UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
LF friends,
I debate if I should even waste a post on this person.
It isn’t the spath, but the N/BPD ex best friend.
It appears she has started up again via social media. She must be bored or better yet, needing attention. Her life revolves, literally around SMedia, because she has no social life.
This is the disordered person that I trusted blindly evwn after knowing bad things about her for 20 years. The only friend (me) who stayed her friend though sometimes distant due to her severe drug addiction.
Thanks to the relationship w the ex path, it finally opened my eyes to her crappy treatment of me and my friendship to her. All the while she stabbed me in the back a month after defending me- accusing me oflying to her about a second job, getting a new couch, and other childish nonsense.
She then smeared me to others behind my back and on and on.
I had just changed my # from spath a month before, and I went because of her and changed it again, making 3x.
I deleted my fb, instagram, and even pinterest, she was all over it.
It’s been 3 months and she has started up again, messging my friend via fb.
Asking for my number- that she owned her part (nottrue) and I just disappeared, she said something’s are going down, but at the end says she just wants to know if i’m ok.
My friend did not respond to the long, rediculous message.
I warned 1 other friend she may contact, and he later showed mea post claiming- missing friend:
One of my aquaintences told herto go by my house and she said I don’t need that drama and a medium said she isn’t supposed to be in my life.
1. I am not her friend, I told her back when it ended.
2. I am not missing if you know where I live.
3. If you don’t need me or the drama, why are you messaging my friend looking for me?
You see these disordered people? Sick,sick.
I changed my number after she threatened to smear me via text.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to disfunction so I can get it out of my life.
I hope she would not come by my house- oh this is a 42 yr old!!!
My options are if she did:
1. Beat her up to a pulp…(won’t do it)
2. Call the cops
3. Call DCF…..
She won’t come by, but hey with sicko’s you never know
She also may be in contact with spath also.
remember
sometimes its hard to believe that sociopaths exist outside of a relationship involving a man and woman
not only is your friend not a good friend, but at 42 years old she sounds like she is playing games and not the type of person you want to deal with..
she is involved with drugs and for 20 years you have known bad things about her? stay away from her. not only is she bad news but she will take you down with her. you don’t need this coming from an adult of 42 years old. she needs to get her life together and act like an adult. you did well by doing NC with her when you did. you don’t need this in your life
Agreed.
At this point please ignore her. I know it’s hard but please know you don’t deserve any of that.
You told her you were done. It’s not like you just disappeared. You were healthy. She clearly is not. If she really was she could have emailed that friend apologized and said right then what was important. But this manner is not respectful.
At all.
These people will stop at nothing.
It’s discusting. Hugs please know you deserve better.
Oh the medium told her I shouldn’t be in her life, and it’s DCS I think.
im not feeling well from all of this
no appetite. starting to look like drug addict or amorexic. but my tummy always hurts. food tastes bland and im noy hungry.
this was such a spiritual assault the good in me attracted him he wanted ti kil,, conquer and destroy my light. my love.
he was so evil that i i was soooo confused. and didnt recognize mistreatment. paranoia. abuse and exploitation
he was telling me and texting me and messenging me all day long. I LOVE YOU
LOVE YOU BABY
I LOVE YOU BABY
KISSES
I MISS YOU
so like a stunned bird…. I was immobilized by by cognitive dissonance and terror that Id lose this this beautiful and amazing man bc I did something wrong or bad!!!!!
I NEVER EVER DID ANYTHING WRONG OR BAD
TO THAT SADISTIC WALKING LIE.
