UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Thanks Bally
I am glad that I was able to remain strong. My faith helped me tremendously. In the end my soon to be ex is the real looser. Through his actions and betrayals he lost his family. He lost the love and respect of his only child. He probably gained some monetary things but what is that compared to losing your family? He discarded me because I did not meet the standard of his narcissistic supply anymore. At first I blamed myself and had difficulties accepting it. I now know that the problem was him all along.
The pain he caused me stopped when I enforced the no contact. Divorcing him took the thorn out of my body which caused so much hurt. I am in control now and it feels great. I have peace and sanity and I thank God every day for taking him out of my life.
Kaya, a happy ending for you, well done on moving forward. Victims don’t realise at the time that being dumped by the psychopath is the best gift they could give us. My understanding is they can not stand the knowledge of our life being happier and more successful without them in it. Especially if they set us free to achieve it!
After a horrible 2 days of crying and just pain he sends a email to me..he called me a coward because I had blocked him from text message. He said he was going to come back and work it out if I had not told on him to his ex wife that he went out of town with his new girlfriend. He was irrate that I told his ex the truth because he lied to her about where he went and couldn’t get his son. But hsays he was going to come back and work out until I did that??no! He has a new girlfriend he was cheating on me this is just the type of comments he days to hurt me and make me pick apart my life with him and make me question everything. He said I always would pick fights with him and tell him he was no good. That is true because of the constant lies. I didn’t deserve to be discarded like that and cheated on. It makes me so sick he tells this new girl he loves her. I can’t believe my entire life with him was fake
You know I was called the same “pathetic” and also idiot. He was cheating with the co worker after bring married for almost 20 years. What opened my eyes was how coldly he could just walk away from his family. Not only me but also his son. Just like that. They have no conscience or empathy. They cannot see or feel your pain. It’s not possible. And they will blame you to justify their actions.
I used to ask him over and over “why”? You know what, you will never get an explanation or reason. So don’t even ask “why”. It’s useless .
Think about yourself, focus on you. Not him. I am at this point now where I do not care or even think of him anymore. He is a cowardly loser. And there is no more room in my life for evil. It’s over. He abusedcmr for almost 20 years and then threw me away like garbage. Just like that.
By him being a cop he threw every obstacle possible in my way. He tried to send me to a mental institution, hd tried to put a restraining order against me. Anything what could me look “bad” in the divorce. Nothing worked. They saw his evil plans and knew I was being set up by a “dirty” cop. Thank god for my awesome attorney.
Be very careful and always try to be one step ahead of the sociopath. I learned the hard way.
Tara, I agree with kaya, you have to stop engaging in ANY conversations with him, as they are all intended to gaslight and harm you. Any contact will end up in hurt and confusion for you. He is trying to make you think it is your fault that he hasn’t come back, it is a game for him.
I have been right where you are. A seven year relationship (that i know now was all lies) and we had just bought a dream home together in a new state. My home sold and I put most of the down payment in while he was behind, waiting for his home to sell. In less than 3 months, he blew up over nothing (I took him to the morning farmer’s market as a surprise and he didn’t have his sunglasses…after I asked him 3 times if he had them before we left, yes, this was all it was) and he flew home the next day after skewering me alive the rest of the day. I thought it would blow over but soon became crazy with fear, as the house payment was over $4,000 a month and I didn’t have a job. I never saw him again. In his last email to me, among other things, he said this: that I knew that he wouldn’t move in order to be abused and I had many fences to mend, and he didn’t even know where to suggest that I start. Sound familiar? Well, I found out later that he already had introduced his kids to his new girlfriend when he had written that email and that he had pretty much always had other women on the side the entire relationship. I instinctively went no contact because that email was so mean and even though I felt skinned alive for a very very long time, I turned my focus onto me and not losing that house and ruining my credit (because of course, he stopped paying his fair share after awhile).
I was told I picked fights too, but all I was doing was reacting normally to his crap, which is probably what you are doing too. Him leaving, not coming back, or anything else he did or didn’t do is not because of anything you did or didn’t do…he does whatever he wants, plain and simple.
You are in the worst stage right now, and no contact will save you. Block him on email or change your email address. Grow eyes in the back of your head. Don’t answer the phone if it is a number you don’t recognize. Don’t answer the door. Continuing to engage him will only prolong the pain, keep you hurt and confused and delay the healing. We’ve all been there.
