UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I simply want to spend time with someone occasionally on a shallow level. I don’t trust my feelings or choices. I want to be attracted to someone, not just physically but to their mind and I want him to think about me throughout the day. But I don’t want to be pushed.
I think I want something impossible. Esp as I age…more and more each day…
Ain’t, it would be so cool if you had a hobby that would just naturally put you in touch with men who had common interests. That way you could just have fun and enjoy people’s company without any pressure to see if every one is “the one.”
But I’m so glad I do have my friend Jay to go out with often. We have such a good time, and there’s never any pressure. He is my handyman and has come to the rescue several times when I needed something. I’m moving into a condo I just bought next week and he is helping me with the move. I make dinners for him and occasionally take him out to dinner if I can afford it, so it’s not one sided. Everyone should have a friend like that.
Yes, if I had interests. Right now Im depressed and i know for sure becuz it’s hard to get myself to cook even…i LOVE to cook. Its been hard to cook for weeks now. I waste food which makes me HATE MYSELF. i dont have the luxury of real grief like others do. i HAVE to stay on top of things as we live on such the razor-edge of the abyss.
ive often thot of taking a cooking class series and then meeting a guy who liked to cook, soooo cool. I took one class back about 20 yrs ago. It was ridiculously expensive. I couldn’t afford to do that lol
its hard to meet ppl at the grocery, library, church or park; oh wait, no its not but theyre all attached as they push around the kids in a cart lol
my friends, the few the spath didnt kill the friendship and they will never forgive me, are all married–no date prospects there. theyre all normal ppl with normal family who are married too. i used to be almost normal at one point lol Can You Imagine? ~gasp~ Hélène? Normal? :p
im not looking for The One, just someone to do stuff with and talk with. The One died when i was 25. This last relationshit made me accept that in finality. Which is good. But its sad too. I had accepted it then at still such a young age I tried again—and got with the spath. Strike 1. Then the narc came on the scene and strike 2. I cant do strike 3 cuz then i’d be OUT.
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
I found out tones of information about my spaths other life just over 3 years ago. I wouldn’t say I was shocked but I was in shock, if you know what I mean? …
I had to take time to reconcile this new person, to undo my fantasy man and realise the dysfunctional personality disorders I’d been convinced I’d had were on mine but his.
I was frozen in time, , unable to move forward. I was petrified that I’d attract an even more sinister version of the 3 relationshits I’d had because they progressively got worse with each one…
I’m grateful to have stayed in this relationshit to the bitter end – I have closure before moving forward, I know exactly what is going on and I know why I kept attracting this. I had to dig deep to find myself and any self worth but now trust my instincts without question!
My point….lol talk about waffle on! I’m so comfortable in my own skin now that I am finally looking forward to being on my own for the first time in my life. No attachments to partners – yippee! BUT, I do know that when I’m ready, I need to become what I want to attract – like energy attracts like energy! When you’re ready….
I was given closure with the narc too a few months ago. It was very very good. Closure is such a gift!
I got closure with the spath too as I was stuck with him for 3 yrs b4 he left. I was able to grieve with him there. Rly I had grieved it all out when i was discarded 5 yrs b4 that. we got back together after the discard but i was quickly got hard so that by 18 mos later i was done. HE figured out HE had been discarded by ME about 6 mos after he left. he was FURIOUS. aint life a bitch.
i have no regrets with that psycho. i did everything. i did it 5 times over just to make sure. there was nothing i did not try. it was not ME. it was ONLY HIS SICKO SICKNESS. asswipe.
so the narc was an upgrade. hell, ANYTHING would be an upgrade. the 7th level of Dante’s hell compared to the 8th level would be better, eh?
another reason why i fell so hard…so deep. he was my dream. screw him for being all a lie!
u know what else is rly funny ironic? ur in Australia and my BIL is there. when he was stationed in england in the air forces, his wife lived with my late husband’s family (my husband was still in high school at the time) so she could finish college. he called her one day and said, whoops im in love with someone here. so sorry. my future inlaws were furious. i remember going over there to see my then bf and carol would just be crying. she cried all nite my bf said. i thot my bf’s brother was a piece of shyt to do that to her!
