UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
I look at my house as “temporary ” also. I know we will find that “forever” home for us and the pets one day. Losing my dream home was difficult for me too. But look how far we came. What if we still lived in our dream home and at the same time we are lied to and cheated on?
Like you, I should have never given him a second or third chance after I found those pictures. My counselor back then told me “it’s not just pictures, it’s cheating on the deepest level, and most likely they are having a full fledged affair. “. I did not want to believe her, but she was 100 percent right.
I am not sure why I tried to hold on to something that never existed. I can see it clearly now. But then I was in this fog of lies and crazy making.
Today someone told me that she admires me for being strong, courageous and powerful. One of the best compliments I ever got . 🙂 and that is how I want to remain. So something good came out of this nightmare.
You all give me the strength to just let my attachments to my stuff, assets, financial security, my home and my garden go.
Yesterday I decided it was time to put the house on the market and end this mess once and for all. Facing another year waiting for my husband to be jailed for his crime, waiting for the case to go to court was not helping me in anyway. At first I thought it was the easy way out – they cart him off to jail and its over but I can’t do another year with this man…
Thanks for inspiring me to stick with the decision to end it now – I just need to come up with a valid reason that he will buy without sending this into a war? He’s already lost his status in society, been stripped of his job, badge, gun, police car and police dog. If I strip him of the identity he switched to, as well, which is devoted husband and father (so he looks good in the eyes of the law) then I’m afraid he’ll become a killer….
Any suggestions?
Staying safe is most important. The most dangerous time for a woman is just after she leaves a relationship. You wrote that the Mosaic questionnaire indicated that there is danger of harm from him. Try to consider all the possible implications of any actions that you take. You might gather information, on the internet, reading books, consulting with a DV shelter or others. The Gift of Fear is a good book on the subject. There is a lot of good information out there about leaving a dangerous man safely.
Although a year seems like a long time, is there a way that you could take a trip or visit friends or relatives, and be away from him for some of that time, without it seeming permanent to him? Can you get away permanently without him knowing where you are going? Like a one way ticket to somewhere far away and remote, like Iceland or Greece or something? Maybe there is a DV shelter in another town that could help you plan a safe getaway.
With him being law enforcement and military, there is a bigger risk he will be violent. Without a job to distract him, he may have a lot of time to think about you and focus crazy thoughts on you.
Take care of yourself.
kaya48 – I know exactly what you mean. I love living in this house – we have been here 20 years and I enjoyed painting and landscaping. I really thought I could “shelter in place” and wait it out until I retired and then leave since we were planning to move then anyway. I also sometimes believed that once we both retired, his behavior would completely resolve since we would have more time for each other. But no – LF has taught me they never change. He will never change. Always restless, always trolling, always “busy.”
I got used to his “restless” behavior and just stayed busy with my own projects. Deep down, I was exhausted with all the chaos but I had my routines and they worked. So I completely understand about your staying and hoping and believing you would be taken care of.
I eventually found his profile on dating sites and found out about all the $$ going to illegal activities. In March this year, I discovered tons of information about his soliciting young prostitutes. That decided it for me. I also recently found an e-mail where he invited a prostitute to our house and ha plans for a party with all sorts of illegal drugs while I was at work. That put me into a total panic and I arranged with my workplace (bless them) to work from home on days that he is off work (Wednesdays and Fridays). He never did get to have his party – I passed my teleworking off as a new rule at work so that he had no idea I was the one who decided to stick to the house on his off days. So no illegal activities at the house while I am still in residence. I also contacted the police and they gave me a phone number to call for a “house check” if I am away from home and worried. I do travel some.
I am looking for a place to go and had a couple places fall through. I’m a bit tired but I will hang in there and keep trying – it’s a rollercoaster ride. I have a lawyer who is working with me to prepare to go No Contact. I had fantasies of asking the husband to move out, but I know he will turn on me and create huge issues and probably abuse me in every way, so I got over that fantasy. We have been married 32 years this July. My plan is to move out when he is not home and leave the separation agreement on the kitchen counter for him. I will not leave a forwarding address or have a phone number. No Contact.
I am in the middle of collecting information on all the finances. I have a retirement pension – he does not. So he will benefit from my hard earned money while he could not keep a job for any length of time. That really gets me. So it helps me for you to reassure me that even though I will lose material things, I will gain my freedom, my self respect and my opportunity to truly recover. I keep looking at those goals – freedom and recovery.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and example.
OpalRose, you sound like you have your head on straight and have a plan in place. I like it that you have a “team” (attorney and job) that are behind you. It sounds like you have calmly and quietly put things in place and I have no doubt that you will carry them out efficiently when it is time.
Losing material things is tough, but they are all replaceable and I have found that some of the things I thought were essentials I never even think about anymore. We will find sweet, modest homes that are just right for us and we will be living in peace.
Please keep us in the loop!
