UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
That’s great you got something done. Like you, first I did not even feel like cleaning and cooking and things around the house. I don’t even remember going to work and performing my job. I am surprised I functioned there without making major mistakes. Eventually I packed his clothes and stuff in containers and put them in a corner in the garage. That was a huge step. Like I said I was very sad at first to sell the house but in the long run it was a good thing. There were so many bad memories in this house. Since he wasted a lot of marital assets (money) I decided to sell most of the things, like tools etc. I changed thx locks on the house and slowly I regained control.
Taralev. You will be ok. Stay away from him and his family and friends. At the moment he probably poisened them against you. So no need for contact. My biggest smile was when I was able to see him court without looking at him, without crying, without my heart racing, without breaking out in a rash. Then I knew I was truly over him. Believe me you will get there. Until then listen to all of us. I wish I could invite you to visit me 🙂
As I am reading these posts, it sounds so familiar. Why is it so hard to get back on track after being with a spath? I have never felt this devastated before! After past break-ups the key was to keep as busy as possible. I would exercise, do things with friends, read, garden, anything to keep busy. It’s still hard to get out of bed in the morning, either hard or impossible to do the things that I have always done. I don’t want to do things with friends or any of the things I mentioned to keep busy. It’s like I can barely concentrate enough to do the things that I have to do to get by such as pay bills. I can’t even concentrate on reading or watching television! I don’t care if I exercise or eat right or any of the things that were really important to me in the past. I don’t seem to have the energy or will.
Does anyone have advice on how to get out of this hole? How do you get your groove back? How do you even want to get your groove back?
DonnaS
DonnaS
I found that if I forced myself to exercise then things started to slowly switch to a more positive mindset within a few days. I’d also start sleeping better. Making myself do it was hard some days but I forced myself until it became habit. This also motivated me to change my diet to purely Paleo, this alone was responsible for the total elimination of menopausal symptoms and now I find it very hard to cry about anything…
Give those 2 ideas a try – Note that Paleo was a transition over months while getting used to preparing and cooking more than 1 meal a day but now its habit. Baby steps are ok when you’ve been with a path so be gentle and kind to yourself and expect things to change as you take each new step forward ♥
Donna
I agree with you. The only way to get thru this situation is to stay busy. It’s hard after the shock and devastation a sociopath can do to you. I felt depressed and wanted to isolate and not get out of bed. The only thing I was doing was checking the social networks and checking to see if my sociopath was still spreading lies about me (at that point there was no making up – and I was doing no contact which set sociopath off and the rumors began)
What helped me was to take a technology break! I vowed not to get on my iPad or computer for 5 days at first. I couldn’t read anymore the sociopath was saying about me cause it was driving me crazy. And after that 5 days were up. I felt better not reading the garbage that the sociopath was saying. And I didn’t look at Facebook or Twitter for a while. And since then which it was about 2 years ago. I will admit I have checked to see what lie was being spread about me. But it had been about 2 months and I found that most of the vicious lies that he was saying on post – had been deleted.
I really got thru by FORCING myself to get out of house. Focus on my child, focus on finding myself, calling friends I hadn’t talked to in a while. It is HARD to feel motivated to do much but feel like crap about things. But I realized that I had 2 options. 1 – let the sociopath destroy me (and shut down like they wanted me to) or 2 – GET BUSY LIVING. (And face the world, and not let the things the sociopath has done to me, and said about me destroy me). At the time I did not have the energy or confidence to join a gym or anything. But I did sign up at a local tanning salon. Which may seem small but it was big for me. I started tanning, I got my nails done, got pedicure. And that alone made a big difference for me. I realized that the things the sociopath said on social media to try to socially destroy me, was only said on social media. And the fact that I didn’t respond and retaliate only made the the sociopath look crazy. That’s why the post were deleted later. Cuz he got no response.
The sociopath tries to make you feel like the world is against you. And that everyone hates you. They will make it look like they are so happy and you are so miserable. It’s all an illusion. No one hated me. They weren’t happy. I can honestly say as of today – I am genuinely happy. I no longer care about anything the sociopath says. I realize anything they say is all fake and lies to try to make me feel like crap. The sociopath is nuts. Not me. I use to question myself and at one time even said “did I do that, did I bring all this on?”
