UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Extremely good advice! I would make one suggestions though for Tara’s situation. If it’s possible to just ignore his calls or have them blocked in some way that he doesn’t get anything but a ringing phone or the boring message machine, this would be a superior non-response over him getting a message that he’s been blocked. He may see the action taken of blocking him as a move in his crazy games: “Aha, I’m getting to her! She has gone to the trouble to block me! What’s my next move?” Whereas if he gets NOTHING back, he has no idea what she is doing and thinking; he is likely to get bored quicker and have less motivation to keep volleying the ping pong ball.
I have to agree with AnnettePK. No response is far better than enacting anything to block him. Anything that shows she is reacting to his lunacy will please him because he knows that he is getting to her.
One of the things I have done is to hide my feelings from the spath in any social networking utility, like Facebook. Although we are not FB friends and he technically can’t see much of what I do, he is friends with people that I know who may or may not be providing him with information. What do I do? I post happy and contented statuses that I know will drive him crazy. He may have pissed me off or upset me (to the point of screaming fits, tears and my own ragings to friends in conversations) and I may feel like jumping out the nearest window because of it, but he will NOT know that he got to me. And, because he used to say and I quote, “the best revenge is living well”, I insist on portraying that in these social networking arenas. You have to think ahead.
As for all of the emails he is sending to you, I would not delete them or send them to spam. Copy them and put them in a folder, as they will serve as evidence of his harassment in court. I saved and copied every email he sent me and have used them to help me. Likewise, for the past year, I copied every damn page he was on or created (like blogs) that proved he was bullsh*tting the world. It has been a useful tool.
I hate to say this but you have to think like a spath to some degree – you have to think ahead of him and be as unpredictable as he is. Controlling how others think and react is key to their own behavior. Reacting to his nonsense validates to him that he has control over you. By not reacting and by being as unpredictable as he is will make him nuts. My spath was shocked I did not agree to his insane separation terms and that I served him with divorce papers. He thought he had me in the bag but he did not.
And do not tell any friends what you are doing….keep your plan to yourself.
Wishing you the best! Prevail!
Roar2014
I’m going to screen shot this as a constant reminder! I’m moving out and leaving the assets to escape my spaths hold over me – I’m already becoming as calculated as he is, although I think I’m smarter….
It did concern me at one stage that if I was able to think 2 steps ahead of the *thing* that I might be a little sociopathic too but I got over that with knowing that he was the one that taught me how its done, its my intelligence, my observation skills and my intuition that is acting purely in survival and I’m happy with that!
I did especially like your reminder about social networks – that was one area I didn’t think about doing his head in over, I’ll stay authentic on this blog but no one will see the pain on Facebook ★
Ironic,
Spaths tend to think they are smarter than everyone else, but in all actuality they really are not. They ARE more calculating and clever than we are given their tendency to pre-plan everything they do (and then turn around and BLAME us for what happened), but they are not smarter by any means. If anything, they are predictable in their actions and behaviors because they believe they have a “handle” (read: control) on our responses to them. Seeing this is the case is the key to our own survival and ability to get out of the situation.
At one point, I am sure everyone here can attest to their spath’s control over them, right? This was because we responded in a predictable manner to their every action and reaction. But the instant we become as unpredictable as they are, all control is lost on their end. What does this do to them? They freak out and kick it up a notch. And what do we do in return? Kick it up a notch and continue with our own unpredictability. By doing so, not only do we keep hold of our own independence and sense of self (which they want to take from us), but we cease to invest our energy in their craziness.
There was a point when I also believed that I was becoming as much of a sociopath as he was (is and forever will be), but the truth is that I learned from the best: HIM. Watching his reactions to things, listening to words, phrases, etc. was an interesting psychological study for me. Doing this ultimately helped me to stand strong and fight back, quietly.
Stand strong.
Roar
Ironic,
I forgot to add something about my Facebook plan of action.
A lot of my friends know what is going on, but most do not know the details. Only a very small core group is aware of the trials and tribulations of my life with him and what is going on. This core group has actively seen or heard me break down and cry, go crazy, spout (at the top of my lungs) my plans for revenge, the hatred I feel for him, and the devastation I feel for wasting my life with him. Others do not.
When I have written fake FB statuses, my best friend (forever) has actually written me FB private messages asking me if what I wrote was true given that she and I don’t talk every day. I typically reply that it is not, although in some cases it is true: I may actually be having a good day.
Posting fake statuses keeps me ahead of the game and sometimes, I actually wind up feeling better. Who knew? 🙂
Roar,
My experience has also been that my ex P was not particularly smarter, just more devious. They have the ‘advantage’ of not being constrained by morals, conscience, ethics. They can lie, cheat and hurt people to get what they want.
