UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
NoContact, as to Word No. 1 from your future (Do Not Put Your Hand Onto The Stove Burner aka if it hurts stop doing it), YES!
I came to the tough decision this weekend to distance myself from my current closest friend. Over the past few months I’ve been struggling with some issues (some residual from the ex, some just “normal” problems) and interspersed with her being a friend, there has been increasing negativity, discouraging remarks, and some things that have been downright mean (I have excused them as thoughtlessness or a different attitude to life) but honestly, my gut has been screaming at me that continuing a friendship with this person is not good for me at this time. And if her attitude toward life is what she has been speaking to me lately, she is not good for me, ever.
I ended a conversation with her abruptly a few days ago and she has since left me a message apologizing for “giving her opinion”. Not for being so cruelly harsh that I had to add in my prayers that that wasn’t me who said such a thing or even thought such a thing, or for realizing that she was hurting me with her words. There are some things you can’t unhear that just make you feel so, so wrong.
Word No. 2 (Run Away!) applies here. I always stay too long dammit.
I dropped a very long friend 2 mos ago. She was a female version of the narc. She always understood his point of view. Like rly understood it. She would day that he was wrong to behave wrong but I should a, b and c. Nonono. I shouldn’t. She’s as sick as he almost. I was done with her telling me ridiculous opinions. Her life sucks and she’s miserable.
It’s hard to say bye but I didn’t even say it. She’s so self absorbed she doesn’t even notice.
I don’t need any disordered ppl, period.
Eliminating negative people makes room for the kind of people who do real relationships, real friendships.
Hanaleimoom
I always stay too long too…you aren’t alone xxx
Roar-
Irony of ironies, he landed in the feathered nest of an extraordinarily wealthy woman whose involvement feeds his business.
The main concept that helps me cope is that life’s a voyage, not a harbor. God provides us nothing for a “lifetime.” Our health, our relationships, our wealth…… they are all gifts to be embraced for as long as they exist in our lives. And when they stop existing…. we need to hoist our sails and head down a different, and hopefully wiser course.
If any of you have had relationships with imposters,, and believe (s)he conducts them self in a serial fashion, please let me know. As many of you know, I’m attempting to make a change in criminal code throughout the US regarding rape by fraud. You can contact me on my blog at http://www.CADalert.com. And if you’d like to help, please get in touch.
Joyce
In a earlier comment, Joyce reminds us that love is kind. If we coiled only remember that point when we are trying to break free of a Spath, we would have an easier time.
Those of you who are totally NC know what the rest of us are learning, that one can’t see the forest (lack of love) for the trees (Spath manipulation). Now that I rarely speak to the Spath, I’m beginning to feel love again. I feel so much more for others and myself. In my case, it was not only the addictive chemicals that caused me to be blinded, but also the fear of the passive aggressive threats that confused my mind. Once away from the chaos, I’ve been able to settle my soul and see that life is not so foreboding or terrifying and Hope is possible, or even expected,
The dark miserable cloud of the Spath hovers over every moment of our lives as long as we are involved. It seeps into the darkest crevasse of our souls and robs us of our God given right to a joyful life. There is no joy with a Spath. They love to suck the life out of others. It’s their sustenance. And it they can’t get it from our love and nurturing, they will sadistically take it from our torture and despair.
It’s refreshing and convicting to remember that Love is Kind. Unkindness is a tool of the evil. When we see the door to freedom, we should all bust through it and run. But for me, the fatigue of the fighting makes it difficult. I’m so thankful that when I can’t battle any longer, God carried the battle on for me. Now, the Spaths attention is no longer on me. I can breathe and think……and rest.
I think the fatigue is the worst part. The constant defensive mode of waiting for the next attack is exhausting. The breakdown in my body, my mind and my spirit has been almost impossible to overcome. That is, until LF. You all have helped set my mind straight and kept me focused. The future is not certain, but it’s manageable to think of.
I love the reminder in Corinthians 13. “But these three remain….Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is Love.”
I seriously don’t know who is more stupid! Him or me?
Don’t they realise we are watching? Taking mental notes, regardless of how trivial…. umm HELLO! No mouthwash is a dead giveaway!
