UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Tara-
A part of his motivation is to establish his devotion in the eyes of his new victim. His facebook page is designed to do so.
Obviously, this jerk betrayed you badly, and it hurts to see the evidence of it before your eyes. I hope this serves to drive home what a complete creep he is. Your relationship was psycho-babble from a demented mind, it was not the devotion you thought it was.
Be aware that the tugging of your brain chemistry will keep you feeling low, while the “reality” side of your brain will enable yourself to distance from him. Whenever you start feeling the hurt and pain, remind yourself that you don’t want or need a chemical addiction to someone who was so deceitful. That thought will reinforce your ability to get your power and dignity back.
Wishing you the best-
Joyce
Joyce
Just me again- I thank you all for giving advice and writing. I am not looking anymore. The shock of what they wrote on the facebook page..he met her in October when we were together..we had all the holidays together with his family. He left the house feburary 1 due to argument because he didn’t have his rent money. Now I realize- he made that fight. He planned it. He was in a relationship with her 7 days later per his facebook.
I am so hurt..i feel im back to square one. Then he emails me yesterday saying yes he met her on October but ” wasn’t cheating”. Bullcrap. then he had the nerve to say I better not have gotten rid of things of his..things that were special to him. That he would come to get them. It has been 5 months. I am not giving anything to him. He is so mean and evil..i can not believe I was so stupid after 6 years…he decided he was bored of me. and started to make a new relationship. Just very very hurt..sad..having a terrible time coping.
You are processing so much pain and hurt right now; I am sure it is overwhelming. Your understanding is right that he created the argument – my ex P created arguments constantly for years to serve his evil purposes, and it took me forever to figure it out.
He is using his new woman just the way he uses everyone. Every lie he told you about her and every lie he tells her about you (and probably everything else in his life) is a lie against her, too. She is being duped. But that is not your problem; it is out of your control.
He is also harming his children by withholding you from them. He is using them and he doesn’t care about their well being, but again that is beyond your control, too, other than praying about the situation. Keep in mind that your ex’s choices are out of God’s control since God allows each person to make choices. God knows how evil and mean he is and God knows how much he has hurt you. God will bring justice for you when He knows the time is right (Romans 12:19). You don’t have to avenge.
I know it’s tempting to use his things against him at this time. Consider that is what he wants, though. He wants to continue to dangle you and get your attention and interact with you and harm you more by using his stuff. By telling you he doesn’t want you to harm his things he is putting the idea in your head to do so. He is still trying to be your puppet master.
You’ve suffered a great loss and it’s tempting to hang on to interacting with him, but I think you will feel better sooner if you stop reading his emails. I think you will feel better in a way now and in the long run if you break all ties with him and don’t have any reason to read his emails nor contact him. Consider solving the problem of his stuff as soon as you are up to it. It will be painful to do, but you could gather all his stuff up, pack it carefully in boxes or have someone do this for you, and take it to someone’s house who is neutral. Have someone else take it there if you can, or have someone come with you. If you don’t tell him or anyone else before you do this, he won’t be able to do things to get in the way of your plans or get an audience with you so he can hurt you more. Protecting yourself from him at this time is taking good care of yourself. I’ve also heard of folks who put their ex’s things in a Storage Facility, pay the first month’s rent, have the future bills sent to the ex, and THEN tell the ex where his stuff is. This avoids contact of any kind, which is the goal.
If you keep his things, he will continue to engage you and nothing good will come of it. He will harm you because that is the result of his crazy games and his underlying motivations.
Keep up the good work. You are doing so well.
Also it would be a good idea to have a witness or take photos of his things that you take to him. Otherwise he may claim that something was broken or missing, and he may try to exploit you for money in small claims court or try to continue harassing contact with you. Keep in mind you are dealing with a liar.
The law in most states requires you to make reasonable arrangements for his things. Even though it seems like you should have the right to keep or smash all his stuff because he left you and left his stuff there, it’s against the law in most states. Consider that it would not be good for you if he came over to your home to pick up his stuff; and you can avoid this if you take it somewhere before he gets around to wanting to come and get it.
After you solve the problem of his things, you won’t have any reason to have contact with him ever, which is very painful, I know, but it is the only path to your freedom and recovery.
