UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
You are so right. I once made a list with what he accuses me if doing. Actually it was everything he was doing to me. They have to blame to justify. It’s their nature. They are like this and will never change. My ex wAnted to portray a living father , husband and successful family man. He was a liar and a cheater.
Taralev, I wish you would have not read his crap. What are you hoping for ? I wish you would not even look at what he writes. Isn’t he blaming you in every sentence? You had to accept the fact that he is gone with a new woman. Please let him go. You will not get any better if you are stuck in this stage. I know it might sound harsh. The only way I got better was to LET HIM GO AND NO CONTACT
He is feeding on your pain. He is gaining control over you and he enjoys every minute of it. Is that what you truly want ?
That is the hardest thing..i cant accept. I am trying to let go..but I am so confused and torn that as much as I write on here..i don’t understand. How he could be there for me in my siblings death and 2 weeks before leaving applying for a new place to live. It just does not make sense how he could be so mean and evil. He just tossed me like trash. He has no feeling how it hurts me no cares about if I live or die.
He is living..and happy. I am not. It is not fair
Tara! He can do that the same way mine signed the escrow papers on our dream home while he already had moved on to another woman and had no plans of moving into the house with me – it meant nothing to him, he has no conscience, no capacity to love, care or do the right thing. He is disordered. He doesn’t care how you feel.
I struggled to understand, couldn’t and then I accepted. Later, when I found this site and read some books, I understood. I can’t change it. It happened. And it happened to you too.
Only you can begin to live your life again…and listen to all of us – it is not over! It is different right now, but it is not over.
Dangit, TARA! This line of thinking is keeping you in the black hole. Do you not see that your pain renews itself every time you have a contact from him and you say the same things!? I did it too – and understand how you feel. Please, please try to go NC like we all advice. This will begin to turn your life around. Have the strength and courage to do it for yourself.
It takes awhile to process it. It is an extreme shock. It’s unbelievable. You are doing a great job not responding and getting to work every day. You will get through this.
It’s not that important one way or the other, but he probably has never really lived or been happy. Consider whether you would like to have his life, to do what he does.
Life is not fair – that’s about the truest statement ever. Spaths have no sense of responsibility to others; their selfishness, callousness and pathological lying is over the top, out of the universe.
Consider allowing yourself to feel your pain for awhile. If you could just walk away and forget him in a week, you would not be a person of very much depth or comittment.
I totally agree with Annette’s post. If we were capable of erasing these people from our lives as easily as we ourselves were discarded, we’d be no better than they are. It’s only right that are suffering the loss of something that was real to us: we’re real people, with authentic emotions. We don’t switch gears in the middle of the stream because of qualities called Integrity, Faithfulness and Loyalty. Don’t leave home without them! — it’s not worth it.
He faked being there – if it had meaning to him he would not have left. Nothing means anything to him. Whatever he’s doing now was faked. He faked it with you because he knew what kept you engaged. It’s unbelievable, I know. You loved who he said he was. There is nothing wrong with you; he is the messed up one. You have the capacity to have good relationships, and you will.
Taralav, someone can only insult you if you accept it. Think of his blame as a tennis ball that he is batting into your court. Don’t hit the ball back (no contact) just walk away until it rolls out of the court. He then has to find new balls to hit at you. Ignore them too. He will get fed up that you don’t play ball.
Yes Taralev, it’s not fair. I thought the same when I was financially struggling while he was on a cruise in the Bahamas with her. It’s not fair. But there is nothing you can do about it . You can worry, you can cry , you can be in pain. I left it up to God. I know it’s easier said than done .
I still don’t understand what you think you might gain by him coming back to you? Could you ever trust him again, could you sleep next to him knowing he had sex with another woman? I sure did not want my ex back. Discarding me and our son was his choice. Divorcing his sorry a.. Was my choice.
Please focus on you. Not him. If he is happy with her let him be. You think a relationship that started on lies and betrayals will last ? No it won’t. And even if it does, it’s not your concern or problem. Please take my advice. I was wreck like you. And I survived. And I am honestly very happy now. Because I learned how to love being by myself, on my own, loving myself and my son and pets. Sometimes that’s more than plenty. It is for me.
