UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralav, when we are in a dark hole we cannot think straight for ourselves. That is when we need the situational leadership of others. Please take the help of the professionals, they will give you direction and just put your trust in them. Do as they say to help yourself at this time.
Taralev
I was “stuck” for about 3-4 months. The stage you are in now. I know exactly how you feel. I was constantly thinking “why?” “How could it do that?” “What dies she have that I don’t “. Over and over, my thought were only about him.
Thinking back he did not deserve one minute of my time. I later found out what he was doing while I was missing him, grieving for him and feeling sorry for myself. Like I said during that time he had the time of his life with cruises, dinners , trips and so on. And all the while he was telling me how crazy I am, his I desperately need therapy, meds, in patient treatment and so on. He pushed me to really believe this about myself.
But one day , when I was in court for that restraining order and he was there, something happened. My lawyer had my son testify against in him. My lawyer said “this man is pure evil, he wants to destroy you.” This is when I realized that I have to cut of all contact if I wanted to survive , not in jail or a mental institution, survive as a free woman. I saw his ice cold eyes when he told the judge he did not want to drop the charges he filed against me , he wanted to go ahead with the hearing. The judge dismissed it all at the end but just the fact he would not drop it showed me he is out to destroy me.
I did file for divorce the next day. It was 4th of July but my lawyer prepared the petition regardless and he filed it the very next day. I finally had enough. I am not sure why I suddenly felt this empower strength but I had it. Totally had it.
Please take my story as an encouragement for you. I was scared and nervous but I pulled it of. And so can you. Is it painful ? Absolutely. But it’s the only choice I had.
Now, a year later, I don’t care who is sleeping with, if he gets married again , where he lives. Nothing. It does not interest me one bit.
I wish you strength and hope and my prayers are with you. I put in a special prayer request for you at my church.
Kaya, and all of you thank you for prayers..that really is all I have been doing is asking for strength to get out of this black hole of pain..it will be 6 months in July, but because he led me on so long..it really was only since April. He was coming home and telling me he loved me until April. Everyone thinks I should be improving..but no one but you all understand this is more then a normal breakup. This was a fake life..and love. I was duped..badly
Kaya, you are so right he did not deserve one minute of your time. I was thinking this same thing this morning – how many full days and weeks of my life were lost to being obsessed with him.
That time is lost forever.
When mine discarded me and left me with the full responsibility for the new house and was so, so cruel to me, my overwhelming feeling was that he wanted to destroy me. Of course I agonized over the loss of the relationship and missed the “concept” of him and the life we had, but I never missed HIM, if that makes any sense. My greater concern quickly turned into how I was going to save myself and salvage what I had left. I knew that if I let him back in, even in the smallest way, the danger of being destroyed was far too great.
Like you, I don’t care anymore. I did for awhile, hoping he would be prosecuted for what he had done to the women at work, but I realized even if he did, it wouldn’t change what had happened to me, or what my situation was. (Not to reduce their suffering, but those women at least got settlements from the company for their losses while I had no recourse to recover anything.)
My only business is me. If he ever tried to contact me in any way, I’d be as afraid as if I looked through the peephole and saw the devil standing there. Because that is how dangerous these monsters are. Clever and dangerous.
Hanaleimoom
Wise words my dear….thanks for reminding me that my only business is me ♥
Hanalei-i totally understand your comment..afraid to see the devil. The strange thing is I was so upset yesterday of the new ugly photo that surfaced of him and his new girl. .his eyes. I always thought he had weird eyes..you can’t see the pupil. They are black. But they looked creepy..my friend said sociopath eyes. Devil eyes
Tara-
Right now, you’re in a state that I call “bewilderment.”
It’s the point at which your conscious mind comprehends the heinous behavior you’ve endured, but your unconscious mind, that portion of your brain that is tied to your brain chemistry, , is fighting to do exactly what it was designed to do…. keep you attached.
Romantic love is an addiction. There are neurotransmitters that cleave you to your partner in a relationship. They are as strong, if not stronger, than alcohol or drugs. The tug of war raging in your overwhelmed brain is making you ill. And you need medication so that your conscious mind, the side that clearly sees him for the hideous person he is, can prevail. Anti-depressants can help us take control our brain power and enable your conscious mind to feel stronger.
Not every anti-depressant works well with everyone. Your doctor should be able to work with you to find one that makes you feel better.
Once your depression is stabilized, you’ll feel more energized to do the things that will get you back on track.
He no longer matters. He will never care how low he made you feel in any fashion other than taking pride over the harm he created. He is an evil man, and now, he is someone else’s problem, they just don’t know it yet. They will.
You were in the path of the tornado. It’s a selective tornado that only goes after folks with love, loyalty and forgiveness. He spotted yours and victimized you. Be proud that you were the loving sort of person who an emotionally disordered person would want. But the next time you are approached, you’ll be wiser and not take what the person says at face value.
