UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei moon
It sounds like you are in good place also. I lost the family home, it was my dream home. He was not satisfied until this house was sold. Since he would not let me have it the court ordered it to be sold. What he did not realize is that onhis path of his destruction he hurt his only child also.
In renting a home also and hope to buy one again some day. There are plent beautiful homes out there. At first I was sad about the loss of my home but in return I gained a lot. I am able to breathe again. And nobody tells me “I am a crazy b…..”.
I feel for the people going through those initial stages of discard. I honestly thought it was the end of the world.
Instead it was the greatest gift he could ever make to me. He set me free from his abuse and crazy making. But it takes a while to realize that. And once you do and accept it, it’s actually a good thing.
To kaya48 and HanaleiMoon,
I am reading your posts to each other and wishing I had them to read back when I was going through my divorce. There are others here who have recently entered the twilight zone, where nothing makes sense. When it’s all drama, and enormous stress and upset, and the discoveries about the betrayals never seems to end, it seems intuitive that if we could only restore our relationship, get rid of the vultures looking to pick our bones, then the drama would stop. Only… because you, me, we, were involved with a sociopath, that’s not true.
I USED to think the reason we had upset was because of me. That I was yelling and crying caused all the drama, that there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe hormones, or that somehow I was “LIKE THEM” (my birth family) afterall, irrational and blaming and self centered. It was ALL high drama and enormous emotional pain.
It wasn’t until my divorce was final that I came to realize the drama wasn’t me at all. I had never been that way, so why be surprised that once he couldn’t pull any more carp, my life settled down, and wow, my home became such a place of peace.
Kaya48 says it felt like the end of the world. And I did too. I tried to fight it, tried to restore balance. But I wasn’t the crazy one. HE was crazy making! And when he was gone, the crazy went away. (I am sorry Kaya48, because I know he didn’t care that he hurt his only child. For him, HE is the only one who matters, no conscience/noguilt/no remorse.)
And like both of you, it was hell, but turns out, being discarded by a sociopath is actually a gift. My life is FULL of possibilities now, and that could NEVER have happened when I was married to a sociopath.
Great exchange, it shows others where the light of the tunnels starts to really improve our lives. Bless you. Bless all of you on here. You don’t know how much I’ve needed to read your words. I am divorced now and what you write is so validating and healing for me.
Or should I say, BLESS You, because ONLY you all know how much I needed to read your words.
I have wondered about this too, am I a disordered person myself?? No, I am not. I would not care nor hurt the way I do. My reactions would not be word for word the reactions of the other hurting women on here, who have been assaulted by a spath or NPD/BPD or watever.
99% of what came out of the narc’s mouth was *PROJECTION*…remember that. Wen u fought his dictates, YOU were the evil destructor, wrecking his universe. Which, btw, consists of HIM and HIS feelings. NO One Else. Including his own children.
So wen u were made to feel not 100%, he was feeling the glass cracking and threatening to shatter around his universe of “ME”. Im sure its terrifying. I hope the several i have known in my life suffocate by the shards of glass piercing their lungs from their own crystal sanctuary. In the end, they WILL crack and will shatter. And the spaths will be sorry. So sorry, but for naught.
And i’ll still be human. And have peace 🙂
Kaya and NotWhatHeSaid, today marks an anniversary for me. It was three years ago today that I woke up for the last time in my little house, closed the door behind me and drove 700 miles to a new town, a new life. The next morning I signed the escrow papers for our new house (he wasn’t even there – he had given me power of attorney to sign for him so he could be at work – I see this now as an omen that he wasn’t really “in”). I can’t name a time in my life where I have ever been so happy, excited and full of life.
A plan we had been hatching for years was now reality! We had finally found the perfect house that had everything we each wanted and there was nothing but blue skies ahead. I had taken an early retirement from my professional career when I was in my peak earning years, sold a home that was within 5 years of being paid for and sunk all my savings into the down payment of the new house. It was the first time I had ever done anything financial with another person in my life, including in my marriage. That is how much I trusted him, and us, in spite of the craziness. That is testimony to how completely he had control over me.