Taralev
Please don’t engage in any conversation with him. Just do not respond. You need to start no contact. Focus on you and forget about him. I have been in the same situation. My soon to be ex moved on with a young co worker, they are both deputies. While I was basically begging him to come home and crying my eyes out he was wasting marital assets on cruises with her, buying her jewelry and just living it up. Believe me I went through hell all the while he blamed me for not “being skinny enough, pretty or young enough .” The only way I broke this “crazy making” was blocking him from my life. He got no reaction out of me, no answer to his mails and I changed my phone numbers. I filed for divorce and never looked back once. Don’t relive the past. Focus on the present and let him go. He is not worth it. You are worth so much more.
I would never let anyone disrespect me like he did. He was trying to make me think I am insane.
It has been 14 months since he left and now I know that it was gods plan for me to have peace. I felt exactly like you. But I kept going. One day at a time. Please stay strong.
I am trying he just has torn me to shreds. I am in our house he hasn’t picked up his things its like he cares about nothing just left everything. .and went to her. Hes 12 years older then her she works with him also..I helped him prepare for this new job bought him clothes..and day 1 of his new job back in September he told all his coworkers he was a single dad. Six years but he acted single?? This girl is now who he says he loves? And im just nothing. He takes her out places that were our spots. .and already went away to meet her parents at their beach house. Its all do fast I’m . just left here shattered. He bought me a diamond we had plans to make a ring he has just shocked me .. im in denial I don’t know. I can’t believe after all I did for him and his kids hes left me..my son.
Hanalei moon
You are so right. To this day I owe it to people like you here on lovefraud. Reading all these comments made me realize that the one and only way to regain sanity is to keep the “no contact”. Taralev you are in a very difficult stage right now. That stage lasted almost 3 months for me. It is the most painful one. It is hard to break any contact. He wants to get a reaction out of you, positive or negative. Just don’t give him any reaction. “Ignore the devil and he will go away, don’t give him the time of the day”. What you are doing now is inviting the devil into your home and letting him sit on your couch. Don’t communicate with evil.
Taralev, I wish you all the strength and I will be praying for you.
Thank you both for writing to me yes that sounds familiar definitely he constantly makes excuses for what he did. .as I’ve always said I am not perfect yes I had my faults in our relationship I dealt with a rough two years with my sister passing away, but the simple response I give him is YOU CHEATED. Not me. No matter what our issues were. .all his years of lies I stayed loyal to him. The lies were too much! I loved him and his kids regardless. He stole my mother’s credit card.and charged $1900..it was for our cat who needed surgery, but my mom had.not given him permission. to use it..he told me he had paid the vet and applied for care credit. When my mom found out she called the house. .I heard him whisper to my mom I said what was that about? He said nothing. Later I found out he had let me take blame and led.my mom to think I did it.he ended up paying her back and we moved past it. He told me his first day of his new job he worked somewhere completely different. .until a friend nof mine told me they saw him!?we had hugefights over this. No normal woman would have stayed with such a liar. Now im the.crazy one. The new girlfriend thinks im crazy even though im given her solid proof hes got her thinking he loves her. He constantly manipulates and makes me think I did something wrong in this all. I lay awake all night just overwhelmed. Its been since February 1 hes been gone. .but that whole time..hes been coming home randomly saying we can work thru. All of feb March April. So I was thinking he was really coming home. .He would call when he was “at his moms”.say he loved me..I can’t believe the whole time he was keeping me there in case this girl did not work out. As soon as he realized he could stay with her..I was thrown away. Suddenly
Tara I just wanted to mention that if he still has stuff where you live if you are like me, you will want to be fair and let him get it…and it will lead to discussions, contact and pain. In my case, I did have some of his stuff at the new house. By that time, I would only communicate with him through an attorney and he wanted ME to get quotes from movers for his review so I could pack it up and have it delivered to him! Then he decided he wanted to pick it up. My attorney told me to rent a storage unit and move his stuff into it, give her the contract and key. I did that and she told him the first month was paid and after that, it was his responsibility. He did come and get his things and I didn’t have to see him. You might want to consider something like that.
He claimed some things he had given me as gifts were his (like my computer) and demanded that they be returned to him. I let them go rather than fight it. He also had some things of mine at his house that I would have liked to have returned, and it would have been easy for him since he drove there with a truck to pick his stuff up, but of course, he didn’t return anything. I’m sure his new wife is enjoying my things now. I only cared for about a minute.
