UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Ain’t
I also found the emotional abuse and the “crazy making” worse than the actual affair and the other woman. Sometimes he twisted words and I questioned myself if I was really going crazy. One time he told me “I am so attracted to her ” and then 5 minutes later said he didn’t say that all. It was like a constant stage of craziness. Now, I feel like myself again. I don’t get nervous anymore when I am running late. I don’t have to worry about being lied to. It’s an amazing feeling of freedom that I forgot. The past 20 years I lived a lie, his lie. Taralev , I wish you would realize that he will never, ever take responsibility for his actions. He will always blame you and he will always have control over you because you are giving it to him. Don’t even read his crap.
Kaya-yes the crazy making is what he is doing .its terrible. I would never wish this pain on anyone. I wish it would all click in my head so I understood why he makes me feel its all my fault .I’m the reason he lied about where he worked. .and cheated. Its sick
Aintgonna,
Just checking how you are feeling today?
Taralav, any improvement?
Hi Bally, no ..for some reason I am really really bad and upset today. My life is moving on..and I am frozen in place. He is living his life..he is ok without me and doesn’t care if I am ok. Does not miss me..and I am just frozen. It is so hard to get dressed and brush my teeth and go to work. It is so hard. I feel so devalued.
i am quite stressed today. spent a literal hour trying to make almond-coconut butter in the food processor this morning. it should have taken 10 min tops. so im behind an hour almost. today is not a day i can do that. realy any day, now that im working, is a masterpiece of timeliness.
im not going to be able to deposit my check—which ive been waiting for, for 3 wks now—and therefore not pay my already overdue new credit card which they suspended due to non payt and i rly need turned on, yada yada yada
all becuz of one thing that put me behind.
and im getting more stressed every minute instead of calming down. i keep telling myself to and im not. its just worsening.
hate days like this.
aint – deep breaths – hang in there – I’m sending my support for your day.
its almost all due to my not having a CAR. im losing it!!!!
if i could do stuff when i needed
if i could not feel like im 15 and have some autonomy
if i could
if i could
if i COULD…
~sigh~
Not having transportation can be very isolating depending on where you live. Is there any other solution to getting around? Carpooling or hitching rides with a neighbor going where you’re going? A neighbor teen who would drive you around just for the price of gas and a little extra? Taxi rides? Expensive, but depending on how much you drive around, can be less than the cost, repairs and insurance of a car?
Just a few thoughts..
I feel your stress. Having PTSD leaves me intolerant of ‘little’ stressers. I have a very difficult time coping with days that go like yours (which seem to be a lot of my days…). I keep telling myself to try and enjoy every minute and not waste the time stressed, which gets a bit easier as I get older and see that time isn’t forever for me.
Hi everyone, I need some reinforcement today.
Last night, I met with my stupid, evil, Spath husband to talk about the divorce. Of course, he throws me off my game immediately by saying he’s not required to pay the house payment (which he is). His intention was to scare me, throw me off my game and then deflect the conversation away from the divorce. It worked. I tried to stay calm but he pushed me with hurtful words and then started blaming me…….and you all know where it went from there.
Why is it that even knowing what he is, I think I can have a reasonable conversation with him? He is a cruel, mean, heartless manipulator.
HopingToHeal – so sorry to hear of this latest interaction. I am planning to go No Contact with my husband and have *everything* taken care of through my lawyer. Absolutely no interaction with him at all. Spaths take over control immediately no matter the topic, no matter the supposed goal, no matter what. If there are ways that you can make yourself completely unavailable to him, that would be best for the practical aspects of your divorce and for you personally.
He is already trying to get out of paying the mortgage and then to turn the tables on you and start blaming you *again*….. Sounds so much like my husband which is why I am hoping you will go completely NC with him. I even asked my lawyer to not talk to D at all, but to do everything in writing (e-mail, pdfs, etc) as I know my husband will try to gaslight the lawyer.
Spaths take the focus off the task at hand and go right into the drama scenes. So sorry he is being himself – but that’s who he his. See if you can go completely NC and I am sending you good thoughts and prayers today to help you recover from a really rough experience.
Thanks OpalRose and Ain’t,
He’s dodging all of this and I thought I could get the ball rolling. You are so right….NC. I can’t ever get through to him, even if it’s something that will benefit him also. He cuts his own nose off to spite his face. Sad and stupid.