HanaleiMoon – thank you so much – yes – we will find the right homes for us and live in peace. I really appreciate help to stay focused on what really matters.
Just now, I am listening to someone’s lawn mower across the street. The dogs are under the couch and the cats are without food so I will have to go out soon. The TV is not on. There are no beer cans set up like trophies on the kitchen counter.
There are no secret phone calls. No folded-up pieces of paper with worrisome scribbles on them. No waiting for someone to come home in whatever drunken state he arrives.
I haven’t been called any bad names today, haven’t been lied to, and don’t have to wonder what special treat I have in store to find out that I was yesterday. I never answer the phone without the ID telling me who it is, and if it’s him I don’t pick up.
Once he was gone, I finally started to gain money instead of losing it, and while I’m approaching retirement age I will have to work because he bled me dry in every way imaginable. After thirty years of plush living on my dime, he’ll receive half my social security (so long as he doesn’t remarry before 60). It is STILL worth it, to be here today.
Hang on, ladies. We will die standing up inside, let that be our statement in history. Even if we fall in the making of our new lives, we will have been on our way toward something better. Many was the day (when I scrambled across a busy street during my escape, dropping panties into the roadway — when I cleaned a 1-bedroom apartment after giving him a series of lovely homes to trash — when I bid farewell to my dog’s grave at our longtime family home) that I thought, I can’t survive this!! and then thought, Please don’t let me die like this, let me be on my way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGMabBGydC0
ColoradoKathy
Big tick ★
ColoradoKathy – a big thank you for your post and the link. I’m so glad you are away from him. Take care.
I was in a motel room, he dropped me off after I’d flown across the continent, AGAIN, back to where he was. I HAD been standing out in the winter cold, pregnant, very very sick, having just flown ALLLL day, stuck on someone’s porch who wasnt there when they’d said they would be.
I called him for a ride, he wouldnt answer. i left messages, i am pregnant with YOUR child, that YOU wanted. i called the police for a ride somewhere. they wouldn’t help; i kid you not–it was NYs Eve and they probably figured I was drunk. I near hysteria. he finally answered and took me to the motel.
i sat in that room, utterly defeated. i was going to die–it didnt even bother me anymore–and i did not want to die in oregon. i wanted to die at home, well as close to home as i could. i was completely homeless at that point, due to the spath.
i called a few friends literally begging for airfare. u dont know me, but i have never begged in my life. it was 3 hrs ahead there in NY. the parties were in big swing. no one wanted to hear it. they had told me not to go.
finally i remembered…i had my christmas money from my dad!! (I could NOT think hardly) it was just enough to fly me home the next day…if i made it thru the night without killing myself…
i was afraid however, the spath would kill me. he WOULD HAVE already but he wanted that baby.
and just to make it more twilight zone, his gf called my phone as she knew i was coming back in town (of course he’d so kindly given my number to her well b4 this). he wouldnt answer HER either (it was all a bit much for him, and he was getting toasted i later foudn out)
she thought he had to be with me and i was bottomed out enough to talk to her. i usually ignored her. she gave me more little tidbits in her anger at him, SHE had just gotten back in town herself from a few days away at her dad’s lol
THAT i am alive today is a total GOD-THING.
IN
SPITE
OF
THE
SPATH
i lived
–and that baby is 9yo now.
i can totally relate to the Dont Let Me Die Like This.
i just didnt want to die THERE. that’s the only reason i lived thru the nite. THE ONLY REASON.
sometimes it doesnt need to make sense. sometimes whatever it takes is enough.
Just curious, why does he get some of your retirement pension? Couldn’t the separation agreement prevent him from having any rights to it, given that he didn’t work much, cheated, lied, got whores, and did other illegal stuff?
Hi AnnettePK – I think you are replying to me. The laws in my state divide assets. What sucks is that all inherited money is his alone – money from his mother and it’s a lot. Any pension is on the table to divide which is my earned money. As far as the courts are concerned, they only care about the finances. It doesn’t matter that he spends on illegal activities – which I find really, really frustrating.
In Ohio, a dissolution provides the opportunity to negotiate and I know he will never agree to sign away his rights to my money. He has to agree to the legal separation agreement and sign it. If it goes to divorce, the state law divides everything down the middle that is available which is my pension and the value of our house. I will have a VA disability rating upon retirement which is supposed to be off the table, but there have been cases in Ohio where it was decided that even that can be considered available funds for division.
It seriously does not make any sense to me and it seems that I should have the right to say no to my money going to him for illegal activities. I can prove everything but I’m told it doesn’t matter. These reality checks are really awful but I am determined to go and gain my freedom.
Thank you for explaining in detail. It seems so unjust. If he doesn’t have to share his inheritance, why should you have to share your pension. Would he lose the right to any assets from the marriage if he was convicted of the crimes he committed?
