UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Annette
I agree with you. When I used to contact my ex husband I always felt regret afterwards. Eventually I used that regret to make more wiser decision by not responding or not contacting him. “Normal” husbands and fathers do not walk out on their families with 3 plastic bags one night , change all bank accounts and cut them off financially , blame them for their cheating , and then just go on with the affair partner.
Why I used to contact him after the discard still baffles me. But it was the addiction. Could I do it over again , I would serve him divorce papers the minute I found the nasty pictures of him and the co worker. I learned a huge lesson out of this ordeal. Liars will never ever change. They will always be liars and deceivers. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. They cannot be cheaters without being liars and who wants someone like that in their life?
I only know about the lies that I discovered. I am sure there were many more I did not know about. I never want to wake up next to someone who makes me an “option”, I was his wife and mother of his child. His son and I should have been his number one priority instead of his sick sexual desires.
I took a long time to leave my ex psychopath, and in retrospect I wish I’d left a lot sooner. But then I might be always second guessing myself and wondering if I should have given him another chance and possibly blaming myself. I think most victims leave for good when we get to the point that we have proved to ourselves that the spath is bad and he isn’t going to change.
If women were taught about spaths and about people taking advantage of others in general, it would help counteract the mental manipulations and re-characterization of reality that spaths use to convince their victims that the spath is good and everything wrong is the victim’s fault.
It also doesn’t help when cultural expectations make everything the woman’s fault and put her in the role of “fixer.” When the needs of fathers, husbands, sons and brothers are more important than the needs of the woman, the culture has primed her to be a sociopath’s victim.
A prime example of this was a relative who was dying of cancer. She was still at home and (barely) able to get around. During a family gathering she kept exhausting herself fetching and carrying – dessert, fresh coffee etc – for the men of the family until one of the married-in women came into the room and shamed (some of) the men into getting their own d*mn coffee. The ones who weren’t shamed into serving themselves I think may have been sociopaths. That family had quite a few.
It is sad for all that men are no longer encouraged to be providers and protectors, and to use their strengths to serve others. Many positive aspects of traditional “old fashioned” values have been lost, when society moved away from some detrimental cultural norms.
Kaya
Liars and cheaters go hand in hand.. That is true
You can’t cheat and not be a liar…lying is the main ingredient to everything they do
Jane,
Exactly.
It’s part-a big part of what I tell myself when I think of having a future friendly conversation with him since my anger has faded.
I remember his behaviors and I tell myself NO! I could not talk to this man child, because that would mean it’s ok that he disrespected me!
NO NO NO!
Remember
We may be happy when we get what we want from them but once we get what we want we don’t think its so appealing any longer…as if the thrll of the chase is gone and we are left with someone who is s very ugly person on the inside. Sometimes I wonder if I want it back because of habit or do I really truly want this…that sometimes brings me back to reality when I know he is a bad bad man and no good and very disrespectful
I was just reading this and found it very helpful:
“The worst possible insult to a narcissist/sociopath is when the discarded partner creates her own up-leveling, truly detaches and reaches the healed point of “YOU ARE NOT MY REALITY ANYMORE”. There is no greater threat to his ego than being rendered INSIGNIFICANT AND MEANINGLESS.”
These are his very fears he has been trying to avoid with his evil tactics. Now, his despising of you, and malicious attacks, are all to do with him trying to destroy the parts of him that he detests , the parts that the narcissust HAS ASSIGNED TO YOU .
Him contacting me is NOT about love, it is about necessary narcissistic emotional survival and everything and everyone is merely an object serving that need .
Makes a lot of sense. My ex’s crazy notes that he puts with the alimony check are just an attempt to suck me into his darkness again. And of course the vicious, endless cycle would just be starting all over. And once again I would be the “hamster in the wheel” just running and never getting anywhere with him.
This is why no contact is the only solution.
Awesome Kaya! I’m printing this out
Me too I’m printing this out. I’ll read it everytime I wake up from a nightmare. This will be a motivation.
Thank you for sharing.
Kaya,
Thank you for this reminder!
It’s all about their supply.
Blech.
Kaya
Yes about the hamster on the wheel
Is it a fact or no, that an S or N are extremely unorganized in their ways?
I know mine has admitted he has made his wife “a hamster on a wheel”‘with his unorganization. I know this as well because he didn’t know which way to turn half the time or which way was up and down. He was so unorganized and forgetful he had to make notes or a plan each day, of what he was going to be doing. Without these lists
Of things to get done, he couldn’t focus and was lost.
I saw it as well and thankfully I’m much more organized person and wouldn’t be able to Loaf around so he had no choice but to get things done.