No one is perfect, and what happened to you isn’t because you aren’t perfect…it is because he is disordered, has no conscience and treats people like objects. In my case, I was treated like a possession that could be stepped on, thrown in the closet, taken out when it was convenient for him, and ultimately discarded with no second thought, except to inflict more pain when (I’m sure) he was alone and bored for a few minutes. Tara, these guys aren’t having happy successful relationships with their new women, they’re just using and abusing them too. Get a new pack of post-its and write NO CONTACT on every one and stick them everywhere! Hugs!
I am reading the posts here and it is helping. I just got out of a 3 year relationship with someone that sounds like others here. Thursday May, 8, I found out that the man I had been with and planning to marry was cheating on me. He had to move back to TN to help his mother get his dad in a nursing home and supposedly moving back here to be with me and my boys. The move was supposed to be temporary, we had lived together up until these last 6 months, but saw each other often and texted and talked daily. He said he was going through therapy getting help etc. Then the first of May he was making excuses why he could not move. I told him we would work through it, our love was strong enough. He continued to tell me he loved me and was trying to get here up until the 8th when he had posted on his Facebook page that he was in a relationship since April 27th and telling this girl he loves her!! When I called to confront him and ask him why he kept leading me on, his answer was he didn’t know where it was going with her yet. Really? After three years and plans to get married, that is how little he thought of me. I have gone over and over in my head how he could do that to me and my kids, and how n the heck do you fall in love with someone after one date. I did no contact right then, blocked his number on my Verizon account and blocked on Facebook. I didn’t want him to have a chance to try and contact me if this didn’t work out for him. The betrayal is heart wrenching, realizing that you have wasted three years, ignoring the warning signs all along, and giving that person all of yourself. Realizing that he couldn’t have loved me like he said if he moved on so quickly and wasn’t even going to tell me. Instead that Monday the 5th he kept telling me how I had not been fulfilling his needs and that he had to give up what he wanted to make me happy. This was a kick in the gut because everything we ever talked about was mutually agreed on, so to have him make this my fault hurt. I am trying to dig out of this hole that I am in, where you feel emotionally frail, unlovable, ugly, etc. This women was 10 years younger and so thin, so of course that made me feel horrible about myself. When you all say these guys are smooth, they are. He was always charismatic and charming. But at home he could be pouty, irritable, and angry. This all just makes no sense and I guess for normal people hard to wrap your mind around.
Tamikaye2….
The situation you describe sounds so much like the one I went through….the lies, cheating and manipulation. The ex spath I was with was with someone else months before our relationship ended. This I didn’t find out until a year after I left. I, too, couldn’t understand how someone I loved and planned to spend my life with could do this to me. But after studying and learning, I realized I loved who I thought he was, not who he really is. He was able to move on to someone so quickly because he didn’t care.
As far as I know, he is still with this other woman, even though he lied to her, too! She obviously is willing to accept his lies and cheating. I know for a fact as she called me one day. I shared my story with her, but she chose to only believe what she wanted to believe. He has her exactly where he wants her. I look at it this way, she is not lucky to have him. Anyone who is with someone who has a history of lying, cheating and manipulation is not lucky because they won’t change.
I learned the hard way, but have come out of this a much stronger, wiser version of me….and for that, I’m truly thankful.
Tamikaye2….you are in the very early stages of shock and grief as to what happened. As hard and difficult as it is, you will make it through this.
Stay strong my friend!
carolann
Thank you Carolann. It has been very difficult. She too wanted to see proof that we were together, texts that he had sent me while they were dating. I shared my story as well and she had proof of his professed love and hope for our future right in front of her, and chose to stay. This has been such a betrayal on so many levels. Looking back, I had gut feelings but ignored them. He did so much to make me believe that I was the one and only, that I saved him from himself, and that he would love me till he died. He even would say things like I hope I go first because I could not make it in this world without you. At this point in my life, I do not know how I will ever trust again.
Tara, I rly can not even respond to ur posts, they resonate so deeply with me. Just know we have felt, and/or are feeling, exactly like u. And we made it.
You WANT to die, but u dont. It sucks.
Then—
It doesnt.
I wish I could just hug u.
I can’t wait for that day to come when it doesn’t suck. So many tears for this person who did this to me. Such shame for believing in all the lies, and the questions like Tara, how can he just give up three years of our lives, and all the sudden be in love, after telling me that I was his everything. My world has been turned upside down and everything I believed in is not true. It is crushing. I have wondered what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong, how can he just forget about everything we shared for three plus years?? I know I am supposed to believe that I’m too good for him, or he doesn’t deserve my love, etc. I waffle between hoping he will say he’s sorry and regret his decision and hoping this new person will hurt him. I have had NC with him but that was my choice. I know if I had not blocked his number he would still be trying to bait me. It has been so hard, because since March 2011 we never went a day without communicating.
