UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
thank you
Thistoo,
I needed to gain that 10lbs I was under weight. I don’t want to gain any more. I have not began exercizing again yet. Not since before spath did I do that.
As you go through the day, when you notice yourself feeling some kind of way- run a mini tape. Compare what you are doing right then to how it felt when you did that when he was your bf.
I do it several times a day. While sitting, readi g, working, remember what it was like with him in your life.
I do take 0.25 mg of zanax only when I need extra help. What I take before bed helps with the anxiety daily. Lol, with my lil diagnosis I got. Haha 🙂
I know you have the extra realization lurking now about your ex husb.
I realized too about my 6 year. In the end one night I had bad pain and had to go to the er, and he got mad that I woke hin up because he had to work in the a.m. I never go unless something is seriously wrong. He got mad and dropped me off. I took a cab after back to his house.
He’s lucky I didn’t die that night! And this is the non spath!
I thought it was gall bladder, it was nothing.
Whatever the label, his behavior and attitude was inappropriate and uncaring in the context of a love based relationship.
Consider how you would have responded if he needed to go to the ER in the middle of the night.
Thank you, Remember.
I will run the mini tape. I like that. 🙂
I don’t want to lose weight again. I feel like I already am. I’m worried about me.
My anxiety has only increased withing the past couple of days. Hopefully I can ground myself again soon! If not, I’ll take action.
I understand you not exercising. After celiac diagnosis and divorce I got down to scary weight. I didn’t exercise for a long time. I was too scared to lose more.
Have a good night. I need sleep now. Thank you again for being here. It’s been a rough night.
To Thistooshallpass, don’t beat yourself up too much. Yes, your emotions may be up and down right now, but it’s all part of the healing. And I don’t believe for a minute that your good day yesterday was from denial or a fluke. It was your heart telling you that it will be OK. Don’t deny today what was comforting and true yesterday. I know this is hard…probably the hardest thing you have ever done. Because your heart is good and someone used that good heart against you. It happened to me too…and to all of us here. We understand when so few others do. We are your friends. It has been suggested to me to do things that bring pleasure, even if it is as simple as buying yourself an ice cream cone. In fact, that might be a good thing to do WHENEVER you are feeling bad…a small symbol that you are OK and that life is OK and that you have friends.
Thistoo, yes I firmly believe that something good will come of this. That once we heal and let go, it will make room for more beautiful things to enter our lives.
Remind me I said this when I’m having bad day 🙂
I find myself having a good day or two, then back to grieving and some pain. Fear that I am destined to always be alone. Then happy that he is gone and I have peace..no more lies!!
I’m all over the place
I guess it is all part of the process.
Annette,
I know, it was hurtful. He normally wouldn’t do that…
I now realize emotional abuse from him after I dated the spath -I now see all of it that was in my life.
He was a stone-waller.
He’s in my life now and we talk about it, well as much as he can, but that’s all.
I was way more affected by the evil, soul sucking sociopath, in just shy of a year.
Remember, Annette, Jan, Blue, Kitty, Amille, Kaya, ALL of my LF friends,
I am so sad right now. Despite all the changes I’ve made, he made himself clear today. I’m hearing his message loud and clear. The decision has been made for me. I’m not safe on here. I’m not safe using any of my electronics, accounts, or any means of communication. I am stuck. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even feel safe calling my counselor right now.
I am a prisoner being held in my own life. Held by technological and psychological force. This much I know, HE will NOT win. This is MY life!
Thank you for being here for me. I don’t mean to be dramatic on this post, but fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don’t know what to do!!!!
I wish you all the best. You are all such strong, caring and empathetic people. You have all helped me so much. I am so sorry you are all experiencing this. None of us deserve this.
I’m asking you for your prayers. I can do this. I am resilient and I will prevail. In the meantime, I could use any help I can get. Especially your prayers and guidance. I won’t be responding anymore but I’d be grateful for any advice you have to offer. How to escape an electronic hold?
This is horrible. I can’t believe this is happening. Is this happening? Running the tape. Yes, it is.
Wow, I wish I had helpful advice. It sounds like you need to go in the witness protection program. Too bad you don’t qualify. Is there any way to make a clean break with your current life, just walk away and start over? Change your name to Jane Smith and move to France or something…
Best of luck to you. Maybe your spath stalker will accidentally step out in front of a speeding bus soon.