Thanks for the reminder. It’s what I needed
Ain’t , really sorry to hear what a bad day you are having. I wish I had something to offer as advice. Instead, how about something from the One who truly knows your pain. Deuteronomy 3:18. “8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Sometimes we are blinded by our troubles, but He is there. I’m praying that you feel His loving presence today. Sending hugs and thoughts of peace to both of you.
most definitely do not talk TO the disordered pukebag.
do it ALL thru ur lawyer.
ur paying the lawyer for this, to represent you. u cant handle the POS. yet. maybe ever. who cares? the sooner u forget him the better, as u well know 🙂
let the lawyer protect u also by dialoguing for u. its a win win for u.
no more loser. he’s gone. goodbye.
Hoping
My ex did the same. He stopped making the house payment. The judge said he is not concerned about houses or foreclosures. So he got away with not making the mortgage payment. You can ask for temporary relief through the court. I had to eventually sell the house. The court does not care about houses. At least in this state. Basically throughout divorce proceedings my ex got away with everything. But then he got hit with alimony and spousal support. He didn’t see that coming. The best is not to even discuss any divorce issues between him and you. Did you retain a lawyer? My lawyer did everything for me. I think it’s very wise. Because I wanted to be in control and not the evil.
Hoping. Divorcing a narcissist is a nightmare. Believe me. I hope you have the best attorney available. It was the battle of my life but in the end I won. 🙂
Ain’t
Sorry to hear about your day. I heard an interesting statement yesterday “don’t worry about anything , pray about everything”. I am trying to follow this. Worrying is almost an insult to God. So I don’t do it anymore.
Taralev
How is your day ?
Aint, what has been the trigger for this? What are you communicating to yourself? Hard as it may be some days, it is good to get a priority list written the night before with timescales. For example putting the cheque deposit as No. 1 on the list. Also when we are feeling really down we sometimes need direction off others as we cannot think for ourselves. Have you a friend to help you do this at the moment?
i have to rely on others for a car so i could not do the check first thing. its also in the city and its a 30 min drive one way. its not just down in town here.
i have no one helping me no, besides the fact my friend is letting me live here lol. she’s pretty much a mess tho herself. she was widowed a year ago and he was a bastid to boot. she thinks she misses him but its just the loss of the life they had. she is going back to school now too and working and letting her kids run ragged on her.
anyway. i can make plans but i rly have no control over anything it seems.
Aint, I understand having to rely on lifts is not ideal. You are right, we don’t have control over things. Only ourselves. I guess you will feel better when you strike things off the list
Bally
You are right. I made a list what I needed to accomplish after the divorce. Divorce is almost final but I am working on my list. It feels good to scratch of items. I accomplished buying a car, moving to a new home, working full time instead of part time, starting to pay of debt that I occurred since he left my son and I without money. You know I felt “paralyzed ” by fear last year. But in the end I just work triple hard to survive. He left me financially in ruin but I will survive. I know because I survived 20 years with him.
Sometimes I have bad days but they get less now. I don’t remember the last time I cried. It has been so long ago. I am not afraid of what’s to come. Already the court system has worked in my favor. I am ready for anything now.
I hope Taralev stopped communicating with him and I pray for all of you here who are having a tough time.
I’m sitting across from my date, scrutinizing his face and his hands as he talks on and on. He was a ladykiller in his day, I can tell. Dimples on both cheekes, incredible eyes, well shaped jaw. His scalp and facial hair are now completely white and his hair, while stick straight and full (an accomplishment for most men at 53) needs a good cut. He’s just too short tho; his arms and hands are smallish. I really like taller, longer-limbed men. I ponder if his lips will kiss well.
I just simply miss my ex.
I keep up my end of the convo, interjecting where appropriate, wondering if I could grow to like him. He’s stable and a dad of 4. He’s actually a hard worker and is connected to his family. Score, score, score. I shouldn’t just discard this one. He’s probably a great man, even if I disagree with some of his parenting choices”3 of kids live with him in their mid-late 20s FOR FREE.
The more I look at my date, throughout the evening as we sit there for almost 4 hours (he just talks and talks, like sheesh)”the more I miss”“and hate”“my ex. I know even as I sit there, thinking of my ex, that he is just the face to what I want”what I thot I had with him. I don’t really want my ex. I want to be attracted to someone. I want to care about someone. I want to be hooked. That rush of the drug called Love. That’s what I want.
This man I am not attracted to. My ex oozed attraction. He is not goodlooking really, although again, I could see how he was when younger. I have that gift-curse of seeing ppl as when youth was in bloom. I use to look at current pics of the ex and think to myself”wow, u are a freak, girl”“he is sooo not goodlooking lol. His eyes tho, always looked sad. HIS eyes are not the eyes of a spath, they are full of depth and not flat nor dead.
