UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralav and ironic, thanks for giving me your thoughts!
And yes! You are both right in my view! Even when I was healed and started reading about psychopathy, it took nearly one year before I realised and was able to admit to myself he was one! Even though I didn’t give a sh*t about him, I didn’t want to believe he never loved me, I was never as special as I was led to believe, and that he only wanted something off me which I realised was nookie and to get his mitts on my home! I didn’t want to believe the dirty little toe-rag had duped me and more so I don’t want to believe it was just a selfish game. With me as the plaything. So I guess it is about our self-worth. All of a sudden it is questioned and it is too hard to take to realise we were going around with our heads in the air feeling special and they were thinking “dumb b*tch”!!! I was sh*tted all over as ironic says before I got to “no more”. But then even when healed I didn’t want to think it was all a lie, a game.
So it is about self worth and how we want to feel about ourselves. It’s our esteem. So they set us up to pin our self worth and esteem on them. When they sh*t on us we go into denial. We need them to feed our self worth as we believe “only they” can make us feel good about ourselves. After many times of them doing their dirty deeds on us we then realise it brings more pain than pleasure and our esteem is at an all time low. So we can go no contact and build our own esteem and this includes realising they are the problem and admit they are a psychopath – and they never loved us because psychopaths cannot love. But that is ok, it was about their disorder. It wasn’t about us, real human beings.
Interestingly, I learned recently in my profession that if we study why we react negatively or with anger to things people say or do to us it is because it boils down to our feeling of “I’m not good enough”.
So Taralav, he manipulated you to pin your self worth on him. When he dumped you and found someone else what this boils down to for you is “I’m not good enough”. As a strategy for your healing, keep reading about psychopathy and get that counselling to help you realise you are good enough. Build your own self worth so that you don’t pin it on him or anyone else again.
And you are not old. I’m in my late 40’s so there are always older folk than you and always will be! Even us older folk were conned by a psychopath, they even have conned the experts! And you are younger now today than you will ever be again so get on with your healing so that you can create a new future!
And he is a psychopath – admit this to yourself!
Hugs
Bally
You are absolutely correct! It was all about my thinking I wasn’t good enough – sad but true…
I’m a strange one when it comes to time. Although my friends are compassionate now they know what I was married to, they don’t understand how grateful I am to have stayed for 14 years. If I’d left one moment earlier than obtaining the knowledge I’d received this past Christmas, I’d be a shadow of who I am now. Prior to having all my instincts realised I was frozen in the relationship, unable to move forward because of my fear of attracting someone worse because I couldn’t reconcile it in my head – 3 of the same basic characteristics that progressively got worse, with each new relationship, was scary as I assumed the next would be horrific if I didn’t discover what it was that I was attracting. Now I know, now I have bullet proof self worth, now I trust my instincts more than ever in my 50 years of life but finally, now I’m not scared to move forward…
I too search for answers and reasons. It helps me move on. It is about knowing it wasn’t your issue, it was theirs. Otherwise we are left thinking we were to blame and this boils down to “I’m not good enough!”
If we have done something wrong we can learn from it and grow. But where a psychopath is involved they blame us for their behaviour and actions. Not that they think there is anything wrong with what they do as it is self serving – but blaming is used to torture victims.
The only thing we do wrong where a psychopath is involved is to keep engaging with them!
Well done with your own decisions!
Taralev
You are not old. Think about me . I am 48 and I was discarded when I was 47. I think it is a really bad idea staying in contact with him. I don’t know why you would want to be his doormat ? He already has another woman. Why do you want to be in his life ?
Kaya-i know you are right. I don’t. .I really could never take him back if he wanted. I couldn’t live my life checking everything he does. I just am so blown..so much in denial. You all have overcome worse situations then I. I just am hurt so so deeply that I really was nothing. Nothing to him
he discarded me and did not care how it would affect me or my son..left behind all his things and is happily with her. It doesn’t seem fair. I found a email from him two weeks before he trashed me. Saying to bookmark on the ipad some ring settings I liked because we were making a ring. It just all.seems unreal. I have to know if he is a true sociopath. Or if hes just a jerk.
It is not fair. You were betrayed. Your feelings are normal. It’s good for you to spend your energy dealing with your feelings and managing your pain, but you don’t have to spend energy blaming yourself or trying to answer the questions what he is or why he does what he does.
Sadly, and it’s very frustrating I know, we can’t ever really know what is inside a person, so even if the experts determe whether someone is a sociopath or not is an educated guess.
