UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
You agreed to have a permanent restraining order placed against you. You should have never agreed to that. You gave him so much more power over you now. If you have the resources retain an attorney to get this dismissed. Have an attorney file a motion. Don’t let that be a permanent one. Take him to court and get this dismissed and then stay no contact. That is what I did. I wAs thinking “you are filing this injunction against me and this is what you are going to get now, NO CONTACT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I truly hope you can do the same.
You are a sweet person struggling with the worst betrayal and loss. I understand about the children, and I understand the bond and the love you have for children you raised since they were infants. This is a huge loss. It’s not meant to be. The pain you’re feeling is why society is traditionally set up in ways that
You mentioned that you pray. I don’t know the specifics of your faith, but the God of the Bible understands the pain of your betrayal. Check out Psalms 55 and 10, and there are others. When I was where you are a few years ago, a minister suggested reading the Psalms. It helped me a lot.
Yes- I pray a lot.I will look those up and read them as soon as I get home tonight thank you. I wish someone would just shake me and drill it into my brain what he is. I keep questioning ..”is he really a sociopath” or just a evil man
The parable of the Tares in Matthew is helpful. It describes how the tares (the evil people) look just like the wheat (the good folks), but they have different motives. I prayed and fasted and my prayers were often answered. God stepped in and protected me in ways I overlooked. God cares how you feel, and He will deal with the P appropriately, though it may not be on our timetable.
One thing to remember is that God gives everyone free moral agency, free choice, and He will not compel anyone to make any particular choice. I prayed that my ex P change, but it’s up to God to bring someone to repentance (change) and even if God makes things perfectly clear to a P, the P just doesn’t choose to change. That’s pretty much what a P is – they don’t change, they don’t choose right.
The Bible says God loves us, and allows trials for reasons that are ultimately best for us, though we don’t see it at the time.
I hope and pray you find some peace in turning over the enormity of your present trial to God, and that you’ll be free to focus on doing what’s right and what’s best for you, which isn’t always the easiest thing.
Also, God knows whether he’s just evil or a sociopath, or whatever. It’s up to God to heal him if he has a physical disorder or punish him appropriately if he’s evil. The definition of evil is pretty much the definition of a sociopath.
It matters more that this guy is not good for you, he harms you. God wants us to protect ourselves and not allow someone to harm us needlessly. Don’t cast your pearls before swine, and many other Proverbs telling us not to associate with evil people unnecessarily.
My ex P faked being a Christian, and 1 Cor 5:11 clearly says not to associate with a person who calls himself a Christian who is immoral.
Here is that shake you ordered up: What difference does it make whether his evil traits have a name?! He hurt you. Did you make that up? Did you deserve that? Do you want more?
(shake shake drill drill) 🙂
AnnettePK…the Psalms are very calming. Very good advice.
Taralev
I wanted to tell the words of my lawyer from last year “why are you giving him so much power over you?” Think about those words. It took an attorney for me to come to my senses. When he explained the legal consequences of injunctions and so on , I finally “woke up”. I don’t want anyone, besides God, to be in control of my life. Especially not a cheater and liar.
You have to start thinking of yourself only. Not about the other girl or his old she is, how she looks , nothing. This should be about you. Get control of you life , hire a criminal defense lawyer and get that restraining order dismissed. Show your ex in court that you are strong and powerful. If it takes an attorney so let it be. Show him you are not afraid. If he took legal action by filing a TRO, then do the same. Get a lawyer and go to court. I spent 1400$ to get the TRO dismissed. But in the long run it was for the best. I took the little control the ex thought he had, away from him. He would think twice now doing something like that after he looked like a complete idiot/loser in court. In the county court where he is a law enforcement officer. Him being embarrassed by my lawyer and the judge was my little “victory “.
kaya48…this is what I called in another post “removing your emotions from the equation.” It’s imperative. It took me a long time to be able to do it, but once one does, it helps a lot. Did it mean that I didn’t still have feelings for him? No. Did it mean I didn’t hurt anymore? No. It doesn’t remove the feelings, but it makes our head more clear to be able to think rationally if we remove our feelings from the situation. It doesn’t mean we don’t “feel” those feelings, it just helps us get some control.