AnnettePK, everything you’ve said here is right on spot. In my opinion, taralav’s ex is pulling out the subject of his things at her place (again) in an effort to turn up the heat and keep her engaged with him and to mess with her mind. It’s working. He knows her well and I have no doubt he could script pretty closely her exact reaction and feelings. Things have been calm for a little while, so he is probably bored and needed to turn up the heat.
He has effectively put her on notice more than once now that his things are of value to him and he expects to get them back – this is a setup and will come back to bite her if she doesn’t get a grip and handle this efficiently and effectively.
I know because I’ve been through it. I have written here about how, on my attorney’s advice I moved my ex’s belongings to a storage unit, paid for a month and gave my attorney the key, and that I took extensive photos of everything, both before loading and when they were in the storage unit. What I’m not sure I wrote is that this happened after several months of my ex talking (through the attorneys) about coming to get his things. Starting with “directing” me to assemble it, get several quotes from movers for his review and then arranging for shipping to him. When that was rejected, he scheduled several times to come and get his things, and never showed. I had all of the stuff in a central location in the garage and marked, and made arrangements with others to be there to supervise so I could be away. After this cluster##k a few times, my attorney finally suggested the storage unit and it worked like a charm, since the ex had no desire to pay an additional months rent. You can bet with each go around on this, I was upset, stressed, frantic. His tactics worked.
He specifically required me to return “his” computer, a very expensive one that he had purchased and surprised me with as a gift. It was the only computer I had and I flipped. My attorney wisely asked me if I really wanted to make an issue of it. I packed it up in it’s original box and rented a storage unit with air conditioning to protect it in case it sat there for months.
To all appearances, I handled this situation like a professional and an adult, and it went off without a hitch. It has been two years since the stuff was picked up and there was no mention of anything from him. I have no doubt that he left half or more of the stuff in the trash or even didn’t bother to move it out of the storage unit, since it was mostly junk and of no value. Doesn’t matter. It was his stuff, and I knew that if he didn’t get it all back, he would sue me or continue to bother me.
Throughout this process, he repeatedly said (through the attorneys) that he had no wish to bother me, or trouble me, or upset me while getting his things back. Lies.
Because I have walked this road, I can speak with authority on this. It was almost a year after the discard that he finally came and got his things. The five months taralav’s ex’s things have been in her place are nothing. This WILL continue to be an issue and will escalate.
In my case, after the discard, I left his things in place for the first few months, because I expected that things would blow over and he’d be back. At some point, it became painful to me and I boxed them all up and put them in a corner of the garage. I am being brutally honest when I say, that even after I went NC and recognized the extent of the harm he had caused me and began the long and painful process of recovery, in some small corner of my brain, I got comfort from knowing his things were still with me, because I needed that connection. It makes me sick to say that, but it is the truth.
I am proud to say that by the time he retrieved the stuff from the storage unit, it no longer had any hold on me. The sooner taralav gets that stuff out of her home, the better. It is not hers, and it is hurting her. He will use it as a weapon as long as she allows it.
Also to her comment that he planned the fight so he could leave, of course! Mine did the same. In a short three day visit to our dream home, with the ink barely dry on the escrow papers, he made a huge show of his caring and commitment to me, our relationship and our future together (even speaking of a vacation home we would be buying together in a few years and talking about improvements to the new house) and then engineered a blow up over nothing that he skillfully turned around on me, leading up to him telling me I was unstable, abusive and he could not continue to take the abuse. That I had destroyed HIS dreams by becoming a b###h as soon as I had gotten him to “sign on the dotted line”. I didn’t know at the time that he had already moved on to his next victim(s), while I had been setting up our home for him.
Yeah, I’ve walked this road.
I didn’t have Lovefraud at the time, and white knuckled this process alone. I felt like I was going insane, and sometimes, I’m sure I acted like I was. Thankfully, I was alone on a big piece of property and the neighbors couldn’t hear me keening.
Taralav reminds me so much of myself and it tears me up. There is no way around what she is feeling, but she can help herself to recovery by cutting off anything that comes from his direction in any form. Reading, looking, hanging onto his things (even if we say he doesn’t deserve them back) is just another way of staying connected and hanging on. I know it, because I did it, and I would have denied it at the time. Until you really let go, you have no idea how much it was destroying you.
All the experts say these monsters do not change, they have been, and will be the same with everyone they are with. I believe it. Looking at information or photos that make us think it might be otherwise is insanity.
