UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Remember
It’s very smart not to anywhere he could possibly be. I do not set foot in the county where my ex husband is a sheriffs deputy. I will not give him any opportunity to “abusel” me again .
And I also stopped trying to explain to people what my ex was like. Comments like “you two still could be friends, he is still the father of your son, and so on…..” I just smile and don’t answer. They don’t understand. Only others who have been through the same can empathisize with us. Divorcing a narcissust is not like a “normal ” divorce. For me , it truly was going to war. And to this day I have a certain amount of money in my budget allocated to my lawyer for possible “shananigans” my ex could come up with. I realize it will be like this for ever. I just have my weapons ready in form of correspondence from my attorney to him. I would rather pay him outrageous amounts then communicate with my ex husband.
I got used to this and it does not bother me anymore. I used to get nervous and shaky and now I am like “what now, bring it on”.
Speaking of avoiding….. I received a text from a mutual “friend” of my ex late last night….my new phone number kicked in at midnight.
My ex always claimed he didn’t like or trust this guy, but I always had one of those weird feelings about the true nature of their relationship….I also heard a rumor he was involved with the woman that I believe is now living with/married to my ex about 6 years ago.
Anyway, I have not seen this guy for over 3 years. He is the same person who text me on Mother’s Day which was about 2 weeks after I left my ex….I thought it was odd at the time.
This text invited me to a cookout today. The text was written as if he were talking to several people, “……if anyone wants to stop by….” Yet I was the only one listed in the address line.
I’m obviously not going. This is all too close for comfort. And I cannot respond as I don’t want this person to have my new phone number.
Weird? Or am I being paranoid?
A22,
That is weird. He messaged you before the number kicked in?
Uggh. good for not answering.
Yes text came in around 11 pm….my new number kicked in at midnight….
Hi Amille, nothing is coincident when it comes to a sociopath trying to con a victim back into his web of deception.
When I had proof of my ex affair (the first affair – two year affair) he tried everything from pity play, triangulation, intimidation blame shifting etc to get me to stay with him…his last resort was to get his friends involved to convince me that he was “sorry” and would “never cheat again”.
This couple he sucked into his game were married and the man cheated on his wife for a long time. They stayed together and they told me to “give him another chance”. At that point I was so exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically that I could not even think straight to leave plus throw in the old saying “marriage is hard work”, “don’t give up on your marriage”….I stayed. I was a step ford robot zombie wife so mind controlled by my ex. He fed these friends exactly what to say to me. They separated me and convinced me that I should not tell anyone about his affair…which of course I did and every time I saw them they would ask me if I told anyone…so weird when I look back on it all.
This to me is not coincidental if your ex has been trying to contact you…of course he would resort to a “mutual friend” to get you to a place that you could “talk” but would not make a scene because you would be at a party…what better place to “talk”.
My ex was great at telling me “not to trust her or him” this was to keep me isolated and without friends and to never compare notes about his behavior with the people he did not trust (which of course I now know he conned them too).
He even did it with our first marriage counselor who I now think knew who he was but did not tell me. After the first session my ex literally said for me “not to trust her” the whole care ride home. All brain washing of course.
BEWARE…of how your ex will try to suck you back into his sick & twisted world!!
Glad you trusted your instincts about this email & are questioning his motives & his friends.
You also have to ask yourself what kind of “friend” stands idly by and watches him cheat on his wife”. Not much integrity or morals from this guy either.
My ex spath used people in all kinds of ways to harass and abuse me during and after the fake ‘marriage.’
Thank you Remember, Jan and Annette, this whole contact has me spooked a bit.
Now I am really glad that I changed my phone number. neither of them has it…
Yeah, I wasn’t to trust this friend but then I got the impression they still talked…and while I may be wrong, like you said…don’t want to be around any if them.
Between this invite and that last Hoover email…and again, thank God neither have my email now.,I have the feeling he is trying to lure me to him..not to talk….but to humiliate me by me seeing him with his wife. At least that is what my gut tells me.
This time I’m going to listen.
Jan, that is strange about those friends….did you know them well? Did they eventually figure him out? I’m sorry they did that to you.
