UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Mine was also on these websites. One was Ashley Madison.com. His profile said “athletic sexy looking man looking for affairs, anything goes. ” when I caught him he said the computer made his profile. Yuck. Also he said “I can go to the mall and pick up any woman for sex, they all want me”. Now why would you say that to your wife in front of your 16 or 17 year old son? And he still is in shock that his son won’t talk to him.
I wish I could send Ironics Father’s Day comments to him. But I will stay no contact. Be wouldn’t get it anyhow.
Yep! He so convinced me that he was set up but I never forgot that the description of him was just way too perfect for anyone else to have established a profile for him…
SER
I am originally from Europe and came here almost 25 years ago after I met my husband when he was stationed with the US Army overseas. That is why I don’t have family here. I cut of all contact with his family in NY because he blamed me for everything and kept calling me mentally ill. I live 1600 miles away from them so no contact. I have my son who attends college and lives with me.
The ex is living in a different county. I don’t set foot in that county. By him being a cop I just don’t trust him. No need to be there. He is evil so I could be accused of who knows what.
kaya48…cool, I like Europeans! 🙂
I don’t blame you for not going to his county…you cannot trust him. You are smart.
Kaya48
This may be a little too late but the best way to deal with a sociopath is to arm yourself with all the latest spyware. I record everything! He is also a cop so I have to think and act 2 steps ahead of him – I cover my ass legally by making sure the evidence I have far outweighs the possible illegal use of some of the spyware (in Australia its illegal to voice record without the permission of the person you’re recording etc)
My spath blamed the porn on my son so that gave me permission to download a program that records absolutely everything that is typed or viewed on the computer, without sny detection, but it’s referred to as a “parental control” program….haha that’s my story if it’s ever discovered and lucky for me quite legal excuse to have it!
Thanks SER
I appreciate it your comment 🙂 My attorney told me not to go into this county where the ex is law enforcement. And throughout this ordeal I always listened to my lawyer who handles also criminal defense besides family law. I always have his number with me. I just never know what the ex might cone up with. I know he wants me dead, in a mental institution or locked away I jail. So I got used to it but I am careful. You just never know with their sick minds. It’s a shame but it still is nothing compared to living with him for over 20 years.
Like I said I could have not done it and came so far without this lawyer who was truly on my side. 🙂
Ironic
I did have spyware on our home computer also. I had tracking devices on his phone. That is how I caught him in his lies. When I printed out all the “nasty” pics he exchanged with the co worker, his answer was “there is nothing wrong with this, it’s just a few bikini pictures “. Yeah right. I caught him in lies on a daily base. One time I found empty Viagra containers hidden in the garage. When I confronted him, more lies. I said “where are the tablets?” His answer was “I don’t know and it’s none of your business”. And after a long fight I ended up apologizing for his lies. Where was my self respect ? He took it all away.
I am slowly gaining it back. The divorce will be final any day now. The outcome was so much in my favor and I still feel like a winner. Sometimes I just smile and say to myself “life is so good “. No more lies and betrayals, no more blaming. In the end he is the loser and always will be.
Ironic. I am glad for you to expose your husband and gain everything. You did the right thing.
We are normal and they are not. To this day I compare him to lucifer.
Kaya48
The one thing I’ve discovered here is that the sociopaths are all doing the same things except some go into creepy scary mode and become very dangerous and some don’t. The major thing I’ve learnt is that while we all give a lot of years to these twisted morons, the outcome is very different with each of us.
My husband needs me to back up his switch in identity – he thinks I’m backing him up but really I’m rubbing my hands together and hiding the smirk on my face…
Now I was given the chance to use my evidence to my advantage, some of you aren’t in that position – sadly…
More stupid back and forth messages last night, him not taking the blame for cheating. Him saying to me “don’t act like you were a perfect housewife”. I was. I do not care what he thinks I was a perfect “housewife” when it came to him even though we were not married.
