UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
JD, Ameille,
Funny that my ex would be the one to mention a few times how, while throwing out some word salad, then adding that’s why the/his words aren’t matching the actions…I think he said the therapist mentioned something to him about something not matching up either.
Strange…..maybe he had been told that before. His words don’t match the actions.
They are all walking condradictions.
Of course he had answer for why his actions didn’t match. Mine had all sorts of reasons and stories and explanations..,I think he had been called out before too. He beat me to the punch of having to ask why?
The bottom line is that his actions didn’t match his words.
I was just all too willing to believe the word salad. Willing to give the benefit of the doubt.
Remember
Walking contradictions lolol
You are making me laugh…it’s so true
Amille
After reading your post about his small gestures and gifts he got you…I thought to myself how nice for the little gifts she received, at least. I don’t mean the lying and dishonesty I mean the real life gifts. Then I started to think back..I never received one gift from him, ever…that’s another bad point to add to my not good list. Ok yes I’m
Lying, he would bring a bottle of perfume from the duty free shop at the airport each visit, that was the extent of it. I don’t wear perfume. That was ok that he thought to get something when visiting because you usually do that when staying with someone. But it was very impersonal and I feel he did it because it was not costly but not because it was a special gift. I think i may have appreciated the perfume if he were a good person. It was just weird. Oh and he never knew my bday, imagine that? Lol I don’t know where all this is coming from; things are popping up as I write lol
JaneD, he was very generous with gifts.
However, they were bribes. Tools to manipulate.
“If I give her gifts, she will be good and compliant. She will think I’m wonderful, caring, generous,etc. They will blind her to the fact that I’m lying and cheating.”
All of them, along with the cards, went in the trash for that very reason.
I know how you feel. From the govko I made it clear that if we ever mess up or hurt each other please do not show up with a bribe. Because of my childhood I wanted things to be healthy. Now I realize I should have kept that to myself to see what he would have done.
Whenever he bought me a gift, it was a gift for himself. Anything I wanted or needed he would get his siblings ( and they would be “gee thanks but I don’t want/or need this.) or mother. He would get me these random, and very obvious gifts that had no connection to me whatsoever. It always bewildered me. I questioned it and that was the end of gift giving from him. It was my fault because I didn’t appreciate it. ( even though I was cordial and appreciative and only questioned him once of how he thought of me when getting the gift). Mine knew when my birthday was and would silence me. Never answer my phone calls, texts at least a week before. Or sometimes we made plans ( or he would ignore me when I asked him if he wanted a one on one time with me – litterally id ask him and he would stare at me like I just didn’t speak! I’d ask again and he would leave the room for a phone call to make or say he had somewhere to be. When he would come back it’s like I said nothing).
I think it says a lot. Surely warning signs. Normal people don’t do that! I see that now. You can tell a lot of a person in this circumstance. ( never thought of it before).
I’m sorry he couldn’t “remember” your birthday. ( I think it’s bs, I think he did and lied). You deserved better. Everyone deserves to be celebrated and loved. Either on their birthday or other days. Hugs
Blue,
Your ex sounds like a very subtle sophisticated abuser. My ex psychopath was similar. The purpose is to torture the victim with confusion, with trying to fix the impossible, etc.
I don’t think you should have kept your request to yourself. It’s healthy in relationships to share what is important to you. When a spath wants to abuse, it doesn’t matter what the victim does – the outcome is always the same, because the spath has decided before he even met the victim what his agenda is and how he is going to treat her. It’s a game to them.
Huh. It’s true. What you said it’s true. I was ALWAYS confused. Always. When I would ask to for clarity Boom something else to confuse me with- or I would get to be ignored. For several days.
He made me feel like it was my fault. ALL the time. He also did certain things looking back played on my childhood. Now I understand why I reacted in certain lights the way I did. I also see I didn’t react to his agenda and he wouldn’t know what to do.
I don’t think he knew how people who’ve been abused as kids react. We are just hurt or we question. But this guy got annoyed. Once or twice hed say I didn’t act like the others. Which again confused me but now I see it could have meant something. He also would use my past as a reason that I was the crazy one and he was settling for me. ( his last attempts) if I didn’t drop asking questions for clarity.
