UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Annette- MY ex..choked his ex wife. She told me..she wanted out of the relationship and cheated on him. She was just done with his lies. so when he found out, he choked her and forced himself on her. She was granted a 2 year restraining order and filed for divorce- which he refused for 2 years to sign
Sounds complicated and everyone not doing right. You probably heard his version of the story and it’s hard to know what to believe. Never an excuse for physical violence, though.
I did write a email to her..a very long one with so much truth that I think she should know. It is not mean at all, just all truth. My intent of sending it is not to break them up..i douobt she will even believe me at first. But at some point she will. I was going to have someone send it for me..via social network. I don’t want him coming back on me or trying to threaten me with orders…but I really want her to know the truth. he had lied to her about his age- how many siblings he has- and I want her to know about his violent past.
She has your email to fall back on when she needs it.
Dear LF friends, not sure where to post this. This seems like a good a place as any. 6 years after the devastating relationship that brought me to this site, I’m about to close on a beautiful condo this afternoon. My realtor and lender were phenomenal, and I had good friends supporting me every step of the way, including help with moving. I had none of these things 6 years ago. But here is the BEST part: I was packing my stuff and came across some old anti-depressants I used to take. I have kept them over the years “just in case”. On a really down day, I would take a quarter of one. Sometimes it would pick me up (I know you’re not supposed to take them like that). But I always kept them for those down days. Today I ran across a month’s supply. I just threw it out. I didn’t even hesitate. I will never need them again. It was the greatest feeling to know I finally kicked the depression that plagued me my whole life, before and after the spath. I no longer regard myself as a depressed or impaired person anymore or a victim. I don’t even identify as a survivor anymore. I have my issues like everyone else. But I have strengths, too, and I’m on a path on continuous growth and wellness.
This site was a very big part of my self-discovery, and it’s one of the few places I can come to talk about this. I wish you all peace and healing. I know you will all get there. I used to feel hopeless and despairing that things could ever change for me. If I can recover, anyone can. I am blessed to be a small part of anyone’s recovery here, because giving back to the community helps me with my healing, too.
I really liked reading this Stargazer. I hope someday I can be at the point where you are. I have been completely no contact for about 3 hours. I know it is a tiny step..but he is blocked and I am not unblocking him. He is trying to destroy me..hurt me more..and I really have no reason to communicate with him at all.
Your post gives me hope. I hope I am not A VICTIM FOREVER
Taralev, you will get there. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can tell you very wholeheartedly that there are great things out there in life for you. Some day you will be smiling and feeling like a load has been lifted. Once you break the addiction, there is so much technology out there for healing all the unconstructive parts of your life. When I say “technology”, I mean the different ways of thinking and looking at your life, your thoughts, and your beliefs, combined with various physical and spiritual exercises. Much of that technology is discussed right here on LF – this is actually a pretty enlightened place to hang out!
In the meantime, if you can tune into someone else’s joyful state and “wear” it as though it were your own, it WILL become your own. The universe doesn’t know the difference, so what you put your energy into will become your reality. (I hope I didn’t get too metaphysical). 🙂
In fact, if I were going to give you a homework assignment (which I would never do), it would be to sit down for a few minutes and, in spite of the intense pain you are going through, try to muster up a vision of a happy scene from the future, what you would be doing and how you would be feeling. Imagine what it would feel like to be free and lay down this huge burden of suffering. Like I said, the universe doesn’t know the difference – whether it is in your mind or manifested in reality. Therefore, this is a way to manifest this into reality.
I used to do this, but then I would have the thought….”but that would never happen for me” or “I have too many problems to have that”, etc. And now I do have many of the things I always imagined. It really helps to have happiness in the back of your mind somewhere if you want to be happy. Then, instead of your life being about pain, it can be about “what are the obstacles to my happiness? And how can I remove those obstacles?”
I will keep you in my thoughts during this dark night, my friend. 🙂 You WILL get there. First step is to stay away from the ex.