The Bible says that only God knows the heart of a person and is qualified to ultimately judge. Some useful advice is to discern people by their fruits (Matthew 7:16-20). According to this advice, we discern others by the results of their actions, that is the fruits of their lives. Do his choices enhance your well being? Does he make others happy? Does he tell the truth? Does he keep his promises? Does he have a stable career? Does he care for his physical possessions, does he take good care of his car, does he maintain his home? Or does he harm others and trash things? Matt 7:16-17 tells us that a good tree bears good fruit and a bad tree bears bad fruit; and that a bad tree can not bear good fruit. So the Biblical conclusion is that if he’s not good for you, he’s not a good person. From your description of his behaviors, it sounds like he’s a sociopath, but ‘jerk’ is just another name used for many of the same behaviors. A book that helped me is Ditch That Jerk, which has guidelines in helping one discern whether a guy is likely to change or not. Look for things like remorse for his actions, ability to learn from his mistakes, doing the hard work to overcome his addictions and faults like attending rehabilitation programs for abusers and/or 12 step groups for sex addicts, whatever he needs. My experience is that if a man habitually lies and cheats as a pattern of behavior rather than one lie that he corrects quickly or a sexual indiscretion that he turns away from immediately, he is not likely to change because he is doing exactly what he wants to get results that he actually wants. Consider if your ex spath could have had a loving committed relationship, if he could have enjoyed making you happy, if he could have been trustworthy and enjoyed the personal satisfaction a man feels by being the provider and protector of women and children in a committed relationship. If he could have had these things and he did not choose them, then he doesn’t want them nor does he want to be a good man.
Right now, he is unavailable to you and you wouldn’t want him back anyway. Of course you’d want the person he said he was back, but sadly that is not possible because it was a lie. (Matt 7:15 describes people coming to us as wolves – what they really are – in sheep’s clothing – what they pretend to be.) You loved who he said he was, because you’re capable of love and bonding with people. He faked it to exploit you. As much as you are able, try to avoid the unanswerable question as to why he does what he does. Be glad you can’t understand it. If we could understand the spaths, we’d understand why Satan (satan means ‘adversary’) opposes and fights against God, wants to be God, pathologically lies, and enjoys inciting wars, murder, betrayal, adultery, disease, and all kinds of pain and suffering, for fun so he can feel powerful and important.
Very sadly, it is really heart breaking, is that it’s possible he more or less used you to take care of his children because he didn’t like doing the work that it takes to raise his little children. You say you raised them, now they are a bit older and not as much ‘trouble’ as very little children, he is moving on. What an absolute jerk, there aren’t words bad enough for someone who would do that to a beautiful lady like you. He despises good things, that things that are most important in life.
I heard something on the radio the other day that I liked and spoke to me, maybe it will help someone.
Last week on the 20th anniversary of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, Ron’s father Fred Goldman was being interviewed. I was working in L.A. at the time of the murders and trial and I had followed this case closely since I was stuck in traffic all the time and had nothing to do but listen to talk radio.
Mr. Simpson was giving an update on his and his wife’s lives, and he said this – they had never been able to forgive, since it felt like that was saying what had happened was ok. Instead, he said that his wife put it this way – that she forgives herself for being unable to forgive, and she is fine with that.
I like it.
Thanks for sharing this. The killer never asked for forgiveness from Nicole’s family as far as I know.
Forgiveness is defined differently by different people., One good definition is that the injured party forgives by relinquishing his/her right to retribution or punishment.
I don’t think it’s possible to forgive someone who doesn’t feel remorse and doesn’t ask for forgiveness. If someone is genuinely sorry, sincerely wants to change, offers to make up for the wrong done as much as possible, and asks me for forgiveness, it may be difficult for me but I try to forgive.
If the wrongdoer continues to feel justified, not remorseful, there’s nothing to forgive. All one can do is let go of as much anger and hurt as possible, and to unilaterally give up the desire to punish and get retribution from the wrongdoer. I try to accomplish that for myself by claiming God’s promise to ultimately take care of doing justice “Revenge is Mine, I will repay.” I trust that He will punish the wrongdoer appropriately, although it may not be soon.
You have to forgive the sin. If you don’t, it rots you out from the inside. Unforgiveness is a prison we build that holds only US. The sinner is totally unaffected. It’s a hate we give ourselves.
Christ knew this. It’s for our own good that we do the work of forgiveness. It’s not about the sinner…or the sin.
The sin is still WICKED. The sinner is not our responsibility.
We are responsible for our reactions though.
Always.
