UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
Someone put it in the correct words “being punished for not supporting his cheating”. I felt the same way. That is why I was always treated as I was the guilty one. But once exposed it all changes. I remember when I printed hr nasty pictures out and showed them to him. He said “I don’t know this woman “. Yeah right. She was on the sand shift with him. Then he turned everything around and I ended up apologizing for questioning him. Wow I don’t miss these crazy times. Taralev, you will be ok. You are still on the crazy making stage. I felt like I was totally brainwashed. Oh could I ever believe these out of the world lies ? It still baffles me to this day.
I am staying safe also. I live in a gated community with 24 hour security. I just don’t trust him. The fact he must pay alimony for the rest of my life would be enough reason for him to “get rid of me”.
I don’t want to live in constant fear but he is a cop. They would believe him. Because they all cover for each other. What a shame that I once loved that man. A monster who wAnted be dead or locked away.
Taralev, I am praying you will remain no contact this weekend. I really liked theist of things to do you created. Good job
Taralav, I agree with Annette, do not send any more communications to the Psychopath. You have already violated your order, do not add to this further. There is no point engaging with a Psychopath, you cannot reason with them and you will only bring yourself more harm. Get that counselling and sort out the order urgently as the Kaya and Joyce have advised you to do.
Very rough day. Please pray im feeling so much pain and helpless. I will not go another day of his back and forth. I have to understand what he is hes ruining my life and my well being
I’m so sorry, Taralav. I know everything has changed in your world recently and you are feeling so off kilter and sad. Weekends are especially hard. Maybe it would help to go out of the house, like to a movie. Put on some sweatpants, pull your hair up in a ponytail and go to a theatre where no one knows you. Eat a big thing of popcorn and watch a funny movie. I know you don’t want to, nor do you feel like it, but it might help to distract you a bit.
For me, any distraction is good. And I NEVER want to do it but once I do, I feel better.
You are doing well, even if you feel like hell. Just coming here for support shows you are trying. My heart really aches for you. It just stinks! I’ll keep praying for peace and strength for you. Remember, this is not about you, he has the problem. He would have done this to anyone,mits not about you.
Stay strong. Hugs….lots of hugs!
Prayer said.
Thank you hoping to heal. I just need to finally rap my head around what he is. I woke up to a message and just back and forth. I wish I could make him understand he is disorded and to see how much he has hurt people. Not just me. Weekend is very hard yes. Because he is with her.
Dearest Taralav,
The first appointment I had with my GOOD therapist (there are LOTS of bad ones), I told her that I thought I was crazy. She laughed and said if you are questioning about that, then no, you are not crazy. Only people with a conscience can understand the evil in a sociopath.
People who have a disorder do not see it. Nothing you say will ever change their minds. They are blind to it. Esp Sociopaths, because without a conscience, they literally do not have the cognitive ability to perceive such a condition as “disorder” or “sociopathy”. He will never care that he is a sociopath or not.
Stop trying to get through to someone who will NEVER hear you.
Take care of YOU.
Do something kind and nurturing for YOU.
Take a moment NOW and wrap your arms around YOU and squeeze tight. Hug Yourself until your arms fall asleep. Then do something else self caring of YOU.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, my therapist told me the same thing! Just this week I thought I was going crazy and I said to myself, nope, if I WAS, I wouldn’t be thinking I was!
Taralav, you have made it almost halfway through the weekend! Remember, she might be with him (or she might not), but if she is, SHE is with a disordered person…and pain and chaos is coming to her life if it’s not already there. You are on your way to freedom…stop reading his messages…it only twists your heart and brain and brings you pain. I know you spend a lot of time analyzing them, reading between the lines of them, etc. and it is futile…no matter what they say, they have no meaning whatsoever. He’s just screwing with you.
Yes..I know it is almost over. I have the worst times on weekends
Taralav
What have you done to make yourself feel better today?
Please reply.
You have a whole team of people who care and want to know the answer.
Hi friends-notwhat I did get out for a.bit and went with friends to a cookout at a park. I had fun for a bit but still always thinking. I dread when I leave my friends because I come home and get im bed. And stay there the rest of the night. I should be out of this stage and pain.
First I am glad that you got out and put positive energy into you. Each bit of positive goodness or kindness towards you is a blessing.
Secondly Please cut yourself a HUGE slab of slack. You will be out of this stage and pain when you are done processing. Sorry to tell you, it’s not a linear healing. You will go back and forth, but the backsliding …(sorry, my childhood religion is trying to make a funny)… when you backslide, you will find you recover faster each time until you don’t go there anymore.
You aren’t doing anything that any of us aren’t in heartfelt complete understanding. We been there. I was ALONE so you are far far ahead of me.
The main thing is when you have contact with him, he is making your wound bleed like a stuck pig. …(okay my farmer side is coming out too. next I’ll be clinging to Guns and God.)…. He is wounding you and YOU are wounding your sense of betrayal, again and again. We want you to stop the shooting into your bloody wound. Give it a chance to scab over. Believe me, you’ll pick at that scab plenty, but by contacting him or letting him contact you, it’s like taking an ax to your wound.
You don’t need to hurt more. You already got the message. He is at the very least a cold hearted, manipulative cheat. Worse, he has NO conscience about it. And WORSE YET, he sounds like he is getting ready to have your arrested for breaking that order. He’s got the power to do it. PLEASE care enough for being your son’s mom to not let him have the power to put you in jail. Have that much self preservation, if not for yourself, at least for your son. (In case you think I am not cutting you enough slack, I have kids and I know I would not do for myself, but I sure would do ANYTHING for the best interest of my kids. Not giving a cheat and conman the ammunition to have you arrested is definitely in your son’s best interest. That it’s also in your best interest is just how blessings flow.)