This too
It’s amazing how determined some of these crazies are…be safe 🙂
Thistoo, my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you. I have learned so much from your posts.
You will be missed.
Your safety is most important.
Take care of you.
Hi Thistooshallpass…hugs to you hon.
DO NOT LET THIS EVIL MAN ISOLATE YOU. That is exactly what he wants to have full control over you physically and mentally.
You have options:
1) Please call the national domestic abuse hotline in the USA it’s 800-799-SAFE otherwise google your countries hotline. Do this ASAP!!!
2) Ask the hotline for your local abuse center phone number and location and go!!
3) call these hotlines and explain your situation
4) If you can not do this on your phone go to a friends home or family members home and use their phone
or you can buy a throw away phone at walmart, target, kmart, best buy etc (USA stores). If you can not buy the phone for any reason ask a friend/family member to buy you one
5) use a friends/family members computer….open a fake email then use that email to come here for support by opening a new screen name
6) you can go to the public library and use their computers also they are free & you just need a library card which if you don’t have one you can get one by providing your drivers license info. Plus they have pay phones for you to cal the domestic abuse hotline.
7) call your counselor asap!!!
8) bring your phone, computer etc to a computer store that can wipe clean your computer from any soft ware he might have installed on your computer either directly or through an email he might have sent you with a virus on it. It will cost you money but it will be worth it. Then open a fake email account and only use it in emergency situations, use no social media and use your throw away phone when you talk about his abuse or anything you don’t want him to know about.
9) if you do not feel safe coming to LF to comment please come and at least read everything & know you are in our hearts & prayer everyday
10) File a restraining order with the help of your local abuse center
Take your POWER back from this evil man…do not let him control your mind with fear technique reach out for help today/tonight with the National Domestic violence hotline & go to your local abuse center for help they know what to do to help you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE HON…KEEP REACHING OUT FOR HELP!!! 🙂
also you can go to a local church and ask to use their phone to call your counselor & the national domestic violence hotline.
Jan7,
I am worried about TTSP.
Have you heard from her after this post?
Stronginthecity
It’s my understanding she made a deliberate decision to stop posting on this site due to her privacy being compromised regarding a stalker. I don’t think there’s a reason for extra concern about her safety based on that she’s no longer posting here. I don’t think she feels it’s safe to post, so even though it’s difficult not to hear from someone we’ve been in conversation with, I think we need to accept that we won’t hear from her for now.
A safe way to communicate may be to go to a library, coffee shop or other public computer, open a new email account, and only use it on public computers, not on your computer, not on your home internet connection, not use your home router & modem.
Prayers that you will have a resolution to the whole problem soon.
TTSP,
Can you let us know if you are ok?
Stronginthecity
Thistoo,
I agree with Nomorewool. I wish I could fix it!!!!!!!
I said a little prayer for you.
Ugggggggh.
Amille2
Omg yeh why lie about football…what is the point. In his mind he figured yeh I threw a ball around a few times so I’m not lying
Who knows where the base of the truth comes from with that statement
Ps mine too played hs football..
Amille2
Good point..I have no proof that his wife is money hungry. I don’t know anyone in his family and wouldn’t be able to speak with anyone
I do doubt that he is innocent in this whole thing with the wife. She probably did take off on him, i know i would. There’s no way he suddenly became as warped as he is in the past few years. I’m sure his mental and emotional abuse towards others goes way back…I would think.
I don’t think they teach themselves to be this way…although he did get his masters in psychology as an older adult. Who knows, perhaps studying this behavior gve him ideas how to treat ppl badly.
Amille2
Actually I take that back. No way he learned through studying how to become a n or s. if so he would be very sorry how he has treated me because he would never have done it before..so no, by the lack of his rem
Sorry finger slipped..
At the lack on his remorse, it shows he is a pro at treating ppl badly.
I think he lied about football because he liked to lie….like to see what he could get away with.
Like to see me confused when I would say, but I thought you told me you played football….”