I took care of his children, had his dinner waiting every night, cleaned for him, rubbed his feet when they hurt, I took very good care of him!! During the year my sister died yes..I was a basket case. But who would not be. He keeps saying “the damage is done, we cant get things back”. The damage is DONE BY HIM. HE CHEATED..HE LIED AND WENT INTO HIS JOB AND POSED AS A SINGLE MAN.
I had found a email from him..literally TWO WEEKS before he cheated and left. He said that he was looking forward to moving in the summer..and we would get my son thru graduation..and things would all fall into place and we would be engaged.
I am struggling already this morning. It was not me..i was loyal and faithful and he still can not just take accountability that he went outside our 6 year relationship! He said ” you embaressed me at my job and in front of friends I am ashamed because of you”
Because of me? HE DID IT..you don’t go screwing coworkers when you are in a committed relationship. I feel so powerless..he just has taken my self esteem, my heart, my self worth.
I know karma is real I just wish it would happen soon. It is not fair months weeks days of my life are consumed with this. I did nothing to him to deserve all this.
Tara
More messages? You have to block him from your phone or find it in you not to respond. When you respond you are still allowing him to control you. He KNOWS HE IS IN CONTROL. And you are his puppet. You have got to heal. You can’t heal and find yourself when you are texting back in forth with him.
If you are looking for closure. I’m sorry to tell you…but you will never get closure with a sociopath or narcissist. They won’t ever admit wrong doing. And if they happen to apologize and beg for forgiveness – ITS NOT SINCERE. It’s all a ploy to get you back in his control and then the vicious cycle of cheating, lies, and emotional abuse will start all over again.
I have been there! It’s so hard not to pick up that phone and check your msgs to see if he left you any. Or to msg him or call him. You have so many questions. But remember nothing he says will take away the pain he has caused. What’s done is done. Now it’s time to pick yourself up and take care of yourself. And also if you have no contact with him. After 72 hours I promise he will be texting and calling and asking. IF YOU CAN DO THAT. You will gain the upper hand.
Remember that the sociopath doesn’t feel love in the same way you do. You are heart broken. This is your life. But he is just playing a game. There is nothing you can do to change this fact – that he is soulless. The sociopath will continue to lie and you can’t move forward and get on with your life if you still speak to to him. Right now you are still being drained physically, emotionally and mentally because of him.
You will never get an honest answer from him and you are facing more pain and rejection by having contact or responding to his BS.
I have blocked him..then I unblock..then reblock. I know its stupid. I know if I went 72 hours..he would not care. He just says things to put the blame on me. I seriously raised his kids!! I met him with a 9 month old..i took care of his infant who is 6 years old now. I just read this site..i know I sound like I repeat myself..but I really am listening to you all.
Just trying to understand why he cheated, why he left me, why. I wasn’t bad to him. I pick myself apart what I should have done or could have done different. We truly were best friends. We talked about everything. It just is unfair.
I can only hope he will message me at some point..and I will have my chance to ignore him like he has done to me. I do not think he will find anyone as good as me or who put up with him. The new girlfriend thiks he is 36…hes 38. And that he only has 1 child!! He has 2. He has already started the lies.
I am mad at this woman too..this 26 year old for not backing off..i put 6 years of my life into this and now im left crying and alone. trying to get thru each day as a human when I feel nuts. He has made me feel pathetic desperate for answers
Taralav-
Here’s how to regain your power……. NO CONTACT!
He can’t go back and forth with you if you block all contact with him. You need to embrace the concept that you will NEVER win your point with a psychopath. It is useless to try. Once you know you’re in a relationship with one, avoidance is your best ally.
He will blame you for every horrible deed you call him on. You will choke on the heart wrenching pain of being unable to ameliorate his accusations. He gets a huge kick out of seeing you suffer this way.
One good, “We’re done,” and meaning it, will give you back the self respect you deserve. He can never gas light you again, he can never blame you for his faults, he can never wiggle back into further damaging you once you turn a deaf ear to him. You need to stop thinking about what he says and thinks and begin thinking about what a louse he is and how much better off you’ll be with him out of your life!
