UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
This is a good post..I know I will never get the truth. So many things are coming back to me..it really starts with ME. WHY I allowed this behavior go on for so long. This new victim has no idea what he is in for.
His email yesterday..he said “he is working on fixing himself and being a better person” . So now he wants to be better for her..but not for the 6 years with me.
He doesnt want to be better.
He’s a LIAR.
He’s not going to be better for her. Or you. He’s never going to be better.
He can’t be.
Those 6 yrs dont need to turn into 16 yrs. Let go today. And start 6 or 60 yrs of living in reality & happiness, not his false world of hurt.
I hope you are right. He told me is is moving July 12th into his “own place”. I am sure that measn with her. I supported him ..he cant afford to live on his own. It just really bothers me he says he is getting himself better now…like I was his cause for his issues.
I exposed him..I was too smart and ALWAYS caught his lies. After 5 years of living together I finally asked him why he doesn’t get mail at our house..and he freaked out when I asked him to change his address..i thought it was weird he didn’t want mail coming.
When I was cleaning out some of his kids bedroom..under their mattress I found MAIL..he had hidden. Not anything important!! Child support junk..but he felt he had to hide it all from me…its just bizarre.
He is not getting himself better. They do not change at all ever.
Taralev
How interesting. After he left I found hidden things also. Not even important stuff. Like army awards and things like that. I am not sure why he wS hiding that stuff .
Now the stuff that he wanted to hide, like photos of her and receipts , he got very sloppy at doing. I became an expert in spyware. Whenever I caught him, he came up with the craziest lies.
Once he returned from”night fishing” at the beach. His shirt smelled like perfume. His answer was “this is how the ocean smells “. And I believed it. Ha. I don’t miss those times. It’s much easier now not having to worry about the lies. It’s freeing and empowering. I think you are on your way to being in control soon. You will see what big of adifference it will make.
Taralev
Ain’t is right. Don’t let those 6 years turn into 16 or 26 or much longer. The following is a statement I signed for my counsellor last year (I don’t see her anymore now , as I “recovered ” ):
“His hatred, insults, and delusional accusations against me, mean nothing to me, because his opinion of me holds no weight whatsoever in my life at this point, so therefore nothing he says penetrates me. I give his words no power and that allows me to maintain my sanity . I am in a real battle now, because this person is indeed my mortal enemy !”
You know this was when I filed for divorce and I won this battle.
And now I will be proud of myself for the strength I have developed having to go through this obstacle in my life. I see me as strong and him as weak and because of that I know I will not only survive but THRIVE.
Hanalei
How creepy is that with the tape recorder. It is interesting how they play victims. Like my ex claimed he was “afraid” of me. He is a retired army person, he works as a sheriffs deputy, he owns all kinds of guns, he is 6’2 weighs over 200 pounds and he claimed in court he is in “imminent danger of me”. Unbelievable. It was open civil court and people there were actually laughing at his accusations. How crazy is that.
You can be grateful too this evil man is out if your life.
Yup. My ex was as solid as the side of a building, and I can’t tell you how many times, after he had intentionally messed with my mind to reduce me to a crying, pleading mess, backed slowly away from me with his palms out, saying it’s ok, it’s ok, you’re scaring me, we’ll get you some professional help. Even then, in my pain, I was mentally rolling my eyes.
I did notice a pattern that he most often spun me into this emotional wreck condition when he was at MY house so that he could walk away – tell me he couldn’t take it, was afraid of me, and he would just get in his truck and drive away. It was VERY effective, since I was always trying to make things right, and if he walked away, I would stew until things blew over. I’m sure he went straight to another woman, the beach, whatever and enjoyed his day while I was basically incapacitated.
It would not surprise me at all if he had tapes or writing that was about me…used to garner pity from his new victim. I can just hear it – he loved me so much, put up with so much because he wanted to help me and be with me but in the end, I pushed him away with my instability and erratic behavior. He was so afraid for his safety that he walked away from a new home, lost tons of money, and felt he needed to document it all in case I ever tried to hurt him. His last emails to me were written with this theme and my attorney advised me to not reply, as she felt he was writing them to establish a paper trail of his being a victim and anything I responded would potentially be used against me.
My ex P pulled the same ‘I’m afraid of her’ BS, and the same about my 12 year old 65 lb son. Total lying drama queen.
Yes- they were things so dumb to hide. I knew about his child support. He called me controlling because I asked him to change his address..to get mail at our home. He just lied about so much…I can still remember when I first met him, he said his tattoo on his arm..had the initials “CM” he said it was his grandfather Carmine Michael. I found out later from his ex it meant “Crip Money” hahaha..which he thought when he was younger he was a pot dealer and in a gang.
How could you make up such a crazy story and the name of a grandfather that did not exist. He lied about where he worked…he even had a big celebration dinner for a job he had gotten…only to find out..HE NEVER GOT IT.