I usually wake to the beginning of an ah-ha moment and this morning (6am Sydney time) is no exception. I woke acknowledging the absence of mouthwash, the smell of it would keep me awake or wake me up when he came to bed after I’d gone to sleep, he was a policeman with shift work – that smell along with links body spray. To my nose they were toxic, I hated the smell of both. This morning I realised that my spath hasn’t come to bed smelling of mouthwash for 8 weeks. Since he was stood down pending an investigation into a child sexual assult = he’s not out screwing everything he can get in case he’s being watched by the authorities so no need for the cover up.
Side note; we haven’t had sex for 6 months nor have we kissed for years, there is no intimacy in our relationship. I took the mouthwash thing as a hint that I might have had bad breath so he wouldn’t kiss me…boy how wrong I was on that point!
I’m still moving out next Sunday but because he was going through my things looking for any information that might go against him in court I’ve had to remove my diary so I’m venting here – just getting it off my chest…
Online diary of thoughts as I journey towards the end…
I have a spyware program on the computer which shows me everything that my husband looks at and types in – today’s searches reminded me to not feel guilty about the way I’m leaving. He has no idea and I’ve arranged for 20 people and 2 trucks to be here while he’s at footy. Looking at his victims profiles for half an hour at a time, not mine hurts. I felt like logging into Facebook and putting the searches he’s done up as I left on Sunday, ready for him to see what I’ve seen but now I’ve reread some of these posts and I’m sticking to my original plan of, he doesn’t deserve to know what I know!
My question – I’m thinking of just leaving a note
“You are now my solicitors problem! Any form of contact will be recorded. If you come anywhere near me, I’ll issue an apprehended violence order.” (That’s it)
What does everyone think? Any suggestions? He knows I could get an apprehended violence order – I have enough proof…
Ironic,
I’m so proud of you! It’s taken such strength to plan this and now walk away. High five to you sista! I’ll be praying for a smooth move. You and your kids are going to be fine. But don’t forget that this is the most dangerous time. You probably need to realize that you will definitely need a violence order. So be prepared to invoke one at the first sign of any threat.
As far as the note, I’m not really sure of your Spaths personality, but for me, I would do as little as I can to provoke him. Maybe your lawyer has advice. I don’t think I would mention recording him as that’s a tool you have that he may not have thought about. Do you have everything off the computer?
Don’t have fear, but be shrewd and alert. He’s going to be really peeved at the sudden loss of control. I know you know him the best and have thought of this at every angle. You are going to be fine. Brighter days are just around the corner!,
I’m praying for your safety, strength , wisdom and direction. I hope your week is non eventful and that you can rest as you gear up for your exit. Good luck and God’s speed.
I’m so happy for you. 🙂
Thanks hopingtoheal ♥
He will use anything to twist my words to his advantage. I can see him playing the victim to our friends and acquaintances but in the end those people that have felt sorry for him and judged me will see the truth when he’s charged with child sex offenses.
I think I’ll just say something along the lines of;
” I wanted out and you’ve said you won’t sell the house so I’m leaving as you suggested. This is not some ploy to get you to prove that you love me. I have total closure so it’s time you moved on with your life as I am.”
This of course is a total waste of time! I know he’ll make this as hellish as he can, all while playing the “poor me” game to everyone else!
Thanks for your help and prays x
hi ironic,
On leaving a note. I say, Go for it. That way you don’t have to speak to him or look at him. I suggest to keep it short and to the point: I do not want you anywhere near me anymore for the rest of our lives. I do not like and will never understand the way you treat me. Leave me alone.
When I finally had had enough, I sent a few blunt ‘this is the end’ texts to him, even though I knew that he doesn’t read them when he thinks I am just temporarily mad at him, which is every break up since his friend bought him that phone. (he can’t even be responsible enough to actually pay for a phone himself, but that’s another story)
Anyway, what happened for about a week or so after I sent the texts is that he kept coming over uninvited trying to talk, and demanding that I not be so mad and angry at him all the time and to just give him a chance to say what it is he has to say (what a joke trying to let him say what it is that he has to say…it can take over four hours of me being blamed on why he is unable to form any coherent thoughts to explain his bad behavior and then he never gets to ‘it’. whatever ‘it’ is, ha!)