He told me he had a high IQ and a couple degrees. LOL, now I have no idea if that was true. He seemed smart, surely sounded like he knew what he was talking about. But isn’t that one of the characteristics?
amille2
wow mine liked to confuse me and he did a good job watching me get confused while i waas confronting him with things i had discover”he would say he couldn’t hear what i was saying, he would point to his ears and say “what?’, he would somehow manage to bring up a completely unrelated topic”and being the nice person i am, i allowed him to avoid my questions! i didn’t harp or repeat more than twice, i didn’t want to offend him..
as far as IQ, mine did the exact thing”being thrown all over the country as a child and not getting to finish education, he was determined as an adult”he did very well in his courses to obtain his masters..he was always maintain a 4.0 gpa.
unless he was a master messing around and making it look like that, i believe he was a very intelligent man”i do think i have heard these ppl are indeed intelligent. they probably have to be to come up with their crap anyway”
yeesh i was having a not so great day today, until i came here 🙂
JaneD….and therein lies my problem. I’m too worried about not offending or wanting to be nice.
That’s probably why I was a perfect target.
I don’t know how to stop that line of thinking after all these years. I want to tho. I really want to be someone who can communicate boundaries and if it offends? Oh well…..
Yes much changing of the subject or responding with something unrelated…but flattering so he’d stop me with those words….
Amazing how much we thought we knew about these guys….and how little we do.
Ameille,
I read the 180 rule too, most of what my ex said was lies.
The stuff he would say or how he described his ex, just didn’t make sense. Maybe some was true…
I couldn’t understand- then why did you have two babies with her? He loved to tell me how he wanted kids, how he CHOSE to have his kids. He even liked to mention, how he remembers the night he made his son.
Inappropriate much?
Remember
Yuck.. yes a little inappropriate
Remember, it is somewhat incredible to look back now at what they said, isn’t it? At the time, I’m not sure I completely believed him but I thought I had no reason not to.
Now it seems so obvious it was BS.
Of course we didn’t know who and what we were dealing with.
Yeah mine had nothing nice to say about his ex….ever. She probably finally learned the truth and ran. I can’t blame her.
Mine said inappropriate things too….about past sexual escapdes like yours and creating his son. I chalked it up to him being immature and socially awkward.
amiile, remember,
i too believed some stupid things he would tell me..i do know though in my mind when hearing his weird stories, there was that little voice inside telling me “what he is saying is weird” and i buried that thought and gave him the benefit of the doubt”grrrrr i really wish i hadn’t, some of those things were enough for a dumb person not to believe”
and when it came to inappropriate things, he said many sexual things and had many odd requests for me to do, which i did not do, of course. he was just plain, inappropriate all the time, sneaky and so sly”even to look at him he looked deceitful”
socially awkward YES amille, very very much so
his voice would change when speaking to someone he didn’t know, almost like he was afraid to be heard, very very soft spoken and quiet..i remember that was probably one of the first things i observed as weird…
JaneD…. Funny because he’d tell a lie and make it believable. But now when I repeat it or say it to myself? I can’t believe how I didn’t catch the obvious. How it sounds so ridiculous! like you, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.
Mine was very good with superficial conversations. He made “friends” everywhere we went. It was one of the things that drew me to him. I tend to be more introverted.
However, when he went with me on a trip with some of my friends? He was very awkward. Trying to show everyone how wonderful he is….that narcissist one upmanship. I thought he was nervous….meeting them for the first time.
Now I know he just couldn’t relate to a group of people who had deep friendships…
Amille2
Did your friends see right through him? Was he convincing that he was a good guy?
I dont recall more than one or two ppl he ever socialized with. He was more a loner. I think too he was socially awkward. Never went out or socialized. In fact when he visited, we never did anything to do with going out. Only one friend met mine and she warned me at that time but was nice to him when seeing him. She always felt something was “off” when she saw him.
And of course he was nice to everyone..every time he arrived at the airport here, he would have some story about how wonderful he was with a person he’d met on the plane. Yuck
My one friend thought he was very nice. That it must have been hard for him to join a group of people that had known each other since grade school. The others didn’t say much. They live out of town and I’m not the type and call, “hey, did you like my boyfriend?”
When I told people we broke up, I just said, “he wasn’t who I thought he was.” A few thought he was odd. Close friends I said he cheated. Surprisingly (or not), I heard, “really? He doesn’t seem like the type.”
I gave up trying to talk to my girlfriends about the spath/narc aspect. They can’t comprehend.
What did people say when your relationship ended?
LOL on being wonderful to people on the plane. They always always have to shine in their minds don’t they?