UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
To me it’s just unbelievable how little self worth and self respect I had left for myself. Vacations were the worst for me because of him being around non stop, not at work, not deployed with the army. I am in my 40’s and I allowed this to happen. I let someone walk all over me and do this to me. And it was a person who claimed to love and cherish me. We can all be thankful that we are free of them. Free to love ourselves the way we are.
Kaya, I feel the same way, it is horrific that I allowed him to do what he did to me. But I realize that it wasn’t my fault, and I had no idea of how he had manipulated my mind. I have spent a lot of time thinking through the progression of the relationship and have a good handle on how he manipulated me and built it all up like building blocks…I know I couldn’t see it then even if someone had drawn me a picture. These days I am very careful to not spend any time thinking about what he did to me, that is no more.
There were times it was like I was outside myself, observing what was going on, and in my heart and soul I knew it was wrong, but I was powerless to get out.
My therapist told me that she felt that the fact that I didn’t live with him full time, and had three or four days of “normalcy” at work and in my own home each week away from him were what saved me from totally losing myself. Even then, his control had escalated so that he ruined my time away from him with endless phone calls, texts and “assignments” to complete. It’s clear to me now that he wanted to strip me of everything.
Him abandoning me when he did almost destroyed me, but I will go to my grave knowing that it actually saved my life.
This is why Tara worries me. We can’t see the evil they are until we survive it and are free. We don’t think they are capable of destroying everything we love and care about, taking everything from us and feeling nothing. There is nothing safe, or innocent, with them. They will take it all. They will push you to suicide and then smirk and say I always knew she was unstable and feel nothing at all. It is healthy to be afraid.
Keep talking Hanaleimoom
I’m reading every post, every answer and I’m listening to all the advice. Sometimes it takes time to respond as I’m living with the spath for several more weeks and the difference in timezone (in Australia) but every post gives me strength!
kaya48 (and anyone else who thinks the way that kaya48 posted)
Your words are SO wounding, not just to me. They are wounding to YOU. Unless YOU are also sociopath, they are UNTRUE. Clearly you are NOT sociopath, but you are still a tiny bit, still in his mindcontrol or else you would not write what you did and been so hard on yourself.
Here’s how I know:
Backstory: When all the crap went down for me, and I found out what my now ex really and truly was capable of, and therefore was really and truly a sociopath, I WAS FREAKED. I had moved far away to where he didn’t know where I was, and I became paranoid and hid away for almost three years. I got books from the library (I ordered them and picked them up from a drive up window), and I read EVERY book on brains, thinking, cognitive use, etc., then I moved into learning about this personality type that could do what he did to me. (I did not know about lovefraud then)
The darn unmistakable sad fact:
They really did control us, way more than we realize, at least way more than we have capacity to understand until we are FAR FAR along in the recovery process.
TRUTH:
YOU did NOT ALLOW any farking thing. HE DID IT. HIS mindcontrol, HIS behaviors, HIS EVIL, HIS CRIME.
Think about it. IF YOU had control (awareness, awake, and conscious, Cognisant, and any other adjective you can think of), You would NOT have tolerated him “walking all over you”. He was able to do it because YOU had your awareness totally MESSED (dif word, starts with F, ends in ED) with, totally HIJACKED, as is done to Stockholm syndrome victims, done to cult victims, done to Lovefraud victims.
Don’t dump on yourself. Do not take on HIS crime as if it was YOUR responsibility. Just like we don’t blame the alter boy for being raped by a priest, it is NOT YOUR BLAME when a PREDATOR targets, anesthesises you, and commits COVERT crimes. NO NORMAL person thinks to look for such a thing… not until they are WOKE UP FROM the ANESTHESIA.
You are PRECIOUS. Do NOT jump on HIS Bankwagon and diss yourself for that which you could not possibly have been a part of.
I KNOW you have the seeds to re-build your self respect because YOU ARE a person of conscience and therefore, are worthy of respect and honor and dignity.