It just makes me sick now. He is now saying how he is moving July 12 to be on his own..and will come over to get his belongings. Not. He is getting nothing nor coming into my home. He already is dying because the order is over and he doesn’t have control of me…he is threatening me with a new order….yesterday he sent me in email a photo of the court house where we live near…and said if I contact his new victim he will place a order.
He is sick. He cant place a order period because I have not bothered him. He said- oh thank you for all you have done for me thru the years I appreciate it- now move on and forget I exist
Tara, just be careful. He can and will lie about anything, including lying about you bothering him, which is why it is so important that you not communicate with him in any way.
Please make arrangements to store his belongings at another location so you don’t have to see him. You are making such good progress that seeing him will be a very dangerous thing for you and you don’t need that.
He’s amping up because he senses you are getting stronger, so be prepared to be tough and I really hope you don’t read anything else that comes your way from him. As I’ve said before, I’d relocate his stuff and send him a message telling him where he can get it and then cut off all contact. It is in your best interest to do that.
Don’t fool yourself thinking you are safe because you’ve done nothing wrong. Especially with a guy whose nickname is Crip Money. Yeesh. What a winner.
One thing with the disordered personality: they will tell you everything you need to know; if you just listen.
Now move on and forget I exist is the very best advice he could ever give to you!
Mine said “…big fuckin deal; get over it.” This was in reference to my feelings and needs and what I need from him.
So I did. Yes sir, sir.
Over It. And over YOU, mr TARD.
LOL, mine was “So you love me, so what?”
LOL
so true
ur love meant NOTHING to him
~asshole~
(him, not u lol)
It’s natural that you don’t want to give him his stuff back; he doesn’t deserve it. I wanted to set fire to my ex P’s stuff.
But consider that if you fight about him getting his stuff he will be getting what he wants which is engaging you in a battle. Even though it would be really hard and painful to do, consider packing up his stuff and putting it somewhere he can pick it up – a storage place or a friend’s place or drop it off at his parents’ or sisters or something. Have a witness if you drop it off. If it’s not a lot of stuff, you could ship it. Consider that if you engage him in resisting giving him his stuff back he is winning by getting you to interact with him.
Also, in most places the law says you have to be reasonable in making an effort to get his stuff back. It would have been a crime in my state if I’d had a big bonfire with my ex P’s stuff.
You will get through this and over it sooner and better if you can find the strength not to engage him in any way. With spaths any contact any interaction always backfires. They don’t care so they always ‘win.’ The only way for us to ‘win’ is to avoid them completely – so they are ‘dead’ as far as we are concerned. Ultimately, that bothers them the most, which isn’t very much. They don’t care about anything, other than power, control, sadism, sex.
Hanalei
My ex did the same. After he reduced me to a pathetic, crying mess , he usually got in his truck and left. And he was gone for hours. Probably seeing one of his minions and telling her “how insane ” his wife is. Oh yes, and then when he came back I apologized , pleaded and begged him not to leave me again. His favorite sentence was “I am leaving you”. Then I started caring out if fear and then he would say “look at you , how mentally insane you are”. That was his most favorite game. How sick to treat the mother of your only child like this. And my son witnessed those crazy making moments. That’s why he wants nothing to do with him.
I hope he plays the same games with her. Because she asked for it by becoming the third person in the marriage.
Kaya, it is creepy how similar the tactics are. I can’t tell you how many times this happened with me, and how each time I was the one who apologized and tried to make things right, even though I had done nothing wrong. Mine would say – look at the way you’re behaving.
I was on my own most of the 3 months after we bought the house and before he discarded me. The first time he came out, after we had been apart for two or three weeks, he criticized everything as soon as he walked in and had me crying on the floor before bedtime. I slept on the floor in another room our first night in our new dream home. The next morning I was reprimanded because he didn’t get sex the night before because of all my shortcomings and inability to “do what I was told” (his favorite phrase). He told me that in just a couple of weeks away from his influence I had gotten out of control and needed to get myself back in line immediately. I remember how sick I felt when I realized that buying the house with him was the worst mistake I had ever made.
The email that pushed me into NC was just a paper version of the same tactic – working to reduce me to a pathetic, crying mess with written words, then a sly – you have burned a lot of bridges and have a lot of work ahead of you to mend them, I don’t even know where to tell you to start. I am sure he expected me knock myself out trying to make things right. Instead, I shut off and saved myself.
Yes Hanalei , so similar. My favorite place (to hide after his “attack”) was in a closet or outside by the side if the house. Sometimes I sat there in the dark, in the mulch, bugs crawling over me, with this thumping in my head (probably from high blood pressure), shaking and questioning “why me”? It still brings tears into my eyes when I think of those times. At the end it was a nightly ritual. He destroyed me emotionally , I sat out there for a few hours, sometimes in furious Florida thunderstorms. Wishing I was killed by lightening to put an end to it. All because of him. This is his much control he had over me.
