UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
Wow. Only 3 months. That’s so bad. You lost a lot of money because of his actions. Just like me. One time I said “why don’t you like this house?” The answer was “you picked it out , I never liked this house, it does not feel like home “. Of course it was all my mistake. He discarded us after he refinanced the house 7 days earlier. It as 6000$ in closing costs to get a better interest rate and then he just left. He said “I am out of here, you are mentally ill”.
Well , in the long run he did me a great favor. So it sounds terrible what he did but in reality it was a blessing.
Isn’t it amazing how they can just get up and leave and go on with their life. Unbelievable.
This is most difficult thing I am almost 48 hours nc. I almost sent him a email. .because I blocked his text. I just want to curse at him and tell him how badly he has damaged me. This is awful. Hes out living. .and im not. Im crying in our home he left me in. I can’t believe I didn’t know he was cheating
I feel so defeated.
Congratulations, you are doing great! You are overcoming, you are defeating demons of all kinds!
Yeah, he tried to defeat you, but you are winning now.
Can you write out what you feel like sending, and then not send it?
I read a great analogy: the rubberband. Whoever lets go first, gives a Zing! to the fellow holding the other end.
Imagine it, taralav: zing! snap! what was that?! omg I think she let go, something just hit me in the face. 🙂
hahahahahahahaha
Let Him Have It, Tara!
(maybe u’ll take out an eye when you do it lol)
Oh no, you are NOT defeated!!! You are standing in triumph! and your words will live on in these pages, to inspire others forward.
The staying of your sword is an act of courage and wisdom.
I love the sound of your voice! Please don’t stop hollaring into the Universe! It’s WRONG to hurt others. But you are SURVIVING it and whether you know it or not, anonymous eyes are reading this text in hope, and in prayer, that someday they too may find the Will to accept what’s happened to them and restrain themselves from hitting the Send button, as you’ve shown them SOMEBODY (you) has been strong enough to do.
In theory, if SOMEBODY can do that, then just maybe they can, too. So today, you’re a Hero and a figure of Inspiration. It’s just that you’ve got those bloody rags on, as most real heroes do. 🙂
Thank you Kathy..I am trying. .I will probably go to sleep so I don’t have to think about it. I wonder what he is doing. .we spent our weekend’s with the kids. Its not fair what he got away with. The lies . are so deep I keep rembering more and more. It really was clear. .I just chose to take him back after each lie. And look. I got discarded anyway
Whatever he is doing, he is faking it; and whether he is speaking at any given time or not, he is always lying because he continually establishes lies he has told.
I’m thinking you might find Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott a good read at this time. It’s empowering and the author suffered abuse and a discard by an abusive spath so she understands.
The staying of sword IS an act of courage.
It takes far more bravery to stand.
And let the chaos around you not affect you.
THAT is true wisdom 🙂
Hoping your journey into the land of PEACE goes smoothly, as you maintain No Contact.
Taralav
Exactly , you just got discarded anyway. So true. Just like me. Isn’t it crazy that we took him back after the lies and honestly I believed his lies. Out if the world stuff, I believed it. And then one day I was discarded like you.
I think you are doing better. Congrats 48 hours of no contact. What a huge step. I am so glad for you not responding.
I truly thought and believed my husband of 20 years was my soulmate , my best friend, the father if my son , my everything. It’s just unexplainable how all can change in a minute. How he can throw his family away for some sex with that young co worker.
I gave up because it will never make any sense to me. I stopped thinking about him. Or the other girl. It does not bother me anymore. Will she be happy with him? Probably not but at the same time it’s her problem. She initiated the affair, he could not resist and that’s the consequence. He list his family. His integrity, not only is he a cheater he must now wear the hat of a liar. Who would wAnt a partner or husband like that ?
Annette-yes 6beers. .is that a lot? Lol..it was . during a whole night and . dinner
Wow, you can hold your liquor! I’m in awe! A glass of wine makes me fall asleep. Where I come from 6 beers is an upper limit for a 200 lb man. Hope you weren’t driving…..
Annette, if your man is not a psychopath but is still a LoveFraud as you suspect he is gay, what would you do? He never wants to be intimate. He did initially but not after the first few months in a 20+ year relationship. Never again after years and years. Is there anything in the Bible about that?
Bally, Interesting question, a very sad situation, and it hits me close to home. My ex P was not heterosexual. I found out that he had cross dressed for sexual activity, and he was porn addicted including child porn. I suspect he was probably into gay porn, but never confirmed it. I figured out that he was not interested in an emotional and sexual relationship with an adult woman. I suspect he also withheld intimacy to irritate and frustrate me, one of his crazy games.
