UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Ive gotten this far..but still bothered beyond belief. I wish I knew for sure he is.a sociopath or narcissistic. I feel like I need to Know if he truly has a disorder. .or am I just trying to convince myself he was.
He is what he does, no matter what anyone calls it. How you feel is the result of what he is and what he does. That is the litmus test. It is normal and natural that you want to understand and wrap your mind around it. Most of us have been there. It’s so awful it’s beyond understanding. Spaths don’t give us closure that the ending, through death or break up, that normal relationships have. It’s sad, but one can understand it. The spath discard is without closure, and it’s horribly crazy making.
You can’t just turn off caring about him on a dime, but as best you can try to gently move your focus on other things even if it’s just for a short time.
You’re doing so well.
Taralev
He is definetely a narcissist I would say and he seems to get a lot of enjoyment out of blaming and insulting you. He also put a restraining order against you while he plays victim. My lawyer diagnosed my ex with being a sociopath when he first met him in court. I know these attorneys have a lot of experience with people like him. Especially since my lawyer also handles criminal defense .
I think you should just let him go, let him be. I once read that begging and crying makes you looks like a weak person. I know how pathetic I was. Once he came home to pick up a few items before the no contact and I cooked him this huge meal. Then he returned to his little girlfriend. How stupid was that of me? I am not sure if you had that “I am done moment” yet? But you know you can only take it hour by hour, day by day.
The biggest “punishment” for you to inflict on him is totally ignoring him It’s my ex now who begs and sounds pathetic in his emails to his son. I don’t care about it anymore but a little part of me brings a smile to my face. How strangely these roles have reversed. A narcissist puts himself above God, he wants to be admired and worshipped. Not paying attention to him is the biggest slap in his face.
Kaya- yes I have had the moment. Today. When he threatened me again. .sent me a text message and said “dont even reply”. He was having his say.but telling me I could not respond. I told him he is disgusting and abusive and not to threaten me again. Then I blocked him. He does not feel bad.at all the hell I have been thru. I made his sons birthday invitations while he was screwing that girl. I continued to be good to his kids thinking he was being honest to me about her. Its horrible. That is why I need to let his victim know the truth.
He should be locked away in a padded cell for what he has done to me
Yes, he should be restrained for what he has done and to protect others. Sadly, it’s out of our control; in most cases we can’t make that happen. There’s a lot of injustice in this world. We can focus on ourselves and people who appreciate us, and use the influence we do have to make the world we can control a better place. Some things are out of our hands.
Haneli moon- he has no order on me and I have to let this girl know the truth. She has a right to know. .I am not doing it just yet. I am going to give it time. But he can’t do anything to me if I am not contacting him. It is for her to read and if she chooses to use what ive told her thats up to her. I have to let her know that he has been lying all along to her. She is a victim.
Tara, it has nothing to do with him having an order on you or not. Of course, you are free to contact anyone you wish, but even if there are no legal consequences, he will unleash hell on you in whatever way he choses to. Think carefully about the situation – yes, she is a victim but at the stage she is in, her loyalty is to him and you are an unstable woman who drove him away. Do you seriously think he’d react kindly to you “outing” him (which he will tell her is all a lie since you are clearly vindictive and unstable) and let it go with no retaliation to you. I don’t think so.
My ex bombarded me with stories of how unstable his first wife (the mother of his 3 kids that he was married to for maybe 15 years) was, and I believed him. After the discard, talking to one of his daughters who shared my situation with her mom, I found out that it was all a lie and she had experienced many of the same things (down to the same words being said) as I did. At the time, I thought I’d been saved so much pain if only she had contacted me and warned me, but I know in my heart that I’d have thought she was a nut, told him about it, and he would have made her life a living hell.
Trust Kaya and I when we say that he will unleash hell on you. He has already done his due diligence and everyone knows you are unstable and hysterical – you will have no credibility whatsoever.
I can’t stress enough that practicing invisibility is your safe haven. My attorney was straight with me and she was right – you can’t win with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath, and you can continue to fight because you are right and lose much much more, or you can accept the damage that has already been done and let him think he won.
Do NOT poke the devil. You will be sorry.
I am so relieved to learn that you have not launched the email or authorized anyone to send it along to her. Please don’t do it. It will backfire.
My mother received a telephone call in 1948 warning her about my father. She called the lady a bad name, and hung up on her. In 1952 she made a similar call herself. The lady hung up on her.