Amille, your gut is telling you exactly what he is capable i.e. taking his wife to the same party. I have learned that our brains come up with the answer quickly but we choose to rationalize the situation instead of just listening to that first gut reaction.
No I did not know those people very well. The man was a client of his and my ex would travel to their state for business staying at their home. When I met them the husband was always rude to me like I did something wrong even though I was friend and nice to him…it was so odd because on my own I never had this reaction only around my ex’s friends/business clients. After finding out about his 2 year affair and after leaving years later did I started to piece together that he was manipulating them & lying about me & I realized he was triangulation all of us so that we never talked about his behavior.
It’s so crazy the hell that I lived in ever thing he did was a screwed up mind game from day one.
I have no contact with them now. They gave me the worse advise ever, even at the time I was what the heck is going on I want to leave my h and they are spending hours trying to get me to stay with him….I ended up in hell for another 7 years….before talking to them I was done out the door. This is why you must be very careful now and down the road because sociopaths always try to weasel back into your life. When I hear stories of the people that escape Scientolgy and how the cult follower go to the people that escaped house to convince them & intimate them to go back this is what I felt like from my ex and these people = so pressured to stay with my ex. This is not a marriage if you feel pressured to stay when all you want to do is run away from the marraige.
Either way it’s bad news that this “friend” contact you…thankfully you have switched phone numbers/email…another reason why the no contact rule is always the way to go.
If this man had something important to tell you he would not have sent an email for a party after 3 years of not seeing him, instead he would have sent you an email stating I am glad you are no longer dating your ex for these reasons.
For me anyone my ex stayed friends with I cut them out of my life for my safety and piece of mind as I did not want them to tell him anything about my life.
Wow Jan….that’s incredible. Of course your ex was telling these client friends that you were crazy or controlling or not supportive or other crap they come up with.
I wonder why they were so insistent on talking to you for hours to stay with your ex? Were they reporting what you said back to your ex.
I will remain cautious. I don’t know anyone else tied to my ex that could obtain my contact info.
Did you see that documentary on Scientology? That is some really scary stuff going on there….
Amille, it was all so crazy even at the time…it’s a long story I just gave you a quick overview. When I was told who he was and that sociopaths can brain wash & mind control people I looked back on the whole relationship and just realized he was masterful at these things and had basically a mini cult following with friends/clients. At the time I thought it was so bazar RED flags where flying every where but I just could not put my finger on all his crazy behavior. Any other boyfriend prior I would not have put up with bad behavior this is why its all so crazy. After reading the book Freedom of mind by Steven hassan and Women who love psychopaths everything made sense about how I wanted to leave but was mentally tied to him and why I was literally exhausted mentally, emotionally & physically.
My ex only got these client friends involved because I was literally on my way to my parents home and he new if I made it to their home I was never going back to him. So so crazy like a nightmare that never end.
No I have not watch the Scientology movie but Ron L Hubbard meets all the traits of a psychopath even his grandchildren that are not in the cult have made statements to that affect. It’s a very sad world that these cults can just go on extorting people and controlling their minds without the govt stepping in to shut them down only France is doing now taking action to expel this cult out of france.
I am just shaking my head at you changing your number and out of the blue this guy contacts you…what are the odds??? So glad you are going full no contact it’s the best decision you have ever made it will give you some peace of mind.
What ever you do DO NOT go to your ex’s home EVER or any where else he ask you to go. This man could be very dangerous! (I know that you have no intention but I just want to warn you to be very careful now and if something is amiss in your home or car call the police! Don’t hesitate one bit! And look into an alarm system for your home check them out at Home Deport & Lowes they have some that only take batteries and are easy to install or check out the alarm companies that monitor your home. It’s a good safe thing to do.
Amille, in a post which I lost on the tread before I had time to write back you asked me if I was a therapist..no….just passing all the thing along that I have learned so far on my healing journey.
Cant remember what else you asked in that post.
Jan, no worries on the previous post where I referenced your therapist skills….I don’t remember what I may have asked either!