they got back together and eventually emigrated to AUS. they divorced there and he’s with someone else, been married again like 20 yrs now.
but i stil think he’s a piece of shit. im sure the 2nd time was just as slimy as the first, but we werent over there in AUS and by that point my late husband had died anyway.
cheating men are slimeballs.
and AUS is tainted subconciously for me becuz of that. and now UR husband is such a spathtard. kinda makes me scared for Ozzies :p
Dear ain’t, so my married friends and attached friends all have friends that they want to set me up with on a blind date. I say “okay” enthusiastically because I consider it making another friend even if we don’t click. They also invite me to parties or events that don’t cost anything. Last night I was invited to hear a few of my friends perform music at a folk club that cost $1. (Unfortunately, I’m stuck at home packing this weekend. I feel like Cinderella who can’t go to the ball). I also have friends from Zumba who go out to karaoke every week. I drop in sometimes, and I’ve met a few interesting guys that way. One is the brother of one of my friends. If you’re finding there are absolutely no opportunities to go out and meet people, it might be the depression talking. I have found that when I’m radiating happiness and out there doing things I love like singing and dancing, men are just naturally drawn to me. On days I’m down and depressed, I tend to repel them for the most part. One of the reasons I enjoy hanging out with happy couples is that I get some of their joy vicariously just by basking in their happiness. I feel this is one of the secrets to being happy – enjoying others’ happiness and being happy “for” them. It used to make me depressed, but I now feel inspired by them.
Salsa has been like a giant Rorschach test. I can tell how good I’m feeling about myself by how I’m treated at the clubs. The better I am feeling about myself, the better they treat me. When I don’t feel great, even if I am dressed like a million dollars, no one will ask me to dance. It’s all projection.
Although I go through phases where I really crave a man physically, especially during certain times of the month, I am pretty much happy by myself. If I don’t have a particular man I’m hung up on, I don’t generally think about them at all, except how much fun it might be to dance with some at the salsa club. After I got over the last one in March, I was so relieved and grateful at how happy I felt not to have that longing and pining going on. I had broken my last addiction to a man. It had been non-stop romance addictions for about 4 years or more. Now I’m not addicted to anyone, but ironically, I have some wonderful men in my life as friends and who knows? I definitely get that male energy from them, even if they are not appropriate for me, not attractive to me, or involved in a relationship. I just enjoy the male energy. It’s just nice to get dressed up and go out and have a guy tell me how beautiful my dress is, etc. It makes me feel good. None of these things are dependent on me dating anyone. They just help me feel feminine and radiate that goddess energy that may eventually attract the right guy. And if not, no big deal.
I will be moving into a new condo next week. The things that occupy my mind are redecorating and remodeling. I’m very excited about this. Also, there are so many men at the hardware store, but this is not a main focus. Once I get my place in order and my finances settle down, I will start giving some serious thought to a career change. I do feel that the more I just become my real, empowered self, the higher a quality of people I will meet in general. I’ve made some of the most wonderful women friends in the past year. I just seek out interesting people in general, and I don’t limit it to men. I know that the more I’m out there in the world, the more opportunities there will be for me. I’m hoping to be at the point where men can pass in and out of my life, and if they are not right for me, I will be able to let go more easily.
well i dont think its depression talking to be realistic lol…i dont have contact with single appropriate-age men. even ppl at work, very rare the customers are, are married or young. when i worked at a gas station 5 yrs ago, i met all sorts of ppl. 1 guy was unattached after the spath left & thats how we got together. he’s still a friend and my kids love him dearly. he’s just not stable–works inconsistently etc. he never treated me like dirt tho. was actually pretty good to me :0
thats the only job ive had since i was in my early 20s where i had public contact or co-workers. its weird how that works for me lol
as i said i have no money for hobbies or interests. maybe some day i will. when im not raising kids alone anymore. that day will come, very quickly. ive done this b4 lol. they grow up BAM. these 2 are already half grown! amazing.
and shoot, that guy from friday nite thinks i am the CATS MEOW. he’s not even that good at love bombing and i dont think he means to be really. he’s just too cute lol
Here is a natural de-stressor–a hot bath!