My date also starts stuttering about 30 minutes into our evening. I first think it’s nerves but then I know it’s stuttering. Weird it didn’t start right away. Maybe it’s only nerves that brings it out? Why is he so worried about impressing me? He’s dated alot of women from what he’s telling me about other dates. He doesn’t seem really desperate. What about me interests him so, as he states several times at the end. He really wants to see me again.
There’s nothing interesting about me. There’s nothing to my life lol
I lost it all.
I don’t care that he needs to tell 2 stories to explain every one story he tells. I don’t want to talk about me. There’s not much to say. I screw up everything I attempt. End of story. My life is so stressful ppl can’t even comprehend it and I don’t want to repulse them anyway lol.
I listen to him faintly stutter and then stop, for the rest of the evening. I don’t care that he does. It’s not bad at all. I have a friend who is almost dysgraphic at times and it’s distracting to the convo with her. AND the spath was a huge stutterer when younger and did speech therapy. He still would repeat whole thoughts and sentences tho when irritated or very excited. THAT was very irritating.
As we leave (and I’m so exhausted I wonder why I did not leave much earlier) he wants a goodnight kiss. I can see, now that we’re standing again, he has a huge gut. ICK. It was hidden by the table once we sat down and I blocked it”it’s a real-turnoff to me, hypocrite that I am (I have a fat tummy). But to keep my foot in the door, I say sure, and give him a quick one. He stutters as he asks and is shaking as I briefly meet his lips. SIGH this will be a hard one if I see him again. He just screams OLD to me. I’m old but I’m not. I’m sure I’m old to alot of ppl too lol
Am I really turned off tho? Or is it just that he’s not my ex? On the off chance it’s not my date, it’s that he’s not my dream”I don’t write off the whole nite.
Living after the narc”this is my life. Post-Trauma.
I love hearing your dating story. Reminds me of so many dates I’ve been on. I’ve not been impressed with anyone I’ve met on the dating sites, so I am just spending time with friends, dancing, and having my friends set me up with their friends for blind dates, or inviting them to events where we can meet. Events involving music – singing and dancing – are a good bet for me. I have a very good male friend who lives in my complex because he is my landlord’s brother. He came over a few years ago for a massage and fixed a lot of things in my place. Slowly, we have become friends and now we spend a lot of time together. I do not have a burning passion for him, and I don’t know if I could. But I do appreciate what a kind, caring man he is. He is always there for me. He is a great listener and a great friend. Because of his qualities, he is starting to grow on me. But I’m not too anxious to be in a relationship, as I’m still considering a move out of the country at some point. I’m just trying to develop friendships with men to see where it goes. If it goes nowhere past friendship, at least I have some good friends. I’m good with that. I gotta admit, I went through a … phase … last week. I think it’s because I was ovulating (I am still getting periods at 53 – ugh). I was really feeling seductive and wanting of a man. I had a salsa dance with one of my teachers and almost needed to smoke a cigarette afterwards (and I don’t smoke. lol). I get a lot of my need for attention met at the salsa or karaoke clubs.
I’ve found the casual approach with people I know or with whom I have common interests the best bet for me. The dating site dates have so much pressure, and I rarely find them attractive when I meet them.
<3 Loved your story! I really did!
dear Ain’t
give yourself time, I think the spath creates this idea in our head that we like a man who is adventurous, lurring/charming and maybe a little dose of all in good fun dangerous(but the spath is not good fun dangerous, he’s bad dangerous). We have this persona now that our type is not with the good guys and who put that there…the spath! Maybe journal about what type of man you like that would be HEALTHY for you and focus on those qualities. I think I have been one of those girls that wasn’t attracted to the nice guys…I want to change that. I don’t have plans on dating yet as my experience is so recent. However I do think if I get involved again, I am going to take it slow, really get to know him for awhile before we are ever intimate(another thing I always do wrong when I start a new relationship). Did your spath love bomb you at the beginning? Mine did and I think Im attracted to that idea of a fairytale romance where you fall in love at first sight(I watch to much bollywood, lol). I think I read it somewhere on here or it was in one of Donna’s video’s, most healthy relationships start with getting to know someone at a slow pace. Maybe give this guy some time, get to know him on the phone a little too. Go out with him in different settings, not just a diner, and see how you guys interact. Oh and I always compare my new dates to my ex’s,,,,not a good thing, lol. I hope this helps!