It just rips my heart when I read people who have been so emotionally and psychologically victimized by sociopaths BLAME THEMSELVES for what was perpetrated on them by a predator. It’s NOT TRUE! You did NOT “allow” anything, you were manipulated and controlled into abusing yourself. That’s the favorite part of a sociopath’s control… to get people to harm themselves. (If you had an older sibling who grabbed your arm and made you hit yourself, you’d have an example of this.)
HanaleiMoon,
You hit it on the head. I DO know much of HOW the mind manipulation was done. There are books that tell people HOW to psychologically control others. Sociopaths don’t need these books. As psychological predators, they are Naturals.
Their END “WIN” is if they can drive you to suicide. Then they claim a “WIN”. They are after TOTAL destruction of a target who has a conscience. It’s a little more complicated explanation but that’s their goal. (I am a person of faith, so for me, this is clearly a battle between good and evil or someone with a conscience and someone devoid of conscience.)
I am not sure what you mean. Not. I am not a sociopath. I was a victim. It hurts very much that you said I was a little a sociopath.
Kaya I think she means what you said about letting him do this to you.
kaya49
I absolutely did NOT intend to imply or suggest that you were in any way a sociopath.
I did INTEND to write that he still had a tiny bit of mindcontrol of you b/c you took blame for HIS crime, that you blame yourself at all is very distressing to me because I know better. YOU are not to blame. HE is. It’s ALL HIS CRIME.
My words were clumsy and I won’t correct them, I want you to see the error in my writing is bad sentence structure. MY MEANING was to write a piece of logic…. that only a sociopath is to BLAME, and since you are NOT a Sociopath, therefore YOU ARE NOT to BLAME for ANY of his crime. ZERO. ZIP. You did not “let him” do anything. He manipulated and made you feel like you had a choice. That’s part of his control and a typical sociopath’s scam.
Sorry for the unintentional bad sentence structure.
What Hanalei said. I think the comment was just intended to say, Don’t blame yourself, blame him! and him alone.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, GREAT rant! What Kaya said wrote sounded unlike her and I wondered if she didn’t exactly mean it the way she said it.
I have a technical education and am a very analytical thinker and throughout the relationship I was unable to make sense of having “get me out of here right now if not sooner” feelings alongside “this is the best relationship I’ve ever had” feelings. I had never before been in the situation where I seemed literally unable to walk away. After the discard, the first book I found was Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown. My copy is highlighted in two colors, flagged with post-its with notes, and scribbles in the margin. I’m sure I’ve read it four or five times, and for months, I carried it everywhere with me, including the bathroom and to bed. It was the first place I realized that it was my goodness and value that made me so vulnerable to him, and there was nothing wrong with me.
Shortly afterward, I started therapy and my therapist made it clear that none of this was my fault. When we discussed some of the things that happened and why, to my complete and utter disbelief, I failed to react normally, she showed me how I had numbed my feelings in order to survive. I’ve never written about it here, but he gave me an std…when I told him about it, he was unbearably cruel to me, blaming me and telling me I had gotten it from my ex-husband who I had not seen in about 5 years at that point. He attacked me for putting HIS health at risk, and impacting his future ability to “date”. We happened to be in the car at the time, and instead of saying stop the f###ing car and throwing him out and driving away, I reached out for his hand and said “it will be fine we’ll work through this” and he threw my hand off and said – don’t touch me, you make my skin crawl.
I got confirmation from the doctor that I definitely had just gotten it from him (he was the only person I had had sex with after my husband and we had been together for around 4 years when this happened). I tried to talk to him a couple of times about it and he completely refused, and it finally just faded into the background. Something I will live with forever, and he too, as well as he was continuing to spread it to who knows how many people.
Unraveling this and many other things it became clear the extent of the mind control and the weird state you exist in, knowing things are wrong, wanting out but being unable to cut away.
To heal, it is essential that you understand and believe that you are not at fault, it isn’t something that you did or didn’t do, no weakness of character or unconscious need to be hurt – simply that once groomed, you are no longer in charge of yourself.
I read everything I could get my hands on too. I was in a remote location and alone, and clung to my friends from my old life via phone and email, but they couldn’t understand and there came a point when I had heard so many times comments like it would never happen to them (eek), get off the pity party, and just get over it, that I walked away from ALL of them. I know they meant no harm, but they weren’t of help anymore.