The epsom salts contain magnesium and it will absorb through your skin to some degree. A great relaxer. And almost everyone is deficient in magnesium.
The baking soda is alkalizing you as it absorbs through your skin also and again that’s great as most everyone is too acidic. Good blood balancer.
I got this off an alternative healthcare website.
**Sweet Dreams Bath Recipe** (2x for a really big tub, like a home sunken jacuzzi)
2 cups Epsom salts
1 cup baking soda
10 drops essential oil of lavender (relaxant and smells so good)
Make the bath as hot as you can stand it right before bed. Dim the lights, light a candle, put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door and relax! Directly after your bath go to bed. You should be sufficiently relaxed to nod off quickly.
You can do this nightly if you want. Maybe experiment with other essential oils. I think I’d try patchouli. Just the smell would remind me of one of my favorite ppl 🙂
BENEFITS
• Improved detoxification through toxin elimination • Improved sleep • Relaxation of your nervous system promoting weight loss and lowering inflammation • Promotes an ideal pH for healing, detoxification and optimal cellular function • Passive exercise through increased circulation and heart rate • May even help to lower blood pressure and blood sugar levels
aint…thanks so much for this, I am going to try it!!
How are my friends on lovefraud today ? Taralev , how is your weekend ? I found an interesting statement :
“God guides us and blesses us in the real world ”“ his world ”“ not the world of our imagination. He gives us grace in the present moment ”“ not in the past (which is gone) or the future (which has not yet come ). One of the devils tactics is to try to get us to dwell in the past (through regret, or shame, or missing the “good old days”), or in the future (through fear or hope or wishful thinking), or our imagination (through anxiety or daydreams). Then we are no longer focused on God’s real world, in the present moment. The devil has moved us away from the place of grace and blessing. The devil loves to sow confusion. Our best weapon against lies, deception and confusion is to stand firm on God’s truth.
The devil cannot prevail against effective prayer. ”
I think this all makes sense to many of us. Wishing you a peaceful, serene and happy weekend.
Kaya It is ok, how about you? I really like your post..although I still am in this fog of pain and confusion. It seems like it will never ever go away. I was duped. Big time. I wasted almost all of my 30’s on someone who just tossed me out. And my child. And is living his live happy…no cares nothing.
I wasted half my 20s and most of my 30s grieving my late husband & raising 3 kids all alone with both families constantly giving me grief, let alone being supportive. WASTED my youth. I had no youth. NONE.
THEN i got with the spath.
U know what? theres worse things than being alone and having no life.
Theres living life with the spath.
Ur not now.
Ur free.
U just have to realize it.
And ur not even an old lady like i am. ur so young still. in 15 yrs will hear what im saying. remember me. you will understand then, how young u are now 🙂
Kaya, I’m here! Not thinking about psychopaths though for other things on my mind such as my partner is perhaps gay! But will leave that to a different website!
Bally
Thanks for the huge smile ★
I do think my spath is on the gay side too so let me know which blog that one belongs too?…
Bally…what??? You do have to tell us why you think this!!! I also thought my ex had gay tendencies.
???
Would I
Do it
Again?
If I had known
Then
What I know now,
Would I do it again?
I wonder what I would
Do differently?
I go through our history
With a fine-toothed comb.
Replay it
In my mind
Over and over
Again.
Would I do this?
Would I do that?
Would I keep doing this
Or that?
Would I be sure not
To do this
Or that?
Or would I do
Anything
At all?
If I knew then,
What I know
Now?
I pick
Myself apart.
If I didn’t
Do anything;
If I just turned,
And walked away;
My heart
Would still be safe
And in one piece.
Not crippled
And flawed.
My mind would be alert
And curious.
Not confused,
And numb,
And diseased.