For me, there was a temptation to lower myself to his level, and I slipped up a few times, and deliberately changed my direction so as not to go down that road. On some level, the spaths want us to be just like them. It’s the ultimate destruction of us and the ultimate victory for them if they can get us to act like them. They want us to engage and play the game with them more than they want to ‘win,’ which is a short term goal for them, because when they ‘lose’ they just switch games, ie switch venue and/or switch victims and/or switch minions. Since people are interchangeable to them, it’s easy. They are stuck forever doing the exact same thing.
This is an area where it would help us to be a bit more like them – if we could drop them from our reality and move on to nice people. Since we bond and since part of the spath’s M.O. is to get us to focus on them to the point of worship, it is difficult for us to do. The way to really ‘win’ is to completely remove them from one’s reality as much as possible, so they no longer affect our lives. Realistically in many situations it’s not possible to do this completely. Using the grey rock technique helps. My ex spath keeps rearing his ugly head through others and in situations, it’s a present challenge over a year since he’s been gone, to deal with at times.
Consider whether blocking an ex spath from Facebook or making one’s page private and visible only to friends, might be even more empowering and freeing than considering what the ex spath will think about what one posts. You might end up feeling even better when you get to the point where you aren’t even in the game anymore. It took me awhile and I’m not totally there, but it’s a goal for me.
Roar2014
I’m trying so hard! Last night we went to a function and I watched everything he did. I stayed sober without he detecting my change in character, usually I’m the life of a party along with the friends that I’d made in that circle of people – these friends I know I will lose…to my husband I’m showing my devotion to him and playing happy little families to the end!
My spath has no idea I’m moving out. He thinks I believed his lies when I asked for a separation and revealed several reasons to give it validity. I became very happy when I’d decided that it was time for me to escape and went about preparing for it while he’s out of the house – he thinks he won and I just got over it like I always did.
In watching him last night I woke in that same confused state, he is so believable! He has everyone conned! It took some talking to myself and reminding of the evidence to switch it back – I hate that part of the control he had over me for 14 years, that stupid question I ask myself sometimes “what if I’m wrong?” Hate hate hate that doubt I let creep in…
The exact same thing happened to me today. I went to a party and I have been practicing “gray rock” the past few weeks. It has had mixed results – most of the time it helps me get along much better with him, not confronting him. It also bores him which makes him more aggressive at times.
But most of all, it keeps me calm to the point of starting to think, “Gee, maybe this isn’t so bad after all.” The party was okay and he was charming and everyone liked him. And it’s confusing. Really confusing. I came home and got right on Love Fraud to remind myself of what he is.
Here is what I want to say to you and me both. They are sociopaths and we need to get away from them. Period. I am having a tough time staying focused right now and I am following your process with much support for your escape. “What if I’m wrong. What if I’m too sensitive.” Yikes. What if he is a sociopath and will *never* change and we need to have the strength to get out.
I am praying for us both to stay strong and clear and to move forward. I don’t post regularly but I post when I can. I’m sending you good thoughts for this next week. Very best wishes to you.
Opalrose
Thank you for your strength and kindness ♥
Today I got organised after my momentary lapse and started packing up things he wouldn’t notice missing, all while he sat on the back deck reading the paper. Several hours later he was hanging washing and watering the garden so I got the opportunity to pack it in the car and yell out to him that I was going to get dinner. He didn’t suspect a thing! I drove over to the my sisters house, emptied the car then picked up dinner with him non the wiser 😉
I’m pumped, I’m motivated snd I’m organised to move the rest next Sunday while he’s at footy for 6 hours.
I wish you the opportunity that I’ve been given!
Btw – I come to LF to remind myself DAILY lol
Love light and brightest of blessings xxx
AnnettePK and Roar2014
I’ve had the odd comment from lifelong friends that “you wouldn’t know it on Facebook!” After I’ve explained the situation in private. I’m so looking forward to being authentic again, not hiding my true self – bring it on!
If he makes you feel bad, he is wrong. I second guessed myself when my ex P made me feel bad even before we married. I thought, well, I haven’t dated in a while, maybe I’m too sensitive, he’s a Christian so it has to be me that’s wrong, etc.
My first and normal late husband never made me feel bad. We disagreed sometimes, but he never made me feel confused, reeling, awful, hurt.
Love is supportive and kind.
Folks who have a tough time escaping from toxic relationships are listening to their brain chemistry instead of their brain’s conscious reality.
Before we were involved with a toxic person, we didn’t need to know the difference. But in escaping a bad relationship, our “chemical addiction” keeps trying to tug us back. We dance back and forth between recognition and forgiveness, second guessing ourselves and wondering whether it’s over-sensitivity or reality.
It’s important to know how our brain functions in romantic love so we can spot the addictive quality and focus on the reality.