Tara,
Also, God knows whether he’s just evil or a sociopath, or whatever. It’s up to God to heal him if he has a physical disorder or punish him appropriately if he’s evil. The definition of evil is pretty much the definition of a sociopath.
It matters more that this guy is not good for you, he harms you. God wants us to protect ourselves and not allow someone to harm us needlessly. Don’t cast your pearls before swine, and many other Proverbs telling us not to associate with evil people unnecessarily.
My ex P faked being a Christian, and 1 Cor 5:11 clearly says not to associate with a person who calls himself a Christian who is immoral.
I try to read my devotional book all the time, and try to keep praying. The ironic thing is, this stepfather is very very religious. He preaches at the local jail and has tried to raise his children to be good and follow the lord. My ex..used religion ALL THE TIME. If I caught him in a lie…his way to fix it was “please honey lets go to church”..or ” I need to go talk to my pastor” which he never really did talk to the pastor. I found out later he used that line with his ex.
All I really have right now is my faith. Because the pain hurts me so bad some days I feel like I cant breathe. I know he stays with her every night, hes even told her he loves her after just a few months.
Its very very hard..I know karma happens in its own time I just want to be able to see it. He let my tv get shut off..it was in his name..and left behind 4 boxes and dvrs!! He doesn’t even care to return them. He said “thanks to you I owe $900 to direct tv because you wont return the boxes”. None of that is my reasonability!
I will just try to get thru today. The weekends are very hard for me..I just wish I had been smarter..seen thru him. I literally was trash thrown out. With no second thought. My son too.
Yes, they think of people as garbage. If you get a chance to read more about the disorder, you’ll find that your experience is sadly very typical of what they do. The way they discard us is a big part of their disorder.
Even though it’s not your responsibility, if you’re up to it, consider taking the direct tv boxes, the dvr’s and everything else that is his and taking it to a friends or his parents where he can get it. If you take someone with you you’ll have a witness that you returned his stuff, and someone to buffer you from any conversation with his parents. Or you could return the boxes to direct tv, and mail the receipt to him.
I took forever getting my ex P’s stuff back to him, and he came to get some of it and it was so much drama he created, he was still pushing my buttons.
Taralav
I had to do things for myself not because I felt like it but because I knew it was a step forward.
So I wondered, what are you going to do for yourself today?
I had to PLAN things to do at my low times, evening and weekends because at those moments, I could not think of anything. If you could make a list of things you can do for yourself?
My list included:
walk in the nature park
buy a soda and sit watching the rose garden at the park
watch Joel Osteen (it was his show where he said, “God did not put you on this earth to be abused”, that gave me the thought that God cared. My church is very isolating. The rituals comfort me but it’s not a community church. And he’s online so available anytime. I like his encouraging message even though he’s not my religion.) I do understand your very bad man uses religion, that’s common. But your faith is there to remind you of who YOU are, a child of GOD, a woman who LOVES, a pearl above all the evil ones in the world. And we NEED her in this world.
get a massage or at least a foot massage (helps move the toxins from your body)
That’s the start of my list.
Please share what you would put on your list? I had a wise person tell me one time, maybe you can’t fix yourself now, but your goal is to make yourself feel a little bit better. And little bit by little bit… and a little bit more…
Taralav, remember I suggested contacting Donna or Joyce to see if they can get you free help? Well I’ve just seen Joyce’s posting and she is offering to give you some avenues to explore to achieve this.
This is a fabulous opportunity for you to now get that help. Please take it and it will be a positive step in the right direction.
Yes Bally- and thank you for looking out for me. I really could use all the help I can get, I am at my lowest point and I need to get out of this hole. Thanks to you all on here also I can at least know you understand what im going thru
Taralev
I know exactly what you are going trough. The first thing you should do is hire a male criminal defense attorney to get you out of this restraining order. Don’t tell him your plans. He will be served with a notice of hearing . You have to get some legal help on your side here. Stay no contact. And then take it day by day . I put everything in Gods hands. Whatever happens is out of your control.