The separation agreement I have with my ex P is favorable to me from a legal standpoint, but of course nothing could make up for the damage he did to me and my son. My ex P signed it, probably because he feared his perversions and abuse would be exposed in court (although I don’t think that it would be allowed) and because he thought I would tear it up as I did 2 previously executed separation agreements when I was trying to make the ‘marriage’ work.
Opal rose, Hanalei
Yes I am very confident that we will find beautiful, modest , and most of all happy homes .opal rose, it sounds like you have a good plan in place. And what I have learned throughout this divorce. It is not always 50/50. Sometimes you are in a position where you get awarded more than him. Choose your attorney wisely. I talked to a few and paid 200$ for consults sometimes. But at the end I wanted a very zealous lawyer who is totally on my side. I remember talking to one his words were “I don’t understand you women, that’s what guys do in their 40’s, they cheat.” Did this lawyer really think I would pay him to represent me? I am thankful I found the lawyer I eventually retained.
It’s unbelievable your husband planned to have prostitutes in your house. How evil can they be ? That’s something my ex would have done. I found so many profiles on dating and porn sites. But magically they were all created by the computer. Ha.
I am glad I can be an inspiration for some on here. It really makes me happy. Best wishes to you. And please stay careful and on guard in your preparations. Leaving them blindsided is probably the best way to go. When I finally filed for divorce, the ex believed I did it as a way for him to come home. Yeah right. This time he was in a fog.
kaya48 – yes – he will be in a fog this time too. It has always been everything on his terms – everything. My leaving will be a narcissistic shock to him. So glad I will not be there to see it. I think I like my attorney although he seems focused on “negotiation.” So I will keep an eye on things as I go through this process. Take care and thank you again.
Opal rose
It’s a good thing you have a male attorney. Sometimes negotiations are not so bad. Going to full court trial is very draining and lengthy and sometimes do not produce good outcomes as it is all left up to the judge. My lawyer and I settled in our second mediation. But to get to this point it was extremely difficult and took a long time. What was beneficial to me was that my lawyer did all the talking and handled all the insults coming from the opposing party. I know it cost me a lot of money but it kept me sane and leveled . The ex was almost “paralyzed ” and unable to hurt me emotionally since everything went through my lawyer. And he was very familiar with things like that since he handles criminal defense cases also.
So I think you are on the right path. Keep us updated.
Oh – thank you for the clarification about the mediation / negotiation ! Now I think I understand better about working toward dissolution rather than a court trial for divorce. Your explanation makes sense to me – thanks so much ! I plan to have my lawyer be the only contact with my husband / husband’s lawyer. And I deliberately chose a male attorney with lots of experience because of the advice on LF. My husband D would try to flirt with and gaslight a female attorney. I cannot see him trying that with a male attorney – especially an older, experienced person. This attorney has helped other women go No Contact and that is what sold me on him during the interview with him. He knew that term when I said that was my plan.
So – thank you for the information – very appreciated. Take care.
Opal
Sounds like you are preparing well. Yes, my ex would have flirted and manipulated a female attorney without any question. That’s why he hired a female lawyer . I learned so much throughout this divorce. Once my ex wS hiding financials , so we had to file a motion. Well, the hearing was set and we caught the assigned judge (you keep the same judge till the end of the divorce) on one of his bad days. Within minutes the motion was denied and we basically got “thrown ” out if the court room. So it is beneficial to settle within mediation and case managements. I wish you the best with going forward. Believe me, it was the best decision I ever made. I know the ex left me but I still showed him that I cannot be destroyed. Instead all of a sudden I was in control. 🙂
Wow, I am just coming off a sociopath experience, and my story relates a lot to you LADY A,like her I moved right after college from the midwest to the east coast, starting a new life, things have been hard and I think I was just always surrounded by good people back home that it made me naive to the bigger inner city life where I am at now. At this very moment Im considering moving home after trying to make a life for myself in this eastcoast city for 14yrs. Two years ago I was in an up and down relationship for 5 years and became pregnant at the end of it, after 8months I miscarried from Pre Eclampsia. I went into a downward spiral, I should of moved home then. I have friends here but still just have this lonely feeling as Im in my mid 30’s and all my friends are hitched with kids. I met a Jamaican man, and it’s not that he is Jamaican, cause what he did anyone could of done, but it relates to this story because he was your typical “Im going to snare Americans for money Jamaican.” Boy did he feed off my loneliness, he probably could smell it through the phone the first time we talked. But he hid his true persona behind dreads and rasta chants. I am very into the culture and love reggae so this drew me to him. His sob story was that he was two years divorced. From the day I met him he wanted to come home with me over the holidays to meet my family, which I would find later he was great at making big plans for our future but never once followed through. But after reading some sociopathic signs they were all there: said I love you with in a week, wanted to move in with me after 2 months, gave me many praises, many calls a day, showering me with sweet nothings, the sultry stares(i always found this a little scary, but now I know it was one of the signs), helpful around my house, the list could go on. Then the disappearing came, the many new cell phones and change of numbers, the anger, he had a horrible habit of picking his skin which I think was a sign of anxiety for trying to keep all his lies straight. All of this after he moved in, I felt like I was trapped, eventually I kicked him out but we decided to stay together. I was so lonely, I thought I did something wrong which he was great at making me feel like. We went back and forth with break ups, especially after his many disappearing acts, but he would always leave things at my place to come back and see me. He had stalker tendencies and would show up randomly alot and I felt like I was being watched. My intuition was there, but I ignored and played it off like it was a cultural thing. Well jump to just four days ago I got a call from his FIANCE!!!! We were both livid and she broke through his phone and found other girls too. She was with him for three years, and gave him lots of financial support, he asked me a couple times, but I always said no, he would play it cool but always give me a lil guilt about it. He sought comforts from each of the women he saw in different ways. His previous marriage is a whole shabang of lies and cheating and dividing the family up to hate eachother so he came out the winner. I am so disgusted. So disgusted, can’t eat, and I all I can think of is how mad Im at the universe for letting me suffer through a late term miscarriage and then this, my whole last year was a lie. I have to find a way out of my lease and I am heavily considering leaving here, but I feel just like LADY A, I love my family and friends back home but it’s not as cultural and lively as this city, am I going to feel suffocated by strip malls and wal mart, but at the same time I just to need to heal from the past 3/4 yrs of my life, and take it easy, I am thinking big city life ain’t for me.