HE CONTROLLED me w my severe abandonment issues. used them against me to make me comply and feel bad about myself. bc as he told me after he read all my emails and facebook messages of ten years…
(and this was second week of dating. he obtained my past. my fears. my emails to best friends. he got my history the second week of knowing him)
he told me. “from what ive read in your emails , i should run from you. you are a bad person. a whore. a pathological liar and no man is going to love you adter they find out what you are about. im strong enough to stay and to love you and to allow you to liberate yourself and learn to live in truth. i really should run from you and you don’t deserve me. ”
i feel sick. im adopted and was abused as child and teenager. I believed him.
omg. why did I believe his nonsense?
it was pure brainwashing. love bomb.. gain trust… install major terror and fear in victim and then give her suggestions that she will believe bc she is so scared and vulnerable and alone
can someone reachout? i feel numb . thats one reason food is sickening. i feel like a zombie. who has had pure evil push its way through my body, mind and spirit…. and I feel sick about it
i also know in pit of stomach that hes waiting for my R O to end so that he can serk revenge. call my job. contact me. i know this andbim terrorfied. if he could kill me. i KnOW THAT HE WOULD
no othet eoman has exposed him, escaped him and then file An RO so that cannit contact me ir have sex w me ir manipulate me or abuse me
he will be like a mad animal that was forced and locked in a cage too long
I MUST extend the RO must. not an optioand why am i having to d o all this?
all i did was give and support and love and save this man
why?
sorry fir typos. using my phone. i am sorry
I’m so sorry he said those horrible things to you, Kitty L. If he were here, I’d personally kick his ass. What a scum. When you get through this, you’ll be stronger, so nothing like this can ever happen to you again.
Someone once called me a whore, and it was enough to make me never want to see them again. I still remember the negative impact it had on me. It took a while to get over it.
Please forgive yourself. You didn’t know better at the time. You did the best you could at the time. You were just trying to be loved.
Thank You Star…
I wish you could kick his ass… he may be large physically…
but he is one big.. COWARD.
Kitty,
Hugs. I just want to hug you. If I lived closer to any of you I’d would say lets go to a coffee shop and try for doughnuts. ( doughnuts are my weakness when in pain and no appetite). It is incredibly awful to be told any of what he said to you. I’ve been called a whore before by my ex. ( that was his reaction to finding out I was pregnant with his baby and wanted to keep it, needless to say I ended up loosing it because of the big c/ also that was the time he was cheating). I also was not a whore. I only slept with two other men before and stayed nothing but loyal to him at that point for years. But I digress. Even if I had multiple relationships before him it would not matter. What matters is if you loved the person and was faithful to them. Which I was. You loved him. No matter what his thoughts were there is no excuse for verbal assault or judgement. Questions sure. As long as respectful. Even how he worded it was plain manipulation. Implying abandonment and playing like you had control over the situation.
He’s sick. Discusting and I would be right there with star. No one deserves being told or called names.
You loved him. That’s ok. Try not to beat yourself up. I have a feeling if I only knew the details mine was doing the same while I was in the hospital, or while he was telling me he loved me and such. These people set us up. It’s a sick sick sick game. Like leading someone into the street knowing a car is coming and telling them everything is safe. That’s what they did to all of us. To get away with their own highs, their own addictions.
Sick.
Hugs sending you love. You are a good person. You did he best you could with the information you had. You did what was in your nature. To love. Be proud at that. If you loved such a sicko, imagine how much you can love a non- sicko? That’s powerful. Try to focus on that. On what a good heart you have. Because I’m looking at you, and all of us and I’m focusing on all the crap and bullshit and abuse these monsters did and I’m proud of all of us for having the hearts and courage to face the day. To be us. To be who we are. Know this is a hard time right now but you are not alone anymore.
Yes, it’s important to realize and remember that being a kind, empathetic human is a strength, not a weakness. It’s a jungle out there, every man for himself, but not with genuine supportive humans.
I was so messed up that I forgot that, I saw all the toxic disfunctional people around me, and I forgot that being genuinely nice may not always be the norm, depending where you go or work etc… but I would rather be alone if I had to, then to waste precious time around unkind people!
Hugs
blue….
your post has truly comforted me and right as I am getting into bed. thank you for your compassion and ability to see the truth.
Krispy Crème or Dunkin Donuts tomorrow?
love to you too….
I spent my weekend alone. I love to be alone and get things done and relax… but do you all think it gave me tme to think about the past? To get triggered by emails and photos and my very own apartment b/c he lived here for free for a year, ut said it was our home and hed take over rent when his broken leg healed.