Looking back I was trying to be healthy. Open and honest. Needing communication but truthfully I was too honest. I let him know everything and he used that to feed me and wheel me in. I think in the future I won’t be so open or honest until the person actually prooves to be a healthy non abuser and non psychopath.
It’s true. There were times when I thought an felt like I was abused but since it wasn’t like I was used to I couldn’t put my fingers on it. I know my doctor pointed out some behavior he saw and said it was abusive and male partners shouldn’t do that. I need to make a list of all the times I had that feeling and discover the underlining behavior he was doing so I can see it next time if it comes up. I know the silent treatment was a sure sign. When I pointed it out to him that it was emotionally abusive. He never apologized he just said he didn’t know and wouldn’t do it again.
That was the only acknowledgment he gave. Otherwise he would stop it immediately. Or he would lash out saying I was calling him an abuser and I had no idea what abuse was and I was crazy and damaged goods. ( which is abuse in itself). I should have walked away. Much much sooner. But I believed if I loved enough I would be loved in return. Boy was I wrong.
Thank you for your post.
Blue light
I’m very sorry for what your ex has put you through. Nobody deserves that treatment. He wouldn’t speak with you just because you wanted to
Get together on your bday is very cruel. These ppl just get worse and worse all the time. He’s a very very mean man on top of being a sociopath. It’s almost as though he punished you for even speaking!
This is a very dark red flag…he shd not be associated with anyone he is
Downright cruel. This is also one of those examples where his actions are to be watched. Annette was correct. You know now at least, I guess in a way it’s a good thing that you learned although it’s heartbreaking.
I hope you never have to deal with him again
Thank you your beautiful beautiful words as well 🙂
You know you are right. He did punish me for speaking. Again I never looked at it this way. Also the people who saw things happen just wanted him out of my life and don’t really understand your need to talk about it and work things out.
Yes. I noticed the patterns in the end. He would just “disappear”, or claim he was “busy at work”. When in reality he was at home playing computer games or laughing at a bar “working” with his buddies.
It hurt a lot. He didn’t want to celebrate my birthday, would disappear and every year it would come and go and he would promise me months in advance and when it came to it the same patterns would emerge. Towards the seventh year ( I was with him for eleven) it was torture. My friends by now questioned why he wasn’t ever around on that day, and I just would be so hurt and embarrassed and down I wouldn’t want to do anything with anyone and cry to sleep. When I missed it because of being in the hospital- I was almost thankful. When he would reemerge he would never mention it. God forbid if someone gave me flowers though. He would stand there and seeth at them and would make angry comments until they were gone.
Now I’m going to think about all the ways he punished me for. Try to make some sense of it. Thank you for your perspective. Much to think about.
bluelight
it almost sounds like he purposely makes himself scarce when your bday comes around..perhaps he doesn’t want you getting any attention, who knows how they think.and we don’t want to tell this to our friends because we know what they will say, we are trying to cover up for them, and we shouldn’t have..
disgusting that he didn’t even acknowledge anything when you were in the hospital”it is very hurtful, especially when we do so much for them.. also we don’t disclose their faults just so we can save their ass, we don’t want them to look bad, so we suffer for it”
mine didn’t acknowledge mine either, but when someone asked i acted as though he had given me something
Amielle,
Same’ol same’ol…
Love bombimg via e-mails and text during the break-up.
Really, love of your life, while you just sit at your computer and type? Riiiiight.
Exactly Remember!
Probably on a date with someone else….texting in front of her…
You have me laughing. Actual laughing.
Yep that was my extent of receiving “love romantic actions”. He would write one vulnerable email with one vulnerable sentence of how he missed me or realized I deserved to be treated better after he would silence me. Made it out to be such a BIG gesture and how painful it was to admit. Seriously people? When you love someone behind a computer?
Thanks for this post. You made me see how pathetic they can be and how much we sacrifice for them and how little they do for us. Big deal. An email can take two seconds. When you break someone’s heart they actually deserve better. They deserve real effort.
I am in so much emotional pain right now… and now my stomach. and Ive lost 10 pounds and my period just came early for the FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.. most likely from stress, shock, weightloss.
Everything my ex said and done in my 20 years marriage left me confused and in a foggy state of mind. Sometimes the things he said made no sense but we’re suppose to make me think I am crazy.