Joyce
OMG ur so rite Annette! My late husband never made me doubt myself or feel bad for being me. He loved all my quirks. He made me feel good about me. I’ve not felt that in 25 yrs almost! A real man does this. These sons of hell exist to ruin us.
Excuse me.
This brief word from your future.
1. Do Not Put Your Hand Onto The Stove Burner.
2. Remember how Monty Python’s King Arthur put it, and then do what he said: “Run Away! Run Away!”
3. The more you invest in a fake persona, the more you are playing into his game. Instead of “Don’t. Stop,” say “JUST. Stop.”
Thank you.
HanaleiMoon…I am so sorry. I hate the destruction he caused for you with no looking back. We seem to have ripples of damage due to them and they just seem to move on like a rolling stone. I know it’s hard…sometimes it seems we will never fully recover. We get almost there and them BAM, everything seems to be on top of us again. Just know I am thinking of you this evening.
I need some wisdom. I’m 10 days NC after several discards since March. After late night drunk phone calls and broken commitments, I finally decided to listen to and believe one of his last statements to me which was “that is why this will never work”. He said this after I voiced my disappointment over him cancelling our Saturday night date because he was “too tired”. Too tired, my a*%. He had a better offer. Anyways, I never told him I was done with the relationship. I just stopped communicating with him, and he stopped contacting me, as well.
Today, a very nice, stable, single man whom I’ve known for 6 years asked me to go to 4th of July fireworks with him tomorrow night. I said “Sounds great!” when inside I suddenly panicked. What if I run into Spath? Does Spath think we’re still in a relationship in a weird twisted way? I kind of miss the Spath. What if this ruins any chance we have to get back together (yes, I know that is sick thinking)? What if this new guy wants to have a real relationship with me, and I’m such a nut job from my relationship with Spath that I ruin it?? Instead of looking forward to a fun night together, I feel like I’m going to be watching over my shoulder, waiting for Spath to show up and cause a scene.
The chaos continues. Before it was when he was around. Now I create it in my mind.
claimmypower, be gentle with yourself, as creating chaos in your own mind is pretty normal at this point. Congratulations on 10 days NC!
Who knows what he thinks at this point, and it is subject to change and more chaos at any time which is why it is so important to stay NC! I’m assuming you don’t want to get back with him if you’re here. Feeling like things might work out somehow is pretty normal at this point too – but if he is disordered, it won’t.
Don’t rush a new relationship until you’re on stable ground. It doesn’t sound like you’re married to the other guy and I don’t know how long/serious the relationship is, but I don’t see anything wrong with going to fireworks with a nice man as long as you keep it light and fun. If you are in a frame of mind to do that and not be on the lookout for the other guy, then go and have fun. It’s just fireworks! See it as that and nothing more, even if you are a bit of a nut job right now. If, on the other hand, you’re feeling kind of frantic and are going to be looking over your shoulder, it’s probably a good idea to pass until you’re calmer. You’ve known him for six years, it’s a good bet that he’ll ask again.
Hope that helps.
Hi, HanaleiMoon. I’ve always had anxiety about uncertainty in relationships, which is why I tend to jump into serious commitments rather than keeping it light and fun. I don’t even know how to keep things light and fun. I usually reveal too much personal information and dive into new relationships with lots of energy. Then, I feel trapped and more anxious. I remember how I did that with my Spath. Once the chaos started after about 2 months, I had mentally trapped myself into thinking this was a serious, committed relationship, so I needed to stick with it, I am afraid I’ll do that again.
I’m going to go to the fireworks, biit I’ll be repeating “light and fun” to myself all night!
Spaths capitalize on those of us who trust quickly and who are willing to let them move a relationship forward very fast. Normal relationships usually develop a bit more slowly.
Hope you have a great time just enjoying having company and enjoying the fireworks. I find it balances my thinking on dates to consider what I can do to make the evening pleasant for my date – try to keep the conversation pleasant and interesting, let him know I appreciate his company and his asking me along somewhere or asking me out. It helps me to stay in the moment.
Annette,
Great point about focusing on the moment and staying in it. I find it difficult to keep my thoughts in the here and now. Staying in the moment is very important to our healing!
Claimmypower,
I hope you went to the fireworks and had a good time!!!!
The fact that you recognize your own tendencies to dive into relationships quickly and openly (we sound very much alike!) is a good sign. You are aware of your self, which spaths definitely aren’t. They haven’t a clue about themselves honestly, nor do they understand or empathize with others. Normal people do – even those of us that have lived with the chaos exacted upon us by these lunatics.
Just be you…have fun and “be”.