Thank you so much for sharing this in detail and for sharing your insights. It is very helpful to me in understanding my experiences including the 2+ year BS interactions that I engaged in about my ex P’s stuff. The way you handled your situation is an inspiration and a good example. I participated in some ugly scenes…. I had some sound advice but it took awhile before I really heard it.
I understand totally about you feeling comfort from having his stuff around still. That is normal and perfectly appropriate. I was widowed almost 20 years ago from my first normal wonderful husband and I still get meaning and comfort from the material possessions he left me. Our natural feelings are appropriate in interactions with normal people. The spaths twist everything around to destroy anything good.
As far as your ex accusing you of being a b**ch after signing on the dotted line, talk about projection!!!!
Hanlei- yes you are right..he is doing all this stuff to me. I too kept everything as it was for months. Waiting..assuming maybe he would realize he made a mistake ( this was before I caught him cheating). We had a beautiful basement which had a sign that said “mancave” it was all sports and cool guy stuff. I took everything down about 2 months ago.
I cried thru it all..my friend came and helped me clear out the childrens room..i sold end tables and lamps..it was very hard. Now..he is trying to get odd and ends things. Truthfully..after what he has put me thru im giving nothing. I am clearing it out trashing it all. I am not his storage unit . He has not given me a penny and has been out since feb 1- although was coming home until April when he got caught.
All of a sudden he wants to worry about his personal items. Too bad..he has no proof of anything in the house..and after 5 months I have every right to get rid of it all. Ive asked him to pick his things up if he wasn’t coming home. He held me on a string.
Tara,
You can trash his stuff, but you may end up regretting it. Even if you don’t feel like it now, consider if you can take the high road and box it up and send it back to him. You did such a great job going no contact and not violating the ridiculous order he put on you. Trashing his stuff could get you in legal trouble if you wanted to pursue it. Sure it would be great if you could trash it and enjoy the bonfire, but it could cost you in the long run.
It’s totally normal to want to toss his things, but he’s capitalizing on your normal responses. He would probably love it if you trashed his stuff, just more ammunition to tell people you’re mean and crazy.
If you can find it in yourself to box it up and get it to somewhere neutral he can pick up, you’ll be better off in the long run. Beat up on a photo of him. Of course he doesn’t deserve his things back, but you deserve to be a good person despite him.
Thank you Annette you are a wonderful advice giver and I consider you all my friends. I am backsliding..i really am becoming the crazy person he wants me to be.
It’s a lot easier to give sound advice than it is to do it! I think you are doing great. I did everything wrong for YEARS, and paid the price. I wish I’d taken what little good advice I got….
It’s good to have you as a friend here.
HopingToHeal, it sounds like you have a handle on it. I’m not sure how I could have handled it if I had to maintain contact.
The fact that you know it is all bs and manipulations gives you the ability to keep it in perspective and I can imagine it’s exhausting and upsetting.
You may have to put up with some of this until you are officially divorced. You are about at the point where conversations regarding your daughter can come to an end.
My approach was to do what I needed to do to keep him from actively coming after me, even if it went against my grain, or let him think he was “winning”. It worked for me.
Think of it as your mind becoming free one day at a time.
Thank you Hanalei.
Freedom, one day at a time. That’s an awesome thought!
thank you annnette- I am really trying to read all the stuff my friends on here write. He is hurting me more then anything by not letting me see this kids. He has neglected his one son completely because he is busy with his new supply.
He is obsessed it seems like. How could he tell her he loves her..now I find out they have been DATING since feb 7..it makes me sick..so so sick. He has been with her and coming home to me up thru april. I wish I could let this go. I should see that he is a devil..but I am holding on to the love I had for him and the family I always wanted with him
It is a violation of all that is true, sacred, right.
Your feelings are normal, you can’t just turn off 6 years of commitment, love, hope, togetherness, on a dime. The truth will sink in gradually, and it is a painful process. Be gentle with yourself. You can gently remind yourself of the truth about him, and remind yourself that he is dead to you. It is like a death.
Also, it helps to remember there are others in the world who have bigger problems and sadder stories. There are a lot of folks who would trade places and problems with any of us in a heartbeat. Consider making a list of things you are grateful for at this time in your life. It will give your mind a rest and maybe cheer you.
I doubt anyone would want to change places with someone who is being tortured. Becuz it is mental, it can go on for decades b4 causing death due to psychosomatic breakdown, but it will kill you even.
Not having food to eat is a horrible thing. Getting beat daily is too.