Now I know it was a part of his evil game plan. He wanted me confused, he wanted me to believe I am crazy , he wanted to destroy me. Every waking hour with him was a struggle, a walking on eggshells, it was so exhausting. I don’t know how much to work, cook, clean , cater to him. I really don’t know.
What was very painful for me was his military voice in which he often yelled at me , followers by silent treatment. It left me shaken inside and on edge. It was horrible. I was a fearful little puppet day and night. My most enjoyable times were when he was deployed with the army for a year at a time I was almost free then but now I am totally free of him. What a blessing.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20180/why-highly-sensitive-people-attract-narcissists-how-to-disengage.html
You know I’m thinking the same thing. He couldn’t be honest and he couldn’t ignore me all the time- so what else is left for someone who needs to understand a bit? Confuse them. Evading. I have to google and see what comes up. See how many things he did.
Sigh these people are such unhealthy creatures. I feel like the fog is lifting and I can finally see what he’s been up to.
I kicked my spath out end of april and today I received a phone call from a young girl.. from out of town of course… crying. she just found out from someone else (who pulled her aside and gave her my info) about me. HE WAS LIVING WITH ME FOR A YEAR. WE WERE SUPPOSEDLY ENGAGED. She said she met him on dating site…. so he was doing this stuff… as I was nurturing him and his broken leg in my home!!!!! Being love and sex bombed and forever bombed every minute.
he has been proclaiming love and forever since March. said he lived with a roommate.
HOW OH HOW CAN EVIL LIKE THIS GET AWAY WITH THIS?
she too.. no family around. new to area. in the fine arts too. isnt’t that interesting.
I am soooooo SICKENED AND ANGRY.
and mostly at myself which is the worst part.
today I had a therapy dog come to visit my dear dementia residents. this one pup was a Golden Retriever and the kindest, calmest animal I have ever met.
My residents and I were joking about how this dog is probably not a good watch dog for his family.. BECAUSE SHE IS SO KIND AND LOVES EVERYONE!
the owner said we were right. That if I bad guy walked in their front door… the pup would go up for kisses.
THAT GOT ME THINKING.
My spath goes for the goldens. the women with no fams around to protect and guide and beat the shite out of him when his true being is revealed.
He would not go to a home with An Italian Cane Corso or a Doberman Pincher or German Shepherd! THEY WOULD BE ON TO HIM.
so… would it be this loving Golden Retriever’s fault… if one of my residents with Alzheimer’s smacked her in the face today? Would it be the Golden’s fault if a bad guy came in and she went in for kisses b/c she is such a good dog?
NO NO NO.
So why cant I forgive myself for being as sweet and loving and supportive and affectionate as this Golden?
I am seeing just what a targeted victim I was….
he chose me b/c I was kind and lonely and pretty (not anymore)… and giving.
Kitty L (this is your new hip hop name – lol),
So sorry about your setback. When you are no-contact, it opens up the wound to hear more information about the ex. However, the only plus to hearing about this is that now there is no possibility of going back into denial. You know exactly what he is. And you may not know the half of it. You don’t need to know. Eventually, when the wound starts to heal, you won’t take it so personally. As much as you are able, keep talking about it and going into the feelings and letting yourself feel them. And don’t forget a daily dose of something joyful, something beautiful, and a little self care. You’ll get through this. My relationship with the spath lasted only 3 months, but I went through all the same stuff you are going through. Please, whatever you do, have the intention to heal and allow whatever spiritual being or forces you believe exist in the universe heal you and remove the negativity. Just ask, and you may be surprised that you can move through all of this. Ask to have people and things come into your life that can help you. Ask to be healed on the highest level for your greatest good.
I used to cry every day coming home from work listening to the radio. I was suicidal for several months. And this was only a 3-month relationship! So give yourself some time and acceptance to go through the grieving process. If it helps you to talk to this girl, talk to her. But it may be better just to avoid anything to do with him and just focus on you. You already know what he is. You don’t need the details – they will just hurt.
Star….
thank you sooooo much.
I believe in all the spiritual stuff… and I believe that I am sickened from the evil I experienced. I attracted him b/c I am the exact opposite.
thank you so much for reaching out to me.