This is a Biblical truth. Not everything that’s truth is in the Bible, but everything that’s in there is TRUE 🙂
This is a verse about what you’re illustrating:
Romans 4:17ff
…even God…calls those things which be not *as though they were*
Our mouth is sooo powerful. Proverbs talks about the life or death we issue out of our own mouth, with our own tongue.
When you have no faith in YOU, Tara, turn to God and have faith in HIM.
Taralav, I think you are doing great, you are taking the necessary steps not to communicate with him anymore-no matter how small you may think they are they are HUGE! I have not communicated with my spath in 4 days, I asked him to leave our home almost 3weeks ago and he did but I think his thoughts were he would be back. I’m standing my ground no matter how many attempts he tries to reach me. He’s been calling everyday and I don’t have any plans on answering him. He even went as far as to send his ex-wife sister to my home to see if I was ok… REALLY!!! who does that… oh, a SOCIOPATH! he wanted them to think he was so concerned about me. This ploy was about him and trying to regain control & power over me. Whatever you do, don’t talk to him at all… avoid all contact with him. I’m so happy I did research and found this site, it has truly been a lifesaver for me and I know it will help you as well. Stay strong! Whenever he calls just remember all the terrible things he’s done and said to you.. that itself will keep you from responding to him. I’m happy I kept a diary for the past 11 months, I reflect back to it and it really helps me to stay strong and move on with my life without him. I plan to divorce him as soon as the 6months waiting period is over. I’m ready to live again! and I promise you, you will get thru this! You will not be a VICTIM to him or anyone else ever again!
I don’t think that is the case. He has told me he doesn’t want to speak with me..or see me. Hes twisted it . around like I am the bad person..I’ve done nothing to him. At all. He was cheating on me for months and months keeping me on a string. As soon as he had the new girl hooked he discarded me. So..I don’t think it bothers him …he is happy to not hear from me. I want it to bother him.
taralav, congratulations on your half-day no-contact retreat!
Have you sent your email to his new victim? If not, I hope you will hold off.
However, my real comment was about your expression, “he is happy to not hear from me.” Honey, he’s only happy because he’s thinking that you still want him. Once you let him know that you don’t, which you will by going NC, he won’t enjoy your silence. It WILL bother him. A LOT.
I don’t like the idea of sending an email to the new victim. Her running to him with it would be too great a risk for me to even consider it. In my case, my ex would have gone ballistic and retaliated against me, including legal action.
I agree with ColoradoKathy that going NC will bother him a lot, in fact, that is the only way to bother him.
Please consider that she will probably not respond to an email from you with gratitude, and will show/report it to him (I sure would have in the early days of love bombing) and it will cause you problems that you can’t even imagine.
Please take him seriously as a danger to your life and don’t poke him. I knew that instinctively and went so far NC and invisible as to not exist. Yes sir, anything you say sir, sure I’ll pay all the bills sir, no problem sir, you sure f’ed up my life sir, good job sir, it was all my fault sir, I was the bad person sir, and I got what I deserved sir. I let him think, as far as he knew, he won, to mitigate the horrors he would have unleashed on me if I gave him half a chance.
I know you want it to bother him. I really really do. I get it.
But you can’t.
You have to let it GO.
You will be the loser and he will win until you do.
Once you let go, he LOSES.
He loses you, he loses a shot at happiness, he loses a good life.
He was attracted to you BECUZ you have that life within you.
Don’t let him suck it out of you any longer. He’s a vampire and will suck you dry.
If you don’t let go.
Let
Go
…and find peace.
Further to Ain’tGonna’s advice is this (and please understand taralav, that when posting “to you” we are also really posting to ourselves, so if I sound like a “know it all” I am really lecturing Myself, in other words, ha).
If you bother him too much, he may do something more horrible to you. The point at which this occurs is a total Unknown and your insightful questions and continued research about the extent of his disorder are therefore well founded. The answer is that nobody knows better than you do, just how dangerous he is. How have you been feeling since he attacked you? Just about dead?
You have a son, right? Do you want to bet his mother’s life on being able to safely bother your ex partner? Does he want you to make that bet?