These outreaches never work out. Never. Ever. If my mother couldn’t make the call and keep that lady on the line, please don’t try to do it yourself, I can see the bloody cat-nail scratches on your face already. Save YOURSELF, not her. Write the email and DO send it … to yourself.
The man in her life is nothing but a jerk and that is what you are telling her, right? Right, so receive your own message, information, courage and insight. Read it, digest it, and believe every word! then do what you hoped the recipient would, forgeddaboud him.
Taralev
Hanalei is absolutely right. Do not contact this new woman in any way. Do not email , text, call or talk to her or see her. It will bring you huge legal consequences. Don’t do it. It might be tempting or you might get some revenge. In the long run you will face serious legal actions. You don’t know how he treats her (yet). She will tell him and all hell will break lose.
Even though we like to inform the new victim it is none of our responsibility. Not at this stage , not after he filed that restraining order. Any judge will take his or her side Leave it alone at this moment. Focus on you. Trust me. When I discovered his affair and told her that I knew, he became the most vicious and vindictive person I ever knew. Be careful And always think twice before you act. If you are not careful he will have you go to jail. And then he will be happy and satisfied.
Kaya-i am not sending it soon. I wrote what I had to say and the truth about so much he lied to her about. I was very nice I would never write anything threatening or anything. I will wait it out he can not do anything to me if I am not in contact with him. I am going to send to her and she will know he was lying to her the whole time
Taralev
You know what he is going to say to her “that crazy b…. She doesn’t know what she is talking about.” Do you really want that. My lawyer said “don’t ever engage in any conversation with the mistress/co worker/girlfriend”. She is not the problem. He discarded you. And he is with her. Just stay no contact and let them be together. What difference does it make if you tell her he is a liar. She probably knows it. I mean, look at my ex. She knew he wAs married with a family. She did not care. So she would never deserve a second of time. Remember don’t engaged in any conversation with the devil. She is his puppet and she will defend him.
I will promise to hold on to it..and not send it for now. I really do feel she needs to know. I am still no contact with him its been hours now. I hope I keep it tomorrow. .but I really have nothing else to say to him. He wants me to text or call..so he can threaten me. Hes so evil..I can’t wait to see karma unfold on him
Congratulations on making it this far. You can do this. That is how you will win. He wants you to be thinking about him, he wants you to contact him. That is the trap he has set for you. It is a war, and he is the enemy. It took me a long time to see that, because my ex P was so well disguised as a man who loved me. It’s difficult to recognize that he does not have my best interest at heart as he lied, but that he was and is out to exploit me, use me, harm me.
Emailing the OW at this stage may set you back to the beginning with No Contact. It probably will create all the problems for you that having contact causes: you’ll spend time wondering if she’s read it, told him, etc. It will naturally cause you to be focused on him.
It’s good that you want to warn her, but it is more likely to benefit her if you wait a bit. It could work out ok, she might be grateful and walk away from the spath. Sadly, it’s more likely that she’ll tell him and enter into a war against you with him.
Easier said than done, I know, having made similar mistakes myself.
So proud of you, dear, hang in there.
Yes he DOES want you to text or call. That’s why you won’t.
He IS evil, and Karma WILL unfold on him. One Hundred Percent likely. Nobody gets away with anything, I totally promise! and have lived long enough to see it circle around just like it’s supposed to, really I have.
In six months, he and his new victim will be sick of each other, and you will have recovered your strength and moved on. You’ll see him at the 7-Eleven and wonder what you ever saw in him, while you’ll look better than ever. THEN let them call you crazy, right?
“Revenge is a dish that tastes best cold.” Mmmmmm. Just imagine.
Taralav-
Kaya is 200% correct. If he has a restraining order against you, please DO NOT attempt to reach ANYONE who associates with him.
His new girlfriend will figure him out one of these days, or not, depending on how much of his bad behavior she’s willing to tolerate. She’s not your responsibility. And what she or he think of you is totally irrelevant at this point.
You have a life to recover. This jerk diminished you because he’s a creep. All you will get by discussing it with him is more cover-up from his seriously demented mind. And right now, his new girlfriend is just as taken with him as you once were. She will dismiss what you say, or worse, he’ll go after you for having said it. With a restraining order in place, you could put yourself in serious hot-water.
Part of you is clinging to “his” world and unable to truly break yourself free. You’re still caught up in caring about what he thinks and what he does. It’s Mother Nature hard at work to cleave you to him through your brain chemistry. The “knowing” part of your brain is telling you he’s no good. The chemical addiction is trying to pull you back in and keep you connected.
