UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
JD,
Yep, what a slime. Not sure what he was going for- it was pure crazy making to me.
I remember the night we made my son.
I didn’t bring it up until a later day/argument.
There was always some crazy comments he would come out with…
He is an inappropriate being.
JD,
And Mr dad doesn’t have the kids that he wanted to so badly create. If she was incapable and he is so great, then he would be trying to get them.
Imagine her and the 2 kids sleeping in the bedroom, 1 bed only,small 1 bedroom apt, while he was out sleeping on the couch probably watching his porn all night!!!!!!
Disgusting.
im feeling depressed again. how did i always allow him to talk me out of my gut feelings
He lied, he deceived you. He worked hard to control you and to manipulate you. He is very skilled at abusing people.
All abusers act ‘nice’ at first until they hook their victims
Hi Kittylover,
He was able to do that because that’s what he does.
There is a post from Slimone on the sucks me into the drama thread that I just replied to.
Explains it perfectly.
I don’t have the strength to do it and don’t feel it’s right to cut and paste Slims comments.
She is removed for many years and really has given some clear and very helpful advice.
I’m sorry you are having a bad day.
It will pass, have faith Megan.
Your LF buddy,
Stronginthecity
Ameille,
Yep, talk talk talk they love to talk. If you listen and analyze most of it is word salad.
I had no reason to not belive him at first either.
Hmph.
Kittylover, when we bond with another person, we allow that person to affect us. We listen to them and consider their ideas and feelings, letting some of them become our own. We take them into our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls. It is normal and human. In a healthy relationship, this is a positive thing. We can be attracted to someone very different from us, and through them, we can grow and expand our world. When we break up, we can say we learned something from that person, and it was a good experience. With a sociopath, however, it can destroy us. There is no constructive learning, only destruction. It does not mean we were stupid or naive. It means we unknowingly trusted the wrong person. There is nothing wrong with the fact that you trusted him. You just trusted the wrong person. But (and here’s the good news), that DOESN’T mean you can’t still learn something positive from this relationship. Perhaps the lesson will be more profound than with your past (healthier) relationships.
star ans annette ….. im crying in gratitude to your posts that i just read w my coffee and kitty in my lap. i cant thank you enough. thank you for your validation. i wish all my friends could read these words. i look pretty dumb and pathetic to them. friends tried to rescue me frim this abduction type of relationship. i didnt want to believe my friends. i wanted to believe him and the picture he was painting was everything i ever wanted
i am so grateful for and love you all
stargazer.
beautiful and thank you for understanding
I know how you are feeling. I was the same two for two days. Couldn’t leave my bed I was so exhausted, so depressed.
My mind was going a mile a minute and I was crying. Completely broken. Emotionally exhausted. But like these lovely women shared already it’s because you have a heart. People with hearts are effected by the people they love. We didn’t know it was word salad and I think that’s why we were chosen. ( among other reasons). The fact you are hurting and that you bonded speaks of YOU and what a good person you choose to be and ARE. I’ve come to realize one thing. We loved these people- and they can destroy us and they can break us buy you know what? In the end we are still who we are. Loving caring people. They don’t have that. Imagine how empty their lives are if they can’t appreciate anything?! Be proud of you kitty. I know his hurts like hell but that’s because we loved them. They don’t and didn’t deserve our love. But most of all they don’t deserve to be near loving people. Hey deserve to be around their kind. Devoid of bonding. Devoid of trust or love. Imagine if you never felt the beauty of love? Of what a best friend actually is? Of what a pet can have with you? Of family.
I’ve spent days in bed mourning our relationship. Every promise he had made and never made happen and make it seem like he never said it or time went by and made it seem like it had to be now or never ( his time) like the promises he had made to me when I was at the hospital for treatments. Ex: “we’ll celebrate your birthday and it’ll be ok and make it special as soon as you come out” ( when he acknowledged my bday) reality: I came out from my biopsy and he refused to pick up his phone for a week. When we spoke he pretended he never left a message. Stonewalled and changed the subject. I was taught to never bring it up again.
Megan we deserve better.We all deserve to be loved. We are good people. They are not. They aren’t truthful with us or to themselves. We deserve truthful people. Loving people. ( my new mantra).
You know what else hurt really bad?
My EX best friend devalued me and smeared me saying I was doing things that SHE was doing to ME! All while I was reeling from the Spath and trying to gain composure!
