UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Wow Annette on the RT. 29 killer…thank goodness you didn’t fall for his ploy….that’s scary!
Yes, Annette, how crazy/scary!
Thank God you kept going…
Wow Annette.
That is so crazy. You actually saw the guy? You are so lucky that you did not stop. God was with you.
annette
wow”you never know..thats scary
Amille, Remember, Kaya, Jane D,
It was months afterward that I made the connection. I just thought he was a nut. God protected me in that I knew very very very strongly that there was nothing wrong with my car and I perceived he was creepy/evil on some level. After making eye contact and trying to figure out what he was gesturing about, I knew it was not true and I wouldn’t look at him and slowed down so he’d pass. That was when I could see rage. Other women he tried to get to pull over noticed the same thing if they didn’t stop. The whole thing took half a minute, and I forgot about it until later when Alicia Showalter Reynolds went missing and other women came forward with similar accounts.
Hi All….. I had to delete email and change cell phone number as ex keeps creating alias to go around blocks. I tried to change my email with amille2 profile… But everything keeps being sent to the address I want to delete
Anyway I just created a new profile using amille22….but its still me (amille2)
What a hassle to do this. I forget how email and numbers are tied to everything!
However, it must be done. I cannot stand wondering if he is “there” every time I look at phone and email.
I want the peace of mind knowing he can’t contact me.
Amille22
Good for you. I like to hear when someone had succeeded in blocking. Has he tried to come to your home at all? What have his emails been saying?
Amille, huge positive step forward!! well more like 1000 steps forward!! 🙂 Congrats on taking your power back 🙂 🙂 🙂
In my experience, it’s best not to even read his emails, and not to focus on their content unless there is a need to do so. NC is necessary for recovery, and if the spath is in one’s thoughts, he’s still doing harm. The opposite is true of good friends and family who love us – when we think of them we feel better and their caring for us comes through even when they’re not around.
This is great to hear. You’re doing the right thing for yourself; you’re an inspiration.
Thank you. Im having a hard enough time working through this process that I don’t need him popping up….
To your point, I need to focus on anything else but him.
Yes, completely deleted the email account and changed cell phone number.
I hope I never have to do it again.
You know what tho? I can feel a weight lifting….
JaneD….I deleted email as soon as I realized from him. Something about that I am wrong and that he wants me to come over and see for myself that he lives alone. That I shouldn’t hate him, I should hate what he did.
What?!!?
Thanks to all here, I realize what a bunch of crap. I’m sure he would love it if I showed up on his doorstep crying once I see his wife is there. No thank you.
Ameille22,
You deleted your email too?
Congrats on official NC!
Chin up love, we can do this!
xoxo
A22,
Also, were you able to delete the email acct?
It was a bit annoying to find out how to do it right for me- if it’s gmail or yahoo, I googled how to delete email address.
I was able to after looking it up. Yahoo was more hard to find how to then google. Make sure you are on a computer not tablet or phone.
LOL Remember, yes I had to Google and follow step by step on how to delete the email account. They don’t make it easy….
Amille
Congratulations on the huge and so important step to delete email address and change phone no. Like Anette said, it is so much healthier not reading anything they have to say. The reality is that whatever they write, it is NOT about love, it is nothing more than manipulation.
Continually re-engaging with the Narcissist, after breakups or discards, regardless of the amount of harm suffered, or amount of time that has passes, impedes our normal life functioning.
It is a constant feeling of heartache, sadness, depression and worthlessness.
It will cause us emotional and psychological harm, and it is just not productive.
My counselor once said…”he abused your for 20 some years, what makes you think that he will respect you now, after he threw you in the trash?”
No contact is not meant for relationships where there was mutual love and respect, but it just didn’t work out. Many of us who were addicted to them would rather have a piece of them, than nothing at all. If you want to reclaim your life, No Contact is the ONLY way.
Once I initiated no contact, I slowly started to feel in control again and actually I felt pretty good about myself – but I know it takes one phone call, one text message that I respond to and I am right back in the craziness again.
I will never forget the tremendous power my addiction to him had over me and I must be ALWAYS diligent to stay far, far away from him. That is what no contact is all about.
Congratulation Amille….
Thank you Kaya, it means a lot coming from you, Jan, Annette, Remember, Jane and everyone else who has reached out along the way to help me.
I would probably be in the dark still and been sucked back in with the latest Hoover if it weren’t for all of you.
