UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev. This is for you:
“For the first time in life i focused on valuing my emotional state, my emotional freedom, and the joy of loving myself for who i was as an authentic person, who would know authentic happiness that was not reliable on anything except for me.”
I found this in my journal from last year . It keeps going
“The freedom and joy I experienced in this new journey was truly indescribable. The value and worth i received in my life far outweighed any of the ‘false currency.’ No more walking on broken egg shells, power struggles, no more lies and betrayals.
He will still wake up every morning with the gnawing pain of a tortured inner self , his inner demons, regardless what beautiful, sexy and young wonan he may be entertaining.”
He will get old and sick, lose his looks, his charm and charisma . He is not the immortal God he would like to think he is. He will not have the privilege of loving memories, or the feeling of having lived a great and solid life of integrity in order to accept his mortality and die peacefully.
And this is why you are so much better of without him.
Kaya you are so sweet to think of me..all of my friends on here too. I love this post . Last night was really really bad for some reason. I was puking up water because I had no eaten. I had such bad overwhelming anxiety. I took a pill and finally calmed down.
Today was much better no . contact. I did think about him but today I went out..got a oil change. .then went to a friend’s to sunbathe. It.was like just for a few hours I felt human again.
taralav,
Welcome back to the land of humans, a feeling HE will NEVER know. I am looking forward to more posts from you sharing the good things in your life.
Don’t be mistaken in attributing him human abilities that he can only pretend.
You’re the real deal. He’s a fake. And we ALL know it.
Tara, you are doing so well. You are so strong, I know you will get through this hell.
Kaya48
This post is so beautiful. and so very true.
I have been reading your posts, and others, here on this article. I have watched Taralav struggle and yet, turn the page. Like ALL of us, she did not want to believe the truth. She fought the truth. But finally, she accepted what IS truth. And now she can focus on what really matters: herself and her son.
I have made comments every now and then but am not really part of the convo. But I have followed it and this convo is powerful in it’s revolution.
My struggle is in another area, that I call phase II. It’s harder, and easier. Harder because I am facing what my daughter has become, but easier because I know I can not MAKE her be a person with a conscience or MAKE her be a person of good moral character.
My daughter blames and ridicules and degrades, and thinks that makes her superior and gives her power. But LOVE is power. When a person LOVES, they grow in their being. However, when a person choses to diminish others, they diminish themselves. No growth. No mother wants that for her child. So I am back on LF to find a path to peace, harder peace to find because I am SURE it’s not my fault that my husband was amoral, but I am in agony how despite all my best efforts to teach my child, she chose to be “LIKE HIM” and “LIKE THEM” (my birth family, really disgusting lowlifes)
It’s Sat night and I’ve had a cocktail. Have caught myself rambling. But I still know truth. And truth is, your post is so validating and empowering. Good words for ALL of us.
Blessings and Good Night.
Dear Donna,
first of all i want to thank you for the wonderful article about revenge on the sociopath. I have read tons of material about this matter and you were the only one ever who acknowledged and validated my need for revenge, or to put it better justice. I had an on and off relationship with a psychopath for 2 years which left me overweight, emotionally ruined and fired. It ended officially when he dumped me (i didnt know he was a p back then) and for 6 months i was a depressed wreck trying to make it through every day. Two months ago he resurfaced on fb and it was like his initial wonderful self. He got me hoovered but because we dont live in the same town anymore he started sending naked photos and explicit texts. I thought he had changed his mind, valued me and wanted me back..until i found out he has a new gf this last year and he has also proposed to her. I was so enraged and jealous i contacted her on fb and sent her all the sexting and the naked photos. Part of me wanted to warn her and also punish him for looking down on me. The result was shocking. Despite my tons of solid proof she is still with him and blocked me on fb.
I knew p’s are capable of persuasion but how can she believe him over her own eyes? I go forth and back between shock, sadness and tremendous anger. I am angry at the world too. Noone arounds me understands or cares. Today a friend of mine told me she ”doesnt believe in personality disorders” like it is some occult! I restrained myself from wishing her to encounter a p and see for herself. After the psychopath i feel like the heroine in the movie Konstantine who was the only one able to see demons and everyone laughed at her until she decided not to speak of what she saw even again. I have a loner by choise. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Changed Girl
i have not find a way to send this e-mail to contact info because for some reason the contact e-mail isnt working so i post it here.
Changed.girl- I am going into my 6th month since I was discarded. I was with my ex for 6 years. .lived together and I found out he was sleeping with a young coworker. .whom he left me for. He lied to me about it for months and like a dummy I believed him. Up until April we were together. .he was “at his moms fixing himself”.
heres what I want to tell you. The other girl doesn’t care. He can lie to them so well..I actually RECORDED my ex on my cell phone saying he was not with this girl..he finds her unattractive. .I sent it to her..she doesn’t care.
