UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
Thanks , my son is good. He sees him for what he really is. An evil person. How interesting how your ex treats one child differently. I don’t know why . I know that my ex never recognized any of my sons academic achievements in school or college now. He always wished for a”more athletic son “. Nothing was good enough for him . Not everyone is an athlete. But to him, not succeeding in sports equaled being weak.
I think children are possessions for them. What kind of father would just leave and get out of the family. No matter how much argueing and tension there is in the marriage, children still want that security and thought of a family. My counselor mentioned this “his hate for his wife is greater than the love for his child “.
Taralev , you will be ok. Look at me, I am ok after 20 years. I know it’s hard and painful but there is nothing that will make you better , except no contact.
Taralev
That’s why you need to cut off ALL CONTACT including to his family. Why do you let him portray you as the insane one? Why? Don’t go there, don’t talk to them. Focus on you and nobody else. I was portrayed as an insane wife to his mother. No mention of the little co worker /whore. Of course not. I don’t talk to none of his friends, family, bosses or co workers. Because whatever he said about you, they believe. That’s his side if the story. Like I said get yourself good counsel and show him that you are in control. If that means going to court to get this injunction dismissed, then please do it as soon as possible.
Taralav,
I keep reading how you say you are in denial. I don’t think that is true. You are doing very well by coming here and understanding how absurd your Spath is acting, now, I understand that you are still very attached to him and your heart has not caught up with what your brain knows. That is very normal. Very normal!,,
Don’t put pressure on yourself about still feeling for him or for not understanding. As long as you are reading your LF family’s advice and trying to stay NC, then you are moving forward. It’s ok to sit in bed and cry. You are removing extreme pain from your heart. So, you don’t feel like moving forward today. That’s ok. As long as you do something to make yourself feel better.
You will find that when you stop talking to him, or reading his text, your heart will start to heal. You will feel better.
I’m praying for you too. I’m glad Sunday is almost over and you have work to distract you tomorrow. I look forward to your update.
Hows you day going?
someone txtd me that today
well i spent the day online reading & writing on lovefraud
hows ur day :p
SIGH
such a freakin stinkin mess.
i hate disordered ppl. i dont feel any sympathy for them. i just hate them. i would not be in this mess now!!!!!!!!
heres a song for taralev and for everyone on here who is struggling
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzwKfTZLUL0
i dont like Pink (she’s kind of an idiot i think), mind u, but this is just too good.
Tara, It’s probably little consolation to know that we’ve all been where you are. I’ve been on the floor where I couldn’t get up from the pain. I’ve been suicidal for months on end. All I can say is just love yourself exactly how you are right now. Don’t try to make the pain go away – just experience it. Cry, breathe into it, hit pillows if you need to. I do think that underlying the reasons we all stayed far longer than we should have in abusive relationships is not feeling worthy or good enough, and blaming ourselves when things go bad in the relationship. I do this to a very high degree, even when it’s obvious there is some flaw in the other person that makes them not a good bet for a relationship. At least it’s good at some point to identify this chink in our self esteem so we can begin to repair it.
The reason you need to break all ties with the spath and his minions (family, friends) is so you can feel emotionally safe again. He and his minions will keep traumatizing you. You need to be able to have a sense of true relaxation in your body and your mind so you can start to let the negativity go. When you get to that safe place, the negativity will just pour out of you until it’s gone. But it can’t pour out if you keep putting more in via your ex and his negative judgmental family.
Colorado kathy
30 years. Wow, I thought I won the longevity survey with my 20 years, but guess I didn’t. People tell me I look so much better and happier than when I was with him. This is proof alone that he was no good for me. I cried almost every day for the past 5 years. He made me feel so worthless and not wanted, it was actually more painful than being thrown away like garbage. His addictions were always something I worried about. It’s like I have a “worry-free” life now. My high blood pressure is gone, I sleep a good healthy 9 hours a night and most important “no more tears “. Doesn’t that feel like enough victory ? It’s plenty for me. My divorce should be final in about 2 weeks. I know I will give my lawyer a big hug for encouraging me to file.
I just want to thank you all every one of you for taking time out of your lifes to write. .you all are so genuine and heartfelt this site has been a support. .I am so happy to know there are good people out there
You are welcome!
And..I put fresh sheets and pillowcase s on my bed which is a good feeling. .thats a big accomplishment today for as bad as I have felt
That is good to hear that you got something practical done today, in addition to all the work you’re doing not responding to him and grieving.
Ser-yes from what he says the marriage ended because she cheated
Good for you Taralav! Clean sheets are a way to treat yourself. I remember a time not so long ago , that I was in such despair that I tried to change my sheets and could only get the old sheets off. I never made it to putting fresh sheets on and ended up sleeping on a bare mattress with a blanket for a whole week. It was awful. I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed.
When you read here, notice how many of us are in our late forties and older. These Sociopathic people get worse and worse as they age. The longer they go, the less satisfied they are and they will go to greater and greater lengths to find something to fill the huge void in their soul. They are veracious parasites that suck the life out of good people. You escaped before yours grew so out of control that he destroyed you. He will grow more and more evil. Wait and see. You are lucky, even if you feel like you are not.
God doesn’t ignore the mistreatment of his daughters! Each time an old man crawls on top of a young prostitute, or a cheating man betrays his loving wife, God takes note. Their destruction is in the making, you can be sure. I know much we love our children, can you imagine how much more our God loves us? He’s not sitting idly by, watching you grieve. His son, Jesus, is pleading for your heart with every tear you shed. Actually, this has been happening since the first moment your boyfriend betrayed you. So for all we know, and I’m sure this is true, each of us have been spared the unimaginable because God was already working to free us……even before we understood we were in danger, how awesome is that?