UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
I honestly think you are making progress. You sound like you see the truth in him. I know you won’t send the email. Maybe save it and hopefully never send it to her. He is capable of terrible things, like the injunction. That was a big slap in my face.
Just take it a few hours at the time. That’s what I did. Remember I put a happy face sticker on a calendar and before I knew it I had an entire month if “happiness”. And on June 23rd I had a year if happiness.
I wish you a peaceful night. Don’t think about him. I know it’s easier said than done. I was there. But you will get through this.
OMG kaya48!!!
Thank you for what you wrote! I am so glad you put happy face stickers on a calendar!
I kept secret that I was giving myself gold stars because it seemed so childish and pathetic. But it was what I needed at the time. I remember the day I realized I forgot to give myself a gold star because I had not thought of him that day. It made me cry happy and sad at the same time.
I put glass pebbles into a jar on my dresser. I bought them and didn’t hardly get through one day without contact for awhile. When I finally got to doing no contact, I also kept forgetting to put a pebble in most days.
Love this!!!
You create art as you regain urself.
Beautiful!
What a wonderful illustration of the beauty coming to light again within you 🙂
Tombstone generator for some comic relief, catharsis, closure, voodoo, insomnia, as needed:
http://www.jjchandler.com/tombstone/
Y’all sleep well. Goodnight.
Oh that IS spooky
i tried it
like whoa
This one is maybe a little better, plus there are links to road signs, warning signs, receipts, and more. The possibilities for creative and cathartic spath bashing are almost endless. I was thinking of making and printing out a whole album.
http://www.tombstonebuilder.com/
Funny story I think I’ve shared here before. Towards the end of the ‘marriage/relationship’ the ex P left and I printed out a tombstone for him with the death date the last time he left, and put it up on the fridge. (He left and came back a lot.) He did the abusers remorse and I let him move back in but forgot to take down the tombstone. Awkward moment when he saw it, I said sorry, took it down and tossed it in the trash. Hilarious to me in retrospect, especially because I did not leave it up on purpose. I think at that point he realized I wasn’t taking him very seriously anymore. Soon after he left for the last time, as I never let him back.
Happy weekend, everyone!
Annette, thanks for your responses to my posts last night, I’d gone to bed and missed them until this morning, now they are “back there someplace.” 🙂
I love the tombstone on frig and think it’s unnecessary to ask Freud to comment on it having been left there. In a similar vein, my ex told me I would mumble in my sleep and “call me evil names.” Yeah, I’ll bet.
Awakened, you’d have put dead flowers around that tombstone, I’d not have mumbled a single syllable.
Whoops, I forgot to include the link: http://www.tombstonebuilder.com/
Taralev, it’s really good that you are angry. Revenge fantasies are perfectly normal. I know you want to make him feel the hurt he made you feel. I know you want to warn his newest victim. DON’T act on these feelings. It will perpetuate the drama you need to escape from. Take it from those who have walked this path before you – it’s a really bad idea and it will backfire on you.
On a side note, I may have mentioned that I had started dating a guy in March whom I really liked. After we started really connecting, he just faded out of the picture. He actually had the nerve to call me 3 months after he disappeared begging me to give him another chance. He said he withdrew because one of his friends had died. Blah blah. Not. Good. Enough. I will not take any of his calls. See, That is all it took for me to walk away from this guy. The first sign of disrespect early on. I’m really proud of myself because I was highly addicted to him back in March and April and even into May. I know if I see him, it may trigger that chemical part of the addiction. But my mind tells me he’s not good enough for me so I will just stay away.
What an ASS! Well done STAR! Xx
I know, huh, Bally? The nerve! That guy didn’t even respect me enough to give me closure. All the time spent wondering if I had done something wrong, doubting myself, or wondering if he just met someone else (which he probably did)…. Before his friend died, he was too busy going out to the bars with his friends to see me that weekend anyway. After we had connected in January, he suddenly had two pre-planned vacations out of state. When he finally returned, he told me he wants to make time for me, and he hopes I will make time for him, too. I made time for him, but he was too busy with his friends that weekend. Then we were supposed to go on a hike on a Monday (where I would have downgraded him to just a casual platonic friend anyway). That never happened. One of his friends got murdered, so he canceled. I reached out to him twice during the next 2 weeks to see if he was okay, just offering friendship. He said he wasn’t feeling very social. I didn’t believe him, and I still don’t believe him when he said he was just in his cave for 3 months. I bet if I looked on his FB page (which I don’t), I would find he’s been out performing music at bars and doing all kinds of social stuff.