Taralev
Good that you know what you are dealing with. The day I was discarded we spent fishing in the ocean, being on the beach. 2 weeks before that he refinanced the house so we can retire earlier. He reduced the years left and said “this way we won’t have a mortgage when we are like 60”. We were looking at some art we wanted to buy for the house. And then, in one minute it all changed. I know he had planned his exit strategically so he wasn’t to blame. He acted suspicious again and again I discovered lies and lies. That was day he tried to send me to a mental institution because I was crying. Yes, I was emotional. Was I insane ? Absolutely not. He called some of his cop friends and tried to have me committed. Can you believe this ? I was his wife for over 20 years, the mother if his only child. Instead of coming out with the truth, he connived and manipulated. Back then I thought this is the end, just like you.
But then I took control back. Because this is my life and nobody portrays me as a mentally ill person when I am not. And if I was he was suppose to help and protect not judge and punish.
I let go of him, slowly one day at a time. Today is Father’s Day. He has one child, a son I thought he loved more than himself. Not so, the son was his possession. Did he not realize that tearing a marriage apart means tearing a family apart. But no, he thought about himself, his sick sexual pleasures and his new “supply” to feed his ego to be god like.
I hope this fathers day he will sit down and realize the damage he caused. I know he is not capable of that. So my son and I are well on our way for a better life. A life without a liar. Who needs evil in their life anyhow? Think about your son. What example do you set for him if you let someone treat you like garbage ? He will think it is ok and repeat it later with his wife. My ex’s father was exactly the same , a cheater and a liar, leaving his family for a young whore after 24 years. She also was a co worker of him. He now is on his 4th marriage.
I hope your son is ok being Fathers Day. All of you are so strong and have been thru so much worse then me. I am just trying to hold on..there are some days truthfully I have felt like it would be easier to just off myself. because I feel so frozen and paralyazed almost ..like i dont know how to start piecing everything back together. One thing I dont understand..that I have noticed with my ex..he has 2 children. One with a ex wife who left him, and the other with a fling. He worships the child he had with the ex wife. He treats the other child, who is 6 like crap.
He always has seemed to me like he was obsessed with his ex wife , i never was a jealous type but he always would be checking on her making sure she was ok or her kids needed anything ( she has other children from other relationship). The ex wife cant stand him..but that child is the only one he treats good..
I guess im wondering..from most of the things I have read..sociopaths care about no one..even their children. But he IS a good father to this one son. I wonder why?
the only reason spaths every care about anything.
it benefits him some how.
its all about HIM, not the child. it could be a pet ROCK for all he CARES about him/it/them.
probably he’s obsessed about the ex as she hates him. spaths hate it when theyre not obsessed over.
the child is a good excuse to stay in the ex’s life. an IN.
or the child is HERS, so its a little like being with HER when he’s with the child. or buying stuff for HER or doing stuff for HER, when it’s the kid rly. All becuz he wants her attention and love to once again try to destroy her.
dont think he would ever LOVE her nor ever did. it’s all about HIM. always.
and his sickness thinks he needs HER.
thank god you arent her. seriously. he’s done with you. if you grey rocked him, you’d never hear from his sick, sadistic, narcissistic ass again.
taralav…it’s because she left him. Men don’t deal with rejection well. From what I have observed, if they are left or cheated on, they will somehow always hold something in their heart for that woman…even if she cheated. It’s like the one that got away and having that child with her was a bond, a connection to her. That’s what I think. I have seen it before.
Taralav, I understand you need to know what he is. Lots of folk say it doesn’t matter but for me it helps my healing when I know what I’m dealing with. Because then you know it wasn’t about what you did wrong. It was them and their disorder. Until you accept what he is you will keep blaming yourself and keep thinking “I’m not good enough”. Remember I advised you to read Claudia Moscovici’s Psychopathy Awareness blog? She is a writer and describes the psycho’s in sort of stories for each of their behaviours. Reading that helped the penny drop for me. Donna has a link to it in this website but you can google it also to find it. You will then reflect on what she writes and have “ah-ha” moments. However from what you told us he is a text-book case.
The first time I found out it nearly killed me so I understand the pain. What makes it different and more horrific from normal dumping is the shock of it all, the lies and deceit and other women, when he led you to believe you were his princess. You were duped. He didn’t love you because he cannot love. You were conned. You were deceived. Your trust was abused. And he studied you carefully when with you so he knew how to torture you as he is doing now. He knew your vulnerabilities more than you did yourself. So he is pressing the buttons now and you are reacting. What I found empowering was not to react to the buttons, because I learned he was a psychopath. It would have left him bewildered and frustrated that he couldn’t get a response. But what he didn’t know is that I knew he was a psychopath. He wouldn’t have known that himself (and wouldn’t have cared) but then I knew him better than he knew himself, as his behaviours were predictable and to be expected of that of a psychopath. Thanks to my reading.
If you think about it, why would you think you are not good enough for the psychopath? Now that would be crazy!