Was just curious if you noticed that as well
Kaya
I certainly understand how up leveling them makes them crazy. It’s sort of a form of standing up to a bully…once you prove you’re not afraid it bothers them
I have had moments where I’ve told him that his deceitfulness is enough and I needed a break and not to contact me.
It didn’t last long because I had done it to him and I course it bothered him and he needed the emotional supply from me and recontacted me. I’m going back to when we were together.
At this point though, because he is married and doesn’t need emotional supply, I could guarantee he doesn’t care when I tell him not to contact me because he has what he needs at the moment. I don’t doubt though eventually he would contact me, not caring that I said to stay away, when he feels his supply is empty.
The important thing is what is good for the survivor. Recovery happens when the survivor no longer cares what the spath is thinking and how he is affected. It takes awhile to get there; and the spath is doing everything within his power to keep the victim hooked.
Thanks amille.
I used to worship my ex but he got thrown of his throne when I divorced him. For nothing will I ever go back to this crazy making. For all I care he can have his co workers/ girlfriends take over worshipping him. I am just so blessed it is not me anymore.
Kaya, I have not read one success story from someone who has broken NC.
I’m grateful to you and every single person who has shared their story so that I can hold strong.
My mind is slowly turning so that the bad is front of mind. In other words, the perceived good times are fading.
Or, LOL, maybe anger is finally kicking in after being in a state of shock that I was with a spath. Hope that makes sense.
No way, I’m going back to the craziness.
Having these extra bits of knowledge just reinforce and again, give strength.
Thanks again
You welcome and yes you are absolutely right. Every success story I find here or on other websites comes from survivors who stayed no contact. And yes the first 3 months I constantly broke the no contact like everyone . It made me feel a thousand times worse and again he was able to achieve what he wants. To blame, belittle and then discard again. I asked for his cruelness over and over again until I had this one moment when I was completely done. For me it was finding out about his affairs. For him trying to declare me mentally ill. It was just too much.
The cheating was one part but trying to destroy me as a person was even worse for me.
I can gladly say that I never once regretted the no contact, 25 months and forever more .
Kaya
I am not saying you had it easy and you are in such a better place. I’ve tried to explain before and I know you understood what I was trying to get across:
You had the verbal abuse and I wish I had that because it’s so much easier to deal with than Someone who is sneaky, quiet and conniving and at the same time making you believe nothing is going on when you approach him. Kind of like making me think I was fabricating things and as you know, that makes a person think “hmm ok he could be right”.
I knew though, exactly what he was up to because there were just too many things that kept popping up…thank goodness I was smart enough in that sense to know he was a fraud.
But because it wasn’t “put out there” and made visible like your capt America did to you, I didn’t always have that to fall back on because he covered every sneaky move he made so of course I didn’t have proof, hence the craziness started in my head.
I don’t discredit your situation, as you know, but thank god you did have it that way because it was happening right there for you to see and you didn’t second guess it for a minute.
Mine played me so well with his sweet talk and constant praise and how perfect I was that looking back I now know, that kind of talk is bs. They don’t care or know how foolish they sound when they continue with those nice compliments.
Sneaky and conniving con artists are such bad men as are the verbally and physical abusers…physical is a whole different level altogether though.
JaneD….you know I completely understand what you are saying. I did not suffer covert abuse either.
What we experienced was covert abuse…covert Narcissists
But Abuse is abuse.
Yes, I heard how wonderful, amazing, beautiful, sexy, etc I was. He gave me gifts, cards, flowers….. Fixed home repairs.
It was all manipulation! It was all a means to deflect from the truth…..that he was lying, cheating, living/married to someone else.
Kaya’s ex stabbed her in the heart while yelling at her. Ours stabbed us in the heart with a smile on their face.
That’s why I wrote that I am slowly getting angry;slowly remembering the bad first….not the good. There really wasn’t good
My ex was covert, shady, flattering, then when questioned or called out, or,something a normal gf would say or do…the mask slipped and oh boy!!!!!
Then tears and begging.
I didn’t experience that til the end Remember. When I found the proof of his double life…
That’s when I experienced the rage, the tears, begging, more lies, etc.
But after years of the compliments it was confusing….I really think I was in shock for some time.
Not now. Don’t get me wrong, I still experience pain. I just don’t have the confusion.
Mine was like this at first. When that didn’t work a new manipulation tactic he would use. It was never stable from him. Things could change every hour. It was very very unsecure. Not normal. I see now all the responses he used was just to control me. Back in the relationship I always felt confused, not heard out. It was covert abuse mixed with mild abuse to just plain abuse when the rest wouldn’t work to when he got what he wanted- love promises. Which wouldn’t last. His excuse of it all was it was a rocky relationship because of me being in chemo. (Seriously?) but I believed it back then. I wanted him to be happy. Loved. I was the peacemaker. He didn’t want a peacemaker. He wanted a doll. Do your role and that’s it. When I would put my foot down and say no to the abuse he would just use my fear of abandonment.