I would feel relaxed
And rested;
Not anxiety-ridden
And exhausted.
I would be interested
And interesting.
Not introverted
And monotonous.
I would want to live;
Not die.
I would be alive,
Not dead.
I would be able
To love
And be loved.
I would be able
To desire,
And I would
Be desirable.
I would be confident;
Not insecure
And lost.
I would be happy
And cheerful;
Not cynical
And desperate.
I would be living,
Not in hell.
I would live in the present,
Not in the past;
Or in the future.
I would hope
And dream,
Not shut down
And tune-out.
I would appreciate
What I have,
Not revel
In self-pity.
My soul
Would be innocent
And intact.
Not shattered,
And lost
And damaged.
Would I
Do it
Again?
ds
6/22/2014
DonnaS
yes you would ♥
Aint
Never
Doing
It
A
G
A
I
N.
ive walked away from *several* now that just made me a little mad or irritated. SCREW THAT NOISE.
You wont do it again either, hon 🙂
(and i like ur poetry, i write poetry like that too. i used to call it grief poetry, but ive found all the poetry i write is this style)
Thank you Ain’t. I don’t seem to be able to write poetry unless I am grieving.
I too, don’t give men much slack, like I did him. One strike and their out! I’ve wasted enough time. And I still waste time grieving over him.
i dont think grief is ever a waste. we stop grieving wen we’re done and not b4.
its not a controllable thing. we dont think we will ever stop n then we realize one day we arent.
at least not rly.
It will be 5 months tomorrow, that he left. I am better than I was at first but not much, it seems. I feel like I have a big gaping hole in my heart & it makes it hard to breathe sometimes. I felt that way when my Mom died. At least the panic attacks have stopped, that was the worst.
How long has it been for you?
If only I could let it go, I know I would be better off. This is just so much different than your run of the mill break up. There are so many unanswered questions that I probably will never find the answers to and it is driving me crazy.
I enjoyed your writing, DonnaS, and agree that yes you would have done it again but will not do it in future.
I believe it is part of my path to have gone here and seen what I have, for whatever reason it is an element that I shouldn’t wish to have missed, but perceive as the seed of something that I could not otherwise have created. And even if all we do is simply survive this, our finest hours have been in the facing of it and our ability to endure anyway.
Thanks ColoradoKathy but it is hard to see any good in this. I always have been able to look on the bright side of failed relationships and things in general but this has really done a number on me. And I see no good in it, just pain and bitterness right now. I’m glad that you liked my poem.
Thanks Bally for checking in- It has been the same, very hard to do anything. I forced myself to go out with friends but that is just a short time fix. I need to fix long term what I am going to do to stop this hurt, pain, and numbness.
I don’t know if it will ever go away. He went out of his way to tell me his sisters engagement party was tis weekend. Normally I would have been invited to these types of things,im sure he brought “her”. It is just so heartbreaking. I try- I really try to get up and do something.
I just am frozen. debilitated. I was so duped and by now- it should be getting better but its not. The lies- the years I stuck by the lies- and loved him unconditionally and I was thrown in the trash.
I just don’t know how someone does it. I don’t think I will ever understand. He does not care if im alive or ok, nothing. I slept next to this man for 6 years and raised his youngest son with him. And I am nothing now. Nothing.
Taralev…
I’ve been reading your posts and can sense the despair you feel. I’m very sorry that this happened to you.
Like so many of us on this site, I, too, have gone through the anguish and pain of the ending of the relationship I had with a spath. I too, like you, could simply not understand how I could sleep next to him for almost four years only to have him drop me like a hot potato for someone else. I loved who I thought this man was, unconditionally, and he did this to me? I was devastated, to say the least.
It’s now been 2 1/2 years of healing and life is so very much better…and it will be for you, too.
I remember when each day was such a struggle…putting one foot in front of the other was a struggle….how was I ever going to get through this. So, I thought back to when I was in your shoes and how I pulled out of that.