She’s been on meds for years and they don’t even work.
I was in shock- but it was easier to let her go then the bond with the Spath.
I will never speak to her again.
Hi Gang,
I just want to say hello and share a little something that I found quite interesting and that made me think of you all.
I am working with a fabulous musician who has had a successful career… especially in south America. Long story short…. he is older than myself… and we are not interested in getting involved physically or romantically…
we actually make jokes… b/c we look and act a lot alike… are same nationality on one side and have the same birthday!
We stopped during rehearsal last night and went and got a bite to eat. As we were eating…. I wish you could have seen it….
he was talking about his past… how the celebrity life of his stature of musician… left many temptations and how women … and I have seen this for myself. as I was with a well known violinist for two years… how women are offered to him after performances, etc. He said that he had loved his exwife with all of his heart… and his family, but that at one point he did give in to the temptation and payed for it with his life. She divorced him.. the family was broken, etc. He said, “Why oh why did I do such momentary pleasures when I loved my wife and family so much?”
He told me…. that he had gotten wrapped up in experimenting with drugs and sex. He looked up at the sky as we were eating. His eyes got a little watery… and he said something like, “you are such a good, true person (Kitty) that even if we did not have a professional relationship… and I was interested in you…. I would never allow you to get involved with someone who has done the things I d before… you deserve better…. and a man like me does not deserve to be with a quality woman like you… and I would never want you to0 have to deal with womanizer I can be.
You are a good woman and do not deserve that.”
So here is a player.. who admits he is a player. (And no.. he is not trying to get into my pants. We aren’t going that way… )and who tells me early on in meeting him… hey… I got womanizing issues… I am full of shit… do not ever take me seriously as a man b/c I am really fucked up.
and yet….
my N…. would say just the opposite….
and was a player….
I am not explaining this properly.
what I saw last night was not evil. It was an acquaintance admitting he is messed up and lives a musician lifestyle……
and yet my ex N spath….
was a TRUE PLAYER… LIKE DOUBLE LIVES AND STUFF… but saying he was the most trustworthy man. Married 22 years. Hed never lie or cheat on a partner. I was the best thing I could find and hed never hurt me.
the musician is a player with a conscience….
the spath…… had no conscience which is why he saw the same QUALITY, KIND, TALENTED WOMAN…. but went after her as if he were a hawk….all the while denying what he really was..
Oh…. I am not making any sense.
I guess…. I am glad and so much more respect men… and I have had a few other friends tell me upfront… they are promiscuous, not commitment oriented, etc. Then I CAN DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO DO.
Whereas… the evil ones… the narcs and spaths….
tell you they are just the opposite…. and lure you in all the more.
One is a player. One is cold hearted, conscienceless predator.
maybe this makes no sense… but I understand what I am trying to say.
oh well. I tried.
love to all of you.
I think I understand what you mean. In my experience spaths are skilled at saying whatever works to manipulate a particular victim. If it will work over all to say they are a player who regrets it, they will say that. If it will work to say they never cheat, they will say that. What the truth happens to be doesn’t matter to them.
It’s helpful when deciding whom to allow into one’s circle of close friends to spend time to get to know people in a variety of settings, get to know their family and close friends, and note what they do rather than what they say. This process happens naturally when people have a chance to interact over a long time period, in settings that involve activities and groups of people.
Yes, all the normal things that the spath was not really interested in- and avoided.
:/
Annette, I think this is one of the most important things I failed to do and learned the hard way…. I attached too much significance to what was said…
I didn’t stop to see that the actions did not match those words.
When a person is honest and cares about others’ well being, we don’t need to look for a disparity between words and actions. It’s not a natural thing to do. Because of evil and predators, we need to learn to defend ourselves from them. Sad.
amille
you are right about attaching significance to their words”when really we should be watching their actions, because they do speak louder than words”or perhaps their bark is bigger than their bite, or they walk the walk but don’t talk the talk”
i guess they all mean the same thing and nothing ever was on the same level most of the time
Yes….I thought I was seeing loving actions….helping around the house, gifts, cards…..but those are token gestures aren’t they?
Lying, infidelity….. Those aren’t actions one does if they proclaim love.
Taking things slowly and not rushing to judgement are going to be exercises I need to relearn.