Being forced into prostitution is hellish, so is being raped by deceit.
Watching your mother get tortured…well just ask your own children what thats like.
Having to lie daily; ppl all over the 3rd world do this. So do we, who are in disordered partnerings.
Being forced to deliver drugs to put food on the table in a destroyed economy, dads do this when they have to. Having to endure thru a facade of a man, a shell of a person, sharing your name and children; women think they have to do this too to keep food on the table and a roof over their family’s head.
Never minimize what the disordered person does. They deserve a painful death.
AnnettePK
Good advice! He is dead to me, I think I can get my head into that space!
I also agree with people suffering far worse problems than mine so I’ll focus on my future which is a shining light of new possibilities x
Taralav,
I’m glad you’ve decided to quit looking. The continuing hurtful act can’t affect you if you don’t see them. Now slowly, you will begin to feel better.
His actions with the other woman are not about him caring for her. It’s about him filling his dark vacuum of a soul with whatever drama he can grasp. Mine has been telling me for weeks that he is in love with someone else. A statement that I ignored. Now, suddenly, he’s not seeing her as much. Hmmmm. The truth is, he can’t love and was never in love. He was just enjoying the drama and excitement of a new relationship. Obviously that feeling has faded so he is off to greener pastures. He’s no longer “in love” with her.
No normal person can do what you, or my, Spath did. You can’t be in love with someone new after just spending intimate time with another. It’s absurd and SICK. They are demented. No real love exist inside of them. They planned on leaving long before we knew of the real problems.
You are doing so much better. Unfortunately, just when we feel a little better, something else intrudes our minds and knocks us back a bit. It’s the sad stinking road of recovery from a Spath. Never a straight path. Lots of detours. But the best way through is for us to be in control of our own journey as much as possible. Since you are NC mostly and you’ve stopped looking for things, you are controlling the way he hurts you now, not him. If he has no way to reach you then he can’t assault you any longer.
I hope you can reflect on the good moments you enjoyed this weekend. Maybe you can draw yourself back to a more peaceful place. I’m praying for a better day and week for you.
Taralev
Of course he planned his departure for a long time. He planned it accordingly to his wishes. Like my ex, I found out through the computer spyware that he looked and searched for appartments about 3-5 months before he actually left. He also needed “cash” for himself and saved up some money. A few days before I was discarded he changed all bank accounts and direct deposits. They plan it for months , maybe years. They are just waiting for the right moment so they can blame and accuse. Well, I had to leave you because you are crazy.
I truly believe that the only way I maintained my sanity was the no contact. You cannot let him back into your life , not through facebook and not through him getting his things.
I noticed that when my ex occasionally writes stupid jabber to my son , it does not bother me anymore. It used to make me upset. Now, it’s like “who cares”. He claims his heart is broken. Blah blah, it’s getting old.
Taralev please stay strong and keep the no contact. Praying for you.
Hoping
Why do you have to have contact with him? I have a college age son and we cut off all contact because I don’t wAnt to be a part of his sick games anymore.
My ex stopped paying the house payment and there was nothing the court can do. The divorce judge’s words were “I am a divorce judge I am not here to save houses. ” I sold the house so he was no longer able to play “control ” with paying the mortgage or not. Maybe it’s different in your case. Do you have minor children?
I recovered from his daily insults which he texted or emailed me. He has no way to get a reaction out of me.
Remember that a person who walks away from his family does not have the privilege or right to return to this family. This came from my counsellor. I agree with her.
Kaya48,
I agree also. I’m glad you chimed in because I admire what you’ve achieved so much! Did you get the house in the divorce? And then he stopped paying?
Taralev
I agree with you. If has no proof of his items and you were not married, it would be difficult for him to sue you. There is equitable distribution so I would not worry about his things. Even if you trash them how is hd going to prove that he owned them?
I sold everything after I was discarded. I had to survive somehow while he was on cruises and wAsting marital assets. So the court looks at a lot of things. And if you are not married I would think that those items belong to you since you are in possession of them. But of course I could be wrong.
I just would not answer him. If you ignore the devil he will flee. It worked in my case.
Yes- I checked they are basically considered abandoned property. He refused to come back to get them. I am renting out the finished basement of the townhouse to a young girl august 1..so I have a lot of work to do. This will help me cover my bills and she is really nice.