I feel like I can still fill his evil. Like he still trieds to attach to me at times. Ill get an email from google saying… do you know this person… and it is my N’s photo and name and if I want to add him to my circles… I click ad to circles. of course I do not, ut I havnever received notifications for any other of my contact for such a thing.
Maybe if I click… add to circles….. he will report that I broke RO.
I do not know.
I was a sweet, scared… music therapist in a nursing home in an entirely different section of the United States. He was a PT there. He corners me into a residents room and says that he read all my emails. and that I should be so grateful he is still here. No man would ever put up with me or love me… and I should thank my lucky stars for finding him!
WHAAAAT? and why did his tactic work?
send my telepathic hugs and warmth and love and light as I sleep tonight. Just took a prescribed pill… b/c on my own, id never sleep now. Two hours only last night… and back to work tomorrow as holly golighty of the the nursing and rehab center.
My friend told me I should go to media or fire dept. they know he has hurt women before. hes had sex at station an in parking lot on duty. he lies. pushing other paremedics buttons to the point where they decline to work with him.
How is he sill working there?
I had photos and video clips of h9im asking me to take off my shirt in front of the Skype camera as he is on the fire stations computer! How is he still employeed there? don’t they have a code of conduct and ethics for the Fire Department and Rescue? he is getting away with everything. even having sex with women in the station and in cars after hours.
that is cause for immediate termination. How is he stil working there? If I did that at my job…. they tell me to clock out and clear my desk.
Klonopin kickin in. Thank the Lord.
Prayers for me please if you are a prayer.
good night, good people.
xoxoxxo
Kitty, his tactic of tearing you down worked for two reasons. First, he had already broken down your trust barriers by love bombing you and manipulating you. That is on him, and it is really sick. 2) You were afraid of being abandoned, so you hoped it would get better, and the man who loved you would reappear. You did not know that he never existed in the first place. There is a possible 3) and that is that you may not have had a solid enough sense of yourself to know he was wrong about all those things he said.
It WILL change. As I said before, every time you can feel one of the feelings you shoved down and process and release it, you will feel better and be more self-possessed. At a certain point, nothing he or anyone else says about you will bother you anymore. I look forward to reading about that day here on LF, because you will be there some day. Think of yourself as a vehicle of energy. When energy is freely flowing, you feel free. But when it is stopped up, you will feel heavy and depressed. Blocked emotions will stop it up and keep you stuck. So keep your feelings flowing. Talk, scream, cry, write……do whatever you need to do. You’re doing great, and you’re in a much better place than you were when you first came here.
Blue – L, (this is YOUR new hip hop name – lol), I’m sorry for your trauma, too. I was very lucky with the ex-spath that it was so short-lived. I never stuck around for him to go into a smear campaign against me, at least to my face. He was always polite and gentlemanly, all the while lying and defrauding me (and the U.S. army). I was one of the lucky ones.
I wish you wellness as you continue on your journey. We are all just trying to find out who we are, so we can set clear intentions for our future relationships. We all need to cut ourselves a break. 🙂
Star…
thank you so much. that post means a lot to me.
<3
Stargazer
That is one BIG piece of advice I try to tell new LF members… to cut ourselves a BIG Break. People are so hard on themselves, blame blame blame… so much self blame. That’s how I know a sociopath has infected them bigtime.
The shame and Blame belongs completely to the sociopath, not their targets.
EXCELLENT advice, Stargazer.
In my experience, evil doesn’t have a reason. If it did, someone would fix the reason and the perpetrator wouldn’t do evil any more.
They do what they do because they like the results; and the victims are in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was married to (and widowed from) a wonderful loving honest man a decade before I met and ‘married’ the psychopath. It had nothing to do with me, because I was the exact same person in both marriages; the only difference was the psychopath vs. the good man. It is the exact same with anyone else – if you’d met a nice guy instead of a spath, you’d have a normal relationship.