He had risked nothing…had not quit his job (why quit when he was still living there and waiting for his house to sell), not left familiar surroundings, and had invested little of his savings (of course it was all tied up and difficult to access). He didn’t lift a finger to help me move. Things started falling apart almost immediately; from an instant shift in his attitude toward me, one crazymaking shitstorm of a visit that left me reeling, and endless criticizing before he discarded me and the whole shebang less than 3 months later, all the while squawking that it was MY fault.
I was paralyzed with fear, heartbreak and sheer panic. I thought I was going crazy, but I wasn’t. I thought I was going bankrupt, but I didn’t. I thought I was all alone…and I was. People jumped ship out of my life, sometimes cruelly. Today, there isn’t one person in my life from “before”, except for one person I had lost touch with who came back in at some point and has been an angel to me. I found an unfulfilling job that allowed me to keep my head above water and prepared in case he stopped sending his fair share of the expenses (which he eventually did). I sold things that were dear to me when necessary for extra cash. I tightened my belt and then I tightened it more. It seemed like nothing went smoothly, whatever could go wrong, did go wrong.
But I know I was blessed. There was lots more that could have gone wrong. I could not have been the strong and resilient person I was, and I could have folded. I could have lost much more. I was broken, and it took everything I had, but I did it, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. I found help. A therapist. This place. Books.
One time a man was trimming trees next door. We started talking and I asked him how much to cut a big branch for me and he said $40. I said ok. He asked fro $20 ahead because he had not been paid by the neighbors yet and hesitantly, I gave it to him, with a promise that he’d do my branch within the week. He never did, and he left the debris from the neighbors yard in my yard. In my old life I had thought nothing of dropping $20 on a lip gloss or a nice cocktail and tip, and now, that $20 burned a hole in my brain. About two weeks later, I saw him working at a house across the street and I saw red. I stopped my car in the middle of the street (literally…left it running with the door open) and rushed up to him and started yelling at him, half in spanish and half in english, for stealing my $20. He laughed at me. I remember seeing his helper take one look at me and back away. LOL This went on for a few minutes, back and forth, him laughing and shaking his head and making excuses. I’m sure people were gawking out of their houses because I know I seemed crazy. Finally, he pulled out his wallet and threw a $20 bill at me and walked away. Later, I was ashamed and embarrassed that my situation had reduced me to this, but when I told the story to my therapist she laughed and told me it had been cathartic for me and not to worry about it a bit.
Anyway…today, I am not where I want to be, NEED to be, but I’m getting there. I am just letting some things fall into place before I decide where to buy a home and I know signing those escrow papers will be a watershed moment. I have hopes to find a job that I look forward to going to in the morning, where I feel a sense of accomplishment and belonging. My life is peaceful and mostly solitary. I hope with the coming months and settling down, I will be able to fill it with new, good people and smiling faces. I see a snug little home that will have my stamp on it, happy animals, a healthy garden. I can’t yet see a time where I will want to have a relationship with a man again. This makes me sad, but I also know that there could be someone come along who would be able change that. I’m not young anymore, and I’ve sure got some wear on me, but I have so much to offer.
Thanks for the opportunity to share this in a safe place. I made it when I thought there was no way I could. When the roof was leaking and the plumbing backed up, I learned to be thankful that it only flooded one room and not three. When the attorney bill was half my monthly income, I was thankful that I had an income, and someone fighting for me. When my so called friends treated me harshly and disappeared when I could have used an occasional call with kind words and caring, I learned what a true friend is. When I think about spending the past three years in bare bones survival mode, doing what needed to be done, while he continued to live (as he called it), “large”, traveling, spending, romancing women and marrying one, spending time with the family I had come to think of as mine, completely unaffected by the devastation he had caused (except, I imagine, chuckling around his nasty cigar at his mastery in pulling the rug out from under me), I know I am a survivor, and having been through it once, like getting your wisdom teeth pulled, you will never, ever have to go through it again.