Kaya- I feel I am getting worse. Knowing for sure and proof he met her in October..when we had all our holidays together..knowing he was in a relationship 7 days after he “left to have space at his moms” this stuff is not right. It is killing me.He was cheating on her!! If they were together feb 7 he was coming home up until April..i just feel worse..i feel like I am just back at square one 🙁
Tara,
It is normal when you have suffered a loss and horrible betrayal as you have to cycle through the most awful feelings for a long time. It will take time to get over it. I admire you for continuing to work. I neglected my work and my son, I am so sorry now that I did that, and just kind of sat around accomplishing next to nothing for the better part of a year besides working through my grief. It takes time for the horror of it to sink in, and to go through feeling disbelief, anger, grief, and eventually acceptance. Allowing yourself to feel what you feel, and talking about it with folks who understand and care will help you feel better sooner, but there is no way out of the pain except through it.
Do you have something planned to do when you feel really overwhelmed? like take a walk, call a friend, come here to this group, breathe deeply, focus on some housework taks like empty the dishwasher or clean the bathroom, whatever works for you?
About his things…good you were responsible and checked into any possible legal consequences. You’re doing good things for yourself in moving on in your life, like renting out your basement.
I still have this feeling that because of your ex spath’s focus on his things that he will use the situation against you. They will turn anything against us. Yes, he deserves to be shot, much less deserves to forfeit his stuff, but care about your well being, not his. I think it will be better for you if you get it all back to him. It’s just giving him what he wants if you don’t.
In my case, we weren’t married and there was no proof that he had things at my house. I am sure another woman would have destroyed them without a second thought.
But in my case, I had an appropriate fear of what he would do if I failed to comply with his demands. The “punishment” might have taken any form – up to and including legal action that had no basis whatsoever, but would have cost me additional attorney’s fees and personal pain to fight.
I made the decision to be compliant in order to mitigate the damage to myself. In my case, we had a shared piece of property that I very badly needed the proceeds of the sale from to continue with my life (which ended up being pennies after all), and my attorney warned me that if I fought him on any of these points, he could refuse to sign the escrow papers, or refuse to agree to the split of the proceeds, in which case they would be tied up in court and eaten up by attorney’s fees. I chose to give the illusion of resignation in order to protect myself.
I believe these men are capable of anything, including things we can’t anticipate or dream up in our wildest dreams. In my case, I was unwilling to risk what might happen if I tried to be a dick and exercise what would have certainly ended up being some very weak power.
There is no winning with these people, period.
Hoping,
Your situation sounds extremely challenging. Your ex spath has reputation and power in the world It sounds like he’s intelligent enough to read you well and exercise his evil power/control. You have a big family together and the possibilities for him to manipulate and game play are pretty endless. Given the family, no contact will always be extremely difficult – there will be weddings and births and baptisms and birthdays and holidays forever; which is wonderful but a challenge to avoid him. No matter what he is and does, they are his family, too, and he will use that fact.
I’m probably not the best person to advise you because I was never strong enough to deal with my ex Psychopath. He always got to me. I had to go no contact, because I was never successful to completely do grey rock. I always ended up blurting something out. My blood pressure went up just reading about your ex closing conversations with you with “I love you sweetie!” Makes me want to wring his neck and hollar “Love is an action, you !@.......#$#%^!!!!!” Which would just amuse him, but I can’t seem to overcome myself. And using religion, he sounds like such a #^%#@.......#$%$. Really hits me close to home and pisses me off on your behalf, you having to put up with it.
He sounds a lot like my ex P, who was still playing games with his first ex wife (and children and everyone else he could exploit), tons of triangulation, while he was dating me, when we were ‘married,’ separated, etc, and during all this she had already moved on and married someone else.
I understand your problem of being between a rock and a hard place where if you stop talking to him during his daily controlling phone calls, he punishes you by using whatever BS control he has over whatever he can to create problems for you.
Your situation is complex with a lot of variables. Here’s what comes to my mind, for what it’s worth. You may be doing these already. It sounds like you are managing the situation, him,and your own feelings and responses very well. (Doesn’t it suck to be in a situation where we have to ‘manage’ the person who is supposed to be our provider, protector, and best friend?)
I find it helpful to organize my thoughts to brainstorm. Make a list of what you want changed. Include unrealistic things (I wish he’d disappear from the face of the earth) and realistic things (I don’t want to have to talk to him every day on the phone.) In your case, I am guessing things like you want the financial issues to be settled in stone so he can’t game play with money, you want no contact, maybe you want him to stay away from certain people so he can’t bad mouth you to them and screw up those relationships, etc.