I just talked to my attorney. I will for ever be thankful for him to encourage me to file. I owe him my life because I sure would not exist today without him. I know it was Gods plan to bring this lawyer into my life.
Kaya, I did the same thing! We used to spend a lot of time in Mexico in a bungalow his parents built but didn’t use anymore. We had made it our little nest in good times. As time wore on, he treated me the worst here, since I’m sure he capitalized on the fact that I was trapped and couldn’t just drive home without leaving him behind. I used to go and sit in the dirt with my back up against the house and wish I was home in my own bed.
We once took a trip to Europe and he was unbelievably cruel to me in Paris. We had a tiny hotel room and it was impossible to be in it with him when he was acting this way. They had really large telephone booths there – several times I had to leave the room in the middle of the night to get away from him and remember sitting on the floor in a telephone booth like a homeless person, just sobbing. I look miserable in all the photos on this trip and I remember him looking at them and saying, you’re the only person who could manage to look miserable in Paris!
Of course, these times were always followed by periods of him being loving and kind.
But WHY?
WHY
WHY do we endure them??
WHYYYYY
I will not endure anymore BS. I wont endure it from a stranger, my family, my close friends (I dropped one of the very few remaining friends I have, a month ago).
WHY should I endure it from a man who is posing as a my lover/partner??
I
W
O
N
‘T
(preaching to the choir here, the choir being me)
How awful, I am so sorry. And it brings back memories. I hid in the closet, in my son’s room in his loftbed (when son wasn’t home). I slept in the basement on top of dirty laundry laid on the concrete floor. I drove around, and parked somewhere and slept in the car.
His abuse would make my heart race and pound for hours as laid in bed.
Taralev
Hanalei is right, be careful. If you have not contacted him, maybe you should put an injunction against him for threatening you and sending you pictures of the court house.
Hanalei’s idea is excellent. Take his belongings to a neutral place where he can pick it up without you being there.
The last thing you want is another restraining order on you. That will give him the power he wants. They usually issue a temporary I one always based on one persons view. So he can make up any lies and you get slapped with another injunction.
And Tara, he’s threatening you of what will happen if you contact the new woman. Take it seriously. Do NOT contact her.
I am not..not right now at least. I am going to expose him at some point only when I have security. He is not getting anything back that he left. I am not his storage facilty..its been almost 5 months, even though he was coming and going..trying to keep me on a string. He left me to cover the bills on my own..I thank god I have a job I can work overtime and was able to get a little help from my mom and dad.
It will blow up in his face. I hope his job cathes wind of his relationship with her and hes fired. He cant even hold a job down..the longest was 4 years..once he lost his job he blamed ME that he lost it…I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
He lost his job because he worked at a rental dealership and did not check someones insurance before renting..and the got in a accident. HOW is that My fault??
Tara, just be careful, especially if you are not going to give his things back. Mine left nothing of real value, but I was careful to return everything, even random pieces of paper and pure junk. On my attorney’s advice, I photographed everything and gave her a copy of the photos.
(I did keep the tape recorder and smash it to smithereens.)
Know that he may claim that some of the stuff you have is worth something, or is sentimental, etc. and he could take you to small claims court to recover some of the value. Don’t give him a chance to do that.
Remember, I lost over $100,000. And I handed over everything with a smile, even moved it into storage myself, three years ago on the 4th of July. I kept my nose very very clean and made sure that there was nothing he could find fault with. I even rented an air conditioned storage unit so that he couldn’t complain that anything was damaged in the heat.
This guy makes me nervous – be very careful.
Tara,
An injunction for threatening is a possibility, but if you can do nothing, no response to his BS threats, that will work best in the end. What he wants more than anything is a response from you. He doesn’t care what it is, if it’s positive or negative. I would recommend keeping a log of his threats and other behavior, and keep all the evidence. Keep it somewhere safe he won’t have access to and won’t run across it. Have you changed your locks yet?
Tara
Of course “everything ” is your fault. My ex did the same. When the dog was sick, or even my child, it was all my fault. Everything. They cannot take responsibility for anything, not even cheating and lying to you.
Please don’t ever expose him , not at his job , not to his new girlfriend. Believe me , all hell will break lose. And what would you gain?
The best revenge is to ignore him. And it is the only revenge you have with a sociopath. All other options will backfire and he will win. Believe me , I was there. They believe him over you. Because he portrays you as the “crazy” one. He is innocent. They will take his word.
Ain’t
Mine said exactly the same. “Now get over it and move on, he added, I am not in love with you anymore.” And yes sir , that’s why he got divorce papers served. He asked for it, he got it. A few minutes after he got served he sent an email “what did you do that for?” Of course he did not get any response. That was on July 15th of 2013.