I was very paranoid too, in fact, lurked here for about a year until I felt it was safe to post. I still am to a point…I don’t answer the phone if I don’t recognize the number, I am watchful.
I am certain I don’t know of all the ways he subtly controlled me, but I know enough to be very, very afraid. I know that none of this was my fault, my lacking, my shortfall, or my stupidity. I know I didn’t ask for it, encourage it, or enjoy it. It is something that happened to me that I was intentionally manipulated to be powerless to control. And anyone who wants to scoff at me, or anyone else who went through something similar and say it would never have happened to them, has no place in my life. Period.
Hanalei,
How awful that you got a std, but worse, that you were so controlled that you pushed it under the rug for his sake. I’ve don’t the same thing, in many different ways. And also, like you, I am frightened. He’s done so many things to me and has no compassion. I’m always watchful and careful. He’s a predator and a manipulator.
Please stay safe, and never doubt your instincts.
HanaleiMoon
Thank you for understanding that the message I really want to emphasize is for NONE of us to blame ourselves for “missing” the clues or not leaving before things got bad.
Two examples:
In my first year of marriage, I wrote in my journal, “I am going to have to ignore a lot of what he does or I won’t have a marriage”. I cringe now. But I feel sorry for the Me that wrote such a thing. He was already controlling me, I was numbing myself!
Another time, I was warning his cousin that my ex was a liar and how convincing he was. The cousin got all huffy and replied “well, he’s not going to lie to me!” (as if I deserved it?!). I knew the moment the cousin said that, my ex had control over him.
When we look back and try to understand what happened to us, it’s a balance and we consider all the possibilties including what we could have done differently, not what we SHOULD have done differently. It’s part of the process.
Because we have experienced the spaths’ control and criticism of us, it is most helpful if we share our own experiences, keep our suggestions to others gentle and avoid giving orders. It is more helpful to offer an alternate point of view to consider, than to criticize or disagree with another person’s choices. Each person will make different choices in managing her recovery, and we can respect and learn from others’ points of views.
Hanalei
You are right. I don’t think about it much anymore. It is in the past. I am too worried about Taralev. She is in the “revenge” stage. I too wanted him and the co worker fired at their police jobs, I wanted to tell her he takes Viagra, I wanted “revenge”. Absolutely. But all it does it makes things worse. And for what ? I was already discarded, he made his choice. I think it is a natural reaction when we get so deeply hurt. We want to hurt them back. I am not sure , but the only pain I can inflict on him , is ignoring him by no contact.
Yes, he tried to push me to suicide. I would never do this for the sake of my child. But I know if he succeeded his words would be “son, you knew your mother was mentally ill, it’s for the best.”
But I am so much stronger than that. If I were not exist anymore he would get his way.
No, no I promise my friend here on LF..i am WISHING these things..i am not going to plot revenge. Will the ex learn the truth..yes. I will not be the sender..I will not give him any way to trace to me. And…I am being very patient. I want the truth out there..but I know karma is already unfolding to him. He has 2 kids with 2 different women..a low paying job (his last job he was fired for dishonesty haha figures) and he will never be able to find true love.
He hates himself. I may be sad..and hurt..but once I move past this fog I will be the one laughing. He cant make me crazy anymore..he is the insane one. A normal person would not tell the silly and strung out lies. He is insecure..about everything.
I would have given that man my kdney if he needed one..i loved him unconditional. And to him..im garbage thrown out
Love your translation, 100% accurate.
Sounds very much like my ex P’s brain. The brain is a fluid organ, and the physical structure changes according to how it’s used, like a runner has strong big leg muscles because he runs. We know doing mental exercises increases memory ability and problem solving ability. I think repeated lying and other poor psychopathic choices help shape the brain.
Romans 1:28 says people who don’t keep their mind on God (right and truth) end up with a reprobate mind. 1 Timothy 4:2 says lying (and other wrong behavior) leads to a seared conscience.