Hi, roar2014. Yes, I went to the fireworks and had a fantastic time! I pretty much forgot about Spath once I got there. It was fun having a new person to laugh with. Actually, I realized Spath would have hated going. He would have complained about the crowd, the parking situation and the long lines. In contrast, my guy friend was a perfect gentlemen, didn’t make me feel bad about myself and stayed sober. Oh, yes, the best part…..he picked me up for the date! The Spath had lost his license for nonpayment of child support, so I was constantly chauffering him around. Of course, he didn’t tell me he lost his license. For the first months of our relationship, he kept telling me he had renewed it, but the new one hadn’t arrived.
The new guy asked me to join him and a friend on a boat the following day, so I had a nice time. However, by the end of the day, I realized 1) I wasn’t really ready for a new relationship and he was looking for a longterm relationship 2) I still had unresolved feelings for the Spath, so I wasn’t fully engaging in the new relationship 3) the new guy, although very nice, polite and well-off, was very controlled and judgmental of other people, which was a turnoff for me. I told him today I had a fantastic weekend with him, but I wasn’t in the right place in my life for a romantic relationship. I feel relieved. I need to work on me, first, before jumping into another relationship. Sigh.
Claimmypower
I’m also glad you had a good weekend! We need to experience different situations to find what suits and what doesn’t. I’m personally looking forward to being single for the first time ever!
I have this vision that the average person is carrying a suitcase full of baggage around with them but I’m chained to a shipping container full of it….lol I know it will be years before I’m going to allow someone to step in under my guard. Be kind and patient with yourself – things will change when the time is right x
claimmypower, wow! What a successful weekend! You had some fun, found further understanding of yourself and acted accordingly and still have had no contact!
High five! Good job!!
Claim-
You need to get out of your head!
We tend to over think everything when we are exiting from a relationship with someone who is character disordered. You obviously had sufficient chaos with him to decide to exit the relationship. You need to embrace your instinct to protect yourself from further trouble with him.
He will not get better. He is who and what he is. All the pleading and begging to get you back will be for show and he will shortly behave the exact same fashion that you left behind.
Sometimes, when we’re experiencing the confusion of the breakup, we tend to over think. I find that doing something energizing to raise our endorfins helps before we make a decision. If we can force ourselves into a positive mindset, we can get ourselves out of our ever vigilant brain and just “be.”
So before you make a decision about whether or not to accept this invitation, go out for a brisk walk, or just turn on the radio and dance.
Stop making decisions based on the interests of that jerk, or what you think are his interests. Guaranteed, he’s not making decisions about what’s best for you.
Do what works for you!
Joyce
Joyce,
I just loved this comment you made! Over thinking everything and worrying in advance about outcomes in my divorce has been maddening for me. My spath has taken up residence in my head almost all of the time to the point where all I do is live and breathe HIM. I need to get out and have fun, and as a consequence of your statement and advice, I am inspired now to get him out of my head and dance. Last night, all I did was dream about him and cry…literally, while sleeping. Today, I will play music.
Thank you, Joyce. You are inspiring.
Thanks Joyce!
You inspired me to. I also live and breathe my spath, to the point that I can’t remember anything else but know its because he occupies the space. I’m making an effort to change that as of today! 🙂
Yeah, late night drunk phone calls and broken commitments won’t work ever. Congrats on breaking up with someone who is not good for you and not good in general. That’s a good thing you did for yourself and your life.
Unless there’s something you know otherwise, it might be fun just to go out to do something and have company, to make the evening pleasant for him and for you, without reading anything else into it. When you do get around to dating, consider that that disordered relationships move too fast because the spath has decided he’s going to exploit someone without getting to know them because the spath could care less what another person is about. Real relationships take time to get to know someone. Going out, dating, doing interesting things, keeping company with someone, shouldn’t have deep meaning or commitment right away, until 2 people know each other well enough. Dating can be fun in and of itself, not just as an avenue to get into a relationship.
AnnettePK – Thanks for your encouragement. I went to fireworks and then spent a day boating with the new nice guy. I realized I didn’t have the energy yet for a new relationship, and the chemistry just wasn’t there for me. I decided to tell him I wasn’t in the position for a romantic relationship right now. He said he was disappointed, but was “glad I was honest with myself, so I didn’t end up in the same position I had been in the past” (which was a little condescending, but he was probably hurt). Contrast this with when I tried to exit my relationship with the spath about 4 days after we met, and he turned into the drama queen and guilted me into staying. 18 months later, he completely discarded me.
13 days NC!
Claimmypower
Dear claimmypower,
Since you’ve known this “very nice, stable man” for 6 years, would it be possible for you to simply express that you’re not sure how to feel about any new relationship just now? and that therefore you are wanting to “look forward to a fun night together” and potentially more of them, as opposed to establishing a new commitment right away?
In the end, what we hated about our spaths was their artifice. IF ONLY they had been more revealing of their intentions (“several discards since March…He had a better offer”). I don’t want to sound old-fashioned but some of Grandma’s advice was the best there is: Be Yourself. Only in that way can ANY partner be his or her own self too. Your partner will thank you for your candor no matter how much it hurts at the time — and hate you for lying no matter the excuse.