HopingToHeal,
I loved your post from yesterday. I will copy some of it here..
“Look at him for what he truly is. Not the moments you shared, not the life you thought you had. Look at him. He is a sorry excuse for a human. He is someone that would be an embarrassment to be with. He is cold hearted, mean, deceitful, immoral, unfaithful, irresponsible, insecure, overconfident, undependable, callous, perverted, untrustworthy and a habitual liar. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
You don’t want him. Tell yourself that. You don’t want him. You don’t want him.”
Your post has helped me immensely! It was a light bulb moment for me 🙂 I won’t think of the fake “good times” or how he made me believe that we were perfect for each other anymore. I will think of how gross he is!
Thank You,
DonnaS
please help me, after no contact for almost 8 months he wrote me a letter to explain his actions. I really need help in understanding this letter to see through it, to see him for what he is and what he has done to me.
My dearest xxx,
Let me first apologize for the heinous act I committed against you. I cheated, broke your trust, deceived
you and put you at risk. All of which were for my own self-fulfillment. And now you look to me for some
sort of explanation as to how I could destroy the wonderful relationship that we had prior to me taking
the trip.
For as long as I can remember, alcohol has been my Achilles heel. I had my first beer when I was 13, two
beer alongside a spaghetti dinner. I promptly threw up my dinner and never looked back. I was shy
and discovered that alcohol gave me the courage to shed that shyness if only for a few hours. But during
those few hours, I was 10 foot tall and bulletproof. I fought, I raised hell and I could sweet talk girls,
something I could not do otherwise. Alcohol has been a part of my social being for a long time. I met and
seduced you under the influence of alcohol.
Alcohol inhibits the ability to reason. You only see what’s ahead of you. In xxx, that’s all I saw,
someone who was in front of me and attracted to me and I forgot everything else around me. I forgot
you.
Now I am not 25 anymore and I can certainly apply reason to my choices. My cynicism does not allow
me to do that. I know we talked during this trip and as a certified schizophrenic I am able to separate the
distinctions and justify my actions as the decisions of two people. Only when those paths cross did the
worlds fall apart and all hell broke loose.
You once called me a sociopath and I am in agreement with your diagnosis. I am your worst nightmare
and I am so very sorry for having destroying your heart and faith. While alcohol might have fueled my
internal engine, it did not make the decisions for me. I don’t know what else to say. I love you and I
always will love you. I hope someday you can forgive me. I hope someday your heart will heal. I hope
someday you will love again. I hope someday you find someone who loves you with every ounce of their
being, the way you deserve. I hope for nothing but happiness for you.
I don’t know if your contemplating in writing him back or contacting him, if you are I would say don’t do it. Accept his apology, forgive him in time and send that forgiveness out into the universe…hold strong….it is tempting to contact him and see how he is doing but unfortunately from an outside place, this could be another way to con you back. good luck
Also, he doesn’t explain why has he waited 8 months to fake apologize and to offer nothing. If he cared about what he did and wanted to apologize for the sake of the relationship, he would have done so earlier, unless he had some experience that led to an epiphany of some kind.
He appears to be testing the waters with you to see what your response will be and if you have anything useful to him to offer. His communication probably has very little to do with you and how he feels about you, and a lot to do with him being bored or another ‘relationship’ ending or him needing a pastime.
I got a lot of communications from my ex P very similar to this. It is what is called ‘word salad’ where the spaths string together a bunch of words to make it seem like they are saying something, but they are saying nothing with any meaning. The overall purpose may be because he is bored, or he is trolling for a response from you, or he wants to keep you engaged with him even though he has nothing to say and nothing to offer.