The Bible explicitly instructs spouses NOT to withhold sex. “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor 7:5).
Although it is wrong to withhold sex, it is not Biblical grounds for divorce. However, adultery and fornication (sexual immorality) is grounds for divorce. “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). Although this is written from the point of view of a man divorcing an adulterous wife, it applies equally to a woman’s option to divorce a sexually immoral husband. “There is no partiality with God” (Romans 2:11).
If a man withholds sex from his wife, he is probably getting it somewhere somehow, which IS Biblical grounds for divorce. In my case I learned my ‘husband’ had cross dressed at least before our ‘marriage,’ and was using porn while we were ‘married’ which is sexual immorality and adultery. Therefore I was freed from the ‘marriage’ in God’s eyes.
Just because God allows divorce doesn’t mean that one must get divorced. The wronged spouse has the option to forgive and continue in the marriage, which gives up the right to divorce unless the other spouse commits another act of adultery.
I don’t know the details of your situation, but I hope this helps your understanding of what the Bible says about the subject. Sadly, if your husband is gay, it is likely that he is engaging in sexual activity outside the marriage and you are not obligated to stay in the marriage.
If he is remaining celibate from porn and other sexual activity, you would be bound to stay in the marriage. One could pray and fast for him to change or for God to step in and make a way of escape for you, according to His will.
A Biblical marriage covenant is made not between spouses, but between each spouse and God. That is, one doesn’t promise his/her spouse to “love and cherish til death do us part…” The promise is made to God. Therefore, one spouse does not have the authority to release the other from the marriage; nor can both spouses mutually decide to call it quits.
This may be more info than you asked for, but I hope it answers your question. Please ask if anything is unclear, and I am happy to answer any other questions you might have.
I am so sorry that you’re in such a sad and frustrating situation. It is really disheartening to be rejected and not to be desired by one’s spouse. This support group helped me a lot: http://www.gayhusbands.com.
Just wanted to comment that I’ve known a few cross dressers over the years – one I inadvertently dated several years ago. Cross dressing in itself doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sex or sex addiction, but more to do with an identification with the opposite gender. The one I dated had gender identity issues and was saving up money for a sex change surgery. I don’t know if he ever got it. Though I accepted him for who he (or she) was, I did not want to deal with that particular preoccupation in a mate, nor did I find it attractive. This guy had other issues, too, but I don’t think all cross dressers are necessarily sociopathic. Also, the cross dressers I’ve known – all men – were heterosexual and preferred women. However, they enjoyed flirting with men while they were dressed as women because it made them feel feminine.
Not knowing what a person’s disorder or diagnosis is (if there is one), one way to look at the situation is, “Is this something I want to deal with?” We all have different tolerance levels. You don’t have to have an answer to the diagnosis question to know someone just isn’t good for you, is dragging you down, or is so preoccupied in themselves that they can’t be a caring partner or put your needs first.
VERY Good reminder of this important truth, Stargazer!
I’ve learned at this point in life…we all have baggage. We have to strive for that matching set of luggage :p
What someone can handle, I may not be able to. Whether it’s really wrong or not. If someone has a morbid sense of humor, for instance, I’m not dealing with that. If someone doesn’t like kids, he’s just not for me. If someone eats absolute crap and harasses me about not eating it too…bye bye
We have to know what we can handle for peace to reign in our homes.
Thank you for your thoughts. My ex P did not tell me about his cross dressing, nor his porn addiction, nor child porn (prepubescent girls), when he deceived me into marrying him. It was part of a package, as he lied about his first ex wife and many other things. He had emotional and psychological gender issues; the cross dressing was just one manifestation. For years before I knew he’d cross dressed, I perceived and said to him that he acted like he was wearing a dress, or a pink tutu. He had worn his mothers’ clothes, cousins, and his first ex wife’s, as well as stuff he got just for himself. He wore clothes as part of his sexual activity with himself, which is adultery. He preferred porn and/or sex with my underwear over sex with me or any other adult woman. I was small framed and thin when we ‘married’ (I’ve gained some weight by now!), which I later learned is a common body type for pedophiles if they marry – easier to imagine he’s having sex with a child the very few (thankfully) times we were physically intimate. I suspect he was also into gay men porn, and I suspect he was attracted to men. I didn’t sign up for any of this. He lied about everything.
My first marriage was to a physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually ‘normal’ man without issues who was attracted to adult women. This is my explicit choice.
I recognize that there are different types and purposes to cross dressing. I initially spent some time trying to discern whether he was a hetero cross dresser. He isn’t heterosexual because he doesn’t do what heterosexual men do.