I understand how much it hurts. I have written her a very long email. .but have not sent it yet. He will lie..tell her im crazy. Even with proof this girl is stupid and doesn’t care.
you have come to a good site for advice. .I write everyday. Its been a life saver to me. Im sorry this happened to you.
Changed girl
As I posted many times revenge is impossible. In my opinion and experience, the closest thing to “revenge” is the no contact. As i changed all my email and phone no, my ex husband of over 20 years reaches out to my 19 year old son once in a while. I can see in his texts and emails that his God like ego is a little shattered because he is being totally ignored. No reaction from us in any form or shape.
Revenge like contacting the new victim backfires and has sometimes serious repurcussions. So useless and not safe.
My biggest “revenge” was serving him divorce papers by a deputy (he is a deputy himself) on the day he returned from a cruise with her. Yes, this was the best day of my life. And also not responding to his useless blaming and insults.
Taralev
I know you think about him. Stay strong. I did it and i got through it. Dont forget that you and only you are the winner in this whole mess. You have your life back.
taralav and kaya48 thank you both for your immediate reaching. I have 2 more questions: why noone doesnt care to know about psychopathy? it would have saved me so much heartache if i knew sooner, even if i had read ONE article about the red flags! And does it ever go away? This soul destroying feeling?
Changed girl, sorry about your experience. In answer to your question there isn’t enough promotion of psychopathy yet…and many reasons for that one being that victims didn’t talk about it as they were too embarrassed at what they had done to them. Duped, conned, lied to, deceived and scammed. Normally we don’t know about psychopathy until we’ve encountered one….then we do an Internet search on their behaviours and it comes up as well as sites like LoveFraud. So I believe the Internet has done much to advance knowledge of psychopathy to the world as well as books in the subject. We can all help with promoting information by sharing our knowledge with others.
And no, psychopaths don’t change. Their brains are wired up differently. If you see the red flags then run! Do not engage with any that you know of again. The rule promoted here on LoveFraud is No Contact.
Good luck!
ChangedGirl, I don’t think it’s so much that people don’t care to know about psychopathy, but rather that if they haven’t been exposed to it, it just doesn’t compute in their heads – they can’t grasp it (same as we couldn’t before it happened to us).
It makes it lonely, because our friends and family may not be able to understand the depth of what we are going through, I know for me, I heard things like “get over it” and “stop your pity party” and “that would never have happened to me” that was no help at all, since this is not a normal breakup. Once I found a therapist, this and other sites and books, I realized it was best for me to keep my distance from these people while I went through the worst of it.
This is a wonderful site and there is so much love and support here, everyone has been through it and has encouragement to offer. I have found the advice to be spot on and a lifesaver.
You are right, we would have been saved so much heartache if we had known sooner. The great thing, though, is that it will not happen to us again! Kaya is an inspiration of how far she has come in just over a year and her perspective and attitude are just awesome.
The soul destroying feeling does go away. No Contact should be your mantra, focusing on you and your well being your priority, and realizing that sometimes we take two steps forward only to take one step back and that is ok. Just keep going.
In August it will be 3 years since I was discarded and it took until this February to cut the final tie with my ex. I worked very hard on myself during this time. Recently, I’ve been down because of this and that and was feeling discouraged because I thought I was past it all, thinking it was because of him and all that crap. This week I realized that it had nothing to do with him, or what he did, and something else all together. Happy dance! I have normal problems!!
You will do great! Welcome to this safe and supportive place.
haha HanaleiMoon. I love victory dances. I have written so many notes in my journal about moments of realizing I was recovering.
I too had that voila moment of realizing I was have NORMAL problems!
And I keep thinking that “I have fully recovered”, and then again, another Voila! Another aspect recovered that I had not realized I had lost.
Recently I regained my sense of opportunities, that I had CHOICES! For so long, I thought life had passed me by and that doors were closed to me, no more open doors. That I was to old to expect possibilities anymore. Well, by gosh, I was wrong! It was the pain of oppression that made me conclude my life was a narrow path! I stopped thinking that I have nothing more to recover… who knows what else I will find!
I do not diminish what I have lost, but it’s turning out not as complete as I had thought. And I can make something with what I have re-discovered.
Cheers!
ChangedGirl,
Yes the pain from FEELING soul destroying goes away. But it does take a long time for it to be completely gone.