I was lucky to be surrounded by very supportive family and friends. I had been seeking counseling when I suspected things were going wrong, and I continued that counseling with a man who I feel blessed to have in my corner. I cried, I wrote and felt the pain. I continued exercising as I’ve always done…and that helps immensely for me. I moved…2000 miles away to an area I always wanted to move to. Yes, the pain went with me, but it was easier to not be anywhere close to where he was. I joined a Woman’s Group where I was able to share my story….and have others share their stories with me. It was then I realized I was getting better…I saw some of my emotional strength coming back. In time, the pain was lessoning. I’ve always been a practicing Christian, but during this time I started becoming more spiritual…not a stand on your soapbox and preach spiritual, but just an inner sense of peace. I took my life back and have now healed to a much stronger and wiser version of me, I always say.
I know how you must feel, Taralev, I really, really do. I’ve been there. In fact, I believe that my ex spath is still with the woman he cheated on me with. But I no longer have any love for who I thought he was. I don’t look as her as being lucky to have him, because really, she is getting a liar, cheater and manipulator….all of which I never again want in my life.
Taralev….please stay strong. Try and take steps to get some help in moving forward. You will get through this…trust me, you will.
carolann
Taralev
Glad you are ok. I think you are at the stage when you realize what he really is. Like you I wasted my 20’s, 30’s and some of my 40’s with someone who did not deserve my love and compassion. I am fine, thanks for asking. I am waiting for the final judgment in my divorce. It will be a huge milestone for me. I always feared the unknown. But fear and worry really get us nowhere . It is what it is, we were lied to and cheated on and then thrown away. I finally accepted this and life is good now.
I hope you can do the same.
I’m having such a terrible time today. .he message me to say how happy he is to be away from me. I never did anything wrong to this man. I rip myself apart over and over again thinking what should I have done differently. I treated him good. .like gold..treated his children good. I never. Wanted this…never. he is doing what he wants he is slowly killing me
dear taralav
wow what a jerk, know that we are all on your side. How is he contacting you? I suggest that you change your email, block his phone number, change your phone number, do whatever you need to do to make sure he can’t contact you. Didn’t he just write a letter not to long ago where he apologized, it sounds like he is playing games with you again and it is important that you cut off all possible avenues of contact.
Are the kids from a previous relationship he had? If so, you might to cut off all contact with them too, I know they are innocent in this and you may have grown to love them, but at this point you need to love yourself first and have no contact with him. You must feel like responding, but don’t!
It has only been a little over a week for me since I left my spath but we have had no contact. You are not alone, today I felt like texting him and telling him off again, but then I thought when would the vicious cycle end and he will just respond with something nastier making me feel even worse about myself. Hold strong, please change your email, your phone, whatever you have to do. If he even writes a letter to your house, have a friend take the note and throw it out or burn the letter. You need to read nothing from this man! Praying for you and wishing you strength
thank you..yes he has 2 children from 2 other women. They are young, 6 and 11. I am really trying but I am pulled back in everyday
Taralev
Wow, this man (if you can call him that) is plain evil. Can you see how he is stabbing you in the heart ? It’s not enough that he hurt you, he wants to inflict more and more and deeper pain. Just like my ex. He always wanted to show me that he was having sex with the co worker. After he left he had pharmacy statements sent to me on purpose so I can see that he regularly picks up his Viagra. You know what, the h….with them. Please don’t respond. Today in my church service the pastor was talking about walking in sin. Please let him be. He is no good for you. It’s the devil trying to exaggerate your weaknesses. Let him be happy. Ignore him. Don’t respond. Don’t feed into it. You will see that no contact will so much aggravate him. He thinks he is some kind of God. And how dare do you ignore him. I honestly get so much pleasure out of ignoring my ex’s b/s. Because I am in control. And they hate that. Show him that you so much more than he thinks.
Praying for you b
Taralav….
You need to block his messages, block any social media from him…change your phone number if you have to. This guy is getting exactly what he wants…to get under your skin. This is very telling of the kind of man he truly is.
Have No Contact with him. Do not let him have the power here.
carolann