Yes, I can see how your ex manipulated this couple. I wonder if they ever saw his true colors.
What else did your ex do in the months after you left? I understand if you do not wish to revisit or discuss. Just trying to learn from others’ experiences.
What are the odds? Just like being at the same intersection last week.
There is no way I would go to his house…or anywhere else with him.
He is toxic.
Amille, I don’t mean to scare you but do you think it is possible that your ex is following you?
Two coincidences in just a week span is a RED FLAG to me first the stop light & now the “friends” email invite. Plus the fact you said he has been emailing you asking to see you.
When it comes to a sociopaths/narc there are no coincidences when you are dealign with them it’s all planned out on their part.
Like you I went no contract with him full…but that was hard because we were divorcing. At first before I went no contact he would send me long ranting email messages blaming me for everything in our marriage…yep this is the guy that when I finally escaped had three mistress in two different states and years earlier had a two year affair plus countless other affairs and abused me in every way. I moved thousands of miles away to a very secure building so he was not able to access me that way only in court which I refused to talk with him what so ever…if he approached me in the hall way which he did over time I would walk away from him. There was no need to get sucked back into his mind control game of manipulation and thats exactly what he would have done.
Since the divorce I have no contact with him…when people say “Im sorry that you got a divorce”, I say “Im not I am glad I divorce him”.
I cut contact with anyone that he kept as friends…I do not keep tabs on him because I know exactly what he is doing = manipulating, conning, abusing, lying etc everyone that he comes into contact with. At the end I told him who he was and he knew the game was up…he knew from day one that he is a sociopath he gave me hints to it in the beginning of our relationship that he knew he was one but of course I did not understand what he meant now I do. He is evil & dangerous.
Can you tell me how you meet your ex? and how did he court you? Did he spend a lot of time in the beginning of the relationship calling/texting/visiting you?
Wow what you described that’s what happened with me. I was never allowed to mention it or talk about it to anyone or I would be left. I was also triangled by the siblings. I was also not to mention it to family. I figured it was to isolate me. He also played the pity card. Needless to say he would also have this on going texting convos ( that would last forever), everytime I would see him with this one coworker. He always laughed because this coworker was a pilot and would speak about this lady and that in slang. My ex would snicker. He was also the coworker who would play the game of how many women can he pick up in a bar on guys nights. I found after when I googled the ex just to see what’s been going on this coworker is actually MARRIED with two kids! Who remains friends with someone who is willing to cheat lie and laugh about it? Let alone text and snicker. The whole things discusts me. No values. No beliefs. None what so ever.
As for the mutual friend texting I’ve had that. Their is no coincidence. They are either just nosy and or trying to get info for the ex. If they had something important to share with you ( like they are happy you two are over and need to be honest about something) they would have shared it with you already. I know I’m staying away from any friends we had. Plus most of the mutual friends we did have didn’t want to have anything to do with him because they saw how he treated me in towards the hospital and my appointments.
Beware if you do decide to contact that person. Thank goodness your new no has kicked in. So shady. Anyone who cares is transparent. That is one thing I am learning. It’s manipulative people who are not.
Have a good night ladies.
If your intuition is telling you something is off, it most likely is. You are so doing the right thing by not responding at all. That is the best way to extinguish the stalking. Any response fuels more game playing. The best and safest outcome for you is your ex and his henchmen will get bored and forget about you. If he can’t play games with you, he will lose interest in harassing/harming you.
Kaya, JD,
Thank you Kaya…
He ironically lives RIGHT by my mom’s house too.
When I need to go by there I take a back way as to not even see or pass his street.
Yes, JD me seeing him would be horrible for ME, not him.
They look at it like, just walk by and act like you don’t care.
I look at it like he doesn’t deserve to even see me!!!!!
Amielle22,
it is weird though. I don’t even want to associate with people he knows…
the night I did go out, I didn’t see him, but it still gave me a sad feeling afterwards.
These are not normal breakups!!!!!!!
In my experience, continuing to associate with anyone and anything to do with an ex spath keeps bad energy in one’s life. Getting away from everything to do with the ex spath makes room for good things and good people.