So dear (loving pinch on the cheek) go have fun! and tell this nice person that you just wanna have fun. If he knows and cares about you after these past years, he will understand. And if not, then you will have to tweak your energies a little more, to attract those who do and will. Either way, it’s a Win/Win to Be Yourself.
NoContact – I appreciate your suggestion of honesty. I’ve had a tendency to not want to hurt other people’s feelings, however, that usually brings lots of anxiety because I’m not being true to myself. I was always telling myself I could put up with the Spath’s chaos – staying out all night, coming home drunk, berating me for not answering my phone. However, that was a lie.
I will think about where I am at and be ready to tell the new guy that tomorrow. Thank you for the encouragement!
Dear AnnettePK,
First, I thank you for your wonderful response to my lament from the other night/morning. After working all day yesterday (fortunately, it was a quiet day at work! YAY), I crashed on my living room couch last night and managed to get some much needed sleep. Today, July 4th (miserable weather here), I feel somewhat restored. Sharing my feelings and, in turn, reading all of the responses to this thread for me and others has helped to further restore my spirit. I am still the ever feisty one deep down inside (wink).
You asked if he ruined me financially 3 times and the answer is yes. I had money subsequent to my divorce from my first husband (a milder version of a spath, actually – but not like this nutjob), which included an account that had grown expoentially since my divorce in the late nineties (My first divorce was granted in 1996 and I met the current spath whack-o in the spring of 2000). Spath #2 encouraged me to take that money out, which I did (fool!)for reasons I can’t recall right now.The consequence of this foolishness? A HUGE tax bill (resulting in my salary being garnished for a short time) that my spath worked hard (said tongue in cheek) to cut down with the IRS. I had to take a pension loan to pay that off and then used other monies to pay that loan off. There were other times, too…but memory recall is mixed up now, in part due to the near constant mind-f*ck he put me through, the overwhelm I felt in listening to his constant blathering (this guy NEVER shut up…never!) and the brain fog of fibromyalgia.
I don’t have contact with him now, thankfully. This is because my attorney told me not to contact him or respond to anything in writing. I had already enacted this rule over the course of the last year when I knew this s*ithead was doing an “end around” on me. I did have email contact with him intermittently over the course of the last year when it involved mutual business,but for the most part it was limited. It did increase in March 2014 when I first filed for divorce as a Pro-se litigant and tried to negotiate a deal. Since then there has been no contact.
But to cover myself – this is something I did since he left me in 2011 and suggest others to do – I saved every single email he sent me over the course of the last few years (2011 – 2014).I saved all of my responses, too. What I don’t have are the emails and responses I sent him in 2010 when he coerced me into encouraging him to leave. (The story is complicated, but he insisted (through crocodile tears) that I go on a “journey” to find myself after my breast cancer and hysterectomy; a journey that he felt should include my having affairs with men and women (with his approval!!!!)and his moving out to give me “space”. In his court documents, he has changed this of course. He now blames me for “kicking him out”, despite what I know is the truth. He was working behind the scenes to concoct a barter arrangement and then forced me to come up with a plan to give us a time out – with suggestions he made through constant email and phone call pressure to the point of my own exhaustion.)
I am taking steps to help myself. I am seeing a therapist that has experience with people that are Bi polar, Borderline and Narcissistic personalities (all of which he was diagnosed with, but NEVER acknowledges – in fact, he has portrayed me to be the one with emotional and psychiatric issues.), so talking things out with her has helped me tremendously. My support system is huge thankfully, so there is a lot of encouragement. Most importantly, I have a few key people in my corner that are my chief supporters and advisers. I have reconnected with close friends and have already made plans to see them over the summer. Everyone is thrilled that he is out of my life, as I am.
The irony – and I do say this with a wicked grin – is that I look better than I ever did! Colleagues and friends say that I look radiant and beautiful, which helps to fuel my progress. I don’t look my age, which I find amusing given the journey I am on with the court case and all the stress and exhaustion it causes me. But I – and all of us – will prevail! Despite the sorrow of all of this for me, I know my life is far better now than it was before. Just thinking about the time I was with him makes me gag.
Thank you for your suggestions and support, my dear. I send hugs and prayers to you.
Dear Aintgonnatakeitnomore,
Thank you so much, honey!! I chose the name Roar in honor of Katy Perry’s song subsequent to her divorce from that lunatic comedian she married. It was a very telling song for me that reminded me of the lioness that has always rested within me. Decades ago while in college, one friend described me as a woman that walked with two female lionesses, which I loved because it rang true for me. Now, decades later, those lionesses have returned. They live within each of us that has posted here. Moreover, after going through cancer as a “Warrior Goddess” (my moniker at the time), I know that if I can get through that I certainly can get to the other side of this lunactic and the havoc he created in my life.