You are right… although I have been in NC since April 22 or and will be for the rest of my life (I have no temptation or interest.)
hearing about him from a third party… and a third party he was bating and seducing while vowing love and forever to me on a daily basis? yep.. a bit of a trigger. I could feel his evil energy just thru the phone call.
Toxic.
anyone else have an ulcer and have it flare up… and nothing is helping it to feel better! Nothing.
Kitty, and Star,
First off I like the hip hop name. Secondly I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is not fair and this is so twisted. These creatures ( I don’t think they are human anymore) are discusting.
I’m seeing with mine there’s a pattern of the women too. At least the exes I know of. I don’t have anything on who he has been with during me since he is covering his tracks very well. I guess because I can get his butt to court if I can prove it while him lying to doctors and lawyers while I was in the hospital. In any case I agree with star- it will lead to a very painful road. It’s nice this women actually reached out to tell you. But: It all depends on your needs and what you can live with. Do you need to connect with her? Or do you need to not know. That’s all unique I guess. ( I know I would like to know so I could reassure myself and it was probably at those times I had hunches that something was going on or when he silent treatment me making it my fault), but it all depends on what you need.
Try to listen to yourself. Try to ask yourself what you need.
Hugs sending you good thoughts.
Because my relationship with the spath was so short-lived, I did not have the “honor” of finding out who else he was seeing in addition to me – well not exactly in the same way. He told me he was in the process of going through a divorce. He called her his “ex” and claimed they had been separated for 8 months. He never wore a wedding ring. After the fact, I found out there was never any divorce, and he was living with his wife. I was just disgusted.
In addition, he had visited another woman off the same special interest internet forum where he met me. I found out that he went to visit her around the same time he was professing his undying love to me. He told me he hadn’t visited anyone else from the site. When he went to visit the other woman, he wore his wedding ring and told her he was married (she and I talked after the fact). He lied about so many big AND little things, even when there was no reason to, that eventually things just didn’t add up, and my gut was screaming at me that something was very wrong. But I didn’t know what it was until I heard someone tell me to google “seductive sociopath.” I did, and that’s how I found LF. LF was my saving grace to me.
It was extremely painful that I went from feeling like I’d meant so much to him to feeling like I was just a pawn in some sort of sick game. The realization nearly killed me. That’s why I always give the advice to get to a place in your life where you can validate yourself and see your own worthiness. Then you won’t need a spath to come along and tell you the things you want to hear. It has been 8 years since the spath, and I have been spath-free ever since.
amille
figures he isn’t even attempting to go near the real reason”which is HIM being married”
and he has the nerve to turn it on him feeling upset”wtf is the matter with them?? who brought them up to be so DUMB, if they could see what they look and sound like, it is truly pathetic. what kind of example are they to their own children if they can not keep their act together to begin with..
i believe they don’t get better with age either, mine is 10 years older than myself, so he is 60 and acts and thinks like a 20 year old”this is no example to his children and its no wonder they won’t speak to him”he married a 30 year old who is 7 years older than his own son who has problems
your ex knows exactly what the problem is, he just won’t bring it up. this is classic”
reminds me of one time the day before mine was due to catch a plane to visit me for 2 weeks. the night before he left i accidentally received an email, meant for another woman, making all kinds of promises to her and asking her to do many sexually related things and take pictures and send to him. he was promising her that soon they will be going to tahiti together and life would be beautiful”this was even before he met the girl he just married”of course i contacted him about the email sent to me and he panicked explaining that it was really meant for me, and he was asking me to do these sexual requests and now i have ruined the surprise about tahiti!! yeh”mm hmm it was not for me, the sexual things didn’t even relate to me in any way at all, and he knew i was mad when he arrived the next day”but like your ex, he didn’t even bring it up and kept asking me why i was upset”
i didn’t mean to take from your story a mille, i was remembering an example of how they act like they’ve done nothing”.!!!
it ws these kind of mind games i dealt with my entire time with him, and i forgave him each and every time”he needs to “grow a pair” and become a man!!!!!
on that note, i too, hope you have a peaceful day 🙂
Wow. I’m in awe he had the balls to show up and lie. You deserve so much more than that sack of ***! Wow.