Annette,
I like how you worded that, anything to do with an ex spath keeps bad energy in one’s life.
Amen.
Remembertoforget,
Your comment stood out to me. This too makes me sad. Going to places where I risk seeing my ex. I don’t bother trying anymore. Everytime I’ve risked it I’m left feeling sad for days.
No, these are not normal breakups.
It’s unfortunate we have to deal with this existence. Even if temporary. Or is it temporary?
You will feel better. Human beings have amazing spirits, and can recover, repair and rebuild from a great deal of damage. We have incredible potential to be whole. It takes a lot of work and some time.
keepingOn,
I don’t bother thinking about going anymore. I can’t talk about it to anyone, they don’t get it really, and I know for them I should probably be over it by now.
I agree that there are Narcissists EVERYWHERE. I believe they are common, or maybe just around where I live, Metropolitan area…?
I guess it’s temporary, I read that it will be over and we will officially not care anymore.
I had a solid 2 weeks, and although I am well, I’ve been bothered by some memories this week, or triggers.
I hop you are doing ok, and taking steps needed through this hopefully temporary existence.
Remember,
I do think like that they are everywhere. I don’t feel safe. I’m noticing how many toxic people have been in my life. This is not easy.
I’ve read and read but it still seems people stay in their ex’s hold. I refuse to be that woman. How do we break free and not care? Time and healing hopefully.
Bright side is you went two whole weeks. How long has it been for you to get to this point? I’m sorry you were triggered. Not a fun experience.
I’ve been tying from my phone and making mistakes everywhere! I DON’T Like that they are EVERYWHERE!!
I read they are more common in the US. Lucky me.
KO,
Not sure what triggered me, a narc at work was being nasty for 2 days, also it’s been since the first week in May that I have gone FULL NC, by deleting my email address.
Just had some memories creep up about all the covert stuff, and his whole con game, and how some believe it, that’s why they are with him I guess.
Just more realizations.
Just a fake a phony, everything he did had a motive behind it.
Amille
Do you think that is his game plan? He wants you to see him with his wife/gf?
Do you think maybe his purpose of trying to get you to speak is so you can see her?
He really is a piece of work, that would be the icing on the cake especially since he’s been trying to convince you she stalks him.
Don’t go to the BBQ chances are they both are there or the friend who contacted you is trying to get info to pass along to your ex. Or perhaps now you’re not with the ex could he be persuing you?
In the emails I received, my ex was all about wanting me to come to his house to prove I’m wrong about his wife/that he is living with someone. I don’t know Jane, maybe I’m reading too much into it but it was almost as if he was insisting I show up.
I deleted that email and the email account so I can’t tell you the exact words….like I said it is just my feeling.
Given he is a Narcissist, what better fun than to see me humiliated by his wife answering the door;and her in pain?
This friend is married… So I don’t think he is pursuing me. .not that being married appears to mean much with these people. But why would he now? He hadn’t seen me in 3 years!
No Blue, not going to respond. I do not want him to have my new number..besides, I deleted his profile on my phone and I don’t remember his number…..I’m staying as far away as possible.
Ame22, Jan7,
And just like my ex best friend who is severely disordered, is emailing 3-4 people “looking for me” rambling on about her needing surgeries and how I just disappeared! what??!
If she really was looking for me, all she has to do is call my job, I answer the phone. Duhh.
She is crying victim for attention.
We ended our friendship, she was my 3rd number change.
NC FOREVER!
I remember you posting about her…. Is she still “looking for you?”
Ugh on 3 phone changes….once was a pain….
Ame22,
This week has been quiet, but see these people will try and get other people to talk to you, or get pitty even though they were the abuser.
This girl wants attention and pity and she screwed me over.
She knows where I work and live. Funny, the people all hadn’t heard from me, and they didn’t respond to her. She is looney.
Remember, she sounds off.
Thank you for the warnings about them using other people. I am definitely on guard now.
I hope this woman stays away from you!
