UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Not what-thank.you..I’m still having my issues but you too have helped me..everyone. its a sharp pill to swallow and try to accept that it was all fake. But I am going to at least try. I still cry..Friday night was really bad for me..but today was ok.
Have a cocktail for me!.or two
taralav
At least now you believe us when we say YOU are the normal one, You are the REAL one, You are also “not what he is saying of you”.
And you know where to go for REAL validation from people who truly understand where you are, and the journey you have to endure. But, also, that there is joy at the end of all the pain.
Not what,
Thank you. I am glad you like my posts. I am able to post since I work 2nd shift , so there is always some time.
Regarding your daughter, I honestly don’t have much advice. My 19 year old son is the total opposite if his father. Since he was born my goal in life was to raise him to become a better person than his father. He was a huge support for me during this difficult time. I know parents should not use their children for support in a divorce. Since he was 18 it was different. I am not sure what I did but he turned out to be a young man with compassion, empathy, respect and caring.
I hope there are some people here who have advice about children.
Have a good night and I am glad I can help in some ways. I work in the medical field , so caring is a top priority for me.
kaya48
I think there are a LOT of LF victims who are in the medical field and/or care takers/moms. Nurturing is natural for us, as natural as soul sucking is for sociopathic predators like my ex husband!
I have been doing a lot of life reviewing in regards to my daughter. I think I was so traumatized by my ex husband’s behavior and focused on him, trying to make sense in all those years of nonsense, that I failed to see the real issues with my daughter. I attributed certain behaviors as ‘spoiled single child’ stuff when it was really self centered inconsiderate lack of empathy red flags.
George Simon, Ph.D. has a great book, “Character Disturbance” that I find very helpful. I recommend it as a resource for everyone here on LF. It explains WHY people have such a hard time wrapping their head around what these animals are: SOCIOPATHS.
How old is your daughter if you don’t mind saying?
Hello AnnettePK
My daughter is late 20’s now.
When she was younger, she would ridicule me, she would lie and tell her teachers that I was an abuser so they would not contact me or tell me about how she was not doing her work and they would pass her without requiring her to complete the coursework (I did not know this, I found out AFTER high school). But, all through her school years, she would chat with me and I thought I had some influence. In contrast, she would also ally with my ex, and gain so much approval from him and his minions.
On our drives to school or various places, she would talk with me and I would share the obvious, talking to her about how taking responsibility and achieving was the path to fulfilling desires and opening doors of opportunities, that she was gifted, that she was capable, that she was loved.
But these last few years, I found out she’s been lying about her history ever since jr high school. She’s been blaming me, that she had a very very abusive childhood, and the consequence is no one will talk to me or tell me or accuse me and let me explain myself; when they do speak, they are hostile towards me, telling me that my daughter has been so kind to me inspite of how abusive I am. I am NOT abusive, I am the target of abuse and she was a part of it… but I did not blame her.
I did think that when my ex’s mask came off and she saw him for what he really was, that she’d stop the lying about me. But instead, every time she has come up against someone expecting her to be responsible, she doesn’t even try, she just blames me and incredibly, without exception, they let her escape accountability.
A couple of years ago, I said I would not submit to her lies any more, and since then, she has increased the seriousness of her accusations of what she says I did to her. Although I haven’t done so, I can prove I supported and provided for her. (I haven’t said so b/c to me, to say such a thing sounds like a threat, to say I can prove she is a liar sounds like a power play, so while I am aware I have this proof, I don’t say it, but the fact is I have ALL her emails/letters and because of my divorce, I have ALL my receipts and invoices and tax returns.)
I consider my daughter as someone with a broken spirit, but at this point, she is VERY dangerous towards me. She does not live near me but she could make accusations that have legal consequences. I do not speak to her anymore, because she cut off all communication. When I think of her, I just cry and cry and cry. This is not what I want for my precious only child.
I know I answered much longer than your question but I am so sad. All the research just blames me, the mom. There is an assumption that abuse is true, no help for moms who are seeking help. Nothing talks about how to heal false accusations or how to deal with a child who abuses and degrades and discredits. I did NOT abuse her. I wanted to leave my ex, but she was of age to chose HIM and so I stayed and did my best to encourage her to be her own person.