Hugs
JD, Ameille,
Yep, textbook behavior, they are NEVER wrong, and won’t admit things even when you have PROOF right in front of them. When you’re in it, it is so insulting and CRAZY!
That behavior will make you crazy!!!!!!!
Remember,
You know that’s 100%. It would drive me bananas! It was everyone’s fault. Everyone’s but his. All the time.
Yes. I’m making another list. These lists are helping me see things more clearly.
Thank you. Hugs to my lf ladies. Thinking of all of you.
So true, it’s called ‘crazy making’ behavior, which is a good reason for no contact and to focus on other things that lead to sanity.
Just read something I wanted to share:
“Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.”
This is why it is so important not to break the no contact rule, ever.
great post Kaya…
the miracle in my life… is that I have no interest in ever ever breaking contact…. b/c his mask came off. It would be like meeting Satan for coffee.
do you all have your moments? It is 12:15 am….
I had to go thru some emails b/c I am searching or an old photo.. and I see stuff he had been doing in my computer that I did not know about. I see photos and vids of a year ago. I am 10 pounds heavier. and vibrant. and then I met him….
I will survive…. I am just having a moment where I see my life in photos.. and wonder how the hell I have survived Pure evil….. and how oh how do I forgive myself?
I am having trouble with this…. working on it with therapist…. but feel no better.
I was an idiot not to believe my gut.
but what could my gut have proven?
thanks everyone..
Kitty L, I have found there is no way out but through. I remember feeling stabbed in the gut when I found out the truth about the spath, and that I was not the special woman in his life that he said I was. It was never a problem with self-forgiveness for me, because I knew I had been clearly duped, and I had never seen this type of sick demented game before. I did not see it coming. I knew it was not my fault. Just as what happened to you was not your fault. It’s on him for doing what he did.
The bigger problem was in realizing that he truly did not love and cherish me in the way he promised; and THEREFORE in my mind I FELT UNLOVABLE. I was nothing more to him than a pawn in a sick game. This hit me so deeply – right in the gut, where my self-worth was. Every time I entertained the thought of him sleeping with his wife (the one he said he had divorced) or maybe hooking up with other women behind my back, the pain was excruciating. I wondered deep down if I wasn’t good enough, young enough, sexy enough, or if something even darker was wrong with me. The pain of the betrayal tore through me every day for a long time. But one day, I had the last cry. Or maybe it was a sob – I can’t remember. Then I started feeling better. Now, 8 years later, I can imagine him with all kinds of women while he and I were together. None of it triggers me at all. He is past history to me. My theme mantra when I was in so much pain was that old Sinatra song “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.” I believed that since no one loved me, I was nothing. However, the catch 22 is that if you don’t truly love yourself, you cannot allow yourself to be loved or saved by anyone else. You may have the illusion of that with a spath. The spath comes along and gives you that illusion.
Learning to feel the pain deeply is the secret to recovery. It is a form of self-love and self-acceptance. If you can accept yourself even in your darkest shame, despair, and feelings of unworthiness, then you have started on the path to loving and accepting yourself. Once this process starts, it is much more difficult for a spath to get his foot in the door with you. The reason is that a spath preys on your need for outside validation and praise. If you don’t need that validation and praise, you won’t be vulnerable to love bombing. It’s okay to just realize you’re overwhelmed and depressed, but it helps if you can say to yourself, “I’m overwhelmed and depressed, and I still love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.”
The only thing that will prevent you from healing is if you use addictions (food, alcohol, promiscuous relationships, internet or work addictions and so on) to mask the pain. If you can allow yourself to feel the pain, you will get better. It won’t happen all at once. It’s a process. You may have to schedule some time in a quiet safe room to just simply sit and feel your feelings. And it will take time.
Star,
What a helpful post for me. Thank you so much.
Yes… you are right. I was seeking validation. hell… I am in the fine arts and seek it at every performance.
I have somehow learned thru this nightmarish victimization however.. that you know what?
I am a remarkable and beautiful human being.
I do not think I could have ever said that before.
I have learned that I do not need a guy or a person to feel safe or even to take care of me.