Don’t worry about if he told her he loves her. That’s his business. You must take care of yourself at this moment. Looking back I functioned like a robot. I made myself go to work. And you know what after awhile it became easier. You adjust and things will improve .
I did not like my son seeing me cry over this guy(his father) every day so I kept my crying to night hours. And then I allowed myself only a few minutes to grief. That’s it. You will see when you take back control how satisfying it will be.
Yes, I admit that I enjoy his begging for contact now. How everything changed from last year when I was begging him to come home , back to his family. He will never get a response out of me or my son. He can try and try. He can whine and beg. We don’t care. He does not have a heart so he must deal with that now. Maybe the little mistress can comfort him with some exciting sex. Ha . In the end I was the winner because I escaped and I am still here on this earth. Just in a much better place now.
Well done Taralav, you taken the step to ask Joyce for help. Just in case she doesn’t see your post to her, drop her an email at
jm_short@ymail.com
Let me know how you get on!
Colorado kathy
As I said I was the recipient or respondent of an TRO. In my state of Florida it stated he is allowed to contact me. If I respond I am in violation if the order and that includes responding or contacting him through a third person. I have a lot of faith in the court system but when it comes to restraining orders they follow a strict rule. It might be different on other states. The best advise I would give is get a criminal defense attorney and do everything to get this order dismissed in court. Otherwise your hands are totally tied and he is totally in control.
Believe me Taralev. I was there. And by him being a cop it was extra bad. Fortunately the judge saw his crazy lies. But don’t violate the order. If you do it equals big trouble. And that’s what my lawyer told me. And so far this lawyer was right all along. 🙂
Where is the “Horrified!” icon?!
OK now that I’ve gotten over my shock that a court allows unilateral communications! 🙂
taralav, I think there’s every reason for you to avoid him and every urge not to! as I understand the need “to try to make it right.”
At some point, I think you should issue one final email: As you know, it’s a violation of the order for me to contact you, and I don’t want to disrespect the court’s authority. As you also know, I am very confused and hurt about what happened, and miss the kids and your family a lot. Please don’t contact me again, since when I hear from you it seems to invite a response that I’m not legally allowed to make.
If you want to have the order dismissed after a certain period of time, so we can discuss this like reasonable adults, please see that occurs and give me notice.
—-or something along those lines. 🙂
In other words, I’d create a paper trail plainly setting forth an acknowledgement that my hands were tied by a court order that he himself secured.
He used his control to restrict you, so as hard as this is, accept that fact and make him eat it. A year from now, you’ll be posting the same advice to other lovely women such as yourself, who feel replaced by a 25yo bimbo and mocked at the jerk’s workplace. I doubt his family members are unaware of what happened btw, they just are stuck with him the way he is and don’t know what to do about him either.
Seriously, sweetheart: you are still so young! I know it doesn’t feel like it today, but you are. (virtual hugs) You’ve learned something terrible about mankind (some of them are stinking to high heaven) and maybe that’s for a reason that we just don’t understand today. TRUST that it is the right lesson for your soul’s contribution to Humanity! and that the right relationship, mission, or inspiration will come along to replace the artifice of this one selfish, unfaithful person.
This is an option, but I respectfully disagree. My experience with my ex P was that anything I said was used by the P against me and as part of his game and generated responses from him. Trying to communicate with a P opens up a lot of vulnerabilities, and provides an avenue for him to do more harm. And it’s one more thing to think about: has he read it? what does he think of it? is he going to respond? what will he say?
I think a final email makes sense with normal people, not P’s. Given the TRO in place, breaking the law could have negative consequences. NC worked best for me.
Taralav, whatever you decide to do, I know you’re doing your best to take care of yourself and protect yourself.
AnnettePK
I totally agree with you!
I’m furious this morning (oz time zone) I went to get my ipad and noticed immediately that one of my diaries was missing from the shelf. This diary has nothing in it that relates to my marriage other than the exact date my suspicions were elevated to the level of investigation. The diary only really has client information for my online business so all those customer details are gone… I knew that it was missing because he didn’t bother to cover his tracks and made a mess if the things in front of it and left the space. This morning I had to smile and act as though nothing was wrong – through gritted teeth!