It took a while to get my confidence back. But I realized that it was NOT ME, I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE WHAT WAS DONE TO ME. The only thing I was guilty for was being a person who cared too much. And for believing a person who had not only conned and lied to me but to many others as well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. But you have to force yourself to move forward in order to see it.
Hoping to heal
You are so right about God working in ways we just don’t see right away. To this day I believe that God took him out of my life so I can have peace, so I can have my life back. Because I was not strong enough to leave him on my own. God intervened. I think the devil tempted humans if votes by my ex being an atheist he could not resist that little minion.
Taralev, if you leave if in gods hand you will be fine.
Hoping , I did the same with my sheets. For weeks I just slept on the mattress with a blanket. Maybe another good idea is getting rid of the bed you shared. I am working on this one now. 🙂
Yes I did the same I was sleeping on a sheet with just the mattress! I am feeling better in a fully made bed. I can’t believe how debilitating I have become
I did, too, when I couldn’t do much of anything around the house, ended up sleeping under a blanket on the mattress pad, for awhile.
Thanks for the kind thoughts, everybody! and yes taralav you could’ve found me under those sheets too — unwashed hair, puffy eyes and all.
Hey, I’m talking about yesterday! 🙂
LOL I am much better than when I separated a few years ago, and only occasionally still hang out in PJs and smeared mascara. Before leaving, I stayed a whole year trying to “work things out” while he got more ominous and mysterious by the hour, and after leaving waited for three years before filing for divorce to make totally sure it was “the right thing to do.” So I’m totally on the slow side of breaking up, ha, and understand the urge for lots of monologue and dialogue first.
You’re great, taralav! and deserve a fully made bed. Keep your sense of humor, and your sense of balance! He’s made a Humpty Dumpty mess, once the glue of trust is gone the fixed pieces are oh-so-ready to fall apart at any moment.
Now it’s time to blow his mind, and yours!! with a real surprise. Do something he’s never imagined, the last thing he expects: Get over him. Not because he is or is not a spath, but because he treated you poorly either way. This is hard (to say the least, right?) but not as hard as imagining a future relationship with broken down ol’ Humpty and his assorted bag of chips.
Like most longtime ex-wives that I know of, I had a great marriage for almost all of those years, and absolutely don’t consider them wasted. Sure, on bad days in bed, I rant that my whole life was wasted! but that isn’t really true, we spent decades in relative if not total balance and I would never have left him. If this hadn’t been the case, I wouldn’t have stayed married and neither would you, right?
Ha, even at 62 I am hardly ready to hang up on attracting someone else once I’m finally ready, and you also will find many potential suitors if that’s your wish. The challenge lies instead in defining myself as a single person after so many years, and one who’s somehow the better for this instead of embittered by it. I’m inspired by the company of fellow posters and recognize them as being among the hidden treasures of this time, am sure there are others, and that we will all discover them ahead.
Thank you so much for writing..i feel I have smeared mascara everyday
Taralev
Just wondering how you are doing today ? I hope you remained no contact
I am worried about you. Because I was there.
Me too, me too, me too, and me too. 🙂
And me?…
thank you guys
Thanks you Kaya for checking in on me..and ironic and Kathy..all of you on here. Yesterday was really really bad for me..I did not contact all day…then I got a message from him saying the same old lines ” he would have been home if I had not exposed him at his job, befriended his ex wife, involved police”. I did none of the police..he did. And I talked to the women at work because THEY contacted me because he was cheating. I just had a very very bad night. Curled up in a ball..today I am feeling just so down.
I just don’t know how much longer I can live this life. I don’t know where I am heading..I wake up to a empty house and I just cant believe he did this. I am left to fend for myself from the 1 person I counted on to be there for me.
I know I am a broken record. I am just so badly hurting inside and outside. I look like a mess. I feel like a zombie..i walk into work and I just stare at my computer screen. I cant believe what he has made of my life.
Taralav
I’ve got messages that I’ve never seen. I didn’t look at them because I knew they would hurt me…I either saved them for my solicitor to read or forwarded the emails onto my friend that is the safe keeper of my evidence – try that sweetie x
Hi
I just read something interesting. When being discarded, we all should see his betrayal as a release and opportunity for a better life, without the disrespect and lies, which corrode self-worth. So true.