It helps knowing other women have gotten through this, that someday I will see a light at the end of this dark gloomy tunnel.
Tamikaeye
He will probably not say sorry as people like him don’t have any compassion. You said he did this to you after 3 years. My soon to be ex did this to me after 20 years of marriage. That shows you they do not feel any remorse or sympathy. That’s the part of their brain that is not functioning like ours. I am glad you went to no contact. It’s the only way to show him that you don’t take this abuse. And also it’s the only way to heal and go on. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It was so hard for me for 3 months after the discard I was in so much aging and pain. I just got up every day and functioned like a robot and cried and cried. In the divorce he financials showed that he was on a Caribbean cruise while I was crying. See, they don’t look back, they just go on. Stay strong and don’t go into the past. Nothing will be the same. But often this is a good thing. You spent 3 years with him. I spent 20 years of my life believing his lies. I will be praying for you.
just the betrayal is alot of what u are going thru. spath or no spath. adultery is utter devastation to the victim (you). what u feel is what any woman feels who loved and was betrayed. ur very soul is betrayed. its alot for ur mind to wrap itself around. it takes time.
of course u just want him to come back and make it right. hes the only he can make it right. and hes the one who stuck the knife in ur heart!! i have so been there, hon. its the suckiest thing in the world. the ONE person who could possibly comfort u, is the one person who CAN’T. he sucks. he sucks as PERSON. as a person, he’s a F.A.I.L. He sucks as a lover. FAIL.
someday u can see this. right now just intellectually know this. someday ur heart will know it too.
Ain’t gonna
You are so right. Spath or no spath, it does cut deep. And you are so right that he sucks as a person. The person who claims he loves you unconditionally hurts you the most. It is like a death in the family. And I went through the same stages. Grievance, hurt and anger, denial and hope. And finally acceptance. Rightnow it seems like you cannot go on. Take one minute at a time, focus on yourself. That’s what I did. Every day without him and no contact I put a smiley sticker on my calendar. Before I knew it I had months of happiness. It’s very hard and most people including family don’t understand. I survived it but I admit it was the most difficult time in my life. The fear if the unknown. My faith in God helped me through it. Because he was had a plan and you might not see it right away. Believe me you will pull through it and cone out a stronger person than ever.
Tamikaye2,
Kaya and Ain’t are correct in all their wisdom. After so long with them, it feels like only they can comfort us, but they are the ones who have destroyed us. It’s like living in two realities at one time. Too much for the brain.
Im so sorry for the brain overload you are experiencing. I can relate. Sometimes I forget where I’m going when I drive. Or I type the wrong words on comments over and over. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed. Its awful. The rug was pulled out from under you. It’s so unfair.
Keep telling yourself that You will survive! Because you will! This is the hardest time but you are right, you will get through it! I will too
Hang in there. Good thoughts coming your way!
Tamikaye2….
As far as I’m concerned, how can a person be in love with someone that early on, without possibly knowing them. He’s not in love; he doesn’t know how to be in love. It’s all a game to him, and a sad one at that. This concept took me a long time to get through my skull.
I can only suggest you allow yourself the time to feel your emotions. Then…do something nice for yourself. This could be as simple as a manicure or pedicure…something that makes you feel good about you. Exercise is great, too!
Also know this is not about you. You did nothing wrong. This is his issue. If he can move on that quickly and not allow himself time to heal, what does that tell you. And for her to accept him…well then, that’s her issue. Only time will tell and she’ll realize just what she’s gotten herself into.
Please know I understand how you feel. I know how heart-wrenching this situation is. You get consumed by thoughts of him; of her; of him with her. But again, remember, this is not your fault. You are a wonderful woman and never forget that!