Now is the time to stop. Read the info and admit to yourself he is one and it was all just a bad mistake. Get yourself back on track with counselling. Don’t waste your youth.
I did look up the site and read. I do feel crazy..i feel worthless and just so so low. I have never felt this bad in my life. One thing I also wanted to say, He has 2 siblings and i was close to them, sisters, They also have turned against me and think im crazy. When I tried to talk to one of the sisters she said there are two sides to every story so lets be honest shall we.
I was very offended by that..he protrayed me to be the looney one and even his family thinks so. They dont know the truth and even when i tried to tell them..they didnt care.
They blamed me for “stalking” him. What really happened is for about a 3 month time..every month when bills and rent were due..he would cause a fight. He would take off. In the fist years of our relationship I never involved his family..we were all close. But eventually..yes I went to his mother. He would go hide out at her house..just take off. and i would drive over and go to the door. Maybe that is crazy…maybe I shouldnnt have done that..but i was at my wits end!
The family are probably crazy – maybe some of them are spaths, some are manipulated victims, and/or some don’t know what normal is. Cheating is cheating, lying is lying, and hurting you is wrong. If they are excusing it, blaming you, whatever, it’s very sad but it’s best to stop interacting with them.
In this day and age, there is a lot of blurring of right/wrong, good/evil, moral/immoral. The attitude prevails that everyone means well, whatever anyone does is ok as long as it works for everyone, etc. etc. There are two sides to every story, everything is someone else’s fault or no one’s fault. No one is to blame – it’s because of one’s upbringing, past experiences, etc. We are being conditioned to accept any kind of behavior without discerning it. No personal responsibility, and the real power that goes with it for a man.
The media pushes a lot of selfish and outrageous behaviors like lying and cheating, without assigning a label of right or wrong. We are taught not to judge others to the point where we accept anything.
It’s not popular to recognize that some choices are just plain wrong. Think of the values in old fashioned TV like the classic example of Leave It to Beaver or The Andy Griffith Show. In generations past, a man who committed adultery was viewed as wrong. Lying was viewed as wrong. Children were taught that way, people valued commitment.
When my ex P first did things that upset me, I wish I would not have given him the benefit of a doubt or questioned myself as I did when the red flags started flying. Maybe I would have recognized he was a bad man, if I would have been comfortable labelling anyone bad.
Old fashioned wisdom I read somewhere: If a man makes a woman cry once he’s a bad man. Or three repetitions of a bad behavior is three strikes out. For example, one lie could be a mistake, the second could be a misunderstanding, the third is a pattern of behavior and time to get out. Also, though it didn’t protect me, waiting to give of oneself sexually, which is a very valuable and precious gift, until a really really serious commitment might weed out some of the spaths.
I cant even imagine what you have gone thru, you are such a sweet and loving person I can tell from your posts. Yes- I agree..cheating is cheating no matter how you look at it! His family just says ” its crazy you would drive over to our mothers house to find him”. My response..he is a grown man! I should not have had to go looking..he should not have run off.
I listened to a sample of the recording you suggested, i may have to purchase it maybe it will help.
How crazy is blaming you for driving around looking for him when he set you up by not being where he said he would be?
How crazy is lying to you and cheating on you?
that is not stalking. they are denying his sickness. which is typical when ppl feel helpless –or at fault at all. they should have slapped him up and sent him home EVERY TIME. they’re simply enabling him.
and you can’t do anything about it.
ignore them.
you dont need them
or ANYONE who makes u feel bad.
walk away and dont look back, girl.
Get this: my OWN sister occasionally hints, in conversations with me, that she is sympathetic to him. She says stuff suggesting I’m over-reacting, that I should be more diplomatic, maybe he was just drunk (poor guy)? and she even touches upon my childhood “insecurity” as possibly being the basis for a misconstruction on my part about his true motivations (“I’m sure he loves you”). There have been times that her comments just about sent me over the top into madness.
In contrast, one day this guy loomed over me screaming and virtually foaming at the mouth, while I scrambled in my desk drawer for a pair of scissors to defend myself. On another occasion just before I left, I huddled on the floor listening to him pant above me, struggling with himself not to assault me. My own sister doesn’t get it, so don’t expect your sisters-in-law to do so either, would be my advice.
I get this, too, from well meaning people who just don’t get it. I think what underlies their thinking is that they just don’t believe anyone could actually be as evil as a spath so they look for other explanations. I did that at first with my ex P.
Realistically, what does your sister think love is?? Love is an action, and when someone lies, cheats, and abuses, it is not love. If your husband was faithful, honest, a protector and provider, who makes you happy, will your sister say you’re over reacting to be feeling happy, and maybe he doesn’t really love you even though he acts like it????
