UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Remember
This site helps me to see that the same happens to all of us, in different ways, but the end result is the same…heartbreak and mental abuse. It’s hearing that others go through similar experiences that made me open my eyes. I truthfully thought at the beginning of all this, I was alone. LF really helped
Amille2
Yes mine too spoke of his daughter and did not get along great wjth his son…I know his son lived on his own and had alot of issues being “discarded” by his mother..that’s what my ex said.
We really do have similar spaths don’t we..wow
Now I have to laugh JaneD…..yes, his son supposedly had some issues. Of course his ex wife did not handle his son correctly; she always had to be right and knew more than the doctors.
Therefore, he had to step in and raise his son by himself after their divorce.
I have to shake my head at that now.
Yes, they are very similar…..
Amille2
Wow this is hitting close to home lol
Yes his son left living with his mother when they divorced. He did get his own place but had alot of issues with my ex and the mother and himself as well.
According to my ex his son attaches to any women my ex was involved with because the mother wasn’t very present in their lives. She was busy having a career and too busy bringing up the kids, which my ex did most of it…
Then his wife had an affair with his friend and he left his wife…get this…due to her cheating…
After this has been all said and done i question his whole story about his wife cheating
JaneD, have you read about the 180 rule and tells/projecting?
Now when I look back on a story he told me, I immediately flip to the opposite and insert him as the “bad person.”
For example, his wife cheated? That means he cheated and his wife did not.
I can’t think of one thing he told me that was true now…..and that’s good I’m seeing through the BS
Amille
I may have heard of this before.
And I bet you’re right about reversing it and he is the one who cheated…I doubt that since his divorce he suddenly became a cheater. I’m sure now it goes back into the marriage as well.
Or he may have given his ex wife a good reason for her to cheat…
That sounds more
Realistic to me
JaneD, I am convinced that if I talked to his ex wife, everything he said about her is false.
He claims he asked for the divorce. I think she did. LOL, I understand why!
He claims she accused him of cheating. He said, could I imagine that? He’s always been faithful. LOL, yes I can now!
He said she was never home. That she always put her own interests in front of his. Care to bet whose interests came first?
I could go on but you get the picture.
I’ll see if I can find an article on 180 and tells/projecting. It gave me more aha moments.
Do you really know if his wife was money hungry and into her career? She may have fled to save her life.
Consider that the son may attach to women he dates because it’s natural for outgoing children to do so, and not necessarily indicative of a poor relationship with his mother. A good relationship with his mom could facilitate healthy attachment.
It would have been responsible behavior for your ex not to introduce his son to women he is dating until the relationship is serious and there is a future. With spaths no relationship is serious though.
This is very good advice.
I waited a year before I introduced my children to the spath. I thought I knew him.
On bad days, I still beat myself up for not protecting them from him. That I brought such evil into my home;their lives.
Luckily they are too young to fully comprehend what happened. They saw him as a great guy that was generous, made them laugh, played video games.
As they mature, I will teach them more about covert abuse.
Annette
I think what happened in the case with his son is coming from a broken home it affected him. Perhaps his father convinced the kids their mother was not a good person. My ex brought the children up while the mother was a very money hungry woman and tried to have a career leaving him with the kids to take care of.
I think It may have affected his son and he grew up with alot of issues against the parents.
When my ex had a gf the son would apparently become very attached to her and get very upset when the relationship ended because he wanted a female connection very badly and he lacked it at home.
I do agree with not introducing a gf to children. But my ex thought whoever says hello to him was the love of his life, I’m scared to find out how many he did introduce to his kids. And it’s no wonder his kids aren’t speaking to him now that he married a very young girl and took off. They are probably much smarter than he is and think it’s disgusting to do what he did on a whim.
PLEASE REMEMBER EVERYONE….
My Mother’s Narcissist/Sociopath… returned to her
20 years later!!
she fell for it…
and then destroyed her life and future AGAIN.
and this is a woman who gave his child up for adoption in 1970, relocated numerous times so he could not find her … but he always did.
he was kicked out by his second wife… and decided to look up my physically beautiful mom after all of those years… and all her suffering from giving her baby away.
If she had Lovefraud in 1969….
she could have educated herself and acted accordingly, huh?
love to all of you and I am sorry for losing it today.
I just cant believe it.
did Strong leave the site? 🙁
Friends,
In regard to discovering my ex husband abused me (only took me 7 yrs after divorce to realize!), I thought my positivity would at least last for a full day but it hit me last night. HARD. I grieved in a positive way after spath #2, which my ex best friend thought poorly about. I was ‘too positive’ how could it be that I was grieving? I know now that my being positive is really me just being numb and embracing the denial.