It definetely applies to me. I don’t look at it as a discard anymore, it’s more a release back into normality and sanity and peace and freedom. Looking at it now , it’s the best thing he ever done for me. Besides giving me my wonderful child. But that was God who created that child and not him.
Kaya48,
A beautiful, peaceful thought, you shared. So, this is an opportunity from God. My faith tells me that is true. And my heart tells me that God gave me my children also. They are worth it all!
Please I hope karma gets him..I need to get on with my life I am so frozen..I feel like I really have lived up to his calling me crazy status. I just cant live like this..i would rather not wake up then be in this pain and feeling of worthlessness.
Tara-
I’ve been in your shoes. Not only did I suffer the slings and arrows of my psychopathic ex, but also of the child who I love more than life itself.
What got me through was therapy, medication, and writing my story.
I know the intense agony you’re experiencing. Don’t listen to his “crazy-making!” tune him out for once and forever. Go out and do things that make you feel good about yourself, and you will begin to heal.
All the best!
Joyce
Tara, I hope you listen to Joyce and all the wonderful women here who care about you and have been in your shoes (and head and heart)!
You had a really bad day yesterday, but it got worse when you read his message, didn’t it? I know back then, I would have been happy with a really bad day vs. a day where it was made even worse by a contact from him like that, which would have twisted me all up the same as it did to you. Surely by now you are starting to see that the contacts are making it worse – and nothing he will ever say will be the truth, and will only get you to react, trying to make it right, explain it, etc. You will learn to accept he can say anything he wants and it will not matter to you to correct it or set it right.
Before I went NC, mine would write me long, very hurtful emails. I would analyze them for days (after I politely replied that I had received his email and would be responding, geesh what a fool I was), and then take days to formulate just the right response, demonstrating the depth of my love for him and responding to his cruelty, point by point. Those days, three, four or more, were spent completely focused on this task…while he was out grooming his next victims. He didn’t think a minute about what he wrote after he wrote it, and surely didn’t value my responses beyond using them for more ammunition to destroy me. I could have been enjoying the summer in my new town, attending free concerts in the park, meeting new friends. Luckily, his cruelty was so extreme that had to cut it out or go crazy.
I am now facing decisions in my life that have nothing to do with him, but are a big deal to me. These last weeks I have ruminated myself to death over them, and am no closer to an answer. Reading your posts has put me back into the early days after the discard and how I tortured myself. I realize I am doing the same thing now, and it has to stop. I am battering myself (as are you), for absolutely no reason.
You will never make it right with him, he will not allow it. He is toying with you cruelly, and you are allowing it. Block him! Any attention whatsoever feeds him. Take control of your life back. The only way you can do this is to tune him out for once and forever as Joyce says. It is the only way, and it works. Please go out and do things even if you don’t want to (especially if you don’t want to)…they will make you feel better.
Sometimes it is one minute at a time, that is when I went out back and dug a hole. It worked. And lots of holes finally result in a tilled up garden that can be planted with beautiful flowers!
My friend, that is SO NORMAL for them that you should feel downright reassured that your diagnosis is correct.
Here is how a real break-up runs:
Kathy, I am really sorry and will understand if you never want to see me or hear from me again. I’ve met someone else and feel our relationship has more potential, I know this will be disappointing news for you and that my family will also be upset. I don’t think therapy or a break will be helpful so please just understand that I did my best but it’s over.
Here is the spath break-up:
You are a crazy bitch who caused all this shit in my life.
Thanks for the laugh. So true! But I can’t even begin to imagine a normal man in my life….
Taralev
I did the same. Went to work starred at my computer. But at one point you need to decide if you want to stay like that. You should have not read his messages. He is stabbing you in the heart and then twisting the knife. Is there any way you can change your number ? I had a dream last night that my ex was yelling at me, making me cry. Wow I am glad it was a dream. For some reason I don’t have bad days anymore. Karma does not exist with them. Stop hoping. Just focus on yourself. Let him be evil. I am sure the new woman will eventually go through the same. The hell he creates. Just be thankful you escaped.
Yes- I can change my number but really..all I have to do is block him and keep him blocked. I block him..then unblock him. Sick right? He is stabbing me..you are right. So badly. I feel like I am in a never ending nightmare. This cant be the man I spent these years with…He is cold..mean..and no sympathy at all.