One other thing I meant to mention..he was always making alias emails..ones I never knew he had. When I found one of them out..he had created a POF, plenty of fish profile 3 weeks after we got back from vacation last year.!!!!
I did not find this out until recently.but he was on a dating site..i had no clue. I am just floored. Completely
Taralav,
When we go through a season with a Spath, we tend to become numb to the actuality of their deeds. I see that in you. He has done so much that you’ve had to ignore, you’ve become complacent. I recognize that in myself also.
If you made a list of the things you can remember….all the shady, illegal, immoral, sick, mean, sorry things he has done….I think you would be so shocked. This Spath is right out of a movie. He’s a villain ….a cheating liar, or worse.
Yuck…..plenty of fish. Nasty!
Thank God you know the truth.
taralav,
Suggestions from my experience…
There was a time when I tried to keep a log of what I uncovered about my ex. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the list would go on and on, and I was traumatizing myself because his evil was so extensive.
SO I stopped the list, that list was long enough for me to know he was truly evil and that there was NO “There”, there (empty, devoid of humanity), and that’s when I started erasing him, his influence, memories of him, I did purification ceremonies (anything that helps a mind psychologically calm itself). I did not do vengeance (I said he’d do that for me, just by being himself. And he has!)
I focused on doing positive behaviors to offset his evil. I reconnected with my humanity, my soul, my spirit (which he tried to suck out of me.) The more beauty I experienced, the more my soul grew, and I continue those practices of seeking soul enriching moments today and will do FOREVER.
Totally agree, well said.
After I’d been out for awhile, it occurred to me that what I happened to find out about my ex P could have been just the tip of the iceberg. Besides what you know about him, there could be more stuff. They are wild cards, no limits to what they could do other than their desire not to get caught.
One things that makes it hard, Taralav, is that it’s difficult to understand that they are truly disordered in the way they think. It’s not that your Spath is doing these things and feeling bad about it, like you or I would, He really believes he is right. He sees nothing wrong in his behavior.
When someone can act hurtful, harmful, or abusive and still view themselves as justified or “normal” then they are classic cases of Antisocial. They do not have the capacity to feel shame or empathy. We grieve and fret over their evil behavior but they have no guilt. As Annette stated in an earlier comment, this is called a reprobate heart. These people no longer, or never had the capacity to feel the tug of integrity or morals, so they can freely behave however they choose. It has no affect on them.
My Spath recently told me “I love The Lord”. What Lord? The Lord or the damned? You’ve abandoned your family and hurt all your children. How can you ever say you love The Lord when you leave peoples lives so devastated while you walk away with no guilt. Because there is no soul there. There is a black hole of self desire and evil. No soul.
So, try not to be surprised at anything you find on him, or hear from him. He could be anything or everything bad that you ever thought of. It’s true. Think of Ted Bundy. The people who were close to him never had a clue. Sometimes Satan picks very clever people to do his dirty work. Always expect the worst.
2Samuel 22:27 says
“To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.”
Great advice.
“When someone can act hurtful, harmful, or abusive and still view themselves as justified or “normal” then they are classic cases of Antisocial. They do not have the capacity to feel shame or empathy. We grieve and fret over their evil behavior but they have no guilt”
My aunt has been screaming at me all week (well by txt as she’s in FL and Im in NY) exactly that the narc has a reprobate mind. That he’s antiGod. He is. He’s very antiBible or Biblical God. He doesn’t think there’s anything when we die. I know this.
I still do it tho. I still play the game.
And he still is justified in his own mind to hurt me.
I have another guy friend who was with a BPD wife. He left a yr ago. He still loves her but he wont do her BS anymore. He told me flat out–Cmon, don’t talk to him. You’re just setting urself up for BS.
I told him I am a crackhead and the NPD is my crack. I can get off it for awhile but I’ll always go back for more crack.
I hung on the NPD last nite. I want to die rather than talk to him again.
Gosh, the cycle is hard to break, isn’t it Ain’t? And when our souls are so beaten down and broker, we need. We need human connection. That’s where they get us. They swoop in and give us just enough love salve that it soothes our blistered and burned soul. After spending so much energy to heal and recover, we are tired. So we let our guard down just a little because the soothing feels good. And then they scorch us again. Gosh, those dang love chemicals get us every time.
