UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Kaya and Carolann-she put up new photos of them together. It’s killing me. I know I should not look but its hard not to. Hes lying to her about everything including his age. Its so sickening to me. I just don’t know why I can’t let it go
Taralav…
I understand what you’re going through. I did the same thing…and it will devastate you. Perhaps try to look at it like I mentioned in a previous post…
Would you now want a guy who lies, cheats and manipulates you as a partner? Would you want to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life, wondering if he’s being honest or not? I know I wouldn’t. Believe me when I say she is not getting a prize here….she’s getting exactly what you had; a liar, a cheater and a manipulator…good for her.
Taralav…I know this is all so extremely hurtful for you. But you deserve so much better than he could ever be. He wasn’t the guy you fell in love with. He simply played the game well and got exactly what he wanted…until he didn’t want it anymore.
Try not to look. Try to focus on your own healing. It’s difficult, I know. It will take time. Cry if you need to, live with the pain for awhile. But then do something good for you. Life will get better, it really will.
My thoughts are with you.
carolann
Tara, you MUST stop looking! It’s not your business, and it has nothing to do with you. It gives you no helpful information, no answers, no direction, it only gives you pain.
We have all been there, and we have all stopped looking. Of COURSE he lies about everything! Not your problem anymore…YAY!
Change your number, take a complete break from fb, nothing there you can’t live without. Become committed to YOU. Taking care of YOU. Stop doing things that you know will bring you nothing but pain.
String a few days together with no new pain and you will feel like a new person. You will have given your brain and nervous system a break to calm down and you might even think a few ratinal thoughts that are in your own best interest! Feeling no pain is a very, very good addiction.
Just try it just try it just try it just try it.
Taralev
Carol Ann is right. I used to do the same. Look her up on facebook and she would deliberately post pictures of their cruises, dinners, beach trips and so on. She would not include photos of him but she posted that stuff for me to see. You are doing what she or what they want you to do. Feeding into it, looking at it. My therapist asked me “why, why are you looking at their garbage, it will not change a thing. He is with her now and he does not give damn about you or your son. ” my pastor said “he is plain evil, stay away from his crap”. My friends and go workers said “he is an arrogant ass, he does not deserve your love”.
You know what, I did not listen. I self inflicted more pain. What will it take for you to stop looking at his photos and stop responding ?
For me it was the fact that he tried to put me in a mental institution, that he called me crazy, that he tried to put a restraining order against me.
SOMEONE WHO TRULY LOVES YOU WOULD NOT DO SUCH ACTS. They would protect you, cherish you and be there for you.
Please listen to us. You have no other choice than no contact.
I am so sorry he is doing this to you. But I was there, I survived, I remained strong and in control. I laugh about his pathetic begging to my son now. We ignore him and he went away. Just like the devil. Don’t engage with him or you invite evil into your living room. Your life.
Ditto all of the above, taralav. Everybody has done this. I’m guilty also of having driven around the block looking to see if “her” car was there for the overnight, and other totally unworthy stuff, so don’t feel bad about doing it — but do resist, because you deserve so much better. Anybody who messages you just in order to tell you they’re having a good time without you there, is intentionally trying to hurt you and enjoying their power to do so! so cut off the contact, and that will make your point better than anything you could possibly say.
I just wish he could understand how badly he ruined my faith in everything. I didn’t get out of bed yesterday at all. I can’t eat I justhave been dry heaving sick over it all. Why did I have to meet someone so evil and no feelings. He is just moved on. There is all there is to it. Moved on. And im here..just struggling
Yes, it is the worst. I’m so sorry that you’re suffering physical symptoms, too. It is not uncommon. I went for days without eating, too. Yes, it is sickening and nauseating. You were used by the worst kind of evil. Sadly, the world is full of evil, at every level.
I think you wrote that you are taking antidepressants? If so, you may want to check in with the MD who prescribed them to make sure that the way you’re feeling isn’t a negative reaction. Antidepressants sometimes make a person feel worse – they can cause strong negative emotional responses if they don’t agree with you.
