UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Intuition, I agree, is the key to sanity. Intensify this quality in yourself and the clarity it contains. It is primordial and the greatest gift we have been blessed with. Unfortunately, we sensitive individuals have been raised to intensify our focus onto others. Being too concerned to win a semblance of affirmation in exchange for authenticity in our close relationships. Our most important relationship should be the one we have with ourselves. When this relationship is strong and healthy, we have nothing to fear except fear itself. Kalina
i found this today on a website about healing autoimmune thryoid disease:
“…it’s time to find the buried honey in the bitterness of our lives.”
it struck me.
i had been trying and then gotten overwhelmed. i need to find it. i need to go back to trying. there is honey to be gathered, in the bitterness of the aftermath of a disordered person-tornado. i am soooo tired of gathering, of hunting, of scratching for it. but it IS there.
may we all continue to gather the honey.
I have attained FREEDOM FROM SPATH! After 3 years of ‘dealing’ with all his “tricks” and “trips” he has finally Flown the Coup!
I am fortunate, he was offered and took, a job in California. We lived in Kentucky, and I just bought the little farm I’m living on. There are 2200 miles between us, so at least I won’t be ‘looking over my shoulder’ for him to try sneaking back into my life.
You will all appreciate this part – he left ALL of his ‘belongings’ behind. He packed what he could in his car, waved good-bye, and headed west, with the ‘promise’ that he’d be back for the rest of his stuff (which he left in piles and heaps everywhere on my property). Four days later when asked what should be done with it all, the response is, “sell it, keep it, or throw it away. It isn’t worth my coming back for!” Are We Surprised?
Other than his clothing and some equipment used for making jewelry that I have no use for, there were a number of tools that I am glad to have! They Almost Cover the financial losses he caused me. I already sold one of his trailers, and have folks interested in some of the other things he left behind.
The thing is though – he just up and walked away and left it all for me to deal with. Typical spath behavior – leave the mess for someone else to clean up.
I’m in the process of writing a paper for my friends in the psychology field, and expect I’ll have it finished in a month or so. If anyone is interested in reading it after they’ve “edited” it, I’d be happy to share what I learned.
Yes! I totally relate to ur experience. I had to wait for my spath to head west too and leave what he cudnt get in a couple suitcases…cuz he’d be back rofl…yeah right. i knew once i cud get him to leave on his own, we wudnt deal with him again. hopefully thats ur experience as well in the future. if u dont have kids with him, i can almost guarantee it.
i keep giving him no reason to talk to me, even having kids.
the last few times ive let him talk to them, i hung up the phone after they were done. i have NO interest in anything he has to say…sending me money? great i’ll believe it wen i get it (never gotten a dime in 3 yrs). coming out to see them? damn but i’ll deal with it wen u get here (has no way to get out here) getting remarried? i care, why?? ur mom’s dying? and i care becuz (his mom is a NPD if not a spath herself).
thank god spaths go after the SHINYs lol
freakin little kids
uncannie1…hooray for you that he is gone! Yes, typical spath behavior.
I would love to read your paper.
Thank you Ser,
I can admit that I do have the teeter-totter feelings about him, but the thing that keeps me going and not pouting is that HE was the crazy one, not me. Oh, I’m not completely sane either, after being in Iraq for 16 months, a few of my own marbles rolled out of their slots. But, as a result of that I was the perfect patsy for this guy.
Although I “lived” the experience, I did so while taking psychology classes at university. After I got through a few chapters on “Aberrant Behavior Diseases” and recognized his patterns, I was actually armed with knowledge of the tricks and tactics he was playing. I haven’t come through it unscathed, believe me. He cost me thousands of dollars, and being disowned by my only son. I haven’t seen my grand children in 2 years because of him. I will soon rectify that situation, but the fact that it happened at all is another way these people manipulate us into ‘isolation’ from those we love.
I’ve been here before, and I can tell you that I am in no way in the kind of pain I was the last time. My counselors at the VA have told me they’ve never met a ‘stronger’ woman, in all that I am able to cope with. I wonder about that, but I’ve certainly learned my lessons well this time! And, because I wrote diary entries throughout it all, I can now go back over it all, and make much clearer correlations in his behaviors than while I was being subjected to his disorders. So, while I’m writing a ‘paper’, I’m also releasing all of the feelings that his behaviors caused, and letting the anger and hurt slip into the boxes that I’m packing containing his junk before I put it all in a garage sale – $5 a box! Grab Boxes… could be really cool stuff or not… LOL
He filed a permanent change of address with the post office, so I’ve become the owner of a bunch of stuff that I’ve not a clue about. But, that won’t last long, and I’ll be selling off his stuff so if he ever comes back here, there won’t be anything for him at all.