Wow, this is exactly what I did. From living a “princess life” to selling everything I could so my son and I can survive. After I was discarded he stopped paying all bills and wanted to ruin my credit by letting the house go into foreclosure. Luckily I sold it to save my credit. My attorney was proud of me to take charge, to not let him ruin me any further. I was already thrown away like garbage. It was not enough for him. After I found out that there was another woman and that I was not “crazy ” or insane, his blaming did not work anymore. So his next evil plan was to ruin me financially. Fortunately my family helped me to retain an excellent attorney. It cost me almost 14000$ but I could have not fought that war without him. He was always on my side, protected me in court, have me encouragement and obtained an excellent settlement. So I was blessed to have a “weapon ” in this battle. Also that the attorney realized early on in the case that he was dealing with a sociopath. My advice is that get an attorney who works criminal cases also, not just a family case lawyer.
I also had to deal with the husband being a cop. So it was extremely difficult. But for once he was not able to manipulate the court system.
Thinking back now to last year I came a long way. I escaped that “crazy making experience ” and while I lost so much, I am alive. And that’s all that matters.
Everything else is replaceable.
HanaleiMoon….
Thanks for sharing your story. I have to say your strength reminds me of my own. You know in some ways I think these “guys” had no idea what they were dealing with. I, too, had to fight tooth and nail to get escrow money that was due me from my spath. He told me hell could freeze over before he’d release the funds. Well, damn if I was going to let that happen…legally the funds were mine and there was no way they wouldn’t end up in my hands. It took a few weeks, but I got it. As my dear counselor used to tell me….’you sure are tenacious. Many women I counsel would have let this go, but not you.’ And that’s right, not me. He tried to take a chunk out of me with his lies, deceit and manipulation…he wasn’t going to get anymore.
So for all of you who are just going through this terrible ordeal, please hang on. It truly does get better. You will find yourself stronger and wiser as a result…we are living testiment to that!
carolann
Thank you. Yes, there is light at the end of he tunnel. And I felt exactly like you. I always thought I was going crazy. Sometimes he would said something and then later plain out deny he ever said those words. I always thought I was to blame. Until I found out about this other woman.i dm sure there were many more that I did not know of. Also I had that guy feeling that something was off. Just not right. I even tried marriage counseling. But if course he would not return there , the counselor hd thought was an idiot. Because she knew he was full of lies.
I am glad that I finally had enough. After he left and told everyone (including our son)that I was so crazy, that hd had to leave. Then I really took a good look at this situation. I did some investigating. I retained a good attorney. In no time I found out that indeed he left for another woman. When he claimed he was “afraid” of me. (He is retired military and a cop) and filed an injunction in the county where he works. (I never set foot in that county ).my attorney got this false accusations dismissed. That was the day I finally had enough.
I just had to put a stop to this nightmare. I know he wanted me dead of locked away or committed to a mental institution. That was the end of his manipulation.
Yes this divorce is almost finalized. I do not believe in divorces but that was the one and only choice I had to survive.
Thank you for your kind comments. I want everyone to know that it does seem like the end of the world but if really isn’t. When you get discarded he provides you with the first step for a better life. I know because I was there.
Thank you. Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I felt exactly like you. I always thought I was going crazy. Sometimes he would say something and then later plain out deny he ever said those words. I always thought I was to blame. Until I found out about this other woman.i am sure there were many more that I did not know of. Also I had that gut feeling that something was off. Just not right. I even tried marriage counseling. But of course he would not return there , the counselor he thought was an idiot. Because she knew he was full of lies.
I am glad that I finally had enough. After he left and told everyone (including our son)that I was so crazy, that he had to leave. Then I really took a good look at this situation. I did some investigating. I retained a good attorney. In no time I found out that indeed he left for another woman. When he claimed he was “afraid” of me. (He is retired military and a cop) and filed an injunction in the county where he works. (I never set foot in that county ).my attorney got this false accusations dismissed. That was the day I finally had enough.
I just had to put a stop to this nightmare. I know he wanted me dead of locked away or committed to a mental institution. That was the end of his manipulation.