Annette
You are absolutely right. There are ways to end a relationship or marriage. Colorado kathy stated it once how it should be done. These narcissistic men are not able to end it in a civil way because how would they blame then? I was devastated when I found out that my husband of almost 20 years was having an affair with a 20 something co worker. He should have ended our marriage if he was so attracted to her. Instead he made up the craziest lies and portrayed me as mentally ill. Even to out son. Fortunately my son knew his true face without the mask.Once he told my son” I think it would be better if your crazy mom is locked away for a while”. How can he make up such an absurd statement about his sons mother ? To me that’s evil. I don’t do business with satans demons and that’s exactly what he was.
Taralev , please ignore the devil and he will go away. If you communicate with him, you invite him into your life.
Good point, “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” in James I think. This is God’s promise to us.
Something that helped me with resisting contacting my ex P was that God tells us in 1 Cor 5:11, “not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.” Reviler means abuser, and extortioner means cheater. I came to realize that I don’t have a choice. God does not allow me to have contact with my ex P, as long as he continues to be abusive in every conversation we have and he continues to establish lies he’s told and to tell new ones. I want to choose to obey God’s instruction, which I believe is for my own good, more than I want to interact with my abuser.
Annette
I realized as I become stronger in my faith as a Christian, it becomes much easier to deal with evil. Do you know the story of Samson and Delilah ? I see so many Samsons and Delilah’s in comments and stories here on lovefraud.
Yes, I did resist the devil and he went away. It truly works. Taralev I wish you could see his true evilness. I know it takes months or years to realize it. But once you do and stay no contact then you can truly be healed. I keep praying for you to see the light and get out of this darkness he brings into your life.
God allows trials to make us stronger in faith and to grow spiritually.
I’ve read and studied Samson and Delilah, but I’m not picking up on the parallel you see, I’d love to hear it if you have time to share. My take on it was that Samson was kind of impetuous had some weaknesses that led him to disobey God and do things against God’s rules, like marry and carry on with pagan women. I think that Delilah tricked him for no good reason, and contributed to his downfall.
The story of Abigail inspired me when I was working to overcome my wrong responses to my ex P. I even thought of making a bumper sticker “Remember Abigail” as it was sort of a mantra for me at the time. She does the right thing in spite of the stress and harm caused to her and her family by the spath she was married to. God “struck” him and he died. King David appreciated her, especially her respectful advice to him which he heeded; and they got married.
Annette, when you come across writings in the Bible that refer to psychopaths, please can you share them. It is very interesting and helpful to read this.
I’m glad that it helps, and thank you for letting me know that you’re interested in more Bible references.
God and my faith is what got me through the spath experience, to the extent that I did the right thing according to my understanding of God’s will. I turned to the Bible to find answers, and I found a lot of material there that deals with spath motives and behaviors, which makes sense because the Bible is about the meaning of life and good and evil. I found in the Bible the best explanation for the spath behavior that I could ever find. I found instructions on how to deal with spaths, how to respond to them or not, and I found guidelines on how to think about and frame the experience in my mind. I found that God has understanding of the pain I was experiencing and how spaths hurt us. I also found a description of God’s plan for dealing with evil in the world.
I started taking an on-line theology course when things were very bad with the ex P. I could do the classwork on my laptop without getting out of bed even. I got so much out of it that I took another one, and then kept taking one class at a time.
Out of all the many philosophies and paradigms, I found the answers that worked for me in the Bible.
Bally,
I was noticing these Proverbs this morning, that describe spaths.
Fervent lips with a wicked heart Are like earthenware covered with silver dross.
He who hates, disguises it with his lips, And lays up deceit within himself;
When he speaks kindly, do not believe him, For there are seven abominations in his heart;
Though his hatred is covered by deceit, His wickedness will be revealed before the assembly.
Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, And he who rolls a stone will have it roll back on him.