I recommend George K Simon, Jr., Ph.d. book “Character Disturbance” explanation about why people have such a problem with “psychopathy”. My library has a copy so yours might too (I’m all for saving money)
Dr Simon also has a website and he is on youtube with some very informative videos. http://www.manipulative-people.com
Wow taralev
I am so proud of you. You are giving sone good advice. That is so awesome. You truly see him fir what he is. And you did not send the email to her. Congrats. I knew you can do it. Keep healing and you will be where i am today ( 16 months after discard). :).
I don’t know about Taralev yet, but yes, for me the soul destroying feeling goes away. I am actually happier, more at peace and healthier than when I was with him for over 20 years. Like Taralev he left me for a co worker and blamed “I was mentally ill”. I went through ugly divorce proceedings , came out stronger and more empowered , came out a winner both financially and emotional. Best decision I ever made. I had weapons like my lawyer, I had this website, good friends and co workers , and my mother and my son.
Looking back, it was a blessing Satan put this little Delilah in his path. Satan knew he could not resist.
Taralav you have now moved on to an Advisor from a victim! Well done! You can now support the newbies sadly arriving here like Kaya, Aintgonna, Joyce, SER, Annette, Stargazer and others have done for you. You still have to work through this but you can now also focus on others and that will help you heal….writing to others is like advising yourself and you will reflect on your own advice. Keep recovering!
Bally
Isn’t it great that Taralev joined us now. I can tell she improved so much over the past weeks and I am so proud and happy for her. I know she still has a lot if work to do but whatever advice we are giving to her, must be working.
When I was in the “victim” stage last year I really appreciated everyone here. Hanalei , SER, jm short ,I think ain’t and so many others. They were my life savers. I really listened to each one of you. I had my difficult days and nights and many “crazy” times in divorce and civil court but I survived and recovered.
My son just recently said “wow, those people on that blog site really know what they are talking about”. So true. Any day , any time , I was able to ask for guidance. Because this was all new to me. And asking my lawyer was getting to expensive even though he was an expert on sociopaths. :). Thank you all.
Without you I would still be responding to his insults. Hey I have not cried in 7 or 8 months. What an improvement from my daily tears when he was in my life.
Kaya you have been a life-line to Taralav and a credit to Lovefraud. You have guided her through the mire. Well done!
You are too Bally!! Everyone on here every one of you..im just starting to heal a tiny bit. But only thanks to you all. You probably saved my life truly.
I still am having pains..and changed girl–I always knew there was something wrong with my ex..the lies were too bizarre. But no one prepared me for this!!
Taralav, thank you and you are right you were not prepared for this! No one is the first time as we aren’t educated in the red flags of LoveFraud and psychopathy. But if you meet a creep again your heart will start pounding and you will take flight!
Bally
Thank you . I know how devastating it is. I was in a so similar situation as Taralev. I was married a little longer, but I was also the recipient of a restraining order and “declared” mentally ill by my ex. I was also told “hd had to leave because of me”. And you know there are ways to end marriages and relationships. To end it on terms that the victim is suddenly the “perpetrator” is plain evil. I was married to grow old together and to be loved. Cheating makes you are liar, no matter what.
“They leave a wake of destruction in their path full of broken hearts, broken promises, destroyed families and a string of lies that would make Lucifer proud. At the end they will try to take everything from you and your children, they would throw you on the street; they will try to destroy you. They will self destruct in their own anger because if there is one thing they do feel is anger and no longer having control . Put your emotions to the side and walk away period.”
Someone wrote the above and it made a lot if sense to me.
Anyone who feels that they need to walk out on their family does not deserve to come back to that same family. EVER.
Kaya I’ve been following the posts as much as I can and saw the support you gave with caring advice and I couldn’t add to it…I was here but couldn’t add more than what you have given to Taralav. That’s why I don’t always post because you did the best job.
You’ve been a great friend to Taralav. The best.
This is a letter my counselor had me write to my ex but had me hand it to her instead of him:
The letter is called Thank you:
Thank you for everything that you have given me over the course of our relationship.
Thank you for frustrating me until I found my voice. You know how shy I was.
Thank you for making me suspicious when you forgot to delete those pictures off the computer and phone.
Thank you for giving me so much practice at lie-detection. I am now an expert.
Thank you for giving me strength when you walked out on us one night, only hours after I got home from being hospitalized.
Thank you for shaking my faith to its foundation so I was forced to build it back stronger.
Thank you for making me the best mom in the world, by being the worst father.
Most of all, thank you for my beautiful, smart son. I couldn’t have had him without you. He is the best thing we have ever done.
Sincerely
The only good thing you had going for you. (Myself and your child).