You can make yourself the best person you can be – live up to your values, be ethical, develop your character, your career, your relationships with friends, your hobbies, your spiritual practices, etc. etc. Know that there are bad people out there and as soon as you see that someone is bad for you, get away from them so they don’t harm you any more. This is a pretty simple outlook and fairly old fashioned, but it’s worked for women for many generations. The philosophy that includes the idea that the spath’s behavior can be changed by anything the victim does or is, is a waste of time and doesn’t work.
AnnettePK
Knowing our core values is a GREAT strategy for reasserting our humanity. I know how confused I was. My ex would make me feel like an abuser, that he was the victim of me. I’d try SO HARD to make things right, try to figure out what I was doing wrong so that he wouldn’t have to “protect himself” from me.
I finally had to stop trying to figure things out from what he said his perspective was (which was always blame and shame and never shared resolution), and just live my core values which I know are morally principled. I am comfortable with the person that I AM, and if that doesn’t fit with someone else, I take it as “they are not good for me” and disengage completely from them.
JD, Bluelight,
From much reading i’ve done and things i’ve see, Jane that sounds right, esp the Narcs, they don’t want you having any attention or people celebrating you.
It’s always about them. My stupid ex even faked that he went to the hospital and played it for a week, he never went anywhere.
I noticed on my Bday we went out for a day date, but he never actually said- Happy Birthday, it was like just another day.
No Happy Thanksgiving on that day, nor Merry Christmas, I was sick with a cold and alone in bed, we broke up the day before, and no Merry Christmas, just ask7ng to see me and come pick him up! I was sick, then a sob story how nobody called him on Christmas, no kids called. Yea, right.
Remember
What an ass…how did he fake being in the hospital?
I could see mine doing that just so he could use it to get away to see someone.
You know what? I’m so mentally exhausted and fed up of them being in our heads all the time. Each day something new pops up that I hadn’t thought of before.
I can definitely attest to NC being the only way to get away from these freaks but even without them in the picture it still makes me nuts.
Wow. Ass indeed. I’m in awe anyone would have the guts to fake something like that. I mean seriously? Sicko.
Thank you for the heads up. In going to do some more reading. I honestly don’t know his problem. His birthday I was never invited to his family house. But he would come over afterwards because he had to see me. I was the good healthy girlfriend. Baked cake his favorites, and his favorite dinners. I’d have the whole nine yards. Even sometimes have his old friends here ( at the beginning stage of the relationship). I did everything. Even let him stay over. We’d do a special bday event for him to celebrate him and I would make another supper. Or pay for a fancy restaurant. I only missed one year because of he hospital visits. He was livid. But me with no family? Nope. First year I was invited to he holidays. I didn’t go because I was working in school, and scared. I hadn’t celebrated holidays with a family in at least a decade. Plus I’d have my annual holiday celebration with my friends at my place. So he came to that. ( we were knew a couple of months then). The next year Nope. He thought it would be cool if we made our own celebratory thing. I think I pushed my holiday party starting that year of have to look back. ( I know he made me delay it so instead of being on the day, it would be after New Years and as the years went on he didn’t go to not answering his phone. Then I got to sick to hold them). Any case, first few years he would show up on my birthday. After year two or three something “came up”, and we’d have to reschedule. But a week later hed still want to do something but he wouldn’t iniate anything about the birthday. It was like once it passed it was over and not to be mentioned. Meanwhile if I brought it up he stonewalled and would have to leave early. If I brought it up on the phone he wouldn’t answer for q couple of days until I didn’t mention it again.
Yeah I’m writing this and he had me trained. I felt. Alone. Completely. Just as stars previous post. I felt completely isolated. Completely unlovable and unworthy of being celebrated. So towards the end. Even this year- I would shut down. It’s pretty Discusting come to think of it. If anything I was the one taking care of him going out of my way to celebrate every little thing that went on in his life. But he didn’t celebrate me working over 80 hrs, going to school full time on top of that to support myself and then him. ( beginning of the relationship). He didn’t say anything. But then again he believed food would magically appear in the fridge. Little did he know I paid for all of it schlepped to the grocery store and back in the snow and or heat. No car. Nothing.