I’m so sorry. So so sorry. I know you are trying to be NC. Just know we love ya and are here. Hugs!
“To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.”
HopingToHeal, these are truly words to live by. For me, it is hard to find that middle ground, and know who is pure and who is devious. At this point, I’m still being very, very cautious.
Hanalei,
My intuition is shot, also. Being cautious is a smart way to proceed. For me, anxiety gets in the way of me seeing the Red Flags. I think the best way to move forward is to do it slowly. And shrewdly.
Shrewdly….that may be my new favorite word. 🙂
I have become over the top paranoid about people and their motives, always suspicious that they are like my ex Psychopath. I don’t trust my perception, and it is often wrong. I used to be pretty good about sizing up people; not any more.
I also find myself revealing too much about myself to people too soon, just as I always did; but having been burned I want to get out of that habit.
I was very trusting of everything and everyone most of my life.
I look forward to balancing this part of myself, maybe this will be the next steps on my healing pathway.
Hopingtoheal
Look at how you feel, if it doesn’t feel good then you’re onto something and get out quick!
Quantum physics, biology of our cells, gene activation and epigenetics all prove the Law of Attraction – don’t be so cautious and shrewd as to only attract those situations into your life. We need balance of good and bad, we cause disease in our bodies if our emotions are always on guard, try to appreciate the things that feel good also, so you can start attracting good things too – good things can turn to great things also x
Ok girls, rally rally! I need your strength and guidance or maybe prays are more important? …
I have been watching the conversations but I’ve got a lot going on sorry!
I’ve made a plan to escape. My spath won’t sell the house and my honest plea to get a divorce fell on deaf ears. His statement was; “separating from me was not on his list and if I wanted out then leave! ” the love bombing started within hours yet the spyware on his computer showed he treated himself to chat room sex…
I’ve decided to sneak out when he is at football on the weekend after next. As we never shared an income, I’ve been solely responsible for making our house a home so its full of my stuff and it will take time.
My sister has offered to have me and my kids move in with her and only pay for what we need til I get back on my feet and doesn’t care if it takes years = god bless her!
My problem is…. he’s so convincing! I knew he lied and denied some of the reasons for me to leave but he still has this stupid power to confuse me into questioning myself? I know this is dumb but I can’t help it! He stayed calm yet pointed out his disappointment that I’m not supporting him. He said I’m lying when I’m not – this confusion drives me insane!
Here is the scary truth; my “policeman” spath has been stood down pending an investigation into a child sexual assult. As soon as he told me I knew he was guilty – spyware showed me the porn! He took it out on my daughter with a barrage of insults daily til I couldn’t take it anymore and told her what was going on so she knew not to believe his version of who she is. This is the scary bit…she told me that he’d sexually assaulted her when she was 13 and that’s why she went to live with her father (really sad face!) She reported it to the police but they made her feel like she was lying in the end so didn’t pursue it. Time has changed and she’s now got in touch with the investigators and already moved to my sisters house….
Please give me the strength to follow through with my move! I’m backing my daughter 100% but I’m afraid. I’ve been weak in the past, I’ve stupidly questioned myself, the universe and my sanity. I know he’ll be scary when he finds out that my daughter is charging him too so please pray for our safety and the opportunity to run without his presence while we do it.
ironic, keeping you in my prayers. You have a solid plan and a safe place…don’t worry too much about your “stuff”. I did too, and in the end, it’s just not that important. You will find a way to keep what matters.
It is likely that he will have the power to confuse you and question yourself for quite awhile, so your best tactic is not not hear it as much as possible. La la la la. Tell yourself he can say anything he wants, that does not make it true, and you don’t have to react to it or believe it.
You know your inner truth and that is what to listen to. It’s their tactic to keep you hanging on to confuse you and make you doubt yourself. You know that. Knowing it is half the battle, now all you have to do is keep telling yourself it doesn’t matter what he says, you’re on your path.
Stay strong!