The rambling is a sad exposition of the sickness of their minds and their motives. The most important thing he wrote and the part that is true is that he agrees that he’s a sociopath and that he is your worst nightmare. Completely absent is any sort of concern about his state, and any desire to change it (which is what makes a sociopath a sociopath – they don’t want to change, they like doing what they do). Also absent is any concern about how his behavior negatively affected you.
He really isn’t saying anything concrete, except that he loves you, which is probably a lie, because he is not doing any of the actions that a person would be doing if he loved you, which would probably include wanting to be with you, working on changing himself so that he can make you happy, doing everything he knows to do to enhance your well being, and feeling remorse for the things he did that harmed you.
He also said he hopes you find someone who loves you, blah blah blah. Well, if he really hopes that, he probably would have been the one to do it. Or if he is aware he’s incapable for whatever reason, how is writing this to you going to help you achieve this for yourself? If he was sincere, he’d keep his hopes for your happiness to himself, or at least in a short note, without the other stuff.
He goes on and on about his drinking problem in a vague way trying to imply and get you to conclude that he was not responsible for his choices. Rather than blaming alcohol, releasing him of any responsibility and stopping there, the rational conclusion you should make is if he isn’t in control of his choices, then it’s not possible for him to change.
He also blames schizophrenia, talking about 2 people, so I guess he is trying to get you to think that someone else besides him did the bad things he did, which is a common tactic of abusers.
He sort of implies that he can change when he says he’s older and can use reason (whatever that means), but then says his cynicism doesn’t allow him to do that (whatever that means). He blames cynicism for his clear choice not to apply the reason he capable of.
He asks for your forgiveness, but he hasn’t taken responsibility for anything specific he’s done to destroy your heart and faith. He does not offer to do whatever he can to restore your heart and faith, because he’s not sorry and he doesn’t care.
His confused lying rambling does not indicate remorse that leads to real change. It’s word salad and it has no real meaning, just like his life and his ‘relationships.’ There’s nothing to respond to because he hasn’t said anything.
I got so much practice translating my ex P’s lengthy frequent word salads that he tossed at me. You might write out a translations for yourself – what he really means.
Dear FallBackFriend,
You are my backup plan, my Plan B. You are never my first choice, I certainly never loved you but the new girl did not work out. I’m all alone again and this is a horrible thing for me! I am such a piece of shyt that now I will use you yet again. In case you have forgotten some of “the heinous act(s) I committed against you”, well let me list a few: “I cheated, broke your trust, deceived you and put you at risk.” And in case you’re at all confused–yes, yes, yes: “All of which were for my own self-fulfillment.”
I love me so much ~self-hug~, I need you to fill up space in my life till I find another fool who will let me abuse them. You people who are kind, loving and unselfish are just the sort of people who make me sick but are so great for ME. And it’s all about ME. ALWAYS.
I am a scum “for having destroying your heart and faith” becuz “While alcohol might have fueled my internal engine, it did not make the decisions for me.” That I do all on my own. I do it consciously. We both know that “I can certainly apply reason to my choices.” But instead, I pretend that there’s just something about me that “does not allow me to do that.” That way it’s not MY fault. It’s only yours for not being more accepting of my SICK,INHUMAN,DISORDERED personality. I totally concur with my diagnosis of schizo and your conclusion of spath. I am a sick bastard…”I am your worst nightmare”.
RUN
RUN NOW
RUN HARD
and never, ever look back.
I will always see you as my stupid, little back up plan
—and nothing more. Ever.
Perfect translation!!
Bravo, aint, Bravo! You nailed it.
Not their fault, always yours. Even through the sale of the house, when I had to decide to take an offer that caused me to lose all my investment (or else take the risk of when, and how low the next offer would be and all the while I would still be tied to him and the full expense of the house), I could imagine him smirking and saying, “I didn’t tell her to take that offer, it’s not my fault she lost all her money”. Yep.
Ain’t,
You made my day! You certainly have the gift of discernment in translating their thoughts. And you crack me up with your straight forward style. Thanks for the smile!
Sick@heart.,
I know you would love to believe his words, to soothe the pain in your heart. But as an outsider, just the words Sociopath and Schizophrenic are enough to tell you to STAY AWAY. By his own admission, he is a sorry excuse for a human. He uses and abuses people.
Who knows why he wrote this letter. I’m sure it’s like everyone else has advised…to manipulate you. He’s running out of options so he returns back to someone who is generous and loving. Someone who may fall for his lies.
You know who he is, you know what he does…..a leopard doesn’t change his spots. Once a loser…always a loser.
I hope you will stay safe in your world of NC. The devil is just looking for a crack in your armor so that he can exploit you again, Turn it over to God. Best wishes.
I don’t know if this helps, but after I miscarried at 8 months I had horrible guilt over it, I read this book radical self forgiveness. There was this activity in it to write 3 letters, just for yourself, you never send them, you burn/bury/or trash them after you’re done. Do one letter a day, and don’t wait more than 48 hours to write one.