It’s my Sunday and I spend it with God. (another thing she ridicules me about, she says I only pretend to seek God. But God is the REASON she exists. God blessed me with her, and I have lived that attitude her entire life. She does not believe in God, says it’s weak to believe in fairy tales. My ex did that too, he took her out of church and encouraged her as a teen that God was not real.)
It’s all such a mess. I tell God and pray for her broken spirit. I don’t see any thing else to do.
Notwhat, OMG that is just awful. Your daughter being like that on top of the Spath. What do you think the issue is…from your knowledge of disorders? This is so sad, it is really terrible for you. I’m learning we can’t fix a broken person but they can break us.
Not, it is heartbreaking, really… Thank you for sharing this. I asked about your daughter’s age because I am experiencing some difficulties with my 18 year old only son. It is such a complex mix of genetic disposition and the child’s response to being abused, witnessing abuse and contempt, all of which has a profound effect on the physical development of the brain and thought pathways. Like you, I have cried much for his situation and the losses in our relationship. I feel that at age 18 my son’s future is still unwritten, and will be shaped by his choices and God intervening in his life to meet his real emotional needs and to heal the damages done to him in his childhood.
Because of the mess the ex P made of my life, and the hardships of being a single parent (widowed) to start with, I find it difficult to understand clearly who is responsible for what, and what realistic expectations are for an 18 year old.
Again, I am so sorry for your pain at being estranged and abused by your daughter. Beyond sad.
Bally and AnnettePK,
Thank you for your kind words. LF is the ONLY place where I am believed. ALL other sites assume I am an abuser in denial, an abuser who won’t take responsibility, that she wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t abused her. But that’s the opposite of the truth, she was encouraged to scapegoat ME. She knows HE taught her these skills, HE was wrong to do it, but she STILL engages in the same behavior. Such behavior sabotages HER, she can’t be happy doing this to another, it limits her world, her work, her friends, her opportunities. It binds her to a world of anger and rage. It sabotages her self respect. It undermines the ONE relationship where her mom loves her for HER.
Not, We are believed here because we have been through the spath experience first hand. I try to be understanding of those who don’t get it, because before I got targeted by the spath, I (arrogantly) thought abuse victims do something to contribute to their plight, therefore it would never happen to me. My attitude was more or less subconscious, and I was appropriately sympathetic to victims, but I had absolutely no understanding of what they experienced nor would I have believed that anyone could actually really and truly be and do what a spath is and does.
With respect to your daughter, consider that children of abusers, spaths, etc. often side with the disordered parent. I have observed this and I think there is a good explanation by Lundy Bancroft in one of his books. Unconsciously, the child knows that the disordered parent gives ‘love’ and ‘approval’ conditionally, and the disordered parent will turn on them ruthlessly if they take a position in favor of the victim parent. The child has witnessed the disordered parent abuse and destroy anyone who goes against him, so they have fear of the disordered parent whether it’s conscious or unconscious. The child also knows that the normal parent loves them unconditionally, does not require them to take sides or turn against the disordered parent, and will always love them and be there for them. Children need the love and approval of their parents and they fear the pain that rejection and abuse from a parent would bring. This thought process is usually subconscious, but it’s self protective and results in alienating the normal loving parent and ‘siding with’ the disordered abusive parent.
I don’t know whether that is what may be going on with your daughter, but I’ve read that it happens often. My ex P’s daughters from his first ex wife in their late 20’s/early 30’s had turned on their mother in this way and were not speaking to her, blaming her for things they knew nothing about. The spath set the whole thing up to alienate and torture his first ex wife. I don’t think any of them besides the spath really understood what was going on. They were his puppets.
My daughter is 28. She is almost the same exact person as ur daughter. The story is so similar. Like why does everyone believe HER instantly?? Ppl that KNEW me? I can understand professionals not being professional and choosing to believe the professed victim…but all of them? One of my (very few left) friends thinks she reads psych cases and then gives the story to a shrink who validates it as true. Then she believes it after awhile, herself.
She is so psychotic. It breaks my heart to even write that. But she’s absolutely toxic to me or my younger girls at home still.
God is my crutch. I even get that from her too.
I dont talk to her. We are civil if we run into each other at family functions but that’s it. And that’s only yearly, often two.
I hear ur hurt.
I FEEL ur despair.
I am right there with you.