Yes, this divorce is almost finalized. I do not believe in divorces but that was the one and only choice I had to survive.
Thank you for your kind comments. I want everyone to know that it does seem like the end of the world but it really isn’t. When you get discarded he provides you with the first step for a better life. I know because I was there.
it’s hurt, not pride for me. Hurt, disappointment and betrayal. What he did to me didn’t affect who I am, who I’ve always been……the real me is there, the good the bad and the ugly. But he betrayed the good and the innocent part of me, the part I am unable to hide from anyone in spite of myself. I don’t even think he could see it or had any use for it. Loser.
Exactly, loser, that’s what they are. I don’t have any other words for him. I don’t even hate him . He is just nothing to me. I used to get all nervous having to face him in court. Not anymore. He gets no reaction out of me and this is how it will be for the rest of my life .
As far as his mistress/girlfriend/coworker deputy. She is my replacement and I am glad she took that place. What kind of relationship will they have? It was started based on lies and betrayals. One day she will sit in the closet crying while he is standing outside yelling and cussing. She asked for it by engaging in an affair with a married man who didn’t think twice about his wife and son. What a great guy to be with.
We all deserve so much better and by far I am not ready for any relationship. But I sure will set my standards much higher and if there is any “red flag” I will not stay 20 years. I made that promise.
I don’t know when this is going to end, he wants me either in a mental hospital. .jail or dead I know it. He will not stop at anything!! He has made me out to be the one to blame his newest email he said “he just decided he didn’t feel the same way as he did 5 years ago about me” and “I took the first out I saw”. The first out? 3 weeks before he left we looked at a townhouse to move. We planned on moving. .we had plans for a future when my son graduated. Im so stuck. I can’t get out of this denial and disbelief I feel I repeat myself over and over. I don’t know how someone can throw another away and be with someone new already like its nothing
yes, that was sooooo hard with the narc. i was going to grow very old with him. i was done. my future was set. i had stability. then
i just couldnt take it. take him. take the abuse anymore. i had HAD IT. we didnt have a future. he thot he was gracious enough to allow me, if i was a GOOD GIRL, to be in his royal presence and follow his dictates. he had to give nothing. not really.
wen i was discarded by the spath, it had been nothing but chaos and PAIN from the beginning. so while i had thot for a few months we were doing well AND I WAS FREAKIN newly pregnant (and very very sick) with the child he wanted soooo badly, it wasnt hard to get my mind around the discard. he cheated on me within 3 mos of our marriage. SERIOUSLY. how would anyone in their right mind STAY with that animal? cuz thats not human, thats just sick.
my late husband had an affair; i was young and stupid (a real bitch and he was EXTREMELY hott) and partly to blame, that along with kids kids kids we had. i do remember tho the utter astonishment he COULD do that, let alone WOULD do that. he was the only one i wanted to hold me. the only one who could soothe my screaming body of PAINFIRE. and he was the one who had put me into this hell. i thot about getting a gun and shooting off his…yeah, i rly did. not kill him, but shoot it off. i can completely understand crimes of passion. the violation is so complete, its almost ok, IMO.
i almost lost my mind then. i have never fully recovered from that. u can get better, but never be the same person again.
then he died about 2 yrs later. we had come so far and he suddenly was dead at 25. the ultimate cruelty. i was in shock for a long long time.
close to the same shock, but without the taunting of hope. he was dead, period.
if you can look at this animal you were with as dead, u will help urself. its still a long pain-filled road, 3 steps fwd and 2 steps back all the friggin time. frustration and mindgames still will be ur companions. u will make peace with them.
IK, ur wondering what the heck i am talking about. u have to make peace with the demons that tear at u. they dont leave. u just keep on living evenso. and they quiet.
i know u would love quiet in ur soul right now. i know, hon.
i dont like mental pain either, so much ur physical body is tight with it, is writhing with it. it has aged me.
like labor, u just have to go thru it. medication (self-medication also) may be necessary for a season, but it just denies the inevitable…ur acceptance and embracing of the pain. –>i have learnt after 5 decades on this planet, to go thru the pain now.