He didn’t stop coming around until I threatened him with a restraining order, (it’s been a week) but by doing that I started to receive a few carefully worded phone voice mails about how I am the stalker and that I shouldn’t go around threatening people! His friends can prove it and how I am documented as such, hahahahahahaha. After him sneaking around my house at midnight last week (I caught him) he left a voice mail that ‘hey I couldn’t get a hold of you on the phone, I hope everything is alright’ just to cover his butt about why he was lurking around in the middle of the night uninvited.
Leaving a note is possibly only effective for your ‘THE END’. If he bothers to read it, he is probably too thick in the head to fully grasp the meaning in your note, and won’t believe it. Don’t respond to his disbelief in any way. Please.
Just for good measure, lol, I would leave about ten copies of your note in different areas of the home, and one on his car (if he owns one). And then, don’t listen to a word he says after that, but do keep a record of any contact he makes with you as evidence that he is coming around or bothering you with technology after you demanded that he stop it. It’s far too late for any further ‘explanations’ from him about why he was abusive to you. And if he keeps coming around after you have told him not to, get that apprehended violence order.
((hugs))
ps: I can’t believe it! He just rang my doorbell! I’m off work all week for some planned time off. He’s still Hovering for Hoovering I think. I took four pictures of him standing and sitting down on my porch (for the record) and ignored him. He went to look in my bedroom window, I knew he would so I went in there to close the blinds as he was walking up to the window from the side of the building, and then he came back to the front porch, rang bell, asked if I was ignoring him through the crack, I turned up Rush Limbaugh really loud, (he hates my conservative views) and he finally left. Wow, one week without him being around was nice. Still, deep down I sort of expected him to show up while I was home from work this week and that he probably couldn’t get a piece of ass this holiday weekend that he typically spends up at the lake cabin, so I should be ‘on the look-out’ for him and his need to be J’kd-off just in case he wasn’t able to fool some other girl. I guess I will have to get a stay away order. I have been afraid to make him angrier.
Jenni
Jenni,
Unlike normal people these Psychopaths feed off of goodby notes, restraining orders, anything anything anything that shows the victim is thinking about them and putting any effort in anything about them. Anything the victim does is viewed as making a move in a crazy game they are playing. For many spaths what works to get rid of them is greyrock technique. It takes away all their motivation for contacting the victim.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Turning up Rush when he knows you know he hates it, is playing his game. It’s what he wants you to do. What he doesn’t want you to do is nothing, except other things in your life that have nothing to do with him.
Jenni, thanks for raising the topic you brushed on in the conclusion of your post.
I also am afraid to get a protection order.
Restraining orders don’t always help with spaths. It is worth considering if it will make things worse. Sometimes it is better to protect oneself in other ways if the spath is likely to get angry and cause harm. This happens quite a lot with disordered abusers.
Oh jenni! I can see it now…. “I tried everything to repair the relationship” “I don’t understand why she won’t talk to me” “I didn’t do anything wrong and I love her but she just packed up and left!” I know his twisted way of thinking will garnish sympathy from people, he’s played us all the whole time. In public, my spath has everyone convinced that he loves and adores me, most of our friends have no idea about the sex and porn addiction but they will all die of shock when he is publicly humiliated for child sex offenses. As a policeman, this will definitely hit the news!
I pray that my spath doesn’t come near me, yours must drive you crazy.
It’s so awful to be publicly vilified and to be misunderstood in this way. As much as you can, be patient and let karma, or your Higher Power, take care of the things beyond your control.
In my own experience, I found that most people didn’t care all that much; and the folks who mattered to me and who were my real friends, understood the truth, because they knew me and knew who I am, my values, my character.
AnnettePK
You must have been listening to me yesterday on a different level…. my guardian angel’s must be dancing a jig to the tune of “she’s on the right path – finally! ”
My decision to leave has opened up a whole new level of opportunities and I’m feeling very supported as doors open and things fall into place.
The investigators have arranged for someone to be at my husband’s footy games on Sunday and let us know when he leaves, giving us time to get out before he arrives home (I’m moving out without his knowledge) they also said they believe me, this is so important to me! Other doors are swinging open too and I’m smiling at the synchronicity of it all – blows my mind!