#1. write to your perp from the victims standpoint, tell him how much he hurt you , don’t hold back, let him have it, retell your story.
#2. write to the perp but have compassion, try understanding why they did what they did or are still doing to you but still tell them it is imp that you are not letting them off the hook only cutting some slack
#3. write the letter using the situation from a different perspective to help show that what happened was divinely planned. He came into your life perform these acts not to you but for you-meaning nothing wrong ever really happened to you and nothing to forgive-so by reframing the story you are transforming the situation. He was a lesson for you to learn.
in the book they also say “forgiveness is a fake it until you make it” so in #2 & #3 you have to fake some feelings for it become your spiritual prayer.
If this sounds to much to do right now, completely understand, maybe hold onto it and do this activity when you’re ready. I remember I did it in the past and it did help, but again you are not ever sending these letters to him, you feel like your getting your voice heard when you write them, but then you release it and let it go. I hope this helps.
Sick@heart
Oh he is good! If he is a sociopath then don’t kick yourself for having to ask this question – I would have fallen for the same thing…
Now, sociopaths are born sociopaths! They have a missing chromosome, they are broken, a gene is switched on that no amount of therapy or drugs can fix…yet anyway (epigenetics may hold the key?) If he has been a sociopath in the past then he is one now and they are clever! A quick study! They can learn to manipulate you using genuine techniques they observe in others. If he is a path of any kind then don’t understand any circumstances contact him – even if it’s to call him out on the lie, this will end up as ammunition to a path!
Aw, how this must wrench your heart around, right?
Like other respondents, I think you should disregard the writing. It’s SAD. It’s AWFUL. It’s MISERABLE. But if you get back into it, there will be more sadness, awfulness and misery ahead.
Please know my heart aches for you today, I do understand…..
I am having such a bad and hard day. Yesterday him telling me now.he cheated because “I mentally abused him” for years. I never abused him..I loved him with all my heart and took care of him. He said because I called him a loser when he lied to me about where he worked..or lost his job. I know that’s not a nice thing to say to someone but I did not abuse him. I was lied to on a weekly basis. I am pulling myself apart..trying to self examine myself ..I am not perfect but I did do everything for him. Everything.
They are always the “victim”! Don’t pull yourself apart and take responsibility for his bad behavior.
I just try to understand..he is blaming me for the lies..saying he would have come back if I didn’t “expose” him. He wasn’t going to come back..he cheated. He went into his job and said he was a single dad. I just cant GRASP this..I cant..that I was duped the whole time
He is writing you these lies because he wants you to feel guilty, because he wants to justify to others his lying reasons for leaving you, and because he knows you will feel frustrated, crazy, more pain, and he enjoys making you feel that way. Sadly, he is probably saying the same BS about you to others to try and make himself look good.
He is blaming you for his behavior across the board, like he “would have done such and such” if you would have done something, blah blah blah. That way, everything he does is always your fault, no matter what. You cannot do anything to ‘help’ him and you cannot do anything to make him ‘happy’ to make the relationship work, because he doesn’t want it to work and he wants to blame it on you. It is the most insanity creating frustrating situation. My ex P did this to me and involved our minister, his family, his ‘friends’ and anyone else he could get on his ‘side.’
You can’t grasp it because he faked loving you, you loved who he said he was, it’s too horrible to sink in all at once, and you’re a nice person who doesn’t think in this way. Which is once of the reasons he exploited you. In the end, be glad you can’t understand such revolting mean horror.
Understanding why he makes the choices he does comes with understanding and believing his motivations, which are not for your well being, but for power, control, exploitation, abuse, whatever is in it for him, without any of the pride and satisfaction a good man gets from providing for and protecting and enhancing the well being of those he loves. He is a liar. The reason he lies is to get things he wants. He doesn’t care about you or anyone else.
For many of us, all we can do is let go, turn it over to God, and try to take the attitude, ‘Who cares what he is doing and why?’ which is easier said than done for sure.
He is now drip feeding you communications to keep you engaged, to keep you hanging on, and to prevent you from moving on, in case he wants to exploit you again at some future time.
Consider it might be easier for you to work out in your mind what happened to you and why, and to process your grief, if you didn’t read his communications. Do you have a friend you could trust to have them automatically forwarded to who could read them and let you know if there’s anything important you need to know, and who could keep them for the record?
You are doing a good job in working through your grief and pain. You are doing a great job in not responding to him. That is a big step, and you are doing that a whole lot better and a whole lot sooner in the process than I did. I am happy to know that you’ll suffer less in the long run and the sun will come out in your life sooner. I’m sure you will stop reading his messages when you are ready.
AnnettePK
I agree! Absolutely!
I also agree, absolutely!!
taralav, hang in there. You’re not losing your marbles. Stay strong and resist this nonsense.
