UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I am fighting depression. Have been for awhile I guess. It’s hard. Recovery is such hard frikkin WORK. Especially when the other person is the parent, so there is NO ONE to help with the children. Of course, alot of our families are extremely dysfunctional and that is why WE end up in the disordered relationshits. So there’s another avenue of support not available to us. Then there’s the financial landslide that happens when the male is not part of the picture anymore. Women and children end up impoverished. It’s rare they don’t. So there’s ANOTHER support not accessible…time outs & get aways for mom, even a sitter to just allow her to sit and stare at the wall :p
So yeah, I KNOW why I am in this state. But it’s doing nothing to get me on…over…through it.
I AM feeling more calm throughout the day due to some herbs and such i’m taking for sleep at nite. I rly think i am. BUT i am eating a TON. it’s awful. i only eat very limited things, i’ve cut out alot of stuff. Im talking like NO grains at all, no dairy, etc. but im eating alot of what i can and the occasional dark chocolate is turning into daily dark choc.
It’s depressing me worse. I am seriously at my wits end. If I could get a little better even, if I could see the light…i could hold on longer i think.
i started working at the post office June 2nd, parttime. im the only one there lol. so that is not a social outlet either lol its a tiny little post office that i dont know why they dont close it. but it’s giving me some cashflow yahoo. however, my living situation is almost hellish at times. there is no relief it seems, anywhere in my life 🙁
Ain’t,
I’m so glad to have found LF and all the support from the family here, but I do wish we were able to connect and help each other more than just online. I’m so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed. You always have such uplifting advice and rarely let on that you are feeling down. I wish I could do more than just message you.
Your survival through your life tells me that you are a very strong and resourceful, and you seem to have a knack for looking at the bright side of situations. Thank you for admitting you are not at your best so that we all know what areas to encourage you in,
I wish I knew more about your current living situation. I know the story of your evil Spath, but am a little unclear about where you are now. Glad to hear that you have the distraction of work plus some income to relieve financial burdens. Both are positives in your recovery. I guess it does suck to not see many people at work. I once worked at a dental office where I was there alone four days out of five, Sometimes it was so quiet that it was hard to keep my eyes open. Hopefully you are busy enough that the time goes by quickly.
Ill be praying that this really tough time passes quickly and that light at the end of the tunnel begins to burn brightly.
You are so sweet Hoping to Heal…you write the most heartfelt posts..Aint- I hope you are doing ok, I am also depressed and your posts cheer me up so I am sorry you are struggling. I hope it gets better soon…a job is at least a job..maybe you will find something else you like more 🙂
A little country post office sounds kind of fun, but maybe the reality isn’t so romantic and charming.
I can relate very much to how you describe feeling – I also eat too much (I gained weight), and ate a lot of dark chocolate. I’m a single parent; I was widowed when we were three months pregnant. The spath came later, and has been gone a couple of years.
At some point I read that making a “gratitude list” is helpful; and it helps me a lot to go through the exercise on a regular basis of listing blessings that I am grateful for. A kind and understanding friend of mine once pointed out, when I was recounting my very real and serious problems, “You don’t have problems, Annette. People in Iraq have problems.” I always come back to that thought, and consider if I had the problems I have living in a less fortunate part of the world. It may not work for others, but guiding my mind to think about things this way helps me a lot.
aint – thank you for posting the honest place of where you are – it helps even if there is no immediate answer. I’m going through a tough spell too and it’s such a relief to just say it. I cannot get away from him right now and it’s weighing on me heavily.
It’s exhausting but keep on keeping on. We are all pulling for you here. You are doing really well to eat the best food you can, so you have a good self preservation instinct going – that’s really positive. Good that you are getting a bit more sleep. You are giving yourself as many little breaks as you possibly can. So – if it helps to know – you are doing great for where you are.
Sending you strength for today and support to hang in there.
Taralev
I still don’t understand how you are communicating while there is a restraining order in place. I think you play with “fire” and if you don’t stop it you will get burned. That means jail time. Please take this injunction serious and don’t answer his texts. No matter what you write he will eventually use it against you. Please listen to my advice. I was once the recipient of an injunction. After the lawyer explained to me how serious this is I stopped all contact. Please don’t let him succeed and put you in jail.