I used to think I was a pretty good judge of character
Me neither. I focused on what was said. When I started to question why his promises never met his actions- that’s when his verbal abuse would come out to play. He would play hide and seek, abandon games and use my past childhood to wheel me in/ and manipulate me. I see that now bit by bit.
I agree with Annette. 100%. When it’s a good person,their integrety and character match. There is no discrepancies.
We just have given trust when they did nothing to earn it.
He too avoided the different settings. I was not allowed to meet his coworker friends. I doubt they knew I existed or I was the old gf that made him miserable ( God forbid I ask for him to behave responsibly and respectful!)
I know of one thing, when mine cheated ( the one time I know of) he used his coworker friend as an excuse. That he was told he deserved to be happy and cheating was ok.
Needless to say- that came out by accident and he quickly changed the subject but I have remembered that recently. But any time their was a wedding, or a party he would never invite me. Ever. It would be in a text message ” I’m at this party even with coworkers can’t talk”. To the extent of you don’t have those get together a with a coworker. Call them your friends. As for family events it was always an excuse. So and so was sick so skip the holidays ( at the beginning the first two three years of the relationship) he upheld that I was actually “invited”, but thereafter it was just the silent treatment or it was my fault that I wasn’t invited worthy.
I believed him. I believed I wasn’t worthy to be included. I’m realizing I am worthy. He was brainwashing and abusing me.
It’s very important to get to know the person and their friends and their surroundings.
If they don’t want it. Avoid it its a red flag.
As a significant other you should be included regardless of whatever is going on.
The actions speak a lot.
I didn’t see his actions. In the end he made it very clear that because I questioned a lot. The relationship was not steady and he was too embarrassed to let his coworkers see that. His family see that. And he would do nothing to help build it to a stable level with me.
In other words. Red flags.
I believed him. I loved him. I have my trust without him earning it. If anything just his reasons should have shown me how devaluing view he had upon me.
Blue,
That sucked….my ex pulled similar crap on me, to the extent of hiding inside my apartment when his sister was knocking on my door, and she knew he was there.
What a loser!
Kitty,
We understand.
He is being honest about who he is because unlike Jerry the slimeball he feels guilty.
Stronginthecity
how do I delete my last post? just made a fool of myself.
If Ted Bundy approached you and said.. Oh… if you come to my car I will kill you…..
you at least know what you are dealing with.
If he is sweet and has a cast on his leg and drops his book and asked you to please walk him back to his car… and rapes and kills you BECAUSE YOU WERE KIND….
THAT IS EVIL… and you had nooooo idea what you were dealing with b/c the predator put on a false front to catch you.
You did not make a fool out of yourself. You are showing that there are normal people out there who make mistakes and take responsibility for the consequences. And then there are sociopaths. They are in a category all to themselves, never showing any remorse or taking any responsibility. A sociopath would have either A) denied that he cheated; or B) blamed his wife. And C) he would have had you in bed by now. That is how you can tell the difference. A sociopath my feign remorse for a short time to get something from you. But the mask will slip eventually.
BTW, I also know a few musicians (men) who have succumbed to the lifestyle. Some outgrow it. Some never do.
Damn that is a great response Star. Thank you.
and…. it shows that there are people who cheat or are sex addicts or whatever… but as this musician told me last night….
he said that he can tell I am a very good person and feel things deeply and that he would never allow himself to hurt someone like me.
Wow.
it is kind of how I see my dear exhus…. got divorced 15 years ago. he was the kindest most loving man I have ever met. b/c of my untreated Major depression and anorexia…. I stole several years from this man’s life… b/c I was s ill and needed treatment. I was even mean to this dear social worker… b/c of the pain I was in and he did not deserve to be treated with anything other than respect.
I eventually.. after he tried EVERYTHING for years. forgiveness. support. therapy. I finally let go…
he met a woman who is just perfrect for him. He is now happy and married and has te most beautiful little baby I have ever seen. He and I are stil great friends… he is like a brother to me.
I am glad I let go… and went into treatment… b/c he was able to find a healthier woman… who was also able to give him a baby which he deserves (My anoiexia prevented that.. )
Letting him go… was a huge act of love on my part..
My untreated traumas, depression, anxiety and anorexia were not only killing me… but were killing him.