HUGS
AnnettePK,
If I had to do it over again, well, the help wasn’t there then. But Today, facing that kind of inexplicable rage and disconnect from my teen, and knowing my ex is a sociopath who played mindgames, trained my child to be an emotional abuser, and encouraged my child to measure her “power” in the tears of pain shed by the one who loved her, I’d contact an expert in cults, and an expert in mind control, and an expert in Stockholm syndrome and I’d put together a plan to wake up the victim from certain control techniques.
To wait, as I was advised to do, to wait for my child’s anger to resolve was too passive, esp when the abuser is a sociopath. I thought she would see moral character and chose that, instead she has chosen control and deception which is understandable, as you are aware, they were taught that ethics and morality are weaknesses and as witnesses to disintegration (my deep depression), it’s easy to understand why she chose what SEEMED to be the “WIN”, after all, the master defined his method as the “WIN”, and so does much of society. Only those caught in the trap of the “WIN” know it’s a rope to strangle themselves.
My daughter is older, and that window of time has shut. But I do think there must be something I can do, just as people KNEW before there was something to try but with held that choice, HOPING that things would resolve. Hope was a crap shoot. BE proactive. At least, if the worse happens, it won’t be cause you sat and waited for it. ~my opinion of course.
Dear Ain’t,
Weird that my daughter does what you describe. She monitors this site and she also uses psychology jargon to bolster her “proof” that I perpetrated unspeakable abuse on her. But everything she has claimed was actually MY LIFE. I am the one who suffered those things at the hands of my birth family, the family that I NEVER let near her, in order to protect her. The pain of being accused of doing the things that I thought I left in my childhood is to open terrible wounds.
For her, it’s an excuse, a story. For me, I KNOW the pain and I know her response is clearly NOT of experience, it’s of imagination like when people watch a movie actor and think they understand war from an interpretation of a script. For instance, my daughter had has NO stitches or broken bones, but I have them in ALL the places she has claimed they happened to her. She claims to have been neglected and starved, no Dr or Dental visits until she paid for them. But there are photos of her with braces at 10 yrs, and NO cavities until she was 25 yrs, while I have a mouth full of fillings and crowns because I was the one starved and no dentist until I left home and paid for it.
People set aside their common sense! Did they think she earned the money and walked to the orthodontist 9 miles away for braces at 10 yrs? Nobody asked me. They believe her EVERY story, even the one that her birth mother was a prostitute. I am her birth mother and I was Never a prostitute. I still hang out with the friends who helped me come home from the hospital where I had a C-section, (she was a big baby, I could barely lift her), the SAME hospital where I worked and won performance awards, all in my personnel records and copies are in my resume file.
To defend myself sounds pathetic. But if I could get people to understand she’s not being truthful, then I hoped they’d HELP her instead of enable her. But no, they call ME delusional. And more time goes by where HER delusions are declared TRUTHS. There’s no help for reality based on LIES.
Not-
I can surely relate-
My son had ADHD. He was notorious for destroying furniture, among other things. One summer when he was away at a specialized camp, I had a carpenter rebuild his room in an unbreakable fashion. There was a large counter for play and work with storage underneath for books, supplies and toys. The entire room was prepared in a rugged, western motif that he loved. The only non-built in was his chair. He destroyed 4 of them before I stopped replacing them.
His room was only steps away from our kitchen, and the chairs were light enough to carry back and forth when he needed one.
Shortly after I stopped replacing the chairs, I had a parent-teacher conference at the school. The teacher gave me the usual report about his lack of homework completion or sloppy production. This time his excuse was that his mean old mother didn’t give him a chair and provide him an adequate place to study.
A teacher sent him to the hall because he’d misbehaved several times in the class. When the teacher went to speak with him, my little cherub feigned that he struck him and ran to the principals’s office to report him. The man was fired before I even got to the school to pick up my son that day.
Years later, my son was in his early twenties, he ran into the teacher on the subway. They had a pleasant exchange and my son came home with the story. He laughed about how he got the teacher fired when the man hadn’t harmed even a hair on his head.
I asked if he had apologized to him. He laughed and told me I was “crazy.”
No remorse, no conscience, no responsibility.
That’s my baby!