The longer you do not respond to him, the more power you regain. Take back your power, please! — the Universe needs you.
Taralav – good morning. So glad you posted as I was wondering how you are doing. I went through the same phase you did – obsessing about the whole thing. You did everything you could and you are fine. He is a bottomless pit of need and greed and now using the pity play on you. Keep posting and getting the support you need today. I have to run out to work now, but I wanted to reach out to you and send you love and prayers.
Thank you Opalrose. I know there are things maybe I could have done better in the relationship..but I did not mentally abuse him. I was finding out a lie every other week or month…like when he would get up and pretend to go to work..and come back to the house once I was at work. He had lost his job and didn’t tell me. I had a right to know. Then his excuse for not telling me was that “he cant talk to me about things” and he was embaressed. So then I felt bad..and tried to console him. He just lied..and lied..
Thank you for your thoughts..
A lot of their accusations are projection, that is they project on us what they are doing. If you make a list of what he accuses you of, you will notice that he is the one who did these things. Him lying to you and blaming you for his lies is mentally abusing you.
Even if you DID ‘mentally abuse’ him, it doesn’t cause him to cheat. He should have come to you and explained whatever it was you were doing that was hurting him (nothing, in reality) so that you could change it for the sake of his well being.
Total BS.
the narc tried that bullshyt on me (total projection btw) I responded…i could have been Joan of Arc or Attila the Hun. I would not have affected YOUR behavior. Becuz it wasn’t about me. It was all YOU and your sick mind.
PERIOD.
how do we know this is true, taralav? becuz ANYthing you DID do, had no effect on the relationshit. there WAS nothing you could do to affect it.
he made DAMN sure of that, dont worry.
this whole sick situation is HIS
G
A
M
E
He is lying. He cheated because he wanted to cheat and he blames you because he wants to blame you. Other people’s behavior doesn’t cause them to cheat. His abuse of you for years didn’t cause you to cheat. There are men who really do have wives who are difficult or abusive, and who don’t happen to cheat. A man’s character or lack of it is why he cheats or doesn’t cheat.
Taralav,
Once, my marriage counselor was very frank with me. It hurt my feelings but it helped me. He was right and what he says applies to you right now. I hope you take this in the spirit in which I give it.
My counselor said ” When this began, you had no control. He did this to you.. But as it goes on, the blame shifts if you continue to allow him to hurt you. Now, you are choosing this for yourself. You are choosing to let him destroy you.”
We’ve all been in your shoes. You were blindsided by his betrayal. I understand. But now, you know who he is. You know what he says is a lie. You know he is manipulating and abusing you. Now that you understand, you are making a conscious choice to allow it. Please stop. Please! You can do it. You can block his number and his emails. Or refuse to open them. You can, I believe you are strong enough to do it..
You are too kind and loving to allow him to keep you in this despair. Every time you get momentum, he knocks you back down. Do you know why? For power! He’s got it made. Now he controls two women at once. And for you, he doesn’t even have to do anything to get that privilege.
I can say all this because I’ve been there. My counselor had to be strong and direct with me. I was blaming the Spath for something I could control. The evil things he did to me were out of my control and I DID NOT DESERVE THEM, Nothing I did would have changed them. But I did have control enough to stop it after I knew.
I didn’t do that soon enough and I paid a huge price for it. He almost completely destroyed me with mind games. Please don’t let that happen to you. You can do this. It’s tough…so tough, but you can do it!
I hope your day improves and your heart finds some peace. We all are in your corner!
HopingToHeal…PERFECT advice. When we were blind, it was their fault. Once we know and have knowledge and we still mingle with them, it is now our fault. There is no other way than to just get them out of our life.
I was there like everyone else here. I questioned and questioned and questioned…for four long years!!!! Finally, you just realize enough is enough. Let them go. Let them GO!! If they ever have a change of heart or any type of come to Jesus moment, they will either come back or at the very least, will apologize for the hurt they caused. Don’t count on it and don’t wait for it…pray about it and then release it.
I suggest this book to anyone who is looking for a relationship. I am reading it right now and I cannot put it down. It is one of the best books I have ever read. It is biblical so if you are not a Christian it may not be for you, but even if you are not a Christian, it is still some of the best advice I have ever read on finding a mate. It’s called The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas and he touches on things that people do NOT think about when they are dating someone and before they marry them. Infatuation only lasts from twelve to eighteen months…after that, you are facing the “real” person.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Sacred-Search-about-Marry/dp/1434704890
I just read some excerpts on line; it looks to be a good and useful read. Thanks.
AnnettePK…it’s wonderful and you are a Christian so you would really appreciate it. It would help so many people on this site also to know what to look for in a mate. We think we know, but we really don’t. We all get clouded by looks or charm or money or whatever. The book is not about who we marry, but why we marry and not all the “whys” like because of how much we love them or they love us or he or she was what I was always looking for or they are my soul mate…not any of that stuff. The “why” is so that two people can serve the Kingdom of God together. It’s about finding that person who can walk the Christian life with you and further God’s Kingdom. All that other stuff fades away…the sexual chemistry, looks, etc., but true character remains.