I know it’s hard but I hope you will find a thought that you are better than what he is doing to you.
I encourage you to take a stand and stop him from having opportunities to infect you with more venom.
Personally I found it very empowering to delete emails and delete his phone messages. I’d push that button, and said F.u.
ps It’s NOT TRUE, Taralav. You DO know how….
…someone can throw another away and be with someone new already like it’s nothing.
It’s precisely what predators (sociopaths do).
Now since you still have the gift of children, it’s also very self empowering to step up as an example for them and not allow him power over you anymore. At least cut off his access to communication with you. I think You have BETTER things to do and BETTER people to do them with??? Focus on pouring your love into your children. And while you’re at it, pour a little into yourself.
I remember when I told my husband that I was better off as a homeless woman than to be married to him. And then I surprised myself when I realized it was the truth!
I think it’s when I decided I would not let him WIN by destroying me. I hope you make that same choice.
Now that his mask is off, and you know what he is, don’t you realize you are better off without him?
Thank you for your post reading these in my sleepless hours is all I have. I have a son which is not by him ..but his two children I treated as my own from ages 9months and 5 yrs old. I feel such a hurt over losing them too. Hes made me out to be the bad seed..he cant even admit what he did was wrong and terrible. So just in a blink of a eye he is with her and im nothing to him. I can’t grasp it.i read posts over and over. I can’t believe this is the man I shared my life with and he will do whatever he can to destroy me
Thank you..I need the prayers I don’t know why I can’t accept and move past what he has.done. I need to get mad.and get my self respect back. He is the most terrible person ive ever met yet I loved him so long and his children. It is awful
Yes it is awful.
You found out your whole relationship was a lie.
So begin a life of truth. Choose TRUTH.
The TRUTH IS…. you do know.
You KNOW what he is. A very bad man. A Predator. A walking pile of LIES. Make a list of what you now know he is.
Don’t rush yourself and “move past”.
For now, just stop his continuing punishment, the abuse, the insults.
STOP letting him prey on you like a sucking vampire.
STOP it by STOP reading his emails or any communication.
That’s is for today: STOP reading HIS words.
And for tomorrow. And all the days after.
Just stopping his ability to injure you more, just that one thing will make a difference.
Tara, you don’t need to “feel” like cutting him out of your life. Just do it. I promise you, after a while, your feelings will follow. If you are going by your feelings, you will never be able to escape because you are addicted. So just do what you know is the right thing to do. You have a big group of us here who have all felt like you and have all escaped. It takes time for your heart to catch up with your head. But it does eventually. Listen to your head. It can’t possibly want you to stay with this monster. If you walk away, you WILL start to feel better eventually. Addictions DO break. Bonds CAN be broken. But the first step is taking a step back and getting the distance you need to feel emotionally safe. You are not safe with a sociopath. Therefore, you will never be able to heal while you are with one. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster forever. You need to find the strength inside to just leave, whether you want to or not.
Stargazer, I’m glad you mentioned addiction. When we are in the thick of it, as Tara now is, we can’t see the extent that these monsters have manipulated our minds and caused us to become addicted. It’s essential for us to understand that this is a true addiction, not just lovesickness or some other nonsense that our friends will scoff at, roll their eyes and tell us to get over. It has to be dealt with as seriously as if your life depends on it, because it does.
I was 49 when I met mine and had a lifelong pattern of stable emotional relationships. In less than six months, I didn’t recognize my own thinking and it only got worse over the years. I can now see that I let everything else in my life suffer because of my mind’s addiction to him. My thinking was out of control, always trying to figure out what I had done wrong, analyzing conversations, explaining myself, trying to convince myself that things were going was fine (because he told me they were) and crying, crying, always crying. I spent so much time trying to make sense of something that of course didn’t make sense because it was INSANE. He played me like he had invented me – he always knew when I was about to make a break and became the sweet man that I thought he was in order to reel me back in. But honestly, even in the good times, I never felt like myself. I always felt like something was off, wrong, like I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. I now think of it as a feeling of wanting to go HOME.