Joyce
Here is a quote this morning from the website Psychopath Free. It really speaks to what Tara has been going through the past few weeks:
Emotional abusers appear to run happily off into the sunset with their next targets, making you wonder if perhaps they really are capable of love. But there is never a happy ending with these people. They gleefully parade their latest victims on display to evoke jealousy & drama, which is already a sign that they haven’t magically grown a conscience. But soon after the idealization, they will get bored. They always get bored. It is a constant, nagging affliction that consumes their every thought. To temporarily alleviate it, they will begin to erode the new victim’s identity – toying with them for some quick relief. Eventually, this isn’t enough. They need more. They need to see their victim writhe and beg. They need their victim to self-destruct. And thus, the cycle of abuse repeats itself forever and always. There is no need to wonder if they’ve somehow found true happiness without you. Anyone who treated you with such venom & contempt is not capable of suddenly loving another human being. These qualities are mutually exclusive.
HanaleiMoon
A very good summary of what happens. They feel victory by evoking jealousy and drama, manipulating that as proof that their victims are “mentally unstable”. One week we are married, the next week we are expected to “move on”, that we were SO deficient that he saved himself by having an affair, stealing our community assets, and alienating our children’s affections. This is defined as HONORABLE and we are shamed. It’s done by MASTERS of image identity managers. And yes, abandonment and rejection is not enough, these sociopaths NEED to completely destroy their recently discarded partners, otherwise it’s not a real “WIN”.
It’s hard for their victims to understand the sociopath is Defining us, saying we do not know what is LOVE, and they do. Poppycock. They pervert and warp the meaning of lots of words, esp the meaning of LOVE.
Your last three sentences should be tattooed on our psyche.
There’s so much wisdom on these pages today, thank you for sharing your thoughts with those of us lurking on the outskirts!
Not, my 29yo daughter drinks and plays pool with her alcoholic spath father. Sometimes it’s unclear how much she buys into his Stuff — but her own romantic relationships echo her desolation, confusion and anger.
Both kids’ ongoing relationship has made it far harder for me to escape him. They are used as ploys and decoys, so while I’d taught them to believe in their father’s love and the safety of their relationships with him, I have since suffered the torments of the damned for doing so.
As for you Tara, I’m so proud of you! for not just hanging in there but having “extra” to provide support to someone else signing on. While your spath has worked at convincing you that you are flawed, insecure and needy (or whatever) there is no way all these other people are also, right? Actually you’re NOT flawed, insecure or needy, anymore than they are. You’re sane, rational, thoughtful, helpful, sincere … and mad as hell for having been mistreated.
That’s how you’re supposed to feel, so give yourself a reasonable period of convalescence for the wound you’ve sustained.
To the other insightful metaphors being provided, I’d add this one from the funny TV show of old named “Soap” which was packed with glimmers of wisdom and humor. In this scene, the man breaks up with a woman at a restaurant shortly after dinner has been served. She angrily picks up her plate and we expect her to hurl it onto him — but instead she furiously dumps it onto herself.
On a lighter note, I’m now also recalling the episode in which the sisters discuss the #1 Reason why it is not a good idea to fake it in bed: because then they think you like it that way! and you are stuck with it forevermore. So true. 🙂
Come to think of it, much of the gist of the show was about how we dismantle ourselves as women and can become more aware. Maybe we are on the vanguard of a generational Push toward a more evolved relationship between the sexes.
Hanalei
This is a very good article. Yes, I stopped wondering too if he is happy or what he is doing. It took me quiete some time to stop that thought. But really, who cares what he is doing or who he is with. I think Taralev will be ok just like I am ok. It’s been about 16/17 months since he left us one night. Still waiting for my final divorce judgement. It was a tough road.
Today, waking up , looking at my pets, my “temporary home ” which I am renting (it’s beautiful by the way) talking to my son, I have everything. And i can think clear, not that crazy making noise in my head. Not that worry I am being lied to and at the same time made a fool out of. I might not live in my dream home but I am free of the darkness he brought over the family. My life seems bright and full of joy. And it’s only been a little over a year.
Kaya-i am glad to hear you don’t think about him I really hope I truly get to that point. I don’t want to be over a year waiting to get there. I just want it out of my mind..it is always there..every day. What he is doing with her..if hes happy. Hes made me seem like I did something wrong. Like he was trying to escape me is how he put it. I gave him a good life. .I don’t understand what I did so wrong
Hanilei..yes this is exactly point on wow..thank you for posting this.