A lying tongue hates those who are crushed by it, And a flattering mouth works ruin.
(Proverbs 26:23-28).
i need to get back to reading a proverbs everday & 5 psalms. such consolation in the books of wisdom. even ecclesiastes shows the end of the spath: vanity, vanity, all is vanity. —to those who hate all their life. to those for whom it would have been better to never be born.
Thank you Annette Kaya all of you- People like this should be locked away in a padded room for life. He is so evil I cant believe I spent my years with him! I cant believe this is what he turned out to be
Good point that he should be locked up where he can’t harm people. According to the Bible, Satan, who is the root cause of spath behavior, will be restrained. Rev 20:1-3 ….”He laid hold of the dragon, that serpent of old, who is the Devil and Satan, and bound him for a thousand years; and he cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal on him, so that he should deceive the nations no more ….”
ah, that old satan. proverbs talks about how we will be puzzled at the sight of him finally–a pathetic excuse of a being; and that we were afraid. (kinda like the spath once we have our eyes opened and can see him clearly)
WE, our unconverted souls, get us into much more trouble than lucifer. we deceive ourselves.
the most perfectly beautiful created being, who is nonetheless the most putrid, can deceive nations. but individually, we do the damage to ourselves…by not believing the Truth about who we are in Christ and what Christ has done for us.
Aintgonna that is a brilliant way (in your pseudo letter) of explaining him crawling back. Keep it for your book in the chapter on “Boomeranging Back and Hoovering you up”.
He’s not even CRAWLING back. A truly repentant person would do that. Crawl back and BEG.
He’s strutting in, proudly; demanding. He’s yelling it, if only she’d hear it.
SICK
Hoping
You are so right. The devil is constantly looking for a crack in our armor. I have the best weapon there is and that is my faith in God. I, too, have found many answers in the bible and it helped me tremendously. Since I put my faith in Gods hands, everything turned out fine. No, he did not give me my husband back, for which I originally prayed. God took him away so I can have peace. It was Gods plan. Satan put a Delilah in my ex’as path in firm if the sexy co worker. My ex being an atheist if course could not resist temptation and fell for it. It was my blessing that he left to live with her. Now, he is her problem.
Taralev
Yes it’s all up to you now. You know who he is, what he done to you. My marriage counselor once said “I cannot help you unless you divorce him”. I thought she was out if her mind. She was right. He even went a few times and she saw right through him, his lies and his b/s. When she asked him”why do you betray your wife on the deepest level ” his answer was “she is crazy , I only exchanged some bikini pictures with my co worker , nothing wrong with that”. See, he did not even realize what he was doing. And even in the presence of the counsellor he blamed me. The next time when I met her by myself she said “he us a narcissist , you must leave him, if you want to survive “. Please take all our advice. Get control of everything and start to heal.
Believe me, it was the hardest thing I ever did after being with him for over 20 years. But in reality I had no other choice. If I wanted to survive I had to file for divorce and I will never talk to him again as long as I am alive.
there are several ways of thinking that are not right (theyre called SPTs in drug rehab–stands for sabotaging patterns of thinking). ways of deflecting the blame. this is minimizing–>it was JUST some bikini picures…
and to top it off, total denial–>NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
there’s also projection and deflection, even anger to change the path of the convo.
all are ways to not OWN IT URSELF.
becuz that would require change.
and that ain’t neva gonna happen.
Of course the bikini pics are a betrayal of the marriage and of his wife. But even if it was something trivial that upset her, a normal husband who cares about his wife’s feelings would focus on learning what he can do better so as not to offend her, even if it’s some little quirk that bothers her. He wouldn’t be arguing as to whether she’s upset or not – if something hurts her it hurt her and he doesn’t want to hurt her.
Oh my God aintgonnatakeitnomore, did that make me laugh so hard. Your translation of his letter was so perfect. I have cut and pasted it against his letter. Now instead of looking at his I shall look at yours.
Thank you so much. Sometimes we just need that “shake” to help us remain strong. And nope I am not going to respond. Why would I….He is a monster and I have a life now.
Hugs