a far cry from last summer, I’m just a mushy person who holds on to what I believed was good…I will not leave this site for a very long time. It’s what gets me through the tough spots
This too
I hope all goes well with the counselor today please let us know 🙂
Thanks, janedoe!
Normally I leave counseling feeling a little down and contemplative. Today I left feeling great! I still have nightmares about my ex husband. It’s been 7 yrs. Now I know why. Can’t believe it took me this long to figure out he was abusing me. Thanks to my LF friends for helping me see the way! And in a way, thanks spath #1 and #2 for opening my eyes. I’m not sure I would have found this closure without the unwanted push.
I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from me. I feel so good.
And my counselor had reading a big packet of info for people being abused via technology. She said, “If you start to doubt you’re being monitored and this is really happening, refer to this packet. It’s not in your head.” We came up with an additional safety plan that I won’t share on hear. I’ll let you know the outcome!
this too
you sound so upbeat! good for you!
who would have thought #1 and 2 would benefit you!
nice work!
janed,
So upbeat for now! I’m enjoying it while it lasts. 🙂
This life is a crazy ride….
JD,
I feel the same, it takes me a while to get over and let go, and am just mushy.
I sleep better and life is better though for sure.
This site is my sole support right now.
And watch, this post will go through, but the one post i’ve been trying to send since yesterday won’t.
I have even re-written it.
Weird!
Remember
I have all sorts of problems getting on here sometimes. At times it will e days and I have heard nothing of anyone posting. Try to fiddle around with “manage your settings”. Sometimes this works.
As for being mushy, yep that’s what holds me back and have a very hard time understanding it was not a real true thing I’m actually getting mushy over, because it did not exist for him. Still have rough patches during the week. I don’t think it’s been too long for you, am I correct? So you still have a valid reason to be mushy lol
Jane Doe, Remember
Believe me, at first it was very difficult for me. Especially after such a long time. And I never liked the word “divorce” which equals death of a family. I honestly don’t know where I got the strength from to file for divorce, go through with it and came out a much stronger woman. I used to be weak and fearful. This divorce gave me powers that I never thought I had in me. I was just so exhausted and fed up with the lies and deceits. It consumed my entire time, in the end I thought I was going crazy in my head. Every day without him was a day of no tears, no worrying, no investigating , no spying on him, no pain , no crazy making.
I never knew that such peace can exist. I am able to sleep 8-10 hours now, I go to work refreshed instead of exhausted, I don’t have heart racing and pounding in my head and I don’t worry anymore. He wanted to punish me by leaving….he did the opposite. He gave me the biggest present ever. I don’t miss him, I don’t miss him being the father of my son, I don’t miss anything about him. The good times with him were not good….it was his pretending, his faking about caring for his family. He never cared about us and he never will. He cares about his own selfish desires and I hope that he stays single and never puts another family through this pain. At least he cannot create anymore children….That’s a true blessing
Stay strong, live in the moment, dont go back into the past, try not to focus on him, be thankful you are not being lied to anymore. Before you know it you will be where I am at now….and its wonderful.
Kaya
This is going to sound weird and I hope it doesn’t come out the wrong way because it’s difficult on here to be clear at times.
I almost wish I had it like you had, where he was so mean and degrading. All the things he did to you are undoubtedly unforgiving. For me, I would most probably have an easier time letting a mean, despicable man go versus a “sweet, sensitive man”. I say that in quotes because that is what he tried
To come across as. At the beginning I didn’t know any better and he trained me to think these things of him so in a way, it’s difficult to believe it wasn’t real, does that make sense?
If I had been through the horror you dealt with, I think I’d be happy he is off with someone else. Especially since you have a child involved, that is unforgivable. It seems you have more validity to want him gone because there was no pretending most of the time for you. He was rotten to you. Mine was based on pretend from the get go, like being brainwashed. I just wish he’d been meaner, it may be easier
God I hope that makes sense
It makes sense to me. It’s been shown that the more subtle and hypocritical the abuse is, the more physical and emotional damage it causes. An abuser who hauls off and hits his victim does less damage in the long run than one who acts ‘nice’ on one level, while passive agressively abusing.
The bottom line is that we do not deserve to be treated like garbage. We don,t deserve to be lied to , cheated on, betrayed and in the end disposed of.For me the most painful aspect was that he attacked me as a person, trying to declare me mentally ill, trying destroy my character, portray me as a witch, as a bad wife and mother. That goes beyond the fact that he cheated with his coworkers. That goes way too far. I would have never forgiving him for having the affairs, but defaming me is beyond evil.
I am sure relationships sometimes do not last and people break up and divorce. The difference is that my ex went beyond this point. He was trying everything in his “power” to make me look like I am crazy.
He broke my heart over and over and then he stomped around on my heart to make sure that all the broken pieces were now reduced to rubble. So there was nothing left.
My heart healed and I picked up the pieces and put them together and I am just fine now. I will never talk to him again as long as I am alive. I communicated with the devil for 20 long years and no way will I ever go back there.
Kaya
You said this perfectly..