Listing things out can help you prioritize goals, and think of what steps to take to go about getting what you want. Some things you may want to talk to your attorney about. Some things all one can do is pray about.
Do you have the best attorney possible? Is s/he aware of everything you want accomplished and does s/he use every possible legal solution to help you? With a separation agreement in place, why does it matter if he moves money around? It would be good if all issues were in the agreement. Are there issues that are not dealt with that he can still use for controlling games, like how much he contributes to your daughters’ education?
One thing that worked for me was to find an excuse and make it very believable to avoid contact with my ex Psychopath. Can you take a volunteer job or a paying job when he usually calls so he can talk to your daughter but you’re out busy. Or take care of your sick relative, or be out walking the dog? Whatever he would believe as a real conflict that you have no control over. Making excuses does mean strategizing, which takes energy.
You can also consider what is the worst thing that could happen if you just stop taking his calls and stop having contact, except through the attorneys, and decide to accept the losses in exchange for peace of mind. Spaths have a way of controlling us with subtle hints and nuances of things that will happen if we don’t do what they want us to do. Sometimes it’s not as bad. You could tell him something polite sounding with no emotion whatsoever, like, “You know, even though it’s nice to hear from you, our conversations aren’t appropriate now that we’re separated, I think you and I will be able to move on better if we go our separate ways.” or whatever fits in your situation. And then stop talking to him. If he tries to suck you in, invoke reality with something like, “It sounds like you’re hinting we’re going to get back together.” You don’t have to add more, just leave silence he’ll have to fill. If he says more vague BS, just maintain silence. Reality is that if he wants to get back together, he would ask you if you’re willing, and offer to remedy the BS he’s done to enhance your well being, and then accept your yes or no answer. Spath’s don’t do that.
There is a lot of info on the web about how to break up with a spath and how to deal with them in the aftermath of a relationship, that might help you. There are books on the subject too. You probably won’t find a complete answer/solution but you might get some ideas that will help you.
Sorry this is so long. Maybe there is something in here that will spark some ideas for you.
Annette,
When I read your post, I bust into tears. I guess I just hold on and push through so much, and your empathy just hit me hard. I realize, man, this is so tough. I feel like every moment is a battle. I’m exhausted.
You offered great ideas. I do need a list because I defeat myself by thinking about everything at once. My focus right now is college and a peaceful summer for my daughter. She’s strong, but no child deserves this from their dad. Her last few days of regular home life need to be as joyful as possible.
Thank goodness, we talk less and less. That’s good and bad. The longer we go without talking, the stronger I grow. However, the more we are apart, the less I am able to recognize the games. It’s a double edged sword.
I guess the worse part is that up until recently, as hard as I tried to force it not to be, I still held onto some hope that I was wrong about him. As you know, giving a Spath the benefit of the doubt is the worst thing we can do. Give an inch and he will take a mile. I’m wiser now, but still fighting to get my footing.
Thank you for your suggestions. I’ll read them over and over.:)
Hopingtoheal
Please add this to your list, “I’m important too!”
I learnt very early in my children’s lives that if I didn’t thrive then my kids didn’t thrive. If I had lost control of my situation or emotions then they would follow me into the hole and everything would spiral out of control.
I’m 50 now and wiser than I’ve ever been. The first half of my life, I was a bull***t magnet but the next half WILL be different!
If anyone makes me feel bad on any level they are eliminated! My spath becomes my solicitors problem on Sunday after I move out! He has superannuation lotto because of his job but I’ve said to my solicitor that I don’t care if you use the entire amount fighting him, just don’t tell me what an ass**** he is being just say “sign here!” My solicitor has had quite a few dealings with spaths so she laughed but completely understands my need to move on and treat the finality of it as a process – she thinks I’m dealing with it the right way and wished other women would do the same – if it doesn’t feel good then get it out of your space!
Best of luck x
All of have experienced situations that just should not be. It’s part of the evil in the world now, and I hold on to my faith that better times are coming for humanity. Spaths destroy everything good, and then twist things around to make it appear it’s someone else’s fault. The pain and stress is unbelievable. It’s natural for a positive good natured person to hope for him to come to his senses and keep the commitments he made. In the 19th century sociopathy was called ‘moral insanity’ which I think is an accurate description. Part of the problem for victims is that in this era it is not widely considered immoral for a man (or woman) to cheat or just pick up and leave his family. People are conditioned to be nonjudgmental to a fault.