I am so disgusted he wasted so much of my life. I put up with the lies. Thats MY fault. What woman would stay with a man who lied about where he worked?? That was my own fault. He has smeared my image and made me to look the crazy one. It is so unfair
Taralav,
Gotta take issue with you. Take responsibility for only YOUR stuff. Give yourself grace for NORMAL responses.
When faced with a partner or spouses lies, nobody throws it all away. We try to work with it, try to resolve. You did not know what he was doing behind your back. The disconnect with what you were led to believe and what was done to you is called SHOCK.
You responded NORMALLY to SHOCK.
There’s plenty for us to be accountable for, but being NORMAL is not your burden to carry. That you were played is ALL ON HIM.
(Yes! Be disgusted with him, he did waste your time. But, not one day/hour/minute more, and boy you can use what you’ve learned to helpful yourself, and others, in future.)
Taralav,
Right now, at this stage, you are looking at everything with a skewed sense of reality. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. As Donna and Joyce have told us, love chemicals play a huge part in our decision to trust someone, even when their words are so outlandish. We all have believed the unbelievable. As is said, hindsight is 20/20.
Now that you are NC, you can see him more clearly. The love chemicals are waning. Soon, you will be able to see yourself better and understand why and how you responded the way you did. You weren’t stupid or gullible, you WERE manipulated and abused. Your genuine trust was used against you. It really wasn’t your fault.
And yes, it is so unfair. It’s so stinkin unfair. We were used and thrown away. Our children were pawns and discarded. It’s not just unfair. It’s the agenda of the demented.
I hope you are focusing on better days ahead. The weekend is so tough for me. During the week, I know he’s at work, but weekends…..he’s with someone else. It burns my soul. I just hold on until Monday. But I try to remind myself of all the wonderful blessings I have, and they are many. My kids, my friends, my future.
It was so good to read your encouragement of others. You are doing better. That’s an answered prayer.
🙂
Hoping
This is so true “God knew a solution before you ever knew there was a problem “. So well said.
Another scripture I looked back on was:
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am you God; I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
I also noticed that the sin of pride plays a big part in our stories here. I know my ex was extremely prideful. But pride makes us want to control the lives of others to impose ourselves on them, to “domineer ” over them. Pride takes the form of self-centeredness. We want others to notice us, we are touchy and easily offended. Pride goads us to seek fame, praise, and admiration. We fall into vain glory.
This is why pride is the greatest sin because it’s a summit of self love and is directly opposed to submission to God. It is therefore the sin most hated by God, AND THE ONE HE PUNISHES MOST SEVERELY .
Pride describes so many abusers, narcissists and sociopaths.
To all of you who are pondering the lack of knowledge that’s in society regarding psychopaths, there is really something YOU can do about it! The blame and shame society heaps on you, and that you heap on yourself, because you were victimized, can only change through enlightenment.
Most of us on this site were victimized by emotional rape and rape by fraud. In some states, rape by fraud is already a crime. In other states, it should be. When an offender lies to you in order to ensnare you into a sexual relationship, they are committing rape by fraud.
Lies of “intent” are particularly difficult to prove. That does not mean that you were not injured. But it means that a criminal prosecution would be unlikely because the prosecutor will probably not want to pursue your case. If, however, the offender lied about specific identity facts such as their name, age, religion, marital status, communicable disease, etc, depending on the statutes in your state, you may have a case.
As many of you are aware, William Allen Jordan was arrested for similar charges in New Jersey. He is currently locked up and awaiting trial on related charges. There are a couple of articles here on the blog about him. And you could Google additional articles.
I am including a link to my blog so you can review the law in your state. If you are in a state in which you were recently defrauded of sex, and rape by fraud is a criminal act, please contact Donna or me. Here’s the link: http://cadalert.blogspot.com/search/label/POST%20HERE%20to%20read%20or%20add%20state-by-state%20information%20on%20rape-by-fraud%20law
The more cases we bring on this issue, the more society will grasp about this heinous behavior.
All of you can support the effort to criminalize rape by fraud by adding to the database of offenders on the CAD Alert blog. You can do so entirely anonymously.
Kaya-
My heart goes out to you on the issues with your daughter. I have a son with whom I experienced a similar pain. There is a great deal of wisdom in Dr. Liane Leedom’s book, “Just Like His Father.”