Will I get to the other side? Yes. In moments of despair and exhaustion, I wonder about that sometimes. But, in moments – like now – when I am restored, I know that I will. We all will.
I am a survivor of many losses and tragedies- I got through them through the sheer force of will in my own nature and my unwillingness to cave in to the pain they caused me. This scenario has been tough on me and very painful because this marriage was a mere illusion all along. And yet, despite the hardship and the pain, it taught me a valuable lesson. Like you, I won’t take it anymore.
May we all shine on. Thank you for the support! I am so happy to be here.
Roar,
Are you familiar with Katy Perry’s song “Wide Awake” and the music video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0BWlvnBmIE&feature=kp It describes waking up from and escaping the clutches of a relationship with a spath. Her movie Part of Me touches on how her ‘mariage’ to the spath hurt her.
Her song Hot & Cold is really descriptive of the spath relationship. She definitely gets it in a way that only if you’ve been through it.
I’m not into popular culture, don’t have a tv, etc. My son kept telling me Hot & Cold was about my ‘marriage’ and when Wide Awake came out he showed me that one, too.
AnnettePK,
Yes, I am definitely familiar with her “Wide Awake” video! (I don’t know the song “Hot and Cold”, but I will check that out later on today.)
When I first saw to “Wide Awake” video, it resonated within me in a way that nothing else has. I am not a huge fan of Katy Perry’s honestly – I am more old school classic rock (boy, am I dating myself) – but her journey with her spath touched me. I saw myself in her.
Here’s to a good day for all of us.
Roar
Here’s an “unplugged” version of Hot & Cold, but the mic is too low for her so she has to bend over which affected the vocals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3dG1FGQRMk The video is good, too.
I’m not big into Katy Perry either, but my son played me Hot & Cold and Wide Awake; and he got me to see her movie Part of Me, which I never would have watched otherwise. Her ‘marriage’ isn’t the point of the movie, but it’s evident how hard she tried to make the marriage work and how much her ex spath hurt her. Her strength is inspiring to me.
Thank you for the well wishes, and for puttin a smile in my morning.
AnnettePK…you bet I know the “Wide Awake” song. I love it. I used to sing that at the top of my lungs when it would come on in the car. It was me totally. I still will sing it loud if it comes on, but I never hear it anymore. I love how in the video everything is dark and at the end, everything becomes light. That is exactly how it is once we start to heal and come out of the darkness.
Yes, she expresses so much of coming out of the spath experience, in that song and the video, in a way words could never do. I think that folks who have not been through the spath experience enjoy it on a different level. I would not have related to it in the same way before my spath experience.
AnnettePK…me, too. I agree with you regarding relating to that video and song in a completely different way if you have not been through a sociopathic experience.
I just now watched the “Wide Awake” video – it is awesome – thank you !! I need strong examples of women recovering and this is very inspiring. I had a bit of a breakdown this morning while the spath husband was out of the house. It was scary but it felt good to yell and beat on the wall of my kitchen pantry. Quite the scene, but I needed to let out my frustration. So thanks AnnettePK and Katy Perry for showing me a great example of getting out and getting strong. Whew !!
Whoops!
Thanks again Roar2014 ★
I’d completely forgotten about my warrior spirit guide. Some have said over the course of my life that I’m protected by an Indian Warrior energy – no wonder I always land on my feet! I’ll have a little chat with this bloke tonight and see if he’s still around to protect me…
(Sometimes the alternative way of thinking is the best way to raise my vibrational energy and keep me focused on the end result , whatever works to keep me positive I say, even if it’s left field!)
Ironic,
You are more than welcome!!! Even if these things come out from left field or not (LOL), whatever energy guidance we “receive” are our tools to move forward. More importantly. we absolutely cannot forget our spirit guides – even those in animal form – as they guide us and walk with us.
Over the years, in addition to the lioness visages, I have had several animal guides in my life, with the latest being wolf energy. I haven’t tapped into that wolf energy yet (since my brain is so clouded by this insanity) but it is there. I do feel protected in some way, shape and form.
Here’s to YOUR Indian Warrior energy, my dear…remember that it is ALWAYS there.
Roar
HanaleiMoon,
Your story is reminiscent of my own and is encouraging to me, as you have illustrated a vision of what to expect in the future. I have spent the better part of the last three years in a state of numbed shock, merely existing and functioning because I had no choice but to do so. Abject fear became the hallmark of my inner persona much like you described yourself to be. At work, I kept up appearances because I HAD to, but at home I wept, ate poorly and slept fitfully, living what was left of my life in a constant state of anxiety and dread. Later, when the Spath suddenly wanted a separation agreement that tied me to him forever, my friends and I knew he was up to something; knew he was with someone else that he could exploit and use. Knowing this forced me to explode into awareness of what was really going on. I woke up,literally and figuratively from the fog and began to take silent and stealth action to protect myself. That I refused to comply with his bogus agreement enraged and continues to enrage him, as much as my filing for divorce did.
