UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
hi LF friends..please pray today to give me strength. Its been I think 4 days now? I need to look at my calendar. Its been very hard..lots of tears. I just cant wait to get out of town and visit a friend this weekend
Tara-
The more you engage in activities that take you away from your focus on your ex, the better off you are!
He is no longer a part of you. He behaved badly toward you, but you are still you,…. only wiser.
You have physically freed yourself from his cruelty and only you can control the emotional hold he has on you. Don’t let that bastard take an inch of territory in your heart! Enjoy!
Joyce
Have prayed for comfort and strength for you, and for your success in overcoming and reaching your goals.
Lots of love to you. Keep taking good care of yourself.
Hi taralav
You have taken some of his power away. The battle continues. I found it helpful to focus on activities that both kept me busy AND fed my soul. I took to walking, and nearly always went with someone so we’d chat (NOT about him). What do you like to do that makes you feel contentment when you do it? I also turned to developing my relationship with my faith. My church has activities every evening (my weak time), not always biblical. We have movie night, and music night. I also invited people to my house for a cooking thing. That was great fun. Maybe you could do something fun to get ready for your upcoming weekend visit?
Will certainly pray for your strength and God’s protection from evil. Blessed Be. Amen.
Am looking forward to hearing about your upcoming weekend plans.
How interesting. My ex’s family was the most uncaring, coldest, and “strangest” family I have ever met. I only got to know one other so out if the 5 children and he was definetely a sociopath also. The father was not the picture as he left the family for a young co worker after 25 years. So meeting his family and observing how cold there were should have been a red flag. There was no love, no hugging, no laughing.
I grew up in a loving family and I did my best to show my son these values and morales. Since my ex was mostly deployed with the army, it was me who raised the child. And now at the age of 19 he is nothing like the father. I thank God every day that my son is a young man with compassion, caring , morales and values. And he puts others first. Even as a small child he was always concerned with the welfare of others.
Thank you for all your comments concerning children.
kaya48…so your ex did EXACTLY what his dad did by leaving the family for a young coworker?? Genetics are amazing!!
This is really another eye opener for me. We need to look at a partner’s family also. We marry not only the person, but the whole family. I think we tend to forget this important piece of the puzzle.
My babydaddy spath was abandoned by his dad. He was denied by his dad for the whole preg and then finally dad’s mom saw the 1 mo old baby n said doofus here’s a pic of u as infant. Ur son looks #exactly# like u. Mom n dad were never together beyond a few dates n he made little effort to see the baby. Mom took 2yo spath n moved cross the continent. Dad never contacted them. Moms sister married dad’s brother soon after they left. Moms sister got spath n his dad on the phn the month I met spath in fact. He’s met him once and dad is a mental case…and I thot spath just got it from his mom lol
Now spath n I were married n we have 2 kids. But outcome is the same.
THANK G.O.D.
My older kids dad had alcohol issues. He liked pot too. He had periods of dryness but he died with even coke in his system. I didn’t do drugs. He died when kids were small. No influence once again. The kids were not around drug use or tolerance either.
They also had and have drug problems.
Genetics is king. I fear for my younger kids now.
Hi Ain’t,
I am not a drinker. Have no family history of alcohol abuse but in THIS generation, ALL my siblings are addicts (except me, it’s not my thing. I did not like the feeling of being drunk or stoned.).
I thought my child had escaped that trap. She did not drink until AFTER college, has become a big time alcoholic. I think she was wired to be that way.
George Simon, Ph.D. writes about hedonistic attributes of the disordered; they pursue pleasure, as opposed to pursuing happiness (being drunk out of their gourd every night is NOT pursuing happiness). I think society gives such approval for hedonistic lifestyles, that those of us who caution about the trap of addiction are condemned as narrow minded and boring.
Just validating what you wrote, it’s a genetics thing, but with LOTS of social approval, that being cool is to be the party crowd. Yay, Paris Hilton. Partaayyy….(gag)
Kaya- I hope I get there soon. I have so much hate in my heart I want him to suffer like I did. I want karma to unfold..it just is not fair..he emailed me today and just rambled..called me a COWARD again for blocking his text..said he would get another order on me ( I have not even contacted him in 4 days)…then said I just look crazy and obsessed ex.
Yea- Im the crazy one. I didn’t even know I was a “ex” until April 6th and he was cheating the whole time!!
So heres the jumbled email he sent me today. I don’t even get it. He says hes fixing himself.