So late last night I’m thinking about my ex husband. How could this be? I kept crying and saying out loud to myself “what the fuck?” And then I started hyperventilating. I slowed down, took deep breaths, calmed myself and was able to sleep.
It hit me at that moment I was freaking out. My first first panic attack, (I’ve had 4, all while I was married) was the night after my bridal shower. I could never figure it out. Showers aren’t my thing, but it went well, I felt great about getting married. So what was the panic attack about? I thought about that for years. I thought maybe it was too much? But really, it was a very laid back shower and wedding.
Was that my subconscious speaking? I’m learning through all of this crazy healing that it’s not only my gut I need to listen to, but how my body reacts to things. Our feelings are not always obvious, especially when being manipulated.
I want to run away from myself. I want to be apart from all of this emotion. These emotions I normally preach to others to embrace. How am I going to survive all of this? Regardless of the situation, I typically know that I am strong and will prevail. I feel so weak, like I am breaking.
I want to not give a shit about my ex’s. They are losers in life. So why do I feel like I’m losing? Becuase of THEM? They don’t deserve this kind of power. I’d love to take some responsibility in all of this. After all, I allowed it to happen. I shared and loved too soon. Or what I thought was love.
Holy hell, I’m a mess.
This Too,
I would say you’re not a mess; you’re responding in a normal way to having been treated very abnormally. The way you feel is why it is wrong for your ex’s to treat people like they treated you.
I relate to the panic you felt before being married. I had a lot of unexplained nervousness, feelings of panic, etc. before marrying my ex psychopath. I attributed it to other things, and I self medicated with Kava Kava for a few weeks before the wedding. I didn’t know to listen to my intuition, to what my body is telling me. Women are just not taught these things anymore. In this current culture we are taught to accept just about any treatment from men, because judging someone’s character and the concept of a woman being protected from evil people in the world are not in vogue anymore. Evil is not recognized as a real thing, and people are not taught to avoid it. It went out with the concept of absolute morality.
I perceive that you may have put aside without realizing it years or decades of your natural response to being badly treated, and it will all come out now. An analogy is the experience of an old friend of mine who’s father died when he was seven. The family with good intention told him his dad was on a trip. So he never grieved even though as he grew older the truth was understood. When he was 16 he went out into the woods and screamed and cried grieving for the loss of his dad. This was a long time ago when it was not so well known how to handle losses like this. He is a good friend and his experience has always moved me.
In the case of a spath like your ex, abusers don’t want their victims nor anyone else to know that they are abusing, so they lay on the twisted reality and deceit leaving the victims in confusion and dealing with major cognitive dissonance.
It’s a tough path, but it will feel good too, to get in touch with your real feelings that you’ve been disconnected to for a long time.
Thistoo,
I want to run away from myself. I want to be apart from all of this emotion. These emotions I normally preach to others to embrace. How am I going to survive all of this? Regardless of the situation, I typically know that I am strong and will prevail. I feel so weak, like I am breaking.
I have said almost these exact words before!!!
Yes, the body, the body reacts to these relationships as well.
My menstrual cycle was completely off (never was before and normal now), I had a big cyst I could feel in my breast come and go, stomach aches, fight or flight all the time!
He would say, I never knew someone as intune with herself her body…YEA and you’re causing the breakdown of it!!!
The literature documented people getting ill. He said his ex got cancer then it was gone, yea right, he said she’s skinny she looks like shit- YEA because she had to run thousands of miles away from you while you probably threatened her life!
Your body was reacting to something.
Sorry you didn’t know for all those years.
I know you are a survivor!!!!
Thank you, Remember!
I’m starting to see more of it now and the effects it had on me. I still don’t know what my ex was. He seems more like a narc. Label aside, it clearly wasn’t good.
It reminds me of when I was in and out of the hospital for 4 months before they discovered my celiac, I literally felt like I was on my death bed. It’s auto immune and I was already depressed. There were so many circumstances, including him, I just didn’t know. I was so sick I could barely get out of bed. My entire body broke down. I won’t go into details. My symptoms got to the point of gross and horrible. He was by my side for a while when I’d go to the hospital but after a while he couldn’t take it (in a way I didn’t blame him).
But it was when I was alone in the hospital I fought the most. The last straw was when a doctor discounted me and I cursed/yelled at him to help me! I’ve never advocated for myself like that before. Guess what they discovered the next day by getting me the right help? Yep, advanced celiacs.
I don’t feel healthy right now. I’ve managed to put weight back on but I’m back to not eating enough and not running/mediating. Sure sign I’m not doing well.
I can do this! You can do this!! If we say it enough, it will happen dammit! I can’t let these assholes win!!!