Thankfully, after the final discard, he miscalculated and left me alone long enough for me to break the cycle and feel a taste of what it felt like to be myself again. Even then, I was hoping that things would blow over. When he started sending feelers out to me again, after one false start of explaining to him why I was not going to respond (how amazingly ridiculous this seems today, but he had trained me to be such a good girl), I went totally NC. I won’t say it was easy, but I broke the cycle of addiction and little by little the obsessive thinking lost its hold on me. It didn’t hurt that he had finally found a new target that he wanted to put into full time service, so he stopped pushing. In the previous years, after his mini-discards and once when I literally left the state for a week to clear my head and came back determined to be free of him, he put the full court press on me so hard that I was powerless due to the addiction. Now when I think of the stories he told me to get me back it is clear that I was addicted…I wouldn’t listen to that crap for even a minute today.
That emotional roller coaster steals your joy for life. It steals your capacity to enjoy anything, to have a minutes peace with whatever you loved before, planting spring flowers, playing with your pets, reading a magazine with a cup of tea…it steals everything. My bliss is snorkeling in Hawaii, and I would scrimp on almost anything to make sure I get to do it once a year. He knew this, knew I wanted to be in the water every day and set out to take it away from me. On the last trip we took there together, he refused to go to the beach, and wouldn’t let me go alone…six days of our seven passed and I hadn’t touched the water. On the last morning, I got up and said I’m going to the beach – you can come or not, your choice. He came, because of course, how could he let me do anything on my own, and sat on the beach, sour and seething. I cut my time short so as not to anger him, but later cried at having missed those days of bliss. This is a metaphor of the whole relationship.
They are monsters, and they will destroy you.
Hanaleimoon,
Yours is a very accurate account of how our life disappears and we find ourself in the haze of the addiction and it’s control. And oh my gosh, how keen are they at sensing when we are trying to move away? The pull out all the stops, although the more time that passes, the less effort they make. I guess they become aware that we aren’t totally under control anymore,
I’m glad you are free!
Hana, it sounds like we were with the same man! What is interesting is the similarities in these men and our experiences. But you guys are right, it is an addiction. I even said to him, not even a month ago, “I don’t know what it is, but you have got such a hold over me.” And it’s true, this first week of NC has been horrible, tears upon tears, I had never gone longer than a day without communication. Funny you mentioned the beach thing. Looking back I went through the same thing, even right down to the ceiling fan in our room. I wanted it on because of the hot flashes at night, he said it made him stopped up. Most nights he didn’t care but about once a month he would take issue, make a stink about it, and go sleep on the couch and be pouty. He would act like this anytime he wasn’t getting his way. And anytime I would stand up to him, he would say things aren’t going to work because you….fill in the blank. I would then feel so horrible and say things like I can work on that, I will change, etc. He had his hooks in deep. And anytime like you said, he thought he was losing me, the gifts, cards, affection would be so ramped up to drag me in again. It has destroyed me, I know longer know who I really am, or what I really want. My mind has been so conditioned to him, that I lost who I was. With NC, I can now figure that out without “my drug” looming over me and trying to find a way in or making me feel like this was all my fault. I can’t wait to meet the new me someday.
Tami I had to lol, we had the fan vs. no fan thing too. Ugh! They only make a big deal out of it when it serves them somehow.
I believe, and my therapist has confirmed it, that the only reason I didn’t totally lose myself was that we never lived together full time, only a few days a week. So at work, and my nights in my own home, I had a sort of breather. Even then he generally badgered me with phone calls, always checking up. It was like a sixth sense, he’d call just as I was walking in the door, tired, thirsty, greeting the animals and make a stink because I was distracted. I’d have to explain and offer to call back when I got settled. I learned to never say in 15 minutes or whatever, because on minute 16 he’d call and say I thought you were calling back in 15 minutes. Geesh give me a chance to pee!