U have made me feel like the person u say i cant.live my.life.u telling me all my faults I kow them all thanks and I am working to correct them on fault at a time I don’t need u tracking my progress its obvius all people in my life that need communicated have been communicated with anything pertaining to me and were I am and what my intentions r
Tara, Kaya is right, don’t pay attention to this rambling, inarticulate nonsense. I used to get similar things, and it upset me greatly, trying to unravel what he meant and analyzing it. Once I realized it was only to get a reaction from me so he could escalate it, and nothing he said had any merit or even meant anything to him, it was easy to ignore them. Once I ignored a couple, he got a little panicky, calling, calling, calling and I never answered. Finally he texted, angry because I wasn’t at his beck and call (after he abandoned me, right) and when I ignored that, he stopped.
Poof!
You are right when you say you don’t even get it. There’s nothing to get. It’s just meaningless garble that might as well be in some secret language. Ignore it. You’re doing great!
LOL! Memorable, and worth repeating:
“It’s just meaningless garble that might as well be in some secret language.”
thanks Hanaleimoon-it just annoys me he sayd he is going to get better now and fix himself. I was a good woman to him..took care of him and was never unfaithful ever.
Tara, he said that to annoy you. He’s not getting better and fixing himself. Not gonna happen.
He is completely illiterate. Sorry, I am being mean and am not mean at all, but he can’t even spell or doesn’t even know how to form a sentence.
He’s not talking about anything that makes any sense. He cheated, he lied, he betrayed you and your relationship. He says NOTHING about the real problems. He just blames you for something vague to do with tracking his progress, whatever that means. And you noticing his ‘faults’ like lying and cheating is apparently a problem for him. His ‘faults’ are not a problem to him, he’s working to correct them blah blah blah. Um, if he were working to correct them, he would not be SAYING he’s working to correct them. He’d actually be doing it which would mean he’d be talking about the content of his faults, as in I lied and I cheated, here’s what I’m doing: I stopped cheating and I corrected all the lies I told, and here’s what I’m going to do to make you secure.
This is from a guy who lied and cheated on a long time relationship and he doesn’t even address these issues.
I got so much of this stuff from my ex P and it irritates me. I just can’t read the dribble without getting high blood pressure.
Yes- I know that’s true..his writing doesn’t even make sense. He just wants to have full control ,..and make me feel im missing something that is not even there. He did so many horrible things to me..just not cheating. He lied to my son…telling him to keep a surprise that a ring was coming in the mail…a separate time he told my mother that he had put a ring on layaway at kay jewelers..my family thought this big engagement surprise was coming..
it is my fault..i should have never dealt with the crap. He should have been ready to marry me after 2 years..not 6
Tara, I was with mine for 7 years and he never formally asked me to marry him but he acted as if it was a given. He went through phases where he wanted to talk about how our wedding would be (tempting me with a lush destination wedding that was far out of our price range) and what kind of dress I would have. For a couple of years, he was very pushy about always wanting to stop in jewelry stores to try on engagement rings and of course, they were super expensive. One time in particular was in Las Vegas and he kept saying, not enough bling, not enough bling to rings that were also far out of our price range. I think it was all for show.
After quite awhile of this, I actually did find, on my own, a ring I loved that was a reasonable price. I had them hold it and told him about it. He acted excited and told me he’d go look at it and hinted over and over that a surprise was coming. After a couple of weeks, I asked him if he had gone to look at it. He hung his head and said he had, and he had started to negotiate price with them…when they refused to drop the price by another $100, he walked out, and told me that he thought they’d run after him and agree but that they didn’t, and he was embarrassed to go back. He had no intention in the world of buying a ring.
A couple of months later we were in the mall and walking by that same store and he steered me toward it, saying, let’s go in and look at rings for you and I told him no, I want YOU to pick out and buy the ring and surprise me. He never mentioned rings again.
It was all a bunch of lies.
Tara, it’s not your fault. It’s not any of our faults. We didn’t know people like this exist so we assumed they were good and sincere like we are. None of us should have dealt with the crap that we did, but we did because we are normal and we believe that no one is perfect, that relationships take work, that other people mean well and we are forgiving people. That would work with a normal person, but our partners are disordered and no rules of normal relationships apply. We were deceived. Normal relationships don’t feel like this, and don’t end like this.
Be thankful that you didn’t marry him – I sure am. He had two huge dogs and I had a cat and that is the primary reason I hadn’t moved in with him – I am thankful for that. I am certain that if I had married him, he would have brought more chaos and financial ruin into my life as well as more sick crap that I can’t even imagine.
We are the lucky ones.
Taralev
Don’t pay attention to this b/s. He wants you to respond , get a reaction , so he can blame you some more. You should not even read it. If you can’t change your email just delete the entire mail without reading it.