If I could go back…. I would have either have gotten huge help (I DID NOT KNOW I WAS SO SICK!!!) or I would have not gotten involved with a man who saves crack babies for a living and defends victims of Domestic Violence.
kittylover
there are good honest people out there who are like this man you are speaking of, warning you in advance his problems and then there are people out there who PRETEND to want to warn you of their problems and say they would never hurt you”in my case i had the opposite of the man you met..
when we met my ex claimed things that he would never hurt a good woman like me, i am so special and he is not somebody to be involved with, his past was full of women who he had hurt, and his life was pure hell”BUT he would never hurt me
three years later he did exact opposite of what he said”he hurt me very badly having an affair (and claiming she was nothing to him) with a much younger woman and then leaving me after our vacation together and married her”
again saying how he never meant to hurt me, i am wonderful, he didn’t lie through our time together”.this was all pure bull”he wasn’t even trying not to hurt me, he did what he wanted and thought of the consequences only after he did the damage, which ws to please his own selfish wants and needs, thinking of nobody else
only to return with his love bombing and once again claim, he didn’t want to hurt me, she means nothing, he made a huge mistake, i am everything he ever wanted”.this went on about four times since last summer now”
so what i am saying is the man you met was honest and told you upfront and hopefully he is true to his word and btw you didn’t make a fool of yourself!
and the man i was with was doing the same thing as your friend by telling me his faults, but he DID NOT have the intention to want to save me from having a relationship with him, he was lying and manipulating regardless of his faults he disclosed to me, regardless of how special i was to him and he went right ahead and lied and cheated anyway and only after did he worry about how he had hurt me (actually no, he didn’t worry how he hurt me, he knew very well what he was doing)
so stargazer is right when she says there are the differences between the two”as long as your friend abides by his word, he is an honest man
It’s best to remain open minded about any new friends until we have gotten a chance to know them over time. It’s very helpful to be in the habit of not assuming the best nor assuming the worst about anyone right away based on just a few things, and just take things at face value, until more information surfaces. It’s a natural process that happens over time.
yes remain open minded is important and true
you know there are ppl who are bad and you know there are good ppl
now that you are aware of the two types”remain open minded.. don’t expect to get hurt, but watch out for the red flags and if there are any, now you know what you are dealing with”
not to say every single person is a bad person, but once you’ve been burned, keep your guard up and go with how it makes you feel” remain open minded..key word
Dear kittylover, the things you have gone through in your life give you a certain type of insight, wisdom, and compassion that is uniquely yours. Your history is part of your life purpose. There will be others who come along and see your inner beauty. Some will be decent people. Some will not. It’s a wonderful feeling when someone “sees” your beauty. But don’t ever be addicted to that feeling or need it to come from the outside. If you do, recognize that you do, and ask yourself why. Know who you are on the inside and know your own beauty. Know what you are about, and what you will and will not stand for. That way, men can come and go in your life, but they will not be able to sway you from your course. Perhaps some day one will come along that is walking a similar path and who is an asset to your life rather than a liability.
Me too. Me too.
Wow…
Watching the Today Show with the prisoners who romanticized and charmed a prison guard to get her to assist them in an escape!!!!!
some doctor is talking and saying prisoners are Master Manipulators.
This is helping to educate society.
Of course the prison guard was trained about these antisocials….
but they worked on her low self esteem…
and used her…
glad this is being broadcast.
it shows that no matter how educated you are on these assholes… they are evil enough to work your heart and kindness… both of which they themselves lack.
amille2
when my relationship ended ppl immediately said “wow I’m sorry but we warned you”
i am not sure there was anyone who felt he was a good person, only one person had met him but i had told a few good friends about him, and they thought the whole thing was strange from the get go”
maybe they saw the red flags before i did, i don’t know”
i didn’t discuss too much with them after the break up because like you said they don’t comprehend and they were not understanding, feeling i went ahead with the relationship knowing they warned me, and i respect their opinion but unless anyone has dealt with it, theres no point discussing it with them.
and yes, always have to shine, he had a story for everything”of course, he was superman each time”
like we mentioned before, there could be a tiny bit of truth to the stories he pretends to be the hero in, but just a tiny bit of truth and then he embellishes from that point..
JaneD, I’m sorry your friends took that approach. You are absolutely correct. They did not walk in hour shoes. They don’t understand how and what they said to us.
It is also very easy to sit back and say things in hindsight. Or after you have all the facts.