I can deeply understand your need to “bother” him to the level of understanding that he hurt you (not to mention his child, your child, his extended family and yours, mutual friends, and his employer) and shouldn’t have been able to get away with it. At the same time, there is an exquisitely sensitive balance to this because our partners are essentially UNbalanced, and are therefore prone to do OTHER incredible, unbelievable, jaw-dropping, astonishing things.
“Poking the devil” is a very good reference! so while I do like to sometimes joke around on these pages in hopes of provoking a grin to your lips, it’s really important that you “get the message” from this collective: what happened to you could get a lot worse and probably will, if you don’t really let him go.
Since our brains are hard-wired to develop and maintain relationships (especially sexual relationships, and those involving co-parenting), letting go will feel like an affirmative TASK, it is WORK to do it, so YES!!*** give yourself a gold star on the calendar for every day you succeed at that job.
Stargazer, congratulations on the condo! This brought tears to my eyes, because buying a home for myself again is my top priority.
I love that you say you don’t identify as a survivor anymore! Enjoy your new home! Yay!!!
Congratulations, Stargazer! Enjoy your spath-free new beginning, the rest of us are coming along as fast as we can get there. 🙂
Go, Go, ‘Gazer! 🙂
You go, girl
All the way. I see it for you!
Congratulations on 3 hours!!!! Keep counting the hours, days and minutes that belong to you. You can do this. If you slip up, don’t beat yourself up, just get back on track again.
Annette- I am not slipping up this time. This morning he threatened me..sent me a message and said if I contacted him or responded to his text he would go get a peace order. He has no grounds to do it this time..the last time was telephone missue when I caught him cheating. I did not even fight it in court I just agreed to it.
So- He is already waiting to try to ruin my life. He wants me to cry and beg ..so he can then say im bothering him and try to file a order.He wants me to look crazy. The only crazy thing is that I put up with him so long.
I am also a bit worried to send her the email..but she needs to know the truth. She can do what she wants with it. I just don’t want him or her to say im harassing them. I do not think one email would consituite as that.
You might let the email to her sit for a day or two before sending if you haven’t sent it yet, and make changes as you think of them. You are right to consider that your ex will try to make something out of it and use anything you say or do against you. He may consider it contact.
I wrote a lot of emails to my ex and others he involved and sometimes sent them and sometimes didn’t. In retrospect, I never regretted not sending one, but there were some I regretted sending. Keep in mind that you can always send her more information later, but if you say a lot of truth to her now, your ex may make it into a violation of the restraining order.
Only you know the whole situation and can make the call, but you might consider for now just sending her a ‘hello, I wish you every happiness; and if there is ever anything you want to ask me or talk to me about, I’d be happy to talk with you” or something short like that.
You might also consider not sending her anything now. She is probably not in immediate danger yet; and the most important person you are obligated to protect is you. It does seem like initiating contact with her now might not be good for you because it may result in him contacting you and/or legal trouble for you.
Consider waiting and keeping that email on hold; an opportunity to help her may open up to you later on. Right now is a stressful horrible time for you, and more interaction isn’t going to be good for you. From your standpoint, it’s an avenue of contact and all the pain and suffering that goes with it. It would be better for you if you’re not in a situation where you end up thinking, did she read it yet? what did she think? did she tell him? what does he think? what’s he going to do? etc. Better to keep the focus on you, not them, her, him.
Take care,
Taralev, just remember there are better things out there for you. You cannot have those things if you let the walking train wreck into your life.
Hugs,
Star
Thank you star- I am only 4 hours or so in to complete no contact…and I already want to text him and curse at him. there is no point to me doing that. He wants that. He wants me to cry and be sad…beg him to come home.
The only thing that eats me away ..is he is getting what he wants. To be rid of me..and be with his new victim. That is what I struggle with.
Congratulations on 4 hours!!!! You are moving onward. I wrote pages and pages and pages and then spent hours editing them, of emails telling my ex off and reviewing all the crap he did, and didn’t send them.I still have them somewhere and I feel like there’s a record, and somehow it made it easy to let go.
Can you get away over the weekend somewhere? Go to the beach or the mountains, or whatever you like to do? Take a train ride someplace and back?