I know it’s hard to give up on a love you experienced. But as a psychopath, he was incapable of loving you. The only thing he loves is power. You will not regain love by being with a person, or speaking with a person who is incapable of meaningful love and caring. He can only create the pretense of love to get things from you that he wants. Psychopaths are cunning and good at it.
Until you remove yourself from contact with him, you will continue feeling harmed and overwrought. We are all here to help support you in your efforts to get back on your feet.
All the best-
Joyce
Thank you Joyce- I am slowly getting better, its becoming easier for me to sleep, and I am trying to not take anything he says to heart. It is the worst at night when I get home from work..because he was always calling..asking what we wanted to do for dinner or what I was making.
We would relax and enjoy tv shows- and now I am alone. He stripped me of my family and dreams..I met him at age 30- I could have had a life with someone..I loved having a family and a partner. I just get very very depressed at night. I sit outside and just chain smoke ( I never used to smoke before) and I pray for a answer..i pray that I am good enough that he leaves her and realizes he made a mistake.
I didn’t do anything to be left. Like he did. And I know its sick I miss him, he was my best friend.
It’s not sick to miss him, it’s normal to grieve a loss like this. It’s a huge change in your life and it’s a big loss. It’s natural and right to want a family. But your mind knows it isn’t good for you to keep trying to make it work with the spath. You were betrayed. The way you feel is WHY lying and cheating is WRONG.
It is normal to hope he will change. You don’t have to hope you’re good enough, because you ARE GOOD ENOUGH. Sadly, he does not view his behavior as a ‘mistake.’ He would not be doing what he was doing. He may lie and say he made a mistake, he was having a ‘brain seizure’ (my ex spath actually used that one on me) or whatever, but it will just be to get him back.
The book, Ditch that Jerk, despite the title is a really helpful analysis of whether a man is really changed. Also, Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft, is really helpful, too. You can read exerpts on Amazon. In the beginning when I didn’t feel like doing much else besides thinking of the spath and the mess he made and my suffering, I read a lot of books about the subject, and this helped me so much. Consider reading about spaths to learn info that will help you, and smoking less! (I understand,I went back to smoking twice when I broke up with normal guys; but it was temporary, I don’t smoke now.)
You were his best friend, while he probably faked a relationship. You didn’t know. Some spaths can successfully fake it for decades. My ex P had a 2 decade exploitive marriage with his first ex wife before dumping her. He cross dressed and did porn (and maybe more, who knows) while he was with her faking a religion (he still fakes the religion)and faking raising children whom he dumps when they’re not useful to him. It took me a long time to see our relationship for what it was, and it was very painful. Now it’s just sad to me.
You can have a family, you are capable of it, and it is likely you will.
Smoking is better than calling him, but I hope you quit after you get over the hump. I played solitaire for hours to numb my mind – it kept
Tara-
You’re obviously in a depressed state. I was there myself and will freely admit, I took an anti-depressant to get past it. Don’t self medicate…. see your doctor. Get a prescription. It will take the edge off that depression and keep you from longing during those difficult times.
Smoking will kill you, an anti-depressant won’t. It will give you control and enable you to take positive steps to get yourself back on track.
If you can’t afford the help you need, let me know and I’ll fill you in on avenues you can explore that are low cost or no cost.
Wishing you the best!
Joyce
Hi Joyce- yes I did see my dr I am taking a mild antidepressant to help me cope. I just am overwhelemed..I sit in the house at night and cant believe my “family” is gone. He has no cares about our life..our memories, and this was my best friend! I talked to him about everything..i never thought ever ever he was cheating..with coworkers. That is so dirty. So wrong.
He told me “everyone at my new job thinks I am married”. I said why would you tell them you are married you don’t have a ring on? He just referred to me as his wife. Later to find out..no one knew a thing about me. It just is terrible..so hurtful. I am in denial..i know this. I just can not grasp or believe it
It’s too much to grasp at once, give yourself time, be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself.