I would not choose any kind of cross dresser, even one who identifies as heterosexual, does not do child porn, is not a pathological liar, nor sadistic. And he knew that.
AnnettePK,
Thanks so much for your Biblical wisdom. I think God’s intentions are very clear in His direction about divorce. I also believe that sometimes, the enemy uses our faith and beliefs against us through guilt and indecision about what God would have us do in these situations. That has happened to me.
For me, even after I realized the extent of my husbands betrayal, I stayed in the relationship because my husband said that we have a covenant with God that we shouldn’t break, he said he was changing and getting his life straight with God, and he said that God hates divorce. All of these things are true and I felt enormous guilt for wanting to end our marriage, so I stayed. What I didn’t know then was that my husband was really just spiritually abusing me. He/the enemy told me all the things that aligned with my belief system, just to manipulate me. And what I read, this is common practice for a person with a personality disorder.
His manipulation worked because I was vulnerable in my faith, not confident enough in Gods clearly written words and direction. I hope your explanation helps those who are traveling the same path as I have. When we go to the Word, it’s all very clear.
May I ask what is your view on remarriage after divorce?
I’ll tell ya what, Hoping; it’s a covenant, not a contract, yes. But you can leave and live in peace as it says in ICor.
Whether it’s Biblical to marry again while the(even spath) still lives…that’s another matter that I can’t get peace about, personally.
I’m right there with you, Ain’t. I feel completely at peace about getting away from the betrayer. But the rest, I can’t quite understand or find resolution for.
Well Hoping, I lean more towards the can’t marry again.
But I want to be clear I am not celibate. For instance, I was not married to the narc, who came after the spath. I lived with him too.
I am not at all living right. I just am where I am.
But I can say the Truth regardless 🙂
And I still want to know Truth.
So I will still ponder this and study it.
Yeah, Ain’t, I’m the same way. I want to know what’s right in Gods eyes and conform my beliefs to fit his plan. But living it out is another story. Walking the walk is very difficult.
I met my ex in Church, he used religion to deceive, trap and abuse me. Same as you, I was just coming into the faith and still learning. Proving (from God’s Word) him wrong was a huge motivation for me to learn more.
As I understand the Biblical instruction, if one divorces for a valid reason – adultery including porn, or desertion, one is free to remarry.
As I understand it, if one separates for another reason, ie abuse, then one can’t remarry. Being mistreated in this way is not right, but one can’t remarry. It’s difficult to understand as it’s not intuitive.
Hoping, I am sure you do a much better job of living it than I do.
I know the Truth and yet I won’t believe it.
Thats the only explanation i can come up with for my unrighteous behavior.
After decades of obedience, at the heart level even, i choose foolishness. I choose it I choose it. Over and over. Persistently. *Flippantly even* (at times)…I disgust me at times.
Makes me wring my hands sometimes in helplessness.
I still feel His love tho.
That’s encouraging for me.
I’m His after all \ 0 /
YES, Aint, you ARE.
I have never known my “real father” and feel him as a superfluous identity in my life.
In contrast, my FATHER is your Father, I have ALWAYS known Him! and indeed we are HIS.
When the children were born, I knew I could not have made them, no way no how! We come from the Stars, our Father is THERE!! No collection of flesh and bone could infuse us with Spirit, so we do not exist without Him. In this we can always place our total trust and confidence, I am certain of it.
Oh, Ain’t, I’m just like you. We all are flawed and make misguided mistakes and sin. But it’s the spirit of our Father that connects us all, and His love that enables us to love each other. After all, God is love.
That’s really what brings us all here, our connection is love. We loved and were vulnerable. That allowed us to be hurt so badly. But it also allows us to love each other enough to share with compassion and empathy.
My personal views may differ from others, but I truly believe that the more love one has to give, the bigger target they become for the enemy. What greater success can evil have than to stop a nurturing, love giving person from doing what they do best? If we withdraw in fear, hurt or discouragement, then the darkness of the world grows. Love is the light and we, the nurturers are the light carriers. The world needs us.
Its soooo encouraging to read the strength in the voices of the LF family. When even one, sad, distraught, grieving soul turns the corner back toward the truth of their own worth and recovery….I believe that the spiritual world rejoices! Taralav is a great example. The wisdom and compassion from the people on this site made a huge difference. It’s refreshing to me, so I can’t imagine the joy of our Father when the new journey begins for one of us.
We ARE His.
I heard a great statement by a pastor today..
..”God knew the solution long before you ever knew there was a problem.”
True, and so comforting.
Dear Ain’t
Yes You CHOSE. LOVE. Whether it was ‘foolishness’ or ‘flippantly’ over and over, what you sought was LOVE.