He could have at least respected me enough to give me some closure a few months ago. I don’t really need the closure anymore. I know I will never date him again. I don’t really even have a reason to talk to him again except to tell him off. But then he would probably just get defensive. Why even bother? Beautiful no-contact. Really gets the point across. It says, “You are no longer a part of my life. You are nothing to me. I will never even give you the time of day again. I don’t care what you are doing or who you are doing it with. Don’t bother me anymore.”
I have a very close male friend in my life now who treats me like a princess. He is ALWAYS there for me and helps me with everything. He’s helping me move this weekend. I don’t feel the chemistry with him that I felt with the other guy. But I’d rather have the close friend than to get jerked around by a hot guy who only wants to see me when it’s convenient for him. The other guy is probably out drinking this weekend. I cannot go back to a guy who treats me like I hardly exist! He can go fuck off. I’m 53, soon to be 54. I have way too few years left on this planet to play games with men. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Vent over. Feel much better. 🙂
Thank you Star- I am going to give it thought..before I send anything. That is good you can see the guy as someone not good from you.
I think back to 6 years ago when I first dated this guy. I had warning signs from the start..he lied to me about having a newborn child with another woman. I met his son when he was 9 months old..but he never told me about the 2nd son. I found out on my own.
Taralev, I love a good revenge story. But others are right. There is NOTHING you could do that would make him see how he’s hurt you. He doesn’t care. He’s not capable of it.
When you go no-contact, it is the greatest act of self love you can give yourself. And it carries a message to the spath. It says, “Spath, you don’t exist in my world anymore. You are a worthless piece of crap. Do not ever contact me again.”
Or you could write down your own personal meaning for no-contact and what it says to the spath.
My first full day of NC is starting. I am nervous but I have had it with his scum. There is no sense for me to ask why why why. Hes a cheater..a liar and the devil. I hope I have the strength to stay NC. The last time I blocked him he emailed me and called me a coward for blocking him.
He doesn’t care how im living or managing the house on my own. He discarded me for her. Like trash. I just have to keep saying it over and over
You can do it. You are strong. You will survive this. You can be proud of yourself. I hope and pray for peace for you today and every day.
Taralev
I saw warning signs early on and I stayed 20 years. I always knew something was not right. Sometimes he had this “ice cold” look at me. Like he was disgusted with me. There was no passion. Like someone said everything was “mechanical”. I still remember the day he returned from a one year army deployment. A friend if his brought him home and he walked in the house and said hi. No hug, no kiss, no embrace. His son was 5 years old then. He was so excited to his father. And the ex like he just returned from a days work. The cheating and the porn. I am glad this is all in my past.
You are doing great Taralev. I messed up so many times on no contact at first. I called the mistress and told her he is a liar. She defended him. The answer was I had to retain a lawyer to get this restraining order “they” placed against me dismissed. See, they teamed up together against me. Luckily the judge saw the b/s and did not care that he wAs a cop. But please do things differently. I learned from my mistakes. I wish I would have found this website earlier last year. You are lucky you have this advice. Use it to your advantage and you will be ok.
Kaya, there were warning signs for me before I ever became involved with my ex. We worked in the same department, I was second in command and he was a division manager. I was very enthusiastic and exuberant at work, I loved my job. He always sat away from the table, looking down, uninterested and picking at his fingers, and it annoyed me to no end. He was generally regarded as kind of “odd” and known for not getting a lot of work done, while I was very popular and a go-getter.
I think I’ve written here that things started after his wife, who had been very ill, passed away and I offered some support. Romance was the farthest thing from my mind, he played the sympathy and misunderstood cards and I fell for it. The reality is, I STILL didn’t like him very much until he had me addicted and that was that. It’s very scary and weird how this works.