Somehow, logic and rational thinking gets lost; I think the spaths hypnotize everyone. I don’t blame others because until I experienced it first hand, I thought it takes 2 to tango, no one would ever abuse me, and I believed my ex P’s lies about his first ex wife.
I think there’s a lot of wisdom in your post and that my sister does not want to believe she didn’t “get it” about him, any more than we want to believe it either.
In other words, even when there’s a sort of informal relationship between people, nobody likes to feel defrauded or believe they were capable of being taken in. So she maintains that he changed, as opposed to accepting that he defrauded me. And in a way I don’t argue this: his disease went in and out of remission over the course of those 30 years, and during some of them he was more sane than at other times.
Eventually it gobbled him up, thanks to the money he inherited, which allowed him to play out his inner James (Porno) Bond movie. The final irony was that he even found a way to make his father’s gift a curse. What is it they say about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory? 🙂
My family always thought I was over-emotional. They had no idea the hell I lived in. Of course he was always so charming and mild mannered and used each time of my nervousness to make me look bad. The family had no idea of the events that went on when they weren’t there.
We he first left, they all thought that it was mutual wrong doing. Now they see that he is a wacked out nut job.
A few weeks ago, he went to dinner with us and as a blessing, prayed for our family to be healed and restored. He was so loving and kind. My mom thought he was doing so well. That night, he butt dialed me and I heard a drug deal, him using drugs and him be intimate with another woman. Now my whole family gets the bug picture.no sociopath is a word that they recognize and have experienced.
People on the outside have no way to wrap their brains around what these people can do. Just like we all had trouble understanding it. It’s just so far outside of normal.! Nits evil. And if someone isn’t evil, how could they ever relate to how evil thinks.
Tara, stay away from anyone who would make you doubt your intuition. NAND sleep on clean sheets. Yay!
Haneli-no I’m not trying to say anyone is old or be disrespectful. .I just feel I was so young when I met him..im too rired to start over. You all have been thru much worse than what I have. I just feel like so much wasted time
Taralav,
It is never too late to reinvent your life and be happy. I am soon to be 54, single, and having the time of my life. And what I’ve been through in my life would make most others’ lives look like a ride at Disneyland. Honey, the day you wake up and you are free from the destructive, disordered people in your past will be the day your life really begins. I for one can’t wait to hear about it! Sending big hugs. Star
Thank you Star- I am going to try..its very hard. I spent almost the entire day in bed, tears..i finally got up and sat outside a little bit. It is so shocking..i feel like my entire body and soul has just been shocked to the core by what is being revealed to me
Tara, I don’t think you’re being disrespectful…I think you’re so far down a black hole that you can’t see out, and you’re despondent and looking for reasons to convince yourself that maybe you aren’t in a black hole after all…it’s all just a mistake.
I felt young when I met mine at 49…and I was a very youthful 49. The experience with him beat the living daylights out of me, and believe me, I have lamented the loss of my “youth”. I too felt many, if not all the things you do, and felt too tired to start over. But at the end of the day, what happened, happened. And life does go on. I wallowed where you are for a month, maybe six weeks, and then, I had to get up and start taking care of life. It was HARD – I was in a state where I knew no one, had no job, and had all day long to ruminate…but I knew if I didn’t do something to break the cycle, my life would be even more f’ed up than it already was. I continued to wallow whenever I had the opportunity, but I had gone no contact right away so wasn’t getting sucked back in. I am here to tell you, dealing with the pain in my own head/heart/soul was a full plate for me…if I had allowed him to reach into my life by not going NC, I’m not sure I would have gotten through it. This is why, if I could, I would take your phone from you and throw it off the end of the pier. I’d confiscate your computer, and I’d give you complicated word puzzles to work on and supervise you to make sure you did. And I’d make you go dig some holes like I’m always talking about.
I’m a little cranky these days. I was steady putting one foot in front of the other for three years getting out of the mess he left me in. In the few months since the sale of our shared home, I’ve lost my focus and am floundering a bit. I’m slipping into rumination, not about him, that is long gone, but about my choices, my life, and my thoughts have turned increasingly negative. Six months ago, nine months ago, I was terrified the house would never sell, but I was overall in a good place. The house had become a haven for me, and without it now, I am feeling a adrift. I need to get a grip. I need to build a foundation for myself.
That seemed like a sidebar but here is my point – don’t hang on to the pain, because you’ve been doing it long enough now that it is a routine, a pattern, and a haven for you. I said and thought all the same things as you, but the reality is, the party is over. Spend as much time with friends as you can, keep distracted. Do what you have been told here, make a list of things to do. it very hard to take the first step to stop obsessive thinking, but once you take the first step, each step becomes easier and you will not want to go back.