He was just using you, and it’s not possible to understand his behavior. Who would want to understand someone who exploits and harms a kind and giving person like you?
He was just messing with your head, manipulating you, by telling you he referred to you as his wife. He knew you wanted that, he didn’t want to marry, and so he tried to trick you into thinking you were married and giving him all the advantages of marriage, but not marrying you. Consider that he probably could have married you? My ex P did the same kind of stuff, made excuses. I still waited for marriage to live together and to sleep together, but those choices alone didn’t protect me against my ex spath.
Tara-
It’s soooo very painful to get over life with a psychopath, and when children are involved, it’s an even larger grief. I had two stepchildren who I adored, and barely saw them again. After he abandoned my son entirely, what little contact I had with my step children ceased.
I’m glad that you have the help of a doctor and medication. I think you’ll find that if you can create a separation through “no contact,” you’ll begin to feel relief.
I’m also in agreement with Kaya that you should try to get out from under the restraining order. Did you have an attorney representing you at the time? Often people don’t recognize they need them, until it’s too late. We count on Judges to be fair and see through the baloney. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.
All the best!
Joyce
Joyce- if you do have any avenues on someone to talk to or anything like that I would appreciate any info..I have insurance and I did go to counseling but at $40 a visit I cant go 2 or 3 times a week as needed. I just need someone who understands..its so hard to find the right counselor…and I need to life myself out of this..somehow
Hi Tara-
RAINN- The Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network has a directory of hospitals where you can find mental health clinics on an out-patient basis. They are located in most reasonably sized towns across the country. Not only do they offer one-to-one professional counseling, but many offer groups and medication as well.
People who grapple with the devastation of phsychopathic relationships are not always aware that they have been both emotionally raped and raped by fraud. It’s not unusual for us to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Rape Syndrome. We often go to great lengths to attempt to communicate our sense of loss with little or no validation. If you express your condition in those terms, you might find more readily available support for your needs.
I sincerely hope this helps you!
Joyce
Thank you Joyce. Yes the counselor I saw said I have severe PTSD..and am going thru trauma.
Taralev
I am not sure what country you are in. But here in the US you cannot communicate if there is a restraining order in place. How can you email or text? This is why my ex put one against me. Because I emailed him. It was dismissed but I would have been arrested had I violated the temporary one. So I don’t understand how you talk to him.
But you are doing it again. You will not get an apology or explanation if this is what you are hoping for. He does not care, love you, or wAnt you back. It is the truth. You have to accept it.
Just like me. It was so painful. But there is nothing you can do to make him love you. NO CONTACT
I am just trying to help.
Kaya- yes I am in the US. He messaged me after he placed the order..and I wrote back. That moment I put myself in violation. If he wanted to…he could turn it in and I would be arrested. He has still emailed me and sent messages..and he knows since I initially responded at any moment he wanted he can violate me. And since the order was on ME..i would be in trouble. They don’t care he messaged me first.
I shouldn’t have even had a order..he got caught cheating and had to prove to his new victim he was going to be with her. So he went with the “repeat ” phone calls and placed order
Consider consulting with a good lawyer. If you can afford it, it’s very helpful. I felt way way better when I explained my situation to an attorney and have him standing by if I ever need him. It’s worth it, but very important to find a good one who will work for you and who understands spaths. In the meantime, consider not reading his messages.
Have you changed your locks and considered anything else you should do to keep yourself secure? You can always open the door for him, but it won’t hurt to be sure he doesn’t have a way in without your permission.
LOL, I wrote my last response before reading everyone else’s, and it sure seems like I have more faith in the judicial system than most other posters.
I can’t imagine a Judge listening to him complain that I call, text or email — after he’s approached ME. But, maybe I’m wrong and this is the way it happens. Definitely don’t go to court again without an attorney!
I disagree, taralav, that “They don’t care he messaged he first.” I think the court would be interested to know that he contacts you and baits you into making a response in violation of the order.
The Court did not intend that he’d contact you and leave you restrained from making a response — I think it intended that there would be Silence between the two of you instead. So, I do think it is a defense to the breach of the order, that he urges you toward that result.