Taralev.
I wish you a day of hopefulness instead of hopelessness. Please take Hanalei’s advice and go no contact for 24 hours. After that maybe you can make 48 hours. Like others I see in your posts that you realize what you are dealing with. I wish you the willpower to go no contact. Please consider it. He already cheated and left, what do you have to lose by not responding to him?
Thank you Kaya. I need the willpower, the prayer. I need to realize it doesn’t matter how sad I am to him or what I say. He took all my self worth. Why would I want a man who cheated. I wouldn’t. And that is what hurts…that he doesn’t miss all our years together. He doesn’t miss all our memories
This is exactly how I feel about my years with my husband. But knowing that he is this kind of person is reason #592 why I am making plans to leave. It will become one of your reasons that you will someday be glad he is gone.
I have been the one left in the past. It does really, really hurt. I am so sorry. Hang in there.
im beginning to realize that all those memories you thought you had together were all a delusion and lie anyway….I haven’t talked to the spath for four days now, it was just then I found out about the women and the money, I don’t even love him anymore, Im just depressed with myself, Im so glad he is gone, but now I wish I just had someone to talk to, friends that aren’t all married with kids to hang out with, my friends are just not relating to me right now, not checking up on me….this is how it all started anyhow, he fed off my loneliness and feeling middle aged with no husband and kids while all my friends are now to busy for me……this is what finding out of about him is making me face :(…my own insecurities, but the wolf was able to bring me to a low point to face it which makes that much harder to see the light
Please- I need prayers today from all of you if you can take a few seconds to pray I get out from his control..it is the last day of order and I pray I get thru the day and he does not try to get me in trouble. He baited me..I just need to make it thru today I am so nervous
taralav – I add my voice to those who are supporting you and praying for you. Distract yourself if you can. Read or surf the internet or whatever will get you through the hours of today. Focus on yourself, not him. Take lots of deep breaths.
I have been right where you are – I know how hard it is – every minute feels like an hour. You can do this and you know it’s important to be NC for today. Feel the support from us and know you are not alone. NC – NC – NC.
Love and Prayers to you taralav.
Thank you so much. I am trying.I am not crazy like he has made it seem he is a control freak. I am just trying to get thru today. Thank you again
Opalrose
I’m glad I’m not the only one that can’t get away yet, but have set the end in motion and made my plan to leave…
We know enough now, , especially the destruction this type of relationship causes to our mental and physical health. It can be crazy times if you let it! I too spend most of my time thinking and acting as if my spath is no longer around – sometimes it works a treat but other times he gets in the way.
Thanks for reminding me that this mornings thoughts, that woke me, could have set my day up for disaster – its 5.30 am in Sydney and I got up to avoid thinking about it. I’m now prepped to start my day with the strength your posts have remindered of so thanks ♥
Ironic – good morning (here). I’m sending you good thoughts for your day today. I know exactly how you feel as we are both still in our disordered households and making plans to get out. You take care and be careful. It helps me too to read posts – it helps me stay calm during this phase.
Best Wishes for your day
Opalrose
Thank you! And yes these posts help me stay centered in my mission, without them I’ve been too easily lead by words yet confused by actions… This blog gave me clarity and continues to remind me of what I’ve attracted…
ironic–
isnt that the awful-est thing??
to hear the words and want to believe them, NEED TO believe them
but
the actions, the disordered person’s behavior do NOT match up!
this makes such mental chaos & confusion.
its worse than just consistent meanness.
its what makes that abuser-abusee bond sooo tight.
we are all just spinning in our heads…or were, at the very least 🙁
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
I agree! I found this worse emotional abuse than the other women and suspected men. That constant state of confusion was what bought me unstuck, after years of it I was finally worn down to a point of not believing in my own instincts – I do now though!
Ain’t-
That emotional tug-of-war results from the fight going on in your brain between your emotional chemistry and rational thought. Rational thought enables you to see reality while your brain chemistry does everything it can to enable you to ignore it and stay connected. That’s its job.