I thank God I know better than to attempt any type of discussion about it but I’m truly grateful for, password protected, online diaries…
And thank God I have this blog to constantly remind me to stick to my plan ♥
P.s. I really need to read over my comments before I post them….lol I was so cranky I had to edit half of it after I’d posted it 😉
Taralav,
I agree with your advice AnnettePK… for an extra reason.
You can bet Taralav’s bad man has done this before. And that he has legal advice and strategy to further abuse Taralav.
My husband did similar to prove to others that I was a crazy unstable wife. I got smeared as an abusive wife and the day came when I was almost murdered (still weird to type it because it was SO bizarre). Because he set me up,He would have gotten away with it. My ex even had the local sheriff’s deputy as his ally “to watch out for and catch me trying to abuse him”. I BARELY got away. I now see how sociopaths can murder with the permission of the law.
DO NOT have contact with your bad man ever again. He’s shown his colors. Do NOT give him the opportunity to set you up and do as advised and get the order lifted, as that order HELPS him to set up a defense of “accidentally” harming you.
Forward all messages to your attorney. Keep copies for your personal records. SAY nothing to him. No warnings about how you are going to protect yourself (which he would use to overcome your protections). Block his calls.
Take care. And I mean, take steps to take care and protect yourself. My husband was a jerk, but after it was “over”, he got very very deadly.
Remember Sociopaths have NO conscience, which means dead or alive is the same thing to them. I USED to think my ex was just a massive cold calloused jerk. I LEARNED he was MORE evil than that.
Well of course I agree with you guys, that optimally there would be no more contact, period! however, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that.
It would be nice for her to be able to offer an exhibit showing she was being approached instead of doing the approaching, and also that she was TRYING to be respectful of her duties under the order but being lured into a violation by his own actions. I also think it is nice to be able to have a REASON to go No Contact that they won’t be so nasty about (as you pointed out, they can be very dangerous) and what could be more plausible than pointing out it was at his own request that contacts cease? it’s a blessing that’s hardly in disguise at all, that HE has an order requiring that SHE save herself, right?
I’d echo your last paragraph but also add: he TAUGHT me he was evil, I didn’t just learn it on my own. It was the LAST thing I ever wanted to know.
Notwahathesaidofme
Your life has been a warning to me and I couldn’t be more grateful for your sharing these painful experiences. When my diary went missing this morning, or discovered this morning, I immediately smelt a rat!
I’ll be very careful with my spath as I’m not entirely convinced he hasn’t killed someone – this is the only box I couldn’t tick on the list of traits but it’s not something I’d discount…. I do feel quite safe while he doesn’t know what I know and thinks I’m too stupid but I’ll be prepared now that I’ve read all these stories x
Ah I see your point ColoradoKathy.
But if he was anything like my ex, a reply where Taralav indicates or admits she is aware she is breaking the law would be his Perfect evidence used to arrest her.
She’s already got the evidence that she was approached by him. She doesn’t need further contact for that. That’s why I think it’s a setup. VERY scary.
The time just after a target leaves an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time statistically, when more acts are done by the abusers that harm the victims.
Very important to be careful at this time especially.
AnnettePK
Thanks for the warning. I didn’t know those statistics.
I’m sure my spath is gearing up for his criminal charges and is removing anything that would assist in a prosecution. He didn’t see the real diary that would have me buried in the national park even though it wasn’t that far from the one he destroyed. It has now been moved!
Ironic,
Are you safe living in physical proximity to him? Are you safe coming to this website?
This is an excellent risk assessment tailored for domestic situations. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/?page=register&acc=ind&tempID=1
There’s good info just going through the questionnaire. The Gift of Fear by deBecker is a book that helps one think of all the possibilities and ways to stay safe. One can read exerts from it on Amazon.com.
AnnettePK
Another reason why it is MOST dangerous after the target victim leaves or is the “supposed end” of the relationship is that WE are in the NUMB mode, like Taralav is and when in the NUMB mode, we aren’t thinking straight about protecting ourselves. We don’t see them yet for who they really are, even though the mask is off.