Try so hard not to worry about ur stuff. I know it’s hard becuz you have kids, it’s not ur stuff; it’s all the stuff you need for kids to be happy, healthy and safe and educated. But even that is secondary to YOUR PEACE.
I left 99% of my stuff the day I left while he was at work. I fled. I was pretty sure he wudnt do jack to any of it, I’d left several times b4 but this time was a little different. I think he could feel it. It took me a month to get it all out and he’d do retarded stuff like put my printer out in the Arctic cold on the porch. I never knew when i went back what would be ruined or gone.
I made it.
If I cudnt have gotten a thing later tho—I’d do it again IN A HEARTBEAT. Providence gave me a car to get my stuff. It died less than a wk after my last load. If I hadn’t had that car still working, I would have been given the stuff I needed. I have no doubt of that.
Please think of you and the kids ONLY.
Bless your sister!!
Thanks Aintgonnatakeitnomore
These posts are giving me the strength to walk away from my stuff, although I’ve arranged for 2 trucks and 20 people to get as much out as I can while he’s away at football on the weekend…. after reading all these posts I’m prepared to run and forget about it all if needed.
You all don’t realise how valuable you all are to me at this time – I’m so grateful to have you all to bounce off and know that you all know what I’m going through xxx
ironic….
Good for you! I did the same thing. When the spath was off on a long weekend with the OW, I gathered family and friends to help out. In one day I was gone. Best thing I ever did.
Stay strong my friend! You’re in my thoughts and prayers!
carolann
Thanks carolann
I’ve only got a 6 hour Window of opportunity so its a push. I’ve started moving things to storage that he wouldn’t notice so fingers crossed.
Hanaleimoom
Thank you! All these posts keep me strong ♥
Ironic,
I am praying for strength and guidance for you. As you know, this is the MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER! Don’t doubt yourself! There is no way a normal man would have all this against him. He is a liar and an abuser!,
Please get out. And be very, very, very careful. He will retaliate , but it’s too late to stop the process now.
I hope you see how God is forcing you to do this. This is what you’ve been praying for. No one likes change, or the thought of giving up if there is a chance, but you know that he is evil in his heart. If he’s talking, he’s lying.
I’m praying for your safety. I’m praying for your daughter. Remember, the God of Heavens armies goes before you. Do not fear, take action.
Hugs..hugs…hugs!
Hopingtoheal
Yes I agree! My daughter needs me to assure her that she is safe. This situation is not easy on her but I know that United we’ll stand together and come out the other side.
I also truly believe I’m being guided by the hand of God. I know I’ll land on my feet eventually….
I do like to know that the god of heavens armies go before me – this makes me feel stronger x
Sounds like a good plan, ironic, good luck!
Thanks nocontact and I’ve spent enough time on this blog to learn the “no contact” rule!
Prayers for your safety and for strength for you and clarity in thinking.
It sound like there are a lot of complicated issues. It might be good to talk to an attorney, there may be some things you can do to get the best outcome for yourself.
Child porn is serious; and worth consulting an attorney. It may be a legal problem for you if he was doing it in your home on your internet connection, your computer, and you were aware of it. There are some instances, like a computer repair tech, where there is a legal obligation to report it.
I found that talking to an attorney helped me think about things clearly.
Hanalei
I might have not worded it right. But indeed my ex wanted me dead, locked away in jail or in a mental institution. I know this was his plan all along. So I take the discard as a blessing.
Thank you all for your great support. Good luck to everyone. I do not want to offend anyone in this site here. That was never my intention.
ACK!!! Don’t you dare go anyplace!
Unable to keep up with recent posts and just scanning the bottom of the page …. please don’t go, it was a misunderstanding.
Your words and situation have so resonated with me! although (now that I am incognito, ha) I envy your son’s candid joining of forces with you. My children have instead presented a unified front of not “taking sides” which at times has felt like a taking of his side over mine since I didn’t violate myself or our marriage.
My ex also wanted me dead and in lieu of being able to arrange that, remarked at a gathering (of motorcycle riders) that many of them would make suitable replacement partners.