You did not chose to pretend so that someone would fall in love with you so that you could defraud them. God knows the difference. We all do.
We are “NOT LIKE THEM”. Thanks be to God!
Ain’t,
If you feel you are doing unrighteous things as defined by God’s instructions/God’s Word; and you want to make different choices, God promises to help make those changes that are according to His will. There are a lot of promises in the Bible that if we make choices to live His way, we will be blessed. I have found that I feel more peace if I don’t compromise my beliefs than the short term payoff I get from doing something I want to do when my understanding is that it’s the wrong thing to do.
“The wronged spouse has the option to forgive and continue in the marriage, which *gives up the right to divorce* unless the other spouse commits another act of adultery.
I would like to know the Scripture supporting this view.
I wholeheartedly agree that this a often social more and has been legal code in places for time periods.
However from a Biblical aspect, I’d like to see the Scripture.
Since the Bible does not state anywhere that divorce is ever required in any situation, the wronged spouse has the option to forgive and rebuild the marriage. This may or may not be a wise choice depending on whether the offending spouse wants to change.
I don’t know of a specific scripture, but the logic based on the Biblical principle of marriage as a binding agreement is as follows. The wronged spouse is unbound from the marriage due to adultery or desertion. Forgiveness is possible if the offending spouse stops committing adultery and/or stops desertion and reunites. If the wronged spouse forgives and chooses to commit to marriage, then the marriage is reinstated; and her commitment is irrevocable. If either spouse commits adultery or deserts, then the wronged spouse is unbound.
I’m not sure if this answers your question. As I understand it, forgiveness and a recommittment to the marriage is like entering into a new marriage, so if there are no (new) acts that are grounds for divorce, it is binding. One can’t invoke the acts that were previously forgiven that occurred before the second commitment was entered into.
Bally…yes, that is a form of desertion and the Bible says you can divorce due to desertion.
Annette thank you. You posted the gay husbands site to someone else a few weeks ago and I entered it…..and found resources to help. Without you realising it, your posts have been helping me. It is you who has got me questioning this long agony….from your help to others. You led me to support groups…your help indirectly. I will read your post a few more times then respond later when I can.
Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your help. Thanks again Annette.
Bally…was it the Bonnie Kay website? I know all about it as my best friend just went through it. She just divorced him after nearly 24 years of marriage. I know all about this so let me know if you need info or support.
Thanks SER, yes it is Bonnie who has been wonderful! I will certainly let you know when I get my head around it.
The issue is, as with most gay men, he won’t admit it. But the red flags are there. Have been all along but I didn’t even consider that until I went to Bonnie.
I’m on Bonnie’s support group. I’m looking for answers at the moment. This is worse than dealing with a psychopath as it isn’t as easy to spot when they are closets. But if he is, I’ve have wasted my life…the ultimate betrayal as they use women to hide behind. I learned a lot about psychopaths but this ….BUT THIS!!! This is so new and I’m not educated in it. I’m learning though.
I’m wondering why I get nothing but disasters! I have to look at myself and being naive and trusting. At my age! What is the reason in life that I took this journey? What good is it?
Thanks to you SER and Annette.
Bally…how long have you been married?
My best friend’s husband did not admit it either. Even after the divorce and everything. He will never admit it. He also used her only as a cover…very sad. She wasted literally half of her life. He is extremely narcissistic. It’s all about him. He was never a real “husband” to her. Gave her all the material things she would want in the world as he was a millionaire, but never the real love she needed. And she didn’t even want the material things…that is not who she is. It was a very sad situation. When I see his picture on Facebook, it just makes me very sad.
Same with my friend, the red flags have been there all along, even from the very first day of marriage…the wedding night. She finally saw the light.
It’s so ironic you ask yourself the reason you took this journey…what good is it? I have been asking myself that in the past few weeks about the tangle I had with the narcissistic spath. One thing I do know without a doubt is that it happened so I would learn a lesson, which I did! And glory be to God for that! Glory that I LISTENED!! Finally!! But other than that, I have been asking, why?? What other reason was that all for? For that to be in my life and then gone in a vapor like it never actually happened. Sometimes it all seems so surreal to me.
SER, defacto for nearly 22 years. No intimacy wanted with me after 9 months. And I was always to blame or he was too tired. Said he found a woman’s private parts (being polite here) ugly. So many examples I can give but he won’t admit it. He denies it. I don’t think many men say no to sex for 21 years unless they are getting it somewhere else and/or in a closet.