So good that you are making your daughter’s life as joyful as possible and protecting her. My biggest regret is failing my son, which I really did. I have asked his forgiveness and he’s forgiven me, but I could have protected him from a lot of it and I didn’t do so. In your case, it makes sense not to rock the boat until your daughter is settled in at school.
hi…I have been doing great for awhile and then something triggered the thoughts and anger….I guess I forgot to have no contact with my mind even….It is summer and I am challenged by all the special places I go to ride my horse in the mountains…I don’t want to feel him there…or feel alone…I don’t know….I am feeling angry….at all of it and it has been 10 months since I last saw him…last response was Dec 7…..all of a sudden I get so upset ….I texted him in the night…same stuff….ugggg….and then he texts me yesterday….”just want to clear up something….the only thing I was addicted to is you …and I don’t think it was a bad thing…I always will love you”….ugggg such BS!!!! I am so mad I did that…I think I just need to let myself be angry….I can’t get him out of my person….I know it is toxic….I want to heal….
help!
grace,
Wow, 10 months….that’s awesome! Please don’t beat yourself up for behaving the way a normal person does when they are hurting and missing a loved one. You miss him and you reached out. But you are not back at scare one. You are just as strong as you were before you texted him.
You may want to look at this as an opportunity to grow even stronger. If you can take this event and overcome the love chemicals that he brought out, resist him and go back to NC, then you will have moved even closer to recovery.
And yes, his words are bs. The drama of “I’ll always love you”……… I can hear the music playing in the background as he turns toward the sunset and strolls away.
You are telling yourself the right words- toxic, bs, angry…..but Heal! Please don’t let your mind consider him. You might do well to think back over the initial pain and how long it took you to get where you are. You have made so much progress.
Let go and look forward, not back.
I’m sorry it hurts so bad. Hugs
thank you….I am reminded of the truth of it all….the con…the counterfeit love………I see how isolated I was getting …no one I felt I could share with and say…hey…I am having so many thoughts about him…I cannot go anywhere that there is not a memory or a missing him…wishing it was different…wishing I could have the good parts…(knowing they were not real is so hard to comprehend)…I find myself barely able to find a place to go ride …cause I shared all my special spots with him….I feel more alone in those places…miss the laughter and fun…he made me laugh…hard…
for a few weeks recently… I was trying to drown out the feelings …I tried wine…NOT GOOD!!!! DUMB!! ….Some strength rises up in me and says…”Really?…are you going to give him that kind of power over you?…And then…try to give alcohol that power over you!!!! NO! Nothing and no one is worth that….” So starting over…I worked out …and will try again tomorrow to work out as I have neglected taking care of my body…..there is so much that brings joy…new grandbaby girl…for one!!! what comes after anger when we grieve?….
Grace
My friends really thought I was the crazy one. My spath was so doting to me in front of them, so controlled and never drank too much, unlike me who liked to party with the girls, little did I know that his partying with the girls was on a different level and never in front of me or my friends – they all wish they’d listened to me now because they realise we were all conned!
As off next Monday I’m a free woman and I intend to make some awesome memories of my own, find new and exciting places and people and live my life completely different, I wish you this same opportunity x
Comic Relief for the mature ladies among us:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4QzHeUE-CM
My lifelong best friend sent it to me.
Why do I need to know my ex is definitely a spath. I need to know its like I want him to be evaluated so I know I’m not the nutty one. He was with me still feb up until April. .yet his social network says in a relationship as.of feb.7. February 7. We were still sleeping together I had no idea about this girl. When I asked him what in the heck he left for he said he just didn’t want to be with me. Yet he was looking not homes in January. He was making appointment to start.a ring. Im backsliding. Im crying I just can’t process it and I don’t know why
Taralav
OMG its crazy isn’t it! I’ve done the same thing for years. I was always questioning my instincts, I wanted a forensic psychologist to confirm my suspicions but they would never say it was absolute because they weren’t talking to him – I found my validation by just saying he was, eventually the universe came up with enough evidence to prove it has always been that way. Hang in there because one day you will just know without any question or doubt.