Instead of lamenting your loss, try to celebrate how thoughtful and kindhearted you are. This man would not have gone after you if he did not analyze that you were capable of love and forgiveness. What this jerk did is not who you are. It is what happened to you.
Wishing you the best on your road to recovery!
Joyce
Thank you joyce..for your post and kind words. I agree im definitely in the state of bewilderment. Everything is so confusing still. .but im reading more and more on the disorder
Joyce fantastic advice.. That is exactly the answer, our mind is in conflict with itself for bonding purposes and for seeing danger/destruction in the person we are bonding with. And yes we must help the conscious mind be stronger than the uncounsious mind! Yes yes yes! Some of us who have the strength may even be able just to listen to it, to listen to its reason without medication now that we know what is going on in our mind. Thank you Joyce!
ok someone slap me real hard
the narc texted me this a.m. not knowing who i was. why was i in his phn if no label?
he asked even Could I pls ask who this is?
I ignored that and was surprised he did not txt again and that should have been a dead give away to him who i was indeed.
maybe he rly didnt know whose number it was?
well yes indeedy…i looked at my email just now and
BAM
theres an email from dating site that i have a message…from a Jimbo1063. SOOOO him. i cant believe it, i look at the profile.
yup, it is he. and yup he didnt know how else to get ahold of me lol what a tard.
and he looks like hell in his pic.
he’s broken up with the newest one. today in fact. how special to tell me first of anyone. arent i special?
YES DAMN’T
I AM
S.P.E.C.I.A.L.
and therefore i can not contact him.
i was soooo proud of myself for letting it go this a.m. with the txtg.
I am the strongest woman on earth i had just told myself about 30 min ago. I am serious. i resisted, and it wasnt too hard, to answer with anything but hello and then NADA.
AND I have a date tonite with the guy who’s gaga over me.
And now i am a quivering mess.
not becuz of his pic…i can see him in my mind if i want.
its the futility of it all.
i know he is dynamite on the hair trigger of explosion to me.
someone pls just slap me
Aint, you’re gonna be ok. You know you can feel the feelings and not act on them and you are in control. You rock!
Listen to a relaxation meditation on youtube, get ready for your date and have a nice time with no expectations. You’ve got this!
Oh yes, you’ve got this managed. I’d trust you with my whole life and everything in it. Take a deep breath, take another, then have a wonderful time tonight, you ARE special, courageous, wise and strong — so much so, that you attracted somebody who’s not. That’s ALL. Don’t make your whole life about it, or lose the qualities that attracted him either.
This is YOUR life, stop quivering and enjoy the ride (slap slap). Don’t be that ninny at the top of the Ferris Wheel, complaining that she wants to get back down. ENJOY the fact you can’t contact him! and are not responsible for the ruination he’s still creating now that you are free.
I think those high heels need to come out tonight, and take some extra time with the makeup too. Even if you’re just going to the McD’s, put your soul into your body and speak from your heart. The guy is gaga because you’re gagarific, and it IS a burden to be so cool! but somebody has to do it, and you’ve been elected. 🙂
awwww
we’re going mini golfing…no heels lol
THANK YOU
ive never been gagarific b4 :p
lol…I love reading your posts
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
SLAP! there….now you slap me back because I’ve been there honey!!!
Hanalei
Like you I could have had my ex and his little co worker minion fired from their jobs since they are police officers. I could have turned in the pictures they took on their shifts. But what good what come out of it? If would not change anything. The most important thing is that I got rid of him and he was ordered to pay alimony. I must think if myself and myself only. 🙂
good morning- another day..I am going to try my best to not let him get to me. I have not been sleeping much. I see my dr hopefully tommrow. I am so glad to have this site and all of you to talk to. This has been a life altering thing for me…I have never ever been thru this much pain or evil. Even in the death of a sibling..crazy right
Taralev
You are right. I think him discarding me and then “torturing” me with his little games was worth than the death of my father. And in no ways does the ex deserve a comparison to that. Never because my father was a person if love and integrity.
I still remember when my father was very sick with cancer and I received a phone call I should fly home as soon as possible. I broke down in tears over that. You know my ex said “come on, people die and go look in the morrow and see his you look like “. Of course I was crying. He had no empathy, no compassion , no love.
I ask myself , how did I live with “that ” for over 29 years? Because he had brainwashed, made me crazy and got me addicted to accepting and even liking his evilness .
Taralev, you escaped like me. I now look at it as the greatest blessing from God. He gave me my life back by taking him out of it.
To realize and accept that took me months but then once you see like it is, I promise you can finally breathe and enjoy every minute of your life. I don’t miss the lies and the craziness. For once my life is happy again. I wish the same for you.just try to make it one day at a time. It works. Today is my one year anniversary of no contact. I might celebrate with some wine tonight.
I am so sorry to hear about your father. Yes- looking back now that you said that..it brings something back for me. He was there for me when my sister died..but he did kind of act is was not that serious. My sister was 36…2 months after my sister passed…his 96 yr old grandmother died.