You are doing a good job with your grief work. It’s not abnormal to spend a day in bed the first couple of weeks after a tragedy. On one hand, if you grieve wholeheartedly and allow yourself to feel the pain and to allow the unbelievable reality to sink in, you will get through it faster. On the other hand, if you focus too much on the pain, you will get stuck in it, focusing on nothing but recycling the tragedy. It’s a balance. If there is one or two little things you can do to begin rebuilding your life, try to make the effort to do something – even just a short walk outside. Spend some time thinking, making a list of things you can do for yourself, or just imagining yourself somewhere you like to be doing something you like to do, without the ex in your mind.
A good practical and understanding book that helped me is Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott. She experienced some tragic losses in her life and got through them. The book is about how to get over the loss in a balanced way and how to rebuild your life.
Annette it has been since February!! I haven’t felt better I get worse. He actually was gone in February but was coming back a few nights a week until April. I didn’t know he was cheating. It was not till then I was fully discarded.
Taralav…
So he left in February and decided to string you along at his convenience….what an idiot and a user. This happened to me, too. The spath I was with lived with me and was off seeing someone else months before it all ended. This, by the way, I didn’t find out about until a year of being apart. Whenever I suspected something, I’d ask and he would look me right in the eyes and deny it. They are masterful at their craft.
And like you, I felt sick, could not eat, lost weight and strength….looked gaunt…cried millions of tears, couldn’t focus. They do quite a number on us.
I agree with Annette in that it sounds like you haven’t gotten to the anger stage yet. I suspect when this happens you’ll start taking your power back. This entire ordeal is heart-wrenching, I know. But don’t go around it, over it or under it….work through it and you’ll come out much stronger and healthier!
Continue to write. Let us help you!
carolann
Tara ur meds are not working. You seem in crisis to me. Get help. NOW
Tara, I agree with aint that you are in crisis, and you do really need some outside help beyond what we can do here. Talk to your doctor about your meds, and I think you were seeing a therapist? Please increase your frequency of visits for awhile until you feel more able to handle life. Both of these helped me, especially my therapist – some weeks the hour with her was what got me through.
We have all been where you are. I wish I had a dollar for every time I thought “I wish he could understand what he did to me”. Eventually you will see that this kind of thinking is torture for you, since he is disordered, and you are hoping for a normal reaction from him that won’t come. In all honesty, if he came to you, contrite and apologized and said he understands how he tore your life apart, would it make any difference? Please understand that even though to you he has moved on without you, that there is no happy, peaceful, normal life for him or anyone that is with him – it is all a mirage, lies and pain.
I suspect a part of you thinks that if only he came back, all would be ok, and that kind of thinking makes us hang on. Some of us thought that too, I know I did. It would not make things ok, it would only postpone you going through all this again, after you became even more attached to him.
When I was discarded, I was completely alone with no support system and it was very, very difficult. I know you have a job, friends, and family to distract you. Please take advantage of these very wonderful blessings in your life to give you a break from the obsessive thinking.
I know you’re struggling, and that will continue for awhile, but it will start to get better if you take some of the suggestions we have offered you. Work to mitigate the future damage to your life due to him, and take charge of your healing. Please turn to your therapist and doctor this week and let them know that you are feeling despair and that it’s not getting better. Listen to them, and do what they suggest. It will help.
Taralav…I totally agree with Hanaleimoon. Get the additional help you need from your doctor and/or therapist. You need something to help you pull through this despair.
And this statement:
“I suspect a part of you thinks that if only he came back, all would be ok, and that kind of thinking makes us hang on. Some of us thought that too, I know I did. It would not make things ok, it would only postpone you going through all this again, after you became even more attached to him.”
Yes, I did that, too. Exactly right…it would only postpone your healing.
Please get the help you need now.
carolann
Taralev, a break-up with a sociopath is always much worse than with a normal person. I don’t know if you have been able to get angry yet. I think you’re still in the shock phase. Once you get really angry, you will start to feel better. Indeed, what kind of a monster would so glibly discard you then call you to rub it in your face? OMG, I would cut off every avenue of contact for this creep. I would not even give him the satisfaction of looking at his FB page. He doesn’t deserve one more second of your time.