I seriously doubt that he’ll ever venture back here. He’s a good looking, 51 year old Jeweler, and he is a smooth talker, manipulator extraordinaire! The only thing is, that I know his new woman boss is in the process of a divorce. This is exactly the same position his Ex-wife was in when he met and subsequently married her. She owned her own jewelry store, and he tried to take it from her, and when she wouldn’t let go – he tried to kill her!
I’m wondering if I should send her some kind of warning to keep herself away from him. I don’t know the woman, but as a woman, I feel a certain need to warn her of the danger he represents. But, if I do, and he looses his job, what then? I sure as hell don’t want him back here!
What do you think?
uncannie1…I don’t know…from my experience, women usually do not listen to the warnings. They want to do what they want to do…they follow their heart and not their head. I myself was warned and even I did not heed the warning so in my opinion, you can do it, but I don’t think it would help. I just wish we weren’t all so crazy over these stupid men who could care less if we lived or died. It’s awful. I see it all around me and it’s very disheartening.
I wish the best for you and hope you never have to deal with him again!
Consider contacting his new victim and just say who you are and let her know that if she ever has any questions or would like to talk to you about anything, you’d be happy to answer questions or talk with her. She will know you’re available if/when she wants information. If you warn her with specifics about the predator, depending on her mindset at the time, she or he could turn it against you somehow.
AnnettePK…very good advice!
Thanks taralav,
Ive also been left devastated and unbelieving. It’s been 6 months since he asked me and my daughters to move out and showed no remorse, pain, or struggle with his choice. He already had a new potential and even now, will talk to me about her and how he mat be in love with her and moving state to be with her. We were together 8 years and had my 2 kids from a previous marriage and his ex wife died while we were together, so we had his 3 kids full time for the last 5 years. I’ve been to counseling where I was told he was a sociopath. I was a confident, attractive, outgoing person and have been addicted to this man for so long and kept hoping and waiting for him to grow up and stop screwing around and looking for other women. We had moments of good and I now know that he never had a real feeling in his heart for me, or for anyone else. He wants to be rid of hos kids and says that he shouldn’t have to worry about then, it’s his life abd he should never have taken them on. It’s like who he always was has escalated and I have been horrified and in agony for months. Every story I read could be him. I try no contact and do well for awhile but somehow wind up talking again every few weeks. When I’m doing well, he wants me. He still asks for sex. And when I’m down, he is cruel and derogatory. It’s a vicious, awful cycle and one um hoping to break very soon. There really is no heart there and no hope with him.
Yvette71,
I hate to read of your sadness and pain. The cycle of manipulation, that you find yourself in, is torturous. It is addictive. There is truly something spiritually evil about how they trap us and hold onto us. They sense when become stronger and then swoop back in for the kill. Isn’t that the way it feels, like your soul is being killed over and over? But the hypnosis of their fake love is so powerful.
My husband has gotten worse and worse, too. I think that when they are done with us, they want to move on to a new victim, but they continue to return to us just to get the high that controlling us brings. Breaking free and NC is the only way out.
Are his children with you now? I admire you for being their momma after their biological mom passed away. They are very fortunate to have you. How awful is it that he doesn’t want them now? I would be very frightened of him.
I hope you can build up your resolve, make connections with other people so you do not need his attention, and disconnect from him completely. It’s the only way to find peace. You and your kids will be on my heart.
Hoping to heal,
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s amazing how good it feels to have found this site and to know I’m not alone. His youngest child and I are close and still spend some time together but it’s obviously not the same. It’s hard for me but it’s harder for her to deal with, as she has to go it alone with him. The older ones are very closed emotionally to me and I think that will not be repaired. I think they are glad I’m not living that life anymore. This relationship cost me more than emotionally, like others, I was financially used…but who thinks that when you are planning to be married? The one thing that rings true is that they don’t feel like we do, think like we do or care like we do. Not about anyone. I had all the signs for such a long time and even now, can’t believe I stayed as long as I did. But I’m starting NC again and I will take one day at a time again. I feel like an addict and I believe that I am. I was thinking today that a sponsor would be a good idea and I wish there were support groups we could go to to talk to others in person. I’ve even thought of hypnotism. I think though, all things pass and this will too. It’s not a normal relationship we have, we have been abused and that will take time to go away. But I’m fairly sure we will all recognise one next time! Just look for the charmer making wisecracks at the table…..and run! Xx
The predators use hypnotic techniques to suck us in in the first place. I listened to a very good relaxation tape with suggestions and affirmations specifically for overcoming the addiction to a psychopath daily for over a year, which worked well to reprogram my mind.
yvette71…absolutely!! I am saying that to your comment about the charmer at the table making wisecracks…that was my ex without a doubt. He was beyond charming and had a line of women just swooning over him. I have said the same thing…now that I have learned, as soon as I see one ounce of charm coming from someone…I turn the other way. It’s a manipulation tactic.