I ran into a mutual acquaintance. The acquaintance was aware that the sociopath and I were divorced. It was the same old story of how much the sociopath “loves” me and wants me back and the advice the acquaintance had, until I informed the acquaintance of a couple of the abusive behaviors during the final break. Judging by the look on the acquaintance’s face, the sociopath had never let on that there was any fault besides mine for the breakup. I told the acquaintance after someone does A and B to you, there is no going back. I ended the conversation with a wish for the sociopath to do well in life, just without me. (Social niceties and proof that I am not the crazed vengeful person the sociopath’s smear campaign would make me out to be) The really telling thing is the look of shock on people’s faces when they meet and interact with me and I am sane and normal. Just how much shock is what tells me how far in the sociopath’s clutches they are.
NoMoreWool, good for you telling the whole truth!!! You have planted the seed in the minds of these people to really watch the sociopaths behavior…they too will see his mask slip.
These sociopaths expect us to remain silent even after we leave them…the good news for any future victims…we do not remain silent…we have found our voice again!! Powerful moments!!!
Nomore,
Excellent doings.
If I run into a situation like that I plan on nicely and calmly doing the same thing. I will not sit quiet protecting his nice-guy persona.
🙂
“Nice” and “calm” are the key elements. If you have prepared yourself for accidental encounters it is easier to remain calm. Getting worked up just feeds into the crazy image of you from the smear campaign.
NMW,
Your post hit home. I’ve thought long and hard about how I’d deal with mutual people. You handled yours with dignity and grace. I feel inspired. Inspired if I can keep my sh*t together when that time comes.
It reminds me of an acquaintance I ran into a couple of months ago I had with my ex. He became close friends witb her after we broke up. I greeted her with kindness and my impression was she was shocked at how normal I seemed. It was like she didn’t expect me to be nice and grounded. I didn’t speak a word of him.
Thank you for sharing this.
“I didn’t speak a word of him.”
I don’t mention the sociopath to mutual acquaintances unless they bring it up. When I talk of the sociopath, I am careful to stay as positive as possible unless the acquaintance gets into any specifics. Then I will calmly and matter-of-factly give just enough factual details to convey why getting back together is NOT a possibility.
The “A” and “B” I mentioned above were just enough details for the situation. I did not go into the days-long odyssey of abuse I endured before I left. I am not out to alienate the sociopath’s friends, the sociopath will do that given enough time. Too much information, while factual, may make me seem to be as crazy as the sociopath portrays (seriously though, you can’t make up stuff like what the sociopath did to me).
NWHS,
God Bless you and thank you for sharing that.
🙂
Remembertoforget
Sorry for my wordiness! Obviously I still have a residual issue of thinking I have to completely explain or else I will be judged as “wrong”.
Thank you for noticing me. Sometimes I post my heartfelt soul rendering and there’s no response. I have to fight that old feeling that the reason for no response is I’m not worthy of a response.
See… even though I’ve processed enormous abuse, I do still work on echoing evil messages to myself. They aren’t true. They are just examples of abusive messages from a sociopath. We all fight to weed out the poison!
I will say the murders of good people pursuing their connection to GOD really affected me. I saw photos of them, saw the purity of their souls in those photos, and the loss of such good souls is a huge blow to all they would have loved. So I am back to looking for validation that we can prevail against evil. LF is an encouraging place to find that.
This is to NWHS specifically, although it is meant for all of us. You said that you sometimes didn’t feel worthy if there were no specific responses after you have written from your soul; like you did not deserve a response. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. You ARE worthy and deserve to be noticed.
Speaking only for myself, I do not get on this site everyday anymore. And I think that is a sign of progressing health. Rather than reading about spaths and spending every waking moment thinking about the past abuse, I am filling my days with joy. I love to sew, and I have not been able to do it for several months now, as I had a cast on my arm from fingers to shoulder. I wake up now, excited to fill the days’ errands and get back to my sewing. I am far from being healed from the abuse, but it is becoming less and less with something else to look forward to every day. So if you are not getting personal responses as quickly as you had hoped, please do not take it personally. We are all here for you, all day and every day. You are loved. It might just take me a couple of days to get back personally….
Never again
I think it’s a fantastic sign that other things preoccupy your mind.