Am going to bed now. I hope you see this and know that I want to hear what you did to make yourself feel better on Sunday.
Night.
Aw, I’m so sorry taralav, hang in there.
Taralev
Everyone is giving you great advise. Take care of you and only you. Don’t worry about him. If that takes staying in bed and crying then do it. I did the same. I cried and cried until my teenage son took my phone away and said “stop listening to this a….,,”. He called him and said “stop calling our house and leave my mom alone “. Don’t violate the restraining order. Please think about yourself. He left you and nothing you say or do will make him come back and love you. It might sound harsh. But until I got this into my head I was not in control. You must be in control to gain “victory” over him. And that means no contact.
I am good now. I was devastated like you. I even called him and said “I will get some money so you can buy that motorcycle you want so badly”. Can you believe this. He cheated and lied and I begged him to come home. Do you see how pathetic this sounds ? But to me it sounded normal. That was last year.
When I filed for divorce I said to myself. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, NO MORE OF THIS CRAZY MAKING.
I hope you will realize the same soon.
I’m chiming in too: please try to resist the temptation to communicate.
I’d have been screwed if my best friend hadn’t kept me from continuing to fool myself. The ONLY reason my ex stuck around is that his secondary victim didn’t work out as he’d planned (she already had an abusive man of her own, why would she want mine? — something he should have thought about BEFORE calling me a dumb cow).
Taralav, when I first found out about the lying, conning, deceit and women I went no contact. I didn’t know about psychopathy then. But he baited me and after a few months of ignoring him I took the bait. I went back – for more. After two years I found out he was still doing it. Once I had evidence I realised he would never change. I immediately went no contact and and this second time of no contact was easy because he was bored of me and I was just an obstacle between him and his new victim. I was bored too. I was no longer the primary victim, she was. I’d lost my princess status like you so there was no hope left. You cannot get it back with a psychopath. He baited me after that then left it. A year later after no contact he started to send texts again for 9 months. By then I had stumbled on psychopathy information and read and read. It was when I realised he was a text book case. So his 9 months of baiting me did no good. I wasn’t tempted to reply as I didn’t want a psychopath in my life. All I felt was terror when he sent texts. A was able to read them differently now I knew about psychopathy. They were full of double meanings – ambiguously written with underlaying pure evil. He tried every tactic to get me to respond from his love, manipulation, to trying to shame me. I just quivered.
I’m healed. Because I educated myself on psychopathy I didn’t want to have any contact with a psychopath. I’d wasted too many years on a game player.
I hope you don’t mind me asking, if you know he is a psychopath, and believe me he has all the behaviours, what are the reasons you still want contact with such a dangerous thing? I’m asking because I’m learning on this website. I’m trying to work out if knowledge of psychopathy cures victims or if the victim has to be sh*tted over a million times from a great height before they think “no more”.
Bally-thank you for writing. I think for me I keep going back to my denial. This man who I loved, who I thought waa my best friend. .I think I am not convinced if he is a sociopath. I know the signs are there..but I keep asking myself. .is it me?
Is this just a man who broke up with someone and im reading too much into it? A friend led me to this site because she was With me from the moment he left. She believes he is disordered. I think I struggle with the reality of it.
I was 30 years old when I met him. I could have had a life , been a wife..I am old now. I think I stay.in in . contact with him because in my head at least im in the picture. At least im still here
as soon as I go.NC he will be in love with her and its so painful. I probably sound crazy to you guys but I never was. He did this to me
taralav,
just an extra note to you. I questioned whether my ex was a sociopath/psychopath too. I didn’t think so until the day I was almost murdered. WEIRD to write the word. But by the Grace of GOD, I had amazing good luck that saved my life. Believe me, I was trapped and I knew what my end was going to be.
You don’t have to question whether he is capable of murder. The definition also states, there is NO remorse. That fits your dude. The ridicule, the duping? That also fits your dude. He’s a conman. He took known facts and changed them so he could gain AT OTHER PEOPLE’s EXPENSE.
Lemme help ya. When he speaks, he’s really saying, “QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!”
Tara, I was 49 when I met mine. I was 56 when he discarded me. I am now 59. What you say really angers me, because it slaps all of us in the face who are older and face challenges and losses you can’t even f’en imagine.
You have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you if you listen to all the wonderful advice here. You are so young!
You say you stay in contact with him because in your head you are at least in the picture. You’re not convinced he’s a sociopath. Even if he ISN’T, you’re clinging to someone who treated you, and continues to treat you like complete crap and has made you utterly despondent and unable to function. You hanging on to him does not prevent him from being “in love” with her or anyone else…and each day you get a day older anyhow.
Bally
I’ve come to believe that we all have to be shit on time and time again for years and years before we get it through our heads that it’s not ever going to work nor is the pain and emotional upheaval worth it…
Amen, ironic.
I really aam trying. .I found this link it really describes what I have been thru please read it –http://www.waking-you-up.com/the-psychopaths-relationship-circle-manipulative-psychopaths-psychopaths-in-love-Sex-addicts.html
taralav… good article.
the repeat themselves, relationships always built on sand.
Notwhat-thank you for writing your posts crack me up but you are so right and smart with everything you say. I am going to try to sleep is 3am where I am. I am trying to find articles and read what I can