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Hang on, it does get better!
carolann
I just am to the point I know hes trying to kill me. Emotionally. .he is killing my soul and every ounce of my being. .I can’t sleep, cook,clean I can’t function. He has brainwashed this new girl and made her think I was the crazy one. He threatens me almost daily to violate the peace order that he set in place. .the one he broke. In my state it is not fair. .he can contact me and.if I responded which I did I go to jail. He completely discarded me. With no warning. I don’t know how to move forward I feel frozen. With pain fear all of it
Taralev
My counselor once said to me “you have to quit him cold turkey “. He pushed change on you that you did not want nor asked for. On the other hand he had time to prepare “emotionally” for his departure. In order for you to go on and heal he cannot be any part of your life. I don’t know if you have minot children or not. If you don’t just let him go. Let him live his life. He is not “your problem ” anymore. After a few months of no contact I felt so relieved that no one was lying to me anymore , no one cheating behind my back. He was playing with my life by putting me at risk for any diseases. This young co worker was a party girl and I am glad that I came out ok. What person who claims they love you would just get up and leave.
Think rationally, not emotionally. If you are married get yourself the most aggressive attorney and think of it as a business deal that’s gone wrong.
Hanalei moon
What a great idea with the storage unit. I did exactly the same only communicated through attorneys. Because they are used to it and they are not easily manipulated. It cost me some extra money but it was well worth it. You can even ask for seperate rooms in court mediations. It was a life saver for me as I was spared to even see his “ugly” face. One more advice is get a male attorney. Someone suggested that to me and it was a very good decision. I didn’t want any “female” attorney be manipulated by his “so good looks”. That is why he chose a female attorney.
I totally agree that they are incapable of having a healthy relationship. They are so obsessed with themselves. Probably the best for then is not having any relationship and just have some prostitutes. I am sure glad that my ex husband cannot have any more children. I wouldn’t want another child to experience what my son went through. Even children are just objects, you are so right.
Thanks again for all your great comments.
Thanks, kaya, I am so glad that I can offer comments and suggestions that can help someone else. It was almost a year after the discard that I found this and other sites and they helped so much – prior to that, I was white knuckling it on my own.
You are exactly right about using male professionals…I used a female real estate agent initially and even though I gave her the overview, it was clear he was manipulating her. When that listing expired, I chose a male/female team and only the male spoke to him and things went much smoother.
I have so much compassion for tara since I know how insane it is for her right now and how NC seems like it will only bring more pain. Once on the other side, it is like you are finally getting oxygen in your lungs again! After almost 3 years the logistics of my life are still a challenge but they should normalize soon. I’ve accepted that what I’ve lost is gone, and know my life hasn’t been ruined, but it is different. Emotionally, things get better all the time and where once he was my every thought, he only crosses my mind once in awhile now and I don’t let it linger. There is nothing that would make me endure that kind of chaos and insanity in my life again.
Thank you
Hanalei moon, it’s been 14 months for me now. The final judgement should be issued any day now. The attorneys settled and I am really happy with the outcome . Like yours, my life is different now. I honestly think in a good way. No more crazy making and chaos. I have not cried in many months, compared to daily when I was with him. He still occasionally tries to “push my buttons”. He texted my son “to your mom, even though we hate each other , happy Mother’s Day.” My son does not respond in any way but I just have to laugh about his pathetic being. We have been in ugly divorce proceedings for almost a year and I get a “happy Mother’s Day”.
I really feel for Tara. I can feel her pain and uncertainty. But life gets better. And I came out more resilient. I did not know what I was capable of , what I could accomplish without him. It started the day I filed that divorce petition because I said “I am done, no more”.
I am glad you are at a good place in your life and glad to hear that it will get better. Financially I am good, thanks to this states great alimony laws. Emotionally I am at peace. I have my son and my pets and a fulfilling job. What more can I ask for ? I am thankful I survived this nightmare and now it’s time to start a new chapter. I am 48 but I am alive. 🙂
Kaya, congratulations on coming to the end of the legal process and it leaving you financially in a good place! You really sound like you are in a good place for your new chapter!
Because we weren’t married and I had no agreements in writing, I was left with a staggering financial burden on my own. I am proud to say that I handled it like a champ but because of the depressed real estate market where the shared home was located, I lost all of the money I had in the house in order to sell it, on top of paying the payment and maintaining it for three years. I had owned my own home for almost 20 years before this happened, and the loss of homeowner status has been a blow. I hope to be able to buy myself a house by the end of this year.
Having a fulfilling job is a blessing! This is also something I lost as a part of the move and discard and this too looks like it could be turning around in the coming months.
I know now how strong I am and how I can break it down and do what needs to be done, one day at a time. When I get frustrated with having to wait it out a little longer, I look over my shoulder and see how far I have come from the woman who was insane with fear and pain, and know that this is nothing compared to that and that he doesn’t have me financially handcuffed anymore. Who knows, I might even come out ahead in the end.
We have all we need.