You need to focus on reality, not the chemical-induced longing that’s going on in your brain.
You can do this. And you’ll be free, with dignity, when you succeed.
Wishing you all the best!
Joyce
No I don’t have an order. .he initially got one when I caught him.cheating to protect him while he was building his relationship with her. Claimed telephone missue
Taralev
What makes you think that he would not put a new restraining order on you ? He has done it once, he will file another one. Believe me, those orders are very serious. He claimed telephone misuse the first time and the court granted him one. Just imagine if you contact the new girl what he would do. Like Hanalei said he would unleash all hell on you.
I am now where I don’t care anymore what he thinks it does. You need to get there. I think you have already improved. Focus on something. I was reading bible scriptures to help get through. Please don’t contact her. If I had the choice to do it over again. This is how I would handle it.
The day he left I would have started the no contact. Within 30 days I would have filed for divorce and had him served.
Ok I waited 3 months to file. Almost 2 months begging him. So that’s 5 months plus the 20 years with him wasted time.
At the end I came out a winner.
Kaya-yes I understand what you are saying. I am not sending anything right now. He cant put a order on me unless he has proof I have bothered him. In my state you have to show proof. Before he had calls from me. I told him today not to contact me…and I blocked him. I hope tomorrow goes ok. I have no reason to unblock him
Thank you Annette. I am just going to try each day at a time. I just can’t take him putting me down anymore. He cheated. .lied..discarded. and I asked him to come home. Please slap me
Naw this time you deserve a big hug instead: (___)
We have all done what you described, in more or less the same order, and sometimes multiple times.
Just now I am simmering myself! I hate the non-sequitur comments intended to provoke me, and can’t believe I just yesterday had to take another one. After decades, I have it down to rare contact, but here’s proof he can still get to me with a few collection of words.
Already carved into memory: “It is what it is.”
“What do you want me to say?” and now another winner…
“I can’t help how you feel.”
It’s like the caption to a comic-book car wreck with a bloody bicyclist lying under the engine. You can’t help how I FEEL? Like you didn’t just run me over?!!
With great fortune and after much time, I have at least learned to see the humor in the situation. Or maybe my spath is just so far off that it’s gotten funny. They say Love is Blind and it’s true that once “the shine is gone” they go back to looking like frogs.
What’s funniest is that he says this sort of thing within the context of trying to get back together with me (so that he can dump me again, you know the drill). So it’s as though he honestly does not appreciate that the way I feel has anything to do with his coming back. No, really!
Sounds so similar to the infuriating stuff my ex P said all the time. He actually said all three, especially the first 2 a lot.
They seem to keep coming back in some way, shape or form. They are difficult to get rid of for good. Driving a stake through Dracula’s heart comes to mind….
1.5 years out, and I am at a church state wide weekend campout, and a woman I’ve never met who recently began attending the ex P’s congregation said she wanted to talk to me about my ‘husband’ (we have a separation agreement which is final and equivalent to divorce in this state) and went on to berate me for leaving him, being unforgiving, having a poor attitude, for not doing enough to make the marriage work, and then for not divorcing him so he could be free. It was a synopsis of his accusations and blaming during our marriage. My PTSD was reactivated, it took all week for my nerves to settle down, I was very unproductive for several days. I politely corrected the outright lies the ex P had told the victim of his exploitation, and told her a lot of facts. At first she was pretty argumentative with me, I see the brainwashing. Turned out she is out of a 20 year marriage to an abusive lying cheating pervert, probably a sociopath, turned her children against her. A perfect victim for my ex P. By the end of several conversations we were hugging each other and talking about things other than the spaths, her ex or mine.
It hadn’t occurred to me until now, but I could be flattered he is telling people all about me. and I don’t think of him much….Seriously, it brought back to me how he was always going on and on about his first ex wife to me. That went on for at least a year or so.
He has nothing else to do but bad mouth others, no life, no character of his own.
I was going to write the same thing – I would give you a big hug.
I think you are doing great, you inspire me. I played into the spath’s hand for years before I ‘got it.’ My minister commented that I am endlessly forgiving and hopeful. He encouraged me to divorce the ex. My teenage son tried to explain reality to me, and I was about 6 months – a year behind my son in figuring out things. Son said he didn’t care, son said he was gay (turned out he isn’t hetero), son said ‘he wants to be God’ etc. etc.
If you can stay No Contact you will get through it sooner and easier, but there is no way out except through it.