Tolerating these things (and so many really bad ones) are what make me know I was addicted.
I haven’t had any contact with him in almost 3 years and I’m still not up to speed with myself. He left my life in a mess that has taken some sorting but outside of that, I mean with myself. I’m no longer the confident decision maker I once was, and the world still doesn’t seem safe enough for my taste. Lots of little things. Once in awhile I find myself thinking in a way that I know was a lie he taught me and I’m glad I can catch it and discard it. I’ve come a long way putting my life back together and know it is all leading to a day when I will suddenly realize I’m comfortable with myself, my life and the world again.
HanaleiMoon, I gotta say that I’ve never felt so peaceful as since I got the last guy I dated out of my mind. There are NO men on my mind and no obsessing. I didn’t even really get involved with that guy. We hung out a few times and had one real date. We made out a few times but never had sex (on my insistence!). And STILL, when he discarded me by just fading out, it hurt like hell and I obsessed about him for a few months. Fortunately, I never contacted him. I did after the first week. He said he wanted to see me and then made up all these excuses. Basically he was a liar and too cowardly to tell me he’d met someone, or got scared, or whatever the case was so he strung me along. It took 2 months to get angry! And another month to let go.
So yes, it may take a little longer for someone you’ve actually been involved with. Those bonding chemicals – pretty strong stuff.
Anyway, I’m free; there and no men in my life; I’m not chasing anyone. There is no drama. I’ve never felt better! I had a gorgeous young DJ hitting on me at the karaoke club the other night. I enjoyed the attention and the slow dancing, but I went home alone. I am now focusing on my possible dance career and massage career. I could care less about some dumb ass guy.
Taralav,
When trying to break free from the addiction, you will have all the normal symptoms of someone detoxing from drugs. Your mind will run, your body will ache, your anxiety will rise and you will CRAVE the drug. Your body and soul will respond to even the slightest contact, even if it’s negative. It literally is a fix.
I hope you can start viewing this in practical terms as an addiction. It would help to take him out of the picture. It’ serves no purpose for a coke addict to question why coke makes them feel so good, or bad. It’s not the point. The point is that they know it’s bad for them, that it’s killing them and they need to break free. Setting their minds on the positives of breaking free from the addiction is the only way they can break free. I think you will find it’s the same for you.
Of course, I’m not speaking from experience. I’ve gotten clean from my Spath several times only to dive right back in. But each time, I become stronger and wiser. I will be free. I want you to be free too. I hate hearing your heart breaking over and over. This man is just being cruel to you, and he’s happy to see you in despair. It gives him power. Your pain feed this beast.
Keep expressing your pain here, and each time you have contact, pick yourself up and start NC AGAIN. I’m praying for you and sending peaceful thoughts your way.
Its terrible. .I just can’t believe I can’t grasp and see what he is and has done. Every time he emails me I think maybe he will finally realize he made a mistake. He blames me for the end of our relationship. When I asked him doesn’t it matter I was there for him and his children for.6 years..he says it used to. That’s all. It used to matter. I have been thrown like trash. Every day I say im starting no contact and . then . something happens. Im right back where I was
taralav…OK, I am going to use some tough love here. Why is he emailing you? Is it because you are emailing him and he is replying?? You will never get over him as long as this is going on. I know. I’ve been there as almost everyone on this site has been. When you finally realize that nothing you do or say will make a difference, you will stop contact. Even if he came back to you, if he is going to treat you the same way, is it worth it?? No. It took me a long, long time to realize all these things. Just like you, I thought I was going to die and mine was only a short term relationship, but in that very short time, I loved him with my entire being. Even after the initial relationship was over, we had sporadic, back and forth contact for at least TWO years! (no sex…there was never sex again after the initial fling). It was just him playing with me like a cat plays with a dead mouse. He would say he wanted to see me and then not show up or say he wanted to see me, but then when I would confirm with him, he would blatantly and totally ignore me. And all it did was keep me an emotional wreck. It did nothing to him…he was still playing around with whomever he was playing around with and getting his kicks by keeping me on the string. It was absolutely awful. Once all that stopped, the chemical addiction slowly faded. I know it is sooooo hard to see it now. I couldn’t either. But for me, it was either let go or I was going to end up in trouble or dead.