Unfortunately, we can’t control everything in the development of a child who is genetically prone to character disorder. If you knew she was susceptible as you raised her, I’m sure you would have done everything in your power to steer her onto a loving path.
It’s hard enough to get past the defilement of emotional fraud, but the impact you see it take out on your child is devastating to your very core. The undoing of our children is with us for a lifetime, even if they ultimately desert us. And some of them do so because it is the ultimate and most excruciating blow they can deliver. In their character flawed mindset, that’s how they relate. All we can do is cope and understand that they have a moral defect.
I hope you can take solace in knowing that you did the best you could and that the destiny of your child was not something you could control. In some children, nature is a far greater influence than nurture.
Joyce
I live in a state listed, and I was defrauded into marriage by lies about his sexuality (he didn’t mention cross dressing and a porn addiction including child porn), and lies just about everything else.
Oh golly, Annette, it would be wonderful if those were actionable criminal acts in your state, and I totally support you in enforcing whatever rights exist there.
Thanks for the encouragement. It would be difficult to prove anything, and probably would activate my PTSD to think about it.
Joyce, what are your thoughts?
AnnettePK
I hope you saw my reply about what I would do if my daughter was a teen? What I wished I had done instead of letting a therapist treat the situation as if it were normal teen angst?
The therapist who dismissed the influence of a sociopath?
I did want to at least share something for you to think about for your own teen.
With remorse and regrets,
a mom
Naturally only you could decide whether to enforce your rights or not — but either way, hats off! to your state legislature, for recognizing the acts as crimes. Somebody may have another set of facts and not be in a position of further victimization for citing the perp. Just publicly identifying the behavior as criminal is a proverbial “breath of fresh air” in other words.
Kaya48,
I love that verse from Isaiah. My life verse is Isaiah 40:31
“For those who wait upon The Lord will renew their strength.
They will mount up with wings as eagles.
They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
God has proven this promise to be true many many times in my life. He protects us and gives us strength. Amazing love.
Annette-
Your description of why emotionally disturbed children side with the emotionally disturbed parent is spot-on. My son was abandoned by his father at an early age, yet he grew up to be just like him. Genetics are amazing!
Unfortunately, because his father was not there to support him, I literally worked my a.. off to do so. If I’d read Dr. Leedom’s book, I’d have know to strap him onto my body like a papoose and take him everywhere I went. Instead, I went to work and left him in the hands of nannies. I thought we had a strong bond, but at 18, when his totally non-supporting father waltzed back into his life, he claimed I’d “driven him away,” and threw expensive perks at him.
It didn’t take long before the money on his father’s side outweighed the concern for his future and interest in going back to college from my side. I was the bad cop who pressed him to be responsible. His father was the good cop, who wanted to show me up in every possible way.
I know my son felt compelled to turn his back because he knew his father wanted him to, and he wanted the connection to the extraordinary affluence of his father. He knows his father’s love is conditional, and mine is totally unconditional. He knows that I will love him no matter what, always, even through his cruelty.
I thought getting over the loss of my marriage to a psychopath was difficult until I had to recover from the loss of my only child. For those of us who are still going through this nightmare, I can only convey that dealing with the reality of my child’s emotional makeup is how I coped. It doesn’t stop me from missing him, but it gives enough peace to admit joy back into my life once again.
Joyce
This is so overwhelmingly tragic; I am so sorry. It seems like there’s a pattern where a wife and mother is victimized, demonized, blamed, accused, lied to, lied about, by both the husband and children.
It isn’t random. I guess genetics and exposure to a disordered parent are a dangerous combination. A boy learns how to treat a woman from how his dad treats his mom.
I don’t know enough to discern whether and how much my ex P’s family of origin was. Some things seemed off, but it could have been their family culture. My ex P told me once that he didn’t think he ever bonded with his mother. That seemed so weird to me, for it to be true and for him to say it to me. I told a (male) friend, who commented, “If he didn’t bond with his mother, he isn’t going to bond to anyone.” Very true.
Annette-
It’s indeed true. Every girl should be aware that if a son can’t bond with his mother, there is something intrinsically wrong.
Sure, there could be instances in which a child suffered unspeakable abuse at his Mother’s hands. She could have been a drug addict, alcoholic or insane. But if that mother lives a normal, productive life, and is a caring, concerned person, the likelihood of the son’s claims being anything but self-serving distortion is unlikely.
Joyce