Yeah. Sad thing is every holiday I would go out of the way to make it special. Trying to make our own traditions. The last five holidays he missed them. Promised me we’d celebrate. And he presents would be there ( I still have them from this year can’t bare to throw it out yet) but always going the distance. I even made us stockings. Personalized. ( I’m a crafter). I poured my heart and soul. Didn’t matter if I was sick or not. I loved him and to him he was family. I treated him as such.
But without a doubt every holiday I was alone. Or with a good friend covering for him. Always. Him with his family and I wasn’t good enough to be invited ( he would say so when he was angry with me and he would start an arguement that’s how I know.).
Blue,
I read a thread on a blog a while back about Narcissists hate the holidays…
Same type of stories. Starting fights and all kinds of stuff. They can’t stand people together being warm and loving. They hate that stuff. Real love and caring.
Mine didn’t care about meeting my family or friends at all.
Wow. Ok I’ll definitely read. He would say how much he loved his family. He would buy them such gifts. And then some. ( I was in awe but I grew up poor so it doesn’t take much to get that out of me). We did have one fight on the holidays one year. (He came over to my house 7 hrs late. We were supposed to get a tree, food and make supper. Which was me make it and he watch). Any case the shops were closed. He didn’t want me to go on my own so when he showed up we couldn’t get anything and all shops would be closed for days around here. I remember going to a corner store to get some food to make anything. I was heart broken. He made me cry because he was telling me that’s all I deserved. When we got back he lost it on me. That was when I learned I was not to cry infront of him.
Ever since then he would not answer the phone during the holidays. He would leave an email wishing me it. And silent treatment. Then a few days later he would expect me to make him a holiday meal. I would have gifts for him as usual and he would come over and we’d eat. He’d open his gifts- and that’s it. No explaination about me or nothing. Just pretend hats how it’s done.
Anytime I tried to make plans in advance, he would blame me for that one holiday I ruined and because of me I traumatized him. ( even though I apologized for crying countless of times and explained why I was hurt and if we could find a solution). I still don’t know to this day what happened. Why he was that late. That day was horrific. From start to end. That was the first time I thought he could have died. I called every hospital that day and police stations to see if he was ok. I know he wasn’t at home. No idea.
But yeah. Sadly. That was the only explaination I got. And this year it was promised to be celebrated after my surgeries.( brought up by him not me. So I was so hopeful and so excited and I remembered thinking ” I’m finally going to have a Christmas again! I am worthy!” ( at that time it was one. Needless to say something bad happened and turned out to be several). So yep. ( that was one of our last conversations).
JD,
It’s so stupid, but during the final breakup, he freaked out and said he had a seizure and was found on the floor at work, after I hung up on him for the 100th time- that he was headed to the ER and blablabla…
Then I started getting mean f you texts because I hadn’t come see him, and how everyone that loved him was there, that his sis took his phone to call me and ignore any strange calls.
Well, I decided just in case he really did go, id better call. There was no answer so I left a vm to show I called.
The next morning I got a rude email how I didn’t even co e or care blablabla and how he’s glad he sees now and drama….
His phone was off that weekend, and on Mon or Tues I spoke to him, this was when I was in the thick of all of this- headed to severe depression- and I asked him calmly Tues night, when he tried to tell me stories about the wheel chair and Er visit, could he please show me the discharge slip, take a pic and text me, very calmly I spoke.
He said he left his stuff at work, so the next morni g he delayed it, and finally I asked him, did you really go, and he admitted, no.
I calmly asked, do you realize you argued with me last night for interrupting your Er story, and it was all a hoax?
That was the day I decided I would change my phone number.
Wow!
I’m proud of you. Good for you.
What a sicko.
Remember
Wow he has nerve doesn’t he? He made you believe his entire family was there, the ones who care, and the whole thing was a lie??
I don’t know why I’m surprised.
I think mine just worked in different ways to mind f*** me. He lied in different ways. Also you were close in distance to him so yeh, I guess that makes sense.