As all of this moves forward, I move forward as well. I am exhausted, drained (in every way) but I will get on with life once the divorce concludes. And, as each day passes without him, the bitterness shall leave me too.
Thank you for the support and the encouragement!! It means more to me than you will ever know.
Roar, I understand completely when you say you were merely existing and functioning because you had no choice but to do so. That is exactly how I felt – that I had no other choice.
Early on, my wonderful therapist told me that she felt that I was really doing an amazing job of dealing with such a horrible situation and my response was that I had no choice. She said something that I will never forget. She told me that it was a hallmark of my strength of character and resilience that I thought I had no choice, because other women might have seen a variety of choices, beginning with doing whatever it took to get back in his good graces and stay with him. Other things like immediately filing for bankruptcy to get out from under the crushing debt he left me in, turning to alcohol or drugs, or falling into a pit of emotional despair that would destroy their life even farther. When I was able to clear the fog a bit, I saw that she was right, especially since almost all of the women in my life at the time advocated filing bankruptcy or trying to stay with him.
So keep that in mind, you see no other choice because that is who you are, and that is very, very good.
I am now in this weird transition period. It’s been a few months since the shared house was sold and I am free to rebuild and create a new life. I’m surprised to find myself at loose ends, out of sorts and just sort of drifting.
I have realized that cleaning up the mess he had left me in took every waking minute of the last 3 years for me and I had gotten really good at it, even comfortable with it. Roof leaking again? No problem! Plumbing backed up again? No problem. No money for anything? No problem! Giant tree limb fell off? No problem, I’m your girl and I’ve got a saw and nothing but time! In the end, I’d even made it a game, I think. The first roof leak was a tragedy – by the fifth, I just rolled my eyes and set out a bucket. I’m still finding my sea legs in life without this “job” to do every day. Not a bad place to be, just, different. Unexpected.
While I’ve been in a slump the last few weeks (for a variety of reasons I haven’t just shot out of the gate like a thoroughbred), I’m still dancing in my stall, eager to get out there and run as fast as I can and drink in the whole countryside. It’ll happen. I am sad because I feel it is time to distance myself from a friend who has been a support through a lot of this time, as I have noticed that she is very negative about my prospects and future, as if she liked the “down and out” me better and wishes I was still there, instead of talking about good times ahead. I guess what I see now is that she sees her life as drudgery and wants company.
What a learning experience! I’m sure waxing philosophic this morning!
HanaLei-
Here’s another alternative that your therapist seems not to have mentioned: people who are raped, and that’s what most of us faced…. rape by fraud and/or emotional rape, are 13 times more apt to commit suicide.
The deep depression that results from what we’ve experienced can be debilitating. It’s so important for everyone to recognize the heinous nature of the offender’s actions in order to understand the depression they feel and give themselves permission to grieve their losses!
For those who find this supportive community, it’s especially relevant to know that by reaching out for solutions here, you are demonstrating that you have a strong emotional makeup, that you’re determined to regain your dignity, and that you’re on your way to becoming a survivor.
The battle is harder for some than for others. In particular, people who must co-parent with a sociopath can’t simply walk away. They are embroiled in the machinations that manipulate our most precious love of all, our children. And the impacts we witness can make us feel even more disempowered.
Whether children are involved or not, we all have to combat a great deal of pain that can rob us of our joy. But understanding what took place, and having the supportive care of people who know that pain, can be tremendously beneficial in helping us regain our inner light.
To all of my friends here on LF, I hope this Independence Day can mark your personal independence from the debilitating harm you suffered.
Joyce
well the kids and i are sitting here today. just like every other day lol
we were promised use of 1 of the cars last nite (i didnt even ask but it was offered) and then it was rescinded a few hrs ago.
im waiting for my kids to figure out theres no picnic, let alone firewks for them 🙁
i am a rly bad mom.
Aint,
What a bummer about the car and taking away your plans for the holiday. Depending on the ages of your children, they might be ok and could have fun doing a picnic in the yard, fireworks on TV, or light a candle and stomp on bubblewrap for the sound effects for fireworks, or throw glitter and make noise with whatever is at hand. Make decorations from whatever is around that’s red, white and blue, and have your own parade. Take turns reading the declaration of independence aloud. A celebratory attitude goes along way in creating excitement and fun for children (and you!).
Don’t let some spath succeed in trying to make you into a bad mom, because you’re not. You’re a great mom.