Thistoo,
Do your regular meds still work for you properly?
I remember about the celiac- allergy to wheat I think.
Just listen to your body. If you are tired, rest. If you are hungry, eat. Go gently with yourself, veg out and read, whatever relaxes you.
I think you will get to feeling better.
I gained the 10 lbs because of the meds I got on, I hadn’t been on any before, (years ago),so for me it was new.
Remember,
I think the meds are fine. I’m sleeping and in general keep myself going and stay positive. It’s a recurrence after discovering the ex stuff. And knowing I’ve been monitored for so long. Even not taking care of my body, I am taking steps forward for protecting myself.
You’re right, I’ve been trying to follow how I feel. There’s so much I want to get done and do. It’s only been 2 days of summer break. I’m doing some stuff, more than I did after #1 during summer. But, I’ve been allowing myself to work on my time. If I don’t feel like cleaning, I don’t, etc.
You’re happy with the weight gain on you meds, right? I’ve been on mine for a long time. As you know I uped them when I was with #2. I’ll keep paying attention to how I feel. My anxiety is out of the roof! It was harder for me to get of xanax then it was to quit smoking before so I really don’t want to go there…making an appointment to see my psych though. Better safe than sorry.
I stumbled across that article recently.
My thing fit the sociopath responses. Lol
I think even as Ps they are still all Narcs.
Uggggggh.
For the shelter counselors, in Broward County, you have to sit all day and wait to register, then it’s a lil over a mo th wait for 1 on 1 counseling.
They are good though and know there stuff. My friend is in the system (going through a rough divorce), and she goes to group meetings.
Remember,
That’s quite the process! It sounds like it’s worth it though. I like the group meetings. Where I live they make you go through private counseling for a while before group meetings so that others can’t harm your emotional safety. It makes sense to me, for women to be in a certain place first. However, I also feel support is support! You get from it what you want.
Jane,
That’s just the things he has told you right?
It’s probably all lies!
The stories!
Remember
Yes it’s what he told me.
You’re probably right. Back a few years ago when I met him and heard these stories I was close to tears
Jeez can’t they even tell the truth one time? Providing it’s all false, he’s more ill than I thought
JaneD,
I know how you guys ended, but did you end up realizing a bunch of lies, well, yea, he was dating that girl (new wife) so… he may have been laying on the pitty story, of his ex wife and how she was messed up or non-caring, I mean, that is what they do!
Lay it on thick!! Oh, but lies are mixed with bits of truth.
Remember
Yes good point…their stories probably do have a bit Of truth that way, they don’t think they are lying..I don’t think I ever thought of it this way.
An example could be he told me he “worked” at times for the CIA. He did work for the US govt and has had small contracts from them. So when he wanted to get away to most probably meet another women he would say he’s going away for top secret work.
He probably felt not guilty because the truth in this story would be that CIA and govt are attached and he did work at times for the govt so therefore where’s the lie?
Yeh I know, how confusing to understand but when we are talking about a manipulator and con, that’s how stupid they think
I know that the “base” or initial stories I was told had a kernal of truth.
Or at least I thought they did because I heard the stories from mutual acquaintances.
That’s why I let my guard down.
Once he hooked me? I think he just lied about everything. I can’t think of one thing he told me that was the truth.
I even remember him telling me he played high school football. I remember him telling me like it was yesterday…..he made me laugh at some of his supposed antics.
Later, I asked him about his high school football and he replied that he never played. What?!!
Why lie about that?
TT,
I wrote back to your post about being mad- and I don’t see it anymore. Waaaaaah.
I sent 2 short posts and one longer one about our bodies reacting.
Shucks!
Its there now.
Lol.
I’ve been having technical difficulties for a few days.
:/
I’m going to finish watching Dexter on Netfix, the psychopath with some feelings. LoL
Remember,
Ya, you have!! I posted earlier and it didn’t go through. Not good for my BAD mood. You should see me. I’m ridiculous. The smallest things are setting me off. I’m stomping around my house and cussing under my breath. Every little thing is setting me off. Grrrrrrrrrrrr
Enjoy watching your psychopath with feelings. I started watching the series Sense8 on Netflix. I love it. It’s been a while since I’ve tv gorged. I have a hard time focusing…
Oh, and am playing Sia. Because that song makes me cry. And I desperately need a good cry.
Thank you for being here for me. I wish you could know how much it means to me. Let’s face it, you probably do! 🙂
TT,
You forgot the dammit doll! Go beat his head against the wall dammit!!!
Remember,
I thought of my dammit doll while I was molding clay at art therapy! I love clay but it made me so uncomfortable today. Hence art therapy at a women’s shelter? I feel like my DD would do me harm right now. Hard to explain….