I too feel the same and often don’t get a chance to look at a
Post until much later in day or even the next day.
I value each and every one here and try to make it part of my day.
It is definitely a good sign that other hobbies or chores or interests are filling our minds…that’s a big step towards healing
I have had times in the past where something would obsess my thoughts for months at a time. The only time I felt as though I’d broken the obsessive pattern is when something enjoyable started replacing those thoughts, as for yourself and sewing…it’s a big jump to a better place
Kudos 🙂
I often read posts that I find helpful, moving, that I relate to personally, and/or I am moved to pray for the poster; but I don’t always respond unless I feel I have something to add.
NWHSOM
I agree with never again….
Everyone who posts here is in the same boat, we all look to each other for guidance and valued advice.
In the last 10 months it is because of YOU and many others that I have gotten to where I am
You are never unheard and everything that each and every one here that has spoken, is also heard loud and clear. Sometimes I too, write specific things that don’t get answers to, and I wonder, I hope
I didn’t offend or go unnoticed. I think also the posts get lost and mixed up and sometimes hard to find, in my case sometimes it’s like this.
I do still come on daily either to read or respond. Sometimes days go and I haven’t said anything but each bit of advice goes straight to my heart and am so thankful for this place and for YOU NWHSOM.
Maybe the feeling of being unnoticed or unheard stems back to our poison relationship. Whatever was said by US meant nothing to them and whatever THEY said to us meant nothing to them…we were discarded and treated poorly. this is so traumatic that we feel we are unheard or unworthy by ppl because of them..I know it has left me feeling this way often.
Not
I so much seems elf on your “story”. I went through the same evilness . And I am still here.
Going through my journal I kept thoughout the divorce process I found these tips here :
1. Understand and accept why the divorce happened. Accept why you were discarded . Accept that it was not your fault , no matter what he or other people say . Never accept any responsibility for his cheating , lying , abusing .
2. Imagine s happy future WITHOUT the narcissist /sociopath in your life.
3. Imagine a “funeral ” for the old marriage / relationship .
4. Focus on yourself ONLY .
5. Decide you will not be intimidated , even through court proceedings. You are paying your attorney to “shield and protect ” you from his crazy accusations.
6. Pretend you are doing better.
7. Develop spirituality .
The end result in my case was :
Now , I can do whatever I like without the need to keep another person happy. I no longer devote my precious time trying to keep HIM happy. Compromises are no longer necessary .
My goal was to feel INDIFFERENCE , the opposite of love. Not sad, not angry , not anything at all .
Today I no longer have to “act as if ” because I have become indifferent.
kaya48
I think Donna needs to write a new book, filled with wisdom from those who’ve passed through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and gotten to the other side. It’s nice to have markers of progress, and know that there really is “an other side” of misery. The book could be filled with one/two lines of wisdom, just as you list above.
And like you, I USED to pretend things were fine. I did it because I got tired of crying. Crying didn’t purge a damn thing for me. There was TOO BIG a burden to cry about.
But YOu are right… I don’t have to pretend anymore. And most of the time, I forget because I am too busy living an authentic and enriching life.
I am not indifferent to my ex, I should let go of my current feelings, revulsion that I let such a slimeball touch me back in the days when I thought our intimacy was sacred. He wasn’t sacred, he was hedonistic and I had NO CLUE. I did eventually try to keep my ex entertained because if I didn’t, he’d go find someone who would and I’d feel so crushed and depressed that it didn’t occur to me that I was worth being treated with regard, I thought of myself as a failure for not keeping my husband “happy” and therefore it was okay to cheat and abuse me. CRAZYMAKING THINKING! Not any more! Truth and Love is my focus now.
I don’t have to act as if I’m not bothered or as if I am happy. I am quite content, joyfilled, and following my philosophy that LOVE is the ONLY thing that matters in the end.
Thank you for your post, I enjoy reading your responses.
Not,
Ah ha…you certainly are Not what he said of you.
I thank you kind ones for being here and sharing and baring your souls for the good of others.
We all help each other.
I do pray and hope that we can prevail against evil.