Thank you for sharing this good news!!! So good that you have some encouragement at a time that is really difficult. Here’s to light at the end of the tunnel, and getting there soon!!
Continued prayers that all goes well moving out. Please keep us posted when you can.
Ironic,
I’m so glad to hear everything is falling together! You are so strong. Saying prayers throughout the week for you.
AnnettePK
I will continue to share as everyone here has been so instrumental with my new strength and determination. Without LF I’d probably still be confused and wandering around in circles thinking I was crazy. Now the truths that my instincts were screaming at me have become concrete knowledge – I know without question who he is and how he works but most importantly I know who I am and how I can move forward for the first time in 14 years xxx
I would recommend not leaving a note and not threatening anything. He will see these rational comments of yours as chess moves in a game and he will not get any useful information from them, he will just use them against you. Even though it would satisfy to leave that note, better karma will be generated by you taking the high road.
Also, I recall that psychology studies show that the less negative engagements one initiates, the more your mind will be free of negative baggage, regardless of what he does.
What you are doing in leaving says more, says it all really, than a note could say. The power of ending contact with him would be diminished by a note. I think it’s a stronger statement to leave and end all contact. He will figure out that all future contact will be via solicitor, and if you get a restraining order he will know it when you get it. I think there is way more power in not leaving the note – from his point of view the note gives him insight into what you are thinking and it lets him know you are thinking about him and future interactions. Keep him guessing with your silence.
Getting a restraining order sometimes is helpful but many times in dealing with spaths it is not because they don’t care about the content of the order. They aren’t committed to obeying it, it’s just a play in a game to them. The decision to get an order is best based on what’s good for you and what his response is likely to be, not to punish him or teach him something. He will not learn from it like normal people who do wrong but learn and change from their mistakes.
Good that you’ve resisted your natural urge to post some of what you know. He deserves to be exposed, but what is best for you is more important because he will not learn from being exposed.
It’s sad that to deal effectively with spaths we have to override our natural feelings and responses. That is why it’s best to have no contact at all with any of them ever.
I hope your plans to get out go well. It is a dangerous time, and spaths are unpredictable. Make your safety the priority. Have you read The Gift of Fear by deBecker?
Hi LF friends. In need of advice/ support..just help today. I spent a weekend away with a good friend..had a great time. I came home to find my ex had created a new facebook page. Listing that he met the new victim in Ocotber 2013. He and I were living together still in October..we had all our holidays together, and he just put it right out there.
Also- that he is now in a relationship with her as of Febuary 7th. He left our home Feb 1..we were still intimate and he was still coming home up until the end of March. This is just another bullet in my heart…he is posting this on a public network and just showing that he really was cheating on me. im just so so hurt its killing me inside.
Taralav,
I’m so glad to hear you had a good weekend. You are improving so much.
I’m sorry about the new information. You should be very angry. Anger is helpful in pushing our recovery forward. Let yourself get mad. He duped you and used you. Mine did that to me too. He stayed until he had someone who was more pliable and would take his abuse, just as yours did. How awful and evil is it that your Spath spent the holidays with you while romancing someone else? I’d be so mad!
I hope you will stop searching for information on him. It only hurts you. But I understand. Because I’ve done it myself.
Keep moving forward and looking toward the brighter future that’s waiting. This jerk is about to be a memory.
Have a good week!
First and most important: Don’t respond. You can always respond later, but once you let him know you saw it, you can’t take it back. Keep your power. You did great to come here and tell us about it instead of responding to him.
Glad you had a good weekend. I am so sorry…he just does not stop hurting you. I think that you feel like everything is being taken from you, everything you thought was real, everything you relied on. You have been betrayed and you continue to be betrayed. Does it make you wonder how much worse can it get? That’s the way I felt when things were unraveling with my situation. It looks like you have more losses to grieve. I eventually came to the realization that nothing ever meant anything to my ex P, and that nothing I believed about him and our ‘relationship’ was ever real. It’s a lot to lose.
Consider that you can’t rely on what he’s saying now to be the truth any more than what he ever said to you (or anyone else) was the truth. Maybe he created the new FB page to hurt you, in case you stopped looking at his old one? To get your attention? It seems like he is determined to do stuff to hurt you. Who else looks at his new FB page? Does anyone really care all that much when he met Ms. New Thing? There is no value in anything he says or does so try to discount it as the meaningless dribble it is. There is no information of any value to you from him ever, past present or future.