In fact, I think the grounds for your own order are suggested in your posts: he intentionally frustrates your efforts to understand why your long-standing relationship was unexpectedly terminated, and contacts you for the purpose of “stirring the pot.” This is a form of abuse especially considering that youngsters’ relationships, with him and yourself, are also involved.
The Court, in other words, is not that stupid: it’s translucent abuse for a man to call a woman to blame her for their break-up, then cite her for an order violation when she fires back. It may even constitute stalking for him to continue to contact her, knowing that her own hands are tied. Call a Domestic Violence advocate in your area, I think they’ll tell you that you qualify for assistance.
It was issued 2 months..he sat in court and told the judge “he didn’t want to get me in trouble”. Yea..then why would he file a order because he got cheating. The judge asked me if I agreed to it ..it was not a admission of guilt. I agreed to do order I didn’t even care at that point ..I had done nothing but CALL my boyfriend of 6 years because he was cheating with two women at work.
So yes- I understand how serious it is..he still messages me or emails me..says I can meet him to see this kids and so forth. He is pure evil and I hope he gets his karma ten fold
I think you should consider consulting an attorney to help you. Did your ex use an attorney to get the order?
Resentment of and competition with the spaths who targeted us keeps us tied to them. Any time spent thinking about them, competing with them, resenting them, insulting them. other than identifying what they are, is a win for them. They don’t care so much whether we are thinking good things or bad things about them, as long as they are working us up emotionally, then they have power over us and that is what they want. They want our attention, our focus, essentially our worship of them.
Besides what is necessary to do to protect oneself and to get the best settlement results possible without compromising our ethics and values, the real win is to forget about the spaths and focus on ourselves, our real friends and family, our goals, our spiritual life, and the joy that life is supposed to be. Let karma, one’s Higher Power, the Universe, deal with the spath.
If we let desire for revenge and to harm them; if we feel glee and deceive them, trick them, and smirk about it, how are we different then them? One of the things the spaths want is to make everyone just like them.
It is very difficult to get the tentacles of the spath out of one’s heart and mind; it’s like a disease that keeps coming back in different forms when you think you’ve eradicated it.
Yes Annette- he is happy that he got me to look like the crazy one. Like no one thinks its crazy the lied about what job he worked at? Or that hes sleeping with women at work? He wants me to look crazy..he actually took the order into his building and showed it off to people at his work I was told. Like it was a joke to him. He is almost 40 years old..that looks so unprofessional to even brag about that!!
I also feel very betrayed by his family. I was very good to them, hosted them every holiday would take his mom to lunches and massages- threw his sisters baby shower. They have let him lie to THEM..so they really have not cared that he up and left. I know they cant control him..but I would expect they would tell him it is wrong what he did..and wrong to be moved on with a 26 year old girl already. Its like I meant nothing to any of them
His family is probably a bit screwed up; these things often go together. You are noticing a lot of things now that are ‘off’, and not right. This is because you are normal and you know how people are supposed to act and what normal is. You got duped and betrayed. You have all the tools to get over it and have an excellent life, with lots of loving healthy relationships with friends and family. This is a bad time you’re going through. You will get through it, things will get better. It’s hard work, but you can do it.
I am so so sorry for what you’re going through. I was widowed in my first marriage and my ex P discard in the second was worse. When I was widowed sad as it was, I still had relationships with my late husband’s family, and they are still my family now almost 20 years later.
Taralev
Is the restraining order still in place? Was it a temporary or permanent one? You know how much legal trouble you can get into by violating it ? I know I retained my lawyer for the court hearing to get it dismissed. If it is a permanent one, it will stay on a record. In my state here you will be put in jail for at least 12 months for violating any restraining order. And no they don’t care if he messages you first. He can still contact you. You must stop responding. You will end up in jail. Is this what he probably wants for you ? I know my ex did. So don’t message him back. He already put this order on you. Can you see what he is capable of ?