You have been very healing to me personally and I would be more than sorry not to hear your wise virtual voice on these pages, I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding and hope that you’ll return soon.
I have been known for my frankness my whole life…
I figure someone has to be the one who will say things no one else will. In as direct a manner as needed.
Becuz sometimes time is critical.
But I know I offend ppl at first glance. I never intend to, but I do. I am sorry for when any are offended. It’s a risk I take to get truth out. Not the best tactic, for sure.
And sometimes I am wrong! 🙂
Yes dear, sometimes you are. (Virtual hug here anyway.)
Kaya has been instrumental online these past few days, and I’m sure that I’m not the only one hoping she will return.
Thank you hoping to heal..I hope he is exposed ..I keep waiting to see it happen. That girl can not be this stupid. I know that is easy for me to say, because I was dumb. But she knows hes a liar AND a cheater..and does not care. If I had known he was cheating he would have been thrown out long ago.
He is so sick. I just cant believe I spent so much time with him.
Taralav…
“If I had known he was cheating he would have been thrown out long ago.”
And now, you do know he is a liar and a cheater, it’s who he is. You deserve so much more than he could ever be.
carolann
It will get better and there is hope .that feisty ,independent and strong woman is still there buried underneath the betrayal ,lies ,control and manipulation.For now this is how you will feel but each day you will pick up a little of yourself and start to rebuild again. Been there and still going thru it but I keep looking towards the future ,however from time to time I do break down when I looked back in the rear view mirror and see how much I have lost but I remember that I still have my life and the little left of my sanity and from that all things are still possible. press on roar2014
A_new_day,
I thank you for your encouraging words, as they are helping me to move forward with my life. Over the last few weeks, that strong, feisty, independent and strong woman has returned to me to a large degree, as I refuse to cave in and give in to his demands from a legal perspective. I vowed to myself that I would not back down and I won’t. It is a promise I made to myself and it is a promise I will keep. I may be a nervous and anxious wreck about it all – I am – but I WILL NOT BACK DOWN. He already took too much from me and I can’t allow him to take it all. This is my mantra despite the fears I have that he will hurt me physically.
But at night, when I am alone with my thoughts, I do look back in the rear view mirror and wonder “why”; wonder why I gave up so much for a man that never loved me; get angry when I realize that everything we had and did together was absolutely fake, or rather, an illusion painted on a wall for others to see and admire, while the real truth behind that painting and wall was sheer chaos and insanity; a veil of lies, a web of deceit. That’s when the despair and self-hatred comes in for me, honestly. That’s when I chain smoke, beat myself up for being stupid and conned; spend hours staying up way too late on work night searching for information on him and his new girlfriend on the Internet, spend hours obsessing over what the outcome will be, and if I will lose more (financially) than I already have. That’s when I cry for that lost self and yearn for a simpler time when life and love seemed so much better and easier. I think we all do this – you do it, I do it and I am sure everyone else here does it. It makes me sad.
But yet, we are here, aren’t we? I think of people that kill themselves because of the pain and havoc spaths cause for them, and I weep for their despair…weep for how a spath could drive someone to do self harm or kill themselves. But I will not do that. I will not let him win by caving in to his need to destroy me. I will fight the fight until I can’t fight anymore. If anything, my stubborn willfulness will guide me through.
Wishing you peace and further growth in your life and future…
I can so relate to the late night/early hours of the morning negative stressful anxious thoughts. I never had problems with sleeplessness my entire life (except for a few weeks after my first normal, kind, loving, committed husband passed away unexpectedly), until the spath’s abuse. 7 years after it started and I still wake up with anxious thoughts on overdrive. Some things that help me balance my thoughts are to get some exercise, avoid caffeine and chocolate late in the day; and I sometimes take some herbal sleep remedies. Different things work for different people; there may be some things you can do that will help you avoid the negative thoughts that are not productive. It’s a balance, though. One has to work through the grief, feel the pain, and think the thoughts. If we stuff them and short circuit the process, we won’t heal as well.
I hope and pray that your legal battles will be over soon and that you will receive justice as much as possible.
AnnettePK
I’m so looking forward to the day I wake from a full nights sleep!