Bally…absolutely! Real and healthy men want sex all the time. There is something definitely wrong with him. Yes, either getting it somewhere else or just in the closet and is remaining celibate or perhaps he just masturbates a lot. No matter which way you slice it though, it is not healthy for you. You have to make a decision to either live with it or go. My friend struggled for years about what to do and now she is soooooo happy. And what man thinks a woman’s parts are ugly?? Most of them LOVE women and everything about them!
SER, is there any other info you can send me please? I’m feeling lost as this is all new to me…I can answer on psychopaths but not this. Also there is narcissism in his behaviour but I don’t know much about NPD.
Bally…here is a good article:
http://www.today.com/id/23168113/ns/today-today_health/t/i-married-gay-man/#.UiAQgjZOMSY
I don’t know about you, but once my friend finally realized that he was gay, she could no longer stay in the marriage. That was absolutely out of the question for her for good reason. I mean, if a man is gay, there is nothing you will ever do to change that…he likes men and you are not a man. That is the bottom line. I know you probably don’t want to get a divorce, but if he is truly gay, what choice do you have if you ever want to have a normal relationship or marriage with a man? You can choose to stay, but just know there will always be strife because you are not what he wants and that is on him, not you! You are a woman! You can’t ever change that!!!
Thanks SER, only the straight wives support group “get” what I’m saying as noone would believe it – no one! I can see that you do from your expertise of your friend. So about 20 years ago I stopped going to friends as they couldn’t get it.
Bally…yes, I get it because I literally lived through it with her as she told me everything and confided in me all the time…I know everything about her experience. You will be in my prayers, Bally.
Not that a spath will ever change, but a person living the lifestyle of sodomy is making a choice. I think many sodomites are not spaths. They can change their behavior and make good choices.
I know personally of men who have stopped and have married women, even, not just began sleeping with them. They have stopped the choice of sodomy for decades, yes–it’s not just a phase they’re trying. Sodomy was a phase they were trying. We have it backwards in the world now. In so many areas, not just this.
It is possible to do right instead.
Also SER, I learned from the support group that many gays are also narcissists. Now I see it when in the past I couldn’t understand his behaviour at times. I hate this. It is awful. I don’t want it to be true but need to know.
Hi
How about when the spouse who discards you is a non believer ? I think its ok to divorce when the non believer leaves you. Am i correct ? Thanks
If he will stay, let him stay. If he goes, let him go and be in peace. It’s in ICor (7 i think). I dont have time right now to look it up.
We definitely dont have to stay for the abuse. But we can’t get married again is what I see.
Jesus’ disciples were appalled and said Lord let it not be so! (or again, something to that effect, im going off the top of my head right now) They were used to divorcing for anything. Now they saw BAM…u get married–you’re STUCK. It’s not something u do on a whim. It needs alot of counsel b4 u jump into that vow.
That is my understanding also. 1 Cor 7:11 address a situation where a spouse (wife) has left the marriage for a reasons that are not grounds for divorce, maybe due to some disagreement. In this case, the Bible prohibits remarriage. So if the husband is abusive or insulting but he does not commit adultery/porn nor desert his wife, she can leave to protect herself but she can’t remarry. As a Christian, she would be praying and maybe fasting about the situation, and God would deliver her according to His will. As a practical matter, abusive insulting husbands often (not always) are having affairs, doing porn, and end up leaving their wives anyway, which would permit her to divorce and remarry.
Desertion is always grounds for divorce; and if a spouse commits desertion he/she is by definition an unbeliever because if one believes God and keeps His commandments he/she does not desert a valid marriage.
1 Cor 7:12 states that being married to an unconverted spouse(not a Christian, not a “believer) is not a valid reason to divorce.
I do not know of any scripture preventing remarriage when there is adultery or desertion. Matthew 19:9 states that divorce and remarriage is not wrong if adultery (including porn) has been committed against you.
1 Cor 7:15 says that if a spouse deserts you, you are not bound to the marriage, which means that you are free to remarry.
1 Cor 7:39 says that death of a spouse releases the surviving spouse from the marriage. Remarriage should be only to a Christian which is a principle of any marriage.
In my own situation, I was deceived into marrying a ‘man’ who turned out to be an abusive insulting sadistic jerk who was also not interested in sexual intimacy with an adult woman. I kept trying to take things into my own hands and leave the marriage without Biblical grounds to do so. When I finally was willing to submit to His will and remain in the miserable marriage, about a week later I learned that his cross dressing before marriage was a Biblical way out, and I learned he had done porn during our marriage. Although I was pretty upset at the time about the porn, I was now unbound from the marriage which was a great gift to me.
It’s my understanding that desertion is always grounds for divorce; and if a spouse commits desertion he/she is by definition an unbeliever because if one believes God and keeps His commandments he/she does not desert a valid marriage.