Once you no longer communicate, it’s easier to stick with rational thought.
Joyce
Taralev
I am praying for you. You said today is the last day of the order. Be strong and don’t respond if he contacts you. Yes, he baited you. What person, who claims to love and cherish you, would put a restraining order against you ?lnjunctions should be used when someone is imminent danger of donestic abuse. To file one out of spite is just plain evil. My ex did it to make himself look like a victim in the divorce.
I know as a Christian I am suppose to forgive him. I admit that I still struggle with that one. The fact that he portrayed me as mentally ill and tried to put me in jail, that’s some serious stuff.
How can I forgive him for that?
Taralev. You will have difficult days. And yes, he does not miss you or what love you had. He is busy with his new supply.
Good luck.
I just wonder will he ever realize the mistake and pain he caused. He really looks at himself as a prize.
If he were normal he would already have regretted the pain he caused. He probably knows what he is doing and knows the pain he is causing, and he chooses to do it. He probably hid this part of his nature from you, so he could exploit you. It is incomprehensible. He will never care about anyone. If he did he would care about you. It did not bother him to lie to you and to exploit you.
My ex P told me once that he never bonded with his mother. A dear friend of mine pointed out to me that someone who doesn’t bond with his mom probably won’t bond with anyone. I don’t know about your situation and your ex, but the only way to deal with people who operate like they do is to avoid them completely. I am so sorry he did this to you. I pray that God steps in to comfort and to protect you. If you have time, check out the Bible account of Abigail. She was married to a real jerk, probably a spath, and God let him die right after he did some crappy stuff, and she went on to marry King David.
Tara-
Unfortunately, the answer to your question is “No.” First of all, lies, manipulation and betrayal behavior toward others is NEVER a mistake. It’s deliberate. And the only feelings he has toward the pain of another person is “power.”
Joyce
Joyce, thank you for answering clearly and directly. Your answer jumped out at me: ‘lies, manipulation and betrayal behavior… is never a mistake.’ I think I knew that, but never really thought it out. For the first several years of abuse by my ex P, I was in the fog thinking that my P’s behaviors couldn’t be real, must be a mistake, he couldn’t possibly be doing what he was doing on purpose. His word salads of denial, blame, accusations, and justifications kept me spinning. Eventually I figured out that HIS behaviors were deliberate, but I never really considered the obvious that it’s always deliberate in every case. Duh!
Your concise answer summarizes my ex P’s behavior so perfectly, speaking of tombstones and obituaries, it would be an absolutely perfect epithet for him.
Thank you. This concept completes a thought process for me that was yet unfinished. I’m not sure why, but it has significance to my understanding.
It just dawned on me that maybe what has been done to Tara isn’t horrible enough yet for her to see that NC is the only way to save herself. I pray this isn’t the case.
For me, the final discard skinned me alive. I tried to patch it up with two phone calls where acid was thrown on my raw flesh. After a few days of silence, he started with the emails, and I was sucked back in. They were condescending, patronizing, blaming, and were baiting me. After I responded carefully to two, he responded with one containing the sentence that made me go no contact and into self protection mode: You have a lot of bridges to rebuild and I don’t even know where to tell you to start. I started to write a response, saying I would get counseling, get on meds that I knew I didn’t need, and show him that everything would be fine. I caught myself before I sent it.
After that, the easiest part was being in self protective mode. Although he was 700 miles away, I watched out for him, because I instinctively knew that if I saw him, he’d suck me back in. In dealing with matters of the house, I took my attorney’s advice to the letter and let her deal with him. When he wanted his stuff out of the house, on her advice I moved it to a storage unit and she held the key. She alerted me when he was coming to pick up the key and that weekend (and several days after) I stayed in the house, away from the windows and waited it out.
None of this meant I wasn’t suffering, didn’t still love him and mourn pitifully for the life I had thought I had with him and our future, or wasn’t lost in pain. But I knew he had the power (and the desire) to destroy me. I knew what misery he had put the mother of his kids through legally and knew he could do it with me and the house and my attorney was up front with me on that. I knew if I said the wrong thing to him, he could come after me and make sure I spent whatever I had left on attorneys to protect me. I knew if he knew I had recovered anything, he’d come and take it.