I am reminding myself of this today – obsessive thinking does not help me. It does not solve the problem, it does not figure anything out. Action, and being gentle with myself does.
You say you feel like so much wasted time…yeah, but I wasted time at jobs I didn’t like, in classes learning stuff I never used, making crafts that were just useless. Everyone does, and it all adds up to LIFE. You are now in control of not wasting anymore time on something you now know is bad, bad, bad.
I pray that you will move out of this phase soon. It is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
You are a very strong woman and thank you for prayers I have been praying alot. I should try digging holes..and yes i need to try to be gentle im beating myself up should of done this..could have done this..I agree with you I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I hope you find a good foundation..for yourself. Isnt it so terrible people..human beings can do such a thing to us.
I just am in such such denial.
Hanaleimoom
I’m hearing ya! Black Hole is right!
Tara…
I got up before the sun this morning to make sure I’ve done all the things I needed to do to be ready for my husband’s granddaughter to arrive at 7am. I can no longer trust my husband with her alone for even 5 mins to take a shower….
This reaction or action alone is enough for me to know, without question, that I don’t want to do this anymore! It’s sick twisted and emotionally affecting my health.
My day of finality is fast approaching. I am so looking forward to having him removed in handcuffs to never return and I don’t care about the repercussions! The financial debt of over half a million he’ll leave me with, I’ll treat it as a process, something I’ll sort out one day at a time, but I’ll be happy to do it because it will never EVER be as bad as living on guard, watching every thing he does, looking for the truth behind every word he speaks. The isolation will go to jail with him and I can’t wait! Bring on the financial mess I say! Because that means it’s over and my life starts fresh – at 50 and that no longer worries me either! 🙂
I was listening to an Anxiety Summit session today and the doctor was talking about how ruminating is subclinical OCD. He said taking GABA helps these ppl stop the obsessive thinking. It’s not just WHAT we went thru, its THAT we went thru it.
I know I that have been taking GABA at night to sleep and it seems to be making a big difference. He has ppl take it several times during the day too, to calm down. I feel calmer all day actually, but i take a big load at nite.
Of course, smoking and drinking pop, etc, is just gonna negate the GABA probably, but if you’re rly trying and at the point where you can handle not smoking, etc, supplements are something to try.
You are right, he did waste your time and use you. That is what spaths do when they exploit people. You have suffered a loss and it’s right to grieve it. It happened. It was not your fault and it was out of your control. You didn’t know what you didn’t know and there was no way you could have known.
If you can, try to work towards accepting it eventually, because then you can move on. Of course that won’t be for months or a year or more. You’d be crazy if you could get over this in a few days or weeks. But each day gets better in a few little ways, and even though you will have set backs and recycle your grief, overall you will move forward. This audio http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships accelerated my getting over my ex spath.
Right now your number one job, even if you don’t accomplish anything else is No Contact; and that is pretty much a full time job in the beginning.
In my experience, often victims who feel their feeling, acknowledge their pain, and wholeheartedly grieve, tend to accept reality sooner than if one stuffs one’s feelings; so you are on your own personal path, and you are doing a great job! Congratulate yourself every hour and every day that you don’t contact him. Congratulate yourself every time you don’t read a message from him.
Maybe I’m the oldest here? 46 when the ex P targeted me, 47 when he fake ‘married’ me, and now a few years out I just turned 55.
The P took about a decade out of my life, and left my son with scars forever.
Annette, I’ve got you beat. I was targeted at 49, abandoned at 56 and am now 59. The shared home was just sold in February so it’s been a decade for me too.
AnnettePK and HanaleiMoon…I am close. I am almost 51 now…46 when I was targeted and 48 with the final discard. I remember thinking all along how I was too old to be going through that crap. I should have known better, but wow, did I learn my lesson and that is a beautiful thing. As you can see, it takes a long time to get over. I am not a young chicken either anymore, but life is really getting better for me. I think it being summer helps a lot for me personally. I get out way more and it trumps winter anytime!
Sorry guys, I am way ahead (or behind, as the case may be).
I was married in 1983 and stayed there for 30 years, until his father died and he inherited (then he kicked us to the curb, right?). I am 62.
I look better than I did at 59, though, right after he “came out.” Which he did! openly declaring himself a “sociopath without a soul” who liked to “predate the weak” (all his own words) who was “incapable of bonding to anyone” and had never, in fact, bonded to me or our daughters.
This person came into my life when I had a great job and a nice apartment. Thirty years later, I didn’t have anything except grief, regret and two devastated children. OK I had some confused, outraged friends and a bad headache too! and shouldn’t forget about those.