Taralav
You really need to cut of all contact. You will end up in jail or in a mental institution. Believe me. My dear soon to be ex had me “baker acted” (in this state when being sent to a mental institution ). Fortunately the psychiatrist recognized that I was set up and stated that in a letter for court in the divorce.
The relationship you had with him was an illusion. My soon to be ex also portrayed me as mentally ill to other people, co workers and the mistress. They must do that in order to justify their actions. Since they cannot feel any guilt it makes them feel like a god to blame and accuse.
You will not get any better if you invite the devil. That means do not communicate with him on any level. It might sound harsh but is the sad truth.
My child is 19 years old and he cig if all contact with his father. Because we were able to see evil. Don’t violate any restraining or peace order. It would bring pleasure to him
Ignore the devil and he will go away. Please remember that. I really can feel your pain. It really sucks. But look forward and think rationally. Put all emotions aside. You can do it.
Thank you Kaya. He is trying to do the same to me..he is trying to make me crazy. This girl tonight put her new profile pic up of him and her. Just like that. Six years. .and in 3 months he is in a photo with her. He tells her im the crazy one..I would not be with a man who just got out of a 6 year relationship and be telling them I loved them.
Tara,
I have just recently gone through a similar situation. The hardest thing I did was NC, I struggle everyday with that decision. A part of us, I think maybe, wants to keep that door open just to hear how sorry they are, or that they made a big mistake, they still love you etc. These last few years have been hell with this back and forth with him, the lies, the manipulation, and when I found out that he was cheating and spewing the same lies to this new girl, I supernaturally cut all contact. I blocked everything, he has no way to email, call, or even creep on FB. It was hard and everyday I struggle wanting to reach out to him and just see how he is doing. I am trying to rationalize how we were planning a wedding to him telling someone else how much he loves them, wants to marry them, and never wants to lose them behind my back. Intimate betrayal is so devastating, and what makes it even harder is that the person that did it to you doesn’t even care. I think more than missing him, I am trying to figure out why? how? And from being here on this website, it has helped me realize that I will never have answers to those questions and I have to learn to live with that. It’s hard to wrap your head around how they can fall in love with someone else. We were together over three years, I was showered with gifts, love, affection and omg, the sex was amazing. But during those three years there were lies on top of lies, excuses, stonewalling, and I would know in my gut something was amiss but would think nobody will treat me better, or I will never find something so good. Then after being with another girl for a week, he is telling her how much he loves her etc. The best thing we can do is work on us, and not worry about them. We have to build our self esteem back up and love ourselves, if we can do that, we would never again allow anyone to treat us that way. We would know deep down that they were not deserving, and most of all listen to our intuition. Trust me, I still get up every morning and think, “how could this happen?, what did I do wrong?” It is painful. The best thing I did was NC, because I know for a fact he would be contacting me for any reason just to keep that door open, and especially if it didn’t work out with this new gal, he would make sure I was right there to take him back. Even though it hurts, it is better to be strung along. He is dead to me essentially
Just another quick thought, the sooner you let go by NC, the sooner his control over you will be gone. These kind of people enjoy that power, if you want to “hurt” him back, take it away from him by NC.
Tamikaye
You are so right. The sooner you enforce the no contact it gets better. I think if you really want to “punish” him for all the pain he caused, the no contact is the way to go. My soon to be ex hates being ignored. I changed all my email , phone and contact information. At the beginning it was very hard and I messed up many times by responding to his crap. Occasionally he writes to my 19 year old son. He does not get any response. Nothing. Because he treated us like we are nothing to him. Everything in life has consequences and he must experience those now. I am sure his little co worker/ mistress can provide him comfort and support.
Looking back through this ordeal the no contact saved my life. I first read about it here on lovefraud. Thank you for guiding me to enforce it. Today is month number 10 of no contact.