After he discarded me, his daughter asked me if I had been dating him before his wife passed away! I was horrified! She said that the three kids had always felt he had been catting around while his wife was so ill. I don’t doubt it.
I don’t know what his wife died from, but is it possible that he might have contributed to his wife’s illness by stressing her or outright poisoning her? I’ve come to find out that this is more common than most folks realize; a lot of them get away with it.
Kaya- I just am so so furious inside today. He is getting what he wants. I was used for 6 years..yes its not as long as some of you. But we planned a life, a marriage , a future. I am so mad that I am just ducking away..like I am letting him win and I just disappear while he is happy with his new victim.
It just is not right.I am left with all the aftermath and he got off scott free. All the money he owes me..the lies he gave to my son, and he gets to live happy and let this girl think hes telling the truth. It just is eating away at me 🙁
Taralev
Please don’t think this way. He is not getting away with anything. I know you are not married. But I still think victory is yours. You are free of his lies and cheating. To me that sounds like you are the winner.
In my divorce case I went after him for everything he had done to me. My lawyer made sure I was compensated for the years he abused me and lied to me. I know it’s monetary but it was victory for me.
Do you honestly think that he is happy with that new girl ? When everything becomes routine including the new, exciting hot sex, he will not be happy. Trust me.
I see it in my ex’s texts and emails to his son. Nothing about it sounds “happy”.
Yes, all the things we planned together, like our nice retirement here in Florida, all got deleted. Well I am still in my most favorite place to live here, and life is good.
The only thing that still makes me sad at times is that my only child lost that sense if a home , security and family. But what he had in the past was no where near a security. Because it went away in one night with him discarding us. It still makes me sad that the ex chose buying a Harley , going on cruises, buying the whore presents and dinners over the welfare and education of his only child. If he disliked me so much, why punish his son? That’s something I never understood. But my son and I recovered. We managed with college loans and financial aid to secure his education. The hell with his father. He should take care of all his minions. They worship him and we don’t.
Taralev I know what you are going through. It will get easier. Stay no contact and you will see how much power and control you have over HIM .
We had plans to move to florida too..where my dad lives. He told me on our 6 year anniversary ( which was 3 weeks before he left) ” if im not with you, I will be with no woman”. I just cant believe the lies he fed me..telling me to pick out ring settings I liked. At least I have the diamond.
I know my story is no where near what most people on here have gone thru. We really had no ties..no property together..my townhome is rented. I guess it was that sense of security..i knew he would be there..we split bills..and boom. He left in a flash.
I hope he is bothered. But I have a feeling hes not.
Taralav, they don’t have feelings like us and you are right feeling bothered isn’t one of them. You are sounding better today. Maybe you are starting to see through the fog. Did you get different mediation yet? The old stuff wasn’t working well I recall. Do you know once you start to recover that horrible sick feeling will go away. And you will get your mind back. No contact will get rid of your addiction to that loser. You are doing so well! Much better than I did. Well done!
Bally- I am on the same meds (Prozac) I think what happened is I went out the night before and had beers..only about 6..with a friend. Bad idea..since beer depresses you anyways and I didn’t think about my meds. The next day- was AWFUL I laid in bed the whole day and cried I called my dr..I was BAD. But the next day after that..i felt better. So I don’t know. I followed up with my dr and we will gove it 1 more week.
He really is a loser. I never felt comfortable saying that..because I loved him and his kids with all my heart. I feel such a huge loss of FRIENDSHIP because he was my partner. We shared everything..and its sick I still to this momement worry about him.
He told me the other day he had a toothache..and I was concerned. I always told him to use his dental insurance for cleanings..he had a bad cavitiy. WHYY WOULD I CARE. HE HAD A BAD TOOTH. He cheated so much. I think back now on trips he used to take for work…who knows all the times he cheated.
We had a good life together in every aspect outside of his lies. I just don’t understand the cheating at all. I just don’t.
Is that a typo, or did you say you drank only 6 six beers??????
You worry about him because you’re a good caring person and it takes a while to turn off your feelings; you can’t just turn and walk away in an instant easily.