Hi Tara,
I think you can’t process it, because it is overwhelmingly awful and you are a kind and sensitive person. What he did to you should not happen, but there are sadly many horrors that happen in this world.
It’s ok to cry and let it out, but can you visualize feeling a bit better afterwards? Do you understand that you will feel better?
I think you’ve been feeling bad for a while this afternoon and evening. Is there someone nearby you can call to hang out with? If you really feel like you can’t cope, you can call 911 or you can go to the ER. Are you still taking anti depressants? Sometimes they don’t work right and need to be adjusted.
If you need help, call a friend, call 911, go to the ER and tell them that you are having trouble coping with your feelings. Don’t contact the ex. He will not help you.
Glad you shared how you’re feeling here.
Take care of yourself. Keep up the good work you’ve been doing.
PS Just in case you don’t feel a bit better soon, here is a Nationwide Crisis Hotline you can call to talk to someone. 1-800-273-TALK (8255) They are trained to help you and connect you to resources to help folks.
Keep us posted.
PPS: I’d bet my life just about that you’re not nuts. Your ex is a spath, and it doesn’t really matter what his diagnosis/label is. He’s not good for you, and your well being matters. Nobody can be in your life unless they have your best interest at heart. That’s the rule.
Annette- yes I am still taking Prozac..i also take Xanax. I am going to go again back to my doctor. I think certain things trigger it. Seeing that for a fact he was with her in feb..and with me I think pushed me over the edge. him creating a social network page and having her all over it. It makes me sick.
I don’t want to go to a ER. they treat people as if they are crazy and put you in the mental ward. I am not crazy..i am not extremely hurt and betrayed. I wake up every morning and pray for a half hour..then I cry..puke..and get ready for work . I look terrible. I really try..i really am trying.
I just want answers..and he blames me. He says he dealt with so much and everything he lied I flew off the handle. I can take accountability for that. I did..i couldn’t handle it. But the lies were nonstop
I’m glad to hear you are coping ok and not going off the deep end. I can quit worrying about that.
You’re right, you’re not crazy. You’re going through the worst of it.
It’s a no win endeavor to try to understand him or to have a rational understanding of his choices. It is universal that there is no normal closure at the end of a spath breakup. You are seeking the normal understanding and the normal conversations that would happen when a normal relationship breaks up. I lived with a guy back when I was 18-19, we were planning a future. He learned some new information about a woman he’d been in a relationship with previously. He explained it to me and broke up with me. He felt bad for me. Years later we corresponded briefly, and he reiterated that I meant a lot to him. It sucked,I actually got sick to my stomach at first, and I was devastated but I could understand it and move on. We had some contact for awhile after the breakup, although I moved back to the US from where we were together overseas. It was sad but peaceful because he was basically honest and acted in good faith based on his understanding. In retrospect, I wish we hadn’t lived together without the commitment of marriage, but I didn’t see the importance of that at the time.
Not having closure is what keeps us hooked, going round and round. The spaths were never really in a relationship and they never really get out of it. They act in ways that keep us hooked forever, if we allow contact. My ex P was trolling for his remarried exwife while we were married and after we separated. Right now, he is testing the waters with me, also messing with the head of some poor woman who just got out of a 25 year marriage with a serial cheater and abuser, and doing porn at home on the side. Years out, I thought I was no contact, and this woman comes up to me at a church campout a couple of weeks ago (she and the ex p attend another congregation in a different part of the state but in the same denomination as my church) and telling me off according to lies the ex P had told her about me. (Maybe I should be flattered he is still thinking and talking to others about me? I haven’t been giving him much thought lately) Sadly, I responded by arguing with her, but it turned out alright. She more or less believed me when I filled in the gaps and corrected the lies in his story, and she started telling me about her abusive ex and burst into tears and we ended up hugging.. but the whole thing kind of ruined my weekend and reactivated my PTSD for the next week I was messed up. I understand why his first ex wife moved across the country away from him.
The point is that no contact with anyone and anything to do with the spaths because they do not ever really move on – they are always willing to pick up messing with a victim when they’re bored or it suits their purpose or whatever, who knows.
I would move cross continent if the spath had not. It is sooooo nice to not have any way for him to spur of the moment do crap.
He does have ppl watching us, casually. But it’s a helluva lot harder on him than if we were in the same time zone even!
Nothing is worth a spath. Dream job or career, extended family, best church, beautiful home. Nothing. Getting away from him is paramount.