yvette71…I hate this happened to you. It’s really heartbreaking, but do you see one key thing here? It’s about the sex. As soon as he gets it from you, he turns on you again. It’s all a horrible game. And he’s with someone else! And he’s still asking you for sex! So when you have sex with him, you are having sex with her. There is a proven thing I am sure you heard that when you have a sex partner, you are sleeping with all the people they slept with. There is even a chart in my Gynecologist’s office on the wall that shows this. You are right…it is a vicious cycle…a sex cycle. Please do NOT give in to him. It makes me sad just thinking about how you are being used. 🙁
Ser,
You are right and the last time I actually asked him to use a condom…he got defensive and said he had been tested blah blah blah…the relationship hadn’t become sexual etc…all could be true or a total load of crap. And the best thing to happen was that it was still magnetic but not as much as before and I told him after that that it wouldn’t be happening again. Of course he said he had made that decision because he always has to be that one…but I feel worse about myself after any contact and may actually be starting to finally learn! And yes, it’s a game, he tells me that it means nothing to him as we are not together and I’m not important to him…I bet he’s not saying that to the one he’s grooming. I am sick of being used.
yvette71…I am so glad you are getting it! Don’t let him use you ever again. I feel confident you are on the right track and will not let him do this to you again. When he told you their relationship had not become sexual…hahahahaha…right…tell me another one! The way the majority of people have sex with each other on the first or second date…there is NO way I would believe that! No way!!!! He has already proved to be a liar and a cheat…why would you believe that?? Good luck to you with No Contact!!! Just know you are better than that and have respect for yourself…you CAN do it!! 🙂
I just heard this and wanted to share it with everyone. I think its a perfect strength song for ushttp://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e0r3zbGvfYk
Hi everyone,
I think the perfect “strength” song is “In oceans deep” by Hillsong United. I want to thank this website for giving me the strength and hope through out this most difficult time of my life. As my divorce nears the end, I am finally free. Free to be myself, free to not to believe his lies and betrayals. It was very hard to be discarded after a 20 years marriage for a 20 something co worker/deputy. Looking back I know now this was the best thing that ever happened to me besides my son. I am so thankful to her to take my place, to be disrespected and put down. To be in a constant “crazy making experience, to be devalued, to be made worthless’.
Thanks to my zealous attorney, who really worked hard for me, I can go on with my life. Yes, I lost many material things in my life. In return I gained so much. So much that it brings tears into my eyes. I was awarded permanent spousal support/alimony for the rest of my life.
Today is month number 10 of no contact….absolutely no contact. He cannot push my buttons, he cannot get any reaction out of me, because he is nothing to me…just like a grey rock…not worth looking at.
In court proceedings I did not look at him, talk to him or engage in any conversations…I am so proud of myself..
My advise to anyone dealing with a sociopath is:
Get the best attorney you can afford, if you cant, borrow money from family and friends so you can.
Cut of all contact and fight your battle….its the fight of your life, believe me….and looking back I won this battle.
Thank you lovefraud for making me realize that I do not have to be a doormat…..I am worth so much more and he never deserved me, ever.
kaya48…Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. I love that song. One of my favorites. We sing it at my church. Months and months ago, I actually posted those words to this song on my Facebook page.
Taralav, we all have our own ways of healing and try all the suggestions given to you. For me, the disbelief that someone could behave in such a way caused me turmoil. I believe reading everything you can about psychopathy is a great healer….to the point you are replacing your addiction of him with your new thirst for knowledge of his disorder. Every time you think of him let that be a trigger for picking up a book on psychopathy. His disorder will then become a big turn-off. You will then no longer feel the need to ask him what happened between you, because you will have the answers in your books. No longer will you agonise over his behaviours and what he did to you because you will have read it was typical of his disorder, predictable and inevitable. I now just use my memories of the psychopath’s behaviour as real-life examples of what I am reading. I just now see him as a text book case to help my learning. He is just a psychopath nothing more.
Thank you for your post. I have just had such a hard time grasping what has happened. He has completely moved on and with a new young girl. .nothing I feel or say to him matters. All I keep asking is why..why. I took such good care of him and hischildren it isn’t fair im going thru this pain. I do nothing but sleep my weekend away to make the pain go away.it feels like a nightmare that will never end. Why can’t I get mad..and where is my self respect. I have none anymore.
Bally
That is such good advice. Every time I thought of my soon to be ex husband I thought of lucifer. He was a beautiful angel but so evil. I learned so much about sociopaths and there really isn’t anything good about them. This made if much easier to let go. I quitt that addiction. It took me almost a year. To this day I remember when I filed for divorce. I asked my lawyer if I should really go ahead with it. He said “what are you waiting for? Till you are dead?” He was so right . Thinking back I realize that I had no other choice. After 20 years I finally could see the truth, the real person behind that mask. And I did not like what I saw.
After a year of very ugly divorce proceedings it is almost over. Even when everything looks dark there will be light at the end. Good luck.
Kaya, glad you are working through it.