If you don’t respond, he is less likely to keep on getting to you. Consider making that your first priority: No Contact no matter what. When you’re feeling more balanced and over the shock, consider what you can do to keep from seeing something like this again. It’s not information you need for anything. Consider staying off FB for awhile completely. Or is there a setting where you can just see your friends’ pages and posts? You might also consider how else he might get ‘in your face’ again, and block those avenues of contact if you can – consider being distant from mutual friends and family he might use to get to you.
It might help if you can make as much of your life at home like it was when you were away, that is whatever factors helped you have a pleasant weekend – time with friends, time away from anything that reminds you of him. I don’t know how much you can do that in your situation. I spent a lot of an entire year visiting friends and family in another state, I work for myself and can work anywhere a lot of the time.
Take care of yourself. One day, he will get what he deserves…
Taralav, I fully understand your pain. Especially seeing the cheating confirmed in writing. He posted it for you to see. Take his offering and let it propel you into the future, your new life. Take the pain and get something good from it.
Taralav, I read this on Psychopath Free this morning and thought of you:
A lot of relationships have a honeymoon phase and a painful breakup. But with sociopaths, these two things are taken to the extreme and swapped constantly. It is not normal to be talking about marriage one day and breaking up the next. Sociopaths have shallow emotions, so they make sweeping declarations that they never actually plan to follow through with. They just regurgitate what they think you want to hear, which leads to a one-way bond that means everything to you, but means absolutely nothing to them. They can sever it at any time without a second thought. This is why you’ll find the relationship oscillating between huge proposals, breakups, moving in together, you being crazy, raising a family together, you being jealous, and so on. The ups and downs go beyond that of any healthy relationship, and they switch back and forth the entire time, so you’re always on edge, never knowing where you stand with your partner.
I hope this helps. You have been doing great, and I agree with Annette that it would be very good for you to stay off FB. Seeing/knowing what he is posting will only hurt you and it’s probably not true anyway. No one that matters is reading that nonsense and thinking anything of you.
In my case, I kept finding out more and more things my ex had been doing behind my back, and yes, it did kill me inside, but more importantly, it kept me engaged in the “relationship” and in his life. It is harsh, but the truth is, he was doing whatever he wanted (spending money that should have been going to our home, dating, having sex, and marrying others) while I was stuck in place, treading water, in pain. I say this as much to you as a reminder to me. The longer you stay engaged with anything to do with him, the longer it will take you to feel like yourself again and be free of pain. That is the honest truth.
It is good that you have friends and are able to have some fun. Some of us were isolated and alone with no distractions. I know that you know that looking at this stuff only hurts you all over again and please consider that he is posting new things as a way to get to you since you have done so well with no contact. Don’t let his shenanigans ruin the fun you had this weekend or set you back. You have been incredibly strong…keep it up!
thank you Haneli- I just could not help to look. I just can NOT believe the dates he listed..as the times he met her and was in a relationship with her. Its so so sickening. I just want to throw up. To see him with photos of her..it breaks my heart
Taralav,
I have been reading your posts and those of others on this thread and I understand why you keep checking his Facebook as I have been there with my ex.
Its so hard after the immediate break up to see him for what he really is. It took me 3 years to finally see all the hurtful stuff he did back then was all done purposely to hurt me more. He has no limits!
It was all fun and games to him & he knew I had feelings that I couldn’t just switch off so he would play these games knowing I’d be grieving for him.
I realise I actually know him better now than I ever did during the 5 years I was with him.
My ex is a full on psychopath and one thing he knew was exactly how I operated. (Just like he did all of the women in his life.)
Your ex knows you are on Facebook, and he knows you are looking at his profile all the time.
This is why he posts photos and writes all this crap and then posts it all publicly!!
He does this to keep you hanging on and prevent you from moving forward with your life can’t you see that?!
The best thing you can do is deactivate your Facebook account and set up a new one under a new name if you must keep checking. Once he notices your profile as disappeared (something he doesn’t expect) he will probably do something else to try and get your attention. He doesn’t love you he just doesn’t want you to forget about him!