Tara and Hoping:
There’s an old saying: “Once, shame on you, twice, shame on me.”
The person who invented this comment, was not considering life with a sociopath, however, and did not understand the addictive attachment of love. Nor did they understand that in certain circumstances, they were blaming the victim.
Ever see news footage or photos of people struggling to be released from restraining rescue workers in order to pull their loved ones from a burning building or a drowning car? LOVE is the strongest bond known to man. It is so strong that we will put our own lives in grave danger in order to benefit our loved ones. It is fueled by BRAIN CHEMISTRY. And our “brain chemistry” continues to have its way with us even once we’re betrayed. This phenomenon is known as a BETRAYAL BOND.
People who are awakened by an act of betrayal are rarely cognizant that they are being compelled by the physical addiction that is taking place inside their brain. They experience all their longing as “love.” Their brain does what it’s supposed to do, cling them to their love interest, even though they are consciously aware that the person has harmed them. Once it’s established, the brain chemistry of a relationship does not discriminate between bad people and good people. Only our thought process can do that. Our brain chemistry and our thought process can be at odds with each other. And for many victims, their code of loyalty toward a loved one stands between recognition and an appropriate reaction.
This said, Hoping, I’m sure your therapist made that statement in order to shake you up and help you see the light. Here’s another way they could have done so that wouldn’t blame you, but that could have enabled you to see it for yourself…..
“Hoping, your loved one is a “sociopath.” Here’s what this means to you. He is incapable of loving you. He will never be capable of loving you. Everything you thought you knew about your relationship was a cruel misuse of your brain chemistry in order to connect you to him.
I know it is hard to give up hope on a relationship. Empathetic people have the brain chemistry and a code of conduct that bonds them with another person. Rest assured that the person you love has no such bonding ability and that will never change. It is imprinted in who they are.
You need to give yourself permission to walk away. You need to give yourself the knowledge that nothing you could ever do will make this situation different. You need to free yourself so you can find a person who is capable of investing the emotion in you that you invest in them. This person was not and never will be. And even if you are unable to find such a person, you will be far better off simply not having someone whose only interest in you is to “take from you” in your life.
The best way to free yourself from the hold this person has on your emotions is to stop communicating with them. Whenever you do, the chemistry in your brain that attaches you to them will start up again and make it even more difficult to walk away. It is as powerful, or more so, than any drug.
If you were a drug addict, you would know that refraining from drugs is the only cure. If you were an alcoholic, you would know that refraining from alcohol is your only cure. You are addicted to this man. Refraining from contact with him is your best chance for reclaiming your life.”
When I was 7 months pregnant with my son, the psychiatrist who was the marriage counselor my ex and I were seeing told me that my ex was a psychopath. Had it not been for the deep abiding connection I felt to protect my unborn baby, I may not have been capable of walking away. I thank the good lord that giving me my child, and giving me the wake-up call from the psychiatrist, was literally like knocking me upside my head with a two by four. It was the startling awakening I needed. I’d struggled through many years of deceptions and never once gave thought to the possibility of him being a psychopath. That the condition existed to make him an “emotional predator” never occurred to me until then. I simply felt compelled to forgive his transgressions, after-all, we loved each other, didn’t we? And wasn’t that what lovers are supposed to do?
Some people get that “ah hah” moment. For others, it takes a long, long time. No one should be faulted for their inability to impose a separation. They should be brought back to reality and emotionally supported. Babe Ruth did not hit winners every time he came up to bat. And people who attempt to impose NC can fail in their attempts. If the therapist lays blame on them, it’s time for a new therapist…. one who does a better job of getting the message across.
Joyce
A liar IS a loser, taralav. It’s OK to say so.
After this letter I tried to read between the lines and see if there was anything that I could use to harden my heart. This will be his 3rd time cheating on me that I “know” of after 6 years of being with him. This has been the longest time with no contact and to get this letter surprised me. When I read it …to me it seems as though he is not taking accountability for his actions…rather he is blaming alchol as to why he did it?
Sick@heart,
I’m sorry he was able to pull at your heart. He’s so disordered and is just grasping at straws to find something to fill the hole in his soul. He probably saw someone in a movie write a letter, or heard of a friend doing it. He thought, “hey, that might work for me”.
Sadly, they are never sincere, just manipulative.
My husband gave me a beautiful birthday card where he wrote the sweetest words declaring his love and appreciation for me. Two days later, he was in the arms of his new girlfriend at Mardi Gras. When I found out, I read that card over and over. I held onto every word, trying to prove to myself that he really cares. But it was just crap. He could have easily written the instructions of how to change a tire….they would have had the same emotion behind them.
They are always……ALWAYS……ALWAYS…..COVERING THEIR OWN A$$! It’s as simple as that.