I, even after being released from a 3 month hospital stay… not only got a job in a new state…
but was targeted by a seductive fireman…
and…
when he broke his leg (How Ted Bundy of him!) he said he couldn’t pay his rent now…
and we were going to move in together soon anyway… so maybe this is God trying to push us forward…
I TOOK CARE OF A SIX FT. FIVE…. 250 POUND MAN
who couldn’t even walk for weeks…
on my own money. My own little job. My own little car. My own little apartment. and did a fabulous job at it… although I was being duped by a pro with no conscience.
it I could take care of that huge idiot…
I definitely do not need ANYONE to take care of me.
I have also learned who my true friends are.
and that sex is not everything in the relationship.
Ted Bundy was great it bed. Yoo Hoo. He killed me afterwards.
I should not have allowed him to rush in. I need to establish much healthier and stronger boundaries.
He used my trememdous fear of abandonment to control me.
If I put up a healthy boundary… (3rd date he starts looking in my phone!)… when
I told him, “I am not comfortable with your looking at my phone.”
His threat was, “Oh… you must be hiding something. Fuckng other people? Hmmmmm”
so I froze… got scared… oh no… this hot dude is gonna leave me b/c maybe Im being bad.
I was not being bad… and if someone threatens to leave you…
LET THEM LEAVE. I do not care how much it hurts.
I have learned to trust my gut.
I have learned not to stoop to a lower level of a person b/c he is very attractive and the sex is like taking Opium.
Get to know a man as a person first.
then… develop physical intimacy.
If I had know FOR SURE who and what this spath was….. if I had gone with my gut… even tho I wasn’t exactly sure what it was sayin….. but it did tell me he was dangerous and a male whore when I first met him….
I never would have slept with him and formed that bond (so I thought), emotional attachment, spiritual even.
and in my case… as other women who have been with him have also said…. I became sexually addicted to him. It was crazy. He knew to sleep with me immediately and get me hooked.
Oh… I am so angry with myself.
but wow… how much I have learned.
Wow.
thank you again Star. *
Kitty L, I sometimes refer to myself affectionately as an attention whore. I like attention and I totally own that. There is nothing wrong with wanting attention and validation. The trick is to be aware of that need so it doesn’t trip you up in a crucial situation. Normal men are not as skilled at giving attention as spaths who are in their love bombing phase. But if you know you have that need, you can teach an ordinary man how to give you attention. And you can also validate yourself.
I’m currently dating a guy who is very normal and ordinary in a lot of ways. I have to teach him what I need in every respect, including in the bedroom. It gets a little tedious, but I see him coming around more and more because he wants to please me. There is something about a man who really tries that gets my attention. It’s nice to be able to negotiate needs and communicate feelings without a lot of drama. With a spath, if you share your feelings or needs, he or she will invalidate you and gaslight you or even just leave. With a normal guy who really likes you, he will feel closer to you and try to understand.
Spaths use whatever they can about their victims to manipulate. If you have a fear of abandonment, they will hook you some way with that. Committed relationships should not be abandoned, and it’s pretty normal to fear being abandoned. People are meant to bond and NOT be abandoned.) If you were independent, the spath would use that in some say to hook you. Good protection against spaths is to know ourselves, and to recognize when we are being hooked and manipulated.
Your ex used the broken leg to rush you/push you into a ‘relationship’ situation faster than your healthy boundaries would have otherwise let things move so fast. He preyed on your natural desire to help others. That is a great trait to have. You can protect yourself by recognizing when and how it’s best to help, and when it’s best that someone else meet another’s needs.
It’s difficult in today’s world, but delaying sex until time has passed and you have had a chance to date and observe a potential partner in a variety to situations with a variety of people (friends, family members, colleagues, etc.), is good protection, though not a guarantee.
Not spending too much time with a new relationship and continuing to interact with other people without the new friend present will protect against their love bombing hypnosis, which is very very powerful.
kaya
thanks for this”another post to add to my list 🙂
ABSOLUTELY kaya48
Even when they are quiet, they are still SOCIOPATHS.
“successful detaching will not eliminate” ….who they are. That’s why years later, when they try to reconnect, it’s important to NOT break NO contact… not ever.
If there is one thing I learned, (and I learned A LOT), it’s that no matter how kind, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, helpful, supportive I am… NOTHING STOPS THEIR EVIL.
NC forever!!!
Thank you Kaya,
That is absolutely true.
Protecting ourself is so important, they will open any little crack!