It’s a vicious circle and all done to keep you hooked and ready for his potential return! And trust me he will try and come back!! This Depending “how long” it takes to get what he wants from this other girl. She’s just a plaything to him and he will get bored with her- just like he did with you eventually.
I’ve been split up from my ex 4 years now and he is on Facebook but keeps his profile private other than his profile pic and friends list.
A few months back I heard a rumour he was in prison again after doing something to his new victim and unsure if it was true I typed his name in Facebook wondering if I could see anything on there… Because like your ex he used to have his profile settings set to public- but only for my attention!
Unfortunately his profile settings were still set to private so I couldn’t see anything but out of curiosity I looked at his friends list and i noticed that “every single one of his ex’s” but myself was on his friends list!
Eight women altogether, all of which are still a source of supply to him. Nothing more…nothing less.
He always had at least 3 women on the go when I was with him anyway so he just sees these women as potential “extra supply” if he loses one woman in his life then he never needs to go without!
This is all you are now, a source of extra supply to him.
Even after 5 years of heartbreak after heartbreak I believed at the end that I was so numb to his painful ways that he just couldn’t hurt me anymore, and still he did!
Looking back I found it that hard to accept for who and what he is that Maybe I wanted him to hurt me more ( as sick as that sounds) because I was angry at myself for still having feelings for him and I wanted to let go, So I wanted him to get me to hate and despise him.
Nothing helped at the time but it does get easier.
keeping busy and being around other people helped keep my mind focused.
Years later I feel absolutely nothing, not love nor hate. He’s just dead to me.
TJJ79- I actually was not looking for it..a friend of mine told me. He had closed his facebook months ago..i know now why he did it because I had photos of us and our family on it!! And he was cheating..so he had closed it out.
Now- he created a new one..with the dates he met this girl..the dates he became in a relationshiop. I know its dumb and petty..im 36 years old..but seeing the dates just kills me..it hurts so bad. Because he said he met her in October. we lived together still…all thru the holidays. And he started “in a relationship ” with her feb 7..and was still coming home and staying with me.
It just burns skin deep to see this.
Court and prison records are public, so if you want to find out for sure if he has been convicted of something and is serving time, it’s a matter of public record. It might be posted somewhere on the internet depending on your state and how long ago it was. It is definitely available in court records. Legal Aid could probably tell you how to find out.
It’s ok, taralav.
The best part of this website is that you can (it’s hoped) see how this mechanism works — not in your own life, but as reflected in others’ lives.
All that person is showing you is that he is a creep. It’s so hard to digest that we wasted so many years with a creep, and accept that we can’t control his behaviors. So, we pick away at the things we can control instead: our own actions and behaviors, thoughts, and specifically whether “it is our fault” that they are with somebody else (or in my case, bothering us to “get back together” so they can creep us out even further while “shopping around”).
People who flirt-up others at work while they are sleeping and living with us, are creeps. What does this say about US? Nothing. What does it say about them and their prospective partners? Right. At some point, you’ll no longer be heartbroken — you’ll be grossed out. Subconsciously, you know this will be even worse than the pain, which is why you allow yourself to suffer it instead of what your heart knows must come next: Fury. It’s easier to be sad.
Here is an image that stayed with me, a story from decades ago. I read it in a women’s magazine, it really impressed me: A beautiful woman was driven so insane by her wounding, philandering ex that she “awakened” to find herself on the fire escape of his building, peering into his bedroom and watching him have sex with his new woman. At this point, she “saw herself” from “outside” and realized (fill in this blank yourself) in time to save herself.
Taralev
I know I have not been posting for awhile. I am glad you are still standing strong. The advice is absolutely right. Don’t look at his facebook page. It’s done, all that is in the past. And he probably wants a reaction out of you. That’s why he posts that stuff. I did the same. Looked the little minions up on facebook and saw that he took them on cruises. I only hurt myself looking at it. It did not change anything , I inflicted pain on myself.