Everyone has different stories to tell and if we did not go through that type of abuse we think “wow maybe mine wasn’t so bad”
I or we, can not let that think that our ex is any better. They all do their thing in their own way and it doesn’t make any one of them any better.
Why on earth did he feel he needed to do that to you I wonder? Did he lack attention or love in his life?
In my experience he does what he does because he’s a sociopath, and because he wants to keep everyone thinking about him in any way – the way to recovering fastest is also the best ‘revenge’: to focus on ourselves and live a fulfilling life without thinking about the spath any more than is necessary. After we accept and understand they are bad and will not change, it’s helpful not to dwell on them any more than necessary – it can become a habit that will make it harder to fill our lives with other things.
AnnettePK,
I agree. Once you just accept it and realize everything they say is a lie it’s so much easier to say Buhbye.
Mine has now moved back to hillbilly land and is hanging out with the kids…
He has a whole new generation to induce his craziness on…poor innocent kids.
I am trying to focus on me now and not the craziness that used to be my life.
Stronginthecity
Sounds like you handled his terrorism of you very well and did exactly the right thing in changing your phone number and going NC. It’s so hard to act calm when you are being manipulated to act out; I never could overcome letting my ex spath push my buttons.
Remembertoforget,
OMG the fake hospital story, what a crazy ass. Sounds just like something mine would do.
Pity play.
Towards the end, he would call or text me that he was so sick and needed to go to the hospital..which he did quite often.
He would go to the emergency room and complain of chest pain and they would keep him overnight because of his “heart condition”..run all sorts of tests and find nothing wrong.
He has state Medicaid. No wonder the state is going broke!
He would never follow up with his doctor…the last time he did that I saw in his phone that he took pictures of himself in the hospital bed and text it to his family so they would feel sorry for him…..
Pathetic.
Stringinthecity
Blue,
That didn’t stop him, I continued to get harrassed for a bit, then I broke nc in March the same day I went to the hospital for depression/dehydration- I was an out-patient…
That was also the same day I started to post here, and really realized with out a doubt what the hell he was!!!
He continued to email through April, I did not reply, and finally I deleted that email account.
Getting better every day!!!
Hugs
Wow. Just wow. I’m proud of you.
Yep only when I found this site hands down I was that’s him. The doctor is right. He picked up the signs.
Remember
I think it takes a long time of going back and forth with the idea they are what they are.
It’s only been since march for you and you’re doing great. Two months after it all happened to me I can’t be sure I was convinced be was toxic.
I broke NC plenty and he contacted me as well so I believed he wasn’t so bad.
He claimed he was in love with me just the last time of contact about 1 and a half months ago…he is not in love with me..what a liar. But that is his way of manipualtion and lying. He would love bomb as though he just met me and contact me shortly after and tell me he loves his wife.
-he does not love his wife otherwise he wouldn’t be contacting me.
-doesn’t love me because he would not have visited her many times while he was engaged to this girl. And tell me he is leaving to be with her after a cpl weeks prior claiming his undying love…
When we see their actions and not their words (I believe it was kaya or Annette who pointed this out) we see the true them!!!
You are just new to it all and you are doing so well. You need the NC as well to have your mind not be full of their shit. It just brings you back to square one which is confusion. You want your mind clear to see and think of how they truly are. stick to your guns 🙂
Sorry…
I meant to say he wouldn’t have visited me many times while engaged
JD,
I didn’t really get what he was until March…
It has been hard, but it’s getting better.
She wasn’t saying about thinking of it in a judging way, it was in the end I told her my progress…
I deleted all old email acts so there is no way to ever contact me.
I know all that crazy crap your ex did, and saying he could fake a document to say he’s at a work thing…
Definitely so ething my ex would do.
For me, I had to get on meds, so that helped my depression I had tremendously!
Remember
Yes mine was trying to find a plan to come and visit and used some dumb plan of fake documents…
I think mine is an extreme daydreamer..by that I mean he comes up with things that he knows he won’t do. It’s like he gets himself all worked up and excited with these promises and he comes back to reality and realizes what he says and then just takes it all back like i am not going to be hurt. He is like a kid who doesn’t know boundaries. I mean what 60 year old man does that?