Joyce,
One of the things I love about this LF site is that you all guide us through the “real” emotions of our struggle. It’s not just cheerleading us with “You can do it!” Sadly, all your facts are true that this is a most debilitating journey. For every good day, there are two that are miserable and depressing. We all are faced with the constant reminders of our loss and abuse. Each morning we wake to the same heart pain and soul injury. It’s so overwhelming at times.
Thank you for reminding us that just being here and looking for answers is indication of our strength. Any encouragement is appreciated, I find that the periods of despair are farther apart, but more intense when they come. Dealing with the father of my kids makes it so much worse. Even after all this time, I can’t imagine the disorder in a person that would allow them to behave in such a hurtful way.
Ain’t, I’m sorry that holidays suck so bad. My heart hurts for you and your kids. They likely will not be affected by the events of today, but it’s just one more stone bruise on your heart. I hope you can find a way to enjoy the afternoon. Hugs!
Thinking of everyone today.
Like Joyce says, let’s find our personal independence!
This lot of posts is reminding me to keep my eyes on the prize! If I can focus on the life I want and just treat the separation as the process to get there then I will have control over the outcome.
I don’t want to look too closely at what I’m losing (financially) I don’t want to spiral into a depressive state, I don’t want to play in that energy at all! I want to see the blessing of being liberated from the monster NOW and during the transition to freedom, I want to land on my feet running towards a joyful life.
I do feel the pain of all of your situations but it’s reminding me not to buy into it, not to look too closely, not to allow the pain of what the last 14 years should have been. I’m looking into the future, my “Independence Day” and keeping my mind and emotions in tact. After all, my spath was the one that destroyed it, he went way out of his way to make me look and feel good as a person.
I love your therapist’s comment on “no choice.” What a wonderful way to look at it.
I can relate to dealing with the leaks, fallen tree limbs, etc, on one’s own. I felt very abandoned by my ex P when it came to dealing with all this stuff alone after he’d promised to be there with me. He was really not that much help when he was here, but it took me awhile to see that, when I started to get things done that never got done when he was supposed to be doing them.
Finding it difficult to deal with everyday life is a symptom of PTSD. When I realized that I was suffering from this, I didn’t fight it so much. I treated it like the flu or something, kind of indulged it by allowing myself to emotionally rest from the stresses of life, Iand think and feel like I did without worrying that I was anxious and angry, etc. I sort of just indulged myself and waited until I got better, which is happening for me.
Oh my God, Joyce! Your story made me angry and sad, especially since he wasn’t there for you while you were pregnant with your son. That he wanted support and your house while not providing for your son or parenting him just disgusts me. Sigh. In the end, I do hope that Karma will do him and all of our spaths the appropriate justice they deserve.
Fortunately, we have no children (says she, breathing a sigh of relief), so in due course all of this insanity will be over. I have no contact with him, thankfully – nor he with me. We have both been counseled by our respective attorneys not to communicate. Thank God. The sound of his voice and the very sight of him makes me gag. Fortunately, I have learned to shield myself emotionally from this visage and his ugliness, even in court and in court documents. He is a LOSER.
Thank you so much for the support and the concern. May we all shine on!
Roar
HanaleiMoon,
I am so sorry to read what he did to you, my friend. Our stories are similar in that we made general and financial decisions based on our love for our spaths. Sadly, in both cases, both of them blamed us for everything that transpired, despite their participation in our undoing (on all levels). And yet, what I am learning from all of this is that they absolutely cannot take away our core essence, or rather the energy and power that helped us to move forward in our lives and in our careers. We STILL are ourselves; the key is finding them in the gravel pit. I am here to help find that person in me again and, through the support this site engenders, offer that to you and the others that have and will walk through this madness.
WE WILL SURVIVE AND THRIVE!
Sending hugs.
Roar-
Just wanted to respond to your concerns about when you questioned that your behavior might be sociopathic toward the offender….
The difference between a sociopath and a person within the”normal range” is “affective empathy.” this characteristic enables us to develop conscience, a trait that is totally lacking in a sociopath.
Every human being will adapt to their circumstance. If a thief entered your home, you’d do what was needed to protect yourself and your family. Doing so would not make you a sociopath.
One of the ploys of a sociopath is to use our “adaptive” reactions to gas-light us. If we get angry at their cruelty, they seize our anger as a means to gas-light us, shining a light on how we behaved in order to denegrate us to ourselves and others.
We are human and react. Those reactions don’t mean we’re sociopaths. In fact, the fact that we have a conscience about our behavior makes us even more susceptible to gas lighting. They can really twist the screws using our own remorse to make us feel helpless and defensive.
Having No Contact removes us from the enevitable gas-lighting that sociopaths are notorious for. And it prevents our feeling compelled to react to their hideous behavior.
Joyce