My ex used to do this. Send emails like “I had to leave because if you, you need help, you need a psychatrist, you need medication “. Blah blah blah. Isn’t it getting old ? It was for me. And I used to respond to this crap. For what ?
Remember, a person who gets up and leaves you does not have the right to ever return to this family. Period.
Stay strong.
Taralav, you need to be so proud of yourself. I don’t even know you and I’m so proud of you – 4 days already of no contact with him! 4 days!
Just some further little thoughts for you…..he feels he is losing control over you so that is why he is baiting you to respond. Mine did that too. He used insults, then flattery, then shame, then THREATS. I was terrified when the threats started. They will use every tactic for your different emotions to see what works. THEY TRY PRESSING EVERY BUTTON. He may even go no contact with you to bait you to contact him – be aware of that one, it is very deliberate and cunning.
And you know, although you are in no contact with him you are likely actually enjoying him contacting you. I’ve been there. You are enjoying it because it is still feeding oxytocin, your bonding chemical. So the experts advise to also have no indirect contact with your tormentor. That means no reading of their emails and texts to you.
I also know that is hard…at this stage for you. So one step at a time….and keep up not responding to him.
Again well done Taralav, I cannot tell you how pleased I am that you have got this far. And now even advising other victims too. Well done!
kaya48…wow. I wish you would have ran very far away from that family. But sometimes we don’t run. And we learn. Big lessons. It’s weird that he was disgusted at what his father did and then he did the same thing! So sad that his mom never moved on…very sad.
The generations thing is interesting. My ex told me that his grandfather died when he was 54 and his dad died when he was 54 so he thinks he is going to die when he is 54…he just turned 47…he has seven years. I would not be surprised if it comes to fruition as he drinks a lot.
kaya48…not surprised. People who cheat never stop. Although, my ex is still married to the same woman and it’s been about 22 years. She loves him and puts up with everything. She is a saint I think, but he also manipulates her and she also doesn’t work so if she left him, what would she do? People stay in marriages for all types of reasons. It’s not always love although I do think she still loves him.
You rediscover yourself through talking about your experience and yes as Donna said, crying screaming. Whatever. I suspect it isn’t the loss of you material success that is really at the root of your feeling. You sound like a smart, motivated and talented young woman. And you can’t imagine how the heck you fell for him. And that’s what hurts so much. You lost confidence in yourself and now you are floundering. My sister, you stand in good company. There are woman on this site that are accomplished in just about every field. Brilliant successful women that all took the bait. We spend years asking ourselves, “If I was so smart, why was I so stupid?” It’s been 4 yrs now of NC with my ex. He cost me nearly 10 million dollars in 16 yrs. destroyed my family and brutally molested my children. I have a medical degree and own a small successful business. Like you, I started out like a spitfire. Moved away from home at 14 (sadistic narcissistic father) went to an Ivy… My ex was a new employee of mine who on his first day told another employee when he saw me walk in “I’m going to own that one day.” Starting over at 50 isn’t easy but it is doable. The first step- FORGIVE YOURSELF. Accept that your are human. Understand the skill that many spaths have in their “craft”. Much like the magician fools us with his slight of hand , so does the spath. Your have a lifetime to heal. In the meantime, embrace each day. Be grateful you were rescued by a mother that loves you. Cherish the small success every day and you will rebuild your life. And we are here to help.
Thank you Kaya..yes my ex totally used a order to show it off to his new victim. I did not to warrant a order..telephone missue I guess but I had a right to freak out..i caught him at her house!!
It seems like it’s always the psychopath who overreacts to contact law enforcement or take legal action, rather than the victims who SHOULD be taking action.
Over the years I heard many stories about how my ex was forced to call the police when his ex-wife came to pick up the kids and caused a scene or tried to storm his house. When he became involved with the woman who became his second wife, he was going through his divorce and custody battle and she kept detailed diaries (there were multiple volumes) that he would sometimes read to me out of, to emphasize how crazy his ex was. I thought it was a little odd, but not odd enough to run, since of course he had convinced me his first wife was crazy and since his second wife had died, there was no reason to trash her.
I don’t know if I’ve written about it here before, but after he discarded me and I was gathering his stuff up, I found a small recorder with a tape in it. The tape was chilling. One side was phone messages, most from his ex-wife that sounded very calm and sane. The other side was him talking in a very creepy voice, obviously making a record of his version of events to be used later (or maybe it was used who knows). He talked about how she flew out of control, attacked him, pushed him, caused him to “fear for his life” (he is 6’2″ and about 250, she 5’2″ and 120), detailing how she flew into rages from a calm state for no apparent reason, how he kept his cool but when he was being physically attacked, he had to protect himself, blah blah blah. Very, very creepy.