It seems impossible. Like a movie. A holocaust, I felt harvested! From my credit to my sanity, eventually he took it all — and was as shallow, dissatisfied and empty on the day I left, as he had (unknowingly) been on the day we met in 1982. All the people against whom I’d defended him, turned out to be right: It was like arguing with everybody for 30 years (!) about having a strip of toilet paper stuck to your dress — only to spot it dangling from your bottom after all.
How do I explain this to myself, live with myself? – Love is blind. I could never betray anyone as he did me, thank God I am not like that! and that the kids aren’t either. Better that they should suffer along with me and everybody else he’s hurt, than enjoy doing to others what he did to them (his gf had two daughters, they made nifty emotional replacements and objects of comparison).
Oh, so sad…. Glad you are doing ok now. Congrats, you are the winner of the age survey until someone rings in with more years of wisdom!
My ex P said in his own words also, that he never bonded with his mother. A dear friend of mine commented that if one doesn’t bond with one’s mom, one isn’t going to bond with anyone.
Thank God you are free, Kathy!
ColoradoKathy, I have never come up with a word that described how the experience felt to me. Getting thrown off track isn’t close. Maybe closer to the Challenger disaster…an explosion that left almost no debris.
But holocaust…you nailed it.
Taralev
I think Hanalei is right. Not to diminish your pain in any way, please don’t call yourself old . I stayed over 20 years in a marriage that was a lie and a facade. I am now almost 50 and have to start all over. Please take it as a blessing he didn’t cheat and lie to you for 20 plus years. At times I feel that I wasted my entire adult life with him. Please take a moment and think with your brain and not your heart. I will continue to pray for you.
How interesting that most of us are all in our late 40’s , 50’s. I think this is the age most of us were discarded. I am not sure if all of us were left for younger women. I know it used to be so embarrassing for me that he left me for a girl a little older than his son. She is in her 20’s. I used to compare myself to her. But now I realize that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Like someone said I could have been miss America. It’s all about him.
When you are married you are suppose to grow old together, accept the person as both of you age. I was told “you are too old and boring “. Well, he along with me got older also. I was 27 when I met him. Naturally I did not stay 27, as he did not stay 25.
I know now that there was nothing I could say, do or proclaim. Like a pastor recently said to me. It’s like the husband buys a car, but gets tired of this model and then he trades the car in for an updated, newer, more exciting , faster, more modern looking one with new features. This how we feel . But we were not told that he was shopping around. We were taken by surprise and never asked if we wanted to be traded in.
That’s the sad truth. But like others, even though I am almost 50. I am at a wonderful time if my life. It’s my life now and I am in control. Nobody lies to me anymore. Like Hanalei I lost my dream home in divorce proceedings. Yes, I was sad about that. But you know what , there are millions of dream homes but I have only one life. What good is that dream home if he destroyed me all the way.
Taralev, I probably said the same words as you. “As long as I am in the picture, he loves me”. It’s a complete lie you are telling yourself. Be honest and admit that it is over. It will benefit you. Believe me.
I didn’t get left for a younger woman. My ex P is not heterosexual; he’s interested in cross dressing and having sex with himself and in pornography with teens, which are not younger women – they are young girls, still children.
He fake married twice as a cover to make people he views as important think he’s a wonderful family man. He also likes control over women and children; and he is a sadist who enjoys abusing those he has control over for the feelings of power and control, and he just plain enjoys other people’s suffering.
AnnettePK
It’s like you’re writing about my life sometimes…. mine is also cross dressing, porn and teens but he also is big on tranny porn and the competition to get laid by anyone on his was to work – so he can skite about it to his colleagues – a police mentality I’m lead to believe….
I’m justvthe front for a whole other life! Just so he can avoid detection as how he’s perceived by my friends is important to him. I can’t wait for the media to out him as a pedophile! As a policeman that is accused of child sexual assult – he doesn’t stand a chance of keeping this private and out of the media. Bring on the handcuffs I say!
The similarities are uncanny, it’s the same disorder across the board.
Sounds like you’re waiting for your deliverance soon. I hope and pray all goes as you expect or better.
I have no idea of the full scope of other women he was involved with, but the ones I know about were all at least older than his daughters, I think the youngest was in her mid 30’s, the others were all in their 40’s. The woman he married is in her mid-50’s.
My thinking is that he was able to rush her into marriage since that is a vulnerable age for a single woman and he would definitely have morphed himself into her dream man. No doubt she had some earning power and assets of her own or else he would not have married her. She is similar in looks to me.
I think it is totally random, and who is in their line of sight and vulnerable at any given time they are looking for new supply. They may have vague preferences, body type, hair color, etc. but I do not think they give it any real thought.