I’m so glad you are doing better in this short amount of time. I really have to hand it to you. There’s nothing wrong with being on meds, if it is what works for you, that’s what you need to do. These people can be so traumatizing to a persons well being and nobody knows the feeling until they experience it
janedoe
Extreme daydreamer?
You just described grandiose thinking, a classic symptom of a narcissist.
Saying that he will do something with no intention to do it is a lie. He may be saying stuff to see what your reaction is, or to manipulate you into doing something he wants you to do. Consider that if he’s a regular liar, that whatever he is saying is probably not to communicate factual information to share with another person, to get close to another person, or to enhance your well being with information that is in some way helpful.
Blue,
Just awful, ofcourse you deserve a nice holiday…
They just have issues with warmth and love.
Has he been quiet since calling the dr?
I hope you are resting and eating and taking care of yourself…
We are all on the path of recovery, and healing.
Some are further along in the process but we all have each other and understand.
Basically they are all the same. Deceivers and liars. They are not human, because the lack the human-empathy. They justify every poor decision they make will all kinds of nonsense, but never really possess the ability to admit that they are severely messed up, and hurt someone else beyond simply excuse. They fail to grasp that most basic common part of human nature. They only absorb, and suck the best parts of other people right out of them, into the vacuous void that is their lack of self-love. Nothing, absolutely nothing , will ever fill them, or make them happy.
I tried for so many years to make my ex husband happy..but it did not work. It seems like he was always on the “hunt for something more exciting than his family.” It is a sad existence they live.
Nothing will ever fix them or make them better. There is no counseling, therapy or medication that will make them feel compassion or empathy. The only solution there is to leave, be discarded, divorce them and break of all contact.
After over 2 years I have learned to take of myself, and not waste one more second of my time on him. He does not exist for me. Once you accept the truth, life will be wonderful again.
kaya48
There ya are, Kaya48. The TRUTH sets us free so that life can be wonderful again.
Funny how I was characterized as unstable, the crazy wife, gold digger, abusive, a liar, etc. and yet, ALL the people who knew, worked with me, socialized with me BEFORE marriage would NEVER use those adjectives, nor would any of my New friends that I have made in this new city where I moved after my divorce use such adjectives about me.
But ALL the people who have been on the receiving end of my husband’s discards are painted with the same adjectives, that he’s been unlucky in all his relationships.
To be discarded has been the BEST outcome EVER with a sociopath. Painful closing of one door, but not only has a new door opened, and it’s the size of an airline hanger door.
I said it before and it remains true, you are my hero kaya. I predict further blessings in your life.
Kaya,
Well said. I think i’m finally realizing and accepting it, that that’s how some people are.
They are void and will never be filled, I know females like that too.
My goal is to never let someone in my life like this again.
Thank you for that post.
🙂
JD,
He did it because it was the end and I broke up with him and he was harrassing me, and love bombing, and threatening me….doing whatever he could to get me to stop breaking up.
Using all his desperate tactics.
It was hard to get away from him, but I did.
June is the 6th month. Nc since March 18th again.
I am slowly but surely moving on.
The new therapist said today, tnat’s a long time to still be thinking about him/it.
We haven’t gotten into that yet. Today was 1st visit.
Remember
Your therapist said it is a long time to still be thinking of him? Really?
It’s almost been a year and I still think of
It all and have days that are tough..
We are humans and have been hurt very badly, I find it interesting she/he thinks it’s been too long.
I’m curious as to why they think that…keep us posted
In my experience it takes longer to get over a relationship that involves bonding, that is supposed to be love based, especially if there was physical involvement. It sounds like the counselor doesn’t understand about relationships in general and spaths in particular. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding what she meant, but perhaps she isn’t the right therapist for you.
longer than 6 months, I meant.
Hello all!
Hello Remembertoforget, good job on NC since March!
I have a wee question. I am divorced from exPH.