My son got a message the other day from my ex saying that his heart is broken because the son cut of all contact with him. In the same paragraph he blames the failure of the marriage on me. No mentioning if the cheating, the affairs, the nude pictures exchange. Now what should we make out of a message like that?
kaya- you are not the blame of the marriage..what a crazy sicko. I haven’t posted because I went to visit my good friend for the long weekend..i just am hurting so so badly seeing that he wrote these timelines and dates..i did send that email to her by the way. I had to have my peace..he created the facebook page AFTER I sent the email july 4th. I in a way think she forced him to do it. I don’t know
Tara, Of course it hurts; you were part of a relationship (whether he was or not) and it takes a lot to recover from the loss.
Perhaps you learned something – trying to be helpful or rational doesn’t work with him/her. It’s just a ping pong game to him; as long as you’ll volley anything to him/her, they will come back with something.
Well meaning people kept bringing up my ex P, what’s on his FB page, etc. for over a year after he left for good. I didn’t do this, but I’ve heard some people say they just politely ask folks not to continue when they bring up the ex.
It’s still so recent in your life, stuff like this will keep happening, but less so if you don’t contact him/her. All it meant to him was something like “Aha! She’s still thinking of me!” The content means nothing to him-his mind turns anything logical you say, explain, into the same jumbled word salad that he spews whenever he says anything. Nothing the spaths say and nothing the spaths hear has any meaning, except their cat and mouse games with others.
What kind of a beginning to his relationshit with Ms. New Thing is it if he was two timing you and her? She’s nothing special to him; he’s treating her just like he treats everyone.
If I had a dollar for every time I said to myself “who would buy a house with someone and bail 3 months later”, I would have most of the money back that I lost.
There is nothing rational about what they do, and nothing has any meaning to them except what serves them directly at any given moment. After that moment, even that is forgotten.
He’s wrote those dates in a effort to hurt you. He knows what he is doing if he really didn’t want you to see his timeline then surely he would block you. But he knows the stuff will get back to you one way or another.
You need to tell your friends to stop telling you about the stuff on his Facebook. Tell them you are trying to move forward with your life and while ever they are telling you this crap it’s stopping you from doing that.
People bent over backwards to gossip and tell me stuff after the break up & I would reply “I’m really not that interested anymore”
You will probably discover a lot more deceit, lies he’s told you and find out more about him now than you ever did during the relationship.
I came to the conclusion I really didn’t know my ex at all, but I do now.
I found out that much after we split, nothing I hear about him surprises me.
Even a song that he called “our song” was the same song he told to his ex’s. I did get to speak to two of his ex’s since we split and everything they told me, all this special stuff I thought we had together was exactly the same stuff he said to them. All the mind games, the things we did together, all of it he did and said before me.
The woman he is with now was the new victim he found just before we split up, and I discovered she shares the same name as me, and she even looks like me. I guess having the same name can help when lying and cheating through life, that way he won’t slip up and call her the wrong name which he often did with me.
I discovered he was still seeing his ex all throughout our relationship along with another two women.
Yet he slandered her constantly to me, said she was a alcoholic, she was a crazy mad woman. It was all lies told to me to make sure we never get to meet. He says the same things about me now. I couldn’t care less.
Wish I knew everything that I know now, It would have changed everything for me.
He is a parasite, and will always need women and constant drama around him because it makes him feel alive!
You will get there one day and realise that you never really knew him.
Also consider that if you don’t send an email, you don’t have to spend time thinking about whether she made him put the posts on FB, etc. He wants you to think about him, and he wants to play games with you.
Kaya, I am thrilled to “hear” from you and can totally relate to your question but of course you will not like the answer and won’t express it to your son, right?
Here is what the message really says:
I have an anti-social disorder that compels me to destroy not only my own relationships but the ones that others have, with themselves and others who are more sane than I am. Thus, I will do ANYTHING to corrupt your relationship with your mother. This will do more to disable you and bring you both down to my level, than anything more that I can do to her directly. So I’m calling, and can be counted on to do so, until you either tell me you’re going to court to stop it or until I find new victims that give me the same “payback” when I dump them after bonding.
I fervently wish that my kids either (a) understood the message or (b) would express to me the extent that they do. Instead the whole topic is Officially Off Limits! and if I raise the subject, the whole day is ruined, I get cut off as if I’d said they were gaining too much weight.
Thank you for coming back, kaya, I really missed your “voice.”