Oh, and he handled his cars the same way. He was always bored almost instantly. He lusted after a $120,000 car for most of the time I knew him and he finally bought it…it was outrageously out of his price range but he was determined to have it. We had to take it to ritzy places with valet parking so the valets would think we were special. It was horrible. Within 6 months, he was bored with it and dreaming of a $180,000 car. I wonder if he’s used his new wife’s money to help him get it.
He had about 6 different cars during the time I knew him. I am still driving the same car I had when I met him, it is an 11 year old Toyota with 250,000 miles on it.
He had the same disposable attitude with everything in his life, from clothes to furniture to his kids to me. Nothing, absolutely nothing, held any value to him.
Tara’s Not IN THE PICTURE. she can’t understand that. He IS with the other female. whether she talks to him to or not.
its a way of remaining in some control. a way to cope with the trauma.
taralev, you have got to move on.
just a little.
just go NC.
today
i was not left. that was my first reaction. by either the spath nor the narc.
then i thot, well i was…the spath discarded me when i was pregnant and very, very sick to boot (ASSHOLE). he came back tho JUST before the baby’s birth (wasnt with me AT the birth still tho, as he was INCARCERATED–the gf put his ass in jail when he left haha)
but after that? i couldn’t GET the spath to leave. i had to wait and wait.
the narc would never leave. he told me once he always waited for them to fuck up just a little tiny bit and that would be his excuse…gee does THAT sound familiar??
that way he can always say, he never was the reason for his relationSHITs falling apart.
more proof *I* was not the problem!! he could never find a reason to cause a breakup…i was the perfect gf lol thank you mr narc :p
his 1st words when i said We Are THRU was Thank god!! FINALLY!
then it struck me, he’d been waiting for me to leave lol poor little boy. cudnt find ur big boy panties and man up — till i did it for ya, huh?!
Kaya48
I feel liberated not discarded. I agree that I’ve witnessed the pattern of age with which our end to the life of confusion is all between 40’s and 50’s if my stupid spath had kept up the intimacy then I’d be none the wiser! I’d still think I was the crazy one and he’d still have power over my self worth, but you can’t fske desire and that was the beginning of his end…
I turned 50 last week and celebrated with a huge onesie party – it was a hoot! I’m not longer afraid of going it alone at 50 even though for years the fear of starting all over again at my age kept me trapped in a destructive marriage….
do tell
in detail
about this onesie party
i am turning 50 in Jan and have NO DOUBT
i will be doing it utterly alone.
i want to do a onesie party!!
my 40th bday, i was pregnant with the spath’s baby and VEEEEEEEEEEERY suicidal, living in sum1s basement, destitute–utterly unable to hold a job.
go me
ten fn years later im in almost the same spot in my life. i can work & am not suicidal but thats about it lol–oh wait, im leeching off sum1 again, but they dont have a basement…
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
My friends and I had a ball! We drank way too much with zero regrets… a few of them were concerned that I’d say something about my spaths impending arrest but even drunk he has no idea of what I know…
Another compliment of the night was how many people said how young I still looked and happy I am while my spath has aged overnight. He was always a very good looking man that spent all of his spare time working out or grooming himself within an inch of his life – well that and wracking off to tranny porn…
I went on etsy and ordered my invitations to look like a childs onesie party – everything was pretty in pink and the theme for me was bunnies so even my cake was a big pink bunny. The backyard was lit up like a Christmas tree with fairy lights and my garden was spectacular with flowers still in full bloom. The whole idea came from the fact that it is winter here in Australia and I wanted everyone to be warm and cozy but it just turned out to be the best night as everyone got into character 😉
ahhhhh
i thot it was a party for one lol
glad to hear u had a ball!
Wow Annette
That is just horrible. You can be glad he is out if your life. How sick. I know my ex was a total pervert. Obsessed with porn and taking pictures. He was so obsessed with his body. It would take him hours to get ready for work. I know now why. She was on the same shift. I was in such denial. I even believed that it was “only pictures” they exchanged. Yeah right. But even nude pictures would be unacceptable in a marriage of relationship. It’s all cheating and betraying. I am so glad he is out of my life.
So sorry to hear about your ex. Even worse than my story.
Thanks for your kindness. In some ways worse than others, in others I fared better than others. We’ve all suffered because we were betrayed in some way by someone who exploited us and harmed us.
It’s my understanding that all spaths are sexually disordered in some way. Not that it’s right, but there is a difference between a man taking a peek at a pretty naked lady in the Playboy centerfold, and the absolutely sick disgusting perverted sadistic pornography using children, animals, torture, etc.