When you get to the point where you can stop responding, you probably will feel better. It takes your power back from him, in a way that’s difficult to understand until you’ve been through it. He may be controlling your responses more than you realize. It was that way with me.
Kaya48 and taralav
I have to respectfully disagree with your thoughts regarding karma.
You will never see the magick of karma working to your advantage while you’re playing with the emotion or energy involved.
My marriage did my head in. The constant confusion and triggers he used to send me crazy were too much in the end. I finally set my plan to end it, in motion and tidy up loose ends by telling his boss everything I knew, along with the treat of exposing the unit for misconduct if she didn’t clean it up in house. At the end of the call I hung up with the words; he’s your problem now! I went about my days as if he no longer existed in my life. I pulled all my focus off him and started living, thinking and behaving as if he wasn’t around. The negative energy he directed towards me had no where else to go but back to himself – it took 2 weeks for the karma to bring him unstuck. He is now looking at a jail term so id say, back off emotionally and completely and then you’ll see the karma in action x
Ironic,
I think your advice is right on point. When we are in the middle of the storm, we can’t see that destruction it is leaving behind. But when we step out, refocus and start moving away from the storm, we can look back and see the mess it is leaving.
I’m in that stage now. For so long, I held on and fought the negative energy with my good intentions, prayers, efforts,thoughts and emotions. Now I’ve let go and put that energy toward worthwhile things like my family, my future, others and self care. I’m trying to focus on joy.
And like you said, I’m looking back and seeing an implosion. I find it easy now to run the other way.
I did the same. Block him and then unblock. But then he knows that you still get his messages. I just spent the 36$ and changed my number. Of course he still tries to get to me through my son. But now we can just ignore him since I am ” cured” from my addiction. Until you are there I would just get a new number and new email. I am not sure but my ex told his lawyer that it is unfair he can’t get a hold of me. Ha. Unfair , can you believe hd said unfair. My lawyer said “tough, if he has something important to say, tell the lawyers. If it is garbage he won’t relay it to me. And yes, it was all garbage. Like threatening to have me fired at my job”. Because I told the minions that I know about her nasty pictures and affair “. They hate to be exposed and embarassed.
So my lawyer advised me to change my phone no and email and change the locks, I did that the day I filed for divorce.
Taralav
Can you afford to go on a holiday with a friend or alone to a spa or something? Or visit someone out of state or out of country? I think you need a new scenery for a while. But no point if you are still in communication with the psychopath. New surroundings will help you do no contact.
Bally, that is a great idea! Once during the relationship I had had enough, and I did just that – took a week off work and went to a spa in another state by myself. I actually picked a place that had no cell reception, although it did have wifi for email. I told no one where I was, and spent that time taking yoga classes, floating endlessly on my back in a pool and eating meals at a community table with strangers and making small talk. It was very healing and gave me some mind space to figure some things out. Of course, I didn’t know he was a psychopath then and within weeks of coming home, he had love bombed me back into submission, leading to buying that disastrous house within a year.
This would be perfect for Tara! Pick a place with no cell service!
Taralav,
I agree with Kaya and Bally,
If you could only go away, that would help so much. But I understand that he left you in financial stress. And if I remember,you don’t even have television or internet service at home now. That makes it more difficult since you don’t have things that can grasp your attention. Oh, now I see why you started smoking. You go outside to smoke. It distracts you and gets you out of the house. It makes sense to me now. I’m so sorry. I did the exact same thing. I would sit on the patio and smoke. It was a terrible habit, but it helped me at the time.
I hope your medication is helping. I’m praying for you. We all care and understand.
I keep saying I’ll quit when I’m single…very soon!
Bally
You are right. A little time away would be good for Taralev. But no need if she is still on contact with him. I was in the same terrible position. I went to the beach for a little different scenery and then while at the beach, I would read his insults he was texting or emailing. How silly is that? I think this is exactly where Taralev is right now. It did take me about 3 months and that injunction he filed against me and the wise words of my lawyer to finally put an end to it. It did not happen overnight. And now I just cannot believe that I read and listened to his crap. “I had to leave you because you are mentally ill, I am not in love with you anymore”. And so on. Translation : “I am having an affair, it’s getting too complicated to hide it, I want to be with her.”
Why lie and deceive? Because it’s the only way for them to justify their actions and put blame on the other person. And that’s just plain evil.