It’s true these guys are only after power and control. Not one thing (and I have been looking at lists of behaviors he did) that he did that was good or had a true genuine motivation behind it. That’s not normal. I can so far trace this whole last year why I got the “goodness” parts (it never lasted) and search if their was a pattern. Him too like a light switch- angry to sad to happy. You never knew what you were going to get. That too is not normal. He would blame it on the lack of sleep, me being sick, stress, etc, etc. The reality is its their choice.
In all its true these guys all chose to betray us on a deep very deep level and didn’t think twice. No conscious. I can see that now. I’m starting to. With that my self blaming is slowly fadding. I’m beginning to understand it. When he was confronted he wouldn’t move a muscle. He would pretend you just said nothing. If you insisted he used the tactics above but never did he ever say lets talk about this. Or verbally communicate it out.
Not willingly. Again that’s not normal. I’m sorry to hear about how you found out. Finding an obit would have killed my heart. There’s no way in denying that. The mask is officially off buddy. I am so proud of you and I read here your experiences and I thank you for sharing. You didn’t deserve that. The gull the guy had. But it was in writing his connections. His lies. You can’t deny it. He must have been a wiggly worm inside. Or maybe not because they don’t feel anything. In any case I’m glad you found out the truth. Everyone deserves at least that much. Hugs
Thanks Blue…well of course he tried to deny the obit. She was stalking him! Really? Through a family member’s death?
I believe it now to be a divine intervention. I had that nagging feeling as to something…. Couldn’t put my finger on it….just what was said….and wasn’t said.
It was the answer, really.
Yes Blue, it has been frustrating trying to explain the trauma to family and friends. Just when I think I have explained, something is said that is counterproductive. I know it isn’t done maliciously. I know I have to stop with them.
Hugs to you Blue!
Amille2
Yes exactly. I believe we both discovered we had this in common before.
He was so sneaky and so quiet it was/is actually a turn off.
Whenever I’d confront with something I discovered, he would suddenly not feel well and have to go bed…it was a form manipulation
Another huge sign for when he was nervous was that he would sweat profusely. That I didn’t pick up on immediately because it wasn’t all the time. Then I put two and two
Together
I used I help him edit his pprs he was submitting for school and at times he would send a screen shot of his work. Little did he know when doing this, all the tabs that he had open also appeared in the shot…a fb conversation he was having with a female.
When he couldn’t explain it when I asked, he called me a sneaky devil and blew it off..but I caught him
Amille
I am Actually at peace when the angry is at the front of my mind. It makes things much clearer and I stop finding excuses why he was “nice”
Your anger is right and natural, and it can give you power to make changes you want to make, and to maintain NC.
It has been empirically shown that the subtle emotional abusers cause more psychological, emotional, and physical harm that takes longer to recover from, than a physical abuser who straightforwardly punches his victim. It is easier for the victim to have clarity about the abuser’s behavior, and she generally receives understanding and support from others which is not always the case with the subtle abuser.
My mother does not understand why I just “don’t get over it.”
She understands he cheated and lied. That I would never trust him again.
She doesn’t understand the toll it took on my sense of self
This I am finding frustrating atm. Here too everyone has your mothers mentality. I think because they haven’t been treated this way they can’t fully picture it or understand just how profound and deep the betrayals and abuse effects a person.
Hugs
Amille & Blue,
I relate to the frustration and loneliness that results from others not understanding what we went through surviving spath abuse and victimization. What helped me is that I remembered how I totally did not understand even the first thing about abuse before I was humbled by my spath experience. I did not understand how abuse works at all. I believed that abused women were somehow complicit in their situation; I did not know that spaths existed therefore I believed that marriage problems are the fault of both parties. I now know that the truth is completely different than what I naively believed.
I have come to accept that unless someone’s mind has been opened by personal experience or the experience of someone close, they are not going to get it. I try to be understanding of others’ lack of understanding and try to find common ground that we can relate to one another. I am deeply grateful for my friends and acquaintances who do get it; for this LF site.
AnnettePK
This is a very VERY important VERY valuable distinction you make here, one that was used against me in a very effective way.
The attacks of Emotional abusers take longer to recover from than you realize. My ex switched on his charm/disgust in a split second. And I was ridiculed for my own “emotions”, being Too emotional, not “getting over it”, etc. When Someone hit you, you see the injury, you know it’s there, and you watch your body heal. That doesn’t happen when the injury is emotional.
It took a LONG time for the society in this country to say that it’s NOT okay for a husband to physically beat the crap out of his wife or that’s it’s NOT okay for parents to physically beat the crap out of their kids. But society has a hard time defining there’s even any standard at all about perpetrating humiliation, verbal bullying, fraud, and deception.