I hope today is better…
Hi amille
Thank you today is better. I have good and bad but I think it’s been longer that my ex left than you discovered the obit? I shd be feeling good but I have ups and downs. Compared to last summer, I’m much better an didn’t think the nightmare would end
I’m in a happier space in my head now, now that I see what he really is.
Do I miss him? I do…but life would be misery with him. I miss his kindness and humor and things like that..but knowing what was going on behind the scenes in his brain, is what convinces me that he was all a hoax.
I hope you stay on LF because it’s new for you and it will help you to see clearly, not right away, but slowly.
If you take notes on your thoughts today and continue to do so, six months down the road you may see a change of heart of how you feel.
You haven’t heard from him recently? How are you going about your NC?
Hope you’re having a good Friday 🙂
JaneD, this forum is the only place I know I where everyone understands what we went through! I also enjoy the camaraderie …..I only wish we lived closer for in person support. I will be here for awhile.
Someday I hope to give back to others more than I seem to take.
I understand missing them. In fact, I just read an article yesterday about how victims of spaths remember the “good” about their abuser before the bad. I guess our hearts still need to catch up with our brains.
Good idea on journaling! I’m going to start doing that. You are right it will let me see progress when I don’t think I’m making any.
Unfortunately I didn’t block my phone properly so he is still trying to suck me back in. I called the cell phone company they promised he is now blocked.
The only way for him to contact me is through the post office and in person.
I did not respond to the text. No desire. It really is quite insulting if you think about it…he claims to love and miss me. Via text? No effort there.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want him to pursue. Once again…. It Highlights meaningless words.
I’m glad you are in a better place. It is so awful what they do to our thoughts, beliefs, self esteem…..
Take care of you!
Amille
I’m sorry you’re still hearing from him. Do you know what he has been saying? Most probably that the obit situation wasn’t true and all something his crazy wife imagined? Yeh ok…
As far as giving advice you do just as good as anyone, anyone who has experienced this behavior has valuable advice to give. We have all gone through different things but in the end we see what others went through and we relate and we learn. Just telling your story is letting everyone see we aren’t the only ones who dealt with it.
I find the journaling, making a list of good/bad traits, and even writing to them without sending it, helped me so much. When I wrote the good and bad qualities, I couldn’t believe the type of bad I was writing. Things I hadn’t thought of, kept pouring out on paper. When I get down I think of that list and those bad qualities outnumber the good by a huge amount. Not just bad things he did to me, things that really bugged me as well like the way he guzzled down a drink, something as silly as that!! I was picking apart everything…it’s good
To read it every
Once in a while.
We have made some good friends on here it’s a shame we have to be so secretive and anonymous and live far from one another. It would be nice if we lived closer 🙂
It’s o.k. JaneD. I actually think of that message getting through as a blessing. It certainly is another lesson learned.
First, it ultimately led to Blue laughing. And if I can contribute anything to making Blue laugh….Remember’s comment about true love behind a computer screen is spot on.
Secondly, I could finally read something he wrote with my new eyes/knowledge. It was all about him!!! Imagine that. And JaneD, he isn’t even trying to explain or apologize about the obit. He is acting like it doesn’t exist. At least I know my email address is down. He mentioned that all his emails are bouncing back.
Lastly, while I thought I was NC immediately after I joined the forum, I was actually No Reply. I was ignoring all the emails……until he sent one accusing me of hurting him! I ended up replying (remember I was only in my first week or so of “breaking up” with him) because I felt I needed to let him know that I now know he is living/married to someone else (I didn’t know all of that when I told him it was over; just had the obit). My reply was short to the point and emotionless. I expressed no anger, no accusations, nothing. Just that I knew, it was over, please don’t contact me.
Annette told me it didn’t matter what I wrote. He engaged me. That’s when I completely blocked everything (or thought I did with my phone; please note that I’m not tech savvy at all!!).
And as usual, she was right. In the text he referenced “my anger.”
Therefore, that just goes to show you we might as well being talking to a brick wall with them. They don’t care what we have to say, what we are feeling, our request that they leave us alone……..it’s just all about them, how we have “wronged” them, how we owe them, how we hurt them, etc. etc.
I have a feeling when I write the good vs. bad traits in my journal…….the bad traits are going to add up much quicker than the good.
I hope you have a peaceful day!