I am actually getting away next week..i am so happy to be out of town ..actually with a friend who refered me to this site. I just need a few days away.
I hope you have as good a time as possible, and it’s a pleasant distraction for you.
They always win, because they’re playing a different game than we are. We are already winners, because we aren’t playing their game; we are living our lives.
That is 4 hours into your freedom, Taralev! You will have to feel the pain of withdrawal and go through the symptoms. There is no way around this. You WILL get through it. Don’t give in to the withdrawals. You are bigger than they are. There is something much much better waiting for you on the other side, my friend.
I am going to have withdrawl symptoms?
YES!!! you will, and it is normal to want to talk to him or see him but don’t give into it… Remember, he wants CONTROL of you and your emotions- stick close to your support system (friends/family)& LF site- don’t give into the withdraws. I’ve had them, Sunday was my last contact with him, he called wanting to know if his son’s shoes were at the house, later I found out that his son had his shoes on at church. ( the ones he called me about) he will try ANYTHING just to talk to you- its a game to see if he can manipulate your emotions.. that’s all and also a way to stay connected. Sociopaths are ruthless!
From the “nobody would stoop so low” column comes my ex, who called last year (from a bar) to tell me he had cancer and would be dead in six weeks.
I’m waiting….
Still waiting….
He will bury us all.
You are right, Lindsey, they “will try ANYTHING” period.
How disappointing after he got your hopes up…..
Ha Ha, Annette! 🙂
OK I confess I did go for it, at first: I checked on the insurance coverage like an idiot and offered to go to a doctor with him. What. A. Fool. Meanwhile one of the kids really is sick, so it’s especially tacky that he tried this.
Colorado K,
What you did to try and help him is a testimony to the kind and good person you are. That you believed him shows that you haven’t become overly jaded and mistrustful. I am over the top suspicious of people these days, I hope it will change.
Sorry that your child is sick. Yeah, spaths don’t like anyone else getting attention even if it’s because of illness.
Yes! You are going to get to a place that is so painful that you feel you can’t live without him. Just face the pain. That is the only way through it. I promise you, it WILL get better.
Taralev
You are doing good. 4 hours no contact. Please take everyone’s advice. He is threatening with a restraining order again. If the judge sees a second one it is very bad news for you. He as a victim can have you arrested and thrown in jail for any little mess up on the order. Don’t go there. Please believe me how serious those orders are.
Ain’t
I met my ex while he was stationed in Europe with the us army. And he now lives in southern Florida. FAr away from upstate New York. (So you are safe -lol).
Taralev
Why do you want it to bother him? He does not care. He left for a new girlfriend. You should take care of yourself and not worry about him. Who cares what he thinks or what bothers him? The only way you will remain no contact is to focus on you. Don’t beg him like I did. I was a complete idiot last year. I begged and cried until I realized that it won’t get me anywhere. As you know it can get you a restraining order like me. So take my advice. Leave him and the girlfriend alone. Focus on today only. The past us gone.
I hope you stay strong.
Kaya-i know I shouldn’t care but I DO want him to be bothered. He has.ruined so many months and wasted years. .who knows how much he really cheated on me. It makes me sick just thinking about it.it kills me inside. I already did my part of begging for him to tell me why he cheated on me. He told me I was pathetic.
The spaths pretty much just figure out what bothers us, what hurts their victims the most, and they do that. Since they don’t have any real motivational path, they switch around as it suits them, and they justify it with a bunch of word salad.
For me, the hardest thing is that other people don’t get it a lot of the time, and it’s difficult when the spath ‘wins’ ‘gets away with’ whatever he’s doing.
Congratulations stargazer. As hanalei that would bey next goal I achieved my first one with my divorce being final probably next week. You can be proud of yourself. We can all recover from the devastation. It might take awhile, but we will be ok.
Taralev,
I hope you take all of our stories of strength and survival and use to your knowledge. We all had to go no contact to heal and survive and go on. Since I went no contact (a few days was my one year anniversary ) this huge weight lifted of me. I can think better, breathe better and live better. And so can you. I will keep praying for you.