Wow, so then they can stay covert until as long as the partner starts calling things out and questioning, because I always wondered how did he pull off a 10 yr relationship with his ex?
She may not have questioned or sensed things- she was very young.
I questioned him from the start and around 3 months his mask started slipping.
Guess I wasn’t a good victim. Needless to say after all was done, I was in a thick fog and shock as well.
Yep. Or she questioned and she believed his answers. Or he showered her with gifts and more declarations of love.
I did obviously question things.he always had an answer….always an answer…
And since I never had definive proof of anything I didn’t confront.
I can think of two times that I really got upset.. it was a broken promise and a very manipulative sneaky triangulation..both times he cried and begged…..I felt guilty and sorry for him (he obviously knew my Achilles heel) and took him back. But he never raged…..he was the victim!!
However, when I saw the obit…had written proof of the cheating and lying…..when everything clicked for me in that moment…..and I finally knew he was lying? I saw the rage, accusations, etc.
Amille
Yes you’re right…she may have asked him and he fed her lies, and she fell for it. That’s how messed up they are. No guilt or anything.
I am sure for you seeing that obit, gave you that sunken feeling in your stomach, of disbelief. I know the feeling when discovering something.
It was a physical jolt that went through my entire being.
And like Kaya said, it wasn’t so much the fact that he was with someone else/cheating (although that is horrible)
It was all the lies that came to light. The depth of deception…. That’s what led me here…. I could not grasp the length to which he lied to me about everything….. And I mean everything.
Spaths use whatever techniques work with a particular victim. They will rage if that works to get what they want; if raging won’t work they will make the victim feel guilty, or control with fear of abandonment, or beg and plead, whatever works. My ex Psychopath would rapidly switch abuse techniques, for example he would be raging and then turn on a dime and fake remorse. Real anger can’t be turned off that quick without some calming down time.
His rage felt more like a temper tantrum than a threat. Like I caught him…I wasn’t going to give in and forgive…and therefore, he was mad about that.
I hope that makes sense
It does make sense. My ex Psychopath didn’t feel rage. His ’emotions’ were limited to glee, duping delight, contempt, rush of power and control at causing someone else to suffer, and sometimes fear of being exposed. He faked other ’emotions’ and mood states to manipulate others. I understand your ex felt anger at loss of control. My ex was very very very cold – he would just move on to another victim if a particular supply was cut off.
Remember
The young girl yours was married to, was probably not as experienced in seeing the lies he fed her. I guess bejng young is why.
Same with mine. His wife is very young and not in the relationship that long yet so she probably has a picture of what a marriage is supposed to be and doesn’t look for the covert signs. It’s not right there in front of her. Mine sometimes has admitted
That she isn’t as smart as I was, meaning I was catching things he did and she doesn’t.
Stupid fool
JD,
They weren’t even married. 10 years, 2 babies and the kids have her last name.
Hmph.
Remember
Thank goodness for her last name
Perhaps he has more children elsewhere as well?
He doesn’t have any with his other long term ex.
Probably no other kids…
He said he didn’t want his white kids to have his spanish last name. He is only half spanish lol.
It’s probably so when he didappears on a con job it’s like he has no kids. Lolll
It’s difficult to know what really went on in a previous relationship because spaths lie about it in ways that work to manipulate in their current relationship. My ex psychopath’s first ex ‘wife’ was probably trapped in the fake ‘marriage’ financially, with 4 children to raise. As soon as the children got older she got a paying job and the marriage ended. I know that anything the psychopath told me about his first ‘marriage’ may or may not be true; and anything I speculate is inconclusive.
It’s all crazy what they do to people.
He had her pregnant after the first year so that is a great distraction! She was 19 he was 31 they met in a call center. He is quite the salesman.
She was here in FL and all her family far north. Can you imagine? The PERFECT victim.
Too bad she didn’t know he was a crazy ass loser from SFL.
All the nuts live down here, I grew up here. Hahaa,
But seriously, it’s full of Spaths and addicts!!!!!!!
We will get past this all of us- together. 🙂
Remember
I also in SWFL Snd totally agree with you. It is perfect place for my ex to live his pervertred life.
Blue light
My ex husband always used my fear of abandonment as his most powerful weapon. When I first discovered his affairs , he said “wow, you are so mentally insane, I have to leave you.” After a lot of tears and argueing I basically apologized and begged him not to leave me. How wrong is that ? I am so glad I found the strength and determination to file the petition for divorce. It literally saved my life. I am still amazed in myself at times. How I suddenly was s strong , powerful woman who initiated the divorce and no contact. I felt like a gladiator. For 20 years he used my fears, weaknesses and faults against me. For once I stood up against him. And he heard me loud and clear “it’s over”.