Perfect translation, and it’s exactly what my ex P did with everyone: his kids, his step kids, his first ex, etc. etc.
It was impossible to keep up with who wasn’t talking to whom in that family. I don’t think any of them realized who was causing all the fighting and chaos because the ex P pushed a few buttons with a few choice lying twisting words, and then sat back expending no effort at all, while everyone else destroyed themselves and each other.
Thank you guys for writing. I just am sickened..this had put me back in the frame of mind I was in. I cant believe he wrote he met her in October..months before he left. He just keeps twisting the knife deeper,..and doesn’t care.
Taralav, its all about control for him, no he does not care, whatever he can use to get at you he will use it. This is his way of getting at you – do not respond to any of his post, that’s what he wants.. DO NOT FEED IT!! if you need to, leave any social media sites where he knows you can see what he’s doing. I have left fb because this is his way of seeing what i’m doing or him wanting me to know what he’s doing. I think its best for you to go “incognito” if possible until you can get thru this phase. You must try to stay ahead of him, he’s going to try to do whatever he can to get at you.. don’t give him that power!!
I just am so hurt and decieted! I cant believe all this time all the years with him and this is what I got. He was cheating..and who knows how many other times he did. I am just so sick..i throw up..cry..pray to have strength
It’s been almost a month since I asked my husband to leave, I’m very proud to say that I have not allowed him back in. I have my moments when I feel somewhat down, but I pick myself up by doing something positive and not focusing on him. I don’t really think I miss him, but sometimes I feel as if I do and I ask myself WHY?. My friends tell me that I’m human and I may be missing some of the “fun” times we shared. He calls, but I don’t answer the phone or respond to text messages. He’s had to come by to pick up clothes and I made sure everything was packed and waiting at the door for him, I did not converse with him and I told him that I had somewhere to go, so get his belongings so I could leave. He was very cordial and pretending to be pleasant but I maintained “the blank stare” with no emotion from what he was saying. He has already picked his next victim from what I can understand from others. What scares me the most is that this person has no idea what she’s in for. His ex-wife and I have become friends and I have enlightened her on his disorder. She was blown away when I told her about this site and some of the materials I have read regarding his disorder. She now understands what was going on the 10 years she was married to him, her words were “it all makes sense now”… I told her that I did not see how she stayed with him that long, she said that she felt things were going to get better and when they didn’t she had to save herself and her children. Most people don’t understand who Sociopaths are, my husband has ruined allot of women lives and he does not care at all, it does not bother him, as long as he’s happy he feels that everyone else should be, I don’t think he’s ever thought or cared about the devastation his actions has caused so many. I’m trying to move forward with my life. I don’t see me getting married anymore, this was my second marriage and this has done it for me. I feel as though I can NEVER trust another man again with my heart. I don’t think I have the energy to try after going thru this. I would like to get a divorce as quickly as possible but he’s not willing to sign saying we have been apart 6 months. I know that this is only a ploy to stay on my health insurance as long as he possibly can and also to feel as if he’s still has control of me. I cannot dis-enroll him unless we are divorced or he’s enrolled in another plan 🙁 – I’m so very thankful that I found Love Fraud, it really helps to know that there are other people out there who are or has experienced what I’m dealing with now. I know the day will come for me to be fully happy again, I look forward to it.. for now its one day at a time toward that goal. I just ask myself will I ever get pass this, I pray that I will …
Lindsey,
I hope you are doing well today. You sound very strong and informed, and seem to be handling your husband exactly as other victims would advise. So good to hear that you are standing up for yourself.
Also, I’m glad you have an ally in his ex wife. Isn’t it amazing that she was with him and away from him for so long, and never knew about sociopathy? We all were the same way. Hopefully the world is becoming more aware of these disordered personalities and people can be better protected from their manipulations. They just seem to get out of things with no consequences. Ugh.
Now that you know, I hope you can stay in control and keep him from hurting you more!
Here’s hoping for better days ahead. Hugs
Thh-
Sounds like a real “serial” con artist. Did he tell you identity lies to seduce you. If he did, you may have a case of rape by fraud against him.
If you reach me on Facebook, Carnal Abue by Deceit, I can find the statutes in your state and let you know if you can file a complaint.
Joyce