I still have bad days, but you all have given me the knowledge and tools to keep on this path. And I feel like if I broke NC now I would be letting you all down ( and no way I want to try and change emails again!!!)
I know ultimately I have to stick to NC for me….but I take inspiration where I can right now.
Thank you all again.
Amille22
When I see ppl go as far as you it makes me happy because I know I am in the right place on LF. I may be a little behind and the process is long and hard but I can honestly say being here has done so much for me.
I would probably have not known to go NC (although broken a few times) I wouldn’t know that he is abnormal and not well, I would believe there was something wrong with “our relationship” and I would never ever understand the complexity of it all. I just can’t believe how much knowledge I’ve picked up over the last few months and how it’s taught me to know what I know.
And when I have bad days and fall off the wagon, I know where to come where I won’t be looked down at and told to “move on”
It is one of the best things I’ve done
For myself
Jane, everybody must do things at their own pace, their own level of comfort….
This decision isn’t based on me feeling like I’m “over it.” I still have ways to go. I shed tears while I was changing over all my accounts to the new email, picking a new cell number. I still mourn what I thought I had, sad as to the reality, anger for his treatment of me, scared a bit for a potential future alone (crazy cat lady 😺), etc, etc.
When I saw he disrespected me once again by using an alias to get around my block, I just decided that was it. It didn’t really matter what he said. His words are meaningless.
I just don’t want to be out 2 months from now, having a good time with my family or friends…. And have him intrude with an email or text. He doesn’t have a right to do that.
He is no longer a part of my life.
Kaya
Having broken nc a few times I really can say I feel miserable after compared to when I’m actually doing nc.
I have such clarity and so much peace in my head when I have absolutely nothing to deal with about him.
If I were to read old messages, although all deleted for my own sanity at this point, it gives me such anxiety in my body that I don’t feel well for a cpl days. When I have peace I enjoy the smallest things, anything will make me happy.
The best way for me to describe nc versus contact is it’s like two different worlds for my mind
But damn when I break it, it comes at me full force and that little voice tells me to do it! And then I regret it after…
Annette
I have a good friend who doesn’t understand at all. When this happened to me she basically offered no comfort…she is one of my closest friends. All she cld say was “just forget it”. When I tried explaining how a sociopath works after gathering and reading much info, she laughed and thought I was going too far and “can’t you just forget it!”
Not too long ago her dad passed away and I was with her through it all. She went into a deep sadness and I did my best to support her. She said to me during/after it all “this type
Of sadness nobody will ever know unless they have been there before” and I agreed with her, as my father is living so I couldn’t tell her I knew what she felt.
At this time of grieving I didn’t want to start comparing, our two situations were somewhat similar, because we both hadnt been in each others shoes and couldn’t understand how we were each dealin with it. But my point being is although her hurt and suffering and mine were different, they were still similar and she would tell me today, “no it is not the same at all. You can get over someone bad and cruel but your father is a father ”
I don’t try anymore explaining my situation is awful if you’ve dealt with it because she doesn’t see it that way and disagrees each time I’ve said
It. I just let it go and do what I can to support her..
It sounds like maybe she is not such a good friend to you as you are a friend to her. It sounds as though she is somewhat selfish, beyond just not understanding. Her comparison of your problems to hers is not healthy; it is inappropriately competitive – that’s not an accurate and helpful way to view hardships.
It sounds like you’re doing the right thing for yourself by letting her lack of support go, and continuing to do right by her. It sounds like a friendship that will probably fade.
Annette
Funny thing is she is a good friend. Maybe because I’m definitely more empathetic than She is. I can tolerate her ways. She is a more non sympathetic person in a lot of ways.
I choose not to speak about my situation with her, at all. I will not bring it up when I’m down or if I want to break nc or if he contacted me.
She feels she warned me at the beginning not to be involved and what has happened is now because of not following her advice. That’s fine and I do appreciate her opinion because she was right, she did see a problem before I did.
But it’s her lack of empathy or her way she feels I shd just move on and/or when I try to explain she needs to be in my shoes it is NOT a normal person I dealt with, she doesn’t get it and she stands strong in her opinion.
That’s ok I prefer being on LF anyway.
Thanks for explaining more. If the friendship feels good to you, then perhaps she is a good friend to you in other ways. Everyone and every situation is different, and you know best whether the dynamics of the friendship is right for you or not.
JD,
And we’re here to remind you DON’T do IT!!
🙂
xo
Remember
If we lived closer you could
Slap my hand
It would be nice to know all the girls on here 🙂