So I stopped communicating with pretty much everyone…after I told them how broken I was and how I had lost even the pitiful job I had gotten (lie), in case it got back to him. I even let the attorney send him the bills for home repairs so he could refuse to pay them, to let him know how much it was costing me, all alone without him. I wanted him to know he had taken me down. I played dead.
Did anyone watch the 48 hours mystery the other day? A psychopathic woman got her 21 year old boyfriend to kill her innocent husband, and after she tried to kill him, he still loved her. He is in prison for most of his life, if not all. The police couldn’t figure out his blind loyalty. I could. Even after she shot him like three times, he was still thinking they would get married and be ok. A cautionary tale.
HanaleiMoon,
What you did about playing dead and making it look like you had nothing were really good ideas. Thank you for the good advice. I am planning to leave my husband but it is going much more slowly that I had hoped – trying to find a place for me and my pets to move to.
But I am starting to feed him information that will give the impression that I am not as good a deal as he thought I was. I am also playing gray rock. I wish I had done this much earlier during the times that he left me in the past. I competed to get him back – and now it will take more energy and more money to be free and safe. But I like how you handled your situation with making it look like you were dead in the water. Very smart.
I have followed your story and it helps me now that I am leaving a house that I really enjoyed living in. I am hoping to find a place where I can blossom, but I am feeling discouraged right now.
Anyway – great advice – thank you and best wishes.
OpalRose, I’m so glad that my sharing can help you!
Like you, I wish I had not fought to get him back after the mini-discards because at those times, my life was still intact and recovery would have been a breeze.
Leaving the house was harder for me than I expected. I keep telling myself it’s only been a short time and once I find my own place where I can blossom, it will all fade into the background, just as he has. The place I am in now is just a place for me and my own pets to stay in while we find our new forever home.
I have been feeling very discouraged and defeated myself the past few weeks, trying to get through this new transition as best I can. Most days I feel upside down.
I look over my shoulder and see how far I have come and know I will get through this too and will find my way.
Best wishes to you too!!
HanaleiMoon – thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate the idea of finding a decent place to go and then looking from there to find a home where I can fully recover and blossom. It doesn’t have to be perfect – just away from him and safe.
I have come a very long ways too – and I am so grateful to have made the decision to leave. I send you lots of support for this transition !
Omg Hanaleimoom!
Acid? It was suggested that my spath was responsible for using acid to harm his previous family. I now think it may be true…
You are a brave girl and give me reason to stop focusing on my problems and move my thoughts towards a better feeling place.
You are strong girl! ♥
ironic, acid was just a figure of speech…he skinned me alive and then threw acid on the raw flesh…all with actions and words.
No real acid involved.
Can I ask what he may have done using acid?
I apologize for any confusion: there was no real acid.
I used the expression(s), he skinned me alive and then threw acid on the open wounds as equal to saying he added insult (the skinning) to injury (acid).
I was not literally skinned alive, and there was no literal acid thrown on me – it was a figure of speech, to illustrate how his actions and words made me feel.
Again, apologies.
AnnettePK
Someone (I can’t say that it was him) poured acid through a window over his son’s bed and all over the Window sill. It was suggested that my spath was trying to be seen as a hero because he came to the rescue and cleaned it all up and convinced his ex wife that he’d investigated it but came up with nothing – he is a policeman….
Ugh. That is so creepy. Whether he did it or not, weird sinister things like this seem to be associated with spaths. If you and his other ex suspect him, that is telling in itself.
From early in my ‘marriage’ I have intuited that my ex P would try to harm me physically, and later I felt that he may have harmed others in the past that I don’t know about. I am still vigilant because he would gain financially if I died and the alimony payments stopped. I have never been suspicious of anyone else in this way; I am generally too trusting. I feel strongly that he has the potential to kill or harm someone physically if he could get away with it. It creeps me out, and I would very much like to know what he has done.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It sounds like you were using the gray rock technique to make yourself seem too broken to be desirable to the P, and make him think you had nothing to offer him. Did it work that way that he quit trying to lure you in again?