I remember thinking my ex is a narcissist, and knowing that didn’t completely describe him but I didn’t want to think he was a SOCIOPATH. I thought, ‘surely he can’t be!’, and I trusted that last meeting he scheduled with me, the one where I barely escaped with my life, so absurdly, I escaped death because of a FREAK accident of good luck. That day, my now ex PROVED he was a sociopath.
Now I know, once a jerk shows he has NO conscience, like Taralav’s partner did, then I’ll assume he’s spath because the other assumption is too dangerous, Taralav is too vulnerable.
ps I’ve broken up with a guy, someone who was besotted by me. I did NOT blame him or call him or contact him. I knew those acts would hurt him more. Since I didn’t want him, it was best to let him find his way to get over me. I did NOT prolong his pain or rub his nose in it. Of course, I also didn’t dump him for someone else. I broke up because we weren’t a match.
There is something seriously wrong with Taralav’s partner and I am SURE he is setting her up, punishing her for not supporting his cheating.
AnnettePK
Thanks again! I did the mosaic assessment and there’s a high percentage warning of violence so I’ll keep that in mind, actually just the memories that surfaced during the questions was enough for me to assess the situation myself… I’ll make my final decision based on what the police find with there investigation. I have several options but won’t move on anything yet as I’m days away from their decision and they might remand him in custody if thry find enough?… meanwhile he thinks I’m stupid and know nothing so I feel quite safe while he thinks that.
Ironic,
Glad the Mosiac questionnaire was useful. Do you have an emergency safety plan, where you have the documents, clothing, etc. and a place to go if you need to flee and go into hiding? It seems like it could be a big risk if he knows where you are and if he is in proximity to you and has physical access. That he snoops and spies on you to see what you are planning indicates he is probably planning something against you. Spaths project in their thinking that way.
Are you familiar with greyrock? http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
This is only useful for safety if all the spath can get from his victim and all he wants from the victim is emotional feed. In your case, when his status, finances, and legal consequences are at stake for the spath, then, absent a conscious, he has motivation to harm you no matter what.
I’m sure you’ve already thought of everything about your situation, but can you take an extended trip to visit friends or family somewhere and let him think you are somewhere else?
Ironic,
PS. I realize that you letting him think you are “stupid and know nothing” is a version of the grey rock technique. You are already doing it. Still, be careful.. He may also be pretending he doesn’t know that you know anything…
AnnettePK
You are so kind and SO knowledgeable! While I think I’ve thought of everything I’m still open to suggestions so I’ll check that link out as well – thank you!
I’m a quantum physics and law of attraction nut. Half of my confusion was whether I was just seeing what I believed I’d see and not the truth?… in the end my knowledge freed me emotionally when I realised that I could never have seen this coming because I’m not a sociopath (you only see in others etc…) discovering that my husband has sociopathic tendencies was pure instinct, something I wasn’t listening to. Now I believe in my instincts without question.
That being said, this blog has given me such clarity and you all have helped me feel normal again – for this I am truly grateful but, I’ve studied the science of the law of attraction right down to the biology of our cells, DNA and gene communication and the latest research in epigenetics so…if I run, if I buy into the possibility that he’ll harm me or I start to doubt my instincts again then I’m in trouble and I’m attracting something I don’t want. At the moment he doesn’t scare me as I believe he thinks I’m the stupid one and he also thinks I’m backing him 100% he has no idea that I’d set him up in any way to assist in a police investigation – I now know this man better than he knows himself!
I’m taking on board every advisement I’m receiving from this blog but I’ll know when AND IF its time to run and I work very well under pressure – thanks for the tips and thanks for your concern and I’ll keep you posted on the outcome ♥
Sorry it was suppose to be 🙁
I haven’t been keeping up closely with the conversation the last two days because I’ve been mired in my convoluted shall I take the job assessment, but I have to say this – the outpouring of nurturing, caring, support and encouragement amongst this group is wonderful! You are all awesome!