And what’s up with all the ads on this page for a “Proven method to get your ex back?” I hope no one is falling for this nonsense.
Annette thanks so much for posting me the proverbs. So so true and accurate. It is really helpful and comforting to read this wisdom. Thanks for taking the time to share it. Much appreciated and much needed.
You’re welcome, and I’m glad it’s helpful to you. I’ll share more as I come across them.
Awesome Proverbs, Annette. I needed this reminder today. God always meets our needs 🙂 . Thanks!
Taralav, thanks for responding. Aintgonna and the ladies are all correct you may need a different medication to ease the pain. Please see your doctor immediately. And contact the help that Joyce Short provided to you.
Taralav,
Please, please, listen to your LF family. You need immediate help.
I’m serious in this suggestion, and others may disagree. But I think it might be time to think of going into some type of treatment . If I were you, I would seriously consider admitting myself to hospital in your area. You need some strong intervention! Take a medical leave of absence from work and go in for a week. I know it sounds drastic, but that is the point you are at. While your son is gone, do this. Don’t worry about anyone but yourself. You can pick up the pieces of your life after you at better.
Before you resist the thought. Think about it. You would be in a safe place with constant guidance. You will have the medical attention that you need, appropriate medication. And peace for a few days. Peace. Not alone. Peace in a place where they care for people who are suffering like you are. Peace.
Please consider it. You’ve had several huge blows in the last few years. You are in severe trauma. Let go of bills, duties, work…..let go and get help for yourself. We will help you figure out everything after you get out.
I hope this advice doesn’t offend you. You are NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE IN TRAUMA,
I’m praying hard for you today. And for our sister Ain’t. Hugs, hugs, hugs!
Taralav and HopingToHeal…that is a wonderful suggestion.
Taralav…to make you feel better, I considered this option many times…at least three times in the past four years. The only reason I did not do it is because I have self pay insurance and my deductible is $5,000 so I didn’t want to have a $5,000 hospital bill. But if I was working and had that type of insurance, I would have done it. It’s normally for a three day period and because you are admitting yourself, you can leave anytime. It’s only three days…think about it. Like HopingToHeal said, they can get you on track and monitor your meds and get you to a better please. Please at least consider this!
No it does not offend me..i have been thinking if I should..but he WANTS me to look crazy. I am not..i am just in complete shock and the more that I hear and see it just rips me apart.:(
Tara, just want to point out that in what you have written, you have included some sage wisdom:
“the more that I hear and see it just rips me apart”
Listen to your own wisdom!
If you don’t hear it or see it, the ripping apart and chaotic thinking will lessen. Be aware that hearing and seeing are dangerous triggers for you right now and it is in your best interest to protect yourself from them, as they truly put you in danger.
Taralev
All of us who are speaking to you are correct. Someone suggested in patient treatment. I am not sure about that, but since you are not going through a divorce or child custody issue, it might be an option for you.
I, as many of us did, held on to the crazy thinking of him coming home and everything is happy and shiny. Well even if he was to come back home, more lies , crazy making and betrayals.
You have to get to the stage of acceptance. You are stuck in the stage where you grief and feel sorry for yourself. I wish I could help you.
Praying for you. And please get yourself more outside help.
thank you Kaya yes..you describe it exactly. I am stuck.
Thank you- I called my dr because I think my medicine is just doing the backwards affect. I am going to try to see them tomorrow. I should feel better by now and I feel worse.
taralav…I am glad you called your doctor because sometimes antidepressants do have this effect, sometimes they can make us feel worse if you are not on the right one for you. Prozac is very good as well as Wellbutrin…I have heard. I was on Lexipro once for only about ten days and I thought I was either going to kill myself or someone else…it was awful! I stopped it immediately!
Good for you for taking steps to get the help you need, Taralav. You are getting wonderful advice from those of us on LF who have gone through this.
Please keep us posted! I think of you often.
carolann