Tara, I know exactly how you feel. When we were planning for buying the house together, I was concerned about what would happen if we split up, since we weren’t married. Over a period of two years leading up to the purchase, he repeatedly reassured me, about finances, about his commitment, and finally told me that he would never leave the relationship – if it ended, it was because I wanted to leave it. He promised that if that happened, he would give me my initial investment back so I could buy another home for myself. I finally decided I was being overly cautious and we bought the dream home…only to have him discard me 3 months later.
I knew we were going to lose money selling the house, and when the discussion through the attorneys got to that point, I wanted him to sign an agreement that he would “make me whole” and I would get all my initial investment ($150k) back. Of course negotiations came to a halt at that point and he said hell no. I ended up losing it all and more.
Moral of the story: if a man says he will never leave a relationship, or never be with another woman if he’s not with you, it’s a LIE. No one, not even a good, honest, nice guy can promise to that.
Mine’s not bothered that I lost all that money. And when I accepted the offer that sold the house, I’m sure he said to himself, SHE’s the one who accepted the offer, not ME, not my fault.
Yes a good man will promise that. And he will keep his word. Becuz when you give your word, you keep it. Even if it’s hard.
Now will he never be with another woman if you die? Well I would hope he would, since he’s a good man.
But if he’s vowed to love you, for richer or poorer, better or worse, A GOOD MAN *will* do just that.
There are Good Men in the world still.
we’ve just had the spaths in our radar.
And with Christ, you can keep marriage vows. Even hard ones in hard times.
What a nightmare, and what a huge financial loss for you. Women in general appreciate security, and good men feel their power and manhood when they provide for and protect their families.
I had been on my own raising my son alone after being widowed, had a stable career and financial security. Yet I still resented my ex P when he left leaving the yard and house projects in a mess. I was perfectly capable of cleaning it up and restoring my home to a state of better repair (which is progressing well) better on my own than with him around. I still felt loss and betrayed and almost helpless when he left, because I had relied on his commitment to be around and contribute his help.
With due respect to your awful experience of lies and betrayal with your ex spath, I disagree that all men are liars when they commit to be with one woman. There are men who see the value in that and who resist the occasional male temptation to cheat because they value family and the well being of their wives and children. My late husband was one of them, as well as my father, and my father in law, my brothers and my brothers in law, and many friends of ours. There are cheaters and liars and betrayers and users all over the place, and probably more common in this day and age, but there are good men who have good character who make right choices and who value a woman’s love.
Annette, I agree that there are good men who do commit to be with one woman and see the value in that. And aint, I also agree that a good man will keep his promises. The point that I was making is that some promises should not be made because it is possible that no one, not even us, could keep them, because we never know what the future holds.
I am not a man hater, and because of my experience with the ex, do not think all men are bad, in fact, I have hopes that I will meet a good man of high character that will be thrilled to be with me.
For some folks an open relationship with no promises works. It is honest and responsible not to make promises that one won’t keep.
My choice is the stability of commitment whether we continue to thrill each other or not. Like for better for worse. I want to keep my promise to be faithful regardless of what happens, even if it’s a hardship to me.
I just dodged major bullets from my spath!!!!! I got std results-all negative!!!!!!!! And Im not pregnant!!!!!! I go to Puerto Rico in a couple days and can finally relax…..I thank God for protecting me because it could be way worse!!!!
I did get a call from the ex fiance last night. It was weird, it has been about two weeks since we both found out about each other. She was supposed to meet him to collect her mail from him but she couldn’t find him. She called me to see if I was with him at all. I guess Im the only one to make that full cut off from all of this and with these latest test results I think I can finally get a start!
What wonderful news! You must be so relieved.
Wow, that’s wonderful, congratulations!!
Taralev
The first thing I did is sold my rings and the wedding band he left on the kitchen counter. I had to get rid of them.
How sad how he deceived you. But that’s what they do best.
He is probably not miserable now as he is in that “new victim/new minion” stage. Rightnow he wants to hurt and blame you, so he can feel better about himself. A normal person would be ashamed and feel guilty. They don’t.
I don’t think my ex feels any remorse. His god like ego is hurt because his only child ignores him since about 15 months. But committing such evil action had consequences. But they don’t feel the pain like we do because they don’t have a heart .
I quit thinking of what he feels or does not feel. Because I don’t waste one second on this evil monster. No more.