I did in no way try to make it seem one was less of a loss then the other..but I was in a stage of shock and grief..and Ireally was not there too much for him in the loss of his grandmother..whom we knew was going to die. My sisters was sudden. To this day- even last week..he says ” You were not there for me when she died it was all about you”
He picks things to blame me for..and seemed to make my sisters death not as major as it was.
I cant believe it is 1 year for you..that is really really good. I hope I am at that point..you should have wine for sure!!
If he were normal, he would not be accusing you of not being there for him. He would ask for your love and support when he was going through the loss of his grandmother. Perhaps he would ask you to watch his children while he goes to the funeral, or ask you to take time from your work or regular activities to spend extra time with him for comfort. He would have shared his memories of his grandmother with you and expected you to listen and care.He would ask for things from you that you are able to provide given your life circumstances and that make sense in the context of the passing of a 98 year old grandmother. Unless you walked away from him when he needed you, he’s just accusing you to justify his BS and because he gets a power rush from hurting your feelings.
How can it be your fault he didn’t attend the funeral if you didn’t do anything to prevent him from going? Was he trying to manipulate you into paying for the trip?
Of course there is a difference between the death of a young woman who’s life has been cut short prematurely, and the passing of someone who has lived a full and blessed life.
My ex P essentially did nothing but accusing and blaming me in similar ways. When I met him, he was accusing and blaming his first ex wife (although I asked him repeatedly not to talk about her), and he soon switched over to victimizing me.
It’s what they do; it’s what Psychopaths are. They are not delusional, they are not mentally ill in that way. They just do what they want to do; and they don’t happen to want to contribute to the well being of others nor do they want to tell the truth. They want to exploit and harm others and they want power, control and worship.
Taralev
Thanks. That a very sad your sister passed away at such a young age. I think there is a big difference when I person who has lived 90 or 97 years passes away compared to a young one. Yes, losing a family member is a huge loss.
My ex’s grandmother passed away, she was 98. He blamed me for not being able to go to New York for the funeral. I never said he could not go. I was not able to go because of my young son school schedule and we were 1400 miles away. I heard it for years “that I wasn’t there for him”.
They are all the same. Our stories could apply to one husband/boyfriend.
The only way I got where I am now is that I went no contact. He can’t get any reaction out if me at all. Emails, texts, phone call, seeing him in court. Nothing, don’t even look at him. To me he is disgusting and he is a pervert. I hope the little co worker will see if before 20 years are over. Then again who knows who is with. She might have already kicked him out. Not every woman will put up with his crap. But that’s none of my concern. He is gone. And I love it. You will be there. I promise. Just takes time.
Wow..yes my exs grandmothers funeral was in new York too..that is where his whole family is from
and theres no coming back
from cutting URSELF
on the jagged edge
–nickelback song lyrics
Its cutting ourselves when we stay; or put up with the spath’s sickness even while split. It’s cutting ourselves with that jagged edge and it won’t work. We won’t heal.
Until we take freedom and grasp it firmly.
Nothing’s worth losing our freedom.
Not the false stability, not the false security nor any of the facade of the spath.
We have to grab freedom and not let go.
and why didnt i die instead of him
those many yrs ago
why didnt i win
the victory he tasted
so long before me
becuz there is a reason
i must believe this
i must
otherwise all is chaos
we must know WE ARE HERE BY DESIGN
not accident
we are not leftovers from someone’s life
we
are
CHOSEN
good morning to everyone..hope you all are doing good. Rough night as normal..but trying to push thru. More blame..put on me by that jerk. I just need to be done. I am feeling a little better..so that is good for today
Thanks for saying howdy this morning. Good to hear from you, and so glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better.
Take care.
you have been sounding alot better lately 🙂
i hope you keep going up and not interact with him AT ALL.
are u finding something to do in the evenings? maybe even go to the library and look at some magazines. you’ll be around ppl and that might energize you a little. or it may not. different ppl need different impetuses. isolation is the worst possible thing for me.
you could go just walk around the mall and ppl watch. that is low energy. i would go into barnes and noble and skim thru bks while sitting in a chair. i watched the little kids especially. gave me something to do.
you could go for a short walk around a pretty park and sit by a flower garden and just relax in the outdoors.
you dont have to interact with ppl if u dont want, but getting out of the house mite help.
It’s wonderful to hear from you, taralav! It IS normal to have rough nights, good for you to recognize that!! in exchange for which you will have better nights ahead. I promise.
The blame being put on you has a name. It’s a form of abuse.
Be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself! When someone we have loved chooses to abuse us in exchange, it is a basic unfairness that should feel like crap. The fact that it does is a sign that you are OK.
Now…should we get together tonight, to go make some dudes feel like crap? The fact that idea doesn’t appeal to you also shows that you are OK. However, it does to me, my spath has driven me over the edge into madness…so I will be going out to predate alone. 🙂 Dibs the fat guy in the corner!–I am going to torment him til his eyeballs are hanging down in the shotglass. 🙂