I didn’t see the 48 hours program; but I can say that my ex P used hypnotic techniques and subconscious suggestions on me to control me and keep me from thinking straight.
HanaLei-
This man is a perfect example of a BETRAYAL BOND!
Joyce
Taralav, I’m thinking about you.
Don’t focus on resisting contacting him. Focus on something else completely different. What you focus on is what you get. In your case it will mean contacting him.
Taralev
One thing you can do is put your phone away. My son took it away from me last year when I kept responding and feeding into the ex. With every hour it gets easier, believe me. I can have my cell phone at work. So I would not take it with me of leave it in the car. So you don’t get tempted. And again, take it as a blessing that you are released from his abuse. Next year at this time you will look back and clearly see it as the best gift he gave to you. I still thank the little minion in my mind for freeing me. Without her he would still be lying to me.
I want to PAY any new gf the spath gets. Literally pay them to STAY WITH HIM. All he needs is the shinys. Anything shiny. No one stays 🙁
I was with him the longest of anyone he’d ever been with. Well that’s becuz I’m an adult and take a vow seriously…
I’d like to send him shiny mirrors and magnifying glasses to catch the sunlight and such LOL ~sigh~
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
I thought as you do at a time, maybe I can manipulate the situation and change his focus from me to someone else….
This of course didn’t work because I was the front for a whole other life, one that he could convince people that he was the normal one and perfect in my friends eyes.
With all the information I now have on this sociopath and what he is capable of, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. In a way I’m glad it was me and not one of my friends, they would never survive the craziness. Fingers crossed the universe rids this monster gene from the human race altogether, then no one suffers.
Taralev
I always thought about the same “will he ever realize what he did, the destruction if a marriage and family , the 20 years together?” From what I learned out of books and this website the answer is “no”. He will push it aside, blame me and just go in with his life in the search if new , fresh sexual supply. So I stopped wondering about it. In fact, I now think only of myself and my son. What he does, feels or not feels, where he lives and works, who he is with, if he gets married again. None of this is my concern anymore. I wish the same to you. Lots of prayers for you. Put your trust in God and he will be with you. Always.
Aintgonna, what has triggered this in you today? What have you been thinking and saying to yourself? Try saying different things, more positive things and while you say them hold your head up and put your shoulders back. How we hold ourselves can affect our thoughts.
You are a fabulous woman who had a bit of bad luck. You are doing so well to climb out of the sh*t of the psycho and narc. And to come here and help others with your wisdom. We all love your humour and I was thinking you should write the first book about narcs told in a humourous way. One already sold to me.
How can we help support you today?
You made me laugh! And then tears came in my eyes.
No one would believe the book if I wrote it. I have not told half the story of the spath, even on here. I have not read anyone’s story on here that encompasses the horrors of mine…as bad as ppl’s stories are. I just hope to myself ppl don’t tell all and I haven’t been with Lucifer himself.
That’s what the tears were for.
But you’ll go on my wall as my first unwritten book sold 🙂
gosh, what if someday I AM a famous writer? :0 lol
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
Do it! I’ll buy the second book ★
You might enjoy Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri. It’s not a total comedy, but she put in enough humor that I laughed out loud at parts of the book. And I was still pretty enmeshed with the P at the time.
Thanks for the tip! I’ll order that book today ★
Opal rose
It is so difficult to leave a house that you enjoy living it. I think the house was one of the main reason I never left this abudive marriage. Because I was so comfortable and content, I just took his lying and betrayals. Because I lovedmy house. I loved my so called “security” and the thought he would take care of me for the rest of my life. But deep inside I was miserable and looking back I did not have that security. Because in a blink of an eye it was all gone. Even though I lost my dream home, a lot of money and marital assets, I never regretted my decision to file for divorce. I would do things differently now. I would secretly build a financial “nest” and never tell him. I would never, ever contact the coworker /mistress. Because it was him who betrayed the family. I hope you have a good plan in place. How long have you been married?
I am at a good place in my life now, but going through a nasty divorce is financially and emotionally very draining. I survived it but it wAs not easy by any means. Prepare as much as possible.