I was online dating (doh) after my divorce and I agreed to meet a man for a first “coffee date”. I will call him “Mr. Coffee”
Before we met, Mr. Coffee emailed telling me how I should “go easy on him”, then he criticized me as “harsh”. After that I was dreading the coffee date. Probably I should have cancelled. When I arrived, Mr. Coffee had been there quite a while, having chosen a table rather removed from the others.
He held my hand in a creepy way for a long unpleasant handshake and he began to stroke up and down my arm. I pulled my hand away after he didn’t let go or stop. Then he tried to touch my shoulder and I stepped back. Then he kept leaning forward and trying to touch me and “accidentally” kicked me, so I moved farther away. He was far more handsome than his pictures showed, and seemed to be very athletic but with a slight limp, so maybe he actually didn’t mean to kick me.
Then he began to criticize me and express shock because I don’t ski. He kept inveighing about winter sports and I just said no thank you, I prefer beach/summer/swimming etc.
Then he kept saying things like “when WE … blah blah blah” and “then WE’ll … blah blah blah”… followed by “WE will have to get YOU to do….blah blah blah”
(blah blah blah was whatever he wanted to do). Lots of forced teaming, lots of “we” this and “we” that from a guy I’d never met before.
Then he was boasting about his executive career and lamenting his high-conflict divorce, some negativity about female executives but rather mild compared to his other shtick.
Anyhow I said “thank you for meeting me but I regret you and I are not a match”. Then I deleted him from my online dating. For the last few days since I met him, I have been feeling like throwing up. Everytime I think of being intimate with any man at all, I have to run to the sink retching. I feel ill and turned off of dating. Plus my head hurts! (I got my own coffee so I don’t believe he put anything into it).
My question, was I just over-reacting to a garden variety creep? Was I just freaking due to past experiences with exPH? My intuition kept saying “manipulative N or P, run like H*ll”.
Cathas9,
Wow! Oh my goodness on Mr. Coffee!
Good for you for being assertive and saying we will not be a match!
There was a Sex and the City episode one time, I think Samantha had a date, and she said he was a “we” guy.
I think your gut has steered you right, but bleh to the creep.
🙂
Thank you Remembertoforget for the support!
I couldn’t think of anywhere else but here on LoveFraud that I could post about Mr. Coffee because each aspect seemed so minor yet I was sure he was a creep!
Bleh!!
Fortunately I wasn’t turned off coffee itself!!
🙂
Yuck yuck yuck! I’m so proud of you for being honest and saying “no”.
My ex used to say I was harsh whenever I was pointing out something damaging to me- or he was doing something unhealthy and I was being honest.
Your gut sounds to me is dead on. I’m sorry you have that vomit feeling though. I’m thinking you’ve been triggered and possibly traumatized? ( I would get that feeling during silent treatments my ex would give me). Just know you did the right thing. You deserve way better than that!
Thanks so much blue light!
Yes, in this case I followed my “gut” instinct lol
Thanks so much for the validation!
It is rather unfortunate that in this case its literally my gut!!
But for once I didn’t feel guilty or ashamed for saying no
to a creepy guy!
I do think I was triggered. I’m pretty sure the triggered
trauma was from exPH but there was a particular creep
factor to Mr. Coffee, something about the creepy touch!
Cathas9lives
Good for you! You followed your gut. If we all had done this at the beginning when we first met out ex we wouldn’t be in this situation.
If your gut told you there was something creepy with this guy, then most probably you know the signs and there was something off about him.
You are better to be cautious than to end up in a situation of running into another spath.
And if he does in the end check out to be ok, you did nothing but protect yourself from a potentially uncomfortable situation that could have been.
You did well 🙂
Jane D,
In my experience there is no way that this guy could ever check out to be ok. What he does is who he is, and he did not act nice, interesting, normal, considerate, friendly, or even sane.
He sounds pretty bad, really over the top out of line. What the exact source of your perception that he’s obviously creepy probably doesn’t matter so much as the fact that you handled it well, and you considered what you could learn from the experience.
I would say it’s pretty normal to be nauseous and get a headache after spending a half hour around this guy, even if one hadn’t had past spath trauma.